Doc Martin (2004) s01e02 Episode Script

How did you Get out.
Get out! Out! (dog whines) Good boy.
Good boy.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
(groans) (whimpers) - Don't let the dog in.
- (dog barks) Thank you.
Sorry.
I cannot tolerate imbeciles.
Elaine; when we agreed that you'd start at 8:30; you did understand I meant a.
M? Buying biscuits in the supermarket; yeah? And this bimbo won't let me through on six items or less.
All baps up to here; and them stick-on nails; she was.
She goes - wait for it: - "Sorry; six items or less.
" - And you had? Put the receipt in petty cash.
- These are for the surgery? - (door bell) Patient.
- Elaine; are you gonna let them in? - I'm busy.
Elaine.
Just do it.
- Mrs Walker.
- Marianne; please.
Am I your first official patient? Indeed you are; yes.
Collect a thousand loyalty points; you get a free coffin.
If old Dr Sim could see this; he'd be thrilled.
Er; thank you.
Sit down; please.
What can we do for you? I keep getting headaches; on and off.
- Really? How long's that been going on for? - I suppose all my life.
And now they're worse? More intense? No; not specially.
- More frequent; then? - No; not really.
- So today the problem is? - I just thought you should know.
- Consider me informed.
- You haven't thought of; um; redecorating when you were doing all this? Mrs Walker; do you have a medical problem? Indigestion.
But that's much better since I discovered aloe vera.
That was one of your Aunt Joan's tips; as a point of fact.
- Good.
- Have you tried aloe vera? - I do have other patients to see.
- Do you suffer from wind? I'm happy to see you when you actually have something wrong with you.
Are you saying? But I haven't even had a cup of tea.
- Tea? - Yes.
- Try a café.
- Well; I must say.
- I'll make a note of it.
- I haven't been here two minutes.
(Elaine) No.
Dad; I don't want to.
Are you deaf? I'm not doing it.
- Right.
Elaine.
- (man) I'm next.
- Oh; yes.
I'll be with you in a minute.
- Bring a drop more milk in.
- Elaine.
- No! Dad; I'm not gonna carry her skirts down the aisle.
She's a grown woman; innit? We've had some repeat prescriptions.
She's your fiancée; you sort it out.
No; I want to see the patients before I sign any repeat prescript Elaine.
You do check prescriptions before printing them; don't you? Yes.
We seem to have a woman with erectile dysfunction here.
Look; I can't be expected to work your system.
That'll be the system whereby we don't kill the patients? - It's your job.
- No.
It is your job to check before you sign.
(crash) - (old man) It's all right.
- Yeah? - It's the wife.
- Well; bring her in.
I'll have a look at her.
Oh; I can't do that.
Never liked doctors.
Not her cup of tea.
"Tea" being the operative word.
What are her symptoms? Oh; you name it.
Blood pressure.
Thyroid.
- Well; then I do need to see her.
- Bones brittle as twigs.
Osteoporosis.
If she can't make it to the surgery; I can arrange a home visit.
Well; it's a bit late now.
She's been dead nigh on 12 months.
How are you coping on your own; Andy? Eddie.
I'm not on me own.
I talk to her every day.
Told her I was coming to see the new surgery.
Now I can tell her all about it.
Is there anything I can do for you? Fresh cup of tea.
- You'll be looking for a partner.
- No; I'll be wanting a patient.
I've made many a match in Portwenn.
So far; I've had four weddings; no funerals.
- And quite a lot of babies.
- Mrs Black; do you have any medical reason Are you a leg or a breast man? Because if it's the breast you're after; and she's a Scotch pancake; there's plenty could be done.
Chicken fillets.
Right.
Attention; everyone.
Listen up.
If there's anyone who hasn't come to gawp; drink tea or otherwise waste my time; please put your hand up.
Anyone at all got a genuine medical problem? Thank you.
Goodbye.
- Put your teacups down; and leave.
- (Elaine) Sorry.
You all right; Doreen? You all right; Molly? - Do you want a Jammie Dodger for the way? - No.
