Cooper's Bar (2022) s01e02 Episode Script
Loving the Pitch
1
♪♪
When Kris Latimer
shows up tonight,
she'll see this sign
and immediately think
of the most successful show
in TV history.
"Jeopardy!"?
[British accent] No, it's
the World Cup, you pillock.
"Cheers"!
"Cheers."
You nitwits.
Never even heard
of the World Cup.
It's like the Super Bowl,
except important.
"Cheers."
You know, there was a bar.
♪♪
[Sniffs, sighs]
Cooper, about tonight.
Kris Latimer
is not coming.
What? What,
is she blowing us off?
No, no. Antonia
Gutierrez is coming,
head of development.
Head of development.
What, is she gonna take us
into a dark room
and spray us
with silver nitrate?
Cooper, she's
an important executive.
She can make this
happen for us.
So don'tshit the bed.
Okay?
Or put your balls
in the cheesecake.
Kris
this can't be the place.
Cracked driveway,
a sidewalk recliner,
like meth-den vibes.
Okay, if you say so.
Hey, do you think these guys
even know what a streamer is?
Yeah,
it's a party ribbon.
Oh, shit.
There's, like, three guys here.
Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.
You don't worry. I got this.
I got it. Yeah, yeah.
Bye.
Don't panic.
It's It's vegan.
Cauliflower, LOL.
♪♪
Sit, sit, sit.
Just make yourselves at home.
Kris Latimer
sends her pale imitation
of what she mistakes
for as love.
So, guys, we read over the pitch
and what you created
Can you pass these out?
it's it's sharp.
It's funny.
It's it's interesting.
But, guys, you've got
to make it play into 2020.
-Right.
-What I love about it
is that
it really reminds me of myself
and how it felt when I got
shipped away to boarding school,
which funny story.
Then oh, ho then
when I received
the silver lei,
she had the gall
to have a cardiac infarction
that same weekend.
So, you know, the whole family
had to make it about her.
Unbelievable. I mean,
you can't pick 'em, right?
She's a Leo. Shocker.
I was drifting still.
And after my third
ayahuasca trip,
you know, I dabbled
in this psilocybin therapy,
but turns out, I'm allergic.
Sucks.
Then I went to this amazing
self-actualization center
in Solameco,
which, lo and behold,
became the real-life inspo
for this self-actualization
center on Cooper's farm.
So Cooper's got
a self-actualization farm
in L.A.?
Oh, no, we're not
We're not shooting this in L.A.
Oh, hallelujah.
People have farms in Buffalo.
Alabama's where the best
tax credit is right now.
Great crews in Alabama.
Like you'd know.
So in your mind,
I'm this barkeep
who's a farmer,
who's like
a spin instructor?
I see it.
Redemption and inspiration.
It appeals to the podunk
and the coast.
I'm gonna really enjoy
writing this.
I got to be honest
with you,
I-I don't think
I can play this.
Has Kris Latimer
not mentioned any of this
to you guys, like, at all?
Cooper, you don't have to worry
about playing Cooper
because Amy Schumer is.
Amy Schumer?!
Amy Schumer?!
-She wants to do it.
-That's amazing.
I know.She's always how
I saw Cooper.
She loves the theme.
You know, chaos is the mother
of invention.
She loves the band of losers
that hash everything up
and that, you know,
Cooper is always there
to save the day.
And this is my favorite part.
Amy's created a lifestyle brand,
so whatever Cooper's selling
at the self-actualization
center on the show,
Amy will be promoting
through her multiplatform
brand integration,
which drives the consumer
to her online store.
Oh, good Lord.I know.
I mean, we're gonna
be printing money.
Well, you know,
the studio will be, but
So, um, Cooper
Business Affairs drew up
this little life-rights deal.
Boilerplate stuff.
But, you know, if all goes well,
you might have a nice
little lump sum there,
maybe clean up some
credit-card debt and whatnot.
I tell you, Anita Antonia.
We can set it in the South.
Terrific.
And I get it
that you don't want me.
Amy Schumer's
a much bigger star.
God, I'm so looking forward
to working with her.
Oh. The, uh, the star brings
in their own team.
But Cooper's Bar
is not a place
where rich people go
to escape
their made-up problems.
