Cybill (1995) s01e02 Episode Script
How Can I Call You My Ex-Husbands If You Won't Go Away?
Before you pass sentence, there's something I'd like to say.
If I'm guilty of a crime, then that crime is loving too much.
Can you understand that? I loved my husband.
More than you'll ever know.
But when I discovered he was cheating on me, I went insane, I just went crazy.
I'm so sorry! Sorry? Madam, you stabbed your husband 37 times.
I know.
I kinda got into it.
- Have you anything else to say? - Yes.
I wish I wish my arm hadn't gotten tired.
Was that OK? That was incredible, just incredible.
- Stan - I'm shaking.
I could try it a different way.
More tears or - That was perfect.
- I don't think there's any question.
Absolutely not.
Cybill, if you want the part, it's yours.
Are you kidding? It's a great part.
Thank you so much.
No, no.
Thank you.
- I'm so excited.
- Congrats! - Report to the set on Wednesday.
- Wednesday.
Great.
They'll shoot the nude scene first.
That's great.
That's so great.
The what? Um Nude scene.
We made a few changes in the script.
Just tinkering, really.
- How nude? - Well, uh We would be safe in saying that breasts would be involved.
Stan? Yes, definitely breasts.
- Is that a problem? - I'm not sure.
I guess not, if it's motivated, not just some kinky shower scene with a sleazy prison guard.
Stan? ? Loving one who loves you ? And then taking that vow ? Nice work if you can get it ? And if you get it ? Won't you tell me how?? Does the warden know you're here? Does the warden know you're here? Does the warden know you're here? And you wonder why I don't invite my friends over.
(Doorbell) I accept this Oscar on behalf of topless women prisoners everywhere.
- Help.
- Jeff, come on in.
Thanks, Cyb.
And thanks for storing all this junk.
- You are my favourite ex-wife.
- And you are one of my ex-husbands.
- That aftershock trashed your condo.
- I managed to save all this.
- I'm so sorry.
- It was time to move anyway.
Bathroom was getting kinda gross.
What She Did For Love.
What's this? A cable movie I was offered.
Woman falls from grace and finds redemption in prison.
Ooh, nude shower scene.
Lesbian or straight? - Straight.
- Oh, too bad.
You amaze me.
Two men grosses you out but two women turns you on.
No, two women intrigue me.
Three women turn me on.
- So you gonna do the movie? - Probably not.
- You've done nude scenes before.
- Jeff, that was 20 years ago.
Things aren't where they used to be.
I don't believe that.
The Pointer Sisters? Let me see.
- Get outta here! - I'll give you an honest opinion.
- It's not like I've never seen 'em.
- It's not like you'll ever see 'em again.
- Bye.
- I brought you something.
- What? - Some old home movies.
- Of you and Rachel as a baby.
- Oh, Jeff.
- I had 'em transferred to videotape.
- That's wonderful.
- Thoughtful, too, don't you think? - Just turn it on.
(Cybill) Oh, my.
Can you believe our baby is gonna have a baby? (Jeff) Time flies.
- She was so beautiful.
- What about you? There's the girl I married.
(Cybill) The girl who could do a nude shower scene.
- We were a happy little family, huh? - Yes, we were.
Hm.
Well, darlin', I'd better go find myself a motel.
- Motel? - Till they uncondemn the condo.
I was thinking about that little place in Burbank under the power lines.
It's not so bad.
Oh, keep the tape.
I want you to have it.
Wait.
I have that little efficiency over the garage.
Why don't you just stay there a few days? - I don't wanna impose.
- It's 20 years since I threw you out.
- We're like old friends.
- You sure? Yeah, I'll get you some blankets and towels.
How about that? It worked! And it would have worked if you'd just asked, too.
105 106 - I keep telling you.
- Shush! - Boob job's easier.
- I'm not listening.
- Boob job's quicker.
- I don't care.
They give you drugs.
I don't even know if I'm doing the movie.
So you're just firming up your bosom for me? - It is the lead.
I could be great.
- Then do it.
- Grandmothers don't do nude scenes.
- Then don't do it.
Course, I could show that mature bodies are beautiful.