(Elaine) I'm so sorry; everyone.
I don't I don't (hoarsely) You won't last five minutes.
You know that; don't you? Wait a minute.
Do you have a problem with your throat? You think if you're professional; they'll appreciate you.
They won't.
Could you breathe in and hold your breath; please? And again.
- How long have you been hoarse? - 25 years.
Shouting at ungrateful pupils.
Open.
Hm.
What's with the MOT? Give me something for the throat; and I'll be off.
- Why don't we let the doctor work; Mr Fenn? - "We.
" I do love the medical profession.
A grammar all its own.
You have a lump in your neck.
Had it since I was a boy.
I don't think so.
I'm gonna refer you.
There'll be a biopsy.
We'll take it from there.
A referral.
Great.
Otherwise known as "covering the arse".
Otherwise known as "providing specialist treatment".
Nobody makes it their business to know anything these days.
Always passing the buck.
In cases like this; it's appropriate to make investigations before diagnosis.
So you're not giving me anything for my throat? Nope.
I'm not giving you anything for the chip on your shoulder; either.
Great.
Now who's having their time wasted? You can stuff your referral.
- What's that? - Message.
"Roy or Steven.
" "Boy of seven.
" Dr Sim could read my writing.
- "Stomach pain.
" - "Temperature 104.
" That could be appendicitis.
What's that name? Er "Robson"? "Johnson"? Look; the mum was hysterical.
Like no kid's ever had bellyache and temperature.
A child could die from appendicitis.
I didn't worry about the name; cos I thought you called the number.
- "Number not recognised.
" - No; that can't be.
So there's a sick child somewhere; but you didn't get the telephone number or the name.
I suppose we could always get the name from the obituary; couldn't we? Right.
Well; maybe - Look - No; you look; Elaine.
For a new job.
What? You are the most incompetent person I have ever encountered; and that incompetence could very well end up costing someone their life.
You're fired.
Hello.
You must be Doc Martin.
- I'm Bruce; Elaine's dad.
Come to say hello.
- Hello.
We know it's late notice; but Carmen and I want to invite you to our wedding.
On Saturday.
- Right.
Whatever.
- As a thank you.
For looking after my daughter.
- Is she in? - Not for much longer.
I just fired her.
- Why? - I'm sorry.
I've got a medical emergency.
- Please; love - I don't need this now; innit.
Elaine.
(Martin) Seven years old; surname's Johnson or Robson No.
Nobody's off in my class.
We can ask Colin.
Can you lot finish what's on the board; please? Is this another patient you've chased from your surgery? What? Oh; your friend Roger Fenn.
God; that was quick.
Roger? I haven't seen him in ages.
Roger was forced to take early retirement.
He thinks I took his job.
Well; I did take his job.
So; no; we're not exactly friends.
It wasn't him.
So it must have been one of the 30 other patients you dispatched.
I did not dispatch patients.
I dispatched people who think "surgery" is another word for "café".
- Being the doctor is more than handing out pills.
- Yes; handing out biscuits as well.
You always have a line.
Every conversation's a competition; and you have to win.
It's so male.
Thank you.
- Can you help me find this child or not? - Bobby Richards was sick yesterday.
This is Miss Glasson from the school; Mrs Richards.
I'm checking on Bobby.
Oh; dear.
I'm sure the doctor will.
He's Mrs Richards.
It's Dr Ellingham here.
Yep.
Is his temperature still elevated? Right; I'm on my way.
What's the address? Yep.
Yep.
- OK.
I'll be with you in 15 minutes.
- Half an hour.
- Do you know where the; um - Map.
Thanks.
- Dr Ellingham.
- Thank you.
I've never seen him like this before.
If it's appendicitis; what am I gonna do? I can't have him in hospital.
Let's have a look at him; shall we? - His room's just up there.
- Righto.
Hello; Bobby.
- I'm Dr Ellingham.
How are you? - He can't go to hospital.
