Derek s01e02 Episode Script

1 Having a party.
It's my birthday, I can choose the food and the songs, can't I? And the music we put on? Can I choose my presents? Well, no, cos then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? Ripped By mstoll I know what you want for your birthday, mate.
- What? - Wanna pop your cherry, don't ya? - What? - I say, I know what he wants for his birthday.
He needs to pop his cherry, don't he, boys? What's that? What's "pop your cherry"? - Think.
- No.
What've you got that looks like a cherry needs popping? End of your knob, mate! Looks like a cherry, don't it? Needs popping, up a woman.
Innit, boys? The end of his knob looks like a cherry needs popping up a woman, yeah? I've got an old walnut if anybody's interested.
DOUGIE: Suddenly, ike, Derek's 50.
He's older than me.
Do you know how much older? Ten years.
He's ten years older than me.
You'd n You'd never guess.
And that niggles away at me a little bit.
He's ten years older, but he's younger in the head, you see.
No stress.
- Music Robbie Williams - Yep.
JLS, Susan Boyle, Stacey Solomon.
That reminds me.
Erm, sausage rolls, vol-au-vents, chicken kievs, mini quiches Hang on a minute, Derek, slow down a minute.
Sausage rolls (LOUD FART) (WET FART) Eurgh! Just shat myself.
Meeting's over.
- Fucking hell.
- You're disgusting.
- Fucking dis - Let me have the keys to the flat.
Change the old trousers.
See you, guys.
DOUGIE: Interesting circle of friends, haven't I, eh? It's weird, cos I'm not proud of me, you know, me own life.
I haven't done anything special.
I haven't sort of achieved anything, but I can say, on me mother's life, I have never shat me pants.
There's a new lady starting work here today.
Well, she's not starting work here, she"s got to do community service cos she broke the law.
Nothing bad, she didn't hurt a baby or an animal or anything like that, but now she just has to work here to say sorry for what she did.
Li Lizzie, why are you standing there? Where? - There.
- Where? There, where you're standing, you're standing there.
- Am I? - Y Yeah.
Go and sit down, Lizzie.
Go and sit down.
That's it.
Yeah, when there's a lot of community service people Why are you filming her now? I was talking.
LIZZIE: What? I'm not talking to you.
- Who? - You.
It's ridiculous.
I'll show her round, l"ll show her round.
I'll show her round.
- OK, this is Derek - Hello.
Hello.
Vicky.
This is Vicky.
- Hello, Vicky.
Hello.
OK, you show her round and introduce her to some residents, then I'm going to show her - some proper work to get on with.
- Yeah, I'll show them round, yeah.
He loves showing the community service workers around.
I got caught nicking shoes from the shop I worked in.
Nah, there's definitely nothing to nick here.
It smells funny as well.
I'll go round spraying my Intimately Beckham everywhere, stops you feeling sick.
That's Victoria Beckham's perfume.
I think it's funny, like, she's called Victoria, I'm called Victoria, and we both turned out posh, like And hair and handbags and that, you know what I mean? This is Kev, my mate.
He's not a resident here, too young.
Arthur and Jack.
Jack, he likes jokes, don't you? He likes jokes.
And if you likes jokes with swearing and what are racist, then Arthur's your man.
All right? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Come on, next.
This is Joe and Silo.
- Is he asleep? - I hope so.
KEV: All right, Derek? - What? - Want a joke, mate? - Go on.
- Right.
- Bloke walks into the doctor's - Who? - What? - What bloke? It doesn't matter what bloke, it'sjust a joke.
Bloke walks into the doctor's, said, "I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains" - Is it a stroke? - What? Sometimes with a stroke, you think things that aren't there, like, "Oh, I can smell burning toast.
" There isn't any toast It's not a bloody stroke, mate! - Go on.
- Focus, please, on the joke.
- Bloke walks into the doctor's - Yeah.
says, "I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
" And the doctor says, "Pull yourself together, then.
" Nervous breakdown? - Forget it.
- Alzheimer's? - Forget it! - Alzheimer's.
- Forget the joke, mate.
- No, he means pull yourself together Yeah, like a pair of curtains.
Yeah.
I pretend to not getjokes cos it really annoys him.
Right, let's get you all sorted.
Oh, nice.
(WHISPERS) It's not that bad.
What do you do normally, then? What do you mean? For like a job? I ain't got a job, have I? I got caught nicking shoes.
Well, is this something you'd like to do? I thought I had to do it? No, I mean for like a career or something? Nah.
Well, what would you like to do, then? Dunno.
Kardashians and that.
Brilliant.
Right, let's get you started.
Why've you got a haircut like a paedophile? Good point.
