Dinner Time Live with David Chang (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[opening theme music playing]
Welcome, guys.
Thanks for coming, Paul, Iliza.
Uh, we were just talking about
how I'm already in the weeds.
[Iliza] You were yelling. It just opens
on smoke and us saying the F-word.
-It's episode two.
-[David] Yeah.
And I loved episode one,
but this feels like a prank show on you.
[David] I know.
Like you have set yourself up
with an impossible task.
Yeah, we're the judges.
[Paul] It's like, can I juggle and swim
at the same time?
And I think you're gonna be able to do it.
I don't know. I don't know.
[Iliza] I feel like I would eat raw chicken.
And if you told me it was good,
I'd be like, "Obviously he knows."
So, the bar is very low.
Speaking of raw chicken,
have you had raw chicken in Japan?
You guys been to Japan before?
-Yes.
-I avoid it.
-Is it
-This is not raw chicken.
-Okay.
-You guys should get into that.
I was told patently to never eat raw chicken.
-Yeah.
-My dog had to diet one time
where I would just, like, feed him raw chicken.
-But that
-But he's an animal.
That's an animal. An animal should do that.
-I shouldn't be eating raw chicken.
-I guess if it's fresh, it's okay.
Did the chicken
walk into the restaurant with them?
-[laughs]
-[Iliza] And then it's okay?
'Cause we just don't want the chicken
that's been sitting out, right?
I can understand why people
may not want to eat fried chicken.
-[Paul] Okay.
-[David] But, um
I guess I should tell the world that
anyone's watching,
welcome to Dinner Time Live with David Chang.
-[Paul] Yes.
-Uh [laughs]
We really wanted to make a show
that was sort of like this,
real-time mistakes.
There's no edits, there's no take backs,
there's no commercials.
What you see is what you get.
And while there's
a lot of great culinary content out there,
a lot of it is edited.
A lot of it has all the bells and whistles.
This one is, uh, mistakes and all.
So, very excited that you guys
are our second guests ever.
-We eat our mistakes here.
-[David laughs]
I love it because I grew up on watching
Regis Philbin in the morning,
and they'd have a cook on and they had
They'd just open up that oven
and it would come out perfect.
But that's not real, like, that's not real at all.
But when you're in the kitchen
and you make a mistake
and people are paying for it,
do you serve them the mistake?
-Well
-[Iliza] He's like, I would rather die.
That's true. If this was a restaurant,
you try really hard.
But since this is not a restaurant,
you guys will be eating
the mistakes that I'm serving.
-Yeah.
-For sure.
"Eat your mistakes" feels like an Asian cookbook.
You deserve to eat your mistakes
-if you failed your family.
-It's a self-help and cookbook.
"Eat your mistakes."
Well, I should explain the menu.
Right? So all of these dishes
I'm serving you today,
you can get the ingredients
from an Asian supermarket,
so, in theory, you could be making this at home.
I wanted to make recipes that
Again, I could get the fanciest ingredients.
As much as I'd like to,
I wanna sort of focus on stuff
that everyone could possibly get.
-[Paul] Yeah.
-And I wanted to make a menu
based around one of my deep, deep passions,
which is Japanese convenience stores.
-[Iliza] The best.
-The best.
-[Paul] The best.
-[David] The best.
And what you see in front of you
is a egg salad sandwich.
Okay.
[David] And I eat two or three a day.
-[Iliza] Really?
-[Paul] Wow.
In Japan, you never had one?
-[Iliza] I thought you meant here.
-[David] Oh, no.
-Yeah. I thought that was like
-"Are you okay?" [laughs]
It's so funny you say that
'cause when I went to Japan,
there's a giant time difference, right?
You're just dealing with that.
I was getting up early every day.
I would go downstairs to the convenience store,
and I got this like Is it called, like a donburi?
-It's like a rice wrap
-Yeah.
Like a
-[David] Donburi, yeah.
-Yeah, and it was
It was the best thing.
I looked forward to it every single morning.
-It was amazing.
-What'd you have in yours?
I had like a plum paste.
-Umeboshi. Yes.
-Yeah.
-It's not a donburi. That's an onigiri.
-Onigiri.
Donburi's like the pot.
-Yes, Donburi's actually a rice bowl.
-Yeah.
You won't be getting a Donburi today.
Had I known,
I probably should've made you a donburi.
No, I wanna have new stuff.
I have a harsh Japan story.
We went on our
My husband and I are on our first trip.
And we went for omakase, obviously.
And it was a really nice one.
And it was us and six other couples.
There's a Chinese couple next to us.
Obviously, the chef was Japanese.
And a couple courses in,
they brought out a shrimp fully alive.
And rather than, like,
cut its head off or drop it in oil,
they just skewered it.
They just completely
impaled it while it was alive.
I start crying, 'cause as an American
As a white American, I like to see
my food murdered far away.
-Right.
-Nothing near me.
The Chinese couple pulls out
a video camera. They're loving it.
The Japanese guy couldn't care.
Even the shrimp was like, "I die with honor."
And only the Americans were visibly upset by this.
[David] I also would've been videotaping it
'cause that's how I would want to eat shrimp.
[Iliza] It's not like we're going
to show this to our kids.
It was Did I eat it? Yes.
-[Paul] They did
-Did I pay for it? No.
I saw it in front of me, too,
and it's a wild moment.
It became like a show.
It was almost like watching a circus
where they kill a clown in front of you.
-You're like
-That I would pay for.
That would be great.
As a comic who has died on stage
-I'm okay with that.
-I'll tell you this.
If you told me an egg salad sandwich
is on the menu, I'd be, like, pass.
-This is delicious.
-Is it?
I don't know if we can like
If there's a taste cam on here.
Should I just
-Whoa! Where do I go? I got it.
-[laughter]
Oh. Whoa! I missed my camera twice.
But this is really good.
It's amazing. It's so simple.
Like, I don't know why
we do things so badly, because
-Who's "we"?
-Americans, right?
'Cause 7-Eleven,
that's a different thing in Japan.
We just talked about it.
You get all this stuff that's fresh.
-That's very good.
-And this is
-Perfect egg.
-They're perfect.
It's like why Yeah.
[Iliza] 7-Elevens the world over
are organized, there's fresh produce.
Here, it's like, I'm gonna go get my coffee,
keep my eyes closed.
I'm gonna run out. It's a timed event.
Basically, some sort of drug deal's
happening in the parking lot
of every 7-Eleven at all times.
-And I'm making so much money.
-[laughter]
[David] Well, my good friend, Margaret Lam,
she has a social media handle that is like
"Little Meg" or something like that.
Anyway, she has this great theory
that the best countries of the
The countries with the best food,
they have the best food
in convenience stores, right?
The convenience stores
You could have the best kind of meal.
And Japan, I think
And I would say a lot.
Japan, Korea, Taiwan.
A lot of Asia has amazing convenience stores.
America, we've got some ways to go.
I mean, we're basically
throwing a hot dog on a spinner
and just letting it go for ages.
That being said, have you ever gotten
your coffee at a Wawa or a Sheetz?
-You can customize it.
-[laughs]
This is like the whitest comment.
You can customize it,
you can get flavors, and that is value.
[David] Wawa is the exception to the rule.
-There you go.
-[David] Right?
And the exception to your friend's rule, Sweden.
I love Sweden.
I don't think they're leaders
in culinary advancement,
-but their 7-Elevens are impeccable.
-[David] I disagree.
-Sweden has great food.
-Better than Japan?
Not so much.
[Paul] My friend told me that Japan
-I just eat this like this?
-[David] Yeah.
-No dipper?
-[David] It might be hot.
Yeah.
But no matter what you like,
Japan will do it better.
And as a matter of fact, when I went to Japan,
you recommended Savoy Pizza to me.
[David] It's the best.
The best pizza is in Japan.
Yeah, I was like, how does this happen?
I'm going to Japan to eat pizza?
And when I went with my dad,
my dad's like,
"We're not gonna eat pizza in Japan."
-But it was amazing.
-Everybody thinks that.
The Japanese were like,
"Look, our food is incredible.
And now we're gonna perfect your food.
