DAVE (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
There's just so many different options.
Of course, bro. And you deserve it all.
What kind of shampoo do you use?
Not none of this. My
shit is natural, bro.
Like, my cousin make
my shit from scratch.
Are you saying black
people don't buy products
from stores like this?
I'm not saying that at all, bro.
But what I'm saying is,
there's way too many chemicals
on these shelves for
my natural dreadlocks.
But you look like a Head
& Shoulders type of dude.
Like, uh 'cause dandruff?
I have visible dandruff?
Hey. Y'all need something unlocked?
Uh, no, actually. I'm
just wondering about
this three-in-one body
wash-shampoo-conditioner.
I don't really see a world
where a single product
can do all three of those tasks at once.
Y-You should only hit the button
if you need something unlocked.
Really?
It says "Push button for help".
- Just help.
- Y'all got Wi-Fi here, bro?
- Nah.
- No Wi-Fi?
Maybe a body wash
could work as a shampoo,
but there's no way that a body wash
can somehow turn into a conditioner.
Like, one item can't be
something that it's not.
A nail can't be, like, a shoe.
You crazy, bro. I used to wash my hair
with a bar of soap like a barbarian.
Got my shit straight, like, real clean.
- Soap on the head?
- Come on, bro. A bar of soap.
Smaller than a Tic Tac, bro.
- That shit was clean, bro.
- Okay.
I-I'll be at the counter.
If you need me,
you know how to get me.
Thanks a lot for the help, Jesús.
It's Jesus.
Hey.
I found the perfect acne regime.
We're not getting out of that tub
until we totally rid your
back of the bacne.
- Tonight, we scrub.
- Hold on.
- Y'all take baths together?
- Yeah.
When I carve out the time
from work. It is hard.
- But it is my favorite part of the week.
- Mine, too.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's a great time.
Oh, I got to go get me something
to drink. That's too much.
- Where is he going?
- This stuff
He's going to get something to drink.
- Yeah, I want to get a razor.
- Yes?
Listen, man
You need me and I need you.
Almost there.
No, stop, you are killing me. Ugh.
Why? Because I am not biodegradable
and contribute to landfill?
Yes.
Don't flush so much,
don't flush so much,
don't flush so much,
don't flush so much!
Too early.
Save the Earth.
I'm so happy you came.
Thank you for having me, Muhammad Ali.
They were so good, right?
- Uh, yeah.
- Dave.
No, like, I just have no context here.
I've never seen anything like that.
I don't know what a
rival school would've done
with the same platform, and
Um, but I loved your directorial style.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I love how you loose you keep it,
- and how you let them just
- Loose?
I'm saying I enjoyed it. It was fun.
Dave, what are you talking about?
Can you be normal for two
Hey. Sorry to interrupt.
Um, so just heard that
we're closing in on Friday
- for John Levan's memorial.
- Oh.
- That's the kid that died?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Very terrible.
The cops have no leads at all?
He wasn't murdered, Dave.
I'm just saying, it's
they haven't solved it, so
- They don't
- So, hey, this is weird,
but John was a big Lil Dicky fan.
That's awesome. Or Yeah.
Yeah, so, his parents are here,
and they asked to meet you.
Oh, okay.
All right. What do I say?
Just say hi. It's not a big deal.
- Right?
- Okay. Yeah, no. No big deal.
I mean, you should
acknowledge t-their loss.
Without saying, "Sorry for your loss",
'cause I'm sure they're, like,
totally sick of hearing that.
Maybe just don't talk about it at all.
But let them know that
you know by being somber?
But nice.
Okay. I'm just That's
so much to think about.
I'm just gonna say hi and, like,
let them steer the conversation.
Okay. Godspeed.
Hi.
- Oh. Hi.
- Dave. Nice to meet you.
- Craig.
- Hi, Craig.
- Pam. Nice to meet you.
- Pam.
- How are you?
- Oh, and this is Zack.
- This is, uh, John's brother.
- Hey, Zack.
Is this Daniel Day-Lewis right here?
How you doing kid? You were great.
All right, see you later, bud.
We're gonna save you, Earth.
Wow. He was good.
- So
- Thank you.
John just loved you.
Oh, thank you so much, or thank him.
