Diary of an Uber Driver (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

1 - Thank you so much for doing this.
- Oh, no worries at all.
You guys are doing me a favour.
- Mum! - I'm going to give you Greg's keys.
- Um, I've left another set in the bedside drawer.
- Mum! Oh great.
Um, I've left instructions for Meg's food on the fridge but basically it's just a scoop of dry food at six, and she can have liver paste on weekends.
Friday night liver paste.
Party time.
Mum! - Mum! Mum! - Ah, yes, Max? Who's that guy? Oh, um, so this is Ben, sweetie.
He's taking care of Meggy while we're away.
Ah, what else? Um, oh, eat anything you can find in the fridge, otherwise it'll just go off.
A- wesome, awesome, thank you.
- OK.
So how did you get such a good rating, by the way? I mean, you have way more reviews than anyone else on the site.
Yeah, right.
Ah, well, at the moment I'm trying to save a little bit of money so when I found a website where people let you house sit for free, I was like, sweet.
I'll just break my lease and do this instead.
So, yeah, stacked a heap of good reviews already.
About three places this month alone actually, so So you broke your lease? Yeah.
Yep.
Sorry, are are you home - Well - Do you not have a home? I'm I'm joking, Tess.
Yeah, I travel down from Brisbane a lot for work.
Oh, thank God.
Sorry, for a second there I thought you were mental.
- Nope.
- MAN: Tess, where's my Kindle? It's in the office.
I'm in the office and I can't see it.
Hey, Max.
How're you doing, mate? You alright? I like your t-shirt.
I'm more into Iron Man myself.
No hard feelings though, I hope? Will you sleep in my room? Ah, yeah.
Yeah, if that's OK with you, I can sleep in your room.
That sounds awesome.
- Mum! Mum! - No, no.
- No, no, it's OK.
Shh! - Mum! Mum! It's alright.
I won't sleep there.
I can sleep anywhere.
- Mum! Mum! - Oh, look, let's get some keys.
- How cool are keys? - Mum! - It's OK.
Don't - Mum! - Alright, we're gonna wait.
- Mum! - Mum! - Tess! Mum! Mum! Mum! Your house is too big, mate.
Mum! - Tess! - Mum! Mm, I like it, but I think prefer the first version, so can we go back? OK, no problem.
Thank you.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi.
Hey, hi.
How are you? Um, good.
I'm at work.
Cool, cool.
- What's up? - Oh, ah, just double-checking.
I'm still taking you to the gestational diabetes test - next Wednesday? - Yeah.
Awesome.
Awesome.
Can't wait.
Yeah, oh, you don't need a lift home from work today maybe? No, I am all good.
OK, sweet.
Um I gotta go.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
OK, bye.
Wait, wait, wait.
Beck.
- Beck? - What? Yoga.
Yeah, what about it? - It is good for pregnancy.
- OK.
I just thought that it might be something we could possibly do together.
- Um - I already do yoga.
- You know that.
- Oh, that's right.
Yeah, no, I must have I must have forgotten that.
That's right.
Would you like to come to yoga with me, Ben? Yeah.
If you want me to.
OK, sure.
It's Tuesday night.
80 bucks.
Is that Australian dollars? It's a small class.
OK.
Um I can pay for you.
Actually, ah, I just remembered, I can't.
On Tuesday night I'm, um, learning, how to swim.
- You already know how to swim, Ben.
- Refresher course.
I'm just - I gotta go.
- Wait, Beck.
Beck.
- Beck.
- What? I just need you to let yourself be helped.
Beck! Excuse me, Sarah Cummings, would you like to come to this show with me on the weekend? Yes, Nina Walton, I might possibly want to do that.
It's called The Male Glaze, and it is a Feminist Ceramics Exhibition.
Well, yes, please, Nina.
I think I would like to go to Male Glaze, a Feminist Ceramics Exhibition with you.
Well, this is excellent news, Sarah.
I think it's going to be a lot of fun.
We are gonna have a great time.
I would also like to say that you have beautiful hair and I am in love with you.
Whoa, OK.
Well, to be honest, think you may have misread the signals here.
