Dilbert (1999) s01e02 Episode Script

Next, on channel seven America's Favorite Media-Generated Disasters.
I can't believe you watch this stuff.
Tonight, we'll show you how one camera crew provoked Madonna to break her foot.
Ow! I think I broke my foot! Do you ever get tired of watching bad things happen to people? That's crazy talk.
I mean, don't you think people have enough problems without the media creating new ones? Sometimes the natural disasters aren't spread evenly across the week.
You need filler.
Filler? Speaking of which, how was your day? Talk about disasters.
The executive new product evaluation subcommittee has recommended to the executive new product committee to push up the deadline on the Gruntmaster 6000 Project because of some scurrilous rumor that one of our competitors allegedly not even in our field- Although that can't be confirmed because we don't know what field we're in- is releasing a similarly-themed product that might possibly have some aspect in common with or overlap in some slight way The Gruntmaster 6000.
Now the whole thing's got to be ready in three weeks.
What makes you qualified to be a reporter? I'm willing to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know.
Have you been using me as your main source of industry information? No, not the MAIN source.
I also make stuff up.
For instance, I've started a rumor that your company is a front for an international organ harvesting cult.
Organ harvesting cult? That's ridiculous.
Oh, really.
So, where exactly did you hear about us, folks? What do you know- buy an organ.
First off, Dilbo, we want to tell you what a terrific job you've done on the Puntblaster.
Even Product Industry News SAYS SO.
They called it "a product worthy of a better company.
" Oh, yeah! Yeah! Excellent! Who the man? You the man! Thanks.
By the way, it's actually called The Gruntmaster.
Whoa! Look who's getting all proprietary.
Easy, guy.
No point in getting married to a name at this stage.
Come now, one name's as good as another.
Stop being so rigid.
You're the one who insisted that the name was the most important part of the project.
I have no recollection of that.
The name is the most important part of the project.
I cannot emphasize this strongly enough.
And once we have a name, there's no going back.
That's my final word.
Alice, are you getting this all on tape? Wow.
I have a beautiful speaking voice.
Well, like we said, we think you're 90% there.
These changes we're thinking of here are purely tweaks.
Nothing that's going to change the thrust of what you're trying to do with this in any, any way.
I like the way you said "any" twice.
It shows you care.
You care.
These changes are really up to you.
They couldn't matter less.
Feel free to ignore any two of them.
As long as they're not two of mine.
Hear what I'm saying? But seriously, Dilb, we need to reach a demographic group that you may have overlooked.
Consumers.
Right.
The people who are going to buy this thing are going to want it not just for Whatever the heck it is.
It's an exercise machine.
For real? How can you possibly market something If you don't even know what it is? Whoa-hoa Put the brakes on the negativity express.
It's not only possible.
It's poss-ee-ble.
All you've got to do is give it more attitude.
Make it more retro, but not antique.
You know, futuristic, but not techno.
Sexier.
But more gender-neutral.
You see what we're after? I think we're all on the same page.
What page is that? We're still on track for a spring roll-out, right? We have to debut The Gruntmaster before the competition gets the jump on us.
I don't see anything that could stand in our way.
Sanity, reality, the laws of physics Looks like we're done here.
Dilbertio, I think I speak for everybody here when I say we've got complete confidence that you can pull this off.
But keep in mind we're all huge liars.
Oh, my God, this can't be good.
Look at that.
It's got a capital letter in the middle German spelling, and it's A thousand higher than ours! I've brought it to my attention That our biggest competitor, Nirvana Co The greatest engineering firm of all time.
The executives actually listen to what you tell them and respond with neither sarcasm nor total incomprehension.
The rumor is they treat you like a human being! And I would love to be treated like a human being! Just once! Here you go, boy.
We've got a crisis on our hands.
If they debut their Gruntmeister 7000 in three weeks they'll completely dominate the market.
Don't they already dominate the market? If you believe the bible of our industry.
Anyway, we're going to move the production schedule ahead again.
What? How can we possibly speed up the schedule any more? I've given that a lot of thought.
Have you? No.
But nevertheless, I realize it would be impossible for you people to work any harder than you already are This is going to be bad.
or any longer than you already are Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
So we're going to work tighter.
What? Tighter? What the heck does that mean? Security- strict, tight security.
Nirvana Co.
seems to know our every move, and then beat us to the punch.
If this phantom insider knows what's going on in Nirvana Co.
He's sure to be snooping around here.
Now, our security consultant, Mr.
Dogbert, has outlined a series of strict new protocols to ensure nothing leaks out to the media.
All right, people, listen up.
Nursery school is over.
