Crossing Swords (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
(CROW CAWING)
Hi, I'm Patrick.
It's my first day.
Oh yeah, you're the guy
who won the squire tournament
by tucking his testicles between his legs.
Not the rep I hoped for.
'Sup, homie?
Broth, what are you doing here?
I get to be a squire too!
Turns out my mom is one‐quarter Viking.
I'm a diversity hire.
Look at all these white assholes.
We're supposed to be training,
but the instructor hasn't shown up yet.
Oh, shit!
First rule of bein' a squire:
Never let down your guard.
What's the second rule?
Rules two through eight are mostly about
who goes first at a four‐way stop,
Secret Santa protocol,
that kind of thing.
It gets good again around number nine.
Line up!
My name is Sergeant Meghan,
and it's my job to polish
you wet turds into diamonds!
I've shed blood on battlefields
from here to the river Styx!
I've burned my own pubes
for a signal fire!
I know how to field dress a man
and use him as a sleeping bag!
Your skin looks cozy as hell.
Thank you?
♪
Fairies! They're so beautiful!
Out in the wild,
you eat what you catch
or you starve.
Wait. You don't mean?
FAIRY: Yahhh!
They key is not to care about them.
Hey, Patrick, come get in on
these tasty wangs!
(MUNCHING)
Um
Oh Whoa!
Oh, hello! I'm Sprinkles!
What's your name?
Um, Patrick?
Patrick? I have a son named Patrick!
Where are you from?
Well
Oh, I live in a well too!
We have so much in common, Patrick!
Ugh, I can't eat you.
Who am I to be the arbiter
of life and death?
Your loss.
I'm fuckin' delicious!
(SCREAMING) It burns!
Because glitter is fairy shit!
(VOMITS) What?
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
Patrick, you just graduated
from the shit list to the shart list.
Prepare to change your clothes.
♪
♪
Your Highness,
the latest poll numbers are in,
and the people are not happy.
What are the walking garbage pails
complaining about this time?
Well, your decision to trade all of
the grain reserves for a handful of beans.
Magic beans.
You planted them
months ago, Sire, and
Have a little faith, Blinkerquartz.
Take me to the sky.
(TWIG SNAPS)
Luckily, I'm the king.
I can't be voted out of office.
Correct! Which means the people's
first and only option
is to revolt and murder you.
(GLASS SHATTERS) (QUEEN SCREAMS)
(QUEEN SHRIEKS)
KING: That is graphic.
On second thought,
let's get those poll numbers up.
(SIGHS)
Excuse me, Your Royal Majesty.
(LAUGHING)
Someone's on Sgt. Meghan's shart list.
I love a good hazing!
Lay it on us.
(GROANS)
Bad bunny, bad bunny, fell down on‐‐.
Like you mean it!
You're a bad bunny.
(LOUDER) Bad bunny, bad bunny,
fell down on his tail.
No carrot cake for Bunny,
'cause he's in bad bunny jail.
Thank you, Patrick,
for thoroughly wasting our time.
(CLEARS THROAT) If we could get back
to the poll numbers, please.
Let's ask bad bunny.
What would you do if you were the King
and wanted everyone to love you?
Well, let's see here, uh,
modernize the sewer system.
Public education.
Uh, ooh, how about a social safety net?
I'm a king, not a genie.
Give me a shortcut.
But shortcuts tend to be
bad and wasteful.
I mean, building statues, starting wars,
parades, public executions‐‐.
Great Caesar's ghost! The kid's right!
We need a public execution!
No, I meant‐‐
To the archives! Follow me!
Well, congratulations, Patrick.
You've just unleashed
a fresh hell on all of us.
KING:
I know it's around here somewhere!
Due east! Halt! Back!
Hmm perfect!
(PANTING) Ah!
A‐ha! Found it!
Did you know Gutenberg's first print job
was a titty mag?
It's true what they say,
every new content platform
is driven by porn.
Okay, let's find the other thing.
Due west!
(PANTING)
Halt!
I drew it as a wee lad:
The world's greatest execution machine!
Um, I'm not sure
this is structurally sound.
That's because you're a dumb‐ass squire
and not the royal architect!
I am the Royal Architect,
and this is unbuildable.
The King wants it by tomorrow.
This is a goddamn fever dream!
How am I supposed to turn this
into a real working machine?
And this part,
it's just a mean limerick about his dad.
Is it supposed to be load‐bearing?
As a special treat,
tomorrow we'll be training somewhere new:
Naked Lady Island.
(ALL CHEERING)
I'm already hard.
Except you, Patrick.
Arrgh!
The King says you're on execution duty.
I'm what?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Sucks to be you, Patrick!
