Crashing (US) (2017) s01e02 Episode Script
The Road
1 [trash truck whirring, beeping outside.]
[clattering.]
- [jack hammer rattling.]
- [men shouting indistinctly.]
Of course.
- [switch clicks.]
- [exhaust fan whirs, stops.]
[sighs.]
- [water splashing.]
- [distant siren blares.]
[sighs.]
[clinking.]
[playing over PA.]
I don't know how this whole business started Of you thinkin' that I have been untrue [beeping.]
Thirty-one, twenty-five.
But if you think that we'd be better parted Oh, my God.
This is embarrassing.
I I just realized I don't have my wallet.
I was mugged last night.
Sorry.
You may have all of this for free.
Why don't you take a chips and a soda while you're at it? I really kind of customized the plate, you know, like chicken wing, fill-in rice, and that came with It's all personalized.
I don't think you can just put it back.
I mean Yeah, we can.
Hey, Tommy, we have a put-back.
With sauce.
[sighs.]
- [grunts.]
- Oh, God! What the fuck, man? Oh, gee.
I'm sorry.
Why don't you buzz? There's a buzz? Yeah, there's a buzz.
This is an apartment building in New York.
You don't knock.
Nobody knocks.
I I'm sorry, Artie.
[grunts.]
It's a It's a two-key system.
I I didn't know.
What are you doin' up so early anyway? What do you mean? It's after noon.
I mean we slept in.
You see cigarettes around here anywhere? There's cigarettes everywhere.
So, what's your plan? Well, if it's okay, I was just gonna kind of camp out on the couch, maybe - watch a sad movie.
- I understand.
Sometimes when I'm sad, I like to watch sad movies.
You know, seeing somebody else cry kind of helps me get a good cry going.
Well, that's a good idea.
That's a great idea.
I think you should just sit here.
Let me know if you need help crying later.
I'll be happy to help you out with that.
Are you a man or what? Be a man.
What? Forget about it.
Your wife left you.
Oh, big deal.
Suppress those feelings.
That's what a man does.
Keep 'em down.
Keep 'em deep down.
Distract yourself.
That's what men do.
You gotta make money.
You can't have emotions and make money.
Just keep a blank stare on your face, do as you're told, then one day, you have a heart attack.
If you're lucky, you go clean.
"Go clean"? Here's what I gotta do.
I'm going to Albany.
I got a gig.
It's a benefit, but I get paid.
You saying you want me to leave? No, what I'm saying is I need a ride.
I could either pay somebody, or you could drive me to Albany for free, and when we get up there, you do a few minutes up front, on stage.
You want me to open for you? No, I want your car to open for me.
I need a ride to Albany is what I'm tellin' you.
How much time do you want me to do? How long does it take to say, "Here's Artie"? [chuckles.]
You got any CDs in this piece of shit? Yeah.
Whatever you want.
We got we got Oh, here we go.
You got your little CD book.
Yeah, nice little sélection.
Huh.
Paula Poundstone.
She's funny.
What's "Jars of Clay"? That's, uh, that's That's music.
- It's a rock band.
- Oh, yeah? - What do they sing? - It's Christian rock.
- It's probably why you haven't - Oh.
- Come on.
- I can't wait.
Artie, Jars of Clay, people make fun, but they rock, man.
They rock.
It's music with a message.
What's the message, "kill yourself"? Check it out.
- But if I can't swim after 40 days - [singing along.]
- And my mind gets crushed - [singing along.]
All right, let's stop.
Come on, man.
I'm gonna I'm gonna tuck and roll out of the car if you keep that on.
Here.
Poundstone: I'm not keepin' canned goods in my apartment for an earthquake.
If I get trapped beneath a beam for three days, I'm gonna at least lose weight.
[audience laughs.]
How depressing is this place, man? - What are you talking about? - What am I talking about? Look around you.
"Help wanted.
" The sign looks depressed.
I don't know, Artie.
It's nice.
It's fine.
We're on the road.
I'm eating french fries.
I get depressed gettin' up in the morning and I'm a successful comedian.
Imagine getting up and you work here.
You gotta put that apron on.
It's a it's a job.
It's service industry.
- It's a calling.
- I'm sorry.
Looks like an avalanche of the blues.
I don't know if I can do this.
I need your help tonight, man.
What do you mean? I've never been to Albany sober.
You were using the last time you were here? Let me think.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[laughs.]
Listen.
I'm being dead serious.
This is gonna sound odd.
You gotta save my life tonight.
All right? No pressure.
You gotta keep me from gettin' high.
- Okay.
- You think you can do that? - Yeah, of course.
- All right.
Honestly.
It's not easy.
You gotta intercept drugs.
I can do that.
I can intercept.
It not like we're buying drugs either.
People give me drugs.
- I've never done drugs.
- You've never done any drugs? Smoke a little weed, nothing? When I was 10, I went through a phase where I couldn't fall asleep without a Tylenol PM.
Is that phase over? - Yeah, I got through it.
- Oh, that's great.
This diner feels like 2 Broke Girls.
2 Broke Girls, One Cup.
[lively chattering.]
I have this joke about do you think vampires are afraid of lowercase T's.
Do you think that'll work in Albany? I don't think that would work anywhere.
I can't believe I'm back in this fucking shithole, man.
How depressing.
Look at this place.
I can't take this, man.
Hey, you guys need anything? - Let me get a Coke.
- He'll have soda.
- Coke soda.
- Soda.
In the red can, you know? Yeah.
Okay, be right back.
Artie, I'm gonna get a Diet Coke actually.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Yeah, that'll work.
- Yeah.
A Diet, yeah.
Yeah, it's good to be green room.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hi.
Um, would you mind taking this? Uh, I want to make sure there's no booze in the green room.
It's literally my job to make sure there's booze in the green room.
Uh, sure, um, but Artie is sober, so I don't want to tempt him with alcohol.
You realize he's not the only one on the bill, right? No, we're co-headlining, so we should be doing the same amount of time.
