Darby and Joan (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

Hey, what the hell?
- You were driving too fast.
- Well, if you knew how to drive.
No point getting in a snit.
I'm not in a snit. What is a snit?
I'm going that way. Rawson Ridge.
Help! Help!
Clinical nurse manager. Retired.
Detective sergeant. Retired.
- You look like a cop.
- You look like a nurse.
Middle of nowhere,
and somebody's been bloody murdered.
You know who it is.
What did you say your friend's name was?
- Again?
- Ian.
I'm at our favourite tapas bar,
but I'll be home soon, just
one more thing I gotta do.
So what did your Ian get
up to in Osprey Falls?
I've no idea.
Mm. Don't leave me.
Mm.
Why don't you stay?
You could always come with me.
What, and sit around in the
sun watching you scraping about,
collecting those
batholiths or coccoliths,
or whatever they're called?
- Rocks.
- Hm. No, thanks.
You'll come back soon, though?
Where's my cup of tea?
- Come on, where's my cup of tea?
- Mm. Coming up.
Can you hear me? You're dropping out.
You're dropping out. Can you hear me?
What about now?
Can you hear me?
It's a Land Cruiser, you can't miss it.
It's the one on its roof.
Now, just get the thing,
will ya, and just tow it
to that address I gave
you in Sunny Hills.
No, it wasn't an act
of God, it was the act
of a mad English woman, now just tow
the bloody truck, thanks.
In England we call that insurance fraud.
- Good morning!
- You were at fault.
- You alright?
- I didn't sleep very well.
Well, why'd you get out of bed?
Because some extremely
inconsiderate person was
jumping about on my roof.
- And yelling!
- Inconsiderate?
I was just trying to get the car
that you totalled back on the road.
Why don't you go back to sleep?
I'll drive you to Osprey Falls.
- Why would you wanna do that?
- Nothing better to do.
Well, try not to roll it this time.
Yes, ma'am.
Right.
Seven-one-eight.
You alright, mate? Off we go.
- Mate.
- My God, it speaks.
Yeah, I know. Owe you a call.
Yeah. From two years ago.
- Can't be that long, surely?
- Alright, listen.
You wouldn't happen to
be in the neighbourhood?
Why, what's up?
Nah, nothing.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
I'll call in anyway.
I'm just, uh, I'm just up the road.
Thanks, mate.
Looks like we're making a detour.
Are they bananas?
Oh, th-that's on the fritz.
You are 582 kilometres
from your destina
Oh, look what I got you. A lamington.
- What?
- You'll love it.
It's a little cake. Very Australian.
A 200-mile detour for a cake?
Well, don't I deserve an explanation?
Mate rang. He's in trouble.
- What kind of trouble?
- Oh, you know.
Trouble.
He didn't sound right to me.
You know, and 200 miles
is nothing out here,
just a couple of hours.
Back home we'd be in
another country by now.
So what are you doing in Australia?
- Safer places to holiday.
- No kidding.
I get run off the road,
witness to a murder,
and then I get carjacked
by some oversexed pensioner.
Retiree.
Osprey Falls will still be there.
I need to help a mate.
That's what mates are for.
Oi! Look at you, moneybags.
Travelling in style?
Oh, no, I'm the one with the good taste.
Joan, meet Declan Kemp.
Banana baron of the Central Highlands.
Pleased to meet you.
- Good to see you, mate.
- You, too.
- What's this?
- Ah.
Fell off the quad. Bit of a story.
Is that you, Jack Darby?
- Felicity Anne Kemp.
- Dec didn't say you were coming.
Why didn't you say?
And you've brought a friend.
Hi. I'm Felicity. Call me Flick.
Joan. Platonic travel companion.
I see.
Well, come in, come in!
Uh, I might, uh, take
Jack down the shed.
Show him the scene of the crime.
- What crime's that?
- Won't be long.
Welcome to Australia.
Where the men take off
and talk about manly things
and leave the little
ladies to talk crochet.
Oh, I couldn't crochet to save my life.
