Complete and Utter History of Britain (1969) s01e02 Episode Script

1
My name is Thomas,
and I make wheels.
And I'm therefore known
as Thomas the Wheelwright.
My name is Richard,
and I make carts.
I'm therefore known
as Richard the Cartwright.
My name is James, and I make
sausage-knot untying machines.
And I'm therefore known as
James the Loony.
My name is Hebard.
I'm a 12th century earl
and pest control officer.
So remember, it's Earl Hebard
who catches the worm.
I'm a 12th century apothecary.
I use Herb's, and Herb uses mine.
Don't you, Herb?
That's right, Arthur.
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# Complete and utter
It's complete and utter
# It's complete and utter
# History
Episode two. ♪
Good evening,
and welcome to the 12th century.
The date is 1192.
Thank you.
It is the time of Britain's
greatest warrior king, Richard I,
or Richard Coeur de Lion
as he is known to the French police.
During the ten years of his reign,
he spent over nine years abroad
on crusades to the Holy Land.
So his brief return visits
must have been eagerly awaited
by those at home.
FANFARE
How long is it since our glorious
King Richard was last at court?
Five long years, and may God be
praised for his safe return to us.
Aye, for it was God's work
that took him on this crusade
to distant lands.
FANFARE
The King.
The King.
The King.
His Gracious Majesty,
King Richard of England.
FANFARE
Hello, everybody.
Bon bonjour.
Guten morgen.
O sole mio.
And Iraq.
Well
it's certainly good to be back.
Chez maison as they say
sur le continent.
Et bien, merci, mon ami.
Toujours, Volkswagen murky.
Ah
Welcome home, Your Majesty.
Our prayers have been answered.
The Lord hath granted you
a safe return.
He certainly has, mate.
Mind you, I wish he'd grant me
a plate of eggs and chips
with a good cup of tea, eh?
Have a dolly.
I haven't had a good cup of tea
since 1191.
Ta.
Well, I expect you're wondering
where I've been, then, eh?
Eh?
Eh?! Where have you been,
Your Majesty?
HIGH-PITCHED: Where have I been?!
Where haven't I been?!
I've been everywhere.
Morocco, Algeria
Spain, France, Turkey, Gibraltar.
You name it, I've been there.
I could tell you some stories
that'd make the hair jump off
your chest, mate.
A crusade is indeed
a wonderful thing, Your Majesty.
Course it is! Course it is!
Organised by the Pope, you see.
Everything on party rates.
I tell you,
some of the places we stayed at,
you could drink yourself
under the table for a tanner.
And, of course,
one look at the uniform,
and the birds go potty.
Ugh!
But, Your Majesty, there must be
a wonderful sense of unity.
You're right there, mush.
I remember one night in Naples,
me and Philip Augustus
The king of France himself, my lord?
That's right.
Phil the Fairy we used to call him.
'Cause he doesn't drink, you see.
And I'd had I'd had a few goblets
when in comes this bloody great
Algerian waitress,
you know, enormous
Your Majesty,
what of the Holy Lands?
The where?
The Holy Lands, Your Majesty.
Oh, yeah, anyway, she comes up
Are they safe at last from
the ravaging hand of the infidel?
Yeah, yeah, that's all fixed.
Yeah, yeah.
As a matter of fact, that was
a bit of a washout, that was.
I think our next crusade, we'll
leave the Holy Land out altogether.
But, Your Majesty
Here, that's not a bad idea, that.
I think I'll mention that
to the Pope.
Pope Celestine III!
FANFARE
The Pope!
The Pope! The Pope!
Dickie, boy!
Popey!
I've come for the booze-up!
How are you, eh?
I was held up in the customs. Here.
FANFARE,
BOTH CHATTER
Richard the Lionheart,
one of the most astounding cases
in medical history.
Now, what of trade
in the 12th century?
It was time of experiment
and adventure.
Exploration of the mass market.
But who was selling what and how?
DREARY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
Ah
Oh
MAN: Hard work?
