Dead Pixels (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
Tanadaal
1 EERIE INTRO MUSIC TRIP HOP BEA CAR HORNS BEEP You ever shit in a bucket? Sorry, what did you say? You heard me, sweetheart.
I see you and your Metroid t-shirt, with your geek-girl glasses and cute little Pac-Man keychain.
I see you, girl.
So let me ask you again, have you ever shit in a bucket? Because I have.
Twice.
Once playing EverQuest and then again playing Shogun: Total War.
I had bad guts! Right.
Sorry to hear that.
What was the last game you completed? Full completion.
And if it was an 8-bit and you played it on an emulator, then save states don't count.
I-I'm not sure "Erm, erm, I'm not sure!" And yet, here you are at a bus stop looking all cute.
"Oh, everyone, look at me, I'm a gamer!" Do you know what this is? This is cultural appropriation.
Because I did my business into a bucket and I slung it out of a window and into the privets.
I would do it again, in a heartbeat, if the game demanded, because that's hard-core.
Slave to the game.
Anyway, see you round, treacle tits.
TRIP HOP BEA CREATURES ROAR SHE GASPS Yeah! Right, mission complete.
Cut sequence.
I must insist on absolute silence.
"My fellow rebels, I, Tanadaal, bring urgent news from the Citadel.
"Your hive mother is gestating.
" Shit the bath! She's fucking pregnant! "Soon she will spawn the mightiest army the kingdom has ever seen "and her genocidal plan to cleanse the outer rim will be completed.
" Nicky! Are you hearing this, Nicky? DIALOGUE SKIPS Yeah.
Taking it all in.
Just drinking it in.
Ooh, items! Apparently, if I collect all 50 crystal acorns, I unlock a crystal acorn trophy.
Sounds pathetic.
I must have it! "The Jade Knot is in debt to you, young warrior.
Yaah!" HORSES NEIGH "Guys, there's gonna be an announcement about the Kingdom Scrolls movie.
" They're casting Vince Vaughn as Tanadaal.
WHAT? NO! Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?! I'm so sorry for your loss.
No! He's too bulky! He doesn't have the substance! He's too substantial and also too insubstantial! It's all kicked off.
Reddit's basically imploded.
Oh, my God! There was so much hate speech on there, one of the moderators has been signed off with PTSD.
Is this a joke? Seriously, is it fucking Jester's Day again? Perfect! No sword play! No sword play on the resume of Mr Vince Vaughn! But I guess that's OK because he's only playing a barbarian! Don't even get me started on the hairline.
Tanadaal has a fringe! A fucking fringe! Vince Vaughn is essentially 95 percent forehead! Have you seen his hairline from the Emmys? His forehead is essentially infinite! This is an international outrage! I want to punch someone in the face! I would punch my cat if I had a cat! I could kill, like, a person.
If I had a sniper rifle right now, I'd go and find a vantage point, squeeze off a clip, take out a couple of grannies.
Drink myself into a stupor and get in a fight with an army man.
Pound my thighs with a camping mallet! Bang my head against a sheet of titanium until I forget my own name! Lock myself into the boot of my car and just scream! Swallow a ping pong ball so I asphyxiate! Bind my hands behind my back and then fall out of the loft! Shave all my hair off and then eat it from a bowl and just weep! Yeah.
I mean, it's not that bad.
KNOCK AT DOOR Great, and now the shopping's here.
This day is so fucked! MEG WEEPS Great, thanks.
Receipt's in the bag, is it? OK, bye.
"Nicky, hurry up.
" "Nicky, hurry up.
Come on.
" Yes, thank you, Megan! I just need to put the shopping away.
"Hurry the fuck up, Nicky!" Right, powdered goods there.
There.
Sauces there.
There.
Bread.
Perfect.
"Guys, it's me! Russell! "I made a new friend.
This is My Mum Died Yesterday.
He's Swiss.
" "Wait.
Your mum died yesterday?" "Whose mum died yesterday?" My mom didn't die yesterday.
My mom died in '08.
"No, that's his name - My Mum Died Yesterday.
It's a joke!" He's mad! He's Swiss! HOOVER HUMS Dance.
Come on, everyone, do the dance.
Russell, mate, no-one dances in Kingdom Scrolls any more.
It's the ultimate dick move.
It's kind of like going to London and wearing a t-shirt that says "I Love London".
But it's fun to dance.
"Precisely! If you want fun, go and play fucking Mario Cart against some pink-haired girl from Japan.
Otherwise, grab a cudgel and shut the fuck up! Right, Meg? Yeah, right, Nicky.
Sorry, can I just ask you something? If you don't enjoy it, why do you still play it? Well, that's the enduring mystery.
