Dad Stop Embarrassing Me! (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

[Willie grunting]
Pops, you're 100 years old,
you still don't know how to tie your tie?
Boy, shut up.
I usually wear a clip-on
but I used that to hold my joint,
now I can't find the damn thing.
[vocalizing]
Uh, what exactly is going on?
It is Hotlanta. Why you got that wrap on?
[in gruff voice] Today's the day I'm doing
my big solo at church.
Gotta make sure my voice is warmed up.
Why you talking like that?
You sound like Louis Armstrong.
[riffs in a gruff voice]
Oh, yeah ♪
Morning, everybody.
I know today's your big day, Chelsea,
so I stopped by the store to get you
a few things to help you coat your throat.
- What is it?
- I brought you what Carrie Underwood uses
before every concert.
Lemon, honey, cayenne pepper
and a small vial of saliva
from a Brazilian tree frog.
[clears throat] I don't want that.
Uh-uh-uh! Why are you in your pajamas
when we're getting ready for church?
Yeah, about that.
I think I'mma pass on church this week.
I don't know where
you're getting all this from.
I'mma tell you right now. Everybody under
[all]
this roof goes to church.
Yeah, everybody but me,
'cause I don't really believe in God.
[all exclaiming]
- Daddy! Dad, don't go into the light!
- Pops! Pops!
Did the baby say something
about the devil?
[Willie breathing heavily] All right
What're you talking about?
You don't believe in God?
Come on, Dad.
There are so many different religions.
I mean, how can you believe
that yours is the only one
that can get you into heaven?
- What?
- You guys don't seriously believe
in an old white guy living up in the sky
wearing a toga, do you?
I got an old Black man with
a white beard living in my pool house.
- What's up?
- You better watch your tone
and hold her down.
- I'm about throw this holy water!
- [exclaiming]
Pops, that's tap water.
Tap water. Spring water. Holy water.
I don't care.
We gotta wash this devil outta her.
I gotta put this holy water on me,
I believe she got the Devil on me.
Sasha, do I need to
check your temperature?
Since when don't you believe in God?
Since preachers started making more
than basketball players.
Now the question is,
why do you all believe in God?
Uh Uh Uh
Pops, you go first.
Uh
I, uh
Wait a minute.
I believe I can fly.
Shit, I can't say that.
I ain't gotta explain my faith to you.
You see?
None of you can give me one good reason
as to why I should go to church.
Plus, I haven't been in a while.
I know you haven't been in a while,
but Black people
We Black people,
and Black-associated people
we go to church.
And you ain't been
till you've been to this church.
Well, what kind of Black church is it?
Is it a megachurch/concert/churchella?
No. It's intimate.
- Oh, hallelujah.
- It's personal.
- It's
- Church, God damn it!
We can laugh, we can hang
But don't embarrass me ♪
Please don't say the wrong thing
Dad, don't embarrass me again ♪
We can dance, we can joke
But don't embarrass me ♪
Don't embarrass me
Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪
I know that you mean well
But don't be so foul ♪
When I'm hangin' with my friends
Please don't be actin' wild ♪
Dad, don't you embarrass me ♪
And now, starting at preacher,
a six-foot evangelist
like you've never seen before
- Amen.
- introducing your preacher,
Reverend Sweet Tee!
[all cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[all] Pray!
[all] Pray!
Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!
- [all] Amen!
First of all, I liked
yellin' honor to God
- [all] Amen.
- and to Jesus.
- Yes, I know him. I know him. I know him.
- [scattered cheering]
To my people ♪
To my flock ♪
To the money ♪
Don't let it stop ♪
- To the window ♪
- Window ♪
To the wall ♪
Till the sweat drop down my balls ♪
Good God almighty!
- It's a tough job.
- [deacon] Yes!
Bringing you the bread of Jesus Christ
is a tough job,
but somebody has got to do it!
[all agreeing indistinctly]
[upbeat music playing]
Hallelujah!
[unintelligible]
- Preach on, Preacher. Yeah. Amen.
- Mmm! Eye contact.
Now, I heard there was a videotape
running around with me at the strip club.
- But I was there for the chicken, Deacon.
- You sure were.
Lou Williams was there
for the lemon pepper,
and I was there for the WAP!
That's right. The wap-ba-ba-loobop wings!
Say that.
That's why I was on my knees.
I was kneeling onstage
so the WAP sauce wouldn't get on my pants.
Because we don't need WAP sauce
on your pants.
- Say that with me. WAP sauce
- [all] "WAP sauce"
- on your pants!
- "on your pants!"
That's why some of my choir has fled
and some of my flock
has gone to another nest.
