Dharma & Greg s01e02 Episode Script

Ah! - Thatwas great.
- Yeah.
You knowwhat myfavorite part was? The part whereyou yelled, "This is my favorite part"? No, the part right after that.
- Dharma? - Hmm? What are they doing? Watching their new dad.
The whole time? Since the get-go.
I think they're real proud ofyou.
All right.
Show's over.
Move along.
- You ready to call it a night? - Yeah, I'm beat.
Come on.
I thought we were going to sleep.
We are, but not here.
- [Cars Driving By.]
- [ Grunts .]
Hey, Greg, what doyou thinkwe would have done ifwe hadn't run off and gotten married? I don't know.
Had a second date? Well, you know what? I'm glad we went for it.
Because now every moment with you is like-waah- a surprise.
I know whatyou mean.
Are we gonna sleep up here every night? Don't be silly.
Onlywhen it's a full moon.
Ah, the full moon, of course.
You don't turn into anything unpleasant, doyou? - Is that supposed to be a joke? - Yeah.
Well, it's not funny.
Wouldn't it be trippy ifl was really like that? - Extremely trippy.
- [ Grunts .]
- Ooh! - What? We should have a party to celebrate getting married.
Dharma, we can never tell anyone about this marriage ever.
- What? - Wouldn't it be trippy ifl was really like that? - That's not funny.
- It's not? Gotyou again.
God, you suck at this game.
Well, what doyou think? We could have a party right up here.
And we could have a band, and we could have a couple of cakes.
We can invite our parents and they could meet each other.
Wouldn't that be great? [ Laughing .]
You're still playing the game, aren'tyou? No, I'm serious.
It'd be fun.
Askyourfolks.
I really don't think it's a good idea.
- Would you at least think about it? - I'll think about it.
- So areyou gonna ask 'em? - First thing in the morning.
- I loveyou so much.
- I loveyou too.
- Dharma.
- Yeah? It's starting to rain.
We're not gonna sleep in the rain, are we? No, silly.
You don't sleep in the rain.
You make love in the rain.
Ah.
What ifthere's lightning? Then you get to be on top! [ MotorWhirring .]
[ MotorWhirs .]
[ Motor Revving .]
- We're back.
- Hey.
Thanks forwalking the boys.
How'd it go? Well, Stinkywill walk Nunzio but he won't clean up after him.
Stinky, you wanted your own dog butyou don't want the responsibility, doyou? Uh, morning.
Morning, honey.
RememberJane? - Hello,Jane.
- Hey, lightning rod.
Dharma, do we tell Jane everything? Just the really cute stuff.
I love Dharma's elbows and her little bittytootsies.
Sorry, that wasn'tyou.
I madeyou a breakfast smoothie.
Oh, I- I usuallyjust have a couple of eggs and juice.
- It's in there.
- [Phone Ringing.]
Oh, uh, that's me.
Hi, ifyou're 1 8 and have a credit card get ready to get sweaty with San Francisco's hottest- Thankyou.
Hello? Oh, hello, Mother.
- Ask her about the party.
- [ Kitty.]
Gregory, darling.
Your father and I spoke to the lawyer and he has drawn up the most wonderful little affidavit stating thatyou were intoxicated when you got married.
Sign it and we can put this whole unfortunate incident behind us.
Mother says "hi.
" - Hi, Mom.
- So, areyou gonna have a big party? We could have a big wedding parade through the streets like they do in Europe.
Cool.
I know a guywho dresses up like a clown and walks around on stilts.
- Doyou think he'd do it? - I don't know.
He doesn't like it when people look at him.
- No, Mother.
It's just a small party, very casual.
- Gregory.
The day that I celebrate this misbegotten marriage is the day that I ride a goat to Kmart.
- Is she coming? - Uh, she's just um, uh, trying to clear a date.
Um, okay.
Mother, why don'tyou call me then.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Bye.
So they're coming? Uh, well, Mother's kind ofbusy.