It's a real watering hole
where normal people
get a tiny break
from the billion
daily indignities
of working
in this fucking town.
or any job
that shits on you.
I mean, look at this.
This isbullshit.
Vagina-scented candles
sell, man.
No, no.
These these these
vegan cauliflower shit wings
doesn't even know
what it's trying to be.
Does it want to be
better cauliflower
or worse chicken?
Whatever it is,
it should be
against the law.
Antonia.
He's an actor from Buffalo.
He doesn't really
understand the game.
Let me go and talk to him.
Director to star.Yeah.
Alright.
Let's talk story arches.
Story arcs?
You say tomato
Coops.
I can't believe I thought
for even one stupid minute
this might be my shot.
I'm a fool.
Yeah.
The writing samples
will have to be in writing.
Cooper. Cooper.
I've watched you change
your clothes
three times a day
in a Vons carpark
for three
different auditions.
Exactly, Dave.
This could still be
an opportunity, right?
You could be
Amy's dad or something.
Oh, give me a break.
Cooper, don't put your balls
in the cheesecake.
No, it's time I wake up
and do what I was
really meant to do.
Open a bar in Buffalo!
Excuse me.
Because Buffalo
is a real place
where no self-respecting
human being
would eat a limp piece
of vegetable shit like this
and pretend
it's a buffalo chicken wing.
It's a place where no one
runs around with earbuds
connected to their anus.
It's a place where
there's four seasons
and people are happy.
It's not 75 and sunny
every single day.
It's a place where if you want
real buffalo chicken wings,
you go to Eddie Brady's Tavern
on Genesee Street
and you order five dozen
of them,
along with
five dozen beers.
Because it's a real place
with real people
who actually age
and say what they think
to your face.
It's a place where
you give the mailman
a gift at Christmastime.
And unlike this city
of paranoid psychopaths,
you say hello
to your neighbors,
and your big dream
is to just keep having
good days,
like when it's mid-January
and you don't have to shovel
10 feet of snow
out of your driveway.
So you go to old
Daniel's Gin Mill
and you say hello to your pals,
who you love,
and you throw 20 bucks
into the kitty.
You don't care
if it's for drinks
or for someone's
bail bond.
You just do it because
you're a Buffalonian,
the city
of good neighbors
and you're talking proud.
And for a couple of hours,
you tip a glass,
tell a story,
and you laugh
and you're warm
and life is good.
♪♪
God, I miss Buffalo.
Forget Amy Schumer.
Cooper Marino should be played
by Cooper Marino.
And we're not shooting this
in Alabama.
No.Now you're talking.
No, we're doing
this Buffalo style,
which which probably
means Vancouver,
but pure, down and dirty.
"Cooper's Bar"
starring Cooper Marino.
Directed by David Butler.
And written
by Brandon Washington.
Cooper, get me a copy
of your latest headshot.
I'm going around Kris Latimer,
and I'm going straight
to the head of the studio
with this.
This
is gonna finally give me
a parking spot.
Yes.
I'll send you my reel.
It's mainly shorts.
I did a corporate
for Sears!
You heard the lady.
The star brings their own team.
And guess who's the star?
[Laughter]
♪♪
Oh, please.
No more vegan cauliflower wings.
I'm not Postmates, bruh.
♪♪
I live at Flex House
the collab house next door.
Is this place a bar?
No.
No.
Indeed it is.
Welcome to Cooper's Bar.
What can I get you?
I'll take
a Bacardi daiquiri.
What do you think this is?
The Love Boat?
Nah, man, old school.
Bacardi Superior rum,
lime juice.
extra-fine sugar.
Extra-fine sugar.
Nice.
And a basket of wings.
Yes, indeed, gentleman.
Did you say there's
a new collab house next door?
Yeah. Flex House.
You heard of us?
Flex House.
No shit.
Coops, bring me one
of them Bacardis, too.
♪♪
You try one of these?
Ooh, it appears that I make
a very nice cocktail.
Bussin wing.
These are fire.
Fire's good, right?
This place is called
Cooper's Bar, yeah?
Yeah,
but don't tell anybody.
This place hasn't exactly
passed its health inspection.
Mm-hmm.
♪♪
This kid's fucking nuts.