We're gonna make you feel shame
that you make your food at all
'cause we did it better."
I mean, I don't know.
I guess I'm a total nerd 'cause I love
Star Trek: Next Generation.
But I always think it's
They're like the Borg. They take from everywhere,
they improve it and it's more delicious.
I wish it wasn't the case, but it is.
I mean, even pancakes.
Oh, my God, those fluffy pancakes.
Speaking of pancakes
Not necessarily the fluffy pancakes
that you might see on social media.
But I should explain the rest of the menu.
So you have the egg salad.
You had some chips that were not really Japanese,
but something I learned
from Buddhist monasteries in Korea.
-That's just a flex.
-[Iliza] That's a flex. That was a flex!
Are we on a first date?
"Tell me more about this monastery."
I mean, all they do is pray, meditate,
-like, forage their food, cook, and eat.
-[Iliza] Work out.
-Okay.
-Maybe they work out.
-[Iliza] They don't work out?
-Maybe they work out.
Um, and second course, we're gonna
You mentioned the onigiri.
I'm not gonna make onigiri.
We're gonna make maki rolls
'cause you can still get those
prefabricated maki rolls in the convenience store.
And if you haven't had one of those
bowl salads at the convenience store.
They're really good.
So I'm gonna do my rendition of that.
And then you can always get
Cup Noodles and noodles.
All kinds of noodles in convenience stores.
I'm gonna give you
If it comes out well, we'll say it's udon.
If it doesn't, we'll just say it's noodles.
-[Paul] Love it. Let me ask you this.
-[Iliza] Made it our own.
[Paul] Why is this egg sandwich so good?
It's got a lot of MSG in it.
-[Iliza] He's like, "'Cause I made it."
-That, too.
But you're saying we can make this ourselves.
You're saying I can make this.
It seems impossible to me.
And this is the simplest thing
that I could probably make that you're making.
Well, you gotta get good eggs.
-You just gotta cook it well.
-What's a good egg?
How do I even know about a good egg?
-What's a good egg?
-[laughs]
I feel like we're all good eggs.
You wanna help me out here?
-What's a good egg?
-What is a good egg?
[Chris] A good egg, uh
[Iliza] I know I'm shaming
half of America. "What's a good egg?"
[Paul] I know you're supposed to feel up
They look good.
I mean, the egg yolks in Japan are
I don't know why, but they're like,
super deep yellow orange hue.
-They're beautiful.
-[Iliza] Let's just say they're
not processed, like GMO. They're happy chickens.
[David] They probably are processed, I don't know.
Eventually.
Well, these are nice eggs, and you, um
This is, like, a two-minute egg.
This is a jammy egg.
So I try to make it on-trend
by making the jammy egg center.
That's what you want.
Not all the convenience stores
have the jammy egg, but some of them do.
[Iliza] I don't want a jammy egg
from a convenience store.
I don't want the jamminess
to have been sitting. This is fresh.
[David] They don't sit.
I swear to God, they rotate out
their sandwiches every two hours.
-[Paul] Every two hours?
-Yeah.
[Iliza] People do eat there for full meals.
-I literally just made that up.
-[Paul laughs]
I don't want a par-cooked egg
that's been sitting on a shelf in any country.
Sue me.
I think you should think about the jammy egg.
-Okay.
-At nine months pregnant?
-Maybe a little bit later.
-Maybe in, like, a day, when I give birth.
You're feeding her raw chicken
and jammy eggs at nine months pregnant.
-That's dangerous.
-Trying to do the right thing.
-This is outstanding.
-I'm gonna move this over here.
[Paul] Here's what I did not account for
on live TV.
The eating part.
I'm, like, I want to eat all this stuff.
I'm trying to speak with not my mouth
full, or if it's too hot, I gotta balance.
I gotta figure this out.
I feel like I always look ugly when I do stand-up.
So I'm okay looking ugly while I'm eating.
The bar has not been set high.
No one's like, "She was gonna model."
I'll just eat this hot food.
Do you watch your own stand-up specials?
'Cause you've had six on Netflix.
In the edit, I'll be there,
but that would be weird
if I'm like, "Yeah, every Friday night,
my whole family comes over"
And most artists will tell you, it's hard to
You have to eat your food
to make sure it's not poison.
-I can't watch the whole thing.
-[Paul] Right.
It's hard to listen, even though I like what I do.
It's a little masturbatory.
Can we say that word without losing our MA rating?
Is that okay?
[Paul] You can't do it, but you can say it.
[Iliza] Right.
Now, what I'll say, too,
is I think that, probably for all of us,
there's a part of, like, once it's
out of the kitchen, once it's done,
you have to kind of forget about it.
Because I know that I'll always find
something else I want to change.
And there's a certain point you have
to say, "I'm done making my changes to it."
-Yes.
-And I have to be okay with it.
But then, if I go forward, I'll look and find it.
I was reading this Barbra Streisand book,
and she was By the way, it's great.
Forty-eight hours.
-The book is 48 hours. It's 999 pages.
-What do you mean it's 48 hours?
Her audiobook is 48 hours long.
Does she talk really slowly?
No. She just goes off on tangents.
Like, she's reading the book,
and then she'll be like, "Ah, I had this dentist.
"Where was that?
-I think it was"
-The producers are like, "Keep it."
-For 70 seconds! [laughs]
-Oh, my God.
So she really does get into, like, her own thing.
But she talked about
She hates when people play her music.
-Right.
-Because she inevitably will hear
-Can you name a Barbra Streisand song?
-Yeah.
"Memories"? Is that a thing?
Yeah, from Cats.
I didn't think it would be that easy. [laughs]
I don't know. Let's keep on moving,
every two hours.
[Iliza] There's Funny Girl. There's a lot of it.
[Paul] I'm not even the biggest
Barbra Streisand fan, but she's amazing.
This is the most Jewish conversation.
We're like, "Well, there's Yentl"
[laughter]
[Iliza] But, okay, so, as a chef
'Cause my husband's a chef,
and sometimes, when I eat food,
he looks at me to see if I like it.
But if I go into it, he doesn't want
to hear it. He can't take the praise.
I would rather like, my wife
not explain to me if she likes it or not.
-I want to just look at the reaction.
-[Iliza] Right.
Right? Because more often than not,
if she tries to compliment it,
I know it's not, maybe, real.
-You know what I mean?
-Oh, okay.
I can tell the body language
a little bit better than
[Paul] That's like a show compliment.
Don't you feel like when people say, "Great show,"
-and you feel like [laughs]
-I'm like, "Yeah, I know."
-Obviously. It's 3,000 tickets.
-[laughing]
We didn't get here by accident.
No, you're talking about humility.
I think, at least, with my husband,
sometimes, I'll eat it, I'll be like,
"Do you want to know my thoughts?"
He'll say, "I know what's wrong with it."
You're like, "Okay, let's eat it quietly."
I feel like, chefs, you're very complex.
-You guys contain multitudes.
-We're pretty simple.
-[Chris] Hey, simple guy
-[Iliza] Simple guy.
[Chris] The Internet wants to know
what you're doing.
[David] I'm trying to quickly do this
so they don't look at what I'm doing,
'cause I don't want any of these
sushi dudes to be like, "Oh, my God!"
[Chris] Let's draw attention to it.
-Is it a group activity or a solo effort?
-[David] I think so.
[Iliza] Shouldn't the grains of rice
face the same way?
-[David] God damn it.
-[Iliza] Isn't that the Japanese way?
-[laughter]
-[David] But that's what they say, right?
-They're going to know.
-I think that's a bunch of BS.
-That's insane.
-Yeah.
'Cause no one eating it notices it.
-That's insane level.
-Or is it? Have you had it like that?
Then you know It may be delicious.
-I've never had it like that.
-I really don't think it's possible.
All right. I mean
No, 'cause it would get cold
and weird if you had to do it.
-Right?
-[Paul] What is the Internet saying?
The Internet is probably furious, because
many sushi chefs are watching this.
-[Iliza] You're going to be canceled.
-[David] All sushi chefs are watching this
being like, "What are you doing?"
This is probably a ridiculous question,
but I'll ask it, which is,
would you ever go into one of your restaurants
and order something from the menu
and be happy with it?