Mm.
Dale, my boyfriend, is sitting right there.
No! OK, my mistake.
Fair enough.
Very embarrassing for me.
Dale, I apologise.
As an olive branch I'd also like to invite you to the art show.
- No thanks.
- OK.
That's a no from Dale.
Driver, would you like to come? Yes, please.
I'd love to go to Male Glaze, a Feminist Ceramics Art Exhibition with you.
Thank you, driver.
You are very kind.
And you also have a lovely broad back and I am in love with you.
No, Nina, again.
Think you may have misread the signs there.
No.
Just because someone wants to go with you to the art show doesn't Doesn't mean we're in love.
It's very confusing, isn't it? Well, fine.
I guess I'll just have to return those gifts I bought for you guys then.
OK, and what gifts were they? Diamonds, Sarah.
Motherfucking diamonds.
- Oh, sounds expensive.
- Blood diamonds.
Wow, OK.
Well, that is pretty controversial.
- Yeah.
- Wait.
When is this thing? Ah, it is on Saturday.
Dale's keen.
No, we have Joe's barbecue.
Oh.
OK.
Ah, do I really have to go to that? Yes.
It's his birthday.
OK, but I barely even know him.
Well, he's my best friend, Sarah.
What? No, he's not.
- Since when is Joe your best friend? - He's like a brother to me, Sarah.
(STIFLES LAUGHTER) Well, shit.
Guess I have to go to Dale's best friend's birthday.
That's cool.
I guess it'll just be me and broad back driver.
Ah, is this alright, guys? - Yeah, I'm jumping out here.
- We're not.
(GIGGLES) Why are you always like that with her? - Like what? - Like different.
- What are you talking about? - It's annoying.
You're being ridiculous.
You know, you become different when I hang out with my friends too, Dale.
- Like, do I? - Yeah.
Right.
How's that, Sarah? You become a dick.
(SCOFFS) OK.
Cool.
Thanks for that, Sarah.
Forget that it's always my fault.
Really eased the mood in here.
Great conflict resolution.
Did you find us annoying, driver? - No, not at all.
- He has to say that.
But what about this, Lynda? If you were to learn that I was made of rubber and you were made of glue, and everything you said just bounced off me and stuck to you, would or could that change your opinion on all of this? Well, Julie, I could run the tests again with that in mind.
However, my instinct from a medical point of view is that the results would be the same.
I would still have cancer, you think? I'm afraid so, yes.
But you wouldn't, which is excellent.
(SOBS) (SNIFFS) - Sorry, Julie? - Yeah? - Just need to, um - Oh, sorry? Yeah, of course.
Sorry.
How's your day going, Julie? Oh, you know, say just short of perfection.
- It's all peaking today, huh? - Mm-hm.
- Headed back to work? - I am.
- Can I ask what you do? - Of course.
Yeah, ah, I work for a guy.
You may have heard of him.
Satan.
(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah, and where's that? At Premier Luxury Travel.
Sydney's number one boutique travel agency.
Right.
Is there much of a skill crossover between luxury travel and Satan's previous job? Oh, I didn't think so at first, but he's just bought a yacht.
Joke's on me.
And what's your role? I organise holidays for fat men and the young women they leave their wives for.
Right.
Is that demanding? Oh, it's OK.
I just keep some broken glass in the bottom drawer that I swallow during the 3pm slump.
Well, you know, I don't offer this to everyone, but since you're having such a perfect day, I'd be more than happy to call in sick on your behalf.
- And how exactly would that work? - Oh, it's easy.
Last week I, ah, called a lady's boss to say that my wife, Fiona, had diarrhoea.
(LAUGHS) What, she can't use the phone with diarrhoea? - I didn't write the script.
- Well, it's not bad.
But I think I got a better idea.
Hey, Francis, it's Julie here.
Could I speak to Jonathan, please? Thanks, darl.
Jonathan, hi.
Yeah.
I'm fine, thanks.
Ah listen I just wanted to give you a quick call.
I just wanted to let you know, I quit.
Yeah.
Yeah, I am serious.
And secondly, I just wanted to tell you to go fuck yourself.