I-I mean, really, y-you were
one of his favorite rappers.
Yeah. He-he loved guys like you
and Macklemore and
You know, all those kinds of guys.
Yeah. Macklemore.
You know, we weren't gonna
ask, but we would just love it
if you would perform a song
about John at his memorial.
Oh. Uh, sure.
- Thank you, Dave.
- Oh, that'd be amazing.
Oh, my gosh. Come here. That
would mean the world to us.
- Yeah.
- Uh, yeah.
- Thank you.
- And you-you said about John.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, a song about
'cause I don't you know,
I've never met him.
I don't know much about him.
If you just give me your e-mail,
I can shoot over some thoughts.
- Yes.
- Like, factoids about
- Yeah, that would help. Okay.
- Exactly.
Uh, it's DonCheadlesDriveway
@lildicky2.com.
I know it's complex.
I do it 'cause hackers.
- Okay.
- And I hate to break this to you,
but I've actually never
performed live before, so
- No, w-we don't care.
- No, we don't
- That's even probably better.
- Yeah.
And you guys have seen my stuff, right?
Because, like, it's pretty racy
and, like, has this comedic
tone to it that I think
could be pretty ill-fitting for
Do what you do, sweetheart.
Make it funny, and-and heartfelt.
Okay.
And cool.
- Yeah.
- Sure.
I am a professional. I do
have a slow process typically,
but I will try to turn something around.
- Let's get, uh Come on.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
- Thank you. Oh, thank you so much.
It's just not my vision
for my first performance ever.
Okay, well, maybe, then,
it's just the kick in the butt
you need to get it over with.
I haven't needed a kick in the butt.
I've been being very strategic
about when to perform live.
And, like, the moment.
Okay, well, at least it's a good deed,
and good things come to
people who do good deeds.
- Yo.
- Oh, my God.
- Don't sneak up on me like that.
- Wow.
Sorry, Emma.
I have to catch you up on
what just happened to me
at Ally's little play thing, okay?
I'm now being forced to
perform for the first time
at a dead kid's funeral.
I like the sound of all of this.
Okay, he went to my school
and was apparently a
really big fan of Dave's.
And I appreciate that,
and I totally understand
that a-a kid is dead. I get that.
But the nature in
which his parents asked
just lacked all social
awareness, you know?
They're not even like,
"What are you doing?
Are you free this weekend?"
If-if human beings don't have manners,
we're, like, wild animals.
You know what I mean? Like
Then what separates man from geese?
Yeah, I feel like they probably
had a lot on their plate.
This just sucks.
I don't know how else
to say it. This sucks.
I think one of the reasons
I'm so riled up is, 'cause,
like, I'm just so sick of
being compared to Macklemore
- at every moment, and that's
- Dave, people love Macklemore.
Emma, am I anything like Macklemore?
- Never met him.
- Well, I'm nothing like him.
- Couldn't be less like him.
- Couldn't
You're a snowflake, and
I'm gonna take a shower.
"Spotify related artists: Lil
Dicky, Macklemore"
- "Lonely Island, G-Eazy"
- Yeah. I know. I know.
I've seen it. I've-I see it
every day a hundred times.
I've written so many e-mails about it.
It's the most annoying
It's unprofessional.
I should be categorized with,
like, Young Thug and Kanye.
Your rap name is literally
a small penis joke.
It's actually a super
intellectual commentary
on hypermasculinity.
Your first single was "My Dick Sucks".
First off, it was very successful.
Second off, it had to be overt
'cause it's my first content
that I'm putting out.
I had to be very kind
of on the nose with it.
Oh, I hope you don't
mistake my questions
for me actually caring.
Well, that was rude.
All right, slug, I'm going to bed.
Good night.
No.
No, like
it's, like, too urban.
Too urban? What are you, a politician
describing black people? Fuck you.
- Please keep going.
- So Okay.
This is interesting 'cause it's sad,
but it's like, I think, is it too sad?
I thought the goal was sad here.
Here's what I don't
want: I don't want people
up there sobbing;
I don't want people,
like, cackling laughing;
but I want people, like,
looking, kind of smiling,
with, like, that tinge of sadness,
and a drizzle of, like, uplifting,
but then, at the same time,
like, everybody's fucking.
