Connecting... (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[discordant piano notes]
♪
Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes!
No!
All the other thermometers
were sold out,
so I bought this meat thermometer.
You think it'll work in my mouth
or I gotta stab it in
my thigh like a chicken?
How much stuff did you buy?
I bulk bought CBD gummies,
Lisa Frank coloring books,
YA novels of dystopian teen romance.
- Annie!
- Don't judge me.
Didn't you just buy a
rack of Tory Burch caftans
and super expensive yoga wear?
Yes, and then I returned them all.
What? Why?
Because we don't know how
long this thing will last.
There are rumors in my
law firm is doing cutbacks
and I don't know what that's
gonna mean for my bonus.
So we've got to be smart
with money right now.
Well, at least you've got
money to be smart with.
Speaking of
Did you hear about Rufus's
latest get-rich-quick scheme?
Artisanal hand sanitizer!
- This is your big emergency?
- Yes.
You are in grave danger
of not cashing in on this pandemic.
No, I said no more schemes.
Just listen, just listen, just listen.
Do you remember a couple midsummers ago
I got my own home-brew equipment
so that I could make mead?
Yeah. You know what I don't remember?
- That whole month of August.
- I figured out I could distill
my remaining supply to pure alcohol,
combine it with black market aloe Vera,
and then re-brand it
for a desperate,
virus-fearing populace.
Now, get over here, hop
in my guest Hazmat suit,
and let's get ahead of the new economy.
- [tone chiming]
- Oh, look, another call.
- Now I don't have to fake one.
- Coward.
My life is over.
Pradeep, it's a pandemic.
Everyone's life is over.
No, no, no. Thanks to you,
Richie still insists on
raising our children vegan.
- You're still welcome.
- And now my children won't eat
anything but Woody Harrelson-branded
vegan mac and cheese or
Woody Harrelson's vegan chicken fingers.
I'm Visage's godfather,
and I take pride in knowing her
bougie vegan food preferences.
There is no Woody's Mac and Cheese
left anywhere in Los Angeles.
- Just order some online.
- I did.
And this is what I got.
A box of loose, broken spaghetti
and a bag of either Tang
and ranch dressing mix
or expired cocaine.
Why don't you let me move
in with you guys for a while,
- you know, help out?
- [laughs]
Oh, Ben.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Are you serious?
Yes, I'm serious. You're
overwhelmed, I'm lonely.
What are you scared of,
that your kids are gonna like me more?
'cause it's too late for that.
Let me talk to Richie.
He was a big germophobe
even before the pandemic,
so it might be a hard sell,
but it could be perfect.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh. I-I'll talk to you soon.
We'll talk about it
later. Bye-bye-bye.
- Hey, what's up?
- Emergency meeting.
Round up the Gossip Girls.
Quickly, before group drinks.
Is this a real emergency
or a Rufus emergency?
- Ben wants to move in with me.
- Oh!
Relax. I haven't said yes yet.
No, I thought these were gonna be
the ironic Third Eye
Blind T-shirts I ordered.
What are they? Hootie & The Blowfish?
No, they're a gun.
Someone mailed me a gun.
Ben wants to move in with me and Richie.
- Didn't see that coming.
- Ooh, plot twist.
- As a Manny.
- A Manny?
Like, to help out with the kids,
like my own Mrs. Doubtfire.
Well, sure, he just broke up with Paz,
and clearly my brother
can't be alone, so
Also, we don't talk about
Mrs. Doubtfire, Pradeep.
Hello! No?
- No.
- Pradeep.
Do you really think Ben
is going to be helpful?
He draws cartoons for a living.
He eats sugar cereal, and he's
still afraid of thunderstorms.
It will be like having a third child.
Good, good, good.
He can play with mine.
Annie, you have to commit now.
Are you going to ask Ben
to move in with you or not?
- I'm working on it.
- Well, work faster.
I am this close to
converting the basement
- into a guest bedroom.
- Hey, love? It's here.
You guys, I gotta go.
Annie, talk to Ben
before Pradeep steals him.
Hey, babe, the kids are starving.
No, no, no, no, no.
My mother's family was starving
when they were partitioned
out of Pakistan.