Oh.
We can just do it when she's not busy.
Well, she might be busy for a while.
- She hates me.
- She doesn't hateyou.
- Who hates you? - Greg's mom.
She doesn't hateyou.
She just needs to get to knowyou.
She hates you.
- What does it matter how she feels? - Oh, my God! She does hate me.
She thinks I'm this big blonde goofball messing up her son's life.
Dharma, listen.
All you have to do is give her some time, that's all.
Doyou think ifshe really gets to know me she'll like me? - Absolutely.
- Good.
So in a way, it was Greg's idea that I'm here.
- Remind me to thank him.
- Yeah.
So, I'm thinking you and me spend the day together and get to know each other.
Dharma- Oh, my goodness, it's time for my tennis lesson.
- I'm so sorry.
I must run.
- Oh, great! I love tennis.
Well, not to play orwatch.
I'm just really glad it's out there.
Oh, come on.
It'llbe fiun.
Most embarrassing moment.
You go fiirst.
Okay.
I'll go first.
Um, so I'm 1 2 years old when I find out people actually eat meat.
- Ah, how embarrassing.
- No, that's not it.
It gets worse.
So I figure I gotta try it, right? So I go down to the Tastee-Freez and I buy this enormous cheeseburger and I'm snarfing it down out back by the Dumpster and guess who drives by.
- I can't even imagine.
- Come on! Guess.
[ Stammering .]
The meat police.
Well, my mom, so good guess.
I was so busted.
And then the very next day I got my first period.
So now in my mind those two things are somehow tied together.
All right, all right, all right.
Game's over.
Game's over.
Okay, soyou don't like meyet.
But one day in the future you're gonna like me.
And you're gonna feel really bad about not having come to my party.
So how about this? Come to my party as a favor to your future self.
See, it's the kind ofthing that the you you're going to be will want to have done for the me that I am now.
So, she actually served tap water? She put a lemon wedge in it, but I could still smell the chlorine.
- Oh, that's unbelievable.
- Please.
It gets worse.
After the soup is served, I look down I see seven settings ofsilver for a six-course meal.
I said, "This meal is going to be over.
There's going to be a forkjust sitting there.
" - Anyway, so I thought- - Boy, you drive fast.
Listen,just in case you changeyourmind I thought you should have our address.
- Oh, thankyou.
Thankyou so much.
- Sure.
- Well, I- - Kitty, aren't you going to introduce us toyour friend? - Oh, hi, I'm Dharma.
Dharma Montgomery.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Montgomery.
Areyou related? - Well, yeah, I married Greg.
- Oh, God.
Really? Greg got married! Come here, honey.
Sit right down over here.
- So when wereyou going to tell us? - That's what the party's for.
- Party? - Party? Well, Dharma, you have just let the cat out ofthe bag.
It was supposed to be this wonderful surprise.
We were going to have a big reception and announce it right here at the country club.
Since when? Dharma, we have talked about it forever.
Well, we talk about so many things.
We're very close, you know.
- And you know how we got that way? - How? Dharma wanted so to be friends, and we tried playing tennis, and we tried going to the spa.
And what finallywon my heart is when Dharma turned to me and said "Kitty, you plan mywedding party.
" - That's what it took.
- Hmm.
- [ Both Women .]
That's sweet.
- Very sweet.
- I can't help it.
She's such a lovebug.
- Yes.
[ Chuckles .]
It will be formal.
Formal, of course.
Dining, dancing, With the 1 8-piece, you get coleslaw and a free drink.
[ Chuckles .]
Cut it out.
Anyway, I do need some help choosing a florist.
- Stephan is excellent.
- Oh, God, no.
- Absolutely.
He is.
- No, no, no.
He used daisies at the Turnberrywedding.
- I know.
- That's dreadful.
[ Whispering .]
Shh.
Mrs.
Turnberry- [ Mouths Words .]
Ha-ha.
Madeyou look.