Thank heavens for that.
I don't suppose you know
anything about colic?
Ah, now that I can help you with.
Joan's nice, eh? You and her
Gave me a lift. That's the end of it.
How many guns did they take?
Uh, two under-and-over shotties,
a .243, a .308 and a couple of .22s.
Starting a private army?
And a Savage.
It was Ollie's.
Quite like to get that one back.
Carved his initials into the butt.
Yeah.
What did the local coppers say?
That's why I called you.
They weren't registered.
Dec, for a smart man, you
could go to jail for this.
Yeah, I know. I know. It was stupid.
And if one of them shoots someone?
Alright. Let's assume they
haven't gone to Sydney.
- Suspects?
- One of the pickers.
Maybe. I don't know.
One of the pickers.
Well, as good a place to start as any.
Uh, yeah.
Good girl. That's it. Oh-ho.
I have never seen beer for colic before.
I think it must be a rumour
the English horses have
started because they like lager.
- So, where to?
- Mm?
If you're giving Jack a lift, where to?
- I'm not really sure.
- Oh. Classic Jack.
- You don't approve of him.
- Ah, I like Jack.
I even fancied him a
bit when he was younger.
He was a bit gorgeous.
But I wouldn't wanna be married to him.
No, obviously.
My sister was a Mrs.
Darby a few wives back.
How many times has he been married?
Two. Three. T-two-and-a-half, I suppose.
But he was always so
cagey. Never ever opened up.
Must be a police thing.
No. I'm pretty sure it's a man thing.
- They're emotional cowards.
- Mine included.
She give you the third-degree?
No, it was very pleasant,
we talked about crochet.
How was the crime scene?
He had a swag of guns stolen.
Oh, I love how you say that so casually.
Most people have friends
who have drinking problems
or osteoporosis, but, no,
your mate's a gunrunner.
Wasn't like that. All
farmers have guns out here.
Call the police. I
mean, the real police.
Declan's been through
some stuff. Felicity, too.
I wanna save them anymore grief.
Alright, but when we get arrested,
you're paying the bail.
What are you doing?
The Ute was coming from that direction.
Forced Declan off the track here.
He takes a tumble, and then
they lay into him over here.
- What are you doing?
- Recording evidence.
That's what you do, isn't it?
Well, the tracks aren't very distinct.
And probably got bald tires.
- A-ha!
- What?
Now we know they were
wearing work boots.
That's what those are, isn't it?
Well, you don't need to thank me.
Good day.
That looks like thirsty work.
We're looking into
the robbery yesterday.
Boss thought you lot
might've, uh, seen something?
That would be right, blame
it on the scum backpackers.
- That's not what I said.
- Sure it is. Now bugger off.
Well, that told you.
You can do better?
- Excuse me.
- I've got work to do.
You think the world's got it in for you
'cause you came from Possilpark.
I love Glasgow. One of my
best friends is a Weegie.
I'm Joan.
Chantelle.
I don't want any
trouble. I need this job.
The boss thinks we're
rubbish. It's not fair.
- Declan? He seems lovely.
- Lovely enough to run over.
Did you see anything?
Pays to mind your own
business around here.
What a bonnie wee lass.
Where was Tanner last night?
I'm not his keeper. He's an adult.
In years, maybe.
Wow, look at this!
- I hope you're hungry.
- Mm, looks lovely.
- How was your ride?
- We saw where you came off.
- Looked nasty.
- You could've been killed, Dec.
To tell you the truth,
it's all a bit of a blur.
Help yourselves.
I'll get the antipasto platter.
Oh. Let me come and help you.
They were organized, these thieves.
- Knew you wouldn't be home.
- Well
The world knew I'd be up
at the growers' meeting.
I'm president of the association.
But not that you'd be home early, huh?
And you weren't at home, either?
No.
But I changed my Pilates
class at the last minute.
There's no one who
could have known that.
You didn't tell anyone?
Who am I going to tell out here?
Well, look what the cat dragged in.
Uncle Jack! When did you get here?