SQUIRE: We'll tell you all about
Naked Lady Island, buddy!
I just might move there permanently!
(BROTH CHEERS)
QUEEN: A death machine?
You know what we're putting to death?
My hair and makeup budget!
That's what!
What happened to the old days
when we'd just stone people to death?
It was such a crowd‐pleaser!
People like to feel included.
That's why we're doing
audience participation.
This kid could win a college scholarship
at halftime.
All I have to do is kick a ball
through that hoop.
That's right, sweetie. A ball.
Here, get used to kicking
something with a face on it.
I'm gonna be educated!
It was my papa's dying wish!
Oh, great.
Her papa was the last guy I executed.
That's haunting.
But perfect segue:
I heard I've been assigned
to the execution tomorrow.
I'm honored
but maybe I'm not the best choice.
Why not?
Okay.
I think the death penalty is, uh, wrong.
Kid, I am so with you.
We can't put every prisoner to death.
Exactly!
An execution is a “sometimes treat.”
Like ice cream, dancing, butt stuff.
Right! Wait.
And that's why I can't execute
some average schmoe tomorrow.
You go down to the dungeons for me
and pick out a real all‐star.
You know, a true shitball.
You want me to decide who dies?
I can't play God!
God'll never know!
God doesn't even know your name!
It's the perfect crime!
WORKERS: (CHANTING)
Watermelon! Watermelon! Watermelon!
(ALL CHEERING)
Stop fucking around!
We have to finish in three hours
and we haven't even started the hot tub!
RUBEN: Holy shit!
The King's finally gonna execute me!
I'm not ready!
I knew I was a huge deal,
but I didn't realize
my life was in danger!
I'm terrified but also so flattered.
Oh, I can see it now:
Adoring fans chanting my name.
Ruben! Ruben! Ruben!
My final words. Everyone staring at me.
Not a dry eye in the house.
Ruben, it sounds like
you want to be executed.
Fuck, Dirk, I don't want to be executed.
I want them to want me to be executed.
It means I've made it!
CORAL: (GASPS)
They're going to execute me!
(SQUAWKS)
You seem unusually okay with it.
Coconut, they'll never catch me.
But do you realize how rare it is
for a woman to get recognized
in this industry?
Is it true?
The squire who couldn't even
eat a delicious fairy
now holds power over life and death?
What are you doing here, Sprinkles?
Do I own you by fairy law now?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.
I'm haunting you till the day you die.
All your friends ate my friends!
I saw my fiancé get eaten
like a fucking corn on the cob!
We just sent out our save‐the‐dates!
We hired a calligrapher,
who was also eaten!
Are you trying to make me cry?
♪
Oh‐ho‐ho! Big commotion at the castle!
Oh, talk of the town!
Hear they're executing
someone pretty important!
Kind of a bigwig.
Everyone wants to blow him.
I wonder who, though.
Ain't been announced yet.
As the flyer guy, I'd be first to know.
My money's on Ruben the Rogue.
No. Never heard of him.
Ruben the Rogue?
Robs people in the forest,
wears a lot of green,
feather in the cap,
real panty‐dropper of a mustache.
Come on, man!
That sounds like Robin Hood.
Fuck Hood. That's because he's been
ripping off Ruben for years!
So, big execution, huh?
My money's on Coral, the pirate queen.
Piss off, Coral!
You don't know shit.
This is my year!
I mean, Ruben's year!
That's crazy talk!
Who do you think is the best
worst criminal, random flyer guy?
Well, if you ask me,
best, worst
it's all a big popularity contest,
ya know?
Just a big execution industry circle jerk
that‐oh, they're gone.
(SQUIRES CHEERING)
Stick together, people!
Jesus!
The itinerary said nude beach.
There was no itinerary.
Guys! I found them!
(INDISTINCT EXCITEMENT)
Hell yeah!
Uh, naked ladies? Hello?!
(HISSING)
Guys, I've never seen
a naked lady before.
Are they supposed to hiss?
(SHRIEKS) (ROARS)
(SCREAMING)
Look, guys! Barry's rock hard!
(LAUGHING)
Broth! Shut the fuck up and run!
(SCREAMING) (HISSING)
(GRUNTS)
Enjoy the teamwork exercise!
(SQUIRES SCREAMING)
(COCONUT SQUAWKING)
Ah! What in the blue hell?
Do they know
I'm in charge of the execution?
Oh no. Everybody's getting them.
PATRICK:
“The sea has never been scarier.”
This seems like
an enormous waste of money.
Hi everybody!
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, I brought lollipops!
Yay!
The bad news is, I need a volunteer
to die.