I don't know what you've been doing up until now But from now on, things around here are going to be done by the book.
There's going to be full frontal and backal strip searches.
All communication will be done in the form of codes which will be changed on a daily basis.
Is there a banjo player in Farmer Johansson's silo? A pigeon has no use for keys.
He opens doors with his song.
All company documents will be printed on edible paper for immediate memorization and consumption.
This is going to be great.
What are you talking about? It's going to be like living under martial law in some kind of postapocalyptic nightmare.
Exactly.
Do you know how desperate women get under martial law in some kind of postapocalyptic nightmare? I guess I haven't studied it as extensively as you.
You've got THAT right.
It was the topic of my graduate thesis.
Empty your pockets, please.
All right, move along.
Nothing to see here.
Where do you think you're going? To get the phone.
Oh, no.
I'm not falling for that one again.
Okay, fine.
I'm going.
Flaming Commando to Central Control: I have an intruder situation In area 4-g-1-1-niner- slash-d-x-p-y-k-25-I-m.
Rainbow, bravo, nylon, delta, tango, foxtrot.
I nabbed this one trying to escape.
What? Since when is leaving your cubicle to use the bathroom escaping? Since 2:30 this afternoon.
Good work, Leonard.
Why are we here?! What have we done wrong?! I'll tell you what you've done wrong.
Someone in this room Is a traitor! What are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
Someone in this room leaked information to this magazine regarding our new security measures.
Now, before you go accusing each other, let me accuse you.
Alice! You're out of your mind.
I was going to say, "Let me say why it couldn't BE ALICE.
" You see, I've been watching you nonstop on the security monitors.
But we all have those cameras in our cubes.
Yes, but I've only been watching hers.
Ooh, that's a relief.
Can I get back to filing my harassment suit? Soon.
Now, Wally This current state of siege is the only chance you will ever, ever HAVE OF SCORING.
Is that right? Oh, yeah.
Definitely.
No question there.
No other way.
So it would not be in your best interest to sabotage such a rare and favorable situation, would it? Hey no, IT wouldn't.
That leaves Dilbert and Loud Howard.
I think we'd all agree it's impossible for Howard to do anything IN SECRET.
Why do you say things that you know will hurt me?! Which, I'm sorry to say, leaves only one possible suspect: One who had the means, the motive and the opportunity Well, the, uh the means Uh, anyway, it's Dilbert.
But- Profanity won't help you now, son.
This is so hard for me to say.
Actually, it's not.
You're fired.
Clean out your desk and leave.
But I- Uh-uh-uh.
But- N-uh.
Uh- D-oh.
D- oh- Uh! I can't believe this is happening.
You're making a terrible mistake.
I I'm a model employee.
But not a WORKING model.
Ooh! I wish I were the kind of person who didn't stand for this sort of treatment.
Everybody down.
He's becoming disgruntled! I can't believe it.
This cubicle has been my sanctuary.
Now I'm just a refugee a cubicle-less nomad doomed to roam the earth in search of a new oasis in the harsh corporate wasteland.
Well, you know, as long as you remember nothing is worth committing suicide over.
I wasn't planning on committing suicide.
Are you sure? Yes.
Think about it, Dilbert.
An eternity of peace.
No.
I have Jack Kevorkian's home number.
I said no! Mmm, suit yourself.
Dibs on his chair.
I don't wear boxers.
Tonight, at 11:00- Could a giant squid really eat a major metropolitan area? Find out how to protect your family.
Why is the news always the same as the miniseries that was just on? What are the odds of that? There's some things you're not meant to know.
I have to get a job.
I've been moping around the house for I'm not bothering you, am I? Being around all the time? It's an adjustment- In the same sense as, for example being buried alive.
What I'd really like to get is a job at Nirvana company.
I'll take care of it.
Plan to report to work on Monday.
You can get me a job at Nirvana? How? That's another one of those things you're not meant to know.
Maybe I don't want to know.
We were all very impressed with your resume, Dilbert.
Did I send a resume? I believe your assistant, a Mr.
Dogbert, was kind enough to forward it.
We usually insist on an interview before offering a job but how many double Nobel Prize winners does one see? Ah.
You may have heard we have a different way of "doing things" around here that you'll have to get "used to" but I think you'll enjoy the level of "freedom" we allow our "employees.
" "Thank you.
" Here's one of our recreation rooms.
As you can see, at Nirvana company employee happiness comes first- Just like in the space colonies of the future.
Oh, thank you.