He must be talking about Cheech and Thongs
over there on Peachtree.
Mmm-hmm.
- Best breasts in town.
- Pops!
- Hey, I'm talking about the chicken.
- Mmm-hmm.
[chuckles]
- And what're you doing?
- Watching the reverend on Worldstar.
- He got a million views.
- [scoffs]
- [Reverend Sweet Tee] It's gon' be hot!
- [mumbles]
The Spirit has shown me that there's
someone here who has questions.
This holistic flower
that is sitting here with her phone.
I was alerted to you. Why don't you
come on up and speak to the church?
[indistinct murmurs]
[sighs]
I want you to know
that you are in good hands
because this is the greatest house
ever built.
I think this is the greatest hustle
on Earth.
[all exclaim]
- What're you doin'?
- Lord have mercy.
Let the little heathen speak.
Say what you gotta say.
I'm just saying that
this whole church thing is a scam,
and all y'all seem to care about
is cold, hard cash.
That's not true.
We take Cash App, we take Venmo,
we take Foot Locker gift cards.
Glory to God.
And as the good book of Sam Jackson asked,
"What's in your wallet?"
A hundred dollars!
I see what's going on here.
This child here needs her spirituality
chin-checked.
[all agreeing indistinctly]
And the only way to do that
is to sing the devil out of her bones.
As I look into my flock,
I see my favorite chicken.
Chelsea, come on up.
Come on up and cluck for Jesus.
Amen.
Cluck for Jesus. Cluck for Jesus!
Listen, I want you to sing
from your heart.
And she sings better than
the step-cousin of Mahalia Jackson.
Let the Lord use you, Chelsea.
[all] Amen!
[clears throat]
[sings off-key]
Oh, Lord.
[clears throat] I got it. I got it.
[sings off-key]
- Mmm!
- Lord.
Sometimes God giveth,
this time God taketh her voice away.
[Sasha] See? I told y'all
church was whack.
Sasha, you need to stop
talking about church like that.
It's just blasphemous.
Dad, come on.
I mean, they even have a church app.
Here's a list of different preachers
that charge a monthly subscription.
Yo, check this guy out.
Reverend Chucky Change.
Reverend Chucky Change
has a question for you.
Now, does it make sense for me
to travel in that metal tube
with all them demons?
Or does it make more sense
for me to fly like a free bird
in the friendly skies of God
in my brand-new Wait for it, Mama.
G Not three, not four,
but five.
[hesitating] He needs a private jet
so he can get the prayers
closer to heaven.
Wow, they have really brainwashed you.
They have not brainwashed me.
It is about Jesus.
Well, my Jesus is yoga.
Oh!
Pops, don't pass out.
I mean, come on. Yoga is, like, where
I find my spirituality, my salvation.
[speaking Sanskrit]
Your salvation?
Has this yoga ever parted the Red Seas
or led the Jews out of Egypt?
Has your yoga ever hung
on a cross on Friday,
rose on Sunday
and then had Easter bunnies?
There are no Easter bunnies in the Bible.
There were two on the ark,
Roger and Jessica.
Come on, Dad.
Yoga really helps me
work through some stuff.
I went to church.
Why can't y'all try yoga?
Didn't you say you wanted us to bond more?
Damn it.
I hate it when she uses
my words against me.
But you know what?
I am the daddy in this situation,
and I'll be damned
if I go to some hot yoga.
So this is it.
I'll see you guys inside.
I don't know how I let this girl talk me
into coming into this whack-ass yoga.
- Because you're weak, boy.
- Then why are you here?
I'll give you two reasons.
Hello, ladies.
Y'all need help
stretching out your third eye?
Namaskar, yogis.
Today, we're grounding
through the root chakra.
We're gonna be one with Mother Earth.
Muladhara, opening up the chakras.
All we have is here and now.
The present moment.
And I sense so many angels in this room.
[whispers] See? She said "angels."
What about Jesus?
In the next 60 minutes, yogis, your body
is going to be going through a lot.
We're going to be releasing
the restrictions of society.
It's perfectly normal
if you have to deflate.
In fact Oh! I just deflated.
[grunts]
Sasha,
did you just deflate?
No!
My bad. Them curly fries were kicking.
Can you guys please just be quiet?
[softly] Fine.
[groans]
What are you talking about?
How can you say that?
Tupac is definitely better than Biggie.
Are you crazy?
Biggie made big dudes sexy.
Yeah? Well, Tupac made a hologram sexy.
Great!
Now Aunt Chelsea and Johnny are here.
There goes my chance
of quietly working through some things.
At least no one knows they're with me.
Hey, Sash, you got room over there
for your aunty?
Oh, Lord!
