Death Valley (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
Help Us Help You
How does something that smells so bad taste so good? It's like having a child with me.
- A child with a gun.
- Yeah.
[Panting.]
Hmm.
[Zombies growling.]
Oh, come on! Ugh, on Monday? [Grunts.]
[Screaming.]
[Gunfire.]
[Whimpering.]
[Sighs.]
God.
All right, calm down.
Billy? Yeah? You probably don't remember me, do you? Sss--Stephan-- Jen--driane.
- Lindsay.
- Lindsay! Right! Oh, my God.
How are you, girl? You're such an [bleep.]
.
You didn't even call after we went out.
I'm pretty sure I called you.
No, you texted.
I texted.
That's the same thing.
That is not the same thing, you douche! That's not the same thing.
Do you even remember what we did that night? Well, whatever it was, you don't want to say it in front of this prude.
You took me to Santa Anita to watch the horse race.
- Oh, that's not so bad.
- I didn't wanna go! I just pretended I wanted to go because you wanted to go.
Sounds like you're mad at yourself.
And then you had us sit in the front row, and it smelled like [bleep.]
.
Hey, I don't control horses, Laney.
[Sighs.]
Lindsay! Fine.
Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you.
You're obviously very upset about that.
And I'm sorry you don't like horses.
Why don't we get you back to the station, wash you up, probably wash out that mouth of yours, and get this all taken care of.
Really? You guys are all the same.
There is no way that I am getting in a car with you.
You gotta be frickin' kidding me.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, so you ask me once, and that's it? Way to have perseverance.
You're a real man! That's, like, my life on a daily basis.
Get-- [Screams.]
[Gunfire.]
You are, like, the worst cop ever! Didn't anybody ever train you? Seriously! I'm gonna shoot her if you don't.
- No, I got this.
- [Yelling indistinctly.]
So I can get you fired! [Gunshot.]
One year ago Vampires, werewolves, and zombies Descended upon California's San Fernando valley.
Authorities remain baffled by their origins.
[Punk music.]
I think it's time to put this body in the ground oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh we're losin' all control the buildings all turned to dust and I feel it's gettin' closer 'cause they're coming for us Evening.
Wanna give a warm welcome to officer Pierce who's back with us after a thankfully short stay in the hospital.
And I wanna give a fond farewell to Rodney, our former sound man who bit it in a donut shop Friday night because he was not paying attention.
Didn't know Rodney well.
From what I can tell, he was obviously a natural blonde who smelled like apricots.
He didn't deserve to die that way.
On that note, let's say hello to our new sound man, Roger.
Uh, Jamie, actually.
But, uh Is this thing on? [Chuckling.]
Sound joke.
I'm really excited to be here, you guys.
Kind of an outdoor guy.
I love snowboarding.
If you can't find me, I am definitely on the slopes.
Last order of business.
- Jamie.
- UTF is launching a monster awareness campaign.
You will see these posters around the valley.
Help us, help you.
Don't be A sucker.
Finally, and I think the most important, partners provide protection.
Is that supposed to be gay? Excuse me? She's right, sir.
It does look kinda gay.
- It's not gay.
- It's not not gay.
Yeah, well, I'm married, so obviously, it's not gay.
Guys, gay, straight, Filipino ladyboy It's all just labels anyway, right? We're all God's children.
The lights go down It all feels the same.
Finally, let's get out there and kill something! Oh, yeah! [Grunting.]
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay? - Officer Landry.
Uh, yes, captain.
You doing a little jazzercise, a step class, something like that? Ha.
No.
Actually, it's a pretty brutal workout.
My dad used to be in the military and-- and this country owes him a debt of gratitude.
Let me ask you something.
You ready for a little action tonight? Oh, [Stammers.]
for sure.
- I-I'm more than ready.
- Then take those clothes off and get ready for the ride of your life.
That was misleading.
Put your uniform on, officer Landry.
I'm taking you out on the beat.
Okay.
I'll get ready.
Okay, princess, you're done here.
It's your lucky day.
You caught the captain in a good mood.
If you need to make a call, you can use my phone or the phone on the booking desk.
I don't need to call anyone.
I don't have anyone to call.
You don't want anybody to come get you? I got Mateo killed, okay? No one's coming to get me.
I guess we're driving you home.
- What? - Anybody need to use the can? No.
Hmm.
Well, I do.
So Hang on for a minute.