These kids are picky.
You raised picky kids.
Annie, make a move on Ben or I will.
I'll be back for the
group hang in a few.
You said you were gonna
ask him a month ago.
Why haven't you made a move?
One, I'm not sure that he's over Paz.
And two, because although I'm
a pragmatist and a feminist,
I want him to make the first move,
which is why I've
devised an elaborate plan.
After the group chat tonight,
we're supposed to be
streaming a movie together.
Just the two of us.
And I've chosen
"When Harry Met Sally."
That's it? That's your whole plan?
You might as well not
do anything at all,
because that's literally
the same thing as that.
It's a movie about how men
and women can't be friends
'cause of sexual tension and attraction.
Yeah, no, I've seen it.
My Hebrew school made us
watch the collected
works of Nora Ephron.
It'll start the conversation.
I'll steer it in the right direction,
and then boom, first move, Ben.
But is it really the first move
if you have to trick him into making it?
- Trick who into making what?
- Ben!
Annie wants Garret
to make her some sushi
but she wants him to
make the first move.
Hey, Ben. Are we still watching
Salutations. You remember
when you all met my dad?
- Oh, sorry, you go.
- Oh, no, you go.
No, I'm gonna go.
To the first month of quarantine
and hopefully not many more.
- Amen to that.
- [exhales deeply]
Hey, what's that big blinking
thing you got back there?
Ooh, I've been making
Japanese food and I bought
the most sophisticated
rice cooker on the market.
- Yeah, without consulting me.
- It was a surprise!
It can bake a cake
and order its own rice.
It's like a little human and I love it.
Thank you, Garret.
That thing's a waste of money.
My guy says all rice is gone mid-June.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- What's wrong?
- Oh, hey. You look a mess.
My children are monsters.
They refuse all Woody's Vegan
Mac and Cheese substitutes.
You guys know Richie spent all day
making Bon Eatery's
version from scratch.
It came out gorgeous.
Ross threw it at me, Visage
vomited it in the pan,
and then Richie went
to go do damage control.
And now all three of them
are crying in the other room.
I actually think you might
have some in your hair.
Macaroni or vomit? Macaroni or vomit?
[yells]
All I need is 20 minutes
of peace and quiet,
so guys, don't judge me,
but I ordered vegan chicken
fingers on a delivery app.
Driver's almost here.
I'm telling you, those kids just
need a little bit of Ben-Time.
I'm like a human vegan chicken finger.
I am discussing it with
Richie in the morning.
So if anyone has a problem with it,
they should discuss it tonight.
[laughing] But enough about my needs,
what are you guys discussing, Annie?
Garret was just showing us
his new rice cooker, Pradeep.
Would you like me to make some rice?
I need to buy some stuff.
Get me some hobbies, something.
I mean, I almost adopted a dog,
and I'm deathly allergic to dogs.
I just hate being alone.
But you don't regret
breaking up with Paz, right?
Right. Paz was whack.
- So whack.
- So whack.
- Mm-hmm.
- So whack.
I knew you guys didn't like her.
The first time she saw
me in a bathing suit,
she called me brave.
Paz called Michelle "Raquel."
You had been dating her
for a year and a half.
And she still thought
my name was Raquel.
She wouldn't let us watch
"A League of Their Own"
because she said brunette
Madonna made her sad.
Maybe that's what we should watch.
- I still haven't seen it.
- Actually, I was thinking
that maybe we should watch
We saw "Invisible Man."
- Oh, it was so good.
- How was it?
- So scary.
- Ooh.
You know, you had to
pay a little bit extra
because it was basically
a theatrical release,
but it was so worth it.
- That's not what I planned.
- Yes, that is what we should watch.
Right, right. Or we could watch
Okay, okay, now the delivery
driver can't find my house.
What is her deal?
You're driving the wrong
way. Driving the wrong way!
- Um
- Damn, Annie, you're blowing up.
Oh, yeah, nothing.
It's just work stuff.
Wait, what happened to Ben?
Oh, I'm the meeting
host and I kicked him out
so Annie would stop ignoring us.
He's single. My brother is
not going to be single for long.
Is it too much to want him
to make a move, any move?
