Derry Girls (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 This programme contains very strong language.
♫ I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes ♫ Doo, doo, doo-doo, doo ♫ Love is all around me ♫ And so the feeling grows ♫ Doo, doo, doo-doo, doo ♫ It's written in the wind ♫ It's everywhere I go ♫ Sweet Jesus.
♫ So if you really love me ♫ Come on and let it show ♫ Did I not ban this one? Let me see.
Endless Love, The Power Of Love, What You Need Is Love, How Deep Is Your Love? It Must Have Been Love, I Want To Know What Love Is, I Will Always Love You.
No, Sister, you didn't.
♫ Cos on my love ♫ You can depe-he-hend ♫ Put it on the list.
Wonderful, girls, lovely stuff.
Before I dismiss you for the weekend, a few announcements.
On Monday morning, several of our Year 13s will face their GCSE maths resit.
Now, I know how daunting resit examinations can be, so if anyone is feeling anxious or worried, or even if you just want to chat, please, please, do not come crying to me.
Let me see, what else? Come on, come on, come on to fuck! Notice from Mr McCauley.
This year's destination for the Euro Trotters trip will be dramatic pause Did you actually want me to do the dramatic pause? Interesting.
Paris, it's going to be Paris.
If you need any further information, there is a stall in the foyer.
Sadly, I am unable to come on this one as I despise the French.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
MUSIC: BOUM by Charles Trenet BELL RINGS There's so much I want to do, the Champs-Elysees, the Arc de Triomphe, The Louvre A French fella.
That's what I want to do.
Nation of rides.
My fanny is going funny just thinking about it.
Could you not use that word, Michelle? What, Fanny? Why do you always have to be so coarse? What is the big deal? We all have one.
JAMES: I don't.
You are one.
Of course, Beckett lived in Paris, and if anybody's influenced my writing, it is Brenda Beckett from 12A? No, not Brenda Beckett.
Beckett Beckett.
If we go to Paris, I'd like to meet Nicole.
Who is Nicole? For God's sake.
How many times? It's just an ad.
She's not a real person.
Neither is Papa.
It would be good conversation practice as well, you know, for the orals.
Which will be the only oral that you get.
OK, Michelle.
Will you let me finish? Well, I sensed where you were going.
Blow jobs.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me Charlene Kasvanasgh is going.
She is dying about herself.
"Oh, I'm so good-looking, oh, I'm so popular " If there ever was a more shallow, self absorbed, generally unpleasant human being Hi, Erin.
Hi.
Good.
Grand.
Not too bad.
Can't complain.
Is the answer I'd have given if you'd asked how I was.
Right.
Are you signing up for Paris? I can't convince that lot to come.
Looks like I'm going to need someone to hang out with.
It would be an honour.
OK.
Well, I'll see you later then.
You will, Charlene.
Indeed you will! Did you hear that? The Charlene Kasvanasgh wants to hang around with little old me.
Do you know what I admire most about you, Erin? Your unshakeable principles! Bonjour, tout-le-monde.
Comment allez-vous? MICHELLE: Wise up, Jenny.
Where do we sign? Hold on! Stall the fucking ball! 375 quid? Are you for real? What?! £375 each? Isn't there some sort of group discount? It's not Club 18 to 30.
More's the pity.
It is a bit steep, Jenny.
Just dip into your trust fund.
I do it all the time.
Our what? It's like an account your parents set up for you to help pay for things like university, your first car, educational trips! I didn't know about this.
Did you know about this? No, did I fuck! Trust funds, you say Interesting.
Dip into your trust fund? Of course, no bother at all.
Pass us the phone, I just need to ring the bank.
7654321, that's the account number.
The password, what is it again? What was it now? Oh, aye, catch yourself on.
Da, for God's sake, will you turn that down? I have turned it down.
It's at zero TELEVISION: An opportunity there.
I don't know how he does it.
Are you telling me I don't have a trust fund? There you go.
You're are not as slow as you look.
Do I have a trust fund, Mary? Listen, girls, there are no trust funds.
There are no funds, period.
For God's sake! OK, that is one portion of redfish, one portion of whitefish, two bags of chips No, no, no! Two bags won't be enough.
Two is plenty, Joe.
Four! Four should cover it.