Look at me like that.
Oh, some teens are beating up a slow walker.
- A zombie? - No.
Just an unusually slow guy.
The man just asked a question.
Yes.
A zombie.
When they've been around too long, they do that Drunk shuffle.
- Yo, that's it right there.
- Whoo! Aah! [Siren wails.]
All right, you guys got nothing better to do tonight than beat up some poor zombie? We were just helping out the cops like it says on the posters.
Listen up, bitches.
The next time you see a zombie you [bleep.]
call us, all right? We just don't go beating on it with a baseball bat.
We take care of it The proper way.
- Uh, John-John.
- What? [Growling.]
Boys: Oh! - John-John! - Huh? Boys: Oh! Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Go homeNow.
Did you see that? I should play professional baseball.
See, I got no problem with the zombies.
They're kind of like a cross between a hobo andpoo.
The vamps The vamps I hate.
They run drugs.
They launder money.
They're heavy into the sex-for-blood trade.
They're kind of like the douche bags of the monster community, if you will.
What about werewolves? - Sad situation, kristen.
- Kirsten.
- Kreskin.
- Kirsten.
Sad situation.
My old partner was a werewolf.
You're kidding.
About a year ago, he was out taking his dog for a squat.
Werewolf attacked them both.
Killed the dog.
Turned my partner.
- Turned him into a werewolf? - That is correct.
And now he's gotta lock himself up every full moon so he doesn't hurt anybody.
- Jeez! - Talked to his wife.
Last full moon, she had her first orgasm.
UhOh All units.
Call for unknown creature trapped in the attic.
Coldwater Canyon near Greenleaf.
- Isn't that right near us? - Yeah, kristen.
It is.
Let's rock and roll.
[Siren wailing.]
You know, Sofia, I gotta tell ya I don't like what's going on with you.
I mean, I got two daughters.
Here.
Check it out.
There's Lucille.
She's five.
And then Tessa, the little one, she just turned three.
I mean, do your parents even know - what's going on with you? - Ha.
Quiet, Billy.
- My brother knows.
- Oh, you told him? His friends did.
I used to date his best friend Rico.
Is he the one that got you into this? You know, you can just drop me off right here.
No, Sofia.
We're gonna take you home.
Where's home? Donde esta home, Sofia? Billy, that's enough.
Where do you live? Anywhere.
Sofia, where's your home? Nowhere.
Look, I'm trying to do you a favor here.
You get caught on blood-for-sex again, it's a mandatory And you will get caught, little girl 'Cause we got cameras at that motel now.
What the hell, Billy? Or maybeWe don't.
Listen, Sofia, you have a chance to turn your life around.
How? I'm a [bleep.]
vampire.
What don't you understand about that? Listen, the way you're going, you're gonna end up in jail Or worse.
I guarantee it.
So you might as well give it a shot.
Why not? [Sighs.]
Okay.
I'll try.
You're just gonna try? You mean it? [Police radio chatter.]
Yes.
Yes, I'll try.
All right.
Cool.
- I think she likes you.
- Billy.
Wow.
I am hungry.
Let's go get a slice of pizza.
Yeah, in a minute.
I wanna see where she's going.
Uh, we got a big, fat weenie in the car.
Are you joking? You guys stay close, all right? Carla.
What the funk? Come on, man! I know y'all think this is fun and games, but one of you "Meet the Fockers" is gonna get hurt.
"Meet the Fockers"? - TV crew says I curse too much.
- Yeah, I'm just not sure how much we can bleep, to be totally honest, so What the hell you think you doing? Just helping out the UTF, man.
Just helping you help us Help you.
Man, you talk a pretty tough game, beating up slow walkers.
Let's see how tough you are when some freshie comes after you and tears you up like a spare rib.
When what does what? Fresh zombies.
Right after they get bit, they're like attack dogs.
That's right.
The only reason why this guy's got a job is because the jackass before him wasn't paying attention and got bit.
Sorry, man.
Real talk.
Yeah, no.
Keep that real with me.
Is anybody still confused about what's going on? Great.
Now, back the [bleep.]
up.
Slug-in-a-ditch! - You're welcome.
- Oh, no worries.
And say hey to the gay cops when you see 'em.
They're not gay! They just look gay.
- Nice neighborhood.
- Yes, it is.
[Doorbell chimes.]
Good evening.
I'm officer Dashell.
Hi.