Anyone wanna take one for the team?
Anyone feeling terminally ill?
Maybe just sad in general?
I'd say we're all sad in general.
(SIGHS)
I guess we're doing this the hard way.
Phillip Smallface? Arsonist?
Let me break it down for you.
If I light a church on fire
and it doesn't rain,
I ask you, is that on me
or is that on Jesus?
Okay. Charles Reinhold,
AKA Chuckster the Huckster.
It says you stole the life savings
of hundreds of grandmas,
meemaws, nanas, abuelitas,
bubbies, babbas, and obaasans.
Yes, I used it to buy a gold yacht
for my underage mistress,
and they both sank
to the bottom of the river.
Yikes. Okay, Engelbert Tinklepaw,
you ate your dad?
I didn't eat him on purpose.
He fell into the barbecue pit.
It was a tragic, but in a certain light,
hilarious mix‐up.
Right. Uh, Pam.
You're a witch? I'm not a witch!
I'm just asking for equal pay
for men and women!
ALL: Witch! Witch!
(SIGHS)
What about this guy over here?
Blarney?! Why are you here?
Hey, Patrick. I couldn't live
under that bridge a second longer, man!
My roommate's a real troll.
He kept posting lies about me on the web.
(GROANS) (LAUGHING)
Mm‐kay. Who did I miss?
What about in here?
♪
What the?
Oh, hi!
Welcome to the Queen's sex dungeon,
AKA the "fun dungeon"!
Now, a couple of ground rules.
The safe word is “S! Xty‐n! Ne.”
But spelled out, capital S,
and the I's are exclamation points.
So, who's the big winner?
(SIGHS) This is my worst nightmare.
Eh. Flip a coin.
I'm gonna take a deep dive
into that “fun dungeon.”
(GIGGLING) Oooo, “fungeon”!
(SQUIRES SCREAMING)
Hang in there, O'Brien!
Ol' buddy, ol' chum!
(ROARING, HISSING)
On the count of three,
I'm gonna be back in my sunroom
drinking sweet tea with my labradoodle.
One, two, three. Ahhh!
Relaxing lounge music plays ♪
Guys, remember,
don't look them in the eye! Shing!
Just stare at their tits.
(GRUNTS)
In this case, it's perfectly appropriate!
(ROARS)
So, what do you do when you're not
slithering around a cave,
murdering emotionally available squires?
(ROARS)
You free later?
How do you feel about pub trivia?
(CHUCKLES) Fun time is over.
Guess it's time to let those idiots out.
♪
I've got to admit, advertising works.
I want them both to die.
We've had an enlightening
two‐and‐a‐half hours with Coral and Ruben.
It's a tragedy
that both of them can't be executed.
We have time for one more question.
This question's for both of you.
What would you say to the King right now
to convince him
you deserve to be executed?
Should I‐‐? Are you‐‐?
Oh. No. Oh.
Oh, did you want to‐‐?
If you can. Okay.
Well, first of all, great question.
I would tell the King to follow his heart.
There's a lot of great criminals
to choose from,
but I've put together a fantastic
body of work that speaks for itself.
No disrespect to Coral‐‐
she's a fine pirate‐,
but I think it's time
for a bandit to be executed.
Forest‐based crime doesn't get
the recognition it deserves.
Uh, actually, what about Robin Hood?
Listen, let me tell you about
fuck‐stick Robin Hood.
Steal from the rich and give to the poor?
He stole my look and gave it to himself!
Let's give our panelists a hand.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
I'll see you in hell.
(CHUCKLING)
Not if I get there first.
Oh, I'll be there first,
and I'll be waiting
with a platter of crudités.
I'll bring my friend Satan,
because he and I will have already bonded
while we were waiting
for your stinky‐ass to show up.
Oof, I gotta boil my fists after that.
Gross.
‐How's it going out here?
Well, I'm down to the “ate his dad” guy
and the “mistress‐drowning
grandma embezzler.”
I'm pretty sure he ate his dad on purpose,
but the evidence was all circumstantial.
Chuckster is open and shut.
Pffft. Come on!
You could throw a dart in here and hit
someone who deserves to be executed.
No one deserves it.
But, as much as it pains me,
I think I gotta choose the Chuckster.
Or do I?
Eh. Good luck with that.
Gotta go be a human strap‐on.
(ZIPPER UNZIPS) (MAN SCREAMS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLES) The most important thing
at an execution:
Don't lose your head!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
It's hard to get ahead nowadays!
(BUNGLES LAUGHING)
You suck, Bungles!
Who me?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) Boooo!
It's Dick Scab Guy from the web!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (FANFARE)
The time has come for justice!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
The time has come
for a favorable impression of the King
in all future public opinion surveys!