When are you opening your salon again? Oh, why is everyone weird in here? DOUGIE: I know it's not a great hairstye, it's not a style, I don't style it ike this.
This is how it is.
What I find strange is the way it's never come into fashion.
You know, when you think of all the different things that have come and gone - platform shoes and ong sideburns, dungarees, this.
this has never been picked up.
No heart-throb in a Hollywood film has ever had this, and I just feel like that that just sums it up, don't it? That's I'm sort of unlucky in life.
I've got a shit haircut, forget it, you're not gonna get anywhere.
Yeah, I'd shave it off or wear a wig if I was you.
And what difference would it make to me life? - (VICKY SCOFFS) - DOUGIE: Seriously.
Your head would be warmer.
Good point.
Well, the bedrooms arejust through this way.
You're gonna help me make some beds.
Oh, that's nasty! Do you have to touch anything? Well, yeah.
Do you wear gloves? What? To change beds? Yeah, but old-people bed, though.
Well, I I think it's better to save the gloves for when you're doing the urinals, otherwise you don't really feel the benefit.
Fuck's sake! Do you answer your parents back like that? Nothing to answer back to, we don't talk too much.
Well, did you used to talk to your teachers like that, then? Yeah, all the time - dickheads.
Except for Mr Matthews.
He was quite fit.
But I didn"t really go to school much anyway.
Well, I didn't do that well at school, really, you know.
You can learn loads of stuff outside of school.
You're never too old to learn something.
Do you read? Yeah.
Wh What do you read? Twitter.
Well, OK HANNAH: She's not a bad kid, you know, she's just never been tod she'd amount to anything, she's never had any role modes, like teachers and authority figures.
It's a ceebrities now, innit, and footballers' wives? Still, you know, I wouldn't mind a bit of David Beckham, so long as he didn't speak.
Wouldn't want him to speak.
He'd be mute.
A mute Beckham would be lovely.
Oh, fuck They're having a laugh, in"t they? That is disgusting! Looks like it could still bite me hand off.
(SIGHS) Well, where do you get your nails done? Did 'em myself.
Really? Yeah, duh! You're cleverer than me.
Well, you can't be very clever, then, cos I'm thick.
Don't think a thick person could do art.
Tea? Oh, yeah, how do you want it? No, I meant do you want a cup of tea? Sorry, you're busy.
Oh, yeah, please.
How do you take it? - Er, two sugars.
- OK.
- Have you got a boyfriend? - No, not at the moment.
Not at the moment, no.
- Have you? - No.
(LAUGHS) Anyone takes your fancy in here? Not really, no.
Really? Oh, I dunno.
No, my husband died when he was quite young, and I never really found anybody else, you know Oh, hang on, Lizzie, let me Let me 50 years old.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe I'm 50.
Well, 50's young.
I mean, 50's the new 40.
Yep.
- 60's the new 50 - Yep.
and 70's the new 60.
JACK: What's 80? 80's still 80, you're fucked.
EDNA: What about 90? You don't have to worry about that.
Lizzie's 80, ain't ya? Lizzie? You're 80.
Am I? DEREK: Yep.
(QUIETLY) Oi, why don't you take Derek down the library now, a bit early, so I can make his birthday cake? - Now? - Yeah.
What? Just saying, maybe go down the library a bit early.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Yeah, get some books out.
See you later, then.
- See you later.
- Bye.
- We need Kev.
- We don't need Kev.
- What? - We don't need Kev.
You should never say that.
We don't need Kev for anything.
He's never needed for anything.
It's a sentence that should never be said.
- Kev? - Kev isn't needed, leave him! Kev, coming to the library? We're going to the library.
Take some books back, get some books out.
Once a week, and then read them, bring 'em back, take 'em back out again, innit? Dougie takes us to the library, don't you? It's just to get them out the home, really.
Some of them don't even bother getting a book.
Hannah says, you know, "Get 'em out, give 'em a bit of fresh air.
" Which is funny, really.
When you're stuck on a bus with Kev, you're getting very little fresh air.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait for everyone.
(HORN BEEPS) Old people here.
DOUGIE: Some of them get books, some don't.
Somejust come here to sit down and nod off.
They might as well be back in the home.
But then again, you know, when you're their age, are you really going to start reading books? They might not get through it.
Anyway, I don't know what's if there's any books aimed at the old.
It's all autobiographies, innit? Justin Bieber's just brought one out.
You know him? Only about 12.
Got an autobiography out.
Full chapter about how he blow-dries his hair.
Cooking books.
How many cooking books do we need? You go into WH Smith and look at the book charts - every one of them's a cook book, and they wonder why the country's getting fat.