Thanks for getting here so quickly.
I'm Aaron, by the way.
This is my wife Vanessa.
Hi.
Yes.
Lovely home you have here.
Thanks.
Yeah, we just moved in.
Sorry about all the boxes all over the place.
Not at all.
What seems to be the problem? Well, we were just about to go to bed, and our dog kinda won't stop barking at the attic, and we think something's up there.
We don't know if it's an animal or a person.
But I've been seeing your posters around town, so I thought we should give you a call.
Did the right thing.
Where's the dog now? Oh, he's in the backyard, so he won't bother you.
- What kinda dog? - Wheaten terrier.
Ah.
Wheatens.
Effective man-stoppers.
Sturdy.
Bright.
Good little pooches.
- Shall we? - Yes! - Great.
- Aaron.
This is my partner officer Landry.
Hi.
Pleasure to meet you.
When I say partner, of course, I mean that in a professional sense.
It would be inappropriate for me to enjoy a romantic relationship with a female officer or a male officer, for that matter.
You spend so many long hours together, you play games, tell each other secrets Become so familiar, even addicted to their smell.
Like I said Partners.
Okay.
Um Let me just get the latch open.
Cover me, Landry.
Cover me.
[Clicks tongue.]
Oh, yeah.
I see him.
Got yourself a roof rat.
Huh? Yep.
A roof rat.
Problem is, that's an animal control issue.
UTFWe're a little busy catching actual monsters.
Uh, no, I understand.
Yeah, I guess we'll call animal control.
But couldn't we take care of it anyways? I mean It's just a rat, right? Okey-dokey.
Let's do this.
Okay, ratty rat rat rat.
Here, ratty rat rat rat-- - [squeaking.]
- Aah! - Oh! - Ah! [Rat squeaking.]
You want a fight? I'll give you a fight.
Landry, let's go! Well, spit in my salad.
Same goddamn motel! I can't believe it.
Actually, you know what? I do believe it.
- 'Cause she's a whore.
- Don't say that.
Hey! Don't romanticize it, Stu.
She's a whore and a vampire and a prostitute.
And that's all she's ever gonna be.
Yeah, well, once upon a timeShe wasn't.
Once upon a time.
What, are we in fairy-tale land now? Yes.
You think every homeless guy starts out homeless? - Yes.
- No, you don't.
You think everybody in a wheelchair - starts out in a wheelchair? - Be funny if they did.
No, it wouldn't.
It would be tragic.
It's a lot of things.
It's life, it's luck, it's-- Both: Parenting.
- Jinx.
- I refuse your jinx.
- You cannot reject a jinx.
That's the point of a jinx.
There's jinx rules.
They're-- We are in the valley.
Are we gonna sit here and solve the whole world's problems or are we gonna go bust that vampire whore? Not yet.
We gotta catch her in the act if we wanna bring her in.
I can catch her in the act.
Don't say it like that.
Magic.
[Siren whoops.]
All right, let's go.
Jesus.
You gotta be kidding me.
Dude, didn't we just tell these kids to leave? Yeah.
I thought so.
You again? I thought I told you guys to stay outta trouble.
Raaaaah! Okay, I got him! He's under the couch! Secure the perimeter.
I want every exit sealed off.
You understand me? - Do something! - They are the professionals.
- What? - Oh, captain, if you close that - the flue's gonna-- - I got it, it's okay.
Now, listen to me.
It's gonna come down to who wants this more.
Do you understand what that means? Go--go get it! All right! Come to papa, you son of a bitch! [Alarm blaring, Vanessa coughing.]
The rat is gonna make a break for it.
Get ready to do some killing! Come on out, you glorified squirrel! [Both grunting.]
[John-John yelling and swearing.]
[Clicking.]
[Snarling.]
- John-John! - Batting cages.
Behind you.
Oh! [Mouthing words.]
You should have listened, kid.
- You get bit? - No.
Nice.
Maybe if we pick up the couch-- I can't hear you! You have to speak-- Aah! Aah! No! Ow! - Oh, my God! - [Bleep.]
- My nose! - Hey, look.
Breathe into that.
Okay, look at me! Breathe into that! Breathe into that! He's by the window! Aah! I got him! I got him! Burn, vermin! Burn! Hey! Move! - I got him! - Oh, my God.
WellI don't think that little fellow's gonna be bothering anybody any time soon.
[Alarm continues.]
Don't! Oh, my God.