See, she does believe in God.
Hey, hey! Sasha, hey.
Uh, when is your next yoga class?
I was thinkin' I'd rengay through.
[chuckles nervously] Please don't.
No, I've been working on my new
I call it the cat-cow pose.
[screeches]
Suck in! [screeches]
Release.
[meows]
[sighs] This is delicate.
How do you tell your dad
that he's an embarrassment
and you never
want him at yoga class again?
[meows]
Dad, you're an embarrassment
and I never want you at yoga class again.
Whoa, what's that all about?
- I was doing you a favor. Yeah.
- [scoffs] Me a favor?
How is humiliating me a favor?
Humiliating? What are you talking about?
We were there to support you.
That's what families do. We support.
Well, we look like that family
from Black-ish, only broke-ish.
Face it. You don't care
about anything that's important to me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sash, wait a minute.
Where's this coming from?
What do you want me to do?
I want you to let me do me.
You can do the whole church thing
and I'll do my yoga thing.
You know,
Mom used to let me be a free spirit.
Listen, Sash, I don't know
where all this is coming from,
but stretching in a hot room
is not going to bring your mom back.
Well, neither is church.
[Brian] What?
What was that all about?
I have no idea.
I think she's having a hard time
with her mom being gone. I don't know.
It took you a while
to get over your mom passing.
Yeah, but when my mom passed,
I would go to church
because it would give me comfort.
And now she says
she doesn't believe in God.
I can't let these Black neighbors
know she don't believe in God.
Brian, if you lost
your mom at such a young age,
you probably wouldn't either.
Yeah.
Look, sometimes it's that very same
heartache that leads you to God.
It's simple.
She has got to go through it to get to it.
I'm gonna say this.
One day,
you are going to make a great mom.
Oh.
Well, I got to make a great wife first.
[gasps] Oh! Sasha. Namaste.
Class doesn't start
for another 15 minutes.
Yeah, I'm a little bit early.
- Just needed some time to think.
- Okay.
Wait, my family isn't here, right?
None of them are present at this time.
I sense a lot of red in your aura.
I'm okay.
You know, we hold
a lot of emotions in our hips.
As our goddess Shakira
would say, our hips don't lie.
Why don't we do
some hip openers and talk about it?
Well, it's just I'm not really
into the whole church thing.
And my dad's trying to make me believe in
something that doesn't make sense to me.
- You mean like God?
- Yeah.
I did not believe in God
until I met my pastor.
My dad's pastor
is not the normal pastor, okay?
He's
I really don't know how to describe him.
I guess you just have
to see him to believe it.
Namaste!
Namaste, Pastor.
[Reverend Sweet Tee] Mmm Mmm Mmm!
Wait, Reverend Sweet Tee?
You two know each other?
Of course, this is my little
- Yogi Bear.
- Yogi Bear.
[both growl]
- [scoffs] Y'all can't be serious.
- [Reverend Sweet Tee] Yeah.
- Am I being punk'd?
- No.
Reverend Sweet Tee, you do yoga?
I've been doing yoga 'cause
my lower back is givin' me problems.
Get some Reiki going.
Ever since I fell off stage
at the Essence Festival.
I just didn't think yoga and church mix.
Of course they do.
Yoga and Jesus go hand in hand.
In fact, I'm teaching
a hot yoga class with prayer on Tuesdays.
Mmm-hmm, that's my favorite class.
You've got to understand,
it don't matter
if it's yoga or if it's God.
It don't matter if you're church-hopping,
club-hopping or IHOP-ing.
Just as long as you keep God first.
It worked for Cardi B.
Okurrr.
It's all about The Notorious G.O.D.
- Godastamaste.
- Godastamaste.
Wow.
I think I get it.
Well, why don't we get
into downward doggy style?
- Shall we?
- Yes.
And let me get my mat.
It's all about the money,
and ain't a Holy Spirit funny.
Wait a minute, Pops, you look sharp.
Where'd you get that suit?
This is part of Bishop T.D. Jakes'
Heavenly Collection.
[Brian] Hmm!
[both chuckle]
[hesitates] Well, hey, Sash.
- How you doing?
- Hey.
- Ah, that's right, church on Sundays.
- [Brian] Yeah.
I know you guys want me to go,
so I'll go get dressed.
No. You're good.
Don't you have to go to yoga?
[both] Om.
Well, not until, like, after 3:00.
Let's go now so we can
get some cinnamon rolls on the way!
Oh, you guys are gonna get cinnamon rolls?
You know, I like cinnamon rolls.
Don't they have a Cinnabon
next to your little yoga spot?
Yeah, but it's not the same.
We'll bring you back one.