- I can't stay overnight with him - Would you make me a cup of tea? - I've got five kids.
- Milk; no sugar; please.
Yes; Doctor.
Well; now; Bobby.
You've got everybody in a bit of a pickle; haven't you? Let's have a look at you.
Oh; yes.
This; er This leg'll have to come off.
(gasps) Oh; don't worry.
Modern anaesthetics.
You won't feel a thing.
Just kidding.
Don't look so upset.
Open.
Under your tongue.
Under it.
Lift it.
That's it.
That'll do.
- There we are.
- What is it? Is it bad? Good news.
No need for the hospital.
It's not appendicitis.
- Thank God.
So what's he got? - Tonsillitis.
- Sore throat? - Hm; yes.
A bad sore throat.
- He's been throwing up - I'm aware of that.
- He's got stomach pain.
- Both common symptoms of tonsillitis.
His stomach is soft; the tonsils are the colour of cardboard.
Oh; Doctor.
I can't tell you.
I'll just write you a prescription.
I might even have the right antibiotic for you in here.
- You sacked Elaine Denham? - For no good reason.
Tosser.
Shouldn't you be giggling outside my house? - They say Elaine's a good girl.
- Yeah; I'm sure they do.
Maybe up in London you can mess people around.
Yes; as often as we can.
Thank you.
Right.
Well.
Give Bobby one of these three times a day with water.
And if you're still worried in 24 hours; give me a call.
- Er; excuse me.
- Yes.
Mineral water and the pasta; please.
- It's finished.
- Oh.
- What's the soup? - Finished.
I'll have the chilli con carne; then.
I guess you're a friend of Elaine's; aren't you? Right.
I get it.
I get it.
Look; um Pamela.
We both know what's going on here.
But if you let me have some petrol; I won't tell anyone.
Sorry.
I get it; OK? But no one's looking.
- Are you deaf? - Number 3; please.
- £25.
50; please.
- And this.
OK.
Let me paint you a little picture.
It's snowing outside.
You're about to give birth to your fifth child in three years.
Your waters break; you're frightened.
And you're lonely because your boyfriend's rotting in borstal.
You call good old Dr Ellingham; the only man in a hundred miles who can help you; and I say; "I'm sorry.
I don't do births.
" - You all right; mate? - No; I bloody well am not.
- Ah; you must be Doc Martin.
- It's empty.
What's he put in his car? Horse urine? You can't have this Mars bar unless you give Elaine her job back.
God forbid you upset the village of the damned.
We don't have any petrol.
Then what's he just put in his tank? Diesel.
Right.
- What is it with you people? - Are you driving with your eyes closed? Mr Fenn.
I might have known.
Oh; great.
Look at this.
- I was on my way to see you.
- Well; forget it.
I got myself some cough medicine from the chemist.
You didn't want a referral; so I'll give you my opinion.
I didn't want your opinion.
I wanted medicine; which I have got.
So just go and drive into somebody else.
Mr Fenn.
There is a high probability you have a cancer of the larynx.
You'll need surgery and you may well lose your voice; which has a certain appeal.
You may not care about this; but unfortunately I'm paid to.
I'll arrange for a referral.
(Martin) Richard Edgerton; ENT.
Yeah; it's Martin Ellingham here.
I've got a patient needs an urgent laryngoscopy.
Yes; that is my opinion.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Hm? Well; I'd say it was a carcinoma of the larynx.
Because I'm a doctor; he's a smoker with a lump in his neck.
Would you like the tumour to write to you? Will you get out of that bin? Right.
You; dog.
Dog; dog; dog; dog; dog.
Here.
Fetch! (woman) Cornwall's lovely; isn't it? All this sea breeze makes you feel so alive.
- I'm Carmen.
- Oh.
Doc; I understand about Elaine.
Hard to be her employer; I should imagine.
- It wasn't a decision I took lightly.
- Pretty hard to be her father; too.
Like father; like daughter.
Isn't that right; Lady Lancelot? Yes; it is.
She is bloody-minded.
No point pretending otherwise.