It's a commitment I made in error two years ago, which I seem somehow unable to break free from.
I'm a genie in a bottle, and no-one's got a bottle opener.
CLATTERING And now he's stiffed me with a shitty pear.
"Who has?" The algorithm, Meg.
The giant synthetic brain that dictates the flow of my life, because he knows me and he knows I'm going to eat it anyway.
So here's to the algorithm! Long may he reign! Mm! Really revolting! I found a publicity shot of him in a western from 2000.
He looks wrong on a horse.
He just does.
I'm really sorry, Meg.
What's happened? Is everything all right? Not really.
They cast Vince Vaughn in the role of Tanadaal in the Kingdom Scrolls movie.
What's wrong with Vince Vaughn? He's funny.
That movie where he gets the job at Google Because that's what you want for a character who saw his parents burnt at the stake, you want them to be funny.
Nicky, can you We're coming to terms with it.
It's still pretty raw.
Well, I'm sorry.
I know how much these things matter to you and - Excuse me.
"These things"? I didn't mean it like that.
This is the casting of the lead, Alison.
This affects everyone.
And you needn't think you're safe, because they came for the remake of Ghost in the Shell and I said nothing.
Then they came for the Fantastic 4, again, and I said nothing.
And then they came for Kingdom Scrolls.
No.
Sure.
I'm annoyed, too, actually.
Cor, that is so annoying! OK, Alison, you have no idea! Well, I mean, I know what it's like to have things not go your way.
Because remember last year when I went through that really difficult time? Oh, yeah.
God, that was hard! So I socialised and I exercised and I, er, saw that therapist.
You know? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
And I talked about everything and I came through.
My point is, when things get tough, fight back! Anyway KNOCK AT DOOR Hi! Don't wait up! What the fuck is she on about? What really tough time? Not like when she got ill and lost her job? I've got absolutely no idea! Anyway, how is that even the same? Well, what's done is done.
Give it another 20 years and they'll probably do a reboot.
Yep.
Best thing we can do now, hunker down for two decades and wait for the reboot.
You know what, Nicky? We don't have much, you and me, we lead very thin lives, but we have this, and you'd best believe we paid our dues, motherfucker.
Hallelujah.
The days and the weeks and the months spent in the trenches, after all of those whoo girls, the girls at the bar who go "Whoo!" with the thick-rimmed glasses, pretending they play FIFA so they can hoover up all of the hot dick whilst I'm shitting in a bucket, and this is the thanks I get? I get Vince fuck-eyed Vaughn as the lead? Well, I say no more! Now, are you with me or are you gonna bend over and take another mouldy pear up the shitter? Comrade, I would follow you into battle any day, but I think you knew that.
Totally forgot you shat in that bucket.
So badass! THEY CHANT: Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn! Who do we wanna fuck? Vince Vaughn.
Protest.
What's the plan? So, if we get 20,000 signatures, they have to discuss it in the House of Commons.
Apparently Corbyn's a big gamer.
Bullshit! I say we dox him.
Hit him where he lives.
Find the address of his production company, send them a sleeping bag with a turd in it.
Hang on.
Sorry, Meg.
That's meaningless.
And unfeasible! It's entirely feasible.
So, what, you're gonna buy a sleeping bag from Argos, do a turd in it, and then what, get DHL to courier it to LA? It'll take three weeks, probably cost £200.
They'll open it, it won't be Vince, it'll be the nice girl on reception, it's only her second week, she probably won't find the turd, which'll be all shrivelled up anyway from all the air travel, £200 to send a desiccated turd to an intern! It is just nonsense! Guys, guys, come on! Where's the unity? Sorry, Meg.
We need to work together.
We have a shared message.
Yeah.
We repeal Vince Vaughn and replace him with Michael Fassbender.
Fassbender?! What? Do you have any idea how short Fassbender's legs are? I don't know, Nicky, tell me.
24-inch inside leg, and that is on very good authority, and you want him to play the Tall Man of Blackspire? Fine.
Then, who? Cumberbatch.
Oh, you total pussy! "What?" Are you a fucking woman, Nicky? Are you an actual lady with a VW Beetle and a subscription to Grazia magazine? Daddy, Mommy wants you to hold the ladder for her! I'll be right there, honey! Oh, would you lookie here? I seem to have my fingers crossed.
"Good news.
He's on his way! "My Mum Died Yesterday is coming to my house.
He's mad.
He's Swiss.
" "My Mum Died Yesterday is coming to your house?" "Yeah.
We're gonna hang out.
" Mad! Swiss! No.
You don't do that, Russell! You don't invite a man called My Mum Died Yesterday to your house.