[Iliza] Ooh, that's a great question.
I have.
-[Paul] You have?
-Yeah.
[Paul] So you've eaten
-I don't like going to my own restaurants.
-Okay.
So that's the same thing
as us listening to our material.
But you have to sometimes, right?
Right. You have to be the secret shopper.
What do you do when you listen to material
Like, people I know a lot
of comedians such as yourselves,
and they always say
that comedy doesn't age that well.
-[Iliza] That what?
-Comedy doesn't age that well.
-[Paul] Like a jammy egg.
-[both laugh]
But I think food doesn't age
Like, food ages worse than, maybe, comedy.
It's hard to find food
that actually stands the test of time.
I think there's evergreen things,
and then there are fad things.
Like, there are fads in food, right?
I hope Little Gem lettuces are here to stay,
but there are still fads in food.
Then there are
No wants to hear a George Bush joke.
-Right.
-But Eddie Murphy is still funny.
George Carlin is still relevant, years later.
It may not be super laugh out loud,
but it's still good.
I also think that there are certain things
that you like, right? Like, so
I'm picking this out of my ass,
but, like, Wedding Crashers
-This is a food show.
-Sorry.
But Wedding Crashers is a movie
In the moment, everyone's like, Wedding Crashers!
But probably people have not watched
Wedding Crashers recently, right?
And then there's more,
like, timeless comedy movies
that stay around for a long time.
I think that there's a balance to that.
You're in the zeitgeist
Maybe it's about the way it made you feel.
When you watch it now, does it bring you
back to that, versus actually laughing?
Food either tastes good or it doesn't,
whether it's in fashion or not.
Well, but is fondue in? If you go out
there right now and have some fondue
Right, but it would still be delicious.
-Okay
-Fondue is underrated.
It's hot cheese!
-It's so good
-Every culture likes hot cheese.
I don't know if every culture I love it.
How about not every culture,
everybody likes hot cheese.
-Who doesn't like hot cheese?
-[laughs]
-Hot vegan cheese, Internet!
-I like roller rink hot cheese.
The only way to go.
When it comes out of a bag,
you have to press a button.
So there's a little water
to make sure the rice doesn't get stuck.
Yes.
I actually tried to defend you guys
to not make you make your own rolls,
but everyone else thought
it was a really good idea.
-So let's just see what happens.
-The producers Okay. All right.
[Paul] I once My mom once
hired somebody for my birthday
to come over to my house and make sushi for me.
And it was an interesting experience.
When you said "someone,"
was it a chef, or just Murray from
I don't know.
I don't know what her credentials were.
I would say that some of the things she told me
ran against what I knew about sushi,
and she only really liked tuna.
-That was it.
-[Iliza] Is this a cat?
Did you have a cat?
[Paul] Now, this is an interesting thing.
-[Iliza] Okay.
-[Paul] She looked a lot like a cat.
I was, like, this is such an interesting art form,
because it's
I feel like I only want it done by professionals.
You know, it's like
Like, sushi Every other thing,
it's like, okay, I can do it,
but sushi feels to me like you need to be
[Chris] Are you not going to give them
any instruction whatsoever?
-We've eaten sushi.
-They're doing a good job.
[Iliza] We've lived in LA.
We know what we're doing.
[Chris] Okay.
-I'm eating this beef right off the plate.
-[David laughs]
-Is that cool?
-They're doing a better job than me.
[Chris] Iliza's deconstructing sushi.
[Iliza] I'm taking it in pieces.
I'm doing it my own way.
[Paul] The rolling of it
is gonna be where I'm gonna
[Iliza] I just roll it like a blunt.
Now we got it.
-Is there soy sauce?
-There is. I'm gonna get you
My favorite thing is soy sauce and
Japanese rice. I could eat bowls of that.
So I saw a thing on TikTok the other day, it says,
"Hey, you've been eating sushi wrong."
And they said, you know,
you're never supposed to dip
the rice part into the soy sauce.
[David] Your fish.
And then you're supposed to flip.
Yeah, the flip, which is
a lot of dexterity for that.
The Japanese are like,
how many rules can we build in?
But I eat sushi with my fingers.
-Yeah.
-But a lot of people don't.
-[Paul] See, that's the way to do it.
-Yeah.
In America, we're like,
"Whatever makes you feel good and free."
In Japan, "We need to adhere
to these rules. Otherwise you're trash."
Americans have really ruined
the dining experience in Japan
in a lot of ways,
because all the top sushi restaurants,
and a lot of the top restaurants
in general [laughs]
-[Iliza] I ate it like a burrito.
-I'll eat yours.
-[Paul] So the magic word is
-I'm gonna eat yours.
-You can eat mine.
-No, don't eat mine.
I don't want you to eat mine.
So, they are so loud and obnoxious that
[Iliza] Well, you're killing the shrimp
in front of them.
-[David] I know!
-They'll be upset.
[David] But they're now
turning themselves into more
-clubs or invitation-only restaurants
-[Iliza] Right.
-to prevent dumb Americans from
-[Paul] Yeah, right. Yeah!
Can I say, I was recently
I was recently in Tokyo,
and I brought some friends to Golden Gai.
They'd never been.
Can you explain to everyone what Golden Gai is?
Oh, sorry.
It's a series of It's several alleys of bars,
and they're micro bars.
You walk up the stairs
and it's a bar that sits like
-Seats like six people.
-The best.
Each one's got a theme. It's so fun.
You kind of disappear into these corridors.
But some foreigners are not allowed.
Like, it's like "Japanese only,"
or you have to pay to get in.
And I actually We can't do that here.
You'll get sued.
But I actually really respect it. Because
Just because your culture invites people in
doesn't mean everything's for everybody.
And they're like, "You guys are loud."
So are other tourists, by the way.
But we do seem to get a louder decibel.
Well, I think that When I went to the Golden Gai,
I brought my dad.
My dad and I went to Tokyo together.
It was amazing.
We were, you know
I was an adult, so we got to really
I got to give my dad a nice trip.
But we went to the Golden Gai
and we became friends
with this other guy that was there,
he started talking to my dad,
and he was like, "Do you like erotic photography?"
And my dad was like, "I'm sorry?"
-Wait, your dad asked this?
-No, the guy.
The guy at the bar said to my dad,
"Do you like erotic photography?"
-And my dad was like
-Had the drinks come yet?
The drinks are there.
And my dad was like, "Well, yeah. I mean, yeah.
I mean, I like to take photos."
He's like, "Would you like to look
at my erotic photography?" And my dad
Your dad was like, "Yeah, I like to take photos"?
He wasn't like, "No, I'm good, we don't want any"?
He's trying to be polite.
-Was this an expat or a Japanese person?
-[Paul] An expat.
-Of course. [laughs]
-[Paul] Yes. So this
This guy takes my dad over to the wall
where his erotic photography,
in the Golden Gai, in one of these bars,
is on display.
And so I had to watch my dad
look at erotic photography, and my dad is
He's a lovely guy and
But also like, "Yeah. Oh, wow.
Yeah, that's so good.
So I see what you're doing here."
-You know he had sex once.
-[laughs] Yeah, exactly.
That's all I really need to know.
And I don't want to know any more.
And the way he was looking
at that erotic photography
as I sat alone, at a bar, just drinking
-But a tiny bar, right?
-A tiny bar.
So I just had to hear him talking about
this beautiful erotic photography on the walls.
-Trying to sound professional about it.
-Mm!
Just knowing your dad's a little turned on.
I know Netflix must be really excited
about this right now.
The first time anyone's talked about
erotic photography.
[Iliza] Your dad's going to be
on some travel show.
Bring my dad around, he'll give you notes
on erotic photography.
He was like, "You're American.
You'll do something weird."
I was just in Europe and I realized
I'm always proud to be an American,
and I always try to represent for my country.
You don't realize how harsh our "Rs" are
and how loud we are
until you're on a Japanese subway,
or just out anywhere in the world. You just
You're like, "I'm the only American here.
This is so special."
And then you just hear, like,
"Richard, get the backpack!"
It's like, "Oh, my God, that's Susan from Chicago.
Like, please, you're so loud."