You don't do an hour and I do 30 minutes.
Then I'm just featuring for you.
Let's both do 45 minutes.
Do you really want to do an hour for these schmucks? - Yeah, I do! - Oh, you do? Okay, guess what? I'm doing an hour.
You do 30 minutes.
You're the opener.
Get it? No, I'm not the fucking opener.
- Yes, you are.
- Thank thank you very much, Katie.
- Katie: Sorry.
- Artie, if you were in my position, you would not just do a half an hour and shut up.
Um, sorry.
I'm I'm Pete.
I drove up with Artie.
I'm the opener.
Hey, Pete, hold on one second.
What the fuck, Artie? You brought a opener? I don't think we need to fight.
We can just I'll go up, I'll do just five minutes, I'll bring TJ up.
TJ, is there something you want me to say? Just say my name and Yogi Bear 3D.
They know who I am.
- Right, now, don't touch - You're Yogi Bear? - No, I'm Ranger Jones, okay? - Okay, I'm sorry.
I like that movie.
Justin Timberlake was Boo-Boo.
Look, man, we're co-headlining, okay? I'm doin' an hour, so it's you, then me, and that's it.
Fuck it.
I don't give a shit.
You do whatever time you want.
How does it feel knowing you'll never be as funny as your outfit? You should open and close your hour with that.
I might.
You're making fun of me? You look like you work for a homeless person.
- Uh, well - You interning on Skid Row? What cargo are you carrying in cargo pants? Um, I don't have a style.
Are you carrying nostalgia for the '90s? [loud chattering.]
Artie brought an emcee.
Bring him up.
We gotta start now.
Copy that.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage your first performer of the evening - What's his name? - I don't know.
Here he is! [loud chattering.]
Hey! [scattered applause.]
Hey, Albany, how you doing tonight? Let's give it up for ourselves for coming out! Can we get this on, please? Can we get the mic [louder.]
There we go.
Hey! - Hey! All right! - [cheers, applause.]
Hey! Albany! Uh, thanks for comin' out, everybody, and, uh, for a great cause.
You guys, give it up for Haha's for Tatas.
- That's what tonight is all about.
- [applause.]
I like Albany.
It's all of the "bany.
" It's not some of the "bany.
" I like that.
[chuckles.]
Uh, I'm not racist, but do you think at the very first meeting of the KKK, anyone there pushed for the correct spelling of "klan"? [scattered laughter.]
I like to think there was one guy there, overalls, no shirt, holding a torch, it's just driving him crazy in the back.
Just like "It's K-K-C.
" And then they get him.
[scattered laughter.]
There's no way they're not gonna get him for that.
It's a rare person who hates bad spelling and people who are different.
[scattered laughter.]
Well, okay.
They're not all road-tested.
I love Chinese food.
Do you guys ha You like Chinese food, Albany? [cheers, applause.]
It can be confusing though.
- Like crab ring - Man: Cream of some young guy! [laughter.]
I killed it! Okay.
Well, uh What do you say we keep this going? I, uh - [applause.]
- We'll bring out your next comedian.
- You guys excited? - [cheers.]
Your next comedian coming to the stage was in, uh, all sorts of things.
Transformers 4, uh, he was in Yogi Bear.
Please give it up for TJ Miller, everybody.
- TJ Miller! - [cheering.]
Yeah! Yeah! Hey, great job! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, yeah! I know that I look like a maître d who was fired earlier on in the day that has to finish his shift.
[laughter.]
I have a prescription for marijuana.
- Um - [cheering.]
It's for anxiety.
Primarily, anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.
[laughter.]
So, it's cleared that right up.
That's true.
You know, there are a lot of people that describe, uh, women with, uh, you know, onomatopoeia.
It'll be like, "Hey, you know, she had tits like bam!" You know what I mean? "Ass like bow!" [laughter.]
But my girlfriend Kate isn't very attractive, um, so I have to be like, "Yeah, she has breasts like meh.
" You know? "Yeah, ass like wah-wah-wah.
" "Ankles like awooga!" Hey, hey.
I'm in the green room.
I - Yeah? Oh, good.
- So what did you think? I mean, it was all right, right? What did I think? You ended with "Well.
" - Artie fucking Lange.
Dude! - Artie: Oh Hey, man.
How you doin'? You gotta take one of these.
I gotta take a drink with Artie fucking Lange.
No, sorry, he doesn't drink, man.
- Salud, right? - Salud.
Baba Booey.
- Baba Booey.
- It's not it's not Hey, what the Whoa.
What the fuck are you doing? Hey, I bought that for him.
You're a good man and a friendly friend.
Thanks for the drink.
He's got a show to do.
- Artie: Sorry.
- Ho! Come on, let's get out of here.
Geez Louise, let's get some chicky-fingies.
You know when you're, like, really drunk and you feel like you're gonna throw up, but you're like, "I bet I can make it to brunch"? I rolled the dice on that.
I lost, okay? As I begin to vomit into the street, I looked across and there was a woman sitting outside, drinking a Starbucks, and I just made eye contact with her as I was vomiting and I held eye contact.
It's a real story.
I was just like [retching.]
.
[retching.]
Did she go to work and she's like, "Oh, my God, I was so ugly today, I made a man vomit"? Thank you very much.
I'm TJ Miller.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Thank you.
TJ Miller, everybody! There goes TJ Miller! - Follow that.
- [scoffs.]
Fuckin' motherfucker.
That was a long one.
You guys, you still have some energy in ya? Well, that's great 'cause it's my honor to bring up the headliner for this show.
Are you guys ready for your headliner? [cheering.]
Let's start clapping right now for the amazing Artie Lange! - My friend Artie "New York" Lange! - [cheering.]
We're raising money for tits tonight.
Uh, I'll do anything for tits, right? Every guy, we'll do it, you know? I fuckin' love tits, man.
I love tits.
Yeah, my whole life is trying to get in shape.
I'm the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine.
[laughter.]
Yeah, I have a weird body makeup.