Don't worry.
I'll talk to her.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
[ Snorts .]
You can't talk to her, Greg.
She's, like, possessed.
[ Imitating Kitty.]
Did you hear? Stephan used daisies at the Turnberrywedding.
Dharma, I'm gonna have to askyou not to imitate my mother right before we go to bed.
[ Groaning .]
All I wanted was this really fun party on my roof and now it has turned into this "humungo" country-club thing.
She wants a minister to redo ourvows.
What is that? I don't know, but haveyou ever thought it might be kind of nice? Nice? Yeah.
I mean, I love that we eloped.
It was the most wonderful, spontaneous thing I've ever done in my life but I feel like maybe we missed out on something, you know? Standing up in front of all our friends and relatives and saying "This is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
" There's something kind of nice about that.
Ahh.
- Am I just a big ol' girl? - Yeah.
Butyou're my big ol' girl.
[ Screams .]
Hey, good news.
- He'll do it.
- Change of plans.
The party's now going to be at Greg's country club.
Cool.
We're gonna have to getyou a tie.
Give me one good reason I'd attend a wedding reception at some fascist country club run by a bunch of morally bankrupt fat-cat Republicans who care more about capital gains than starving children? Free valet parking? Calm down, Larry.
It is just a party.
He acted this waywhen I wanted to be a Girl Scout.
It's a paramilitary organization with cookies.
Dharma, talk to me.
Was I such a bad parent? Is that whyyou feel a need to rebel? - I'm not rebelling, Larry.
- Come on.
Firstyou run off and marry a U.
S.
attorney.
Now there's the big country-club wedding.
Next thing you know she'll get a social security number.
I got one.
What? Why? I opened a checking account.
Areyou insane? You're on the grid now.
They can find you anywhere.
- Who's they? - You.
You know, maybe it would be a good idea to take a moment and all join hands and center ourselves.
I don't want to center myself.
I wanna be right here where I am on the edge the perimeter, the borderline that divides us from those who would enslave us and have us run their machines! Oh, man, we should never have had this conversation with Mars in retrograde.
- I'll go talk to him.
- No, let me.
- [ Sighs .]
- I don't understand.
Why can't people know that this party is supposed to be about us? I know it.
I know.
Ah, Dharma.
Soyou know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna write a wedding song just aboutyou and Greg.
Thanks, Abby.
Yeah.
I figure it'll be a nice way for people to hear how my dulcimer lessons are comin' along.
- Mr.
Finkelstein? - Yeah? What areyou growing? Oregano.
- Oregano? - Yeah.
Oregano.
- Whatever.
That's not why I'm here.
- It's oregano! Fine.
Uh, look, Mr.
Finkelstein.
- I know my parents are kind of taking this whole thing over- - Look! You can smell it ifyou want.
No, I don't want.
I just wanted to come out here and say that I'm very sorry about all this but ifyou and Abby don't come to the party- Hey, Abby does her thing, I do my thing.
We're not feeble-minded zombies chained to the oars of some patriarchal galley ship destined foryesterday.
Okay, I can dig that.
My point is, ifyou don't come to the party Dharma's gonna be really hurt.
Look, Greg the last thing in the world I want to do is upset my daughter.
But there's absolutely no way I can attend a party like that.
Okay.
What kind of party could you attend? What do you mean he wants the waiters to eat with us? Well, my dad just feels like they should celebrate too.
And, uh, he doesn't want them to wear uniforms.
Oh, good Lord.
Then they're just guests! Gregory, this is completely unacceptable.
Hold on.
I think I can get Mr.
Finkelstein to agree to the uniforms ifyou were open to, say, a small tasteful gong ceremony.
Small tasteful what? Gong ceremony.
You know, everyone goes, "Gong, gong, gong.
" - You know, like at Christmas.
- Like at Christmas.
An orchestra? What happened to the EdgarWinter Band? Larry, we traded them foryin-yang butter patties.