He is a big effer.
- Is that her pimp? - I mean, it must be.
If it were her John, wouldn't he be having sex with her, right? Not necessarily.
I mean, he could just be getting a slippery Pete or a Lindsay Lo-- I don't need the technicalities.
It's really whatever you're into.
Whatever he's into.
Ah, what the hell.
- Maybe it is a John.
- Or it's her pimp.
And he's gonna have sex with her anyway? If I was a pimp, I would totally have sex with my whores.
Ah, Jesus Christ, Billy.
You kiss your mother with that mouth? I French kiss my mother with this mouth.
- You're disgusting.
- I'm just kidding.
- She's not that hot.
- What? I'm kidding.
She is pretty hot.
- I want a new partner.
- Let's get back - to police protocol.
- Ugh.
I can't watch this.
That's okay.
I'll describe the good parts for you.
- Don't.
- Okay, he's on top of her.
Oh! There goes the belt.
Wait a minute.
Oh, it looks like she's into the choke-- [gasps.]
choking thing.
What? Ser--is that what he's doing to her? He's choking her.
Her legs are flailing! Trust me.
She is not into this.
Let's go! Where'd everybody go? Think it's a serta? - Was she under there? - No.
Figures.
Billy.
Bathroom.
I just went.
Oh.
[Whispering.]
Cover me! Aw, jeez.
God damn it! [Glass shatters.]
Freeze! I see him, Stu! No luck, man.
Stu, listen to me Sorry about you know.
Yeah, we can't save the world, though.
No, we can't.
Listen, don't you have Don't your kids have to be up in like three hours.
Yeah, I usually make Lucile lunch.
I love that about you, man.
Let's get you some sleep.
You can make them peanutbutter sandwhiches.
Almandbutter.
- What? One kid in school is allergic to peanuts.
Nobody can bring peanutbutter.
That is Bul[bleep.]
.
- Yeah, man.
One kid, huh? - One kid.
Where does he live? Van Nuys.
- Let's go.
Four bloodmobiles were hijacked within a 10 mile radius of this station.
Do you remember what we talked about? Officer Landrey, I have a special assignment for you.
I am very comfortable at this way Amber - Enrico.
Where is the ammo Go out there and find my bloodmobiles!
- A child with a gun.
- Yeah.
[Panting.]
Hmm.
[Zombies growling.]
Oh, come on! Ugh, on Monday? [Grunts.]
[Screaming.]
[Gunfire.]
[Whimpering.]
[Sighs.]
God.
All right, calm down.
Billy? Yeah? You probably don't remember me, do you? Sss--Stephan-- Jen--driane.
- Lindsay.
- Lindsay! Right! Oh, my God.
How are you, girl? You're such an [bleep.]
.
You didn't even call after we went out.
I'm pretty sure I called you.
No, you texted.
I texted.
That's the same thing.
That is not the same thing, you douche! That's not the same thing.
Do you even remember what we did that night? Well, whatever it was, you don't want to say it in front of this prude.
You took me to Santa Anita to watch the horse race.
- Oh, that's not so bad.
- I didn't wanna go! I just pretended I wanted to go because you wanted to go.
Sounds like you're mad at yourself.
And then you had us sit in the front row, and it smelled like [bleep.]
.
Hey, I don't control horses, Laney.
[Sighs.]
Lindsay! Fine.
Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you.
You're obviously very upset about that.
And I'm sorry you don't like horses.
Why don't we get you back to the station, wash you up, probably wash out that mouth of yours, and get this all taken care of.
Really? You guys are all the same.
There is no way that I am getting in a car with you.
You gotta be frickin' kidding me.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, so you ask me once, and that's it? Way to have perseverance.
You're a real man! That's, like, my life on a daily basis.
Get-- [Screams.]
[Gunfire.]
You are, like, the worst cop ever! Didn't anybody ever train you? Seriously! I'm gonna shoot her if you don't.
- No, I got this.
- [Yelling indistinctly.]
So I can get you fired! [Gunshot.]
One year ago Vampires, werewolves, and zombies Descended upon California's San Fernando valley.
Authorities remain baffled by their origins.
[Punk music.]
I think it's time to put this body in the ground oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh we're losin' all control the buildings all turned to dust and I feel it's gettin' closer 'cause they're coming for us Evening.
Wanna give a warm welcome to officer Pierce who's back with us after a thankfully short stay in the hospital.