Why not? Ugh! Honestly! And I'm sorry but I need to ask, how are you this stupid? Seriously.
Were you raised in the wild by a troupe of feral morons? No, I was raised at home by my mum and Frank.
You don't invite people to your home, Russell.
He's probably gonna kill you.
Did you even check his profile? "How do I do that again?" Control-P.
Nah, I'm sure it's fine because .
.
14's basically an adult, right? He's 14?! "I mean, you can join the army at 14, so "Siri, can you join the army at 14?" Oh, my God, Russell! You just invited a child to come and live with you! Hang on.
He's not coming to live with me.
"Did you even ask his parents? They'll probably think you wanna fuck him.
" "Why would they think that?" "Because that's what people like you do.
" "That's not what people like me do, actually!" "You groomed him, Russell.
This is grooming.
" "I didn't groom him!" I groomed his horse! You groomed his horse? In the stables! We both did! And how is this going to sound when it's read aloud in court? "You groomed a child's horse.
" "Daddy, I can't hold the ladder by myself!" Russell, as a father, I happen to know a thing or two about the welfare of young children.
My point is, you cannot let this boy in your home.
You see this, Meg? Such a noob! It's all cool.
I'll just call him and tell him not to come.
LOUD CLATTERING Honey? "Honey?" Honey? Daddy, Mommy isn't moving! Oh, boy! METAL CLANGS OK, what's this now? I am hitting the statue with my sword.
And I'm going to keep on hitting the statue until such time as they reconsider the casting of Vince Vaughn.
You're clonking.
That's what you're doing.
You're a clonkist.
Pretty effeminate clonking sound, dude.
It's the sound of progress, Usman.
Well, while you've been clonking, I've cut a deal with The Flaming Shitheads.
The Flaming Shitheads? You know the clan, The Flaming Shitheads.
Yes, I know the clan, The Flaming Shitheads.
They're shitheads.
Exactly! They found Vaughn's contact info from the Sony dump.
We've been hounding him.
Oh, Jesus, not the turd in a sleeping bag? Worse! Phone calls, emails.
We're thinking of sending a cardboard coffin to his house filled with horrible drawings.
It's my idea.
I mean, it's unpleasant, but it's effective.
She has a point.
If it's clonking or hounding, I have to go with hounding.
The Flaming Shitheads are racist.
They're a bunch of alt-right freakos.
They purged the entire wetlands because they thought the geese were Jewish.
BIRD CLUCKS Nicky, I don't know how much you know about Nelson Mandela, but I've seen the film and I happen to know he did some pretty questionable things.
He threw a hand grenade at a school bus.
I can remember.
My point is, it's time to fight back! "Yeah, that's it, angel.
Give Mommy the blue one.
" No, the blue one from the bottle on the side.
"She has two of those with a glass of water.
You're doing great baby-cakes.
" How is your wife, Usman? Oh, she's a trooper.
And the girls have really rallied.
Daddy! I can't get the bottle open! You need to push it down and then twist.
"Push and then twist.
"No, twist.
" PILLS RATTLE OK, honey-bunny, now you got it! Those girls never fail to amaze me.
Is that him? OK, that's not him.
Otto's not answering his phone so I'm watching out for him with binoculars.
Right.
So you're trying not to behave like a paedophile by watching young boys through binoculars? God, this is an absolute minefield! I should delete my character and go back to playing hockey.
Sorry, you play hockey? Oh, yeah.
I used to play for England schoolboys.
But then I got really into cocaine.
Then I found Christianity.
Then I found cocaine again.
And then there was an overlap period where I was into cocaine and Jesus.
And then I stopped doing that and then I spent about a year trolling David Attenborough.
Russell, I just found a small boy on the driveway.
Shit.
OK.
HE PANTS Mum, I'm sorry, it was a mistake.
I made friends with him on the game.
I didn't know he was a child.
You need to sort this out.
Look, Mother, I am sorting this out! We need to turn off all the lights and hide until he goes back to Basel.
Bit late for that now, son.
What the? Oh, my God.
What the fuck? You let him in! I couldn't leave him! He's a child, Russell! A Switzerland boy.
I couldn't just turn him away! Oh, my God, you fucking idiot, Mum! No, you're the fucking idiot, son.
I've got to get back to work.
What?! What am I gonna say, "Sorry I'm late, I had to take a boy back to Switzerland?" Mum, don't you dare No! Do not No, Mum! Mother! Mother?! MOTHER?! Oh, Jesus Christ! Russell's got a boy in his room! Dude, I don't want to teach you how to suck eggs, but whatever you do, do not fuck him.
