Danger 5 (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

- Corporal Detroit.
- Yeah.
Think you can get in close enough to that pillbox to lob in this grenade? - I'll do my darnedest, Sarge.
- Attaboy, Detroit.
Godspeed.
And remember, we all love you like a lover.
Aaargghh! Sonofabitch, he made it! Aaargghh! Aaargghh! May god have mercy on us all.
Mail delivery.
Ilsa, a letter from your dad.
The latest issue of Real Man, Jackson.
Sensible Chuckle Monthly, Tucker.
Hey.
Hey Oh, and this came for you, Pierre.
Hey, subscribing to the Afro-Cuban Rhythm Club was the best decision I ever made.
The syncopated joys that await! Ugh, aw Hey! How dare you sneak up on me with that improvisational gibberish, Pierre! Apologies, my friend, I thought you might appreciate the latest tastings from the Afro-Cuban Rhythm Club.
Appreciate? If you ever play that again, in my presence, Pierre, I'll kill you.
All right, let's get straight to the biscuits.
At 0800 hours this morning an American soldier was eaten by a Nazi dinosaur.
That's a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
No, Claire, that's a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Try thinking first before you open your mouth.
Now, Nazi dinosaurs are popping up all over Europe.
Your mission: find out where Hitler is getting these things from and put a stop to it.
Oh yes, and of course, kill Hitler.
It just came out of nowhere! I don't know what What? What is it, man? It's It's as big as a house! Get out of here.
Aaaargh! Run! Hey, leave her alone! There's still time.
Yeah.
Fire! Looks like he showed up for the open inspection, but he must have lost his head over the price.
That's not funny.
Hmmm.
Hmmm.
These stitches look fresh.
What the hell is that? The crystals I removed from the Pterodon and the Tyrannus have distinct psycho-active properties, which would suggest this is how the Nazis are controlling the dinosaurs.
Let's find out where they come from.
Hey, wouldn't it be great if the crystals came from somewhere exotic? Like Acapulco! Then we would have to go there It would be a blast! Hey, Tucker, wouldn't that be great, my friend? Hey? According to this, the crystals could have only come from Antarctica.
Wow We've travelled back in time! No, we haven't, you cretin.
These ice walls, they must have sheltered this plateau from environmental changes over the last 65 million years.
We're going to need fire and food.
Who wants to come and hunt? Anyone anyone at all.
Right I see.
I hope you know how to hunt, Pierre.
I won't let you down, my friend! Jackson llsa? Hello? My God! - You're nude.
- Hot spring, Claire.
Nature's jacuzzi! Get in! Hmm, might not.
You've never been naked in front of anyone before? Of course I have Does my uncle count? I don't see how it will Oooh! That's right, now take it off! This is as far as it goes! Oh! I don't think he'll bother you lovely ladies any further.
- Who you callin' lady? - Who are you? What are you doing out here? The name is Felk, Professor Johan Felk of the international league of science-mongers.
I am a scientist, a man of science.
I've been practising science on this plateau for nearly ten years along with my noble manservant Kiko.
You'll stay in my compound tonight.
You seem to need a dry bed to lay your head and some hearty goulash inside you.
The rest of our party are out looking for food.
Ilsa, can you try and contact them? Yes, the dense cloud here seems to scramble most radio systems.
I have a working one at the base, you can contact them there later.
- I don't know - Ah Tucker and Pierre can find their own goulash.
Fine.
Splendid! Kiko, take their bags.
We don't have any bags.
Then take my bags.
I think we can all agree that was an interstellar goulash.
Having no crystal doesn't allow you to fool around in front of the guests you brainless dinosaur.
- Now for a nightcap? - No, thank you.
I think we should try and contact the others, then get some rest.
Yes, come through to the radio room.
I'll go see that your rooms are ready.
It's not plugged in! My God! It's a German plug! What you want from us, Shaman woman? You thirst for knowledge, traveller.
I shall let you drink from the font of my wisdom.
Ugh, ugh The one they call Mengele has been enslaving my sisters, making them battle in his perverted death matches.
We are too few in number to overcome Mengele's lizard forces.
However, our mortal enemies, the Ape Men, have been stealing weapons from Mengele.
We need you to convince the Ape Men to help us destroy this great evil.
No.
No.
We men.
We must stay on mission, not help ladies.
What did she tell you through her knowledge tube? As you deny us your help, the almighty Shiba will decide your fate.
Who's Shiba? Just some voodoo nonsense, you wouldn't know about it.
That's Shiba? First Shiba will mate then she will feast! We help! Good morning, Miss Claire, you have woken just in time to see the games.
What is this, Felk? Actually, it's Mengele, Josef Mengele.
The Reich's scientist extraordinaire.
You're a monster! Minions! Today I give to you the newest additions to my gallery of superior gladiators.
I present to you King Zaro! And Michael Ten! As usual, we have our resident challengers: the savage native women of the plateau! And as a special treat for you today, may I present - the Allied dogs, llsa and Jackson! Let the battle commence! It looks like you got more than you bargained for with Jackson and llsa.
The spirit of Michael Ten will live on! Your friends were lucky.