And I wanna give a fond farewell to Rodney, our former sound man who bit it in a donut shop Friday night because he was not paying attention.
Didn't know Rodney well.
From what I can tell, he was obviously a natural blonde who smelled like apricots.
He didn't deserve to die that way.
On that note, let's say hello to our new sound man, Roger.
Uh, Jamie, actually.
But, uh Is this thing on? [Chuckling.]
Sound joke.
I'm really excited to be here, you guys.
Kind of an outdoor guy.
I love snowboarding.
If you can't find me, I am definitely on the slopes.
Last order of business.
- Jamie.
- UTF is launching a monster awareness campaign.
You will see these posters around the valley.
Help us, help you.
Don't be A sucker.
Finally, and I think the most important, partners provide protection.
Is that supposed to be gay? Excuse me? She's right, sir.
It does look kinda gay.
- It's not gay.
- It's not not gay.
Yeah, well, I'm married, so obviously, it's not gay.
Guys, gay, straight, Filipino ladyboy It's all just labels anyway, right? We're all God's children.
The lights go down It all feels the same.
Finally, let's get out there and kill something! Oh, yeah! [Grunting.]
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay? - Officer Landry.
Uh, yes, captain.
You doing a little jazzercise, a step class, something like that? Ha.
No.
Actually, it's a pretty brutal workout.
My dad used to be in the military and-- and this country owes him a debt of gratitude.
Let me ask you something.
You ready for a little action tonight? Oh, [Stammers.]
for sure.
- I-I'm more than ready.
- Then take those clothes off and get ready for the ride of your life.
That was misleading.
Put your uniform on, officer Landry.
I'm taking you out on the beat.
Okay.
I'll get ready.
Okay, princess, you're done here.
It's your lucky day.
You caught the captain in a good mood.
If you need to make a call, you can use my phone or the phone on the booking desk.
I don't need to call anyone.
I don't have anyone to call.
You don't want anybody to come get you? I got Mateo killed, okay? No one's coming to get me.
I guess we're driving you home.
- What? - Anybody need to use the can? No.
Hmm.
Well, I do.
So Hang on for a minute.
Look at me like that.
Oh, some teens are beating up a slow walker.
- A zombie? - No.
Just an unusually slow guy.
The man just asked a question.
Yes.
A zombie.
When they've been around too long, they do that Drunk shuffle.
- Yo, that's it right there.
- Whoo! Aah! [Siren wails.]
All right, you guys got nothing better to do tonight than beat up some poor zombie? We were just helping out the cops like it says on the posters.
Listen up, bitches.
The next time you see a zombie you [bleep.]
call us, all right? We just don't go beating on it with a baseball bat.
We take care of it The proper way.
- Uh, John-John.
- What? [Growling.]
Boys: Oh! - John-John! - Huh? Boys: Oh! Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Go homeNow.
Did you see that? I should play professional baseball.
See, I got no problem with the zombies.
They're kind of like a cross between a hobo andpoo.
The vamps The vamps I hate.
They run drugs.
They launder money.
They're heavy into the sex-for-blood trade.
They're kind of like the douche bags of the monster community, if you will.
What about werewolves? - Sad situation, kristen.
- Kirsten.
- Kreskin.
- Kirsten.
Sad situation.
My old partner was a werewolf.
You're kidding.
About a year ago, he was out taking his dog for a squat.
Werewolf attacked them both.
Killed the dog.
Turned my partner.
- Turned him into a werewolf? - That is correct.
And now he's gotta lock himself up every full moon so he doesn't hurt anybody.
- Jeez! - Talked to his wife.
Last full moon, she had her first orgasm.
UhOh All units.
Call for unknown creature trapped in the attic.
Coldwater Canyon near Greenleaf.
- Isn't that right near us? - Yeah, kristen.
It is.
Let's rock and roll.
[Siren wailing.]
You know, Sofia, I gotta tell ya I don't like what's going on with you.
I mean, I got two daughters.
Here.
Check it out.
There's Lucille.
She's five.
And then Tessa, the little one, she just turned three.
I mean, do your parents even know - what's going on with you? - Ha.
Quiet, Billy.
- My brother knows.
- Oh, you told him? His friends did.
I used to date his best friend Rico.
Is he the one that got you into this? You know, you can just drop me off right here.
No, Sofia.
We're gonna take you home.