Got in this morning. How are you, mate?
Uh, what's all this, I didn't know
they allowed hipsters in Queensland.
This is Joan. She's my chauffeur.
Oh, don't listen to him.
I like your beard. Very Che Guevara.
Joan, this is Tanner, our youngest.
Hi, how are you?
So I suppose you heard about the guns?
Shame you weren't here.
Yeah, I was just down
at the pub. We all were.
- You and the pickers?
- Yeah.
We met some of them.
That Chantelle, she's got spirit.
Was she there?
- Yeah, I I think she
- She'd be a permanent fixture.
Who else knows your routine?
Cal Horrigan. Lives up the road.
It's not the Horrigans, Dad.
They already got more
guns than the army.
He's got a white Ute.
- And he watches us like hawks.
- I wonder why.
- It's ancient history.
- It's not that ancient.
Alright, I've had some words with Cal.
- And I might have started it.
- You had words?
But Sam has no shame!
It's the anniversary of Ollie tomorrow.
What was Ollie like?
Beautiful kid. Bloody
tragic car accident.
Seems like a lot of tension.
Cal?
- Cal Horrigan?
- Oi, Dad.
I was enjoying that.
We're looking into an incident
at Declan Kemp's place.
Did you or, um Sam, isn't it?
We're wondering whether you saw
anything suspicious yesterday.
His Lordship sent you, did he?
Still pointing fingers? Typical.
He gets tuned up and
reckon it's gotta be
one of them low-life Horrigans.
Who said anything about tuning up?
- Good news travels fast.
- Good news?
It wasn't us, you tell Declan.
What happened to Ollie
could have happened to Sam.
What was that about?
Sam was in the car the night Ollie died.
- Sam made it, Ollie didn't.
- Oh.
Declan reckons it was Sam's fault,
and he can't let go of it.
Plenty of tread.
In case you were wondering.
Oh, this is quaint.
Shall we go for the tour?
- Enjoy the tour?
- Where do I buy the T-shirt?
- Check out the ag store.
- Ag?
Agriculture shop. They have everything.
Oh. And what are you going to do?
Errands.
Yeah. Me, too.
If you need help, I'll come with you.
I don't think I need help
buying a postcard.
Alright. Good. I'll see you at the pub.
Okay.
Watch and weep, sucker!
Oh!
You keep dreaming. You
got no game, Frogger.
Oh, well, at least
it's the right way up.
Done your bit for the local economy.
- My first Blunnies.
- Congratulations.
Now you're an honorary Australian.
And look. Same tread
as our thieves. See?
- Identical.
- This is Queensland.
Blunnies are like cane
toads. Everyone's got 'em.
- But not Chantelle.
- Good detective work.
- Narrowing down the suspects.
- Oh, don't be so patronizing.
Just 'cause I'm actually
trying to do something
instead of sitting around
texting a harem of ex-wives.
There's no harem. Just the two ex-wives.
I thought it was two-and-a-half.
Felicity, huh?
Are you half-married, half-hearted
or simply half-witted?
After you finish my beer,
can you order me a salad?
Two-hundred for a quarter
and a couple of pills?
This weed is the ultimate
weed. Worth every cent.
And the pills? Blow your mind.
Don't mind me, boys.
- What have you got?
- You're a cop.
Long time ago. Well out of it now.
- You still look like a cop.
- Come here.
If a bloke was after
some second-hand items,
who would he talk to?
What sort of items?
Shooter. For rabbits.
- Hate paperwork.
- I might know someone.
Peace offering.
Still didn't see anything.
Used to be good at this. Rubbish now.
Well, let's see what you've got.
But you do the break.
Beginner's luck.
Someone fancies you.
Yeah? Shame.
Aw, that's good, though, isn't it?
Too bad.
What is your issue with Declan?
It wasn't me who stole
the guns, alright?
I was Zooming with my ma.
Check my computer history.
Not so rubbish, then?
A whole afternoon
Zooming with your mum.
You must be very close.
She's a heat-seeking missile
for men who can't be trusted.