You have no more mutants left for them to fight, you may as well pardon them.
Oh, I'll pardon them.
I'll pardon them each in the face with my gun.
Wait! Don't! Tell me something, Claire.
Has a man ever taken you? That is to say has anyone clambered up your tree and feasted upon the supple fruits of womanhood? Because something tells me the fruit is ripe but the tree is yet to be harvested.
What are you talking about? Are you suggesting I'm a That I would be That's ridiculous! Shy eyes, come-hither attitude buried under a ton of ice.
You've got "unspoiled property" written all over you, Claire.
- And I plan to claim my stake.
- You're vile.
In exchange I'll spare your friends' lives.
Sounds like a tidy bargain to me.
All right.
Outstanding.
Let us begin.
I have a selection of pleasure enhancers that might tickle your fancy.
Why must you pester me now? What? Oh, hello, mein Fuehrer.
Yes, yes Indeed, everything is ready for your visit tomorrow.
I promise you'll be very impressed with operations down here Very well, see you tomorrow, mein Fuehrer.
Alchopromazine Sleeping serum! Don't you know the best way to deliver Alchopromazine is by syringe? You audacious little slut.
You'll pay for that.
Or rather your friends are going to pay! I'll save that cherry for after the show.
Leave the talking to me.
Excuse me Okay, thank you, that was Paradigm Shift.
Okay, guys, how about we hitch the hook onto a church major? More of a A-A-B-B-A-A structure.
No third, though.
- I said, excuse me! - Okay, stack the four.
Seventeen-to-one cadence and second-to-the-major triad.
Excuse me! - We're mixin' up the medicine here! - Yes, pardon me but Hey, guy where do you get off? Is this customer getting up in your program, Donald? Yeah, I'm trying to process some musical meat here and this guy totally derailed my groove.
- I think we should pop him.
- Yeah, let's pop him.
Thank you, my friends, I call that Wednesday with Arthur.
Nice, nice, nice.
That was very nice, yeah.
- Tasty.
- You know what? This guy's okay.
What about this gaucho.
Huh? Can he play? Oh, him Yeah, he plays.
He can shoot hoops on the elbow horn like no one else.
Right.
Well, I guess you're okay too, guy but only cos your buddy here is vouching for you.
So, what are you guys doing around these parts anyway? We are here to kill Josef Mengele.
That fat cat science schmuck with all the lizards? He ain't so bad.
On the outside maybe, but Josef Mengele is a cog in an organisation that is slowly wrapping its hands around the globe.
You know one of the first things they do in this new world order? We don't wanna start no war.
They are going to put music in a camp.
It's time we take this Mengele guy down from C minor to B diminished.
And stack the four! - Yeah! - Yeah! As long as this is intact, any organism with a crystal implant is completely under our control.
Ah, yes Mein Fuehrer, would you be interested in a bit of sport before you leave? Mein Fuehrer, this is my girlfriend Claire Have you met before? I cannot thank you enough for fighting with us.
At last the divide has ended.
Ah, yeah.
Whatever, guy.
This door's gonna need a lot of dynamite.
Why didn't you say you could play an instrument? I didn't think someone like you would be into that kind of thing.
Seeing you up there hit those baby skins It was an inspiration! What do you say, when we get back to base you put on some of that Billy Gibberish and the Bibawhack Yak - and tell me what it's all about? - It's a date, my friend.
Hey, don't you think that's too much dynamite? Hey, guy! Nobody knows dynamite like Dynamite Adams.
Lizard minions! Today is a great day, for the mighty Fuehrer graces us with his presence! Onward to final victory! To honour the presence of the majestic Fuehrer, I have arranged a special battle.
- The Allied dog, Jackson! - Where the hell is llsa? And as a special treat for you today, I have created a most formidable opponent.
Through the wonders of science, she is under my power! I present to you - llsa! - What? - No! May the battle commence! Hey, llsa, we're not What the hell's gotten into you? Blow it, Dynamite.
Maybe that was too much.
- The volcano is erupting! - Ilsa! This isn't my fault! Claire! Are you okay? Hitler's getting away! After him! Donald, look out! Ohh That bullet went right in at C sharp and went out at E minor third.
Ugh! Hold on, my friend! One part dark rum, one scoop of vanilla ice cream, fill with creaming soda, finish with raisins.
The perfect Carlos Sultana.
Noooooo! You're right, we're not.
Jackson? Get off me, you crazy tramp! There's always something in your head! If only I'd had the nerve to sleep with Mengele he wouldn't have put that thing in your head.
You did the right thing, Claire.
You should save it for someone special.
Well that someone special would have to put something special on this finger first.
Try that on for size.
Huh? Ugh Whether it's a birthday, bar mitzvah or just one of those special moments, the Mazzerucci utility guitar is the perfect gift for any occasion.
Mazzerucci utility guitar, save it for someone special.
Allied air support surrounding China have been dropping like flies.
It seems the Japanese have developed a new and unstoppable kind of super soldier.
The only problem is, Japan has completely disappeared.
Capture one of these super soldiers and find out what makes them work.
Then find the new location of Japan.
The Nazis are no doubt involved so, as always, your main objective - kill Hitler.