- Then do it.
- Maybe.
- Did I tell you I let Jeff move in? - Then don't do it.
- Sorry.
Did we change the subject? - Forget it.
This sounds interesting.
You let your ex-husband move back in? His condo was condemned.
Am I a wonderfully supportive ex-wife or just a schmuck? A wonderfully supportive ex-wife.
Schmuck.
When does ex-husband number two move in? He's not but we are having dinner tonight.
- Shut up.
- I didn't say a word.
You know we meet to talk about Zoey.
Yes, very civilised.
At least I get along with my ex-husbands.
I get along great with Dr Dick! Uh-huh.
How did his Jaguar wind up at the bottom of his pool? Cybill, the man dumped me after 25 years of marriage, without an explanation, and out of the goodness of my heart, I washed his car.
- Getting tired? - Exhausted.
- Boob job.
- No! - Boob job.
- No! - Boob job.
- Stop it! I'm just trying to be helpful.
Steroids? Really, Zoey told me it was a school-sponsored field trip.
- To Tijuana? - I don't know.
Social studies? Ira, wake up.
Our daughter is the Antichrist.
She doesn't play with Barbies any more.
- She plays with minds.
- That's a good line.
- Can I use that in my new book? - A new book? That's great.
- What's it about? - Promise not to laugh? - No.
- The main character's a woman.
I'm writing the entire book from a completely female perspective.
- OK.
- You're being judgmental.
- What'd the marriage counsellor say? - I should leave you.
Before that, about you being judgmental.
Only because you were condescending.
- I wasn't! - You gave me a summer reading list.
- You're right.
I'm sorry.
- What's that supposed to mean? It's more important we communicate than for me to win an argument.
- So I win? - This is not about winning.
- But I do win? Say it.
- All right, you win.
See? I can say that now.
Writing this book, I've discovered a part of myself that is nurturing, a part I've always suppressed, the female part.
Welcome to my world.
If I'd been in touch with it before, I'd have been a better husband.
Ira, that is so enlightened, so unlike you.
These issues got in the way of our relationship.
- Destroyed it.
- Another way to say it.
- A judgmental way.
- You're right.
- So I win? - Nah, I threw you a bone.
Hey, are you in a hurry to get home? - Why? - We could take a drive, talk more.
Go through the canyon in my new "Yes, I'm having a mid-life crisis" sports car.
- I don't know.
Can I drive? - Oh, Cybill.
I'm not sure you can handle a high-performance vehicle with a condescending remark like that I have to let you drive.
- Good save.
- Thank you.
- I didn't order the sorbet.
- It's on me.
OK, OK, I think I've got it now.
This is fifth and this is reverse.
I wish you'd asked me that before you hit 70 miles an hour on the freeway.
- That was scary, wasn't it? - Thank God no one was behind us.
- You're pretty mad, huh? - No, no, I'm fine.
It's only a car.
My priorities are in order.
Beautiful view, how the whole sky's lit up.
Incredible.
I just hope they put out the fire before it reaches Encino.
You know, I really think you should do the movie.
You have beautiful breasts.
- Ira.
- I'm serious.
Actresses have these artificial breasts that are as sexy and inviting as Tupperware bowls with nipples.
- So what do I have, ziplock bags? - No.
You have the real thing.
Nothing can compare with that.
You know, that soft, kinda gentle, pendulous quality.
And only real breasts can nourish a child.
That's a miracle.
They should be exulted not altered, revered not revised.
Are you the man who used to gag whenever I'd lactate? - Come on, Cyb.
I'm trying here.
- I know you are.
- (Gentle music on radio) - Remember this from our wedding? - Our first dance as man and wife.
- Till your mother cut in.
Why don't we finish that dance now? Dance here? - You're crazy.
- No, I'm condescending.
Come on.
- I am changing.
- That waiter seemed to think so.
I'm more patient, understanding.
This last year being alone has forced me to figure out what's important.
? I've got you under my skin - ? I've got? - Ira.
Relax, Cyb.
Let go.
- Ira.
- What? Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Hey! Come back here, right now! - Please.
- Oh, God, Ira.
My Porsche.
My brand-new Porsche.
