Dollface (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
SYNTHESIZED FEMALE VOICE: Enter your goal.
My goal.
How about 100 steps? If you have recently been dumped, please enter a more challenging goal.
Okay.
Uh, 200 steps.
This is why no one loves you.
Enter your goal.
Fine, 350 steps.
Are you satisfied? Are you? Begin workout.
[JULES SIGHS.]
All right.
Clean break, new me.
This is good.
[DEVICE BEEPS.]
Workout paused.
Increase pace to continue.
Seriously? Resume workout.
Workout paused.
- Feel inferior to continue.
- Wait, what? Let's go, girls.
Last one to spin class buys kombucha.
[WOMEN LAUGH.]
On your left! Disguise tears as face sweat to continue.
I'm not crying.
Hit rock bottom to continue.
Distance traveled: 0.
3 flights.
Calories burned: seven.
Workout complete.
[SIGHS.]
[BOTTLES RATTLE.]
[CAT MEWS.]
[INDISTINCT NOISES FROM KITCHEN.]
- JULES: Yaaaaa! - Hey, Dollface.
- Jesus, you scared me.
- You don't look so good.
Did you order from that Indian restaurant again? No, I didn't order from that Indian restaurant again.
You know, after last time, we decided you have to get extra mild.
I went for a run.
Like intentionally? Okay, what are you doing here? I thought you were gonna stay at your sister's while I look for a place.
It's Sunday, Juju.
I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.
Do you mean that? Of course.
Ramona doesn't have DirecTV, and this is the only place I can watch NFL Sunday Ticket.
Football.
You're here 'cause of football.
Yeah, well, I lost fantasy this week so I kinda have to host the league.
Um I know you normally like to watch with us, but, you know, the guys all heard what happened, so I just don't want you to have to deal with that by by being here.
Actually, you know what, that is perfect for me because I have a bunch of plans for the day anyway.
Lots of stuff.
A morning jog and then a puzzle, you're just like my dad.
Your dad who is a cost-accountant and is 66 and is a man? Don't take it like that.
I love my dad.
Good.
Good for you.
I'm sick of the gray days Where's the color in the world Time to go somewhere.
I'm a person, people go to places and do things.
That's normal.
Those are nouns.
Won't someone help me Paint a smile on me, girl Without you C'mon, sweetheart, move it along.
- Uh, to where? - Well, where are you trying to go? I don't know.
I'm just kinda driving around.
- I have nowhere to be.
- CAT LADY: You made it.
Welcome to Nowhere to Be.
Sorry, I didn't plan on making plans today.
My boyfriend dumped me and I have no idea what to do with my day, or my apartment, or my entire life.
If only there were a group of people specifically designed for hanging out with and going to for advice.
No.
I can't just call her.
I mean, the way we left things I have no clue where we stand.
- Oops.
It's ringing.
Eeeee! - Oh, man.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hey.
Hey.
Um So I had a good time the other night.
MADISON: Yeah, me too.
It ended up being fun.
Cool.
Yeah, so, um I know we had all that time apart, but then we had that night and I guess I'm just kind of wondering, um what are we? Are you trying to define the relationship right now? No I mean, we can just keep things casual, you know, if you want.
Well, that's not what I want.
I mean, are we friends? Are we best friends? Was that a one-time thing for you? You know I'm not that kind of girl.
Well, can I see you again? Yeah.
Stella's picking me up.
You can meet us there.
Really? Uh, great.
Wait, meet you where? Jules, it's Sunday morning.
Where do you think? [PHONE BEEPS.]
Well, she didn't say where they're going.
Well, they're going where all good women go on Sunday mornings.
Brunch.
Mama said we in the church You best believe this ain't no hotel Rocking your halo like a snapback 'cause you hang with ghetto angels Whoo! She told me they won't catch you when you fall You know this ain't gon' end well Heard somebody shot the sheriff If it's you, I ain't gon' pay bail She says Wake up and get yourself to church Yeah, yeah, yeah Wake up and get yourself to church Yeah, yeah, yeah Ladies, in the power and the spirit of this Sunday, do you feel free? LADIES: Yes! Do you feel gluten free? LADIES: Hallelujah! PASTOR: Can I get an amen? Amen! - [EXCITED CHATTER.]
- I'm just saying, my cousin's friend took those gummy hair vitamins and her baby was born with a full beard.
- Hey.
Uh, sorry I'm late.
- Oh, no worries, girl.
All good.
- [CHAIR CLANKS.]
- Thanks again for letting me crash.
Hey, you're not crashing, you were invited.
Well, thanks again for inviting me.
Well, thanks for coming.
[AWKWARD CHUCKLE.]
Okay, fuck it, I can't take this.
- Just tell us what's going on with Jeremy.
- Oh, thank God.
Honestly, I thought that was going to be the whole goddamn brunch.
Well he's having his fantasy league over and he actually kicked me out.