Three, then, we'll compromise.
I'll compromise you through that window.
That's enough, Da.
The tight bastard is trying to starve us all, Mary.
OK, four bags of chips, then.
ORLA: And I want 12 chicken nuggets, a small battered hot dog, plenty of onions, plenty of Get a move-on, Daddy.
At that chippy, well, it's every man for himself on a Friday night.
I am trying to concentrate here, Erin.
ORLA: All right, Mammy? All right, love.
Did you ask about the trust fund? I don't have one.
I take it that means I don't have one.
For the love of God! Will four bags be enough? More than enough.
I'd say we need five to be safe.
Do you not think, Dad? JOE: Stick down five.
Five bags of chips, then! I'll have a chicken fillet burger.
No lettuce, no tomato, no cheese I'll just write plain, will I? No onions, no cucumber.
One plain No relish, no pickles, no mayonnaise.
No chicken.
What do you mean, no chicken?! Get that! TELEPHONE RINGS It's a chicken burger! Of course I want chicken! What are you? A simpleton? No chicken.
It's Uncle Colm.
Well, I'm not taking it.
I've been stung once already this week.
Around 45 minutes talking about his new shoelaces.
Sure, I've stopped answering my phone altogether for fear it's him, Mary.
Will you take it, Da? No chance, love.
I mean, I know I shouldn't say this about my own brother, but, by Christ, he's a boring bastard.
Well, is somebody going to take it or not? Don't you be cheeky! Less of the cheek, you.
How is it going, Colm? Would you ever think of going cordless? Aye, it was freezing cold earlier, that's true.
Gemma Sharkey went cordless and she's like a new woman now, Gerry.
No, it's not as cold now.
She can make a call from her living room, from her kitchen, from her bedroom Look, Colm, I don't have long.
We're sending to the chippy here.
And the other night, right, and this is no word of a lie, she rang me from the bath.
These cordless phones are the future.
What?! Oh, my God.
What's up? Our Colm is in the Police Station.
Last night, two gunmen forced their way into his house, tied him up, stole his van.
Dirty bastards.
Oh, God love you, you poor critter.
You ought to come straight round here, do you hear me? Oh, of course, of course.
Is he all right? He is traumatised, Gerry.
He'll take a steak and kidney pie.
Do you think five bags will be enough? Seven bags of chips, 12 chicken nuggets, one small battered hot dog, one plain chicken burger Give me that! Thank you, Fionnula.
All right? Any joy with the trust fund? No, according to my mam, we're actually quite poor.
Aye.
I think we might be as well.
What's yours? Can I please get one fish supper and one cowboy special, please, Fionnula.
Thank you, please.
It'll be ready when it's ready.
Well, Jenny Joyce was talking through her fat hole about this trust fund thing.
What's yours? Don't rush me, Fionnula.
Where the fuck are we going to get the money for Paris now? ORLA: We could sell our organs.
We could.
We could sell our organs.
Or, and forgive me if this is a bit left-field, but could we not, you know, get jobs? There are no jobs in Derry.
That's all you ever hear anybody say.
So what are these? I never really looked at this before.
I just assumed they were all dead cat posters.
Missing cat posters.
If you're an optimist.
I'm not sure if I'd be suited to any of these.
You're very practical and I'm just more creative.
You're more of a slabber.
Fuck's sake.
I think other people are on to this thing, girls.
Oi! I'll not ask you again! A large cowboy, Fionnula.
And don't be shy with the salt, now.
What about the wee limey? Well, dicko? I'm OK, thanks.
What? I don't really want anything.
You don't want anything? How could you not want anything? It's lovely.
I just don't really fancy it, that's all.
I don't understand.
CLARE: Are you not feeling well, James? I don't like it! OK? It's too greasy, it's much, much too greasy! Even the smell of it makes me feel physically sick! I'm sorry you had to hear that, Fionnula.
You are a fucking embarrassment.
Get him out of here! You heard the woman.
There was a knock at the door, this must have been, ach, we're talking eight, 8:30, for I was halfway through my dinner.
And up I got to open it, and there they both were, large as life.
And the taller fella, though, to be fair, there was no more than an inch in it Jesus wept.
The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he, "Do you know who we are?" How is a body supposed to enjoy his dinner? And I says to him, says I, "Well, I can't be sure now.