-Mandy. I'm sorry, guys.
-Edit this stuff out. Edit this out.
Edit it out for the DVD.
-This is real.
-This is real.
Why I don't do front of house.
This is not pre-taped.
I really hope the 49ers beat the Lions.
[Iliza] We're done with that course.
It's going away.
[laughter]
Here is a salad with a sesame dressing.
Sesame seeds, some rice wine vinegar
[Paul] Now, this is the second week
you've done salads. You hate salads.
-[David] But I love serving salads.
-[Paul] Okay.
[Iliza] Is that a hand thing,
or do we do chopsticks?
-Okay, all right.
-[David] But I do recommend
eating salads with chopsticks.
I think it's the best way to go.
-Okay.
-I'll open up my secret drawer.
I didn't know that was there.
Yeah. Check this out.
It's James Bond style over here.
-That's great.
-All right, so this is all stuff
we can get in a convenience store.
We have our sushi,
we had our chips, and now this.
You can get a salad like this?
This is what I do not have.
Maybe with not this fancy lettuce
from Santa Monica Farmers Market.
-[Paul] Okay.
-[Iliza] Yeah. That's
[David] But you can get
a little plastic tub of salad.
[Paul] Okay.
[David] I don't know why,
but when I'm in a convenience store,
I'm like, "You know what? I should eat a salad."
But these are the things that we avoid,
or at least I avoid, in anything here in
I grew up in New York.
I lived in New York for many years.
The idea of, like First of all,
the salad bars in New York are
Legendary.
I mean, yeah. The sneeze guards,
there's things that are cooking there.
They're not switching that stuff over
for two hours.
-Maybe two years.
-I was complimenting 'em.
Like, they have such a variety.
-Look at all the steam trays.
-No. Oh, man, going in there
Those bars scare me. That feels like
I'm waiting to get food poisoning in those places.
-Like, so salad there
-Really?
Yeah, I mean
But the buffets are actually
-very popular.
-Yeah.
Yeah But so
It seems like strip club buffets.
It's like it doesn't seem like
there's a lot of care.
There aren't master chefs in the back of, like
How many strip club buffets
-have you gone to?
-A lot
The one in Atlanta,
you gotta do a business deal over it.
I feel like the ones in New York,
you can get Puerto Rican food,
Chinese food, chicken, macaroni and cheese,
healthy salad, all in one bodega.
Okay, you think that
Maybe it's good. Maybe I should try 'em.
-You're like, "Is that a good thing?"
-I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of it.
You know
I have to say, LA,
I miss bodega culture.
-[Iliza] Why are you looking at me?
-I'm not.
I'm not the mayor of LA. I'm like, "Get out."
[laughter]
I'm from neither. I'm from Texas.
But you were born in New York City, though.
I was, but
[David] So I have every right to look at you.
As a representative, of the state of New York.
When I met my husband,
he was like, "I want to cook for you.
I'll make pasta." He's like, "What do you want?"
What date did he cook for you?
The second date.
That's pretty early.
I think he really was into me. Obviously.
He was like, "What can I do?"
He made pizza the first night,
which was very cute.
And then next he's making pasta,
because he loves pasta.
He's like, "What do you want on it?"
And I said, I was like, "I'll just do
angel hair pasta with a chicken breast."
And it wasn't until we were married,
years later, like, recently,
and he was like, "I have to tell you,
I didn't want to make you feel bad,
but that's a trash move."
He's like, "People
at corporate restaurants in Houston
-add a protein."
-Yeah.
And I'm like, "I'm from Dallas.
"Like, in my mind, you go out
with your family to Carrabba's
or, like, Maggiano's and you add
a chicken breast for $5.95."
You're always adding something.
You've got to always put in
He wanted, obviously,
to make love to me and be with me.
-[both laugh]
-And he did.
At least twice.
It must have been
an amazing angel hair pasta, right?
It was great, but he
It's so sweet of him to be like,
"I'm not going to tell this girl
that's a garbage move.
And when are you entering your pageant?"
So I felt really It was sweet
that he didn't tell me for a long time.
The first thing I made for my wife,
um, was, like, this mussels Provençal, right?
It's like a white wine
You cook the mussels in this white wine broth,
and you get a great piece of bread,
and you can dip in the
-Yeah.
-In the sauce. It was so good.
Not really great first Not really an early date
-It's not good date food.
-Not good date food, but it was delicious.
So sometimes you have to sacrifice
really good for, like, it's, you know, "Look"
But you look cool.
Right. Exactly.
Did she ask or was this your thing?
That was a thing that I thought would be fun.
Like a little different. My wife is a
-But you didn't make it.
-Oh, I made it.
But I'm saying, it wasn't a thing
that you always made
and you're like, "Ladies love this."
-[Paul] No, it wasn't like my move.
-[David] It was your move.
[Paul] No, it was not my move
to be like, "Mussels Provençal.
That's what she'll like."
[David] It was your mantra.
-[Iliza] Yeah.
-But it's like, I do like cooking.
I made my first marinara sauce last week,
which I never had done from scratch before.
[David] What took you so long?
I don't know. And that
You know, honestly, I had [laughing]
No. Please don't watch me eat.
I'm nine months pregnant.
[laughter]
All right? You're going to see my jaw
unhinge in a second.
I'm the only person that saw that.
-Really?
-We're good.
-I think we
-You promise?
[Chris] Internet wants to know what you're doing.
And, "Would you do this for a date,
-whatever you're doing?"
-Yeah.
Yeah!
[Iliza] Look at the
That's why I asked
when your husband, Noah, cooked for you
because I didn't cook for my wife
till, like, two months in.
[Iliza] Were you already David Chang?
-No.
-Yeah.
[laughter]
And you're like, "Listen, girl, you're gonna wait
until you have earned"
-Oh, my God.
-[Paul] Yeah.
Well, number one is, I didn't have any plates.
-[Iliza] I'm gonna do this, is that okay?
-[Paul] Oh, wow.
I swear to God, I never cooked at home.
You're like,
"Sorry, they're all at the restaurant."
I literally just, like
You know, a lot of professional cooks
just don't like cooking at home.
Particularly in New York.
I think if I didn't live in New York,
I'd definitely have a full kitchen.
But also, you can order delivery
and stuff like that.
-[Paul] Yeah, but New York is
-[Iliza] Look at me when you say New York.
I need you to check in when you mention New York.
-As the
-That was the thing.
I never cooked at home either.
I had this studio apartment
-with a kitchen that was so tiny.
-Right.
-And you never would cook.
-You're not inspired.
Yeah. And it's like, "What am I doing?"
A lot of times, it's cooking for one.
-Right.
-So you don't do it, but you
You must have busted out your knives.
You and I did a show together
-Yes, a spoon. I brought a spoon.
-A spoon, yes.
-A spoon, yes, a spoon.
-A spoon? What do you mean?
What is
So, Paul has this great show at the Largo.
The Largo is a famous,
you know, like, a comedy club?
Yeah, they I mean, it's kind of everything.
-It's like
-Music venue, too, right?
-Music, comedy, improv, everything.
-Famous venue.
Anyway, um
there were a few other guests there,
and Paul asked everyone
to bring some sentimental object.
And for whatever reason,
I decided to bring a Kunz spoon.
-And
-I'm sorry, what?
It's this kind of spoon.
-For your
-A big spoon.
Yeah, but it's a spoon
that a lot of cooks use in, like
And that was my first Kunz spoon
that I ever received.
So, but you have And as a chef, you're
I remember you talking that night about
You carry
You have, like, your little Like, your
Like, your knives, your spoons.
Chefs can go from restaurant to restaurant,
but you have your own equipment.
I was gonna say, your little Batman pack of stuff.
-You have your arsenal of stuff.
-Your toys.
-You have to.
-So I imagine even just seeing
that pulled out in the first two months
of a relationship, being impressive.
-Like, even this
-[David] I left it at work.
-I never bring my knives.
-[Iliza] Never bring your work home with you.
So, honestly, my wife thought I was, like,
like many people, I'm sure,
thought that I was just a fraud.
-That I didn't know how to cook and
-[Paul] Right.
-Yeah, it really happened.