♪♪
[Cellphone chimes, dinging]
♪♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
♪♪
When Kris Latimer
shows up tonight,
she'll see this sign
and immediately think
of the most successful show
in TV history.
"Jeopardy!"?
[British accent] No, it's
the World Cup, you pillock.
"Cheers"!
"Cheers."
You nitwits.
Never even heard
of the World Cup.
It's like the Super Bowl,
except important.
"Cheers."
You know, there was a bar.
♪♪
[Sniffs, sighs]
Cooper, about tonight.
Kris Latimer
is not coming.
What? What,
is she blowing us off?
No, no. Antonia
Gutierrez is coming,
head of development.
Head of development.
What, is she gonna take us
into a dark room
and spray us
with silver nitrate?
Cooper, she's
an important executive.
She can make this
happen for us.
So don'tshit the bed.
Okay?
Or put your balls
in the cheesecake.
Kris
this can't be the place.
Cracked driveway,
a sidewalk recliner,
like meth-den vibes.
Okay, if you say so.
Hey, do you think these guys
even know what a streamer is?
Yeah,
it's a party ribbon.
Oh, shit.
There's, like, three guys here.
Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.
You don't worry. I got this.
I got it. Yeah, yeah.
Bye.
Don't panic.
It's It's vegan.
Cauliflower, LOL.
♪♪
Sit, sit, sit.
Just make yourselves at home.
Kris Latimer
sends her pale imitation
of what she mistakes
for as love.
So, guys, we read over the pitch
and what you created
Can you pass these out?
it's it's sharp.
It's funny.
It's it's interesting.
But, guys, you've got
to make it play into 2020.
-Right.
-What I love about it
is that
it really reminds me of myself
and how it felt when I got
shipped away to boarding school,
which funny story.
Then oh, ho then
when I received
the silver lei,
she had the gall
to have a cardiac infarction
that same weekend.
So, you know, the whole family
had to make it about her.
Unbelievable. I mean,
you can't pick 'em, right?
She's a Leo. Shocker.
I was drifting still.
And after my third
ayahuasca trip,
you know, I dabbled
in this psilocybin therapy,
but turns out, I'm allergic.
Sucks.
Then I went to this amazing
self-actualization center
in Solameco,
which, lo and behold,
became the real-life inspo
for this self-actualization
center on Cooper's farm.
So Cooper's got
a self-actualization farm
in L.A.?
Oh, no, we're not
We're not shooting this in L.A.
Oh, hallelujah.
People have farms in Buffalo.
Alabama's where the best
tax credit is right now.
Great crews in Alabama.
Like you'd know.
So in your mind,
I'm this barkeep
who's a farmer,
who's like
a spin instructor?
I see it.
Redemption and inspiration.
It appeals to the podunk
and the coast.
I'm gonna really enjoy
writing this.
I got to be honest
with you,
I-I don't think
I can play this.
Has Kris Latimer
not mentioned any of this
to you guys, like, at all?
Cooper, you don't have to worry
about playing Cooper
because Amy Schumer is.
Amy Schumer?!
Amy Schumer?!
-She wants to do it.
-That's amazing.
I know.She's always how
I saw Cooper.
She loves the theme.
You know, chaos is the mother
of invention.
She loves the band of losers
that hash everything up
and that, you know,
Cooper is always there
to save the day.
And this is my favorite part.
Amy's created a lifestyle brand,
so whatever Cooper's selling
at the self-actualization
center on the show,
Amy will be promoting
through her multiplatform
brand integration,
which drives the consumer
to her online store.
Oh, good Lord.I know.
I mean, we're gonna
be printing money.
Well, you know,
the studio will be, but
So, um, Cooper
Business Affairs drew up
this little life-rights deal.
Boilerplate stuff.
But, you know, if all goes well,
you might have a nice
little lump sum there,
maybe clean up some
credit-card debt and whatnot.
I tell you, Anita Antonia.
We can set it in the South.
Terrific.
And I get it
that you don't want me.
Amy Schumer's
a much bigger star.
God, I'm so looking forward
to working with her.
Oh. The, uh, the star brings
in their own team.
But Cooper's Bar
is not a place
where rich people go
to escape
their made-up problems.
