Dead Set s01e02 Episode Script

Big Brother house, this is Davina.
'You are live on Channel 4.
Please do not swear.
' This programme contains scenes of violence and strong language.
- Patrick.
- Thanks, er What's it? - Kelly.
- That's the one.
You got pissed, put your hand in the cookie jar.
You make it sound so innocent.
Riq, it's eviction night.
It's not really a good time.
- Guess who's been mugged.
- Fuck.
Are you all right? They might bump tonight's show.
Because of this shit! (DAVINA) The next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is How'd this happen, Kel? WET CRUNCHING (DAVINA) Pippa! TYRES SCREECH (CHLOE) What's your boyfriend's name again? Your real one, that is.
GROWLING AND SCREAMING What's going on up? SCREAMING GROWLING CRUNCHING GROWLING AND SCREAMING They're going batshit out there.
Danny (KELLY) Something's happening.
Some sort of outbreak.
People get this thing andthey change.
They want to kill you and GROWLING SCREAMING Big Brother ain't watching us.
PANTING - No, go the other way.
- Patrick! Go the other way! SCREAMING SLURPING AND CRUNCHING GRUNTING SCREAMING - Is that Davina? - Sort of.
CHEERING - There's one in there.
- One what? GRUNTING AND SCREAMING In the head! You've gotta get them in the head.
Fucking hell.
STATIC CRACKLING Hello? VOMITING Ha, no, this isn't happening.
No, this is not happening.
And if it is happening, it's not happening to me.
Because that's it, OK? Is this the way out? - No, don't.
No, no.
- No, no.
Hey, you, whoever you are! All right, I don't care if that is part of the programme or not, I am not staying here! Listen! Listen to me.
Calm down.
We're staying here.
Really.
There's got to be somewhere we can go.
Trust me.
Outside, it's a bad idea.
How bad? GROWLING GRUNTING GROWLING Who are they? WET CRUNCHING Her name was Claire.
And they're dead.
Yeah.
GROWLING It's got to be some terrorist bollocks.
They've released some loony gas.
Loony gas? You got a better explanation? The government or army must have tested something they shouldn't.
What? Like GM food or something? Maybe.
Or wi-fi.
God knows what that does to your molecules.
Does this mean we're not on telly any more? Oh, what? Hello? GROWLING THUMPING THUMPING That's not your bag! You shouldn't do that! Stop bleating.
Fucking hell.
How do you turn this thing on? Fucking robot's bollock.
There's no signal.
Let me see.
- There's no signal.
- Give it to me.
- Why? - Because I'm asking, you foetus.
Oh, my God.
You're so rude! SIGHING I think we should stay here until the police come.
Yeah? Why don't you start compiling a book of your fucking theories? GRUNTING GROWLING GRUNTING GROWLING DOORBELL RINGING Fuck off! Fuck off! GROWLING Go on, stick around! GROWLING THUMPING Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, Jesus.
The houmous ones are off.
GROWLING Shut up! Shut it! GROWLING What the? Fuck! I'm not I'm normal! I'm normal! I'm normal! I'm a normal person! I'm a I-I'm standing up.
I'm standing up.
I'm a normalite.
- Are you the police? - Open the door.
DOOR OPENING DOORBELL RINGING Ah, that's disgusting.
- Are you alone in there? - Huh? - Anyone else in there? - No, no, no, no.
Get some fucking supplies.
- What? - Get some fucking supplies! - What? Like water and? - Now! PANTING OK.
Ow! You're gonna be OK.
(KELLY) Before the news went off, it said to barricade your doors.
I don't know how long this will last.
Give us a fag.
Short supply.
You've got 60 stashed under your bed.
Yeah, well, I was saving them for a special occasion.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Where'd you get the gun from? - eBay.
- Really? SCOFFING - Well, where did you drive from? - Clapham.
- I live in Stockwell.
- Not now, you don't.
Is this happening in London and all? - Do you want to get out and walk? - No.
Well, then, be useful.
- I don't know where we're going.
- The coast.
- Which coast? - Whichever's nearest! But I don't know where we are now.
RUMBLING Shh! Oh.
Fuck! ENGINE STALLING Fuck! Well, open the fuckingthe Open the boot thing, fucking bonnet thing.
Come on, hurry up.
DOOR CLOSING - Lift the bonnet.
- Pop it.
Left my tools in the van There's hair and skin and shit in your car.
It's not my car.
I hit one of those things.
Can you fix it? I'm just trying to work out what's wrong with it first, all right? That knocking noise could be it could be water in the distributor.
That's, um GUNSHO Are you sure that was one of those things? No.
Are you fixing that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm on it.
Just, um HISSING GROWLING SIGHING CANS RATTLING I wish you'd stop huffing.
You'll use up all the air! It's not a submarine, you specimen.
- Do you know how air works? - Well, you've just wasted more air! Do you even understand what is going on here? Or is the whole world just colours and shapes and the occasional noise in your head? THUMPING Oh, stay out of it.
