Crawford (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Crawford" (Tires screeching) I'm home, Dad.
Cynthia: The doctor said that he- he might have a few brain misfires as he recovers.
He's saying that he can hear things in the walls.
- Oh.
- No, man.
- Come on.
- You can't, you can't show up here.
Bryce called.
Owen's voice: I could build my cabin and no one could stop me.
Don: Brian, you can't do stuff like this, you're gonna screw up your entire future.
What difference does it make? You can't screw up a bald future.
I hear the scratching, Dad.
We gotta take the babies to the woods, right? You wanna go for a drive, to the woods? (Raccoon chirps) (Sniffs) - Oh my God.
Brian! - What? You're gonna wanna see this! Dad, I found the pipe tobacco! The pipe tobacco mystery's been solved.
Pipe tobacco, huh? Shh! Did you hear that? That was a raccoon.
(Light thuds, raccoon chitters) It's just one.
In the basement.
Oh, no, no, no! I heard that, but I also heard something about pipe tobacco? (Voice): You didn't believe me about the noises in the walls.
Okay, don't change the subject, Dad.
You accused me of stealing your pipe tobacco, and I said no, it wasn't me.
But you insisted, and among our family, you've damaged my reputation, and I have not achieved satisfaction.
- (Voice): Satisfaction? - I feel like what may be in order is a small financial settlement? Let's see, six months of personal damage, deep, deep shame.
How 'bout $50 a month for the shame? (Owen gasps) (Paper rustles) (Voice): Sorry, Brian.
You're all right, old man.
Hey, guys, guys! Guys, I got him! How'd you catch him? I don't know.
He's actually, he's pretty chill, man, he just kinda hopped in the basket, you know? Okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
We're gonna get you some food little fella.
It's cool.
It's all good, it's all good.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
(Radio plays) Higher Do you wanna get higher Bryce: Oh hey, there's Owen.
I'm gonna go say hi.
Bryce, stay in the car (Door shuts) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey Owen! - Bryce: Hey, Owen! - Hey, baby! It's really good to see you again.
Ooh.
(laughs) How was your night, was it good? I see you got a raccoon problem there.
- I have one, you have one.
- Awesome.
So good.
(Laughs) I have your stuff! - (Voice): Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I had some raccoons myself a few years back, so I know how to just walk right away from me, like I'm not even here.
Dan: Marshmallow? Brian: I found it! Yes! (Car door shuts) Bryce, what the hell was that about? Did you see that? It's like, like I'm not even here.
I'm just tryin' to walk up there, meet my girlfriend's husband, and man up.
You know, I like Owen, but he makes it damn clear he doesn't like me.
Bryce, all he's thinkin' about is making his weed butter - not makin' friends.
- No, no, no, no, it's more than that.
He is so cold to me always.
I just wanna be bros.
Bros? Look, Owen doesn't wanna be bros.
I-I don't want you to be bros.
No one wants you guys to be bros.
I wish you would consider my feelings in this.
Yeah.
I do, I do, Bryce, but there's a lot of feelings goin' around.
Also, thanks, but you know I really don't need these U2 lyrics sheets.
There's just too many.
The Joshua Tree laser printouts? Yeah, I don't I don't want them.
Look, let's not things get weird, okay? Bryce, it's all good.
It's all good.
No, it is all good, okay, I'm cool.
- Cool.
- No, it's totally cool.
Thank you for last night, it was so special.
- I'm so happy you stayed.
- It was special, yeah.
Meant a lot to me.
You know, right now I need to go on and have a nice big bowl of cereal, and start my day.
(Kettle beeps, whirs, water pours) Brian, don't eat that stuff! Now what you both should be eating is Shreddies.
Whoever came up with this, deserves a medal.
Seriously, you should just go like almond milk and basic wheat.
You cannot beat the consistency.
It' incredible.
Mom, remember the promise? You promised not to talk about Shreddies.
No Shreddies talks with the family.
But look at you, look at you right now.
You're talking about Shreddies again, okay? No more Shreddie talk.
Relax, Brian.
I'm sorry to get all crazy cereal lady on ya, but uh, this mortgage won't pay itself.
So, you better hope I'm a little cereal crazy.
Guess what they call me at work? The Cereal Killer.
That's cool, but no more Shreddie talk, okay? (Raccoon purrs) Hey big fella.
Are you okay in there? (Raccoon chittering) (Raccoon chittering) The woods.
(Raccoon chittering) No, no, wait, there's plenty of food in the woods.
(Raccoon chittering).
(Raccoon chittering) Hey guys, go easy on that stuff, okay, just (Door shuts) (Footsteps thud) Hey Don, how ya feelin'? Are you okay? Yeah, um Dad, I need the keys to the Scout, I uh you know those raccoons we released in the woods, I have to go get them back.
Don, the raccoons are fine in the woods.
They will not survive out there.