Remember what you said.
Priorities.
It's just a car.
Oh, please, Cybill.
It's not just a car.
It's a $70,000 penis.
? Don't you know, little fool You never can win?? The police were no help at all.
Because they couldn't spare a helicopter to look for your car? Never there when you need them, but roll through one stop sign, rrrraaaarrr! Neither of us was hurt.
You have insurance.
True, and you probably destroyed the transmission.
That's the spirit.
You know, aside from my car being stolen, and a two-mile walk, I had a great time tonight.
Don't forget outrunning the coyotes.
That was fun, too.
Well, I should go.
Cab's outside.
- Good night.
- Night.
- Whoa! - What? Agh! - He doesn't bite.
- What is that? - That's my dog.
- That's no dog.
I've seen dogs.
That's a very ugly pony.
- What's Jeff doing here? - I'm staying here.
- I was talking to Cybill.
Staying? - For a few days.
- My condo got condemned.
- There's no other housing in LA.
- If you must know - I'll handle this.
She can speak for herself, pal.
- Just take Cujo here and leave.
- Duke, and you leave, Book Boy.
- Book Boy? You leave.
- This is childish.
- You should leave.
- I know who should leave! If I hadn't cheated on her, you wouldn't be here.
That's something to be proud of.
- Huh.
- How about that? - You hungry? I made a pot roast.
- I could eat.
(Dials number, ringing tone) (Man) Hello? Hello? Anybody there? I guess not.
- (Doorbell) - Who is it? - It's Cybill.
- Sorry, the maid quit.
There's no one to let you in.
- Maryann, open this door! - All right, all right.
What's next? Vacuuming? This better be damned important.
You can't be friends with your ex-husbands.
That was mine.
You open your home to them and they bring Dogzilla! - Can I have my drink back? - They start singing and dancing.
- I'm thirsty.
- You mention your breasts.
Next thing you know, somebody rips off their $70,000 penis.
- Maybe I've had enough.
- Did I mention that I kissed Ira? Give me a second.
I'm still stuck on the $70,000 penis.
Who does the appraisal on that sort of thing? You're lucky you and your ex hate each other.
Well, we work at it.
Cybill, darling, let me ask you a question.
- Do you wanna reconcile with Ira? - No.
- Why did you kiss him? - I don't know.
Well, you'd better figure it out.
Why? What are you getting at? I have no idea.
Excuse me.
- Who are you calling? - (Dials number) - (Ringing tone) - (Man) Hello? - It's Rich - Hello? Damn it, who is this? Sounds like he was sleeping.
What a shame.
- That was your ex-husband.
- Was not.
- Was too.
- Was not.
OK, you got me.
? I just called to say I loathe you!? I cannot believe you're making crank calls to Richard.
(Woman) Hello? Hello? Richard, there's no one there.
(Richard) It's some wacko.
Hang up, honey, and come back to bed.
Hello? Maryann? That son of a bitch! - He's with someone.
- We don't know that for sure.
- I'm gonna find out who she is.
- No, you're not.
I bet it's that blonde toad who cleans his teeth.
- You are not going.
- I am! Are you coming with me? - No! - All right! You can watch it on the news.
I'll drive.
Yes, that's right.
11 pizzas with anchovies and garlic, and pineapple.
My name? Dr Richard Thorpe.
She's not coming out.
Can we go now? I know him.
He'll make her answer the door for the pizza guy.
(Phone) Hello? Oh, hello, Richard.
Calling you and hanging up? What kind of a lunatic do you think I am? Actually, I am right now on a date with a very potent man, and you're interrupting.
All right, I accept your apology.
Good night.
I have an early breakfast meeting with my agent.
- Blow it off.
- I can't.
I have to decide if I'm gonna do this movie.
Tell me the truth.
- If I do it, will I humiliate myself? - Of course not.
Give me your honest opinion.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Let's go, Mitzy.
- How very embarrassing for you.
- That's it! We're leaving! - I am not leaving until I see her.
- This is insane.
Your life revolves around your ex-husband, like an invisible rope ties you to him, and it's time to sever it.
Sever it.
I like the sound of that.