Wish you could get it clean
in half the time?
Then you should try
water.
UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
Water gets floors really clean
in half the time.
And you can drink it as well.
Food.
Food has Mmm!
..man appeal!
Oh, it's food again.
You are clever.
HARP GLISSANDO
CELESTIAL HARP
Soft as dappled sunlight.
Gentle as a summer's breeze.
Pure as a mountain stream.
Fresh and lovely as nature itself.
Yes, get a woman today.
TENSE GLISSANDO
ON HARP
Who was Thomas a Becket?
What of his religious beliefs?
What of his death?
What of his weaknesses
and strengths?
Over now to Professor Weaver.
Er, w-what of his religion?
W-What of his what?
I didn't know
I was going to ask this.
Well, I've been preparing a piece
on the Cheyenne Indians.
That's the trouble, you see,
they don't tell me anything.
Expect historians
to know about everybody.
Who was Thomas a Becket?
HE PUFFS
I'd like to rephrase that question.
What were the similarities
between Thomas a Becket
and Cheyenne Indians?
Well, for a start
they were both bald.
Thomas a Becket - very bald.
And the Cheyenne Indians
were bald Indians.
Which was why they were so intent
on collecting scalps,
which they used to sew together
to make their wigwams.
Or toupees,
as they used to call them.
Thomas a Becket
What of his religion?
Well, erm, Thomas a Becket,
as we all know,
was not a sun worshipper,
BUT this is the interesting point,
the Cheyenne were.
Their beliefs were in the mainstream
of occidental pantheistic dualism.
Believing in the potency of the sun
as source of both good and evil,
which, of course, it obviously is.
Now, what of
Thomas a Becket's death?
Well Thomas a Becket
if he'd been killed
by the Cheyenne
he'd have been ceremonially scalped,
his body carried back
in a rough, bark casing
covered with eucalyptus leaves
and weighing about 16 lb.
So to sum up, Thomas a Becket was
a bald, non-sun-worshipping person,
chiefly remembered for being
the first English Archbishop
to be killed by Red Indians.
Well, I wonder
if it was the Cheyenne.
I don't think
that's even in this book.
One up for them if it was.
Professor Weaver will be talking
later in the programme
about Robert the Bruce.
Thank you!
One of the great landmarks
of our history was the Magna Carta.
The first charter
of civil liberties.
For 12 long years,
and three short ones,
King John had resisted
the demands of the barons.
And tonight, we bring you the scene
from Runnymede in 1215
when this constitutional
breakthrough, the Magna Carta,
was finally signed.
Mine! Mine!
Ah!
Little boy. Mwah!
It's here. Look!
We got it!
CHEERING
BOTH GRUN
Welcome back.
And now, The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain presents
a special pull-out supplement -
Careers In The Royal Household.
If you were a young man in 1300,
what sort of careers
could you expect?
Join us now as two court servants
talk about their work.
Ted Lupini, Royal Court jester,
one of the great laughter makers
of his time.
Mr Lupini, what in particular
does the King find funny about you?
Breaking plates over my head.
GUFFAWS
Is that all?
Oh, yes, tripping me up,
throwing water over me,
pushing me in the moat,
covering me with mud.
But most of all,
breaking plates over my head.
GUFFAWS
Mr Lupini,
you are renowned as a joke-teller.
Is there one joke which makes
the King laugh more than any other?
Oh, yes. There is this one about
two monks sitting in the bath,
and one monk says to the other,
"You've got a banana
sticking out of your ear."
And the other monk says, "Pardon?"
Yes?
Yes?
Well, then His Majesty
breaks a plate over my head
and laughs like a drain.
LUPINI LAUGHS
How did you start
in the laughter business, Mr Lupini?
Well, it was an accident, really.
His Majesty saw the accident
and thought it was very funny.
And from then on,
entertainment was in your blood?
Well, not really, no.
I didn't have much blood left
after the accident, you see.
Oh, excuse me.