GROWLING BURPING BURPING GENTLE MUSIC - It's getting dark.
- I know.
So hurry up.
You know, this whole relentless criticism thing of yours is really fucking sexy.
How am I gonna do this? GROWLING That will attract more of them, so get a move on! - What's happening? - She's going into shock.
She got bitten, not shot.
Get back.
You've done enough.
Come on.
Hold her down.
What? FRENZIED TALKING Hold her down! But she's one of us! She's one of us! OK.
OK.
Should we, um, you know, take her outside? With those things? Fuck off.
We can't do that.
She's dangerous! She's OK while she's still alive.
We need to move her into the greenhouse.
No.
She's in shock! If she dies, she becomes one of them things in here.
Outside, she's trapped.
We're not fucking moving her.
She's right.
We've got to move her.
(KELLY) Come on.
Come on! Shit! Fuck! Look, if you can't fix it You know what? I'm trying to get my head around this whole end-of-the-world thing.
Not my usual environment, so The sooner you come to terms with it, the more chance you have of surviving.
(SCOFFING) I am surviving.
- And it's not easy! - What have you done? You've done nothing.
I've had a van stolen, I been chased by fuck knows, I've hid in a garage while I've been shot at.
At! Have you shot anyone? - Have you had to do that yet? - No.
Have you shot a friend? How about a best friend? Have you done that? Have you? Have you pulled a trigger and seen your best friend's head explode and walked around in a dream with her blood running down your face and in your mouth picking shards of skull from your jumper like cat's teeth? Have you done that? - Have you? - No, I can't say I have.
No.
Right, don't talk to me about surviving until you have! - I won't.
- Good.
- Oh, shit.
- Prick.
GROWLING Whoa, hey, I can hear something.
DISTANT GROWLING SCREAMING AND GROWLING - Oh, shit! - Fuck! GUN FIRING Run! Fuck! GROWLING Fucking hell! Oh, fuck! (WOMAN) Run for the house! GROWLING Hey! Alex! Come on! Fuck! PANTING Oh.
GRUNTING That's for not fixing the car.
I think we should check out the house.
How many bullets have you got left? One.
CLATTERING SMASHING Right.
At least we know we're alone, then.
GROWLING Ooh.
THUMPING Oh, fuck, I need a slash.
- What? - I need a slash.
- Phew.
- But the toilet's out there.
Yeah, I know.
You're not going in here! Just turn your back.
Why don't you hold it in? I've been holding it in.
Just turn away! Oh, my God! That's disgusting! Oh! Oh, my God! It stinks! - Oh, shut up.
- Eugh! Be careful as you put her down.
Tie her up.
Why? A precaution.
Focus on her breathing.
Get your girlfriend out of here.
Look, it's imperative that you keep her alive.
Do you understand? I'm a charge nurse.
Don't tell me.
Can you keep her alive? Can you? Yeah, I can.
But I need more than this shitty first-aid kit! I need haemostatic dressings, epinephrine, morphine.
Basically, I need a pharmacy.
Can you get that? It's my fault.
Angel, stay with me.
GASPING Angel.
DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING You know where we can get that medical stuff from.
If you do, let us know.
Yeah.
If you can get us some of that we might be able to do something.
All right, I do.
I know! Bollocks! Look, it's out there.
Supermarket with all sorts of prescription stuff.
- That's what we need.
- That's perfect.
No, it's not cos it's out there.
How far is it? It's close.
I really wish I didn't know that.
MOANING Through the gates.
It can't be more than a mile.
Used to get the producer's nicotine gum from there.
The lightweight.
We can do that on foot.
It's too risky.
See that van? Yeah.
I've got the keys.
Nice one.
Mmm.
Don't get too excited.
That's part two of the plan.
What's part one? I don't know.
We need to get past these lot first.
- We'll just run for it.
- No, we won't.
Well, we might make it.
- We might think of something else.
- Think of some What was the name of that show with the sheepdogs? - What? One Man And His Dog? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's the one.
I used to love that shit.
WHISTLING WHISTLING Come on! Over here! GROWLING Yeah! Does this house have a back door? GROWLING Yeah.
Come on.
RUNNING FEE SHRIEKING WET CRUNCHING CLANGING WHISTLING AND CLANGING WHISTLING CLANGING (JOPLIN) Here.
Oi, come on over here, you wanker! GROWLING Come on, then! Come on and get me, you decomposing fucks! All right! Come on, then! Come on, then! - If she dies before we're back - Don't If she dies .
.
be sure .
.
through the brain.
You have to.
CLANGING All set? ROARING The gate! The gate! CLANGING ENGINE STARTING (KELLY) Marky! Get in the van, Marky.
Get in the van! - Go! Hurry! Get in it! Hurry! - Shit! Shit! Go! (JOPLIN) Go, go, go! GROWLING (VERONICA) Get in the van, Marky! Hurry up! GRUNTING CLANGING Yes! transcript : chocolate sync : innuit