No.
Well; she's got; um; personality.
- Oh; yeah.
By the bucketful.
- Oh; she'll be at that church.
She'll come round.
- Elaine and Carmen just don't get on.
- He's exaggerating.
She's not used to me yet.
Well; that's a shame.
Um I've gotta look for the dog.
Oh; we'll come with you.
- Elaine's mum died young.
- Really? Yeah; and Elaine Well; she doted on her mum.
Oh; you.
Lady Lancelot ate my lipstick.
- That's the fifth one this week.
- Go on; make poopie.
Elaine can't handle me being with anyone.
- Are you married? - Er; no.
- Why not? - See; I thought; "What is the point?" You know; a life alone - what is it for? I mean; obviously not you.
You do something positive.
I just mean the rest of us.
You contribute; and that must feel You know; saving lives - What is your dog doing? - Ah.
Um Your dog; he has been done; hasn't he? - It's not my dog.
- Oh.
Um (Lady Lancelot whimpers) Hello.
Fancy a drink? Er; no; thanks.
Don't want to get tar and feathers on my jacket.
- The wrath of Elaine? - Yeah.
Come back to mine.
I've got a good single malt on the go.
No; thanks.
Night; Doc.
(phone rings) Hello; Mrs Winter.
Just a guess.
Right.
Thank you for letting me know.
Goodbye.
(phone rings) - Ellingham.
- It's Richard Edgerton here at ENT.
- Yeah.
- I've got the histology back on Roger Fenn.
Uh-huh.
(Roger) We set to sea In a boat made of flowers Drifted for days till our lips tasted land - It was bitter - (knocks) Hello.
On the last breath of day Chased the hot metal skies of the ocean - With no emotion - Roger.
We came by night To the fortunate islands Laying like fish 'neath the nets of our kisses That's why this is Don't stop on my account.
Are you lost; or looking for children to frighten? - You used to be in a band.
- Yes; l; er I gave it up for something more sensible.
Something that would see me through to a nice; safe retirement.
Well; that; er That sounded; um Hoarse.
What do you do when you're not working? I'm always working.
And there was me thinking this was going to be a social call.
Well; I went in for my biopsy.
When do I get the results back? Oh.
I can talk you through what happens next.
I've booked you in for surgery next Friday.
The 13th; actually.
Perfect.
(door bell) Got more in the van.
Where do you want it? - I didn't order this.
- You Ellingham? The person who ordered this is no longer here.
Take it away.
- Oh; I can't do that.
- Yes; you can.
You've got a van.
- I can't take it away until you accept delivery.
- What? - You can't return something until you accept it.
- I see.
It's not rocket science.
You accept delivery; then you get a returns number; then you arrange a time to have your packages picked up.
- I come and collect 'em.
- You do? - Yeah.
- Well; why don't you just take it now? Mind if I use your loo? (toilet flushes) - You all right? - That took a while.
- What? - Poor urine flow.
Any discomfort? - You what? - Have you had your prostate checked? - What? - It might be enlarged.
I should have a look at it.
- What? Up the? - Won't take a minute.
Hello; Bobby.
- Feeling better? - I don't like you.
That's all right; because; um; I like you.
You were mean to Elaine.
My sisters say you're the w-word; the t-word; the p-word; and the z-word.
- What's the z-word? - It's a word.
This is your new owner; and this is your new home; which is a farm; which dogs are supposed to enjoy; so bugger off and leave me alone.
Look; all I'm saying is that it isn't exactly politic to sack a perfectly good receptionist.
"Perfectly good"? She made appointments before I'd opened.
She printed out prescriptions that were potentially lethal.
- Well; surely you checked them? - I had to go to the school to trace a child because she couldn't take a phone number.
- It was pure luck - That he had a sore throat.
Bobby Richards.
- Oh; come on; Marty.
- But Elaine wasn't to know that.
Everyone makes mistakes.
But she can't admit them.
You pick her up on something; she comes back with a complaint.