What? When did we do that? Thirty seconds ago, Larry.
Have some more oregano, Mr.
Finkelstein.
You know, I grow oregano.
You know, listen.
We're cool with the orchestra as long as each guest is still bringing in a canned food item for the poor.
Oh, um, Abby Greg's parents weren't real keen on that.
[ Scoffs .]
Whoa, Dharma.
What kind of people are these? I'm sorry.
But geez, next thing you know you're gonna be telling me they're serving veal.
God, no, theywould never do that.
No, no.
Oh, good God! Just tell them it's chicken.
Free-range chicken? Who cares? We do.
Oh, bull squirt.
Who's paying for this? Fine.
Throw that in my face.
Don't talk about money.
It's vulgar.
No, that's okay.
I'm the father ofthe bride.
I'll pay for this shindig.
What's it gonna cost? - $40,000.
- Really? Well, you could probably use it as a write-off.
You know, we could save some money ifwe had it, like, outside.
I was thinking in a beautiful park, maybe with a Renaissance theme.
And perhaps I could find a maypole and hang myself.
Hey, tell your old lady not to talk to her that way.
Tell your husband I'm not an old lady.
- He's not my husband.
- Oh, my God.
What am I going to put on the invitations? - He's my old man.
- How about Abby O'Neil and Larry Finkelstein? [ All Arguing .]
- Will somebody please tell me what a maypole costs? - [ Greg Whistles .]
That's it! Here's what we are going to do! - The ceremonywill be at the country club.
- Thankyou.
- With a macrobiotic buffet.
- Yes! - The men will wear tuxedos.
- Very good.
Or formal dashikis.
Right on.
Any further details, disputes or points of contention will be arbitrated by the bride and groom to wit, Greg and myself.
Any anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my shinywhite bridal heinie.
- Are we clear? - [ All .]
Clear.
- Good! - Uh- - Abby? - What about the cleansing ceremony? What is a cleansing ceremony? The, um, bride and groom have to bathe in freshwater before they get dressed and take theirvows.
So maybe we could use one ofthose little ponds that they have on the golf course? You can't just go bathe in a water hazard.
- Why not? - [Kitty.]
Because it's absurd! [Abby.]
What's absurd is having a union ofisouls without fiirst purifying the spirit.
So, you people are just com plete wei rdos, is that it? - [ Screams .]
- Yeah.
- Do you believe them? - Not really.
- [ Sighs .]
Promise me something.
- Anything.
When we have babies, we will never tell any ofthose people.
Deal.
- We were so close.
- I know.
Then your mother had to come up with that flaky cleansing ceremony.
Flaky? Bad choice ofwords.
It's, um- Oh, come on.
It's flaky.
- That is so close-minded.
- Oh, come on, Dharma.
I went with the batik cummerbunds.
I went with the organic carrot cake.
Carob.
Car-ob.
Whatever.
But I'm not flopping around naked in a water hazard in front ofthe entire staff ofthe U.
S.
Attorney's office! Oh, but I'm supposed to parade out in my big, poofywhite dress in front of all of my lesbian friends from Berkeley? Well, maybe we should just call the whole thing off!.
- Yeah, maybe we should.
- Fine! Okay, let's make up.
What? I'm done arguing.
Let's make up.
- But we haven't resolved anything.
Nobodywon.
- Good point.
You win.
- Butyou can't just do that.
- Okay, I win.
- No, you don't! - Boy, you really love to argue, don'tyou? - I do not.
- Then stop it.
- But we're not done yet.
- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.
- I love you.
- What? - I love you.
Oh, man, you really don't play by the rules, do you? - Nope.
- I love you too.
- So you'll do the cleansing ceremony? - Not in this lifetime.
Okay, butyou said that last lifetime.
- Hey, it's raining.
- Want to go inside? You don't go insidewhen it rains.
You make love when it rains.
- Who told you that? - Some big blonde goofball.
- Shut up! - No, you shut up.