Common Ground (2013) s01e02 Episode Script
Patricia
Thank you for giving blood.
Thank you for giving Ah, hello, Binky and Samantha.
Hello.
Fat Cat Tory Twat! Fat Cat Tory Twat! Ow! There are a couple of reasons why, erm people are losing their faith in politics, and they're both councillor Patricia David.
So when you're, er, committing your scribbles to the chip paper Oh, there's Councillor Patricia David now trying to sneak in! Do you have a response to the news that your council office has given developers permission to build luxury flats on the site of a nursery school? Can I have a response to the news? Yeah.
Erm.
What I could say is that I What I could said is that I don't, like sprinkles or hundreds and thousands what you get on a trifle or a pudding.
Get to the point, David! What we need is trifle, if trifle is housing! And we need housing, we don't need hundreds and thousands.
Are you saying that the nursery schools are the hundreds and thousands? Possibly.
Yes.
OK and opposed Labour Minister Klive Richards, what do you make of that? Patricia David is a disgrace and should resign immediately.
And anything to add? Fat Cat Tory Twat! What he said! Resign, David! Resign! Do, the right, thing! Excuse me, excuse me.
Patricia? Panic attack.
Kim Chung.
Louise O'Reilly.
Fairy Cake? Oh, yeah Typical of me to get interviewed by the press on my first day.
Is it? These are lovely Interviewed? Kim in full flow, on TV, on my first day.
Luckily I've just been on a media training course as part of my politics doctorate.
Which, by some ridiculous fluke, I managed to get some sort of double distinction for.
Ridiculous.
Are you OK? I'd like to see John in my office, please, and bring in the biscuit tin.
He's on his statutory ten minute break.
OK, well Your ten o'clock's here, Patricia.
Reschedule for 11, please.
I've bumped them from nine.
Well, there we are, then.
Can I have a response to the news? I don't like sprinkles or hundreds and thousands Councillor David was rambling and incoherent.
Kim Chung, newly appointed head of Community Relations, had this to say.
This community needs homes for the weak and vulnerable.
Housing, housing, housing.
Press conference in fifteen minutes.
Fat Cat Tory Twats! To whom it may concern, there has been some kind of a misunderstanding, I have not now, nor have I ever, requested priority disabled housing for myself.
I can only assume the mistake has been made somewhere in your office.
Could it have been David Patricia? Please remove all record of me.
I'm busy! You didn't get one earlier.
Hello, hello.
Trying to win some friends.
Erm We've got a press conference in ten minutes.
Do you want to go over anything? Right.
Erm we've got a tin here.
Simply put, biscuit tin for shared snacks.
Louise likes digestives, John likes custard creams, I like Hobnobs.
It's pretty straight forward.
You know I feel awful actually, just jumping down your throat on your first day about something so trivial.
You know, forget it.
You know actually, what I will say, Kim, is don't assume that we haven't thought these things through.
Yeah? There are no fairy cakes in this office because they don't fit in this tin.
It's not complicated.
Why don't you get a bigger tin? Thanks, Kimmy! Yep, don't forget your cakes.
I successfully sued Duncan from Blue after I was refused a plus one for one of his concerts.
Yes, that was me.
Yes, I agree.
In many ways it was the beginning of the end for him.
Oh, hello, John.
Just doing exercises from my doctor For your? Hernia.
I do this one for my back.
You wanna keep your pelvis tucked under when you do it, John.
Best to tuck it under.
That's it, that's better.
Tuck it under.
Tuck it right under.
41oh, 43it's much harder than it looks.
I need a plus one because I'm in a wheelchair.
Because I'm in a wheelchair.
So nursery schools nursery schools.
You know, my mother was single, Patricia.
Was she? She worked six jobs.
What, at the same time or? She worked shifts.
Yes, of course she did, course she did.
She couldn't afford to send me to nursery, if I was lucky I'd go with her and do the skirtings and the floors.
Oh, yes, I remember.
Mucking out with my mother, you know, up at six, across the paddock, polishing the tack.
I'll never forget the pride I felt putting that 25 pence into my piggy bank at the end of every month.
But, you know, the real prize wasn't the Scalextric Grand Prix I bought with my pennies after ten years of saving.
The prize was the work ethic, Patricia.
You want something you earn it.
Shall I try this in a different intonation? Because I am in a wheelchair.
It doesn't matter whether I can walk or not.
I use a wheelchair.
When everyone else was stuffing themselves with coconut mushrooms, I was sucking on a broken biscuit and dreaming of being Graham Hill.
What is a erm Scalextric, John? It's an electrical, circular racing track where the cars go round and round.
Fascinating.
Er so, press conference.
Yeah.
In five minutes, you ready? News just in - we have reports of a five car pile up at Clapham Junction.
Currently there is one fatality with several more people seriously injured.
The crash was caused when a driver swerved to avoid a cyclist.
I think it's time to face the music.
Right.
I've already spoken to your colleague about this, so I'm unsure why I'm speaking to you, really.
Behind the line! I can't attend the One Direction concert without a plus one.
Ah, Patricia, we Kim.
So I have the plus one? Thanks so much.
Resign! Resign! Priorities.
Making them.
I'm about to make the ultimate sacrifice, which is what I am about to do.
There's been a terrible car pile-up, which is very, very sad.
I'm afraid nurseries and housing is going to have to wait.
I'm a platinum card blood donor, and my services are required in saving the lives of constituents and I prioritise life, so I leave you in the capable hands of my colleague Kim Chung.
What about the nursery? What about the nursery?! Are you or are you not knocking down this nursery? That is a fantastic question.