And when you make a mistake; you roll over and let them tickle your tum? (sighs) Elaine.
What's happened to you? - It's tan.
- It's orange.
I need my wages.
Don't think you can charm me into taking you back.
I don't want to come back.
I'm going to Majorca; innit? - I don't know how much I owe you.
- I do.
- How long are you going for? - Month.
Two.
You'll miss your father's wedding.
Diddums.
You got cash? - I think it would mean a lot to him.
- So? Why do I have to make him feel good about his decision? I don't feel good about it.
Don't know what he sees in her.
What is it with men and big baps? It's offensive.
Elaine were you very young when your mum died? I mean; I think; you know; people will understand how hard that must have been; and difficult for you to move on and see your father move on; whoever the woman was.
I suppose I could have been more understanding.
Get paid for that in London; do you? Look; I don't mind him having a woman.
Just not one with a bloody dog in her handbag.
Hasta la vista.
(seagulls squawk) Oh; Louisa; have you seen Martin? No; sorry.
On my way to see Roger in hospital.
He's having his main op today; so excuse me.
Now; maybe that's where Martin is.
Look; if you see him; can you tell him that his dog seems to have decided not to play "Spot on the farm"? Actually; Joan; I gather Martin hasn't been by or near the hospital.
Yes.
Yes; I heard that he and Roger didn't hit it off.
- I'm not very impressed; to be honest.
- Roger is a very difficult man; as you well know.
He's got cancer.
He needs care.
It's not as if Martin's got any other patients to worry about.
If you're annoyed with Martin; I suggest you take it up with him.
He's your nephew.
Weren't you on the committee that appointed him? Roger.
Again? We don't speak in over a year; now it's twice in two days.
I must get cancer more often.
I can't stay so long this time.
I've Of course.
You have my job to get back to; don't you? I'll ask the nurse on the way out.
Well So - Everyone at school sends their love.
- Oh; really? Last time they sent their love; it was in an envelope with a P45.
So Did the surgeon say exactly what they were going to do today? I don't know.
This guy makes Ellingham look like Florence Nightingale.
So still no sign of Martin.
Why does that bother you so much? - Why would I want to see him; anyway? - Maybe he could tell you what was going on.
Oh; I'll tell you what's going on.
I've been pushed out of my job an inch before I qualify for a pension.
And minutes before I am about to lose my voice forever; I find myself having to chat with the woman who replaced me.
(nurse) Visiting time's over.
Roger I'm so sorry.
- ENT; please.
- Down the glass corridor; second floor.
My keys.
I'm parked in Mr Brownlow's spot.
- And you are? - Dr Martin Ellingham.
Portwenn.
- You're a GP? - That's right; yes.
And you're a receptionist.
Excuse me.
Come back here.
- You can't park in the staff car park.
- I've a patient to see.
Is it me; or do you not understand plain English? It's you.
Martin.
Martin.
- Adrian.
Adrian Pitts.
- Oh; yes.
The great Martin Ellingham; who abused myself and others at St Mary's.
Buggered us senseless; but taught us a lot about medicine.
So what brings you here; chief? Knifing a bigwig? - No; actually; I've given up surgery.
- You're kidding? - I've got a patient to see.
- Of course.
- I'd heard he couldn't hack it.
- I'll tell you about that.
(nurse) Don't worry.
It's just a nosebleed.
Are you all right? Here; let me do that for you; Mr Ellingham.
I read you on blocked carotids.
Don't suck up.
Has the surgeon been in yet? Yeah.
And I thought you were a smug bastard.
God.
I'm gonna miss swearing.
If the cells haven't spread; there's a chance the voice can be saved.
Yeah; yeah.
He said that.
Same choice of words; too.
"The voice".
It's not "the voice".
Sorry.
Your voice.
Mind if I have a glass of water? Are you all right? - You're a funny colour.
- I'm fine.
I've got cancer; but you look worse.
Whatever.
L; um sometimes have a heightened emotional reaction to certain events.
Which is medical speak for? Panic attacks.
I sometimes have small panic attacks.