In fact, you should film yourself not fucking him, just in case.
Uh-oh.
Where is he? He's gone.
SHOWER CURTAIN CLOSES WATER RUNS Oh, no.
Oh, Christ, no! He's in the shower! "My Mum Died Yesterday is in my shower!" There's a nude boy in your house.
"He's already nude? What is it with you Europeans?" OK, that's it, you're going to jail.
He hasn't got a towel.
What if he comes out and it's all steamy and he's looking for a towel and he's nude and he bumps into me? You need to get him out of there.
I can't.
He's locked the door! "Lure him out with chocolate.
" What? "I mean it, man!" Get some choc and a piece of string and just lure him on out of there.
Wait! Forget the choc! Bust the door down! "Don't bust the door down!" You can't bang on a nude boy! Just get out! Run! HE WHIMPERS OK, I'm in the garden! "Call the cops.
" "Yeah, but what if they seize his laptop, though?" "The chat logs" "All that talk of having sex with young boys.
" I didn't say that! You said that! "God, this is really tense.
" Will someone tell me what to do?! "Wait, I got it! "No, sorry, it's gone.
OK, you're fucked!" You're on your own, mate.
All on your own with a wet naked child.
I'm kicking him out.
I'm booting him out of the house.
I am.
TENSE MUSIC HE KNOCKS SOFTLY Otto, mate? You need to put your clothes on and leave, please, mate.
"At least half-close your eyes in case you accidentally see him nude.
" SHOWER CURTAIN OPENS I have your bag.
You need to take it and get out.
Oh, no.
His mum died yesterday.
Well, not yesterday but recently.
His mum died! Yeah.
I mean, I guess all the clues were there.
"Jesus, he's an orphan.
" You're his mummy now, Russell.
CLANGING "Oh, hey, Nicky.
" "What the hell is that?" "Oh, it's a likeness of Vince Vaughn.
I made it with Character Creation tools.
"I mean, it looks like Ant McPartlin but I think it does the job.
"We're going to string it up by the cathedral and fire harpoons at it.
"Are you coming?" "You crossed a line.
"That's basically a hate crime.
You're a war criminal!" "Suit yourself.
Come on, boys! "Ha! Right in the tit! "20 gold crowns if you can get him in the goolies.
"Yes!" Have you seen the Twitter? Vince Vaughn's withdrawing from the role.
What? No way? Nicky! Oh, my God, it's true! # Vince Is Mince! The nightmare is over! There's a quote from his PR team.
They said he withdrew from the role due to, quote, "Some of the vicious personal comments online.
" THEY GASP That was me! Some of that was me! Did they mention the clonking at all? This might sound a bit grand, but I've changed the course of human history! I just have! Good for you, Meg! THEY LAUGH He drove his car into a tree.
What was that? Apparently, some guy saw him in a bar looking all sad and then he got into his car and, yeah, ploughed into a tree.
I think he's OK.
He split his head open and lost consciousness for a few minutes.
Mm.
Right.
His daughter's been crying on Instagram.
I think they're sending him to a facility, so he's going to be all right, but still Oh, God! Mm.
What type of tree? Oak.
32 miles per hour.
Pinned to the wheel.
Neighbours reported squealing, apparently.
Squealing? Squealing.
Vince Vaughn was squealing? He was squealing, yes.
The star of The Wedding Crashers, squealing in his Prius.
But I guess that's good for you because now he won't be in your movie.
So, yeah.
Yay! Mm SWEEPING MUSIC "Reports of sustained squealing.
" "So it wasn't just a single squeal, it was sustained.
" "Yep.
All right, Nicky.
" That was you, Meg.
Some of that was you.
Us, Nicky.
Some of that was us.
Sending him a coffin filled with horrible pictures? It was probably the clonking that tipped him over the edge, like a raven pecking on his skull.
Bullshit.
What's clonking ever achieved? All right! Maybe it's the cost of progress.
Because there's always a Hiroshima.
There's always a Dresden.
And that's cool.
Guys, good news.
I asked my mum and she said Otto could stay with us till he gets himself sorted out.
Wow! That's actually really sweet of you.
Can anyone think of something fun to do to cheer him up? You know, because his mum died, didn't she? Actually, there is one thing.
SWEEPING MUSIC You were right, Russell, this actually is fun! Oh! The robot! Oh! MEG LAUGHS I'd just like to remind you that all you're doing is pressing is F4.
Yeah, but I'm doing the robot.
Nicky, stop being such a killjoy.
Get over here.
No, thanks, Meg.
I'd rather eat my own thumbs.
"You'll never guess who they're thinking of casting now.
" Paul Rudd.