-[Paul laughs]
-I swear to God.
-[Chris] Iliza, the Internet noticed
you were fishing around for a specific lettuce.
-Which one were you looking for in there?
-[Iliza] I was Hey.
-Get a life.
-[laughter]
I was trying to avoid the tomato.
Oh, you don't like tomatoes?
[Iliza] It's not, it's fine.
I just was trying to avoid it, that's all.
It's just an old habit
that died hard on live TV. You saw me doing that.
[Chris] And Dave, you're kind of burying
the lede, talking about your spoon
and not the gigantic bat
that you seem to be working with.
Yeah, well, this is actually for Italian nonnas
that roll out pasta.
And I don't think it's ever been used
to try to roll out Japanese udon.
-Oh.
-I love that.
And, uh, I hope that it works out.
I hope that this is going to actually
[Paul] The other thing
that you recommended to me in Japan
that I think about often, Shima steak.
-And it's a small little steak sandwich.
-The cutest couple in the world.
They I mean, that was unbelievable.
Problem is, now everyone goes there.
Not everybody, but a lot of people
go there just to get the steak sandwich.
And there's this Japanese steakhouse,
one of my favorite restaurants in the world,
and he's created his own contraption
for cooking the steak.
And they get a specific kind of wagyu
that his family raises.
And it's just like this beautiful,
quirky little restaurant.
And you can finish the meal
if you order it beforehand.
This steak sandwich.
-[Paul] Yeah.
-And it's like, insane.
It blew my mind, but we ate the full meal there.
Their vegetables are amazing.
They have other things.
But this steak sandwich is something that
Those things that stick with you,
where you're like,
"That was an amazing meal.
That was an amazing" Like, those things
-that is one of the The Shima steak sandwich.
-You can still taste it.
Yeah.
I don't know how I could get back there
to have it.
When you have a meal like that,
it's always hard to eat the next thing.
-Yeah.
-Your next meal.
Like, "Nothing's gonna compare to that,
so I should just kill myself."
-[David laughs]
-It's that kind of
That's right, Netflix. Do it.
-I didn't say the F-word.
-[laughing]
But it is that feeling of, like,
nothing can ever be as good as this.
-And so, yeah.
-I was debating bringing this thing out.
-[Iliza] It's not a cleaver, though.
-[David] It's not a cleaver.
[Paul] I got to say, I feel like
you are doing Crisis averted.
You've not messed up anything,
or have you messed up stuff
-and we have not seen it?
-[David] Before you guys arrived,
maybe Chris Ying has video.
I totally forgot about the oil
that I was going to fry the chicken
and I got put into the weeds,
-and I am not cutting this as evenly
-[Chris] It's right here.
-[Iliza] I have a question for you.
-[Chris] The burning oil in question.
[Iliza] Will you take this angst home with you,
or do you leave it in the kitchen?
You're like, "I pulled it out. It's all good."
Or will this service stay with you all day?
Well, throwing it back at you.
When you do a show or anything,
you guys, like a podcast or whatever,
or the book that you have coming out,
do you immediately regret things once you're done?
Honestly, if I'm doing a set, like a quick set,
and I didn't love it,
I've done enough, good and bad,
that I know not to beat myself up
because there'll be another one later.
But I feel like chefs are very sensitive,
and they carry it with them.
Like, "How could I not heat the oil?
This is Cooking 101."
I'm not prepared for you knowing
that I'm as neurotic as your [laughs]
I just I know some things.
[Paul] But this whole thing is like,
we're all doing
Everybody who has some care in what they do
Right.
will beat themselves up
to a certain extent, right?
It's just, it's inevitable.
And I feel like when you have,
or at least for me, like when I have a bad show,
you kick yourself.
"I know I should have done that,"
or you get lost in a moment,
like, you go off in a
It's the same reason
why you have a great show, though, too.
Because you get lost in a moment. You find
But even if you have a great show,
do you still like
I'm so hard on myself that
I rarely ever enjoy the good moments.
-That's a regret that I have.
-Yeah.
Did you guys always enjoy the good times?
-[Iliza] This is a good time.
-[laughter]
[Iliza] I will look back on this fondly.
I mean, that's more of like a
You can't enjoy every good time,
and sometimes the best part of it is looking back
and remembering how great it was.
It's hard to realize life as it's happening.
And I'm paraphrasing that
from Thornton Wilder's Our Town.
But it really is hard to take a minute
and be like, "This is the good time."
Like, all my limbs work, I'm awake.
Yeah. I think that, like, having kids
has really been my slow-down. In a good way.
-It's like they make every day better.
-Yeah.
And they make everything a bit sweeter,
and I enjoy it through them.
And I feel like, sure,
there'll be moments where I'm like,
I should be enjoying this more,
or they were irritating me or whatever it is.
But I feel like it's made me appreciate
smaller things.
-Yeah.
-And I feel like we're always so
Our eyes are on the prize, always.
And I think I'm paraphrasing someone
who I don't even know who I'm stealing from.
But it was so dorky that
I cited Our Town, by the way.
Someone out there could be like,
"She stole that. Canceled on Reddit."
But I think what I really
Wait, we didn't get to eat this.
-You can
-I gave you that. Because I had so much.
-I think you took it.
-I did take it.
I feel like a producer was like,
"Take the beef away from her.
We're getting complaints."
I was just, I think what you don't often realize
is that the journey is the best part,
and I'm trying to
-Why do the clichés have to ring so true?
-I know.
It's like, I never enjoyed Everyone Loves Raymond
until I got married and had kids
and, like, "This show is the truth."
You didn't enjoy it? Everybody loves Raymond.
I didn't think it was for me. And now I get it.
-It was for everybody.
-Now I know.
Look, it was my own problem.
I think that was Rascal Flatts "Life Is a Highway"
that you were just quoting there.
[David] You mean, like, quoted Rascal Flatts?
"Life Is A Highway,"
isn't that guy like a Tom something?
I don't think that's Rascal Flatts.
Unless they covered it. Right?
-[Chris] It's a cover.
-Who did "Life Is a Highway"?
Country Contingency.
-That came out in 1999.
-[Chris] Tom Cochrane.
Yeah. There you go.
Kids, definitely, they force you to slow down,
'cause you're like, "I physically can't keep up."
And my bones have fully calcified.
But I also feel like, especially as an artist
or as a chef, you have to be a little selfish.
It's got to be about you, right?
You're super myopic.
Then you have kids, and you're like,
"I want to watch you have fun."
-Yeah.
-I want to rest my back
and watch you have fun.
And that's the best part.
But they're also living in the moment, too.
[Chris] We have a midcourse here,
Dave, before your food.
-Oh, we do?
-[Chris] A little surprise midcourse.
-Can I say that this looks like
-Is this surprise to Dave
[Iliza] it's going to be evil.
This looks like it's gonna be
a finger. "It's your"
[David] It's funny.
When we were talking about this,
I was like, this is going to be
like a traditional cloche.
-I had no idea what that was.
-Like, "This is your cat."
Oh, my God, I'm scared of it.
Seems like a James Bond villain.
[Iliza] This feels like a clue.
Like in Glass Onion.
[David] Okay. Let's just
-[Iliza] Do we open it?
-[David] Please.
-[Paul] I'll present it to you.
-[Iliza] Okay.
-Oh.
-[Paul] Oh! Cards.
-I'm, like, upset it's not food.
-[laughing]
[Iliza] Cool.
Wait, you were talking about kids
Yeah, there's like, I do feel like it's just fun
It is fun to watch them,
and they really embrace everything.
[Iliza] See that flex? He looked up.
[Paul] Yeah, I know.
-[Iliza] "Hope they notice. I'm not even looking."
-[Paul] Double shots. Get the two shots.
It was less a flex to you guys
and more for any of the chefs
that are watching, being like,
"This guy is such a hack. I knew it."
"We saw his sushi, but we saw these knife skills."
All right, look at this.
These are a bunch of cards.
In these cards are questions.
-Right, Chris?
-[Chris] Yes.
Questions, and if you play along and answer,
I've got a little prize over here for you.
[David] Do I get a prize?
[Iliza] Can I say one thing about
the water refilling on this show?