I, uh, I went to rehab for coke and, uh, one of my counselors was a black guy, and in the middle of group therapy, he said, "What are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?" [laughter.]
- Uh, I thought you did great.
I mean - Oh, thanks, man.
I thought you did pretty good too.
- You watched? - Yeah.
I mean, I thought it was funny that when things weren't working, you would just keep smiling like, you know? You just need to do more sets.
I mean, you need to do at least six or seven sets a week minimum.
Sometimes you just want to go camping or something.
I don't go camping unless I'm going there specifically to get material about camping.
And if you start working harder, maybe I'll take you out on a couple weekends, you can open for me.
That'd be fun.
- Really? - Yeah.
Wow.
I'm actually good, but I'll Cheers.
But I'm not gonna drink.
I just chugged a beer.
Pete, part of being an opener is being a good hang, okay? It's like your second job.
That's how you get ahead.
So, bottoms up.
Here, let's each do a toast.
Comedy.
Six letters, but a thousand reasons it makes the human condition easier.
Cheers.
Now you do one.
Uh, to comedy.
Take a look at your life and then write down some thoughts, memorize them, and then pass them off as something you're saying in the moment for people who are drinking and paid a cover.
Cheers.
You're fuckin' weird.
A guy in Albany got indicted for fucking four of his pets.
- [laughter, groaning.]
- A true story, okay? He told the cops he fucked three dogs and my hand to God, he said he fucked a parrot.
[laughter.]
Let's go through this.
We've all gotten drunk and fucked a dog.
But a parrot? If you're gonna fuck an animal, why fuck the one animal that could tell somebody about it? [laughter.]
Uh, you know what? Dude working the lights, stop flashing the light.
The light means I have to get off stage.
- I'm not getting off yet, all right? - [cheering.]
We just sat through TJ Miller's four-hour fucking marathon.
[cheers, applause.]
Hey.
How are ya? - Did you enjoy yourself? - Yes.
You were amazing.
TJ: All right, here, ready? - Let's stew it! - [cheering.]
I say it's "stew," not "do.
" Let's stew it! So, we should probably make a soup together is what I'm saying.
- Hi.
Oh, my God, you're so amazing.
- Hey.
Can we Can I hug you? I need a hug.
- Absolutely.
- From you.
Hi, I'm Susie.
I can't tell you how much you mean to me.
- I mean, you just are - Aww.
I'm such a big fan.
You've literally made me laugh when I've been on the floor crying.
- And I - Oh, thanks, doll.
I just I love you.
- I really do.
- That's very nice of you to say.
Yeah, do Is it okay - if we take a picture maybe? Yeah? - Absolutely.
Sure.
Excuse me, can you do Look alive, Pete.
Come on.
[chuckles.]
- Okay.
- Get right in there.
Hey.
Do you want it, uh, - landscape or portrait? - Susie: Yeah, whatever.
- Whatever takes the longest.
Just - [shutter clicks.]
- Oh, that works.
- [laughs.]
- That works.
That's great.
- Thank you.
Susie: Um, listen, um - if you want to later, um, - Yeah? If you feel like partying a little bit later, - Yeah? - I've got I, uh, I took a couple each way.
Oh, thank you so much.
- Good job.
You're done now.
- Thanks a lot.
- Anyway, yeah - [whispering.]
Absolutely.
- Okay, yeah, okay.
- I'll see you later.
Yeah, I'll see you.
Artie? Do you have something for me? Yeah, a fist.
Let's go.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on, man.
Look alive.
High fives in the back, high fives in the back.
Yeah.
Hey, not you.
You just got here.
Real quick.
You got it.
You guys are the last two.
Good luck with everything, okay? See ya later.
Have a safe drive home.
- You too.
- Okay.
[sighs.]
All: Fuck cancer! Opa! Shoot it! Shoot, shoot! TJ: Yeah! All right, that was pretty good, right? You guys want to do another? Everybody again, "opa" on three.
- One, two, three.
- Group: Opa! That's a good one.
Oh, you guys are great.
[conversation continues indistinctly.]
Excuse me.
Can we settle up? Sorry, what? I'd like to pay you.
Oh.
Uh, yeah.
Yes, please.
Do you have a loan out or should I make it out to you as an individual? It's a loan? Are you incorporated? I'm a Well, I'm a human man.
Fine.
I'll just make it out to you then.
No big deal.
I just gotta grab my stuff, okay? Okay.
Just don't dally.
I won't dally.
We're gonna have a blast.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
- All right.
- See you in a bit.
- Okay.
Artie? Artie, what are you doing? Dude, I don't expect you to understand this, man.
I'm just doin' this, all right? I No.
You asked me to keep you clean.
You said it was my second job.
- [muttering.]
- Come on, what are we doing? And I exonerate you, okay? Okay? I exonerate you.
But look, Albany won.
I'm an addict, and when an addict makes up their mind to do something, they do it.
Albany beat us, man.
No [stammers.]
Hold on, Albany didn't beat us.
It doesn't have to beat us.
We can, uh We can go home.
We'll be We'll be home in three hours.
We can get a a pizza.
We can get a milkshake.
We can go to a nudity booth, whatever you need.
OK.
I'm sure that three hours will fly by.
You can listen to whatever music you want! Okay, listen to me.
As tempting as that sounds, here's the deal: I'm doin' blow with this broad.
You wanna help me, take me to a meeting tomorrow.
- But right now, fuck off.
- Artie, come on.
- You don't - [door closes.]
Hey, uh, Susie, hop in.
Wh Where's Artie? He doesn't want to come out the front.
He'll get mobbed.
I'll take you to him.
All right.
Okay, yeah.
Is it okay if I smoke? Pfft.
Yeah.
Who cares? Fine.
Are you from Albany or Rochester.
[sighs.]
He should be down any minute.
This hotel looks kind of sad.
This is where he's staying? I think he's loyal to the brand.
He likes this chain.
Has a lot of, um, he has a lot of points with them.
Maybe you could text him.
Hm? I don't have his number.