WHAT? NO! Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?! I might actually be sick! My hands have gone all tingly! I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up! This is a living, breathing nightmare!
I see you and your Metroid t-shirt, with your geek-girl glasses and cute little Pac-Man keychain.
I see you, girl.
So let me ask you again, have you ever shit in a bucket? Because I have.
Twice.
Once playing EverQuest and then again playing Shogun: Total War.
I had bad guts! Right.
Sorry to hear that.
What was the last game you completed? Full completion.
And if it was an 8-bit and you played it on an emulator, then save states don't count.
I-I'm not sure "Erm, erm, I'm not sure!" And yet, here you are at a bus stop looking all cute.
"Oh, everyone, look at me, I'm a gamer!" Do you know what this is? This is cultural appropriation.
Because I did my business into a bucket and I slung it out of a window and into the privets.
I would do it again, in a heartbeat, if the game demanded, because that's hard-core.
Slave to the game.
Anyway, see you round, treacle tits.
TRIP HOP BEA CREATURES ROAR SHE GASPS Yeah! Right, mission complete.
Cut sequence.
I must insist on absolute silence.
"My fellow rebels, I, Tanadaal, bring urgent news from the Citadel.
"Your hive mother is gestating.
" Shit the bath! She's fucking pregnant! "Soon she will spawn the mightiest army the kingdom has ever seen "and her genocidal plan to cleanse the outer rim will be completed.
" Nicky! Are you hearing this, Nicky? DIALOGUE SKIPS Yeah.
Taking it all in.
Just drinking it in.
Ooh, items! Apparently, if I collect all 50 crystal acorns, I unlock a crystal acorn trophy.
Sounds pathetic.
I must have it! "The Jade Knot is in debt to you, young warrior.
Yaah!" HORSES NEIGH "Guys, there's gonna be an announcement about the Kingdom Scrolls movie.
" They're casting Vince Vaughn as Tanadaal.
WHAT? NO! Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?! I'm so sorry for your loss.
No! He's too bulky! He doesn't have the substance! He's too substantial and also too insubstantial! It's all kicked off.
Reddit's basically imploded.
Oh, my God! There was so much hate speech on there, one of the moderators has been signed off with PTSD.
Is this a joke? Seriously, is it fucking Jester's Day again? Perfect! No sword play! No sword play on the resume of Mr Vince Vaughn! But I guess that's OK because he's only playing a barbarian! Don't even get me started on the hairline.
Tanadaal has a fringe! A fucking fringe! Vince Vaughn is essentially 95 percent forehead! Have you seen his hairline from the Emmys? His forehead is essentially infinite! This is an international outrage! I want to punch someone in the face! I would punch my cat if I had a cat! I could kill, like, a person.
If I had a sniper rifle right now, I'd go and find a vantage point, squeeze off a clip, take out a couple of grannies.
Drink myself into a stupor and get in a fight with an army man.
Pound my thighs with a camping mallet! Bang my head against a sheet of titanium until I forget my own name! Lock myself into the boot of my car and just scream! Swallow a ping pong ball so I asphyxiate! Bind my hands behind my back and then fall out of the loft! Shave all my hair off and then eat it from a bowl and just weep! Yeah.
I mean, it's not that bad.
KNOCK AT DOOR Great, and now the shopping's here.
This day is so fucked! MEG WEEPS Great, thanks.
Receipt's in the bag, is it? OK, bye.
"Nicky, hurry up.
" "Nicky, hurry up.
Come on.
" Yes, thank you, Megan! I just need to put the shopping away.
"Hurry the fuck up, Nicky!" Right, powdered goods there.
There.
Sauces there.
There.
Bread.
Perfect.
"Guys, it's me! Russell! "I made a new friend.
This is My Mum Died Yesterday.
He's Swiss.
" "Wait.
Your mum died yesterday?" "Whose mum died yesterday?" My mom didn't die yesterday.
My mom died in '08.
"No, that's his name - My Mum Died Yesterday.
It's a joke!" He's mad! He's Swiss! HOOVER HUMS Dance.
Come on, everyone, do the dance.
Russell, mate, no-one dances in Kingdom Scrolls any more.
It's the ultimate dick move.
It's kind of like going to London and wearing a t-shirt that says "I Love London".
But it's fun to dance.
"Precisely! If you want fun, go and play fucking Mario Cart against some pink-haired girl from Japan.
Otherwise, grab a cudgel and shut the fuck up! Right, Meg? Yeah, right, Nicky.
Sorry, can I just ask you something? If you don't enjoy it, why do you still play it? Well, that's the enduring mystery.
It's a commitment I made in error two years ago, which I seem somehow unable to break free from.