LUPINI WHIMPERS,
KING LAUGHS
Finally, Mr Lupini,
what are your laughter-raising
ambitions for the future?
Well, I do hope to be executed
next summer.
But isn't that a waste
of all the years you've spent
reaching this eminent position?
Oh, well, it has taken me
a long time to get ahead,
I just hope it comes off. Ha!
But surely you don't call
being executed a joke?
I mean, does it make you laugh,
does it?
Oh, no, it doesn't make me laugh.
Of course it doesn't make me laugh.
KING TITTERS
I suppose I haven't really got
much of a sense of humour.
A vital member of the royal
household is the food-taster.
For the royal person is a regular
target for the poisoner.
This is Hubert Fitzroy.
A veteran food-taster.
He's been with King Henry
for nearly 30 minutes.
The most deadly of poisons
are, of course, just toxins.
Cyanide, strychnine,
that sort of thing.
And they are most commonly found
in this kind of dish.
Naturally, before I can say
if the food is lethal,
I have to eat it.
Of course these poisons
act instantaneously.
The tongue blackens, swells up.
The body perspires freely,
feels as if it's on fire.
The teeth drop out,
and in two minutes, you're dead.
Yes, it's really very tasty.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh! Hm-hm!
Blackcurrant tart. My favourite.
Just have a quick taste.
HE GROANS
Mr Fitzroy?
HE SCREAMS
Mr Fitzroy?!
Pleugh! Pleurgh! Ugh
No sugar.
Ugh I can't think how he eats it.
Is that the end of the meal?
Oh, well, not exactly.
No. I always do
"just test the cheese".
There is a killer cheese
on the market, but
very rare.
Has a most peculiar delayed action.
Just a sharp kick in the back
and you're dead. Huh!
Of course, this is quite delicious.
Well, congratulations,
and thank you, Mr Fitzroy.
Not at all.
All in a day's work.
HE LAUGHS
Te
Well, that's interesting.
HE GROANS
It's quicker than I thought.
Urgh
Fitzroy, you're you're fired!
GROANS
Now it is Scotland that draws us
like a great magnetic haggis.
In 1305, Robert the Bruce
was crowned King of Scotland.
We all, of course, know the story
of Robert the Bruce and the spider.
But in spite of that,
Professor Weaver is going to tell us
all over again.
Thank you.
In my latest book,
Greater Spiders Of History,
I've attempted to assess
the contribution of spiders
to the socio-economic
and constitutional development
of our society.
The book has, I'm glad to say,
sold remarkably well,
partially due to a revival of
interest in constitutional history,
and partially due to the title
on the cover - Nudes Of Scandinavia.
Now, I have been asked
why I should have photographs
of nudes from Scandinavia
in full colour
and provocative poses
on the cover of a book
about constitutional history.
Well, I say the historian
is interested in facts.
And it is a fact that there are
a lot of nude people in Scandinavia.
And it's no use our trying
to run away from them.
Even if we should want to.
All of which brings me
to Robert the Bruce, spiders
and their place in Scottish history.
After studying 395 million fossils,
I went mad and had to spend
several weeks in a cupboard.
After which, I discovered
the particular little creature
who so inspired Robert the Bruce
to overthrow the English
was, in fact,
a Northumbrian grass spider.
Delightful little black and yellow
fellow
with four pairs of grey, hairy legs
and a remarkable knowledge
of military history.
The English soldiers
were taken completely unawares
as 30,000 grass spiders came
crawling up over the battlements,
playing their bagpipes and uttering
their terrifying war cries -
"Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha."
Unfortunately, Robert the Bruce
is the only man in history
to recognise
the potential of insects.
Cromwell trod on them.
You see, Nelson swatted them.
They still have no vote.
Do you realise that woodlice
spend 24 hours a day
in the House of Commons
and get no thanks for it?
Flies live in the most
appalling conditions.
May I appeal for sanity
before it is too late?
History must recognise the insect.
And the Scandinavian nude.