You're legally divorced.
You need to be spiritually divorced.
We should have some kind of divorce ceremony, something symbolic.
- Like what? - Come on, Mitzy.
Hello again.
Good girl, Mitzy.
That was a good one.
You did a big doo-doo for Daddy.
Bye.
- Hurry.
- OK.
Run, run! Yes? What the hell? Disgusting! Ugh! I now pronounce you spiritually divorced! Thank you.
That was a beautiful ceremony.
- Where's the reception? - Your house.
Oh, good.
An open bar.
Cybill, judgmental? There was plenty of judging when she found those Polaroids.
- I'm guessing they weren't of her.
- Well, no.
I don't know.
Every time we get along, I make the mistake of speaking.
- Hey, Cyb.
- Hey, Pumpkin.
- What is wrong with this picture? - Jeff and I are just catching up.
- On what? - You know, ex-husband stuff.
Is this the I Married Cybill Club? - We were talking about your movie.
- Sit down.
- You shouldn't do it.
- Definitely not.
- Really? - Jeff makes a very valid argument.
- You have a beautiful figure.
- Very sexy.
But a shower scene in a prison movie? - Even a classy prison movie.
- Sleazy.
- What about Rachel and Zoey? - You're a mom.
Almost a grandma.
So, my ex-husbands have been in my house, making decisions about my life and my body over beer, my beer.
I could easily fly into an unspeakable rage right now.
But I'm not going to.
Nope.
Instead, I'm just gonna take old Duke here for a little walk.
Come on, boy! - You want us to come? - No.
Make yourself at home, kick off your shoes.
And if the doorbell rings, make sure you answer it.
Cybill, you look incredible.
Yeah, just like I remember 'em.
Thanks.
I work hard at it.
- Are you gonna tell them it's a body double? - Are you gonna shut up? Mm.
Rub-a-dub-dub.
I've been waiting for you.
You said you'd do anything to get out of laundry detail.
You have no idea what I'll do.
Here comes the good part.
This is what justified the nude scene for me.
I've got a big surprise for you.
- Shall I close my eyes? - Oh, no.
You're gonna wanna see this.
Surprise! Stop! Stop!
If I'm guilty of a crime, then that crime is loving too much.
Can you understand that? I loved my husband.
More than you'll ever know.
But when I discovered he was cheating on me, I went insane, I just went crazy.
I'm so sorry! Sorry? Madam, you stabbed your husband 37 times.
I know.
I kinda got into it.
- Have you anything else to say? - Yes.
I wish I wish my arm hadn't gotten tired.
Was that OK? That was incredible, just incredible.
- Stan - I'm shaking.
I could try it a different way.
More tears or - That was perfect.
- I don't think there's any question.
Absolutely not.
Cybill, if you want the part, it's yours.
Are you kidding? It's a great part.
Thank you so much.
No, no.
Thank you.
- I'm so excited.
- Congrats! - Report to the set on Wednesday.
- Wednesday.
Great.
They'll shoot the nude scene first.
That's great.
That's so great.
The what? Um Nude scene.
We made a few changes in the script.
Just tinkering, really.
- How nude? - Well, uh We would be safe in saying that breasts would be involved.
Stan? Yes, definitely breasts.
- Is that a problem? - I'm not sure.
I guess not, if it's motivated, not just some kinky shower scene with a sleazy prison guard.
Stan? ? Loving one who loves you ? And then taking that vow ? Nice work if you can get it ? And if you get it ? Won't you tell me how?? Does the warden know you're here? Does the warden know you're here? Does the warden know you're here? And you wonder why I don't invite my friends over.
(Doorbell) I accept this Oscar on behalf of topless women prisoners everywhere.
- Help.
- Jeff, come on in.
Thanks, Cyb.
And thanks for storing all this junk.
- You are my favourite ex-wife.
- And you are one of my ex-husbands.
- That aftershock trashed your condo.
- I managed to save all this.
- I'm so sorry.
- It was time to move anyway.
Bathroom was getting kinda gross.
What She Did For Love.
What's this? A cable movie I was offered.
Woman falls from grace and finds redemption in prison.
Ooh, nude shower scene.