It also needs to be funny
because it's my first
public-facing thing
as Lil Dicky, and I
need to, like, have it be
totally on-brand and
it's quite a challenge,
I'm not saying it's not a
challenge, but that's why
me and you are me and you.
Keep going.
Oh, I didn't know you made
music for insects, man.
Fuck you.
Hold on, wait.
Go back to the one you
just played one ago, please.
I know you like a beat
when your mouth stays open
for that long
Dude, this is perfect.
This is, like, ideal.
It's ideal if he got hit by
a fucking party bus,
but I don't think he did, so
Yeah, but listen, 'cause
it's obviously, like, turnt,
but like if there, that
emotional there's that,
like, that piano thing is like, so sad,
but, uh, like, uplifting.
This is the one. I love this one.
Beam me up, Scotty, I'm going in there,
and I'm gonna make dreams come true.
- Please don't kick the chairs.
- I didn't kick it.
You have chairs in the middle of a room.
You need to wear
glasses like you used to.
- You were a lot cuter then.
- Turn the mic on.
John John John John John ♪
John, John ♪
We put John in the ground today ♪
As I rap this song,
he looks down on me ♪
What?!
He's playing ball right now ♪
With Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ♪
Well, he's not, he's still alive ♪
Hold on, who died in the NBA? ♪
Len Bias ♪
Or This Or lighters in the sky?
No lighters, brother. Ten-year-old kids.
- Good point.
- At a funeral.
- Right.
- Parents, put your lighters in the sky ♪
If you're a smoker ♪
Kids, wave your hands side to side ♪
If you loved J-O-H-N,
we came to have fun ♪
But mourn ♪
This is the worst I've ever
heard in my fucking life.
How do I make this, how
do I make this song, John?
- Excellent. Gata's here. Perfect timing.
-
Bro, why do you always invite this man?
He's incredibly inspiring,
and makes me feel like
my truest rapper self.
Why is that?
'Cause he's, like, cool.
- Just cool?
- Yeah. What do you Yeah. Very cool,
- and, like, he's it's, like, he's
- Black?
He's, like, black, maybe?
You're black. And you don't
do nearly what Gata does for me
- in this regard.
- How do I make you feel, then?
Like a burden or a nuisance.
Fine, we're getting
food without you, then.
His dad sent me an e-mail,
but the format's so weird,
I tried to pull it off of my
phone, I can't even read it.
- It's like
- Well, you know cell phones is man-made, bro.
Come on, stop tripping,
and this cheesesteak,
this cheesesteak about to be bomb.
I hope so. I'm from Philly.
Better have the right bread in here.
Hey, let me get a hot dog.
- A hot dog?
- Yeah.
Wait. Aren't you Lil Dicky?
Oh, come on, man.
- I just got put on to you.
- Great, welcome.
- I saw what you did on YG's Instagram.
- Yeah.
- Bro, you snapped.
- Fire.
I mean, straight fire.
Yes!
- Yo, I didn't know you had bars like that, bro.
- Yeah.
Like, you like a real rapper.
Yeah.
I know it's not no Philly, but, hey.
What does he mean when he says,
"You're like a real rapper"?
Like, that's so insulting.
You think he'd ever tell Offset
that he's like a real rapper?
That nigga heart
would've dropped if Offset
walked in here bezeled out,
like with an AP on and shit.
How am I supposed to rap
at this kid's funeral?
Do you believe in God, bro?
I don't know.
You know, all I believe in
is that no one knows anything.
Like, I believe in sheer ignorance.
Anybody that claims to know something,
it's, like, how could you?
You know, we're so clueless.
Of course you think that way,
'cause you privileged, bro.
You never had no hardships.
That's interesting. So you're
saying I didn't have to,
like, lean on religion, 'cause
Yeah. You're not praying to your God.
Everything you ever wanted
just, just right there
fell into your lap, bro.
This is all I mean, this
whole, it's all so weird.
Look around, like, what,
like what, is this even real?
- Like, like do you
- Whoo what you 'bout to do?
I was about to touch your face,
but maybe I shouldn't have?
Have some faith, LD.
Whoever made this planet is
doing a great job to me, brah.
I don't know if it's God, Allah
Allah Akbar, who's, who's Akbar?