-[David] Mandy.
-[Iliza] Mandy.
I know this sounds like an insult,
like she's so good at it.
I went to a restaurant last night
that was phenomenal.
But I'm a very pregnant woman and they
kept coming over to fill up the waters.
A little glass this big,
and she kept coming over, and I said,
"Could you just leave the bottle here?
I promise I'll drink it."
And she said, "We only have two."
What do you mean you only have two?
-I have so many issues about
-Rinse out a wine bottle
and pour water in it
and leave it for the nine-month
-[Paul] "Only two."
-Is this a FEMA tent?
-What do you mean you only have two?
-How big was this restaurant?
It was small, but you're already serving wine.
So rinse it, throw some toilet water in
and give it to me.
-You got to have water.
-It's a basic human right.
-Okay.
-Now, Mandy is doing a great job.
What I don't like when I go to restaurants
is people who take This much.
-This is left here, and somebody comes
-[gasps] And they take it!
Why are you taking that away?
-Give me a dollar.
-I want a little bit.
Especially if it's an alcoholic drink,
I paid a lot of money for it.
-Are we gonna talk about restaurant pet peeves?
-Yeah, let's do it.
'Cause I have
Internet, you pick. This is one. This is two.
Let's pick. This is three. Chris, you tell us
which one they want us to flip over,
we'll make it interactive.
One, two, three.
[Chris] The Internet is busy telling
their own pregnancy stories.
-So I'm going to say
-[Iliza] Sorry to do that to you.
Every man in here, your penis just went inside.
[laughter]
Talk about anything other than maternity.
-Just Yeah. Okay.
-Okay.
-Your parents are divorced?
-Why, yes. How did you know?
-[laughter]
-"Well, you're a comedian."
-Mine are divorced as well.
-"You're awfully bold."
-Okay.
-David?
Um, my parents
were not divorced, but maybe they should
-Here's something that's funny.
-[Paul] That's a breaking story.
This is a breaking story. They both passed.
-Okay, well
-But my mom said something
that I think is the most hilarious thing,
and maybe people may not find it funny.
She's like When my dad passed, she goes,
"Your father was a horrible husband
and a terrible father, but I loved him."
[laughter]
-You're Korean, right?
-Yeah.
That's very Korean.
That was so Korean.
[Iliza] It was the truth.
We only have the one.
Thank you.
See, how hard was that?
So this question is,
after your parents got divorced,
did your mom or dad
have better snacks in the house,
and what were they?
I thought you were going to say "better sex,"
and I was just, like,
"What kind of a food question"
[David] It's a great question.
Now are you like a boxer?
Will you not have sex
when you have a big meal coming up
that you have to cook up for?
The reason boxers don't have sex
is so they don't projectile vomit.
I'm sorry, they don't Wait.
Cook a meal or have sex?
-[overlapping chatter]
-[laughter]
Who eats a meal
and then gets punched in the stomach?
I don't think a boxer does
A boxer sometimes doesn't have sex before a fight
so they can get, like, that energy up.
-Right.
-If you're cooking a big meal,
do you also not have sex
before cooking a big meal?
No.
-I try to avoid
-[Iliza] Have it while you're cooking.
Sushi is like the best meal
-[Paul] Right.
-For sex. I think.
Well, I mean, look,
I just watched Fifty Shades of Grey,
the second one
-Second time.
-And when they got there,
he ordered her and him two steaks.
And I was like,
if you're doing that kind of S&M stuff,
you can't have big steaks.
The main reason I could never be a high-end escort
is because part of it is going out to eat.
-Really?
-And if I eat a lot, I get very tired.
And so we would go back
to some Russian billionaire's house.
He'd be like "All right," and I'd be like,
"But I had so much, I'm so full."
And I wouldn't be able to have sex
'cause I had a bunch of steak frites.
With that red wine. It's like, yeah.
I would need a nap.
Like, "Vlad, we'll do it tomorrow."
I wouldn't be able to perform. I'd be too cozy.
[Chris] Speaking of Russian oligarchs
and prostitution,
what are you doing right now, Dave?
-Me?
-Yes.
I'm trying to find an ice bath
that I totally misplaced.
-[Chris] More generally.
-But I cooked the udon.
-It came out better than I thought.
-Okay.
-Um
-That was very quick cooking of the udon.
[David] And I'm washing off the starch.
-[Iliza] Oh, they're cooked?
-[David] Yeah.
Should we answer those compelling questions?
So, yes, this compelling question is
Thank you so much. What snack
-She took away the bit.
-I did.
That's okay. She replaced it, so that was great.
-[laughter]
-Who had better snacks?
So, for me, my parents were not big snack people.
It was not a big thing.
But what I used to love to get,
'cause I felt like I was tricking them,
-was that mini cereal variety pack.
-Yes.
-Remember that?
-[David] The tiny ones with Fruit Loops.
Yes!
But they'd have, like, one or two sugary ones.
And I felt like I could buy that
and, yeah, one morning
I'll have to have Special K,
but then all towards that one morning,
I'll have Corn Pops.
[Iliza] I was gonna say, it's Corn Pops!
[Paul] Corn Pops, silver bag.
-[David] I'm not a Corn Pops fan.
-Really? Why not Corn Pops?
You guys are both Corn Pops people.
I was. I probably wouldn't want it now.
I was Cap'n Crunch.
-Still. Till I die.
-[Paul] That's a good one.
-It's the best.
-[Iliza] No berries.
-No berries.
-No berries.
Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch.
-[Paul] So good.
-No?
-What?
-No.
Now, do you have, like,
sound effects like Letterman?
Letterman's on Netflix. We'll see.
-[mimics comical whizzing]
-[laughter]
You can put that with your laugh track. That's it.
I think the answer for that question,
it's usually the dad.
No one's like, "And my mom was just trash
and she had tons of Blow Pops."
It was my dad because he would buy us
the layered Jell-O Pudding Cups.
-Oh!
-And Fresca.
And you couldn't [splutters] We ate healthy.
I think Fresca is the greatest
It's a peach soda.
Why are we not drinking more of those?
-Isn't it grapefruit?
-It's grapefruit.
It's a grapefruit soda.
-Why are we not drinking more of those?
-We'll take it out in the edit.
Fresca is the best soft drink
that gets no respect.
It really is
If you want to see my father
have an aneurysm, drink his last Fresca.
[laughter]
The garage will shake.
He'll just be like, "Who drank it?"
-Whoa!
-[Chris] I promised a reward.
Oh, wow.
You mentioned these earlier,
and Dave said we didn't have them.
Whoa, what is this?
Erotic paintings.
-We just happened to have your Fresca.
-Thank you.
I wonder if it tastes the same.
-Oh, my gosh, it is.
-Onigiri.
Yeah, look. Ooh!
-[David] Can I just
-[Paul] Mm.
Can the audience look at the expert making of that
-that, clearly, I did not make?
-[laughter]
-[Paul] Who's making this?
-Good question.
[Chris] We ran out to the store real quick.
-Whoa!
-Oh, wow.
I guess we're close to Little Tokyo.
[Chris] We just happen to have
a Japanese convenience store nearby.
-[Paul] All right. Should I eat this?
-[Iliza] Sponsor.
-Now I feel like
-You need soy sauce.
Can you go back there and pick up some noodles?
-[laughter]
-Jesus.
Okay, this is gonna be controversial,
but my one ding against Japanese convenience,
Japanese anything is that they don't
-Are you going to go there?
-They don't give out the soy sauce
like they do in America.
It's 50 cents. It comes in a little fish.
"You shouldn't be eating this much,"
and I'm like, I need a bucket.
And they don't give it out
the way that my American palate wants it.
-Okay.
-I didn't know that
-[Iliza] Thank you.
-you were such a soy sauce aficionado.
I'm an aficionado on everything.
It's my job to have a hot take.
-Did you try this Momofuku soy sauce?
-I will.
[Chris] The Internet's wondering how
you cooked that pork and what's going on.
That's really fatty.
The Internet wants to understand
the cooking part of this show.
Come on.
So I made
[Iliza] Where are the questions for us?
About our parents' divorces?