Ah. You're not supporting
her while you're out here?
Best I can, but it's
serious money this time.
- Don't say nothing.
- No, of course not.
Your boyfriend's kinda
old-man hot, but fully shinty.
- Shinty?
- Means shifty.
Oh. Well, he's not my
boyfriend, actually.
But you're right, he is fully shinty.
Chantelle and Tanner are an item.
- She tell you that?
- No. Didn't need to.
Gone the Queensland
classic, eh? Reef and beef.
Who hides oysters in a steak?
Ugh. I should've read
the menu more closely.
Instead of going through my pockets.
How long ago was your heart attack?
Did you have the full
bypass, all of that?
- It's private.
- Okay.
- Every man has his secrets.
- You're telling me.
Like this husband of yours, Ian.
What's the story there?
Run off with a newer model?
No.
Believe me, it's not worth chasing.
Just forget him and move on.
He died.
I'm sorry.
He said he was going to Spain,
and then he turns up dead in Australia.
So forgive me if I'm a little paranoid
about men and their secrets.
Why was he here?
All I know is he was
going to Osprey Falls.
Seeing death as the end of life
is like seeing the horizon
as the end of the ocean.
Seeing death as the end of life
is like seeing the horizon
as the end of the ocean.
Seeing death as the end
You stupid bloody idiot.
What were you doing?
- How did you sleep?
- Well, I missed my swag.
And waking up with a
dog licking my face.
Sounds romantic. You staying long?
Depends if we find the guns.
And then that'll be it for
another two years, I suppose?
Bit harsh.
We haven't seen you
since the funeral, Jack.
Dec could have used someone to talk to.
Yeah, I wanted to. I did.
All you had to do was
drop by and grunt a bit
about cricket or fishing,
make him feel like
someone wanted to listen.
I wasn't in a fit state to help anyone.
Liz told us about the operation.
I was surprised to hear you had a heart.
- Yeah, alright.
- She's doing well.
Better off without me.
Thanks for giving Joan
the heads-up about my exes.
You care about what she thinks.
Not quite the platonic
travel buddy, then.
Huh. You're bloody hopeless.
Oh, so I'm not the only one.
The whole world thinks you're hopeless.
Sounds like you're outnumbered, mate.
Morning, love.
- Sleep well?
- No complaints.
Flick tell you about the car?
Well, the other day when I
was driving out to Pilates,
I saw a car up on the road.
The bonnet was up, looked
like it was broken down.
Recognise the driver?
No, he had a cap pulled over his eyes.
Maybe someone's watching us.
Maybe.
Oh. They did a proper job on that.
- Yeah.
- Sorry to interrupt.
I was looking for a refill for Diesel.
Alright. Uh, tap's over there.
Ah, so you, uh, you a Hindu
or a Buddhist or something?
Not really.
I was just trying a Buddhist
ritual for my husband.
- Oh. He he died?
- He did.
And I've been trying to understand,
uh, to let go of him.
- Did it work?
- Not yet.
Yeah. Um
Uh, my family never, ever
did anything Buddhisty
for my brother.
Didn't really do much at all.
Some religions aren't as
good at death as others.
We Anglos are just rubbish.
Yeah.
Chantelle's lovely.
Don't worry, I'm not
gonna tell your dad.
But do you think she might have had
something to do with the theft?
W-what's she gonna do
with a stack of guns?
Loved ones can surprise you.
Come on, quit mucking about.
I'm trying to clean
the car. Ha-ha Hey.
Might you be able to get
some on the actual van?
Do you think I can borrow Declan's car?
You better ask Declan.
- Why don't you do it?
- What?
Tell him where you're going?
Tell him I said thanks.
And I knew she wasn't going to Pilates.
I mean, who'd wear dangly
earrings going to Pilates?
They'd whack you in the face.
You're a cop now?
Might be rubbing off on me.
It doesn't necessarily mean
that she's having an affair.
I mean, could be perfectly innocent.