Is that God's last name in Muslim?
I have no idea, but
"salaka salaam", my friend.
Thank you.
Bro, you gotta tear niggas'
heads off on the mic, period.
Or, like not even,
maybe there's nothing ♪
Maybe John knows even less than his ♪
Dumb cousin in the
front row gettin' it in ♪
Maybe he's in Europe, like,
what the heck is Al Jazeer? ♪
Maybe John's a dove ♪
Maybe he's a cow ♪
Maybe he's a piece of soil ♪
Or a molecule ♪
Reincarnation, some
things would be cooler ♪
Than other things, what
would John wanna be? ♪
He'd be me, I think ♪
Is he in me now? ♪
John's gone ♪
So that's like the hook.
John's gone ♪
I think I would end it
John's gone ♪
John's gone. ♪
And that's how
I intend on doing it.
So, that's it, you know.
What did you think? Did you like it?
Just
- It's
- Yeah, I did.
You actually thought
it was the perfect thing
for this event or you loved it
because you're looking forward
to me humiliating myself?
That I'm unsure of.
Was it funny?
Yes.
Yeah!
Is it too funny?
- It's hard
- No.
to say.
I wish I had, like,
more of an understanding
of, like, the space
and, like, the logistics
of the event, like, where is the body,
like, how is this even, like,
from a layout perspective?
The body won't be there.
Then what the hell are we
even doing this for?
Is this the final product
that we're seeing, or ?
Yes, it's the final product.
I'm doing it in, like, six hours.
- What do you
- Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
Like, imagine, like, your whole life,
you have this vision of,
like, exactly how your dreams
are gonna come true and it's
just, like, poof, extinguished.
You've been waiting your whole
life to do that rap?
No. To do an alternative to that.
Oh.
Should I make it longer?
No.
This one's like bacne
Pangea. It's remarkable.
Okay, how's that water?
It's pretty good. Doctor.
Good, it's gonna activate
the medicine here.
I got to tell you, man,
this chemical balance
is just not working out for me.
I have to change up this formula,
because that 14% didn't
work from last month.
I don't know why you write this down.
Well, because it matters to me.
I'm trying to clear up this back, okay?
'Cause you're my baby boy.
Progress would be so helpful.
Have you been eating cheese?
- Yeah.
- David.
I've said it to you a million
times, I'm made of Parmigiano
- John Leguizamo Reggiano.
- Yeah, I know, I know,
but you cannot do that. You're
gonna set our progress back.
- Hey, Dave.
- Yeah?
Ah!
Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.
You ever had a night
like this, like this?
Whoa.
Wow, that's a lot of
seats out here, man. Wow.
Yo, what do you think of this
jacket? It's my stage jacket.
That shit is garbage.
- Really?
- Yeah, bro.
That should be in the trash can.
Put it somewhere safe.
You having fun?
Who's having, uh
Who's with me?
You look so good. Hi.
I'm so stressed.
I know.
But you're gonna be so good.
- You reckon?
- I reckon.
Hey, let's start
talking about movements.
- Right?
- Yeah.
So you'll stand right there
and I'll move to the car,
- move the car to the house, move into
- No, I'm serious.
Like, if you see me going like this
Get the fuck out of here.
No, you-you have to Yeah,
with me or I look corny.
What you trying to do, land a plane?
You got to do it with me, or
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, so extension.
- Yup.
- Oh, this is weird. This is dark.
It's not weird. Everyone does this.
Feel like I'm at a Zumba class.
And if you, you know, see me bouncing
No, no, no, no, no. That's a cornfield.
- Don't do that.
- Why?
- Bounce?
- Everyone does this.
Yeah, and when they see you
do it, they're gonna stop
'cause that shit is not it.
Well, there's only so much
you can do to get it, like,
hands moving. I wish I could be like,
- you know
- You could also just say
You could also just say, "Hands up".
- Like everybody else.
- Hands up!
But then you have to have
a, like, one hand up,
but you don't have to
rock back and forth.
You need to bounce to the beat.
You don't have to film
everything. Please stop.
- Stop filming.
- What is this for?
For your documentary.
For your court case when you go to jail.
Oh, no. School's out.
I'm at a memorial. I don't know.
I never knew the kid.