I'm a genie in a bottle, and no-one's got a bottle opener.
CLATTERING And now he's stiffed me with a shitty pear.
"Who has?" The algorithm, Meg.
The giant synthetic brain that dictates the flow of my life, because he knows me and he knows I'm going to eat it anyway.
So here's to the algorithm! Long may he reign! Mm! Really revolting! I found a publicity shot of him in a western from 2000.
He looks wrong on a horse.
He just does.
I'm really sorry, Meg.
What's happened? Is everything all right? Not really.
They cast Vince Vaughn in the role of Tanadaal in the Kingdom Scrolls movie.
What's wrong with Vince Vaughn? He's funny.
That movie where he gets the job at Google Because that's what you want for a character who saw his parents burnt at the stake, you want them to be funny.
Nicky, can you We're coming to terms with it.
It's still pretty raw.
Well, I'm sorry.
I know how much these things matter to you and - Excuse me.
"These things"? I didn't mean it like that.
This is the casting of the lead, Alison.
This affects everyone.
And you needn't think you're safe, because they came for the remake of Ghost in the Shell and I said nothing.
Then they came for the Fantastic 4, again, and I said nothing.
And then they came for Kingdom Scrolls.
No.
Sure.
I'm annoyed, too, actually.
Cor, that is so annoying! OK, Alison, you have no idea! Well, I mean, I know what it's like to have things not go your way.
Because remember last year when I went through that really difficult time? Oh, yeah.
God, that was hard! So I socialised and I exercised and I, er, saw that therapist.
You know? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
And I talked about everything and I came through.
My point is, when things get tough, fight back! Anyway KNOCK AT DOOR Hi! Don't wait up! What the fuck is she on about? What really tough time? Not like when she got ill and lost her job? I've got absolutely no idea! Anyway, how is that even the same? Well, what's done is done.
Give it another 20 years and they'll probably do a reboot.
Yep.
Best thing we can do now, hunker down for two decades and wait for the reboot.
You know what, Nicky? We don't have much, you and me, we lead very thin lives, but we have this, and you'd best believe we paid our dues, motherfucker.
Hallelujah.
The days and the weeks and the months spent in the trenches, after all of those whoo girls, the girls at the bar who go "Whoo!" with the thick-rimmed glasses, pretending they play FIFA so they can hoover up all of the hot dick whilst I'm shitting in a bucket, and this is the thanks I get? I get Vince fuck-eyed Vaughn as the lead? Well, I say no more! Now, are you with me or are you gonna bend over and take another mouldy pear up the shitter? Comrade, I would follow you into battle any day, but I think you knew that.
Totally forgot you shat in that bucket.
So badass! THEY CHANT: Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn! Who do we wanna fuck? Vince Vaughn.
Protest.
What's the plan? So, if we get 20,000 signatures, they have to discuss it in the House of Commons.
Apparently Corbyn's a big gamer.
Bullshit! I say we dox him.
Hit him where he lives.
Find the address of his production company, send them a sleeping bag with a turd in it.
Hang on.
Sorry, Meg.
That's meaningless.
And unfeasible! It's entirely feasible.
So, what, you're gonna buy a sleeping bag from Argos, do a turd in it, and then what, get DHL to courier it to LA? It'll take three weeks, probably cost £200.
They'll open it, it won't be Vince, it'll be the nice girl on reception, it's only her second week, she probably won't find the turd, which'll be all shrivelled up anyway from all the air travel, £200 to send a desiccated turd to an intern! It is just nonsense! Guys, guys, come on! Where's the unity? Sorry, Meg.
We need to work together.
We have a shared message.
Yeah.
We repeal Vince Vaughn and replace him with Michael Fassbender.
Fassbender?! What? Do you have any idea how short Fassbender's legs are? I don't know, Nicky, tell me.
24-inch inside leg, and that is on very good authority, and you want him to play the Tall Man of Blackspire? Fine.
Then, who? Cumberbatch.
Oh, you total pussy! "What?" Are you a fucking woman, Nicky? Are you an actual lady with a VW Beetle and a subscription to Grazia magazine? Daddy, Mommy wants you to hold the ladder for her! I'll be right there, honey! Oh, would you lookie here? I seem to have my fingers crossed.
"Good news.
He's on his way! "My Mum Died Yesterday is coming to my house.
He's mad.
He's Swiss.
" "My Mum Died Yesterday is coming to your house?" "Yeah.
We're gonna hang out.
" Mad! Swiss! No.
You don't do that, Russell! You don't invite a man called My Mum Died Yesterday to your house.
Why not? Ugh! Honestly! And I'm sorry but I need to ask, how are you this stupid? Seriously.