Where's home? Donde esta home, Sofia? Billy, that's enough.
Where do you live? Anywhere.
Sofia, where's your home? Nowhere.
Look, I'm trying to do you a favor here.
You get caught on blood-for-sex again, it's a mandatory And you will get caught, little girl 'Cause we got cameras at that motel now.
What the hell, Billy? Or maybeWe don't.
Listen, Sofia, you have a chance to turn your life around.
How? I'm a [bleep.]
vampire.
What don't you understand about that? Listen, the way you're going, you're gonna end up in jail Or worse.
I guarantee it.
So you might as well give it a shot.
Why not? [Sighs.]
Okay.
I'll try.
You're just gonna try? You mean it? [Police radio chatter.]
Yes.
Yes, I'll try.
All right.
Cool.
- I think she likes you.
- Billy.
Wow.
I am hungry.
Let's go get a slice of pizza.
Yeah, in a minute.
I wanna see where she's going.
Uh, we got a big, fat weenie in the car.
Are you joking? You guys stay close, all right? Carla.
What the funk? Come on, man! I know y'all think this is fun and games, but one of you "Meet the Fockers" is gonna get hurt.
"Meet the Fockers"? - TV crew says I curse too much.
- Yeah, I'm just not sure how much we can bleep, to be totally honest, so What the hell you think you doing? Just helping out the UTF, man.
Just helping you help us Help you.
Man, you talk a pretty tough game, beating up slow walkers.
Let's see how tough you are when some freshie comes after you and tears you up like a spare rib.
When what does what? Fresh zombies.
Right after they get bit, they're like attack dogs.
That's right.
The only reason why this guy's got a job is because the jackass before him wasn't paying attention and got bit.
Sorry, man.
Real talk.
Yeah, no.
Keep that real with me.
Is anybody still confused about what's going on? Great.
Now, back the [bleep.]
up.
Slug-in-a-ditch! - You're welcome.
- Oh, no worries.
And say hey to the gay cops when you see 'em.
They're not gay! They just look gay.
- Nice neighborhood.
- Yes, it is.
[Doorbell chimes.]
Good evening.
I'm officer Dashell.
Hi.
Thanks for getting here so quickly.
I'm Aaron, by the way.
This is my wife Vanessa.
Hi.
Yes.
Lovely home you have here.
Thanks.
Yeah, we just moved in.
Sorry about all the boxes all over the place.
Not at all.
What seems to be the problem? Well, we were just about to go to bed, and our dog kinda won't stop barking at the attic, and we think something's up there.
We don't know if it's an animal or a person.
But I've been seeing your posters around town, so I thought we should give you a call.
Did the right thing.
Where's the dog now? Oh, he's in the backyard, so he won't bother you.
- What kinda dog? - Wheaten terrier.
Ah.
Wheatens.
Effective man-stoppers.
Sturdy.
Bright.
Good little pooches.
- Shall we? - Yes! - Great.
- Aaron.
This is my partner officer Landry.
Hi.
Pleasure to meet you.
When I say partner, of course, I mean that in a professional sense.
It would be inappropriate for me to enjoy a romantic relationship with a female officer or a male officer, for that matter.
You spend so many long hours together, you play games, tell each other secrets Become so familiar, even addicted to their smell.
Like I said Partners.
Okay.
Um Let me just get the latch open.
Cover me, Landry.
Cover me.
[Clicks tongue.]
Oh, yeah.
I see him.
Got yourself a roof rat.
Huh? Yep.
A roof rat.
Problem is, that's an animal control issue.
UTFWe're a little busy catching actual monsters.
Uh, no, I understand.
Yeah, I guess we'll call animal control.
But couldn't we take care of it anyways? I mean It's just a rat, right? Okey-dokey.
Let's do this.
Okay, ratty rat rat rat.
Here, ratty rat rat rat-- - [squeaking.]
- Aah! - Oh! - Ah! [Rat squeaking.]
You want a fight? I'll give you a fight.
Landry, let's go! Well, spit in my salad.
Same goddamn motel! I can't believe it.
Actually, you know what? I do believe it.
- 'Cause she's a whore.
- Don't say that.
Hey! Don't romanticize it, Stu.
She's a whore and a vampire and a prostitute.
And that's all she's ever gonna be.
Yeah, well, once upon a timeShe wasn't.
Once upon a time.
What, are we in fairy-tale land now? Yes.