And I don't have a phone.
Oh.
[sighs.]
Artie's not coming.
What? Wh What's going on? I didn't wanna - I had to get you - Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
It's not a power - Don't don't touch me! - I'm trying to help.
- Don't touch me! - Hold on [both screaming.]
Get away from me! - Don't! - Oh, God! [screams.]
Oh, God! - [coughing.]
- Fuck! Oh, fuck, fuck! - Holy shit! - No, no, hold on! I'm not attacking you.
I'm not attacking you.
I just had to keep you away from Artie! - What? - [both heave, cough.]
He's sober.
I promised I would help him.
He's my friend! I couldn't let you corrupt him! This is a kidnapping! - You've kidnapped me! - No! No, no, no! It's a switcheroo.
- It was the old switcheroo.
- [both groan.]
Oh, God.
It's like the Devil came in my eyes.
Oh, that's so gross.
He's the Devil.
He doesn't ask where to where he can cum.
We have to get a towel.
Do you have a towel? Do you have something? I'm sorry, I don't have any wet wipes.
I usually keep wet wipes in my car.
I just ran out.
[both coughing.]
[groans.]
[coughing.]
Sorry about tonight.
I I panicked.
I I don't know what would have happened if you had gone with him, and I [sniffles.]
Oh, my God.
[sighs.]
What is wrong with me? Are you crying or is is this pepper spray? Tonight was my big night out.
Okay? I mean, it was just I got off work.
I took my kids to my sister's house.
I got this fucking spray tan.
It's very nice.
Very believable.
It's just kind of pathetic.
I just I'm kind of a loser.
I just I feel like a piece of shit.
No, no, you're cle You're clearly a lovely person.
It's just it was It was a misunderstanding.
You're literally hiding me from your friend because you think I'm a bad influence.
You're misreading me.
I just He's an addict.
It has nothing to do with you.
Don't let this ruin your night.
It's not that late.
You seem great, we're having fun.
- We we we - Oh, yeah, we're having so much fun.
We were assaulted together by an aerosol contaminant, and I think that's bonded us.
And honestly, I would give you a thousand dollars just to use your sink.
[mellow music playing.]
Hey, uh, name a celebrity.
What do you mean? What? Name any celebrity.
- Uh, um - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Any celebrity? - You name a celebrity, I'll do a three-second impression of that person.
Okay, do Mark Wahlberg.
Hey, how's it going? It's me, Mark.
[both laugh.]
Hey, in Boogie Nights, I had a big ol' dick.
- [laughs.]
- Look at the size of my dick.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
[grunting.]
Nailed it.
You know what? You're funny.
You're so much funnier than that That wordplay shit you do.
Wait.
Have you ever met Howard Stern? Uh, no, actually.
I I just met Artie.
I think he feels bad for me.
I'm going through a bit of a a divorce.
[snorts.]
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
[snorts.]
- [sighs.]
- Mm.
Oh.
Thank you.
I'm really glad you're here.
I'm glad you came in.
I don't think I could have watched another sunrise alone.
- [snorts.]
- Oh.
- [chuckles.]
- Whew! Spicy.
Divorce sucks.
- Tell me about it.
- I know.
But, you know, you know what they say.
The best way to get over a woman is to get under another one.
Yeah.
Uh Mm.
Um [moans.]
Hold hold on.
Hold on one [moaning.]
Hold on.
Please.
- Um, thi I'm on - It's really I'm gonna help you.
You're a lovely woman.
- And I'm honored to be in your home - [moans.]
Hold on.
Just full stop.
Full stop.
What's wrong? It Please stop touching my balls.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
I'm not ready.
What What did you come in for? You were so sad.
I didn't want to leave you on such a low note.
Wait.
Hold on.
Wait.
So you just came in to hang out? I I thought we could relax and I could help you wind down and then I would slip out into the night and you'd go, "Thank you.
Thank you for that kindness.
" I'm sorry, what the fuck are you saying? Hold on, hold on.
Picture Tom Hanks.
- This is what he would do.
- If Tom Hanks were here, he'd be going down on me by now.
Tom Hanks? You just think you just come in here - and and and - Hold on, hold on.
I'm trying to be a gentleman.
I don't want sex.
I just want to make sure you're okay.
You think you're being a gentleman? This is not being a gentleman.
A gentleman does not come into a lady's home at 11 o'clock at night, have a drink, and then not fuck her with his gentleman dick! I'm so sorry.
I thought this was the right thing.
What is wrong with you? You know what? This is not happening.
This is not ha You gotta go.
You seriously have to go.
This was a big misunderstanding.
I thought you would be happy I'm not happy! You make me feel bad! You're making me feel bad! You gotta get the fuck out of here now! - Okay.
- Get out! I'm so sorry.
Thank you thank you for the drink.
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with me? Wanna do another one? - Yeah? Yeah, okay.
- Hey.
Is Artie here? Where Have you seen Artie? - Artie's gone, man.
- What? Where did he go? Where I need to get Artie.
He got in a cab, he said, "Take me home," and he went home.
He's fine.
Don't worry about it.
Take a shot! - Take a shot with us.
- Was he sober? Uh, well, I saw him eat cheese fries as if he might have a food addiction.
But no, he He was not partying.
- Here we go.
- I can't, I'm driving.
Driving where? I drove here.
I'm driving back to the city.
[gasps.]
Where in the city? That's the thing.
I don't have anywhere to stay.
If you drive me to Manhattan, you can crash at my place.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Oh! You forgot these.
Giving you this.
Don't forget that.
[whistles, laughs.]
[whistles.]
[door opens, closes.]
Let's stew it! [burps.]
TJ: This worked out perfectly.
But if I can't swim after 40 days And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves Lift me up so high that I cannot fall Lift me, oh, whoa Lift me up When I'm falling Lift me up I'm weak and I'm dyin' Lift me up I need you to hold me Lift me up Keep me from drowning again Lift me up When I'm falling Lift me up I'm weak and I'm dying Lift me up I need you to hold me Lift me up And keep me from drowning again
[clattering.]