(Voice): I'll go! Woods, woods, woods.
Yes, the woods, Dad.
I'm in a hurry, can I have the key, please? (Keys jingle) (Voice): I want to find a spot for my cabin.
You can come.
You can come to the woods.
Yes, go, old man, go! Mom, there's just one more thing.
Uh, turns out that raccoons they pose a serious danger to cats, so I can't really guarantee the cats safety, 'cause I don't know if I got all the raccoons outta the house.
Cynthia: Sunbeam? Don: Perfect.
- Raisin! Don: Okay, let's go, boys.
Ah, I need marshmallows.
Don't eat all that cookie, Brian.
(Cat meows) (Paper rustles) Shellers, incoming! - Got it.
- Staff: Hi Cynthia! Hi Cynthia! Oh, hey guys! Veronica: Morning! - Why so secretive? - Because the new cereal is due and she has to hide the fact she's got nothing.
Come on.
(Phone rings) Hey guys, I hear there's tapioca pudding in the cafeteria.
Yum! Tapioca! Go get some! - Has Taylor seen this? - No.
You want me to get him? - No.
Iced coffee.
- Sugar? No! (Engine rumbles) (Tires crunch) Don: Hey, that's our fast food garbage.
(Doors shut) (Garbage rustles) (Sighs) (Birds call and chirp) (Garbage rustles) (Birds chirp) Brian, Brian! I need you to stick with Dad, okay? He's still a big wiggy.
I'm gonna go up river, all right? Good! Snap out of it.
(Birds chirping) (Footsteps crunch in foliage) (Door shuts and engine turns) (Engine rumbles) (Coughing) Dad? Domo! Domo arigato! (Bird crows, woodpecker pecks) (Footsteps crunch in foliage) (Sniffs) Honey mustard.
(Water splashes) (Splashing) Is this a big deal, or should we just let it go? You know, it's blocking the emergency exit.
Is that a big deal in the event of a fire? If it's a legit fire concern, we can just save everyone the hassle and take it down now? (Keychain rasps) (Paper crinkles) She's created a beautiful shrine to herself, hasn't she? That's cute.
She has cats in here, that's what's going on.
- I knew I smelled something.
- Disgusting.
- Unauthorized animals.
- Ah.
Guys? WTF? What are you doin', spying on us? - (Shellers scoffs) - Veronica, so bold.
And with new development pitches right around the corner.
Wow Shellers: Great, so now let's move along? Cynthia: Nothing to see here but cereal and awards.
Mostly awards.
Veronica was suggesting to avoid HR about the cats.
There are many people on this floor to consider.
I'm sure you don't wanna bother Taylor with this.
- Taylor! - Oh, Taylor.
Oh wow, goin' straight for the brass, eh Dev? You know what? Actually that's a good idea.
Maybe we should all go to see Taylor right now in his off - Oh, no, we can't do that.
- Oh, why not? Oh, because Taylor has the dirtiest, grimiest, most foul dog in the world.
So if this is about telling me that I can't have a pet in my office, can't go to Taylor, 'cause he runs this whole place, and he has a pet in his office.
Do ya see what I'm sayin'? Yeah, she just summarized that so wonderfully.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I didn't know about it.
Sorry, this is awkward, um, before I asked you to leave, I still mean it, but I don't know how to ask again, it's like kinda weird.
I don't wanna be rude.
(Stomping thuds) - Shell! - That woman's strange.
You have to find out what she's going to pitch for next quarter, Dev.
(Voice): Cynthia, sorry to send you voice messages at work.
I'm in the wilderness and having so much fun.
I have found the perfect spot to build a cabin.
It is magical here.
There is peace here.
(Waves lap gently) (Truck sputters) (Metal scrapes) (Men grunt) Man: One, two, three! (Machine splashes, water bubbles) (Running footsteps crunch in foliage) (Panting) (Coughs) (Panting) (Phone pings) (Engine rumbles, truck squeals to a halt) (Shuts off engine) (Doors open and shut) Man: It's over here.
Over here.
(Phone pings) Brian: Dad? (Foliage rustles) (Emotional) Dad! I found you! (Brian sobbing) (Happy gasp) Dad, you're okay.
(Phone pings) Oh, Dad, I need some water.
I need some water, please.
(Voice): This place is beautiful.
I will build my cabin here.
Man: There they are.
Hey! You the weirdos puttin' hotdogs up all over the place and pourin' marshmallows in the goddamn river? Huh? Brian: We got company.
Who are these meatheads? (Grunts) Man: You stay right there.
I see you! Do not move! Huh? You just stay right there, man.
You just stay right there.
Man 2: Who the hell are you? - I see you.
This is private land.
This is uh, Everley land.
Ancient Everley land, man.
(Voice): Good afternoon.
We are standing on government land.
(Voice): Good afternoon.
We are standing on government land.
(Man laughs) (Voice): I am a shithead.