I was wondering, would it be at all possible for me to get on the Gruntmeister 7000 project? Dilbert, if there were such a project believe me, I'd not only put you on it but you'd be the head designer with a staff of assistants and a budget that would choke a wide-necked animal.
What do you mean "if there were such a project"? You must be talking about that article in Product Industry News.
Complete fiction.
I don't know how they get away with publishing that rubbish and I certainly can't imagine anyone taking it seriously.
Now, would you like to see your new offices? Offices? I'll leave you to acclimate to your new surroundings.
If you need anything the robots are programmed to respond to your thoughts.
I have a door.
I sure do miss him.
Have you talked to him since he left? Who? I'm going to need a marrow sample.
Poke away, my good man.
Take as much as you want.
Drain me.
Yeow! Oh, Wally, are you all right? All right? I hope this never ends.
music Dum-do, dum-dum-do dum-dum, dum-dum-dum music music Dum-dum, dum-dum-dum music music My Sharona music This is just impossible.
How am I going to get any work done if there's no tension? I need a new pen.
I'd like the forms to requisition a pen, please.
Forms for a pen? Ultimately, yes, but we both know it's not gonna be that easy.
Come on in.
Pens are in aisle five.
Take what you need.
Floatation tank time will now commence in the main atrium.
Bye-bye.
No line.
What are you doing? Waiting for you to finish.
Well, I might be awhile.
You could use one of the other machines.
They're working? Of course they are.
What kind of madhouse is this?! Hi.
Good to see you.
Nice day, isn't it.
What are you working on? Working? We've heard a lot about you.
I'll bet you're inventing something pretty special.
Uh yeah.
I'm- I'm working on a, uh a barbecue.
An underwater barbecue.
So when you're scuba diving Wow! You are good! I just want to see if it can be done.
I'm sure the marketing department will try to kill it.
Marketing department? I'm not sure we've got one.
Who decides what products to make? Who tells you your ideas are idiotic wastes of time that aren't commercial? Doesn't anyone step on your dreams? Are you feeling okay? Yes, I'm fine.
I just didn't know how a company can exist without a marketing department.
Hey, what's wrong, guys? The new guy has an idea to start a marketing department.
No, not at all.
I was just saying I've never heard of a company without a Hello, Dilbert.
I'm the vice-president in charge of immediately implementing ideas that may adversely affect the company.
Now, this idea of yours for a marketing department sounds a bit risky but here at Nirvana Company we pride ourselves on our willingness to explore new directions.
Until now, it's worked out great.
I only hope this isn't the one time I'm calamitously wrong.
Well, good day.
Uh-oh.
Here's that marketing department you've been So enthusiastic about, Dilbert.
I wouldn't say I was enthusiastic Their first recommendation is we gear up full-speed ahead to market the underwater barbecue.
What?! Now, first of all, congratulations.
We love this.
Just a couple of thoughts.
One: does it have to be underwater? And two: does it have to be a barbecue? Isn't that the whole point? Is it? We need to lose the underwater part.
And the barbecue part.
It goes.
86 it.
But then how do you barbecue underwater? Sorry.
We couldn't hear you.
Your comments were drowned out by a loud shriek from next door.
Next, we're afraid when it comes out of the box it will make a squeaking sound.
You mean from the Styrofoam packing material? It's a loser noise.
That sound tested extremely low.
Are you trying this marketing thing anywhere else in the company? Or just here? All over.
It's spreading like a virus.
I gotta go.
"Nirvana Company, the world's greatest company "filed for bankruptcy today.
"inexplicable venture "underwater cooking "headquarters destroyed in blaze "Nirvana company stock fell 180 points "to negative 20 and an eighth.
"the company holds A single engineer responsible.
" Well, congratulations.
For what? Destroying a 90-year-old company? You're now well-known in your industry.
Fame is more important than competence.
Are you saying I'm more employable as a famous screwup than I was as a competent nobody? That's how it works.
I don't see how.
There's some things you're not meant to know.
Well, uh Dilbert I see that your qualifications are impeccable.
And even though I myself, or someone very much like me fired you for divulging company secrets I see that you are now a well-known industry figure.
Can I have my old cubicle back? I guess so.
Yes! You have entered a No-merriment Zone.
Discontinue your job satisfaction now.
Ah home.
I'll introduce you around.
You'll like Wally.
He's almost completely bald.
Sure.
I was wondering Hmm? Seeing as the main competition has gone belly-up are these security precautions still necessary? You know, you're right.
I can never remember the passwords anyway.
Attention, employees, attention- As of this moment All security procedures are suspended.
Please return to your normal state of semi-comatose clock-watching.
Oh, thank God.
Finally.
No! Oh, well, back to work.