Lesbian or straight? - Straight.
- Oh, too bad.
You amaze me.
Two men grosses you out but two women turns you on.
No, two women intrigue me.
Three women turn me on.
- So you gonna do the movie? - Probably not.
- You've done nude scenes before.
- Jeff, that was 20 years ago.
Things aren't where they used to be.
I don't believe that.
The Pointer Sisters? Let me see.
- Get outta here! - I'll give you an honest opinion.
- It's not like I've never seen 'em.
- It's not like you'll ever see 'em again.
- Bye.
- I brought you something.
- What? - Some old home movies.
- Of you and Rachel as a baby.
- Oh, Jeff.
- I had 'em transferred to videotape.
- That's wonderful.
- Thoughtful, too, don't you think? - Just turn it on.
(Cybill) Oh, my.
Can you believe our baby is gonna have a baby? (Jeff) Time flies.
- She was so beautiful.
- What about you? There's the girl I married.
(Cybill) The girl who could do a nude shower scene.
- We were a happy little family, huh? - Yes, we were.
Hm.
Well, darlin', I'd better go find myself a motel.
- Motel? - Till they uncondemn the condo.
I was thinking about that little place in Burbank under the power lines.
It's not so bad.
Oh, keep the tape.
I want you to have it.
Wait.
I have that little efficiency over the garage.
Why don't you just stay there a few days? - I don't wanna impose.
- It's 20 years since I threw you out.
- We're like old friends.
- You sure? Yeah, I'll get you some blankets and towels.
How about that? It worked! And it would have worked if you'd just asked, too.
105 106 - I keep telling you.
- Shush! - Boob job's easier.
- I'm not listening.
- Boob job's quicker.
- I don't care.
They give you drugs.
I don't even know if I'm doing the movie.
So you're just firming up your bosom for me? - It is the lead.
I could be great.
- Then do it.
- Grandmothers don't do nude scenes.
- Then don't do it.
Course, I could show that mature bodies are beautiful.
- Then do it.
- Maybe.
- Did I tell you I let Jeff move in? - Then don't do it.
- Sorry.
Did we change the subject? - Forget it.
This sounds interesting.
You let your ex-husband move back in? His condo was condemned.
Am I a wonderfully supportive ex-wife or just a schmuck? A wonderfully supportive ex-wife.
Schmuck.
When does ex-husband number two move in? He's not but we are having dinner tonight.
- Shut up.
- I didn't say a word.
You know we meet to talk about Zoey.
Yes, very civilised.
At least I get along with my ex-husbands.
I get along great with Dr Dick! Uh-huh.
How did his Jaguar wind up at the bottom of his pool? Cybill, the man dumped me after 25 years of marriage, without an explanation, and out of the goodness of my heart, I washed his car.
- Getting tired? - Exhausted.
- Boob job.
- No! - Boob job.
- No! - Boob job.
- Stop it! I'm just trying to be helpful.
Steroids? Really, Zoey told me it was a school-sponsored field trip.
- To Tijuana? - I don't know.
Social studies? Ira, wake up.
Our daughter is the Antichrist.
She doesn't play with Barbies any more.
- She plays with minds.
- That's a good line.
- Can I use that in my new book? - A new book? That's great.
- What's it about? - Promise not to laugh? - No.
- The main character's a woman.
I'm writing the entire book from a completely female perspective.
- OK.
- You're being judgmental.
- What'd the marriage counsellor say? - I should leave you.
Before that, about you being judgmental.
Only because you were condescending.
- I wasn't! - You gave me a summer reading list.
- You're right.
I'm sorry.
- What's that supposed to mean? It's more important we communicate than for me to win an argument.
- So I win? - This is not about winning.
- But I do win? Say it.
- All right, you win.
See? I can say that now.
Writing this book, I've discovered a part of myself that is nurturing, a part I've always suppressed, the female part.
Welcome to my world.
If I'd been in touch with it before, I'd have been a better husband.
Ira, that is so enlightened, so unlike you.
These issues got in the way of our relationship.
- Destroyed it.
- Another way to say it.
- A judgmental way.
- You're right.
