Cooper Barretts Guide to Surviving Life (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

Hey, everybody.
Cooper Barrett here.
This week's topic money.
Or more precisely, what to do when you don't have any.
For most of your young adult life, you will be short on cash, and that can be pretty discouraging.
You may even find yourself in some pretty desperate situations.
Give me all your money.
Don't hurt us, - Paula Abdul! - Trust me, this will eventually make sense.
My name is Cooper Barrett.
And my friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.
Wow, this place is embarrassing.
I feel like I'm in a Whitesnake video.
Let's get out of here.
We haven't even talked to no ladies yet.
That's because you're huddled around like Japanese monkeys.
What is this, a Sadie Hawkins dance? Sadie who? Man, I don't understand half the stuff - you be sayin'.
- Look, Josh, you don't get it.
First, we kick back and act like we don't need the ladies.
Yeah, then we make a little eye contact, sashay over and And I'm like, "What's up, girl? Do you collect candles and vinyl figurines?" And she's like, "Yeah.
Let's get married!" I'm like, "Okay, I guess, if you wanna.
" - No.
- No, not happening.
- Do not say that.
- We ain't saying that.
I got this.
You guys want to chip in or? Nah, you got it.
No, we're All right, well, I'm out of here.
I suggest you guys follow, okay? You guys have a business to run.
You got it.
Right behind you, brother.
- Night-night.
- Give me some room, give me some room.
What do you guys say, one more? The night is young.
Hell, yeah, one more.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You're sexy.
- 'Cause I'm attractive.
Do you guys want to join me and my girlfriends in VIP? - I love you.
- What'd he say? He said he'd love to.
- Come on.
- Here they come.
Okay, guys, I'm calling dibs on the redhead.
We have a real connection.
What connection?! You just called her the redhead.
Well, how am I supposed to remember names? There are so many of them.
And they look so good.
They're like giant walking candy.
That you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Okay, so I say we be gentlemen and let them all have sex with us.
Cheers.
Sex.
Okay, break.
Where'd they go? Whoa, $1,100? We had four bottles.
Was it four? That's $1,400.
Did I die? I feel like I died.
This is declined.
This is declined.
And this is a Dave & Busters membership card.
Yep, been a member since 2003.
Run that again.
This 500's all I have, dude.
I'm not gonna be able to make rent this month.
Same, and we're still 400 short.
Barry? Let me check my balance.
$47 and six yen.
All right, well, we got ourselves into this.
We can get ourselves out.
Cannot believe you guys got me out of bed at 2:00 a.
m.
to pay your bill.
Sorry, Josh.
- Thank you, Josh.
- Thank you, Josh.
Yeah, yeah, get out of here.
Listen, Coop, I can't keep bailing you out every time you run up a tab or you dent a car or you break a neighbor's window with your BB gun.
Okay, that happened when I was ten.
And 12.
And 14.
It was Dad's fault for buying me the damn thing.
Yeah, well, I'm still paying Mrs.
Frank's medical bills.
Look, I promise I will pay you back the moment - I get the hangover cure off the ground.
- Oh, yeah? Well, how's that going for you? 'Cause the way I see it, you're closing down a bar on a Tuesday night.
And you spent all of your startup cash on a company banner the size of a football field.
Which is why Barry's no longer in charge of purchasing.
Look, I know I need to take it up a notch, and I'm going to.
Yeah, well, I hope so, because this is the last time I'm bailing you out.
Okay, I don't need you to.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Good.
- Good.
You're adopted.
Listen, I'm sorry about that one.
- I'm sorry, but I'm j - Yeah, okay, let's do this.
Yeah.
I actually just joined this adult kickball league.
- Shut up! I love kickball.
- You do?! No, I Well, I was one of the founding members - of We Do Kickin' Right - "The first all-female kickball team devoted to straight ballin'.
" - What?! - Shut up! Come on! How did you even hear about us? We stopped playing, like, six years ago.
You kidding? You guys are legendary.
- Oh, now.
- You beat Saved by the Ball.
Well, more like "Saved by the Bushwhackers.
" Oh, never mind him.
He's never rolled the rubber.
- Yeah? - Pretty happy about that.