- [jack hammer rattling.]
- [men shouting indistinctly.]
Of course.
- [switch clicks.]
- [exhaust fan whirs, stops.]
[sighs.]
- [water splashing.]
- [distant siren blares.]
[sighs.]
[clinking.]
[playing over PA.]
I don't know how this whole business started Of you thinkin' that I have been untrue [beeping.]
Thirty-one, twenty-five.
But if you think that we'd be better parted Oh, my God.
This is embarrassing.
I I just realized I don't have my wallet.
I was mugged last night.
Sorry.
You may have all of this for free.
Why don't you take a chips and a soda while you're at it? I really kind of customized the plate, you know, like chicken wing, fill-in rice, and that came with It's all personalized.
I don't think you can just put it back.
I mean Yeah, we can.
Hey, Tommy, we have a put-back.
With sauce.
[sighs.]
- [grunts.]
- Oh, God! What the fuck, man? Oh, gee.
I'm sorry.
Why don't you buzz? There's a buzz? Yeah, there's a buzz.
This is an apartment building in New York.
You don't knock.
Nobody knocks.
I I'm sorry, Artie.
[grunts.]
It's a It's a two-key system.
I I didn't know.
What are you doin' up so early anyway? What do you mean? It's after noon.
I mean we slept in.
You see cigarettes around here anywhere? There's cigarettes everywhere.
So, what's your plan? Well, if it's okay, I was just gonna kind of camp out on the couch, maybe - watch a sad movie.
- I understand.
Sometimes when I'm sad, I like to watch sad movies.
You know, seeing somebody else cry kind of helps me get a good cry going.
Well, that's a good idea.
That's a great idea.
I think you should just sit here.
Let me know if you need help crying later.
I'll be happy to help you out with that.
Are you a man or what? Be a man.
What? Forget about it.
Your wife left you.
Oh, big deal.
Suppress those feelings.
That's what a man does.
Keep 'em down.
Keep 'em deep down.
Distract yourself.
That's what men do.
You gotta make money.
You can't have emotions and make money.
Just keep a blank stare on your face, do as you're told, then one day, you have a heart attack.
If you're lucky, you go clean.
"Go clean"? Here's what I gotta do.
I'm going to Albany.
I got a gig.
It's a benefit, but I get paid.
You saying you want me to leave? No, what I'm saying is I need a ride.
I could either pay somebody, or you could drive me to Albany for free, and when we get up there, you do a few minutes up front, on stage.
You want me to open for you? No, I want your car to open for me.
I need a ride to Albany is what I'm tellin' you.
How much time do you want me to do? How long does it take to say, "Here's Artie"? [chuckles.]
You got any CDs in this piece of shit? Yeah.
Whatever you want.
We got we got Oh, here we go.
You got your little CD book.
Yeah, nice little sélection.
Huh.
Paula Poundstone.
She's funny.
What's "Jars of Clay"? That's, uh, that's That's music.
- It's a rock band.
- Oh, yeah? - What do they sing? - It's Christian rock.
- It's probably why you haven't - Oh.
- Come on.
- I can't wait.
Artie, Jars of Clay, people make fun, but they rock, man.
They rock.
It's music with a message.
What's the message, "kill yourself"? Check it out.
- But if I can't swim after 40 days - [singing along.]
- And my mind gets crushed - [singing along.]
All right, let's stop.
Come on, man.
I'm gonna I'm gonna tuck and roll out of the car if you keep that on.
Here.
Poundstone: I'm not keepin' canned goods in my apartment for an earthquake.
If I get trapped beneath a beam for three days, I'm gonna at least lose weight.
[audience laughs.]
How depressing is this place, man? - What are you talking about? - What am I talking about? Look around you.
"Help wanted.
" The sign looks depressed.
I don't know, Artie.
It's nice.
It's fine.
We're on the road.
I'm eating french fries.
I get depressed gettin' up in the morning and I'm a successful comedian.
Imagine getting up and you work here.
You gotta put that apron on.
It's a it's a job.
It's service industry.
- It's a calling.
- I'm sorry.
Looks like an avalanche of the blues.
I don't know if I can do this.
I need your help tonight, man.
What do you mean? I've never been to Albany sober.
You were using the last time you were here? Let me think.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[laughs.]
Listen.
I'm being dead serious.
This is gonna sound odd.
You gotta save my life tonight.
All right? No pressure.
You gotta keep me from gettin' high.
- Okay.
- You think you can do that? - Yeah, of course.
- All right.
Honestly.
It's not easy.
You gotta intercept drugs.
I can do that.
I can intercept.
It not like we're buying drugs either.
People give me drugs.
- I've never done drugs.
- You've never done any drugs? Smoke a little weed, nothing? When I was 10, I went through a phase where I couldn't fall asleep without a Tylenol PM.
Is that phase over? - Yeah, I got through it.
- Oh, that's great.
This diner feels like 2 Broke Girls.
2 Broke Girls, One Cup.
[lively chattering.]
I have this joke about do you think vampires are afraid of lowercase T's.
Do you think that'll work in Albany? I don't think that would work anywhere.
I can't believe I'm back in this fucking shithole, man.
How depressing.
Look at this place.
I can't take this, man.
Hey, you guys need anything? - Let me get a Coke.
- He'll have soda.
- Coke soda.
- Soda.
In the red can, you know? Yeah.
Okay, be right back.
Artie, I'm gonna get a Diet Coke actually.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Yeah, that'll work.
- Yeah.
A Diet, yeah.
Yeah, it's good to be green room.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Hi.
Um, would you mind taking this? Uh, I want to make sure there's no booze in the green room.
It's literally my job to make sure there's booze in the green room.
Uh, sure, um, but Artie is sober, so I don't want to tempt him with alcohol.
You realize he's not the only one on the bill, right? No, we're co-headlining, so we should be doing the same amount of time.
You don't do an hour and I do 30 minutes.
Then I'm just featuring for you.