- So I win? - Nah, I threw you a bone.
Hey, are you in a hurry to get home? - Why? - We could take a drive, talk more.
Go through the canyon in my new "Yes, I'm having a mid-life crisis" sports car.
- I don't know.
Can I drive? - Oh, Cybill.
I'm not sure you can handle a high-performance vehicle with a condescending remark like that I have to let you drive.
- Good save.
- Thank you.
- I didn't order the sorbet.
- It's on me.
OK, OK, I think I've got it now.
This is fifth and this is reverse.
I wish you'd asked me that before you hit 70 miles an hour on the freeway.
- That was scary, wasn't it? - Thank God no one was behind us.
- You're pretty mad, huh? - No, no, I'm fine.
It's only a car.
My priorities are in order.
Beautiful view, how the whole sky's lit up.
Incredible.
I just hope they put out the fire before it reaches Encino.
You know, I really think you should do the movie.
You have beautiful breasts.
- Ira.
- I'm serious.
Actresses have these artificial breasts that are as sexy and inviting as Tupperware bowls with nipples.
- So what do I have, ziplock bags? - No.
You have the real thing.
Nothing can compare with that.
You know, that soft, kinda gentle, pendulous quality.
And only real breasts can nourish a child.
That's a miracle.
They should be exulted not altered, revered not revised.
Are you the man who used to gag whenever I'd lactate? - Come on, Cyb.
I'm trying here.
- I know you are.
- (Gentle music on radio) - Remember this from our wedding? - Our first dance as man and wife.
- Till your mother cut in.
Why don't we finish that dance now? Dance here? - You're crazy.
- No, I'm condescending.
Come on.
- I am changing.
- That waiter seemed to think so.
I'm more patient, understanding.
This last year being alone has forced me to figure out what's important.
? I've got you under my skin - ? I've got? - Ira.
Relax, Cyb.
Let go.
- Ira.
- What? Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Hey! Come back here, right now! - Please.
- Oh, God, Ira.
My Porsche.
My brand-new Porsche.
Remember what you said.
Priorities.
It's just a car.
Oh, please, Cybill.
It's not just a car.
It's a $70,000 penis.
? Don't you know, little fool You never can win?? The police were no help at all.
Because they couldn't spare a helicopter to look for your car? Never there when you need them, but roll through one stop sign, rrrraaaarrr! Neither of us was hurt.
You have insurance.
True, and you probably destroyed the transmission.
That's the spirit.
You know, aside from my car being stolen, and a two-mile walk, I had a great time tonight.
Don't forget outrunning the coyotes.
That was fun, too.
Well, I should go.
Cab's outside.
- Good night.
- Night.
- Whoa! - What? Agh! - He doesn't bite.
- What is that? - That's my dog.
- That's no dog.
I've seen dogs.
That's a very ugly pony.
- What's Jeff doing here? - I'm staying here.
- I was talking to Cybill.
Staying? - For a few days.
- My condo got condemned.
- There's no other housing in LA.
- If you must know - I'll handle this.
She can speak for herself, pal.
- Just take Cujo here and leave.
- Duke, and you leave, Book Boy.
- Book Boy? You leave.
- This is childish.
- You should leave.
- I know who should leave! If I hadn't cheated on her, you wouldn't be here.
That's something to be proud of.
- Huh.
- How about that? - You hungry? I made a pot roast.
- I could eat.
(Dials number, ringing tone) (Man) Hello? Hello? Anybody there? I guess not.
- (Doorbell) - Who is it? - It's Cybill.
- Sorry, the maid quit.
There's no one to let you in.
- Maryann, open this door! - All right, all right.
What's next? Vacuuming? This better be damned important.
You can't be friends with your ex-husbands.
That was mine.
You open your home to them and they bring Dogzilla! - Can I have my drink back? - They start singing and dancing.
- I'm thirsty.
- You mention your breasts.
Next thing you know, somebody rips off their $70,000 penis.
- Maybe I've had enough.
- Did I mention that I kissed Ira? Give me a second.
I'm still stuck on the $70,000 penis.
Who does the appraisal on that sort of thing? You're lucky you and your ex hate each other.