Oh, my God, okay, I got to go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, go, go, go.
- Okay.
What is Kelly doing here? Oh, she was nice enough to babysit after Ramona canceled.
And we just got to chatting.
Why didn't you tell me we had so much in common? What? She's young and hip and you're so much more than that.
We could be best friends.
Okay, don't get too excited.
Take a breath, you're gonna freak her out.
You know what, you take a breath.
I am killing it.
Okay, I'm going.
This was so much fun.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh, man, it was so much fun.
Oh, wait, let me pay you.
I feel like I'm paying you to spend time with me.
You whore.
Okay.
Well, good night.
Yep, really killing it.
Know what, guys? We need to prove to Josh and all the doubters that we're serious about making this company a success.
All right, we have an awesome product, a Web site ready to go.
A giant-ass banner.
Yeah, thank you, Barry.
And once we start making some sales, our money problems will be solved.
Okay, but rent was due yesterday.
- We need some fast cash.
- Aw, come on, that's crazy talk.
We've lived here for years, we've always paid on time.
Virgil will give us some leeway.
This next unit will be available immediately.
Don't worry about the furniture.
It will be in the garbage.
We may need some fast cash.
I can't move in with my mom again.
My new dad Kevin uses my bedroom to make beer! Dude, why don't you just hit up Josh again? He loves paying for you.
He said, literally, the opposite.
No, besides, that would be admitting defeat.
All we have to do is massively grow our business overnight.
Any ideas how? I still got the phone number of that sports radio guy I rear-ended last week.
Mr.
Cowherd, we're a perfect fit.
I mean, you have millions of listeners And we are in desperate need of publicity.
Can I just get my insurance check, guys? There's no way that's happening.
But maybe you could read a commercial for us on the air! How 'bout I give you a plug on my Periscope stream? That would be amazing.
Okay.
Hi, everybody! If you're like me, and you're being held against your will by three overeager millennials, call the police! How'd that work for you guys? Thanks for listening! Well, that went about as well as I expected.
I'm gonna go out and try and scrounge up some money.
Suggest you guys do the same.
Yo, come to the festival.
It's not just a hangover cure, it's my dream.
And it's an emerging lifestyle brand that will appeal to an incredibly valuable demographic.
And your assets are an old ice cream truck, a Web site that has 12 hits, and the world's largest banner? And a dream.
Put-put put down "dream.
" Dream.
So, how much do you think you can lend me? How about zero? Seems low.
It's an average? People, wake up! Two for one, two for one on Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure! It's like having a second liver, okay? Come and get it! We got it on sale! I'm here I'll have two Creamsicles, please.
I told you, this is not a ice cream truck, okay? This is for grown-ups.
My dad drinks.
This one's on the house.
Two for one! Come on, we got one sale off right now.
I need two.
Can I get another one? Thanks for seeing me, Mr.
Borg.
It's always an open door, Neal.
You're one of our best employees.
Thank you.
That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about today.
I've worked at the company for a very long time, and I've made a lot of money for us, and You're crying.
I'm sorry, Neal.
It's Oh, just Sharon's left me and, Mom's in the hospital.
Twins really need therapy, so the bills are piling up.
Anyway, I've made a lot of money for this company, and This is awkward, but do you think you could spot me some cash? I'm really not in any position It's just so hard right Oh, God God bless you, Neal.
I meant to call her a whore, not a whore.
Do you think she took it the wrong way? I don't know, but why don't we talk about it for another nine hours? I need to find out if she was offended.
Well, she works three blocks from here, sweetie.
- Just go talk to her.
- No.
I can't do that.
What if I make things worse by calling her a skank or something? Okay.
I have an idea.
Why don't you just forget about it? Or Thanks for getting me in on such short notice.
You were smart to see me.
Your latissimus dorsi is completely out of whack.
Yeah, every day's a struggle.
So, Leslie really loved hanging out with you the other day.
You know, not everybody gets her, you know, - acerbic sense of humor.
- Right.
Oh, yeah, you got a really big knot here.
- Yeah.
Oh - Look, I'm actually really glad that you brought up Leslie's sense of humor, because I just I needed her to know that Your 4:15 is ready.