Okay, pause.
You're still living there? Oh, I know, I know, I know.
And it's just temporary until I find a new place.
Actually, I saw this guesthouse on Craigslist that I actually think could be really great for me.
The post said "vintage furniture, antique charm, accessible floorplan" No, you are not living somewhere from Craigslist because you will get murdered and they'll make a podcast about it and they'll want to interview me and I hate podcast people.
Babe, you need to shake up your life.
Okay? And instead of looking for a place, have a travel moment.
Get yourself a map, put your finger on the farthest place you can imagine, and then throw out the map and go to Costa Rica.
So intentionally get lost in the jungle? That's terrible advice.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize my advice was getting graded.
[TABLE SPLITS LOUDLY.]
You need to find an apartment that's aspirational a view, a gym something that says, "I put the 'sexy' in 'sexcessful.
'" If "successful" was spelled differently.
Oh sure, because all rich successful people are happy.
Think about it, Madison.
Steve Jobs killed himself.
Steve Jobs didn't kill himself.
Okay, why are you always correcting me? - Because you're consistently wrong.
- [JULES STRAINING.]
Um, you know, this isn't something I have to figure out today.
- Don't sweat it, Jules.
- Yeah, this has nothing to do with you.
I mean, it is an argument about me and I did directly cause it, but, yeah, no worries.
- Hey, where's the alcohol man? - Yeah.
Well, Jules, why don't you try a mimosa? I mean, sure, the champagne is more expensive, but it's a quality of successful people to invest in themselves.
Or get a Bloody Mary.
It has qualities of fun, happy, sexy people who like to spice it up every now and then.
Oh yeah, basing your entire life philosophy off Eat Pray Love sounds spicy, Stell.
Well, I can't wait to read your memoir, Mads: I Worked.
Then I Died.
- [TABLE RATTLING.]
- WAITER: Can I take your order? Oh, um [LAUGHS.]
I think I need a minute.
Okay, the fact that I got you this appointment is insane.
You know the Property Brothers? This is their third cousin.
By blood.
I just hope choosing to take your advice doesn't make Stella upset.
I just feel like aspirational could be what I need right now.
You made exactly the right decision.
Look, I love Stell, but she's been bouncing from house-sitting gig to nannying job to trip abroad since we graduated.
I mean, she's basically a very well-dressed homeless person.
Ladies, welcome.
Who's ready to change their entire life? Um, me.
This view is the only view in the entire city that offers visibility into the homes of all 19 Kardashians, plus, on a clear day [WHISPERING.]
Blac Chyna.
Yeah.
This way.
MADISON: Quick question.
This couch custom? - AGENT: Oh, yeah.
- MADISON: Oh! I knew it! Three words: Japanese snow monkeys.
Could I have a few more words? For your trip abroad.
The snow monkeys in the Akaishi Mountains will change your life.
Jules, come look at this! One second, I'm just texting my mom.
It's really cold there, but there's a thermal wear sale at this spot I know.
I mean, the universe is sending you a sign.
Ma'am, you don't work here.
You look amazing.
[LAUGHS.]
You're welcome.
MADISON: Jules! - Yep.
MADISON: No, this is beautiful.
Now, in addition to the amenities in-unit, the building features a gym, two pools, a spa, a rec center, an archery range, an in-house therapist, puppies you can play with whenever you want to, two coffee bars with oat milk lattes on draft, a baked crab handroll bar, a recording studio, an indoor ski mountain, a meditation room made entirely out of the wax of a Diptyque candle.
[STAMMERING.]
Okay, I'm gonna just, um how much is this per month? - Give you a moment.
- Thank you.
[GASPS.]
No, no.
- Oh, this seems doable.
- Doable? Doable as what? The gross domestic product of a mid-sized nation? Oh, you are being dramatic, I'm sure you're doing fine at work.
What are you making? Jules, wait, how is that even possible? That's barely entry level.
I mean, have you never asked for a raise? You've never asked for a raise? Okay, I'm sorry.
Listen, I just I just find talking to Celeste incredibly intimidating.
Okay, that's it.
Forget the apartment.
New piece of advice you're sitting down with your boss today, you are being strong, assertive, and leaning the fuck in.
- JULES: Okay, I will try.
I'm sorry.
- MADISON: And that word.
Okay, under no circumstances are you to apologize for asking to be paid what you deserve.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
No matter what: do not say "sorry.
" Got it? [MADISON SIGHS.]
- Got it.
- [SOFTLY.]
Good.
- [SOFTLY.]
Got it.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I said I'm sorry before.
[EXHALES.]
I really appreciate you taking the time to meet with me, Ms.
Oslow.
[VOICE MUFFLED.]
: Oh please, call me Celeste.
I'm trying this new amphibian facial for our summer skin care list.
[SIGHS.]
It's unbelievably hydrating.
Willow? [CELESTE SIGHS.]