(Men laugh) Whoa.
Woop! (Men laugh) Sorry dude, here ya go.
Whoop! (Hard landing thud) Brian: Dad! Owen: Oh! Man: You slipped, eh? Brian: Guys, we're in the wrong here, okay.
We're gonna leave.
We're very sorry.
(Man grunts) (Fighting and grunting) - Come on, hold him! - Hit him! (Punching thuds, pained groans) (Shutter clicks) Hey man, you saw what happened, eh? He came at me, we defended ourselves.
- Hey.
- Hey, chill dude! Hey, you're on our property.
You're on our property.
Look dude, we're callin' the cops, dude.
- We're callin' the cops.
- Go! Man: You're on private property, man! (Voice): Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian.
(Brian coughs) Brian: Dad? (Sharp exhale) Why are you on me? You're a huge man.
(Voice): Shhh.
Relax, I am getting help.
(Foliage rustles) (Raccoon chirps) I know you.
You're the mama, right? Where're your babies? Huh? Huh? (Raccoon chitters) Okay, okay.
Come on, hop in the hamper.
(Clicks tongue) - (Raccoon chitters) - Come on now, hop in the hamper.
(Clicks tongue) Come on in.
There you go.
(Raccoon chitters) Hey, where're your babies? Huh? Do you want a marshmallow? (Engine roars loudly) I'm gonna put you right up here with your babies.
Okay, everybody's good.
(Pained grunts) Okay? There they are.
All right.
Boots.
(Voice): Don, Don, Don, Don, Don, Don.
Dad what where have you been? (Voice): I've been texting and texting.
Dad, I got a flip phone, man.
I don't got reception out here.
What the hell happened to Brian? - What is going on? - Take a deep breath.
A deep breath, Brian's okay.
Just a bunch of cowards who have no honour.
Don: You listen to me and you listen really good, okay.
You can't just be following me, around, okay? I've told you this, you stop following me! It gets a little bit psycho.
Psycho? What's the matter with you? Seriously.
Look who you're talkin' to.
Let's start over.
- It's good to see you.
- Mm.
Not about you.
Your father called me.
Okay? (Voice): Those men have beaten my son.
- What? - (Voice): This cannot stand.
What men? (Voice): Just some local tough guys.
We will send them a message tonight.
This cannot stand.
Let it stand! Do you hear yourself, Dad? What you're just gonna make this worse! Why would you get further involved? Why bother? (Voice): When a dog barks at you and you want to scare it away, bark back, but bark back louder, and then nobody gets bit.
We must all swear, can't tell your mother.
- Mom can't know.
- Yeah, yeah, we're gonna - (Shouts) do it live! - Ow! Don: Do it live.
I guess.
Hey guys! Hello? Anybody home? Brian? Yes! (Snaps fingers) (Sighs) (sings) Rockaberry Rockaberry Nice.
(Text message dings) Agh Well (Phone thuds, cereal bag rustles) (Crunches cereal) Don: This is a way safer place for them, in the city.
There's lots of food around here, it'll be way better.
Here we go.
Come on, come on.
(Raccoon chirps) Guys, guys.
(Laughs) Look it, they're all over you, dude.
- Don, do you know what I see? - What? I see a gold mine! Those animal control guys charge big bucks for this kinda stuff.
- Yeah? - Do this! You have a gift with them! You know, Brian, I think I'm probably gonna finish my new record before I get into animal control.
I don't wanna alarm you, but I was in a very influential band, and uh, I think my fans are gonna worry if I'm startin' to relocate raccoons.
Look, whatever man, okay.
Dad needs you to do something.
You speakin' for Dad, now? (Voice): Hello, this is Owen.
Drop two town cars off at my house at dusk.
Do not tell my wife.
When I see the cars, I will pay cash.
(Voice): Manny, relax and breathe.
Focus.
I can't breathe with this mask on.
(Voice): Did we miss the turn-off? No, we didn't miss it, we're just up ahead here, guys.
I'm ready.
I am ready.
(Tires crunch) (Engines cut off) (Doors open and shut) Go! Go! Go! You got it.
- (Lighter sniks) - Ow! - Round back, round back! - Shh! Shhh! Watch your stick! Watch it.
Watch it! Clear.
- Now! - (Generator stops whirring) (Light footsteps thud) - (Voice): Go time! - Okay.
Don: Light it! (Flare ignites) Don: Second flare! - (Flare ignites) - Ooh, geez! Don: Extinguisher! (Camera shutter snaps) Don: Abort! Abort! Abort! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Fire extinguisher whooshes) (Car engine starts, doors shut) (Tires crunch on gravel) (Door opens) (Cars rumble away) Man 2: Man, did you see that? They tried to burn my damn truck! Let's finish the job for them.
- What? - You want a new truck, huh? This guy's gonna get you a new truck.
- Baker, no.
- Yeah, let's burn it.
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