Well, we work at it.
Cybill, darling, let me ask you a question.
- Do you wanna reconcile with Ira? - No.
- Why did you kiss him? - I don't know.
Well, you'd better figure it out.
Why? What are you getting at? I have no idea.
Excuse me.
- Who are you calling? - (Dials number) - (Ringing tone) - (Man) Hello? - It's Rich - Hello? Damn it, who is this? Sounds like he was sleeping.
What a shame.
- That was your ex-husband.
- Was not.
- Was too.
- Was not.
OK, you got me.
? I just called to say I loathe you!? I cannot believe you're making crank calls to Richard.
(Woman) Hello? Hello? Richard, there's no one there.
(Richard) It's some wacko.
Hang up, honey, and come back to bed.
Hello? Maryann? That son of a bitch! - He's with someone.
- We don't know that for sure.
- I'm gonna find out who she is.
- No, you're not.
I bet it's that blonde toad who cleans his teeth.
- You are not going.
- I am! Are you coming with me? - No! - All right! You can watch it on the news.
I'll drive.
Yes, that's right.
11 pizzas with anchovies and garlic, and pineapple.
My name? Dr Richard Thorpe.
She's not coming out.
Can we go now? I know him.
He'll make her answer the door for the pizza guy.
(Phone) Hello? Oh, hello, Richard.
Calling you and hanging up? What kind of a lunatic do you think I am? Actually, I am right now on a date with a very potent man, and you're interrupting.
All right, I accept your apology.
Good night.
I have an early breakfast meeting with my agent.
- Blow it off.
- I can't.
I have to decide if I'm gonna do this movie.
Tell me the truth.
- If I do it, will I humiliate myself? - Of course not.
Give me your honest opinion.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Let's go, Mitzy.
- How very embarrassing for you.
- That's it! We're leaving! - I am not leaving until I see her.
- This is insane.
Your life revolves around your ex-husband, like an invisible rope ties you to him, and it's time to sever it.
Sever it.
I like the sound of that.
You're legally divorced.
You need to be spiritually divorced.
We should have some kind of divorce ceremony, something symbolic.
- Like what? - Come on, Mitzy.
Hello again.
Good girl, Mitzy.
That was a good one.
You did a big doo-doo for Daddy.
Bye.
- Hurry.
- OK.
Run, run! Yes? What the hell? Disgusting! Ugh! I now pronounce you spiritually divorced! Thank you.
That was a beautiful ceremony.
- Where's the reception? - Your house.
Oh, good.
An open bar.
Cybill, judgmental? There was plenty of judging when she found those Polaroids.
- I'm guessing they weren't of her.
- Well, no.
I don't know.
Every time we get along, I make the mistake of speaking.
- Hey, Cyb.
- Hey, Pumpkin.
- What is wrong with this picture? - Jeff and I are just catching up.
- On what? - You know, ex-husband stuff.
Is this the I Married Cybill Club? - We were talking about your movie.
- Sit down.
- You shouldn't do it.
- Definitely not.
- Really? - Jeff makes a very valid argument.
- You have a beautiful figure.
- Very sexy.
But a shower scene in a prison movie? - Even a classy prison movie.
- Sleazy.
- What about Rachel and Zoey? - You're a mom.
Almost a grandma.
So, my ex-husbands have been in my house, making decisions about my life and my body over beer, my beer.
I could easily fly into an unspeakable rage right now.
But I'm not going to.
Nope.
Instead, I'm just gonna take old Duke here for a little walk.
Come on, boy! - You want us to come? - No.
Make yourself at home, kick off your shoes.
And if the doorbell rings, make sure you answer it.
Cybill, you look incredible.
Yeah, just like I remember 'em.
Thanks.
I work hard at it.
- Are you gonna tell them it's a body double? - Are you gonna shut up? Mm.
Rub-a-dub-dub.
I've been waiting for you.
You said you'd do anything to get out of laundry detail.
You have no idea what I'll do.
Here comes the good part.
This is what justified the nude scene for me.
I've got a big surprise for you.
- Shall I close my eyes? - Oh, no.
You're gonna wanna see this.
Surprise! Stop! Stop!