Ninety-nine times out
of hundred, the reason
husbands and wives lie
to each other is because
they've found someone they like better.
Oh, I'm sure that's, you know,
not the case with you and Ian.
- No. He's the one in a hundred.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
But if Felicity is
playing boudoir Pilates
with this bloke every week
He might be in on the theft.
Can I help you?
You've been shagging Felicity Kemp?
I can't discuss a patient.
- Jack!
- How dare you, Jack!
Yeah, I'm sorry. It was a mistake.
You're supposed to be a friend.
I-it was me. I followed
you, it wasn't Jack.
- I'm so sorry
- He should know better.
We're eliminating suspects.
- I'm a suspect?
- Well, you lied to us.
And how do you think Declan would be
about me seeing a grief counsellor?
You're doing absolutely
the right thing, Flick.
And we're not gonna mention it to him.
No, we won't. I-I promise.
But there was no
broken-down car, I checked.
- Oh, Jack. This isn't the time.
- Oh.
Can't we just forget about
the damn guns, please?
Why did she lie about seeing the car?
She's protecting someone.
I know you don't know me very well,
but, uh, I generally don't do hysterics.
Ah, you should stick around.
I offer a masterclass.
I'm sorry I lied.
I hate sneaking around
behind Declan's back.
I might as well be cheating on him.
- Why don't you tell him?
- He won't talk about Ollie.
There's so much he doesn't tell me.
My husband was living
a lie when he died.
Blindsided me when I found out.
Made me doubt everything
I thought I knew about him.
- About us.
- I'm sorry.
Tell Declan what you're doing.
You wouldn't want a lie to
be the last thing between you.
Seven-one-eight.
Yes, it's one of those
fancy security keys.
And I'm sending you a picture of it.
I need to know if it's
one of yours. Thanks.
Tanner, come here, will you?
Yeah, no worries.
Ah. There you are.
Sit down, Tanner.
What's this about?
I thought you'd like to see this.
Flipping heck.
I bought it from Frogger in the pub.
Fell off the back of a truck.
Only you could go to the pub
for a pint and come back with an AK-47.
So what do you reckon?
It's a Savage. One of yours?
Yeah, um
Uh, yeah, this This is Ollie's.
Um, it's-it's been cleaned up a
little bit. That's his initials.
But who did Frogger get it from?
No, he wouldn't say, but
he did say he can get more.
- We must tell Declan.
- No, no, no, you can't.
Oh, it'll be such a
huge relief to your dad.
He would just go straight after Frogger
and he'd get himself hurt, o-or worse.
- So we tell the police.
- Please, you can't do that!
You're not talking sense, mate.
I stole the guns.
It was me.
So why would you steal your own guns?
I was worried that Dad was
gonna use one on himself.
He wouldn't do that.
I came home late one night.
The shed light was on, so
I went over to turn it off.
And there he was, sitting
He saw me, and he pretended
that he was cleaning it.
But I know what he was thinking.
So, yeah, I took the guns
to keep them away from him.
I didn't expect him to come
home right in the middle of it.
Didn't have to kick
the stuffing out of him.
Ah, that wasn't me.
That was Sam, wasn't it?
Yeah. He lost it big-time.
I'm sorry, Uncle Jack. I-I
didn't know what else to do.
Will you help me get them back?
This isn't one of yours.
I bought this from a dealer
and I put the initials on it.
- What?
- Your mother lied to us.
So we figured she'd only do that
to protect someone she loved.
Okay, so where are the actual guns?
Wherever you hid 'em.
Right.
- It'll be alright, mate.
- It's Dad I'm worried about.
Come on, Ollie! Go, Ollie! Go, mate!
Go, mate! Go, mate! Whoo! Ha-ha-ha!
Come on, mate! Push,
push, push, push, push!
What are you, a chicken? Come on!
- Go, go, go!
- Come on!
Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go, go!
- Ah! Ah!
What do you want?
You're a hard man to find.
I thought you were a detective.
Here, have one of those.
Found your gun thief.
Oh, yeah?
Was it a backpacker or a neighbour?