You think every homeless guy starts out homeless? - Yes.
- No, you don't.
You think everybody in a wheelchair - starts out in a wheelchair? - Be funny if they did.
No, it wouldn't.
It would be tragic.
It's a lot of things.
It's life, it's luck, it's-- Both: Parenting.
- Jinx.
- I refuse your jinx.
- You cannot reject a jinx.
That's the point of a jinx.
There's jinx rules.
They're-- We are in the valley.
Are we gonna sit here and solve the whole world's problems or are we gonna go bust that vampire whore? Not yet.
We gotta catch her in the act if we wanna bring her in.
I can catch her in the act.
Don't say it like that.
Magic.
[Siren whoops.]
All right, let's go.
Jesus.
You gotta be kidding me.
Dude, didn't we just tell these kids to leave? Yeah.
I thought so.
You again? I thought I told you guys to stay outta trouble.
Raaaaah! Okay, I got him! He's under the couch! Secure the perimeter.
I want every exit sealed off.
You understand me? - Do something! - They are the professionals.
- What? - Oh, captain, if you close that - the flue's gonna-- - I got it, it's okay.
Now, listen to me.
It's gonna come down to who wants this more.
Do you understand what that means? Go--go get it! All right! Come to papa, you son of a bitch! [Alarm blaring, Vanessa coughing.]
The rat is gonna make a break for it.
Get ready to do some killing! Come on out, you glorified squirrel! [Both grunting.]
[John-John yelling and swearing.]
[Clicking.]
[Snarling.]
- John-John! - Batting cages.
Behind you.
Oh! [Mouthing words.]
You should have listened, kid.
- You get bit? - No.
Nice.
Maybe if we pick up the couch-- I can't hear you! You have to speak-- Aah! Aah! No! Ow! - Oh, my God! - [Bleep.]
- My nose! - Hey, look.
Breathe into that.
Okay, look at me! Breathe into that! Breathe into that! He's by the window! Aah! I got him! I got him! Burn, vermin! Burn! Hey! Move! - I got him! - Oh, my God.
WellI don't think that little fellow's gonna be bothering anybody any time soon.
[Alarm continues.]
Don't! Oh, my God.
He is a big effer.
- Is that her pimp? - I mean, it must be.
If it were her John, wouldn't he be having sex with her, right? Not necessarily.
I mean, he could just be getting a slippery Pete or a Lindsay Lo-- I don't need the technicalities.
It's really whatever you're into.
Whatever he's into.
Ah, what the hell.
- Maybe it is a John.
- Or it's her pimp.
And he's gonna have sex with her anyway? If I was a pimp, I would totally have sex with my whores.
Ah, Jesus Christ, Billy.
You kiss your mother with that mouth? I French kiss my mother with this mouth.
- You're disgusting.
- I'm just kidding.
- She's not that hot.
- What? I'm kidding.
She is pretty hot.
- I want a new partner.
- Let's get back - to police protocol.
- Ugh.
I can't watch this.
That's okay.
I'll describe the good parts for you.
- Don't.
- Okay, he's on top of her.
Oh! There goes the belt.
Wait a minute.
Oh, it looks like she's into the choke-- [gasps.]
choking thing.
What? Ser--is that what he's doing to her? He's choking her.
Her legs are flailing! Trust me.
She is not into this.
Let's go! Where'd everybody go? Think it's a serta? - Was she under there? - No.
Figures.
Billy.
Bathroom.
I just went.
Oh.
[Whispering.]
Cover me! Aw, jeez.
God damn it! [Glass shatters.]
Freeze! I see him, Stu! No luck, man.
Stu, listen to me Sorry about you know.
Yeah, we can't save the world, though.
No, we can't.
Listen, don't you have Don't your kids have to be up in like three hours.
Yeah, I usually make Lucile lunch.
I love that about you, man.
Let's get you some sleep.
You can make them peanutbutter sandwhiches.
Almandbutter.
- What? One kid in school is allergic to peanuts.
Nobody can bring peanutbutter.
That is Bul[bleep.]
.
- Yeah, man.
One kid, huh? - One kid.
Where does he live? Van Nuys.
- Let's go.
Four bloodmobiles were hijacked within a 10 mile radius of this station.
Do you remember what we talked about? Officer Landrey, I have a special assignment for you.
I am very comfortable at this way Amber - Enrico.
Where is the ammo Go out there and find my bloodmobiles!