It might be a little stale.
But at least you can't say
we didn't bring you nothing.
It'll only take me a couple of minutes.
Nah. You know,
it's just more blessings for us, you know.
I hope that reverend
doesn't keep us there all day,
'cause I made reservations
at the HomeTown Buffet.
That picked-over
bread pudding is to die for.
The bread pudding is spiritual.
- Ama-taste-aste.
- Ama-taste-aste.
Om.
Hey, Sasha.
Did your family leave already?
I was hoping to catch a ride
because Reverend Sweet Tee
charges $25 for parking.
Yeah, they just left.
If you hurry, you can catch 'em.
Oh, okay. Well Hey, are you okay?
How come you didn't go to church?
- I don't really want to talk about it.
- Hey, you can talk to me.
I just don't understand
why God would take my mom away.
Oh
Oh, honey,
I know why it would feel like that.
Oh, here, sit.
It's just, we used to go
to church every Sunday,
and I thought that if I prayed
sincerely, I'd get what I needed.
So then when my mom got sick,
I prayed for her to get better.
God didn't answer my prayer.
So that's why I think
church is all a scam.
Let me ask you something.
You sometimes hear
your mom speaking to you?
- [shakily] Yes.
- Yes.
That voice in your head,
comforting you when you're down?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's God, honey.
It's a blessing
to be able to hear that voice.
And that's why people go to church.
Like your family.
It helps them stay connected.
I just wish I had more time with my mom.
I know. I know, babe.
But this is time for you
to cherish with your father.
And as much pork as he eats,
he won't be around that long.
I'm joking. You know.
You know what, Stacy?
I think you're right.
- Thank you. I really appreciate the talk.
- It's what I'm here for.
Now, why don't you throw on some clothes
and we'll grab breakfast, huh?
Can we get cinnamon rolls?
Ooh! Yes, I know just the place.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
I appreciate the charitable givers
because we have
reached our financial goals.
- Hallelujah!
- [all] Hallelujah!
Except for them stankin'-ass
Johnson sisters.
Yes, I said "ass."
Because they say "ass" in the Bible.
The question is
Why can't I? ♪
Why can't I have a 375-foot yacht? ♪
Why can't I? ♪
Why can't I? ♪
Why can't I have a yacht? ♪
Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- It's Sunday.
The family goes
to church on Sundays, right?
[Reverend Sweet Tee] Because God
is an honorable God
I'm glad you came.
I'm happy you came, too.
I'd be even happier if you told me
you got a pastry in there.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Mmm-hmm.
- Won't He do it?
- [Reverend Sweet Tee] Yes, He will.
And I want to let you know something,
brother, I am free from my diabetes.
Save me half of that.
I understand we have someone
here today who's lost a loved one.
And I want to let you know
something right now,
that the God I serve,
He may not come when you want Him,
but, congregation, He's what? He's
[all]
always right on time.
This beautiful young flower,
please come forward.
Listen
You spoke in this church a few days ago,
and you rattled some of these members
with what you said,
but I feel like something's
on your heart today.
Speak from your heart, flower.
I just want to say that I had a lot
of deep feelings and confusion
when God took my mom.
[shakily] But I just want to say thank you
to all of you
and my family for embracing me
so that I could continue
to hear that voice [sniffles]
that's spiritual and from God.
Amen.
[Reverend Sweet Tee crying]
That touched me. It touched me.
I'm Myst I'm Mystikal,
right after he got out of prison.
My retinas are flooded.
I could do all the preaching in the world,
but not today,
because music heals the soul.
We have my smothered chicken
in here today.
Chelsea, come forward
and let us hear some of the music,
because music heals the soul.
Come on, sister.
Uh, last week, the Devil
had stricken her larynx.
But today, I want her to sing
because I know about the King.
Not just the King, James LeBron,
but the King on high.
[all] Amen.
I love you.
Sing from your heart, Chels-esus.
- Yeah.
- Amen.
Before you start, before you start,
I've been told, I've been told
- that the family, right?
- [deacon] Yeah.
The family's here
and they would like to come up.
Come on up.
Take me to the King ♪
Truth is I'm tired ♪
Options are few ♪
Stace [clears throat] I don't know
what you said to Sasha, but
I want to thank you for whatever it was.
Hey.
I can handle a lot of things.
You know, I know that
you are an employee of mine,
but I wanna let you know
that you're more than that.
You're family.
But where are you? ♪
Brian, thank you.
Means a lot to me.
One touch will change my life ♪
Take me to the King ♪
I don't have much to bring ♪
My heart is torn in pieces ♪
[both mouthing]
It's my offering ♪
Take me to the King ♪