[Chris] Iliza, your parents are wondering
This was katsuobushi and I made a dashi from it.
And this is dried, smoked, petrified,
inoculated with koji Aspergillus oryzae.
Sometimes it could be aged for, you know,
several years and it's shaved
like amber, like wood,
and then you steep it like a tea.
It's the backbone of Japanese food.
People eat it all the time,
they may not realize it.
I like a simple dashi.
-Like, if you're sick
-It's the best.
You can just sip it.
I only know these terms
because I live with a chef.
-So sometimes when you talk
-I just looked at you. "What?"
It's like when you took Spanish
for, like, all of middle school
and you hear Spanish,
you're picking up every third word,
and I'm like, "Dashi, yes.
-I do add dashi and kombu."
-[Paul laughs]
[Paul] I, um There is a soup that I get
from this Thai restaurant here in LA that I love.
And the way I know it is,
it's Ryan Gosling soup because
It's called "Ryan Gosling"?
-It came from him.
-This is what the owner,
the chef who I am friends with She tells me
She's like, "How are you doing?"
I said, "I just got over being sick."
She's like, "You gotta get Ryan Gosling soup."
Is it tom yum kha?
Yes, I believe that's what it is.
'Cause we're white. You guys love this stuff.
[laughter]
[Paul] I didn't even want to understand
My gut is that it is that.
But also, I just want to call something
Ryan Gosling soup.
I like that he has his own soup.
Why wouldn't he? He's so goddamn handsome.
-He's so handsome.
-But whenever he's sick
Margot Robbie did deserve a nomination,
I have to put that out there.
-One hundred percent.
-Okay, just putting it out there.
-So did Greta Gerwig. She did the whole thing.
-[David] Greta Gerwig did.
Every culture has their grandma's soup.
Every culture, "Grandmas make this."
Thai grandmas make that.
-Jewish grandmas make matzo ball soup.
-Mm-hmm.
[David] Here's my hot take
-Okay.
-about matzo ball soup.
Everybody has chicken soup.
All over the world. Matzo ball soup
is the best chicken soup of them all.
-[Iliza] Thank you.
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
-It really is.
And, listen, I'm not trying
to disparage the Korean
and all the beautiful chicken soups in the world.
[Iliza] That's how they'll take it.
I think matzo ball,
when it's done well, it is transcendent.
-But it's so simple, right?
-So simple.
Sometimes I want a hearty thing.
But that, to me When you're sick,
you're not feeling well,
it checks all the boxes.
Let me say this. As a Jew, we'll take that win.
[laughter]
And I will concede that gefilte fish is repugnant.
It is terrible.
When you're a culture as maligned as ours,
I'm okay with being like,
yes, it's a superior soup.
[Paul] There you go. You have it.
There you go, Netflix.
I would definitely never give you a gefilte fish.
That is so not good.
What are the things
that are disgusting in our culture
that are like that, like gefilte fish?
These things that you're like,
why is this still around?
Ants on a log.
-Ants on a log
-It's delicious!
-It's not
-No!
You put a chicken breast. You add a protein.
[laughter]
What's not to like?
-[David] It's not good.
-It's not good, but it's not offensive.
It's just not good. Who wants
I don't want to eat that.
Five-year-olds all over
are canceling you right now.
-Get in line!
-This is gorgeous, by that way.
[David] Thank you.
This is amazing.
So I cured some heirloom pork belly
in salt and sugar,
and I roasted it very hard,
almost burned it in the oven,
intentionally burned it.
It's the only thing that I got right today.
And I cooked it very, very slowly in some dashi,
and I braised some daikon radish
and you have some braised mushrooms as well.
-The dashi is gorgeous.
-[Paul] This is amazing.
[Iliza] When you say "heirloom pork belly,"
you mean it comes from a long line of famous pigs?
[laughter]
[David] You know, that's a big thing.
These fancy pigs.
But they do really make a difference
in the flavor.
-Oh, my goodness.
-This is unbelievable.
It's really Taste cam!
-What!
-[laughter]
I want to say it's comforting,
but it is 75 degrees outside.
But it is warming and delicious,
and these noodles are so satisfying to chew.
I'm glad. They came out way better than I thought.
-So
-Now, can I like
-Let's talk through your process.
-What did you think was going to happen?
We watched you rolling that out
in your bat from The Warriors.
The 1978 movie The Warriors.
And you were like, "I didn't do this right."
What did you think you didn't do right?
Why do we have to stick to an hour?
-He's like, "Let me go back to the oil."
-It's Netflix!
It's live. Just let him do his thing.
We got ten minutes.
You guys gonna watch reruns of Suits?
What's the big deal?
Suits is pretty good.
[Chris] Maybe if you guys hadn't pushed
those F-bomb limits.
[David] Did we drop F-bombs?
-No!
-We didn't drop it. Did we?
-Who?
-[David] Did I drop an F-bomb?
-You didn't.
-[David] Yes!
-You may have had a couple of close calls.
-I did?
Oh, man.
-I can't fucking believe it.
-[laughter]
Last week before we went on,
they told me right before we go on,
"Oh, yeah, by the way, Dave,
can't say the F-word."
[Iliza] You will lose everything.
And I'm like, "That's all I use."
-Right.
-This is a kitchen. That's a kitchen.
[David] I don't know any other adjectives.
We now return you to Love Island.
Thanks for watching all two episodes of this show.
You're canceled.
[David] What were we talking about?
What did you think you did wrong
when you were making this?
'Cause you were nervous.
Well, the biggest issue was,
-I'd need more room to roll it out.
-Okay.
And this is a little warped,
that was a little warped,
-so it was really hard to do and
-Right.
You know, if this was no TV,
-I would be
-Right.
You know, I'd have a wooden board,
-and I'd just roll it out huge.
-[Paul] Okay.
And then, I would have super-long noodles,
and I'd almost maybe even have a ruler,
-so I'd measure it so it's perfect.
-[Paul] Oh, wow.
And it's sort of, you know,
3x2 millimeter type of thing.
Okay, wow.
If you don't get that,
you start over from scratch?
No, then I don't say it's udon.
-I just say it's noodles.
-[Paul] Okay.
[Iliza] Right. Well
[Chris] Dave, Internet wants to know
what that broth was
you kept spooning out of the blue pot?
[David] That's the same thing.
I took the dashi that I braised the pork in
and I literally just cooked
the mushrooms in there.
-[Chris] What's for dessert?
-I feel like your portions are perfect, too.
'Cause sometimes, like,
you get into a place where you
We either do too small portions with nothing
Like, I feel like I'm still hungry,
but, right now, I feel like I'm getting
the right amount of stuff.
I feel like I keep forgetting that
I'm here to be funny and entertain,
and I just keep eating.
I have to be aware
that millions of people are watching me
-tear this apart with my hands.
-[David] You've been very funny.
[Iliza] Thank you.
And we are gonna reveal the winner of Love Island
in just a second.
This is the reunion show.
We'll see what they're up to.
I'm also getting out of breath
from eating so hard.
So I'm just trying to remember
that we're in full hair and makeup.
I know.
Wait a second.
-I forgot.
-I should take a breath.
Wait. Did I not put my toupee on before
I think someone's getting fired.
And I see pancakes.
-This is the best day.
-So, yeah.
I know you felt you ruined it because of the oil,
and you pulled into your parking spot wrong,
but we're having a great time.
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
He's like, "I don't care."
[laughter]
He's like, "You eat chicken breast
on your pasta, you're trash."
The hardest part for me is
I feel like I'm being judged
by other chefs and other
You know what I mean? I'm like [groans]
'Cause if I was watching this, I'd be,
"He's screwing that up. What an idiot."
[Iliza] I'm gonna tell you a secret as a comic.
They're already mad that you have your own show.
So it doesn't really matter.
-You know, I think that
-They already hate you.
We can sometimes get so caught up
in what our peers,
who are not our friends, think of us.
But the truth is
it's for us. It's for us dummies
who are like We like
I'm not looking at any of those
[Iliza] You don't make food for chefs.
I don't make comedy for other comics.
-Yeah.
-That's how you buy your ticket.
I was like, "I don't anymore," so
-[Iliza] He just starts crying.