I mean, if he was interested,
why hasn't he said
anything to any of us?
Actually, he may have
said something to me,
but I often tune him out. [kids whining]
Annie, I don't think you understand
how insane it is over here.
My children found their
harmonicas this morning.
If you don't ask Ben, I
Pradeep, you already have a husband.
You don't get to turn Ben
into Richie's sister wife
while I'm still single.
I can't rush this. He
just broke up with Paz.
I don't wanna be a rebound
or just some warm body
because he's lonely.
Plus, you guys are my L.A. family.
If things go bad, it could
wreck it for all of us.
And I don't wanna mess this
up down, left, right.
Then you press A, B, then
start, and then you can
What happened? It said
the host kicked me out.
My hand slipped.
What were you guys talking about?
- Our crumbling democracy.
- How long was I gone?
[laughs] You guys, the food is here!
- Coming! I'm saved.
- [harmonicas playing]
America is imploding, all right?
We got not enough food on the shelves,
not enough beds in the hospitals.
The vegan chicken finger
supply chain is broken.
What falls apart next?
Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
- This is wrong. This is all wrong!
- Ooh.
I waited for two
mother I-do-not-curse-in-front-
of-my-children-king hours
while you failed to find my address
with the aid of a
public satellite system
and several multinational corporations.
And you got the
not-in-front-of-my-children-
sucking order wrong?
Get your I-do-not-
use-that-language
out of my house before I
shove these Prada shoes up it.
Go!
Pradeep, it seems, is
what falls apart next.
Come on!
Apparently, the restaurant
was out of vegan chicken fingers,
so they substituted fried pickles.
Pradeep, the driver can't control that.
All I know is that it is
almost my kids' bedtime,
and I'm back to square one.
If I was there we'd
play a round of Ben-Ball,
tire them right out.
They love Ben-Ball.
The kids do love Ben-Ball.
And if no one else wants
to play Ben-Ball, then
What if Ben and your kids
get mutually codependent?
I heard that can happen
when friends move in with
other friends' families.
I choose my sanity
over their co-dependence
any day of the week.
Pradeep, just take a deep
breath and start a new order.
I have to give the driver a review
before I can start a new one.
I think we all know
what that's gonna be.
Wait, stop. What are you doing?
I'm giving the driver
a one star review, duh.
- No, you can't.
- That's too far, bro.
She was two hours late
delivering four pounds
of cold fried pickles.
I am delivering her one star,
and I'm doing it punctually.
Unlike other people.
If your rating goes beneath
four on those services,
you stop getting work.
The economy's crumbling.
We have to be looking
out for each other.
Pradeep, I understand having
kids right now it's hard,
but you can't cost someone
their job because you're tired.
Tired? Tired?
Maybe you should move in so
you can see what it's like.
Whoa, everyone, stop.
Look, we're all super stressed, okay?
Michelle's worried about
money. Ben is lonely.
I
have my issues also.
This quarantine is lasting
longer than we expected,
and we're all fraying
at the seams a little.
Pradeep, is it possible
that this is about
more than just pickles?
Do you wanna talk?
No, I want to sleep.
I wanna order food
quickly so my children
don't low-blood-sugar tantrum
till 3:00 in the morning.
I am giving her one star.
How does it take someone two
hours to drive nine blocks?
Well, that's the thing,
isn't it, Pradeep?
You don't know because you're
not out there facing the danger
and the chaos of everything
going on right now.
You're just letting other
people do it for you.
So when it doesn't go perfectly,
you don't get to complain.
Just like you don't
get to complain about
Richie's parenting, because honestly,
you've just been
letting him do that too.
- Whoa.
- Are you serious?
You're telling me about
how to raise children?
It's, like, no wonder
you want Ben to move in.
You haven't had to do any
parenting in four years.
Ellis, I think that's a little too far.
Why do you care if I
give this person one star?
Because I lost my job.
- What?
- Oh, no.
The place I was managing went
under and it's not coming back.
And I've been delivering
food for two weeks,
and if I got a one star
review, I couldn't even do that.
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't know that.
But
I just paid 100% surge premium delivery
on overpriced food that
wasn't even delivered.
I paid $90, plus tip, to try and get
20 minutes of peace and quiet.