Let's both do 45 minutes.
Do you really want to do an hour for these schmucks? - Yeah, I do! - Oh, you do? Okay, guess what? I'm doing an hour.
You do 30 minutes.
You're the opener.
Get it? No, I'm not the fucking opener.
- Yes, you are.
- Thank thank you very much, Katie.
- Katie: Sorry.
- Artie, if you were in my position, you would not just do a half an hour and shut up.
Um, sorry.
I'm I'm Pete.
I drove up with Artie.
I'm the opener.
Hey, Pete, hold on one second.
What the fuck, Artie? You brought a opener? I don't think we need to fight.
We can just I'll go up, I'll do just five minutes, I'll bring TJ up.
TJ, is there something you want me to say? Just say my name and Yogi Bear 3D.
They know who I am.
- Right, now, don't touch - You're Yogi Bear? - No, I'm Ranger Jones, okay? - Okay, I'm sorry.
I like that movie.
Justin Timberlake was Boo-Boo.
Look, man, we're co-headlining, okay? I'm doin' an hour, so it's you, then me, and that's it.
Fuck it.
I don't give a shit.
You do whatever time you want.
How does it feel knowing you'll never be as funny as your outfit? You should open and close your hour with that.
I might.
You're making fun of me? You look like you work for a homeless person.
- Uh, well - You interning on Skid Row? What cargo are you carrying in cargo pants? Um, I don't have a style.
Are you carrying nostalgia for the '90s? [loud chattering.]
Artie brought an emcee.
Bring him up.
We gotta start now.
Copy that.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage your first performer of the evening - What's his name? - I don't know.
Here he is! [loud chattering.]
Hey! [scattered applause.]
Hey, Albany, how you doing tonight? Let's give it up for ourselves for coming out! Can we get this on, please? Can we get the mic [louder.]
There we go.
Hey! - Hey! All right! - [cheers, applause.]
Hey! Albany! Uh, thanks for comin' out, everybody, and, uh, for a great cause.
You guys, give it up for Haha's for Tatas.
- That's what tonight is all about.
- [applause.]
I like Albany.
It's all of the "bany.
" It's not some of the "bany.
" I like that.
[chuckles.]
Uh, I'm not racist, but do you think at the very first meeting of the KKK, anyone there pushed for the correct spelling of "klan"? [scattered laughter.]
I like to think there was one guy there, overalls, no shirt, holding a torch, it's just driving him crazy in the back.
Just like "It's K-K-C.
" And then they get him.
[scattered laughter.]
There's no way they're not gonna get him for that.
It's a rare person who hates bad spelling and people who are different.
[scattered laughter.]
Well, okay.
They're not all road-tested.
I love Chinese food.
Do you guys ha You like Chinese food, Albany? [cheers, applause.]
It can be confusing though.
- Like crab ring - Man: Cream of some young guy! [laughter.]
I killed it! Okay.
Well, uh What do you say we keep this going? I, uh - [applause.]
- We'll bring out your next comedian.
- You guys excited? - [cheers.]
Your next comedian coming to the stage was in, uh, all sorts of things.
Transformers 4, uh, he was in Yogi Bear.
Please give it up for TJ Miller, everybody.
- TJ Miller! - [cheering.]
Yeah! Yeah! Hey, great job! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, yeah! I know that I look like a maître d who was fired earlier on in the day that has to finish his shift.
[laughter.]
I have a prescription for marijuana.
- Um - [cheering.]
It's for anxiety.
Primarily, anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana.
[laughter.]
So, it's cleared that right up.
That's true.
You know, there are a lot of people that describe, uh, women with, uh, you know, onomatopoeia.
It'll be like, "Hey, you know, she had tits like bam!" You know what I mean? "Ass like bow!" [laughter.]
But my girlfriend Kate isn't very attractive, um, so I have to be like, "Yeah, she has breasts like meh.
" You know? "Yeah, ass like wah-wah-wah.
" "Ankles like awooga!" Hey, hey.
I'm in the green room.
I - Yeah? Oh, good.
- So what did you think? I mean, it was all right, right? What did I think? You ended with "Well.
" - Artie fucking Lange.
Dude! - Artie: Oh Hey, man.
How you doin'? You gotta take one of these.
I gotta take a drink with Artie fucking Lange.
No, sorry, he doesn't drink, man.
- Salud, right? - Salud.
Baba Booey.
- Baba Booey.
- It's not it's not Hey, what the Whoa.
What the fuck are you doing? Hey, I bought that for him.
You're a good man and a friendly friend.
Thanks for the drink.
He's got a show to do.
- Artie: Sorry.
- Ho! Come on, let's get out of here.
Geez Louise, let's get some chicky-fingies.
You know when you're, like, really drunk and you feel like you're gonna throw up, but you're like, "I bet I can make it to brunch"? I rolled the dice on that.
I lost, okay? As I begin to vomit into the street, I looked across and there was a woman sitting outside, drinking a Starbucks, and I just made eye contact with her as I was vomiting and I held eye contact.
It's a real story.
I was just like [retching.]
.
[retching.]
Did she go to work and she's like, "Oh, my God, I was so ugly today, I made a man vomit"? Thank you very much.
I'm TJ Miller.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Thank you.
TJ Miller, everybody! There goes TJ Miller! - Follow that.
- [scoffs.]
Fuckin' motherfucker.
That was a long one.
You guys, you still have some energy in ya? Well, that's great 'cause it's my honor to bring up the headliner for this show.
Are you guys ready for your headliner? [cheering.]
Let's start clapping right now for the amazing Artie Lange! - My friend Artie "New York" Lange! - [cheering.]
We're raising money for tits tonight.
Uh, I'll do anything for tits, right? Every guy, we'll do it, you know? I fuckin' love tits, man.
I love tits.
Yeah, my whole life is trying to get in shape.
I'm the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine.
[laughter.]
Yeah, I have a weird body makeup.