Oh, Britt, Britt,
with your hairy legs
and your infinite knowledge
of cupboards.
Excuse me, I must have a boiled egg.
It's the only soothing thing
at this time. Eggs are so soothing.
Good grief.
And finally, we re-examine
one of the truly colourful legends
of our past -
the legend of Sherwood Forest
and Robin Hood.
Man or myth or myth-ith?
Sherwood Forest is in
the quiet shire of Nottingham.
It is Friday morning.
The time is 11:45.
The year is also 1145.
MAN WHISTLES
Clever, isn't it?
WHISTLING CONTINUES
Oi!
This is Robin Hood.
One of the few social workers
operating in Britain's forests
today.
What has made this 33-year-old
ex-Nottinghamshire pig farmer
a legend in his own lifetime?
I believe very seriously that there
is a need in the country today
for a radical redistribution
of the nation's wealth.
And I think it's terribly important
that somebody
does this kind of work.
We're always on the lookout
for rich people
who might be interested
in what we're trying to do.
I usually talk to them
about the pressing needs
of the underprivileged section
of the community,
and then I ask them to make
some small subscription to our fund.
What if they don't want to give you
anything? I beat them up.
These are Robin's permanent staff.
They're known as the Merry Men.
On account of their humour.
And their infectious gaiety.
I joined Robin because, basically,
I'm deeply concerned
with the whole problem of poverty
and squalor in the world today,
and this is where I do find
working for Robin so rewarding.
I think it's simply marvellous
to be able to do something
for these people.
Because, you know,
in Sherwood Forest,
we've got some simply wonderful
poverty
and immensely rewarding squalor.
Oh, yeah, well,
there aren't many opportunities
for a monk with a criminal record,
like myself.
But Mr Hood was prepared
to overlook this.
That's the kind of man he is.
Completely undiscriminating.
After spending a few hours
with the Merry Men,
Robin and Friar Tuck go off
to distribute the week's takings.
As they have done each Friday
for the last six years.
Bringing comfort
to humble dwellings like this,
where those in most need
have been able to take advantage
of Robin's generosity.
Oh! No.
Not any more, my days.
No, they get terrible in the way
of my ploughing.
You put them over
on the compost heap there.
We've got as much inside
as we possibly can.
Right up to the ceiling.
What do people around Nottingham
think of his work?
Ah.
Well, I think the fellow's
an absolute menace.
Only last week,
I caught a serf wearing
a pair of my wife's earrings.
Can't leave the manor for a minute
without something being pinched.
Oh, thank you.
All I can say is,
if he comes back here,
he knows what he'll get.
Oh!
I think Robin is a wonderful person.
And he's doing a wonderful job.
Especially amongst us poorer folk.
I just wish he had more time
to spend among us.
PEOPLE CHATTER
Hello there, mate.
Hi.
Mr Hood, what do you reckon
as your achievements,
and what are your hopes
for the future?
Well
after six years in social work,
I still find myself amazed
and touched by the gratitude
of the folk we're trying to help.
In fact, we've been so successful
in taking from the rich
and giving to the poor,
they are now having to take
a lot back from the poor
and give it to the rich.
ALL AGREE
So there's at least another
six years' work there.
Robin, what do you get out of it?
Me?
A deep sense
of personal satisfaction.
The joy of
improving the lot
of my fellow men,
and 25% of the panto rights.
And there we must leave yesterday
for today.
But be sure to join us again
next week, and
AMERICAN ANNOUNCER:
See Chaucer write!
Yes, just half a crown
to see Chaucer write.
Cheer Richard III,
England's first detective!
I think I've got a hunch.
Thrill to the Wars of the Roses!
Watch the end
of the Hundred Years' War!
MUSIC DISTORTS
For sheer nail-biting,
toe-chilling excitement,
don't miss next week's
# The Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
Separate episodes
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# The Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# Complete and utter
# It's complete and utter
It's complete
And utter history. ♪
COIN RATTLES
Thank you. Thank you very much.