And when that didn't even work,
I can't even say that
this person did a bad job?
My clients keep telling me
that they don't need work right now.
So I'm being constantly
reminded of how stupid I was
to start a PR business
and buy this house.
And I can't afford $90 for
fried pickles I don't want.
You're right, Ellis.
I haven't been doing my
fair share of the parenting,
and starting to carry that weight
in the middle of a pandemic
and an economic downturn
has just been rough.
And things with Richie are tense too.
So I thought if I could
just solve this one thing
and then all the other
things would fall into line,
but I couldn't.
I don't know how to do this.
[cell phone chimes]
I gave her five stars.
So it was about more than
just the pickles then, huh?
I didn't know things were
that bad over there, Pradeep.
Yeah, neither did I
until I said it out loud.
Seriously, would it help
if I moved in with you guys,
help take a little pressure off?
Maybe Ben should move
in with you, you know?
I mean, he's a pretty helpful guy.
You can reach the shelves
in the kitchen for you.
Thank you.
But I can reach those shelves
when I jump.
Plus, isn't there someone,
somewhere, who needs him more?
Wait, who needs me mo
Y'all been talking to my mama?
Or maybe he needs to move forward,
because someone who cares
about him isn't seen in the way
that someone would like to be seen as.
I can't move in with my mom.
She put all her collectible
dolls in my bedroom,
and they keep looking at me.
Maybe Ben doesn't know that
that someone feels that way
because that someone's
emotions are locked up tighter
than the Disney Vault.
The someone has shown how she feels.
She smiles. Smiles are big signals.
Maybe if you're in Downton Abbey.
Guys, I am not moving
back in with my mom.
She talks to the TV.
She thinks her and Judge
Mathis are good friends.
Ben, you can't move
in. Ellis is right.
I need to start working
on living with my family
instead of coming up with
new places to hide from them.
I don't know, Pradeep.
In an anarchist
post-apocalyptic society,
radical selfishness may
be the only viable option.
Rufus, no, stop.
We're not ourselves right now.
Hell, the whole world is off.
I got sent a gun in the mail today.
- What?
- How did this not come up earlier?
We were too busy
dealing with Picklegate.
I prefer to think of it as Brine/11.
- But who
- It's addressed to this
creepy guy named Elwood. He
lives in the building across from mine.
He has a telescope.
If you're not an astronomer,
you shouldn't have a telescope.
Anyway, not the point.
I hate guns,
but I've been so freaked out
with everything going on lately
that I was actually
thinking about keeping it.
You should 100% keep that gun.
When society collapses,
a gun will be worth its weight in gold.
- It will?
- Yes.
And for the record, all of
you should be buying gold.
Rufus, I'm not keeping the gun.
I don't want any of this to
change who I am, who we are.
I know it's all different now.
These screens and these apps,
it's harder to stay
connected, but we have to try.
Pradeep and Ellis, you
guys have to talk to us.
You shouldn't be carrying
all this on your own.
We're a family, okay?
I don't know what I'd
do without you guys.
I would also encourage
you to talk with others
in this group about what you're feeling.
After all, people and not-talking houses
- should not throw talk-stones.
- Socrates.
Ellis, are you okay?
Can you pay your rent?
- Health insurance?
- [sighs]
Honestly, I'm not sure
I can afford either,
which, you know, is not
great when you're a lady
who has to take hormones
every day, but I will survive.
They're not letting landlords
throw people out for
not paying rent yet,
so I'm just gonna let that slide
and continue to deliver
people's groceries and food
until I figure something out.
You can always join my new venture.
Plus my hand sanitizer,
it makes great heating fuel for
when the power grid goes down.
Rufus, did you not hear me
just say I'm about to
lose my health insurance?
I'm not stepping a foot
near your stupid meth lab.
Ugh, I wish I could make meth here.
Ellis, they can't evict you,
but you're gonna rack
up a whole bunch of debt
by not paying your rent for months.
I'll figure it out. I always do.
- We'll pay.
- What?
No, we can afford it.
You saved our asses a thousand times
when you managed our rental units.
We will pay your rent. You
pay your health insurance.
You guys don't have to do that.