"But maybe if you took off the balaclavas" And then he says to me, the slightly taller fella does, he says, "Step aside, we are armed.
" And that is when the smaller fella, although, as I say, we are talking an inch Mammy, make it stop.
.
.
an inch and a half at most.
I need a drink.
He has the bright idea of tying me to the radiator, you see.
And I remember saying to myself, says I, "Colm, it's a good job you have the economy seven on the timer, "or you'd be roasted here.
" Did you go for the economy seven in the end, Colm? I thought you said the hot water settings were a minefield? GERRY: For the love of God, Sarah, no diversions.
Aye, come on, let's pick it up.
They tied you to the heater.
They did indeed.
And there I am, shackled to the thermostatic valve with my new shoelaces, when one of them, the smaller fella, or, hang on, maybe it was the It doesn't matter, Colm.
Well, it was one of the two.
He is looking for the keys to the van.
All ranting and raving and getting himself all worked up, threatening to set fire to my good chaise-longue and all sorts.
By Jesus, they were absolutely desperate to borrow thon van.
Colm, they didn't borrow your van.
They stole your van.
Used it to move arms across the border.
And then they blew it up.
Aye.
Nightmare altogether.
Or diabolique, as they say in France.
Or you are still not going to Paris, as they say in Derry.
Ach, well, I'm delighted for you, Colm.
What?! Well, I just mean that, well, before, he had nothing really going for him, but now, well, now he is somebody.
He is the fella that got tied to his own radiator.
Thanks, Sarah.
We should ring the TV.
Get them to do an interview.
When Shauna Sharkey was interviewed, do you mind the time when her brother got hijacked? Well, Fionnula gave her free chips for a month.
You're joking? Honest to God.
DOORBELL RINGS I'll go! You will NEVER guess what she's done this time, Erin! Did she nick the notice board from the chip shop, Clare? ♫ You're unbelievable! ♫ Fionnula was out the back cashing up.
I sneaked in, yanked it off the wall and away I went.
I was like a thief in the night.
You were "like" a thief in the night?! You actually were a thief in the night.
And you stole from Fionnula, of all people.
I once saw her punch a Rottweiler, Michelle.
If she finds out about this, she will kill you.
Kill us.
You are an accessory after the fact now, my friend.
God! Can I ask why you stole the notice board? So we get first dibs on all the jobs.
Wouldn't it have been easier to just remove the notices, they're only Blu Tacked on.
Fuck off, Dickweed! Christ, what possessed you, Michelle? Yeah The more I talk about it and the more I sober up, the less sure I am, really.
You were drunk.
Brilliant Fuck, we are not like Jenny Joyce.
Nobody is just going to hand us things.
But that doesn't mean we shouldn't have things.
Come on, Clare.
I know how much you have dreamed of seeing the art Whatever the fuck it's called.
James, I know how much you want to practise the shit out of the past participle.
Orla, you really really buzz off those Renault Clio ads.
And you, Erin, well, you are just riding Charlene Kasvanasgh.
I'm not riding her.
I just think it might be time I moved on friendship wise.
You are aware you are talking to your current friends.
We can't give up on Paris.
Let's do this, girls.
Let's make it happen.
I have never seen you so fired up.
I will book a French lad, so help me God! So, firstly we have the tutoring and out of everyone I thought you might be best suited to that, Clare, because I'm the brightest.
In that conventional sort of way, I suppose.
There is also some baby-sitting, the child will be in bed so you should just about be able to manage that, Michelle.
Oh, thanks.
You should just about be able to manage this.
Always the lady.
There is also some gardening, mowing a lawn, etc.
This will require a bit of muscle so you should take that one, Orla.
No, I should do that one.
It's a man's job, Erin.
I am a man.
That's debatable.
Well, I am more of a man than Orla.
I do not accept that.
Come on, Erin.
Fine.
So, that leaves dog walking and washing a car.
Is it a Renault Clio? No.
I'll take the dogs.
OK.
Let's go to work.
♫ Looking back on a track for a little green bag ♫ I gotta find, just a kind, I'm losing my mind ♫ Out of sight in the night, out of sight in the day ♫ You thieving wee fuckers! How did you find out? It doesn't matter how she found out, Michelle, that's not important.