Were you raised in the wild by a troupe of feral morons? No, I was raised at home by my mum and Frank.
You don't invite people to your home, Russell.
He's probably gonna kill you.
Did you even check his profile? "How do I do that again?" Control-P.
Nah, I'm sure it's fine because .
.
14's basically an adult, right? He's 14?! "I mean, you can join the army at 14, so "Siri, can you join the army at 14?" Oh, my God, Russell! You just invited a child to come and live with you! Hang on.
He's not coming to live with me.
"Did you even ask his parents? They'll probably think you wanna fuck him.
" "Why would they think that?" "Because that's what people like you do.
" "That's not what people like me do, actually!" "You groomed him, Russell.
This is grooming.
" "I didn't groom him!" I groomed his horse! You groomed his horse? In the stables! We both did! And how is this going to sound when it's read aloud in court? "You groomed a child's horse.
" "Daddy, I can't hold the ladder by myself!" Russell, as a father, I happen to know a thing or two about the welfare of young children.
My point is, you cannot let this boy in your home.
You see this, Meg? Such a noob! It's all cool.
I'll just call him and tell him not to come.
LOUD CLATTERING Honey? "Honey?" Honey? Daddy, Mommy isn't moving! Oh, boy! METAL CLANGS OK, what's this now? I am hitting the statue with my sword.
And I'm going to keep on hitting the statue until such time as they reconsider the casting of Vince Vaughn.
You're clonking.
That's what you're doing.
You're a clonkist.
Pretty effeminate clonking sound, dude.
It's the sound of progress, Usman.
Well, while you've been clonking, I've cut a deal with The Flaming Shitheads.
The Flaming Shitheads? You know the clan, The Flaming Shitheads.
Yes, I know the clan, The Flaming Shitheads.
They're shitheads.
Exactly! They found Vaughn's contact info from the Sony dump.
We've been hounding him.
Oh, Jesus, not the turd in a sleeping bag? Worse! Phone calls, emails.
We're thinking of sending a cardboard coffin to his house filled with horrible drawings.
It's my idea.
I mean, it's unpleasant, but it's effective.
She has a point.
If it's clonking or hounding, I have to go with hounding.
The Flaming Shitheads are racist.
They're a bunch of alt-right freakos.
They purged the entire wetlands because they thought the geese were Jewish.
BIRD CLUCKS Nicky, I don't know how much you know about Nelson Mandela, but I've seen the film and I happen to know he did some pretty questionable things.
He threw a hand grenade at a school bus.
I can remember.
My point is, it's time to fight back! "Yeah, that's it, angel.
Give Mommy the blue one.
" No, the blue one from the bottle on the side.
"She has two of those with a glass of water.
You're doing great baby-cakes.
" How is your wife, Usman? Oh, she's a trooper.
And the girls have really rallied.
Daddy! I can't get the bottle open! You need to push it down and then twist.
"Push and then twist.
"No, twist.
" PILLS RATTLE OK, honey-bunny, now you got it! Those girls never fail to amaze me.
Is that him? OK, that's not him.
Otto's not answering his phone so I'm watching out for him with binoculars.
Right.
So you're trying not to behave like a paedophile by watching young boys through binoculars? God, this is an absolute minefield! I should delete my character and go back to playing hockey.
Sorry, you play hockey? Oh, yeah.
I used to play for England schoolboys.
But then I got really into cocaine.
Then I found Christianity.
Then I found cocaine again.
And then there was an overlap period where I was into cocaine and Jesus.
And then I stopped doing that and then I spent about a year trolling David Attenborough.
Russell, I just found a small boy on the driveway.
Shit.
OK.
HE PANTS Mum, I'm sorry, it was a mistake.
I made friends with him on the game.
I didn't know he was a child.
You need to sort this out.
Look, Mother, I am sorting this out! We need to turn off all the lights and hide until he goes back to Basel.
Bit late for that now, son.
What the? Oh, my God.
What the fuck? You let him in! I couldn't leave him! He's a child, Russell! A Switzerland boy.
I couldn't just turn him away! Oh, my God, you fucking idiot, Mum! No, you're the fucking idiot, son.
I've got to get back to work.
What?! What am I gonna say, "Sorry I'm late, I had to take a boy back to Switzerland?" Mum, don't you dare No! Do not No, Mum! Mother! Mother?! MOTHER?! Oh, Jesus Christ! Russell's got a boy in his room! Dude, I don't want to teach you how to suck eggs, but whatever you do, do not fuck him.
In fact, you should film yourself not fucking him, just in case.
Uh-oh.
Where is he? He's gone.