I'm so glad you asked.
Taxi!
Thank you for giving Ah, hello, Binky and Samantha.
Hello.
Fat Cat Tory Twat! Fat Cat Tory Twat! Ow! There are a couple of reasons why, erm people are losing their faith in politics, and they're both councillor Patricia David.
So when you're, er, committing your scribbles to the chip paper Oh, there's Councillor Patricia David now trying to sneak in! Do you have a response to the news that your council office has given developers permission to build luxury flats on the site of a nursery school? Can I have a response to the news? Yeah.
Erm.
What I could say is that I What I could said is that I don't, like sprinkles or hundreds and thousands what you get on a trifle or a pudding.
Get to the point, David! What we need is trifle, if trifle is housing! And we need housing, we don't need hundreds and thousands.
Are you saying that the nursery schools are the hundreds and thousands? Possibly.
Yes.
OK and opposed Labour Minister Klive Richards, what do you make of that? Patricia David is a disgrace and should resign immediately.
And anything to add? Fat Cat Tory Twat! What he said! Resign, David! Resign! Do, the right, thing! Excuse me, excuse me.
Patricia? Panic attack.
Kim Chung.
Louise O'Reilly.
Fairy Cake? Oh, yeah Typical of me to get interviewed by the press on my first day.
Is it? These are lovely Interviewed? Kim in full flow, on TV, on my first day.
Luckily I've just been on a media training course as part of my politics doctorate.
Which, by some ridiculous fluke, I managed to get some sort of double distinction for.
Ridiculous.
Are you OK? I'd like to see John in my office, please, and bring in the biscuit tin.
He's on his statutory ten minute break.
OK, well Your ten o'clock's here, Patricia.
Reschedule for 11, please.
I've bumped them from nine.
Well, there we are, then.
Can I have a response to the news? I don't like sprinkles or hundreds and thousands Councillor David was rambling and incoherent.
Kim Chung, newly appointed head of Community Relations, had this to say.
This community needs homes for the weak and vulnerable.
Housing, housing, housing.
Press conference in fifteen minutes.
Fat Cat Tory Twats! To whom it may concern, there has been some kind of a misunderstanding, I have not now, nor have I ever, requested priority disabled housing for myself.
I can only assume the mistake has been made somewhere in your office.
Could it have been David Patricia? Please remove all record of me.
I'm busy! You didn't get one earlier.
Hello, hello.
Trying to win some friends.
Erm We've got a press conference in ten minutes.
Do you want to go over anything? Right.
Erm we've got a tin here.
Simply put, biscuit tin for shared snacks.
Louise likes digestives, John likes custard creams, I like Hobnobs.
It's pretty straight forward.
You know I feel awful actually, just jumping down your throat on your first day about something so trivial.
You know, forget it.
You know actually, what I will say, Kim, is don't assume that we haven't thought these things through.
Yeah? There are no fairy cakes in this office because they don't fit in this tin.
It's not complicated.
Why don't you get a bigger tin? Thanks, Kimmy! Yep, don't forget your cakes.
I successfully sued Duncan from Blue after I was refused a plus one for one of his concerts.
Yes, that was me.
Yes, I agree.
In many ways it was the beginning of the end for him.
Oh, hello, John.
Just doing exercises from my doctor For your? Hernia.
I do this one for my back.
You wanna keep your pelvis tucked under when you do it, John.
Best to tuck it under.
That's it, that's better.
Tuck it under.
Tuck it right under.
41oh, 43it's much harder than it looks.
I need a plus one because I'm in a wheelchair.
Because I'm in a wheelchair.
So nursery schools nursery schools.
You know, my mother was single, Patricia.
Was she? She worked six jobs.
What, at the same time or? She worked shifts.
Yes, of course she did, course she did.
She couldn't afford to send me to nursery, if I was lucky I'd go with her and do the skirtings and the floors.
Oh, yes, I remember.
Mucking out with my mother, you know, up at six, across the paddock, polishing the tack.
I'll never forget the pride I felt putting that 25 pence into my piggy bank at the end of every month.
But, you know, the real prize wasn't the Scalextric Grand Prix I bought with my pennies after ten years of saving.
The prize was the work ethic, Patricia.
You want something you earn it.
Shall I try this in a different intonation? Because I am in a wheelchair.
It doesn't matter whether I can walk or not.
I use a wheelchair.
When everyone else was stuffing themselves with coconut mushrooms, I was sucking on a broken biscuit and dreaming of being Graham Hill.
What is a erm Scalextric, John? It's an electrical, circular racing track where the cars go round and round.
Fascinating.
Er so, press conference.
Yeah.
In five minutes, you ready? News just in - we have reports of a five car pile up at Clapham Junction.
Currently there is one fatality with several more people seriously injured.
The crash was caused when a driver swerved to avoid a cyclist.
I think it's time to face the music.
Right.
I've already spoken to your colleague about this, so I'm unsure why I'm speaking to you, really.
Behind the line! I can't attend the One Direction concert without a plus one.
Ah, Patricia, we Kim.
So I have the plus one? Thanks so much.
Resign! Resign! Priorities.
Making them.
I'm about to make the ultimate sacrifice, which is what I am about to do.
There's been a terrible car pile-up, which is very, very sad.
I'm afraid nurseries and housing is going to have to wait.
I'm a platinum card blood donor, and my services are required in saving the lives of constituents and I prioritise life, so I leave you in the capable hands of my colleague Kim Chung.
What about the nursery? What about the nursery?! Are you or are you not knocking down this nursery? That is a fantastic question.
I'm so glad you asked.
Taxi!