Thank you so much, Brinley.
She seems great.
So, to recap, Virgil's threatening to kill the power, I can't get a loan, and now we're also stuck with the bill for your boss's divorce lawyer.
Yeah, but we're on a payment plan, so Once again, Barry has saved the day.
- Never happen.
- Once again? I found a way to solve our money problems.
Guaranteed cash, risk-free, baby.
Drug trials? What's so funny, man? I met this chill homeless dude down the street, and he just told me he made $5,000.
The only thing he had to do was take one pill that made his toe fall off.
Okay, hard pass.
We're not that desperate.
Man, it's only one - toe.
- And Virgil killed the power.
They pay cash up front? Perfect.
Money problem solved.
And, minus rent and expenses, we're even up 175 bucks.
Yes! And we still have 30 toes between us.
Have you guys seen this list of side effects? "Sweating, itching, hallucinations, - hair loss, spontaneous bruising of the" - Oh, relax.
The doctor said the drug would be out of our systems in six hours.
Besides, we probably got a placebo.
We definitely got the placebo.
I can't feel my face.
Ooh, that placebo got some mean side effects.
Can't hear you.
Too itchy.
Guys That's Paula Abdul.
- Oh, my God! - Whoa! - She's a triple threat.
- Guys.
Why are we having a hard time selling the hangover cure? Because modern capitalism is a farce with only the illusion of upward mobility.
Yeah, what he said.
Open your eyes, Coop.
No.
Because we haven't built any product awareness.
And I'm about to change that.
Ms.
Abdul.
Sorry to bother you.
- May I have a moment of your time? - What's this? This is $7 billion.
See, back in 1984, the soft drink market had three categories: water, juice and soda.
I like the label.
- That's my grandma.
- I did the clip art.
See, this is the next seismic shift in the beverage industry, and we want to offer you the chance to get in on the ground floor.
You know what? I'm in.
- Guys.
- Hmm? You're very sweaty.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Hey.
How'd it go? Was she offended? Was Kelly offended? Yeah, we yeah, we we started to talk about it.
- Okay.
- You know, touched on it.
- Good.
- Brushed up against it.
Okay.
And then, you know, it just got a little awkward.
What is the use of you? We just need to all hang out so that she knows I'm not weird.
I'm gonna make that happen.
Hello? Hey, girl.
You've got Leslie and Josh on the line.
What Ow! What's up, Kelly? Oh, hey, guys.
What's up? Hey, oh, uh, we were just, uh, saying how much we you know, we like you.
Really like you.
And and how much fun it would be if the three of us got together.
- The three of us? - Yeah.
Yeah, you come up to the house, - have a few drinks.
- Yeah.
No Gracie.
Just pure adult time.
And then just, unwind and see where the night takes us.
How does that sound? Different.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- That's dope.
- Yeah, it's on fleek.
Okay, I'll e-mail you the deets.
Okay.
That was weird.
Not weird at all! It ain't fiction.
It's a natural fact.
There's nothing like Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure.
Take it from me, Paula Abdul.
Straight up.
And cut! That was amazing, Paula Abdul.
Who needs Josh's money? We got the money from the trial to tide us over, and once this video gets out, - we're gonna be rolling in it.
- Yeah! That was great, Paula.
Did you want to try it another way or Yeah.
How about we try it like this? - Whoa, whoa.
Whoa! - Don't shoot! Give me all your money.
Don't hurt us, Paula Abdul! Why you keep calling me Paula Abdul? Neal, what was that third side effect? Hallucinations.
So we just got a major product endorsement from a homeless man.
Sorry, boys.
Desperate times, desperate measures.
Give me the cash.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
We got a contract that we signed today at eleven forty-f - Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.
It ain't fiction, it's a natural fact.
You got to have sex appeal when you're doing these type of videos.
He can shake his hips, though.
Barry's Homemade Natural Hangover Cure.
Take it from me, Paula Abdul.
You can't even see the label.
That's true.
Why did we all see Paula Abdul? That drug should not be approved.
I actually saw Janet Jackson; I just didn't want to say anything about it.
It's a good thing we're befriending the homeless, 'cause they're gonna be our neighbors soon.