Kev comes along, I don't know what he comes here for.
Well, I do know what he comes here for.
He's looking for nudity.
If there's a book in here with nudity in it, he finds it.
Amateur photography.
I can guarantee she'll be in black and white with her kit off by page ten.
Tits.
Bingo.
Hello, love.
Can I get that out, please? You can't take magazines out, I'm afraid.
OK.
Well, you got a toilet? Upstairs.
Smashing.
No shame whatsoever, has he? Now look at Derek - I'll bet you he's looking at a book with cats in.
Every time he comes here, the same book, the same cats.
He's fascinated by it.
It's kittens, my favourite.
I loves 'em, I wants to But you've got to be careful, cos you want to squeeze 'em, but you've got to be careful.
And I likes old cats, I likes all the ones in-between.
Look, it's all cats.
(GASPS) Boss-eyed! I loves boss-eyed cats.
Er (GASPS) Look, that's what a cat looks like inside.
I've seen that in the road before.
Except that wasn't It was over there.
ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Derek Happy birthday to you.
Thank you.
Hot.
It's hot.
Go on, blow them out.
- Yeah! - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Is that my presents? - Yeah.
- Shall I open them? - I'll get a knife for the cake.
Yeah.
Everyone's got to have a bit of cake.
( JLS: Beat Again) Let's just get back together We shoud have never broke up They're teing me that my heart won't beat again We should have stayed together - Spot Garden Birds.
- (MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH) Long-tailed tit.
He's only saying that to say "tit'".
Thank you.
If I died Yeah, woud you come to my funeral? Woud you cry? Woud you fee some regret that we didn't try? Or woud you fall apart the same as I? I.
I I.
And would it aways haunt you, baby? I'vejust been filling in your assessment form.
So how do you think you're getting on? - Yeah, it's all right.
- Yeah? I put, "Victoria is a real asset, '"she learns quickly and she gets on with everyone, "and the residents love her, "and she's clearly a smart and conscientious young lady.
"Ten out of ten for effort.
" (MUSIC PLAYS IN ANOTHER ROOM) Oh, what's the matter, darling? Oh, I've just never got ten out of ten for anything before.
Oh, that's silly.
Everything's not a test.
I'll bet you're brilliant at loads of stuff! No-one's ever been this nice to me before either.
Oh.
Well, you're rubbish, then(!) How's that? That's better.
It's not just you, it's everything.
Just It's just nice being here.
I don't think I've ever been in a nice place before.
Well, how does that feel? Yeah, I like it.
Oh, come here, don't be silly.
There you are.
Oh, I feel like a right div now.
(MUSIC PLAYS) Um, I was wondering if maybe I could, I dunno, come back next week? What, as a volunteer? - Yeah.
- Yeah, that'd be brilliant! - Yeah? - Yes! - All right.
- Excellent! ( ROBBIE WILLIAMS: Let Me Entertain You) Let me entertain you Let me entertain you Life's too short for you to die So grab yourself an aibi Heaven knows your mother ied Mon cher Separate your right from wrongs Come and sing a different song The kette's on so don't be ong Mon cher So come on, et me entertain you Let me entertain you Look me up in the Yellow Pages I will be your rock of ages Your see-through fads and your crazy phases, yeah Litte Bo Peep has ost his sheep He popped a pill and fell aseep The dew is wet but the grass is sweet, my dear Your mind gets burned with the habits you've learned But we're the generation that's got to be heard You're tired of your teachers and your school's a drag HANNAH: Derek, are you going to throw up? - Yeah.
- Come on.
(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH) Kev gave me some Special Brew.
He did what?! What did you give him that for? - (MUSIC DROWNS OUT KEV'S SPEECH) - Look at the state of him, you idiot! (MUSIC DROWNS OUT KEV'S SPEECH) (DEREK RETCHES LOUDLY) Uurrgh! Ohh Oh You all right, babe? - No, I wish I was dead! - (DOOR OPENS) KEV: What's up with him? What'd you give him Special Brew for? I didn"t force him, did I, like some kind of bloody foie gras goose? Look at the state of him! What are you doing? What do you think I'm doing? Oh, for fuck's sake! Unbelievable.
Prostate.
(LOUD FART) - (PLOPPING) - My life.
( RADIOHEAD: Bones) I don't want to be cripped and cracked Shoulders, wrists, knees and back Ground to dust and ash Crawling on al fours When you've got to feel it in your bones When you've got to feel it in your bones l-l-l-I used to fly ike Peter Pan A the chidren flew when I touched their hands They say you've got to feel it in your bones They say you've got to feel it in your bones Ripped By mstoll