What's important is the fact we are all deeply Her mother rang me.
You told your ma? OK, I cracked.
I couldn't handle it and I cracked.
For fuck sake, Clare.
Enough! Where do we go from here? You're family.
Well, you are good people.
Well, you are decent people.
But I have to set an example.
No, dear God, no.
You're not talking about a ban? Let's call it a suspension.
I'm sorry, Mary.
Ach, Fionnula, what about you? I thought I could smell vinegar.
I am just on my way to meet our Colm here.
I'm a nervous wreck.
We are doing this interview for UTV.
I'm going to be on UTV, Fionnula.
Save your breath, Sarah.
There'll be no free chips.
There will be no chips full stop.
Excuse me? What do you expect me to do on a Friday Fionnula, cook? You expect me to cook? You could order a pizza.
Pizza's not as nice.
No, you are right, Orla.
Pizza is not as nice.
Maybe you should all have thought about that.
Is there nothing we can do? So, not only are we not going to Paris, we are spending our Sunday scrubbing Fionnula's fish hall for free.
Aye, and she will be back from yoga soon so get a shift on.
It is slave labour, Erin.
It is worse than slave labour.
We're not even getting paid.
Look, mammy had to cut some sort of deal.
Would living without fried food really be so bad? Yes! She wouldn't have actually banned it, she was bluffing.
She is not bluffing, Michelle.
Didn't she ban the McGuigan twins? Seriously? Sure, that's why they lost all the weight.
Right, girls.
No dicking about.
We need to leave this place fucking spotless.
♫ We are young ♫ We run green ♫ Keep our teeth nice and clean ♫ See our friends, see the sights ♫ Feel all right ♫ We wake up, we go out ♫ Smoke a fag, put it out ♫ See our friends, see the sights ♫ Feel all right ♫ Are we like you? ♫ I can't be sure ♫ Of the scene, as she turns ♫ Fuck this.
It's Still sticky.
How is it still sticky? Is it worse than when we started? I think it might be, yeah.
Great.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, this isn't Windolene.
This is This is mayonnaise.
Great work, folks.
Absolutely brilliant.
Well done, everyone.
It's has been a productive morning.
Fionnula will be absolutely thrilled.
MUSIC BLARES FROM OVERHEAD All right? Boo! Where did you get all this? Fionnula's cupboard.
I think she might have a bit of a problem.
You think Fionnula might have a bit of a problem? Put it away and get back downstairs now.
Sit yourself down and have a wee drink.
No, Michelle, it's wrong.
So are those ski pants, Clare, but that didn't stop you pulling them over your hole this morning.
Wait for it.
Michelle! Don't be such a shower of bore bags.
Slainte, motherfuckers! No, no, no.
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why are you throwing alcohol on it, are you actually throwing alcohol on it? What on earth are you doing? Seasoning it?! Wow.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how dead do you think we are? This is the truth, Mummy.
Erin, if you expect me to believe that Michelle tripped while carrying a scented candle, you must think I came up the Foyle in a bubble.
It is my bet, it's my bet.
What are we going to do? For God's sake, Mary, would you look? You're missing my big moment.
Two gunmen of roughly the same height kicked his door down and tied him to the radiator with his own shoelaces.
He barely had those shoelaces a week, John.
They threatened him with physical violence, they threatened to burn his house down Why would two gunmen break into a chippy? Ow! That really hurt.
You're such a pussy.
What were they looking for? Chips.
Obviously.
They were looking for the keys to the van, keep up, Erin.
Do you think we should knock them about a bit? No.
Nothing drastic, just a few slaps.
I said no, Sarah.
What, not even the wee gay fella? I'm not gay.
OK, that should do it.
Really? I hate to be a health and safety stickler but surely you are not planning on leaving us like this, are you? DOOR CLOSES Back door, back door! It's locked! What the fuck is going on here exactly? OK.
All right.
Well, what happened was Michelle was carrying a scented candle.
It's just not as nice.
♫ No, you're never gonna get it ♫ Never ever gonna get it ♫ No, you're never gonna get it ♫ Never ever gonna get it ♫ No, you're never gonna get it ♫ Never ever gonna get it ♫ No, you're never gonna get it ♫