I, uh, I went to rehab for coke and, uh, one of my counselors was a black guy, and in the middle of group therapy, he said, "What are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?" [laughter.]
- Uh, I thought you did great.
I mean - Oh, thanks, man.
I thought you did pretty good too.
- You watched? - Yeah.
I mean, I thought it was funny that when things weren't working, you would just keep smiling like, you know? You just need to do more sets.
I mean, you need to do at least six or seven sets a week minimum.
Sometimes you just want to go camping or something.
I don't go camping unless I'm going there specifically to get material about camping.
And if you start working harder, maybe I'll take you out on a couple weekends, you can open for me.
That'd be fun.
- Really? - Yeah.
Wow.
I'm actually good, but I'll Cheers.
But I'm not gonna drink.
I just chugged a beer.
Pete, part of being an opener is being a good hang, okay? It's like your second job.
That's how you get ahead.
So, bottoms up.
Here, let's each do a toast.
Comedy.
Six letters, but a thousand reasons it makes the human condition easier.
Cheers.
Now you do one.
Uh, to comedy.
Take a look at your life and then write down some thoughts, memorize them, and then pass them off as something you're saying in the moment for people who are drinking and paid a cover.
Cheers.
You're fuckin' weird.
A guy in Albany got indicted for fucking four of his pets.
- [laughter, groaning.]
- A true story, okay? He told the cops he fucked three dogs and my hand to God, he said he fucked a parrot.
[laughter.]
Let's go through this.
We've all gotten drunk and fucked a dog.
But a parrot? If you're gonna fuck an animal, why fuck the one animal that could tell somebody about it? [laughter.]
Uh, you know what? Dude working the lights, stop flashing the light.
The light means I have to get off stage.
- I'm not getting off yet, all right? - [cheering.]
We just sat through TJ Miller's four-hour fucking marathon.
[cheers, applause.]
Hey.
How are ya? - Did you enjoy yourself? - Yes.
You were amazing.
TJ: All right, here, ready? - Let's stew it! - [cheering.]
I say it's "stew," not "do.
" Let's stew it! So, we should probably make a soup together is what I'm saying.
- Hi.
Oh, my God, you're so amazing.
- Hey.
Can we Can I hug you? I need a hug.
- Absolutely.
- From you.
Hi, I'm Susie.
I can't tell you how much you mean to me.
- I mean, you just are - Aww.
I'm such a big fan.
You've literally made me laugh when I've been on the floor crying.
- And I - Oh, thanks, doll.
I just I love you.
- I really do.
- That's very nice of you to say.
Yeah, do Is it okay - if we take a picture maybe? Yeah? - Absolutely.
Sure.
Excuse me, can you do Look alive, Pete.
Come on.
[chuckles.]
- Okay.
- Get right in there.
Hey.
Do you want it, uh, - landscape or portrait? - Susie: Yeah, whatever.
- Whatever takes the longest.
Just - [shutter clicks.]
- Oh, that works.
- [laughs.]
- That works.
That's great.
- Thank you.
Susie: Um, listen, um - if you want to later, um, - Yeah? If you feel like partying a little bit later, - Yeah? - I've got I, uh, I took a couple each way.
Oh, thank you so much.
- Good job.
You're done now.
- Thanks a lot.
- Anyway, yeah - [whispering.]
Absolutely.
- Okay, yeah, okay.
- I'll see you later.
Yeah, I'll see you.
Artie? Do you have something for me? Yeah, a fist.
Let's go.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on, man.
Look alive.
High fives in the back, high fives in the back.
Yeah.
Hey, not you.
You just got here.
Real quick.
You got it.
You guys are the last two.
Good luck with everything, okay? See ya later.
Have a safe drive home.
- You too.
- Okay.
[sighs.]
All: Fuck cancer! Opa! Shoot it! Shoot, shoot! TJ: Yeah! All right, that was pretty good, right? You guys want to do another? Everybody again, "opa" on three.
- One, two, three.
- Group: Opa! That's a good one.
Oh, you guys are great.
[conversation continues indistinctly.]
Excuse me.
Can we settle up? Sorry, what? I'd like to pay you.
Oh.
Uh, yeah.
Yes, please.
Do you have a loan out or should I make it out to you as an individual? It's a loan? Are you incorporated? I'm a Well, I'm a human man.
Fine.
I'll just make it out to you then.
No big deal.
I just gotta grab my stuff, okay? Okay.
Just don't dally.
I won't dally.
We're gonna have a blast.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
- All right.
- See you in a bit.
- Okay.
Artie? Artie, what are you doing? Dude, I don't expect you to understand this, man.
I'm just doin' this, all right? I No.
You asked me to keep you clean.
You said it was my second job.
- [muttering.]
- Come on, what are we doing? And I exonerate you, okay? Okay? I exonerate you.
But look, Albany won.
I'm an addict, and when an addict makes up their mind to do something, they do it.
Albany beat us, man.
No [stammers.]
Hold on, Albany didn't beat us.
It doesn't have to beat us.
We can, uh We can go home.
We'll be We'll be home in three hours.
We can get a a pizza.
We can get a milkshake.
We can go to a nudity booth, whatever you need.
OK.
I'm sure that three hours will fly by.
You can listen to whatever music you want! Okay, listen to me.
As tempting as that sounds, here's the deal: I'm doin' blow with this broad.
You wanna help me, take me to a meeting tomorrow.
- But right now, fuck off.
- Artie, come on.
- You don't - [door closes.]
Hey, uh, Susie, hop in.
Wh Where's Artie? He doesn't want to come out the front.
He'll get mobbed.
I'll take you to him.
All right.
Okay, yeah.
Is it okay if I smoke? Pfft.
Yeah.
Who cares? Fine.
Are you from Albany or Rochester.
[sighs.]
He should be down any minute.
This hotel looks kind of sad.
This is where he's staying? I think he's loyal to the brand.
He likes this chain.
Has a lot of, um, he has a lot of points with them.
Maybe you could text him.
Hm? I don't have his number.
And I don't have a phone.
Oh.