You made me miss my daughter's Easter bonnet parade because I wouldn't kiss you at the Tourism Exchange, so fuck you.
Oh, thank you! No, thank Thank you.
No, we do not need to talk about this anymore, OK? Goodbye, Jonathan.
- Holy shit.
- (LAUGHS) Whoa.
OK.
- That was amazing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it was.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - What's your name? - Ben.
Ben.
God, I feel so much better now.
So you you wanna change destination? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Do I really only have 4.
3 stars? Yup, afraid so.
Does it say why I lost points? No, but it's usually just from one grumpy driver who had to wait a little while for you to get in the car.
Or could it be because I once did a little wee in the back of a car? It wasn't very much.
I was just stuck on the M5 and I couldn't I couldn't hold it.
- Oh, um - Would that lose me points? That tiny wee? Well, you yeah, actually, it probably was that.
Jesus Christ, Ben, I'm joking.
(LAUGHS) - Who do you think I am? - I don't know.
- I thought maybe - What? Finish that sentence.
- What did you think? - It was a UTI.
A UTI? I'm not a cat.
- I could still control myself.
- Sorry.
Oh, come on, mate.
Get it together.
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - Uh-oh.
- Jonathan? - No, no.
No, it's my husband.
Heya.
- Hello, you there? - Yeah.
Did you call me not to talk to me? You just you really made it hard for me this morning.
You know what it's like here at the moment.
I don't even know what I did, sweetheart.
You do too.
You think I didn't listen to you.
You didn't listen to me.
I was just trying to get out of the house.
Yeah, you always do it.
Well, I am sorry.
What was it you were trying to say? I was just gonna say that the spotted dove has come back to the garden.
- Oh, has it? - Yeah.
I'd only seen one lately.
Thought the other one might have died.
But they're both here now.
Oh, that's great.
Well, it sounds dumb now, doesn't it? No, it doesn't.
- Anyway, I better get back to it.
- OK.
OK.
Are you are you OK? Yeah, I'm just I'll see you tonight.
OK, see you.
Cry baby.
So where to next, Julie? Let's just drive.
I can't seem to find my footing Mind just never settles down I try in every way I just want to seize the day But you call me every day And it's nice to know but it bugs me You call me every day Oh, oh I seduced a clown at that house.
Sorry, what was that? At a party when I was 25.
I slept with a clown.
I have so many questions.
Ah, what Had you hired the clown? No, Ben, I had not hired a clown to sleep with.
Well, I don't know how these things work.
What, was he there to entertain? No, he was an off-duty clown.
Right, so no costume.
He didn't spray you in the face with a fake flower? He he was a French clown.
He was very well dressed.
Very attractive.
Was he funny? No, not at all.
He was very unhappy, actually.
A sad and beautiful French clown.
- Oh, like that story.
- What story? - About the man who goes to the doctor.
- Go on.
So a man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me.
I'm very depressed and I don't know what to do.
" And the doctor says, "Well I know just the thing.
There's a clown in town.
Why don't you go and see him? He is bound to cheer you up.
" The man looks up and says, "Well, that's great, Doctor.
There's one problem.
I'm afraid the clown is me.
" Yes, I do know that one.
- It was very profound.
- Mm.
But do you know how that story actually ends? How? Well, the guy says, "That clown is me", and then the doctor says, "Well, that's great, because I'm Julie Mortimer and I'm gonna fuck you, sad little French boy.
" Jesus Christ! (LAUGHS) People are always forgetting that part of the fable.
- (HORN BEEPING) MAN: Oi! - What the hell? Fucking Uber wanker, you cut me off! - What are you talking about? - On the freeway, cockhead! I indicated! I wasn't even on the freeway! Oh, fuckin' bullshit, mate.
Fuck you.
Fuck the lot of ya! And fuck your dog, too! Why don't you go and get your blood pressure - Oh, whatever.
- Does that always happen? - Some fuckin' - I'm really sorry about that.
No, it's not your fault.
No, you know what, I might actually take that sign down.
That way they won't know I was an Uber.
Oh, hello.