Come on, man, Charlie got a VIP tent.
Charlie got catering.
Charlie got Perrier. This is crazy.
You got something to say
on my live for Charlie, bro?
- It's John.
- Oh. Shit.
My bad, John. Tell Pac and
Big it's all good, but
- Why are you both filming?
- I'm trying to get him on my thing, man.
I'm good. Why are you
filming him film? This is
We about to
Do you think people are gonna dance?
I'm gonna be.
Okay, so I need to go out
there, wait for my cue,
the-the screen will come down,
and then you put the graphic up,
but just, like, make
sure to wait for my cue.
Show me the graphic
real quick, actually.
Mm
hmm
What?
It's not on this laptop.
I've looked at everything.
It's not on this laptop.
The graphic's not on that laptop?
The graphic is not on this laptop.
I asked you to bring the graphic.
Why would you not
have it on that laptop?
Um Well, bro, I
You had two jobs, dude.
It was to press play
and bring the graphic.
Please don't fucking
forget to press play.
Yo, he lost his fucking mind.
Yo.
- 'Sup?
- What's wrong?
I just can't believe this is the setting
for my first live performance.
- So don't think of it like that.
- How could I not?
Because this isn't about you.
I mean, stop whining.
Dave, look at them. You
can do a million shows
to make up for this one.
They can't make up for the
fact that their son is gone.
- Very true.
- Yeah.
You write goofy raps, you make
people laugh. They need it.
They're sad right now,
they're hurt. I can't believe
you don't see the beautiful
irony in this whole thing.
Well, that speech just
gave me goose bumps.
- You got the tingles?
- Yeah, that was good. You're right.
- You're totally right.
- Good. Good.
- Well said.
- Now Daddy needs to go feel some tingles,
so I'm gonna go do drugs in the car.
- Drugs?
- As many as I've got.
You're gonna do great.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey, Dave.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you doing?
Well, all right.
I just want to, I want
to thank you so much.
Of course.
You have no idea how much this means
to our family.
I just, I know John would've been so,
he would've been so happy
to see you. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
I appreciate that.
- Thank you so much.
- I'm gonna make him proud.
Thank you. Thanks.
Thank you, everyone, for coming.
It means so much to the Levan family
to see all of John's friends out here.
And now, to help us
You about to get this shit lit, boy.
John just loved you.
Do what you do, sweetheart.
Make it funny and-and heartfelt.
- And cool.
- You're gonna be so good.
This is the worst I've
ever heard in my fucking life.
Your rap name is
literally a small penis joke.
- They need it. They're sad right now.
- Bro, you gotta tear
- niggas' heads off on the mic.
- It's Jesus.
Don't flush so much,
don't flush so much
You're like a real rapper.
Oh, my gosh, it's Macklemore.
I am so sorry I'm late.
I would not miss it, and
I am honored, seriously.
Aw, damn,
we got Macklemore in the
cut like it ain't shit.
We going up, John. Your memorial is lit.
- I'm really honored to be here.
- The Wi-Fi is trash, though.
What's up with the service out here?
Hey, uh, so Macklemore's here.
Yeah.
We didn't expect him to
come and the city ordinance
only lets us go until 7:00.
Macklemore, how long's your set?
Whatever you guys want.
I got a ton of hits,
huge catalog, I'll go forever.
Uh
I'm sorry, Dave. There's just
not enough time for you both.
I mean, hey, it's Macklemore.
- Yeah, sure.
- John had all his posters.
- Yeah.
- You know, he won a Grammy.
Okay, yeah.
I just don't sell posters, but yet.
Yeah, absolutely.
Hey. How's it going?
- This mine?
- Um, yeah.
Thank you.
Blessings, brother.
- You're the sound man?
- You know, actually
Just make sure my shit is loud.
Please. Really loud on the monitors.
Thanks, bro.
What up, everybody?
How's everybody feeling?
Let's do this for John.
- Thank God.
- He loved basketball,
he loved caterpillars, and he loved you.
Now let's be so goddamn loud
in this place that he hears us
all the way up in heaven.
This is new. Where'd you get this?
Want a piece of the pie,
grab the keys to the ride ♪
A thrift shop.
I'm on my wave, I'm on my wave. ♪