-Thank you for the pep talk, Iliza.
Oh, yeah. I'll talk you off a ledge any time.
Give me heirloom pigs.
But note to self,
I know no more heirloom tomatoes.
[Paul] But here's the thing
[Iliza] Can you get Okay.
I don't Here's my thing with tomatoes.
-They ruin everything.
-[David] Whoa!
-Sorry, Italy.
-Wow! Whoa!
Usually, I make fun of Italy. This is a first!
Wait, so now you will not Like, tomato sauce?
Tomato sauce is fine.
As a pregnant woman, I get heartburn easily.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
And tomatoes, usually,
it's just like a watery surprise
in the middle of everything you were doing.
So I sell them unless it's,
like, a super in-season tomato.
I sell them. I'm like,
"Ooh! More tomatoes, please."
-Okay.
-But a Caprese salad, I will eat.
I contain multitudes.
With burrata or just regular mozzarella?
Regular mozzarella.
Okay. We could be friends.
Okay, good. I don't like burrata. Sorry.
Yeah, burrata it's interesting.
Like, that's one of those new
Not newfangled food,
but that's one that got a little bit more popular.
-It got more popular. But I don't like it.
-So popular.
Artichoke, burrata,
all of a sudden it's on every menu.
Everyone's got burrata, and it feels less special.
So we play this game where we talk about
There are certain things that are on every,
and I hate the word "gastropub,"
a gastropub menu in LA,
or at least they were forever
By the way, that's my favorite ice cream.
-McConnell's?
-There you go.
-Mitch McConnell's restrictive ice cream.
-Mitch McConnell's ice cream.
You start to scoop and you freeze midway.
-[laughter]
-Oh!
-Wow.
-Oh, no.
Of all the policies and everything
you can make fun of,
you'll be like, "No, I'll make fun
of a neurological disorder."
[Paul] Hey, you know what?
He's still doing it. He's still cooking.
[Iliza] He's still there.
Every restaurant in LA has
Of the uniform gastropubs,
-fried Brussels sprouts.
-Yes.
Right? Something called "The Burger."
Like, just a burger.
There's usually some sort of burrata thing.
-Right? There's certain
-Rib eye.
-Rib eye.
-Rib eye.
[Iliza] Like brunch girls will get that.
There's just certain things like chicken lollipops
or something Like, there's certain things.
They're always gonna do,
"This is our take on the burger."
-"This is our take on the" Yeah.
-Right.
Now, are you picking McConnell's
because you have a
No. The reason I'm picking McConnell's
is simply this.
I have a philosophy that's literally
called "arm's reach cooking."
And it just so happened to be
the first ice cream in arm's reach.
-[Paul] It could have been Jeni's.
-Anything.
[Paul] It could have been Breyer's.
[Chris] Dave, you got a hard out
in four minutes, my friend.
[Paul] Four minutes. Oh, my God.
Can you do
We're good.
I want to I feel like I'm rushing you guys.
-Take your time.
-[Iliza] Fresca?
-I would love some Fresca.
-Have the rest of this.
It is so Do you know I have this in my trunk?
[laughs]
-In my car? I swear to God.
-[Iliza] 'Cause you're a dad.
[Paul] The one drink that didn't make it
from my childhood
that was a big part of, like, my growing up, Tab.
-You guys remember Tab?
-You don't look like my stepmom.
I wasn't saying that I'd have it,
but that drink was in and out of fashion.
Wasn't it a diet drink?
-Oh, yeah.
-You drank that?
No, but it was
The can was cool. It had cool lettering.
The can was awesome. It was
Yeah, every, like
You're right. It's, like, your aunt
and your stepmom drank Tab.
-[Iliza] Yeah.
-And it tasted like
I don't know what aspartame tastes like,
but that's what I imagine the closest to it is.
It just tasted like chemicals.
-It tasted wrong.
-Yeah.
[Chris] Paul,
the Internet's wondering if you still
enjoy the occasional Pepsi and glass of milk.
[Paul] This is a good question.
So, I grew up I'm lactose intolerant.
But No, watch this.
I carry my pill wherever I go.
I'm also lactose intolerant.
That bad? Really?
-Boom. Ready to go.
-Doesn't stop me, though.
No, it doesn't stop me. Never gonna stop me.
Can't stop me from having delicious things.
He's like, "But I'm not taking a pill.
Watch this."
-[Chris] You're also ready for this.
-Oh, look at this.
-Look at the service.
-Yeah, look at that.
We're gonna be the first live TV show
to get a Michelin Star.
Like, get the Jewish guy his latte.
So this So I was
But I loved milk growing up. I loved it so much.
And on Laverne & Shirley
I watched those reruns on Nick at Nite,
-and, like, I think
-Oh, yeah.
Laverne used to drink milk and Coke together.
-Yeah.
-Milk and Pepsi together.
And I was like
I think it was to show that she was disgusting.
-[laughter]
-But I was like, "This is amazing."
And I used to drink that all the time.
A couple years later,
I became completely lactose intolerant.
It's not that crazy,
because you drink Coke and ice cream
-Like a Coke float.
-It's delicious.
-Didn't Lindsay Lohan have Pilk?
-Oh, yes.
Do you know it's his birthday tomorrow?
It is my birthday tomorrow.
Thank you. This is amazing.
Surprised you spent it with us.
This is, you know, the
Thank you, everybody. Thank you.
And that's our show. No.
-All right, here we go.
-[Iliza] Plug your book now.
Your birthday wish.
My birthday wish is that you preorder my book,
Joyful Recollections of Trauma.
[laughter]
[Chris] Dave, can you use
your remaining two minutes
-to describe what you made there?
-Yeah.
-Amazing.
-So [clears throat]
Dorayaki is basically Japanese pancakes,
but it's filled
Again, another hot take with
one of the worst fillings of all time.
-Tomato!
-Red bean.
-I don't like red bean whatsoever.
-Go ahead.
-I think it's
-Why?
-It's terrible.
-Okay.
It's one of the worst
dessert toppings of all time.
Or fillings. I hate red bean. I hate it.
-[Paul] Is this red bean in here or no?
-No.
-Okay.
-I made a matcha mousse.
-[Iliza] Delicious.
-[Paul] So delicious.
-Yeah
-It's delicious. And this is
What's this?
What's that part?
That's just the pancake that I
-Okay
-Yeah.
He's like, "Don't mention it.
Don't worry about it."
How do you get the pancake this fluffy like that?
Like, it's big. It's fat.
I don't know how I did it. I literally
[Iliza] He's still thinking about the oil.
-The recipe, I just sort of threw together.
-[Paul] Okay.
[Chris] You accidentally added
the egg whites today.
I did. [laughs]
-I did.
-Oh, my God.
You name-dropped being in a monastery.
I know you only have two minutes left,
but maybe we should talk about her.
-I know.
-Yeah, we have to talk about it.
I'm so happy you enjoy that.
-[Paul] This looks amazing.
-[Iliza] I'm so happy.
I wasn't going to serve it,
but the fact that you saw the donuts,
I was like, "You deserve it."
-So I made it for you.
-[Iliza] Thank you so much.
I really do!
Being pregnant's so hard.
I ate at Milk Bar last night.
-[David] You did?
-Oh, my gosh.
Not ate at. Like, I didn't have my dinner there.
-I had a real dinner.
-Okay.
Where they didn't give me the water.
And then I went
and I got the cereal milk soft serve,
with the cornflakes and sprinkles.
Christina Tosi, I think
you ought to send a care package.
-[Chris] Got to say goodbye.
-[Iliza] Please don't.
I was up all night. It was so delicious.
-We got to go. Guys, thanks for joining.
-That's it.
Oh, my gosh, this is amazing.
I wanna talk about divorce more.
-All right. We learned so much.
-[laughter]
We learned so much.
Everybody should be able
to make this right now, right?
Everything you saw, you should be able
to make it, no problem.
I'm really happy with this. This came out great.
If I say one of my specials,
will the algorithms start playing it
on Netflix, whatever we're watching?
Do it like this. "Siri, play" If you say
-Yeah, do it.
-Oh!
Siri, play Hot Forever. Check!
[closing theme music playing]