SHOWER CURTAIN CLOSES WATER RUNS Oh, no.
Oh, Christ, no! He's in the shower! "My Mum Died Yesterday is in my shower!" There's a nude boy in your house.
"He's already nude? What is it with you Europeans?" OK, that's it, you're going to jail.
He hasn't got a towel.
What if he comes out and it's all steamy and he's looking for a towel and he's nude and he bumps into me? You need to get him out of there.
I can't.
He's locked the door! "Lure him out with chocolate.
" What? "I mean it, man!" Get some choc and a piece of string and just lure him on out of there.
Wait! Forget the choc! Bust the door down! "Don't bust the door down!" You can't bang on a nude boy! Just get out! Run! HE WHIMPERS OK, I'm in the garden! "Call the cops.
" "Yeah, but what if they seize his laptop, though?" "The chat logs" "All that talk of having sex with young boys.
" I didn't say that! You said that! "God, this is really tense.
" Will someone tell me what to do?! "Wait, I got it! "No, sorry, it's gone.
OK, you're fucked!" You're on your own, mate.
All on your own with a wet naked child.
I'm kicking him out.
I'm booting him out of the house.
I am.
TENSE MUSIC HE KNOCKS SOFTLY Otto, mate? You need to put your clothes on and leave, please, mate.
"At least half-close your eyes in case you accidentally see him nude.
" SHOWER CURTAIN OPENS I have your bag.
You need to take it and get out.
Oh, no.
His mum died yesterday.
Well, not yesterday but recently.
His mum died! Yeah.
I mean, I guess all the clues were there.
"Jesus, he's an orphan.
" You're his mummy now, Russell.
CLANGING "Oh, hey, Nicky.
" "What the hell is that?" "Oh, it's a likeness of Vince Vaughn.
I made it with Character Creation tools.
"I mean, it looks like Ant McPartlin but I think it does the job.
"We're going to string it up by the cathedral and fire harpoons at it.
"Are you coming?" "You crossed a line.
"That's basically a hate crime.
You're a war criminal!" "Suit yourself.
Come on, boys! "Ha! Right in the tit! "20 gold crowns if you can get him in the goolies.
"Yes!" Have you seen the Twitter? Vince Vaughn's withdrawing from the role.
What? No way? Nicky! Oh, my God, it's true! # Vince Is Mince! The nightmare is over! There's a quote from his PR team.
They said he withdrew from the role due to, quote, "Some of the vicious personal comments online.
" THEY GASP That was me! Some of that was me! Did they mention the clonking at all? This might sound a bit grand, but I've changed the course of human history! I just have! Good for you, Meg! THEY LAUGH He drove his car into a tree.
What was that? Apparently, some guy saw him in a bar looking all sad and then he got into his car and, yeah, ploughed into a tree.
I think he's OK.
He split his head open and lost consciousness for a few minutes.
Mm.
Right.
His daughter's been crying on Instagram.
I think they're sending him to a facility, so he's going to be all right, but still Oh, God! Mm.
What type of tree? Oak.
32 miles per hour.
Pinned to the wheel.
Neighbours reported squealing, apparently.
Squealing? Squealing.
Vince Vaughn was squealing? He was squealing, yes.
The star of The Wedding Crashers, squealing in his Prius.
But I guess that's good for you because now he won't be in your movie.
So, yeah.
Yay! Mm SWEEPING MUSIC "Reports of sustained squealing.
" "So it wasn't just a single squeal, it was sustained.
" "Yep.
All right, Nicky.
" That was you, Meg.
Some of that was you.
Us, Nicky.
Some of that was us.
Sending him a coffin filled with horrible pictures? It was probably the clonking that tipped him over the edge, like a raven pecking on his skull.
Bullshit.
What's clonking ever achieved? All right! Maybe it's the cost of progress.
Because there's always a Hiroshima.
There's always a Dresden.
And that's cool.
Guys, good news.
I asked my mum and she said Otto could stay with us till he gets himself sorted out.
Wow! That's actually really sweet of you.
Can anyone think of something fun to do to cheer him up? You know, because his mum died, didn't she? Actually, there is one thing.
SWEEPING MUSIC You were right, Russell, this actually is fun! Oh! The robot! Oh! MEG LAUGHS I'd just like to remind you that all you're doing is pressing is F4.
Yeah, but I'm doing the robot.
Nicky, stop being such a killjoy.
Get over here.
No, thanks, Meg.
I'd rather eat my own thumbs.
"You'll never guess who they're thinking of casting now.
" Paul Rudd.
WHAT? NO! Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?! I might actually be sick! My hands have gone all tingly! I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up! This is a living, breathing nightmare!