What the fuck do you want? - Ohh! - Woof.
- Oh, shit! - We should probably go.
Fuckin' Uber! Now can you make anything of this? Hmm, you could do "canoe" over the double word.
Yeah, I know that.
I was about to.
Mm-hm.
Jesus.
- Margaret is getting demolished.
- Yeah, that's my mum.
No mercy.
She was made to finish school at Year 9.
She's got a rubbish vocabulary.
And send.
Hey, Julie, ah Mm? What made you why'd you quit your job? Why today? Ah Well Um, to be honest, I, uh I just got some bad news from my doctor.
- Oh, shit.
I'm so sorry.
- Mm.
Yeah.
I, um, been having these tests lately and they thought I was in the clear, but it turns out that I've got this rare condition.
Oh, God.
And it started because I got these strange gurgling noises in my stomach.
Right.
And I thought I was gluten intolerant but it turns out that when my mum was pregnant with me, she didn't know it, she didn't know it but she'd actually conceived twins.
Oh, right.
And I as a foetus absorbed my twin's entire body.
- Shit, I've heard of that.
- Yeah.
And, um, what they think's happening now is that my sister's hand is still growing inside me and every now and again it just squeezes at my insides and that's what causes the gurgling.
Oh, God, that's terrible.
Yeah, that would be terrible, wouldn't it? (LAUGHS) - Oh, come on! - Are you completely insane? Like, are you OK? Should you be allowed to drive? Come on, I was being nice then.
I thought we'd bonded.
What are you talking about? You're my Uber driver, Ben.
I'm not going to open up to you about my personal life.
- Hey, you told me about the clown.
- Oh, that is true.
Did you wanna come in? 'Cause we could have a sleepover and braid each other's hair.
I think I forgot my PJs.
- CHILD: It's so hot! - OK.
- Ooh, I gotta get going.
- OK, Julie.
- It's been good.
- Yeah.
You have a good life.
You too.
Thanks.
Hey, how's my bubbas? Come here.
I came home early today.
Are you guys good? Charging headlong I don't know where I'm going Take me, I'm afraid How can you be real? Brush skin - Hi.
- Hi.
Sorry, I promise I was literally in the area.
Is everything OK? Yeah, yeah, totally fine.
I, ah, yeah, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
What for? I've been needy.
Ah, me coming here is also a bit needy.
But it is the last thing that I'll do.
So, yeah, I'm sorry for being so in your face.
From now on, I'll leave you be, unless you ask otherwise.
OK.
Thanks.
(RATTLING) Oh, looks like you've got company.
I will get out of your hair.
- Hi! - Hi.
- Hi.
- How's it going? What are you guys up to? We're just building a nappy change table like champions.
Well, I am.
Beck's useless.
Oh, yeah, ah, cool.
Oh, it's super easy.
Josie was already here and she offered, so No, that's cool.
Great.
OK.
Um Well, you guys have fun.
I will leave you to it.
- Ben! - Yeah? Do you wanna come in for a cup of tea or something? Ah, no, no, no.
I've got to go and feed Meg the cat.
Um Yeah, I'll I'll speak to you whenever, I guess.
Dammit.
Hey, ah, ah, do you guys wanna go for a swim? The, ah, the Taylors have a pool and it's heated, I think.
If you and Josie wanted to, once you're you're finished, ah, we could all head over.
Or I mean, tomorrow, or whenever.
Josie? Do you wanna go for a swim? Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
Well Why don't you come in and help us with this thing and then we'll go.
Yeah, awesome.
Thanks.
- OK.
- Oop.
- Sorry about that.
- Oh, just shut up.
So what do you think of Beck's friends? You were trying to trick me into saying that Beck's friends are shallow.
Ah, Ben, this is my stepbrother, Clint.
Nice to finally meet you.
- I just want to say congratulations.
- Do you follow the rugby at all, Mike? Sorry, would you mind if we just didn't speak? I think my, ah, neighbour has died.
- What, that's the cops? - Yeah, they're always here.
- What if they search the car? - Actually, you know what? - You might be right.
- Yeah, then turn around! - We can't.
They've already us.
- Shit.