Bit closer to home.
Tanner?
- Mm-hmm.
- Ah.
That's, that's just stupid.
That's just wrong.
He confessed.
Sam helped him. It was
him that got into ya.
But the guns, that was Tanner's idea.
Ungrateful little, little shit.
To stop you doing
something stupid with 'em.
Ah, that's ridiculous!
What did he think
He saw you in the shed.
It's been two years
and and I I still miss him.
Yeah. You're always gonna.
He was a top kid.
I miss what he could have been.
So do Tanner and Felicity.
But, you know, they're too
scared to mention his name.
It's so hard that
that I can't talk about him.
Mate, you can't keep
a lid on it forever.
That's weird, there was an
old paddock bomb parked here,
but it's gone.
Alright, the guns are in here.
- They're gone.
- What's going on, mate?
I'm telling you, somebody's taken 'em.
Well, who else knew they were here?
Where are the guns?
What do you mean?
Where are they, Sam?
Where you hid them.
- You know, at the shed.
- Bullshit.
We know you're a part of
this, Sam. Where are the guns?
I was helping you,
but you dropped me in
it to save yourself.
- You're just as bad as Declan.
- Yeah, well
Nobody was supposed to get hurt.
Everyone got hurt!
Some of us just got on with it.
No. No, stop. No, Sam, stop!
Show me, show me your
boots. Show me the soles.
No. It's not him.
The boots at the shed.
Doc Martens.
Chantelle? Chantelle,
where-where are you?
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
Just, just bring 'em back.
It's too late.
I thought we
I like you, I really do,
but I have to go home.
- Is that a train?
- She's heading out of town.
- Alright. Stay there.
- Sorry.
Keep your shirt on.
I'm in a hurry. I'm meeting
people on the other side.
Yeah, don't tell me.
Tell my knackered gearbox.
We have to make it move.
Knock yourself out, love.
What are you doing here?
Chantelle, wait. Please.
Get out of it, you idiot.
Chantelle. I'm not
gonna let you do this.
It's too late. It's all agreed.
I-I need the money for
ma, and to get home.
Why didn't you tell me?
I would have helped you.
I could've gone with you.
Why would you do that?
- Why do you reckon?
- Because he's crazy about you.
I am.
Seriously. Totally.
Well, you're a right numpty.
You're too late.
You know, you, um
haven't done anything illegal yet.
Monumentally stupid, yes.
My advice, as someone who's
done a lot of stupid things,
is to just give us the guns,
and you two get out of here.
Come on.
It's alright to ask for help.
We'll sort these.
Ah!
Never again, okay?
Things are gonna be different.
Okay.
You'll talk to us?
I'll try.
Oh, baby.
Yeah.
Thanks, mate. Gonna stay in touch?
We oughta do that.
Well, thanks for saving my hide.
The pair of you.
See you, mate.
- Take care.
- Hm.
You have a strange sense
of justice, Mr, Darby.
It's called common sense.
Oh. Answer it, for goodness' sake.
Put the poor woman out of her misery.
- What woman?
- Liz.
She's always phoning you.
I see her name all the time.
Your ex-wife? Your half ex-wife?
Men are much more appealing
when they embrace their vulnerability.
Oh.
Record your destination.
Osprey Falls, Queensland.
Osprey Falls, Queenstown.
No, Queensland, you sodding piece of
Queens Landing, Soddington.
Why does it have to be so hard?
It's the Queen's bloody English!
Follow your nose.
Hm.
Oh, hang on.
Small detour.
So when I went to the key-cutting place
to get some sort of clues or directions,
he said that this sort of key,
they don't even cut this sort of key
because it's a special sort
of security lock-box key.
And so what I did was I sent
the pho-photos of the key
Joan, Joan, breathe.
I'm so nervous, Jack. I
mean, what if it's empty?
Seven-one-eight, right?
How did you know that?
Oh, you're unbelievable.
- There it is.
- Here we go.
What if Ian is someone I never knew?
Wouldn't want to know?
Would you open it, please?