Die Hart (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

Welcome to Ron Wilcox's
Action Star School.
I'm Ron Wilcox, and that
was your first lesson.
Getting hit in the head with a bat?
Oh, you are naive. That was a prop bat.
- It was made of plastic.
- Wasn't goddamn plastic.
I've been hit with a bat before.
I know what a metal
bat fucking feel like.
All right, hey. Mr. Van De
Velde told me to tell him
if you complain about
anything being too difficult.
No. No, no, no, no,
no. I'm not complaining.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not complaining about nothing. I loved that.
- Mm-hmm.
- I thought it was great,
- to be honest with you. Gave me a rush.
- Good. Let's take the tour.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
This place used to be a slaughterhouse
up until the '70s, and
then, as legend has it,
the animals revolted
against their tormentors
and they slaughtered the humans.
- Oh, my God.
- And my pal Charles Norris
you know him as Chuck well,
he needed a place to train.
- Mm-hmm.
- I bought it, I mentored him.
And that's why he's the
badass that he is today.
Yeah.
He nearly died within these walls.
And that's how Ron Wilcox's
Action Star School got born.
Ron Wilcox's ASS for short.
What the fuck did you just say to me?
Did Matt get Matt Damon go here?
Oh, Matty boy!
Fuck yeah!
Matt Damon. Before he came to me,
he was a no-name actor from New England.
He was nothing. He was
100 pounds soaking wet.
Uh, you sure we're talking
about the same Matt Damon?
Hell yeah. Matt Damon.
Huh. Okay.
- Yeah. If you say
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Rule number one: no
phones till you graduate.
Okay, I I run an empire,
so unfortunately, I need my
Okay, fine. You know what I'll do?
I'll just call Mr. Van De
Velde, and I'll tell him, "Oh,
the phone policy wasn't working for him.
It it wasn't to his liking."
- I never s
- I know what you're gonna do with this.
You're gonna make calls to
Hollywood, you're gonna say,
"Hello, Hollywood, Ron's
school is too tough for me.
I need more drugs."
- No.
- Yeah. You're gonna say,
"Oh, I'm Kevin Hart. I need
more caviar and champagne."
I just want to talk to my employees.
That's fine, but I'm still keeping it.
Okay.
Okay. Until you graduate,
you are forbidden
from visiting the outside world.
You'll stay here.
- Say what?
- You got your bed,
you got your toilet, you got your sink.
All the modern amenities.
Okay. It's supposed to toughen me up.
Okay, I get it.
Yeah. I'm good with that.
Yeah.
Might be a little too good with it.
And rule number two: no
fucking on the premises.
No anal, no blowjobs, no nothing.
Who else is here?
Just me.
So those those two
Colombian guys that hit me
in the head with the prop
bat, they were actors, right?
Yeah. Exactly.
Okay, rule number three:
when you're under this roof,
your name is no longer Kevin.
It's Agent Hart.
And you'll refer to me
as Ron Wilcox or Ron
or Wilcox or Coach Ron.
- I like Coach Ron.
- And I refer to you as?
- Agent Hart. Right? See, I'm on it.
- Right. Yes.
Now I assume you got me in
this FBI jacket and stuff
- for a reason, so what is it?
- Hey.
- Uh, would you do me a favor?
- Yeah.
Uh, Kevin, would you
grab that chair for me?
Yeah, you need this one?
No, goddamn it!
I said respond only to "Agent Hart."
Fuck.
You just said that. I fucked up.
I'm sorry. That's not
gonna happen again.
Why don't you just call me Kevin?
Okay, in your life, have you ever heard
an action star leading
man ever called "Kevin"?
- I mean, Kevin James in Mall Cop.
- No, no.
Kevin is the name of a punk bitch.
Ethan Hunt. That is an action star name.
Tom Cruise who's my alumni
for nine years of his life,
he only responded to "Ethan Hunt."
Whether he was on camera
- or off camera, whether he was
- Wow.
in the shower or on the
toilet, whether he was fucking
- or not fucking.
- All right, okay. I fuck I understand, Coach Ron.
Do you? Do you really?
I hope so.
For your sake, 'cause
your life depends on it.
Okay, next lesson.
Every leading man
needs to know how to run
into a burning building
and save a stranger.
Mm.
Wow.
- Holy shit, how'd you do that?
- And the stranger
that we are going to save today
is our own Action Star dummy
Lil Kevin.
That supposed to be me?
I don't see the resemblance.
- Are you fucking kidding
- No, w
We we've had this
dummy for years, buddy.
Oh, hell no!
Bitch, that's my line.
I've said that line in, like, 12 movies.
Agent Hart, are you a narcissist?
- No.
- Do you think the whole world is all about you?
- That's not, I'm not
- No, no.
You look at you and
then you look at him.
- That's why I
- Look at you and look at him.
Do you see any resemblance?
Kinda sorta, man.
O okay. All right, okay.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Help! Help me!
Oh, hell no! Help!
Help me! Oh, hell no!
Now, safety during stunts
is of the utmost importance.
Yeah, but I mean, that's
why you got stuntmen, right?
Watch it.
No, for the other guys. Not for me.
The the lightweights. I don't
Okay. Your jacket is flame-retardant,
which means that if you catch on fire,
don't panic, I will
come in and put you out.
Okay. Y you're gonna
Ok I feel, I feel good,
I feel good about that.
When you're ready, I want
you to storm the house,
find the victim and bring him to safety.
What is that?
What are you doing? I I don't
I don't
Psyching myself up.
It's hot.
Hot.
It's fucking hot! Where
the fuck are you at?
Oh, God. Oh, fuck, I can't see shit.
Lil Kev?
Excuse me?
- Are you Ron Wilcox?
- Well, hello.
- How are you?
- Jordan King.
We've been waiting for you.
- Help! Help me!
- I got you, buddy.
- I got you, Little Kev!
- Oh, hell no!
I'm about to save your
little beautiful black ass.
Help! Help me!
Oh, hell no!
- What the fuck?
- Help! Help me!
- Who's this? What the ?
- Oh, hell no!
- Oh!
- Help! Help me!
- Oh, hell no!
- It's fucking hot!
- Help! Help me!
- Get your ass up.
Yeah, um, I'm just so nervous.
I've never been in an
action movie before.
I just want bring my A game here.
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- 90% is mental, okay?
- It's hot! It's hot!
- You are gonna be fantastic.
- Coach Ron!
- I just know it.
Oh, shit, is he okay?
Oh, Christ, you leave this guy
alone for five seconds. Geez.
Put me out! Put me out,
put me out, put me out!