Virgil's threatening to change the locks.
Guys, I don't care what my brother or some stupid loan officer says; we're gonna get this business going.
I don't know, man.
Maybe Josh is right.
Maybe we're not cut out to be entrepreneurs.
Maybe it's time to hang up my dreams, pick up the family trade, and become a heart surgeon.
Desperate times, desperate measures.
Well, before you do that I have one more idea.
In the words of a homeless man we thought was a petite early '90s dance icon desperate times, desperate measures.
Barry.
All right, go, go, go.
Ready, go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
What are you doing? Go, go, go.
Go.
Guys.
Come on! Let's get this done! Why I got to carry this big-ass bag?! Come on, Barry.
All right, Neal, let's do this.
very slowly and carefully forced upwards.
Eventually, the split Oh, my God.
Can you rewind it? I missed this one.
Right there! Leave it there! Just do it.
Just do what he's - the barrel suddenly being allowed - Go on.
Go on.
- To rotate forward very slightly - Huh? Shh! - No, no, no, just - Where? - You got it, you got it.
- Ooh! Yeah! Go, go, go, go.
I mean, I-I lo I love Josh and Leslie, I do.
But I can't believe that they would go there.
If they are going there.
Because if they aren't going there, then it'll be a lovely evening.
But if they are going there, then it'll be the worst evening ever.
Well, maybe you should just ask them, straight-up.
Or I hope you guys don't mind that I brought a plus-one.
- Yeah.
- Of course not.
No.
- The more the merrier.
- Yep.
- That's what we say.
- We do.
Mm.
Oh, need a little topper.
Ladies? Little more vino? - Got it.
- Yeah.
Now it's a real party.
Party! I told you.
It's weird, right? They're totally hitting on us.
Why did she bring someone? She seems lovely, right? I think it's going well.
This is in no way awkward.
I'm gonna ask her.
They're totally hitting on us.
I'm kind of down with it.
Brinley.
I think you've had enough.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So, Kelly, we wanted to clear the air about something.
Yeah.
We think you probably know what it's about.
There's something between us, and I know you're feeling it, too.
And we really like you.
And we were wondering if I don't want to have sex with you! - What? - What? I do! - What? - What? Okay.
Oh, it's, uh Hey, what's up, bud? Hey, Josh.
What are you up to? Oh, uh, you know, Leslie called Kelly a whore, I touched her boob.
She doesn't want to have sex with us, but I think Brinley's into it.
What are you doing? Turn on the TV.
I'm on the news.
Here at the DTLA Music Festival Hey.
Hey! There you are! had broken into the Pacific Metropolitan Bank and hung a banner from the top.
- I'll buy that product.
- Yeah Well, look at that.
That is amazing.
I think you're amazing.
Oh, yeah.
Brinley, sorry.
This is not happening.
Right? No, Josh, it's not happening.
Yeah, that's what I told her.
It's not happening.
You know what? - Why don't, why don't you come by.
- I'm sure everybody at kickball would love to meet the woman behind the legend.
Oh! "The legend.
" Okay, great.
So we'll all meet for kickball, - as friends - Mm-hmm.
and then we'll grab lunch after? - Yeah, I would love that.
- Will Brinley be there? She will not.
Good.
Here is to my not-so-little brother, whom I always believed in.
Smart move putting up that giant banner at the music festival.
Hey, we just got another order! And, after rent and the fine from the city, we should have enough for Neal's boss's divorce.
- Yay! - Divorce! Yay! It's nice to have a little scratch in your pocket, huh? Yeah.
You want me to get you a drink? Maybe it's time to, start picking up Mrs.
Frank's medical bills.
- Absolutely.
Will do.
- 'Cause Remember what I said at the beginning about not having enough money and how discouraging it can be, how desperate it can make you? Embrace it.
'Cause if you can, that desperation can show you what you want, what you're capable of, and, more importantly, what you already have.
Yo.
Come on.
Thank God we worked things out with Kelly.
- Still a little weird.
- Yeah, it is.
On the bright side, looks like these guys can finally stand on their own two feet.
Sir, the bill.
Uh, bill? I already Man, they got out of here fast.
I didn't bring my wallet.