[sighs.]
Artie's not coming.
What? Wh What's going on? I didn't wanna - I had to get you - Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
It's not a power - Don't don't touch me! - I'm trying to help.
- Don't touch me! - Hold on [both screaming.]
Get away from me! - Don't! - Oh, God! [screams.]
Oh, God! - [coughing.]
- Fuck! Oh, fuck, fuck! - Holy shit! - No, no, hold on! I'm not attacking you.
I'm not attacking you.
I just had to keep you away from Artie! - What? - [both heave, cough.]
He's sober.
I promised I would help him.
He's my friend! I couldn't let you corrupt him! This is a kidnapping! - You've kidnapped me! - No! No, no, no! It's a switcheroo.
- It was the old switcheroo.
- [both groan.]
Oh, God.
It's like the Devil came in my eyes.
Oh, that's so gross.
He's the Devil.
He doesn't ask where to where he can cum.
We have to get a towel.
Do you have a towel? Do you have something? I'm sorry, I don't have any wet wipes.
I usually keep wet wipes in my car.
I just ran out.
[both coughing.]
[groans.]
[coughing.]
Sorry about tonight.
I I panicked.
I I don't know what would have happened if you had gone with him, and I [sniffles.]
Oh, my God.
[sighs.]
What is wrong with me? Are you crying or is is this pepper spray? Tonight was my big night out.
Okay? I mean, it was just I got off work.
I took my kids to my sister's house.
I got this fucking spray tan.
It's very nice.
Very believable.
It's just kind of pathetic.
I just I'm kind of a loser.
I just I feel like a piece of shit.
No, no, you're cle You're clearly a lovely person.
It's just it was It was a misunderstanding.
You're literally hiding me from your friend because you think I'm a bad influence.
You're misreading me.
I just He's an addict.
It has nothing to do with you.
Don't let this ruin your night.
It's not that late.
You seem great, we're having fun.
- We we we - Oh, yeah, we're having so much fun.
We were assaulted together by an aerosol contaminant, and I think that's bonded us.
And honestly, I would give you a thousand dollars just to use your sink.
[mellow music playing.]
Hey, uh, name a celebrity.
What do you mean? What? Name any celebrity.
- Uh, um - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Any celebrity? - You name a celebrity, I'll do a three-second impression of that person.
Okay, do Mark Wahlberg.
Hey, how's it going? It's me, Mark.
[both laugh.]
Hey, in Boogie Nights, I had a big ol' dick.
- [laughs.]
- Look at the size of my dick.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
[grunting.]
Nailed it.
You know what? You're funny.
You're so much funnier than that That wordplay shit you do.
Wait.
Have you ever met Howard Stern? Uh, no, actually.
I I just met Artie.
I think he feels bad for me.
I'm going through a bit of a a divorce.
[snorts.]
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
[snorts.]
- [sighs.]
- Mm.
Oh.
Thank you.
I'm really glad you're here.
I'm glad you came in.
I don't think I could have watched another sunrise alone.
- [snorts.]
- Oh.
- [chuckles.]
- Whew! Spicy.
Divorce sucks.
- Tell me about it.
- I know.
But, you know, you know what they say.
The best way to get over a woman is to get under another one.
Yeah.
Uh Mm.
Um [moans.]
Hold hold on.
Hold on one [moaning.]
Hold on.
Please.
- Um, thi I'm on - It's really I'm gonna help you.
You're a lovely woman.
- And I'm honored to be in your home - [moans.]
Hold on.
Just full stop.
Full stop.
What's wrong? It Please stop touching my balls.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
I'm not ready.
What What did you come in for? You were so sad.
I didn't want to leave you on such a low note.
Wait.
Hold on.
Wait.
So you just came in to hang out? I I thought we could relax and I could help you wind down and then I would slip out into the night and you'd go, "Thank you.
Thank you for that kindness.
" I'm sorry, what the fuck are you saying? Hold on, hold on.
Picture Tom Hanks.
- This is what he would do.
- If Tom Hanks were here, he'd be going down on me by now.
Tom Hanks? You just think you just come in here - and and and - Hold on, hold on.
I'm trying to be a gentleman.
I don't want sex.
I just want to make sure you're okay.
You think you're being a gentleman? This is not being a gentleman.
A gentleman does not come into a lady's home at 11 o'clock at night, have a drink, and then not fuck her with his gentleman dick! I'm so sorry.
I thought this was the right thing.
What is wrong with you? You know what? This is not happening.
This is not ha You gotta go.
You seriously have to go.
This was a big misunderstanding.
I thought you would be happy I'm not happy! You make me feel bad! You're making me feel bad! You gotta get the fuck out of here now! - Okay.
- Get out! I'm so sorry.
Thank you thank you for the drink.
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with me? Wanna do another one? - Yeah? Yeah, okay.
- Hey.
Is Artie here? Where Have you seen Artie? - Artie's gone, man.
- What? Where did he go? Where I need to get Artie.
He got in a cab, he said, "Take me home," and he went home.
He's fine.
Don't worry about it.
Take a shot! - Take a shot with us.
- Was he sober? Uh, well, I saw him eat cheese fries as if he might have a food addiction.
But no, he He was not partying.
- Here we go.
- I can't, I'm driving.
Driving where? I drove here.
I'm driving back to the city.
[gasps.]
Where in the city? That's the thing.
I don't have anywhere to stay.
If you drive me to Manhattan, you can crash at my place.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Oh! You forgot these.
Giving you this.
Don't forget that.
[whistles, laughs.]
[whistles.]
[door opens, closes.]
Let's stew it! [burps.]
TJ: This worked out perfectly.
But if I can't swim after 40 days And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves Lift me up so high that I cannot fall Lift me, oh, whoa Lift me up When I'm falling Lift me up I'm weak and I'm dyin' Lift me up I need you to hold me Lift me up Keep me from drowning again Lift me up When I'm falling Lift me up I'm weak and I'm dying Lift me up I need you to hold me Lift me up And keep me from drowning again