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
And stick around as one lucky fan
plays the Halftime Scholarship Challenge!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Now, bring out the condemned!
Chuckster the Huckster!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Come on, that's bullshit!
Ho‐ho! Of course it's a man!
Chuckster the Huckster?
I've never even heard of this guy!
If it couldn't be me,
I wish it was you dying up there.
Oh, thanks, sis.
That means a lot.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I'm sworn to protect the realm,
and that includes convicts, too.
Hope this is the right piece.
Sabotage?
I didn't think you had it in you.
Prisoners are human beings.
Even awful ones like Charles Reinhold.
This murder‐tainment is gross.
If we kill people for our amusement,
then who are we to judge Reinhold?
Maybe I didn't give you
a fair shake, Patrick.
Your heart's in the right place.
I mean, I wish you were dead
instead of everyone I loved,
but you're an okay dude.
AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Death ma‐chine!
Death ma‐chine! Death ma‐chine!
I feel a poll rising!
In your pants? Heh.
Never step on my punchlines.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Charles Reinhold,
AKA Chuckster the Huckster,
you are hereby sentenced to death.
Any last words?
Quite a few. For you see
I'm not “Charles Reinhold.”
I'm
(AUDIENCE GASPING) Robin Hood?!
That's right!
The real Charles Reinhold
drowned on his gold yacht!
I took his place to infiltrate the castle,
and here I am!
Thief! Thief! He stole my look!
Once again, King Merriman,
I have ruined your evil schemes.
Anyone can see this was a stunt
to win the favor of the people.
Try feeding the poor and fixing the roads.
But that's expensive!
And boring!
People don't like stunts.
They like results.
And that's why everyone
needs to look under their chairs!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
They're full of gold coins!
WOMAN 1: Don't kill Robin Hood!
MAN: Robin Hood for president!
WOMAN 2: Fuck me, Robin Hood!
Goddammit, they're turning on me!
‐Little John! Let's bounce!
He seems really popular.
He did win fair and square.
Oh, dear. Arrrgh! (GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING, CRYING OUT)
(SCREAMS) CORAL / RUBEN: Ahhh!
Fuck! That could've been one of us!
In hindsight,
who cares about stupid awards?
(AUDIENCE SCREAMING)
Cheer, people!
Cheer, for God's sake!
It's an execution!
It's supposed to be fun!
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(RELIEVED SIGHING)
Oh, thank Christ.
What's happening?!
I did it! I saved him!
(CREAKING)
Little John! Anybody!
The mercy bolt! It's gone!
"Mercy bolt"?
(COUGHING, GAGGING)
Oh, God! This is so much worse!
I can taste the blade!
Who would design a machine like this?!
Ack!
(AUDIENCE SHRIEKS)
(GASPS)
Patrick, is this a bad time to confess
that Sgt. Meghan didn't find
that fairy field by accident?
I traded her the lives
of my fellow fairies for opium.
What?! (GASPS, GRUNTS)
(METAL CLANGING)
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
WOMAN:
Get a loan like the rest of us!
Feels good to get it off my
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
This could not have gone worse.
It went about how I expected.
What kind of monster built that thing?
The King is a madman!
WOMAN 1:
What if he puts us in the machine?
WOMAN 2:
I think I love the king now!
MAN 1:
I now approve of our psychopathic king!
MAN 2:
We're 100% loyal, your grace!
You know, Your Majesty, some say
it is better to be feared than loved.
Y'know what? I'll take that W.
Patrick
I'm sorry!
Please don't put me in the machine!
Ha! You're hilarious.
We crushed it today!
We did?
Nobody's gonna mess with a king
that puréed a folk hero!
This job's not as black and white
as I thought.
Did I help the kingdom or commit murder?
(AS ROBIN HOOD) “Cheer up, Patrick!
You did a good job!
Here, you win a free hat!”
Thanks.
This was the worst day of my life.
(MAN GROANING)
What happened?!
Naked Lady Island was shit!
Today's lesson:
If you let your guard down for a second,
you end up like Barry.
Barry? We lost Barry?!
I mean, we didn't really lose him.
♪
Does anyone want to switch bunks?
Barry's creepin' me out.
TOBEY:
Oh, stop asking! Just go to sleep!
Patrick, you should've seen her!
Snakes for hair
and built like a brick shit house.
I'm gonna marry that woman.
Jesus Christ, go to sleep.
(BROTH MOANING, GRUNTING)
Oh, my fucking God!
I think I hate being a squire.
BROTH: Patrick, do me a favor
and hiss like a snake for me.
♪
CHILD: That was amazing!