Yeah, can we maybe talk
about this real quick?
Ellis, you're our
friend. We care about you.
- We can take care of you.
- But can we?
I mean, obviously, I would love to,
but all this talk about
a crumbling society and lawlessness
We don't know how long
this situation is gonna last, Garret.
Ellis, I am not saying that
we're not gonna to help you.
I'm just saying that we
need to talk about it first.
We should go.
I have to go start my
delivery shift anyway.
Yeah, I love you guys, but
I should go talk to Richie.
Ben, you still up for a movie?
Sure. "Invisible Man"?
I was thinking "When Harry Met Sally."
- Okay, we're gonna go.
- Okay, bye.
Gotta go, it's very charming.
Have fun, see you later.
- [sighs] That was intense.
- Intense times.
I can't believe I was actually thinking
of keeping this handgun.
- Annie.
- What?
That's a flare gun.
It has the word "flare" written on it.
Oh, wow. I thought
that was the brand.
This looks like a gun.
That thing doesn't shoot bullets.
It helps people find
you in an emergency.
Well, this is an emergency,
and I do need someone to find me.
[flare explodes]
Oh, my God, I thought
you said it didn't shoot!
- It doesn't shoot bullets.
- [smoke alarm blaring]
It shoots flares.
No, I think my Girl Scout cookies
are on fire. I gotta go.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I think so.
I mean, the fire department
kept it contained to my kitchen,
and this is hardly the first time
I set fire to something in there.
This has made one thing
very clear, though.
I should never own a gun.
And you never did. Once
again, it was a flare gun.
- Where are you at right now?
- My balcony.
My apartment is full of ash, water,
and half a dozen strangers
breathing on my things
during a pandemic.
What do you think will kill me first?
The firemen breath or
the burnt microwave smoke?
- You can't go to a hotel right now.
- Miss?
Why don't you come over
to my place and spend the night?
The police are gonna
need to speak with you.
Yeah, I'm just gonna put my
mask on, I'll be right in.
Sorry, I gotta go.
The police are here.
What were you saying?
Nothing. I don't know
We can talk about tomorrow.
Thanks for calling me.
You're exactly who I wanted
to talk to you right now.
[piano notes]
Garret.
Catching me in raw the
glamor of food delivery.
- Where you going?
- Driver-client privilege.
But her name may or may not be Lizzo,
and she may or may not have ordered
the coconut Bavarian from Vespertine.
We're gonna pay your rent
and your health insurance
until you can afford both.
It's not a loan,
and I am not taking no for an answer.
- Garret.
- You're our family.
We work our asses off
to do things like this
for the people that we love.
That's very sweet.
What does Michelle have to say?
Sorry, husband-wife privilege.
I'm not taking money from you
guys behind Michelle's back.
You're not.
This is from her too.
She just doesn't know it yet.
Look Michelle is all
love, you know that.
And she's the one that taught me
about generosity and
compassion and and
she's just scared right now.
She's not herself, and that's okay.
She'll get back there.
I'm just gonna be her until she does.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, we are.
Thank you.
[soft melancholy music]
♪
Ben, for the last time,
you cannot quarantine
with me and my family.
No, no, no, I'm off
that. I'm just checking in.
How do things go with Richie?
Oh, you know what? I think we're okay.
Richie's the best.
He's been stuck with
these kids for four years.
He's used to it.
I think we're having a major break.
And he's like, "No, no, no, no, babe,
that was just a Wednesday."
What?
We are gonna go back
to counseling, though,
you know, make sure we stay okay.
Good. Speaking of okay,
go ahead and check outside
your door right now.
What did you do?
Oh! No. No, no, no!
How did you what
the Is this a hologram?
I helped Rufus out with his
illegal hand sanitizer hooch,
but I made him pay me with dark web
black market vegan children's pasta.
Apparently, this was
flown in from Thailand,
and it came with 5 pounds
of heroin and a human kidney.
What made you do this?
You're my friend. I care about you.
You still cannot move in with us.
Why not? You're being selfish.
You wanna teach your kids selfishness?
I love you, Ben.
I love you, too.
You can keep the bribe.
Oh, I intend to. [laughs]
Yes!