It's a real watering hole
where normal people
get a tiny break
from the billion
daily indignities
of working
in this fucking town.
or any job
that shits on you.
I mean, look at this.
This isbullshit.
Vagina-scented candles
sell, man.
No, no.
These these these
vegan cauliflower shit wings
doesn't even know
what it's trying to be.
Does it want to be
better cauliflower
or worse chicken?
Whatever it is,
it should be
against the law.
Antonia.
He's an actor from Buffalo.
He doesn't really
understand the game.
Let me go and talk to him.
Director to star.Yeah.
Alright.
Let's talk story arches.
Story arcs?
You say tomato
Coops.
I can't believe I thought
for even one stupid minute
this might be my shot.
I'm a fool.
Yeah.
The writing samples
will have to be in writing.
Cooper. Cooper.
I've watched you change
your clothes
three times a day
in a Vons carpark
for three
different auditions.
Exactly, Dave.
This could still be
an opportunity, right?
You could be
Amy's dad or something.
Oh, give me a break.
Cooper, don't put your balls
in the cheesecake.
No, it's time I wake up
and do what I was
really meant to do.
Open a bar in Buffalo!
Excuse me.
Because Buffalo
is a real place
where no self-respecting
human being
would eat a limp piece
of vegetable shit like this
and pretend
it's a buffalo chicken wing.
It's a place where no one
runs around with earbuds
connected to their anus.
It's a place where
there's four seasons
and people are happy.
It's not 75 and sunny
every single day.
It's a place where if you want
real buffalo chicken wings,
you go to Eddie Brady's Tavern
on Genesee Street
and you order five dozen
of them,
along with
five dozen beers.
Because it's a real place
with real people
who actually age
and say what they think
to your face.
It's a place where
you give the mailman
a gift at Christmastime.
And unlike this city
of paranoid psychopaths,
you say hello
to your neighbors,
and your big dream
is to just keep having
good days,
like when it's mid-January
and you don't have to shovel
10 feet of snow
out of your driveway.
So you go to old
Daniel's Gin Mill
and you say hello to your pals,
who you love,
and you throw 20 bucks
into the kitty.
You don't care
if it's for drinks
or for someone's
bail bond.
You just do it because
you're a Buffalonian,
the city
of good neighbors
and you're talking proud.
And for a couple of hours,
you tip a glass,
tell a story,
and you laugh
and you're warm
and life is good.
♪♪
God, I miss Buffalo.
Forget Amy Schumer.
Cooper Marino should be played
by Cooper Marino.
And we're not shooting this
in Alabama.
No.Now you're talking.
No, we're doing
this Buffalo style,
which which probably
means Vancouver,
but pure, down and dirty.
"Cooper's Bar"
starring Cooper Marino.
Directed by David Butler.
And written
by Brandon Washington.
Cooper, get me a copy
of your latest headshot.
I'm going around Kris Latimer,
and I'm going straight
to the head of the studio
with this.
This
is gonna finally give me
a parking spot.
Yes.
I'll send you my reel.
It's mainly shorts.
I did a corporate
for Sears!
You heard the lady.
The star brings their own team.
And guess who's the star?
[Laughter]
♪♪
Oh, please.
No more vegan cauliflower wings.
I'm not Postmates, bruh.
♪♪
I live at Flex House
the collab house next door.
Is this place a bar?
No.
No.
Indeed it is.
Welcome to Cooper's Bar.
What can I get you?
I'll take
a Bacardi daiquiri.
What do you think this is?
The Love Boat?
Nah, man, old school.
Bacardi Superior rum,
lime juice.
extra-fine sugar.
Extra-fine sugar.
Nice.
And a basket of wings.
Yes, indeed, gentleman.
Did you say there's
a new collab house next door?
Yeah. Flex House.
You heard of us?
Flex House.
No shit.
Coops, bring me one
of them Bacardis, too.
♪♪
You try one of these?
Ooh, it appears that I make
a very nice cocktail.
Bussin wing.
These are fire.
Fire's good, right?
This place is called
Cooper's Bar, yeah?
Yeah,
but don't tell anybody.
This place hasn't exactly
passed its health inspection.
Mm-hmm.
♪♪
This kid's fucking nuts.
♪♪
[Cellphone chimes, dinging]
♪♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