What kind of panic attacks? Er nausea; sweating; chest pain.
- What brings them on? - Smells.
The smell of cauterised flesh.
And blood.
The smell of that; sometimes just the sight of it.
I used to have the Midas touch.
I couldn't look at a body on the operating table without fixing it.
Then one day; in the middle of the most mundane procedure; another set of arteries laid out in front of me; it suddenly dawned on me; for the first time; that this was somebody's wife.
Somebody's mother.
And I couldn't do it.
I couldn't go on.
Like I was on a high wire; I made the mistake of looking down.
I haven't operated since.
So now I'm your GP.
You probably want to keep that quiet.
Yeah.
I wouldn't want the village to fall out of love with me.
Your secret's safe with me.
Well; it's not like you're gonna be able to tell anyone anyway; is it? Had any family in? Grown-up daughter; decided not to call her.
She stopped needing me a long time ago.
- She has a TV set all of her own.
- Oh.
- How about you? - No.
Only child.
- Parents dead? - No.
Retired.
Portugal.
Gone.
Nice.
Vile.
We don't speak.
You are a miserable bugger.
Thank you.
(church bells) Doc.
- Glad you came.
- Have you heard from Elaine? Not even a postcard.
Well - How are you? - Been sick twice.
My heart's beating - Perfectly normal; I understand.
- (man) Bruce.
Time.
- Wish me luck.
- Yep.
Louisa.
You're looking Straight through me.
- Have I done something to offend you? - It's what you haven't done.
Well; that narrows it down a bit.
You didn't visit Fenn in hospital.
He didn't have a clue what was going on.
- What in God's name are you going on about? - (woman) Shh! (organ plays Mendelssohn's "Wedding March") (door opens) If you haven't got your health; what have you got? Nice to see you on your feet.
All right; then; boy.
- You all right; Fenn? - Hi.
How you doing? Fenn.
Good to see you.
- It's a little bit late for the concerned routine.
- Pardon? You have one patient.
I'd have thought you'd visit him in hospital.
- Hang on.
- You - No; Roger; don't try to speak.
- (very hoarse) He did come to see me.
- Depressed the hell out of me.
- It was mutual.
- Right.
Well; you could have told me.
- I tried; but that woman shushed me.
See you later.
- Can I come and talk to you about the chemo - Shh.
Shh; shh.
Rest that voice.
I'll see if I can squeeze you in.
Thanks for coming; Dean.
Thank you.
- Thank you for coming.
- Thank you very much.
- Elaine.
- Hello; Dad.
Thanks for coming; sweetheart.
It's made my day.
Come here.
Give your dad a hug; eh? Thanks.
Elaine.
Elaine.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you very much.
To the white house; to the white house Walking along the cliff To the white house; to the white house Walking along the cliff What will I do in the middle of the night Walking along the cliff? And what will I do when I know the time is right Good wedding.
You was right.
Yeah.
Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and do the right thing.
Yes.
And I think the right thing would be for me to come back to the surgery.
Right.
Well; we'd need to establish a few ground rules first.
Attention to detail; use of the phone.
That sort of thing.
I agree.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Well; you can have your job back; then.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Everything all right? Good news.
Yes.
Elaine's coming back to the surgery.
Oh; that That is marvellous.
Whoa! Everyone! Everyone.
Thank you.
Small announcement; but I know you'll all be pleased.
My daughter Elaine is returning to the Portwenn surgery.
For he's a jolly good fellow (all) For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow And so say all of us Er; so I'll see you Monday; 8:30; then.
No.
That's one of my ground rules.
- You have ground rules? - Yeah.
I've written them down.
Er One; I'm not made to feel responsible for your mistakes.
Two; I'm free to use the phone whenever.
And three; I start at nine; not half eight.
There are a few more; but you can read 'em later.
(band) Well; I went for a walk in the middle of the night And I'm walking along the cliff Well; I went for a walk cos I know the time is right And I'm walking along the cliff To the white house; to the white house Walking along the cliff