Speaking of, your skin is luminous.
What are you using, placenta? Um soap, mostly.
Oh, and, uh, water.
Uh, I'd say water soap, water is like the whole routine.
- Huh, we haven't tried that yet.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Habanero green juice? - Oh, wow, thanks.
- [SOFTLY.]
Oh, Jesus, okay.
It's incredibly detoxifying.
Mm-hmm.
Hm! Ecch.
Sorry.
Nope [COUGHS.]
Nope, not sorry.
That was a reasonable reaction to pepper juice and I stand by it.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm Jules, by the way, from the Web design team.
Oh! I love putting a face to a name around here.
Jules.
Jules.
Jewels.
Emeralds.
Garnets.
Birthstones.
Birth.
Nesting.
Birds.
Robins.
Blue Jays.
Jay.
Jules.
- Got it.
- Right.
[LAUGHS.]
Anyway, the reason I wanted to sit down with you was, uh [SOFTLY.]
No.
We talked about this.
Um I've been here - There's cilantro in this.
- for a few years.
- You know how I feel about cilantro.
- And, um - Soap.
- Um CELESTE: It's not feeling spicy enough.
The simple fact is that I deserve [CELESTE GASPING.]
[ELECTRICITY SPARKS.]
My God.
Celeste, I am so s Eeeeh.
Um, that is to say, this was generally regrettable by me.
It's gettin' late But I'm just gettin' started It's been a day So I just wanna party Dancing away Um Hey, Stell.
Oh, hey, lady.
It's Monday.
- Is it? - Yeah.
And we always get our mani-pedis on Fridays, like we've been doing every other week for the past two years.
Together.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Huh.
Well, I guess since I went today, I'll be going every other Monday from now on.
By myself.
[MADISON EXHALES, STAMMERS.]
This wouldn't happen to have anything to do with us giving Jules advice the other day at brunch, would it? No, of course not.
We're just two girls who want the best for our friend but totally respect each other's differing opinions.
I could not have said it better myself.
[LAUGHS.]
Anyhoo, uh, I hope your pedicure is amazing.
Oh, well, I hope your lunch is incredible.
I hope tonight feels like your actual birthday.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
STELLA: Ow! Ha, ha, ha.
[SING-SONG.]
Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Ta - ta! [PHONE RINGS.]
Hey, Jules.
Stella, I think I'm ready to leave the country now.
JULES: Oh.
I already have four pairs of long underwear on.
This feels like a lot.
Do you know that most people have never met a Japanese snow monkey? Which makes me so sad.
Then I think about a Japanese snow monkey, I feel happy again.
[JULES SIGHS.]
I'm not feeling so great.
Sweetie, I know you're worried that Madison is gonna be upset that you went with my idea instead of hers.
Oh, I meant all the layers, but, yeah, I mean, I just came back into Madison's life.
I don't know if a great first move is to just ignore her advice and disappear again.
Madison spends her entire salary on stuff.
It's times like these where you need to ask yourself, do you wanna buy the book or do you wanna be the story? I wanna be wearing less tops.
We just have one less parka to try on 'cause you don't wanna get to Mount Hotaka and find out your last layer doesn't fit.
Scoot, scoot.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
How did the raise go? Shatter that glass ceiling? No raise, but definite shattering.
STELLA: How's it going in there? Um it fits.
I'm taking it off now.
Uh Stella? Give me space, Josh.
You've already tried that, Brendan.
If the mechanism is jammed, reversing it's only gonna make it worse.
Um maybe we should just cut it off.
Cut thermal fiber polar tech? Good luck.
Can't compromise that material with a chainsaw.
Stella, if I die, please don't let them bury me in this parka.
Hey, Jules, stay calm, okay? Panic makes the body expand.
All right, everyone stand back.
I'm an Eagle Scout.
We all know you never got your basketry badge, Brendan.
STELLA: You guys, please.
Okay? Bringing Brendan down isn't gonna lift you up, Josh.
I'm literally begging you to get me out of this coat.
All right, before I do, I'm gonna need a credit card.
That's 395 plus tax.
What? Are you shitting me? Oh, do you wanna sign up for our rewards program? It won't be 10% off this purchase, but it will be 10% off Just get this off me! - JEREMY: Hey! - [JULES SCREAMS.]
I like this new thing we're doing where I enter and you scream.
It's a fun dynamic for us.
Also, did you go on, like, a really bad ski trip? What are you doing here? I don't know.
I just thought I would pop by.
- Jeremy.
- It's Monday Night Football? Okay, you've gotta give me a heads-up if you're coming over here.
Jules, c'mon, it's nothing I haven't seen before.
I'm happy to get naked, too, if that'll make you more comfortable.
Thank you, no.
No naked naked stuff is done now, now that you've unsubscribed.
Look, I get that this is your place, but you did say I could stay here till I figured out my next move, so if that's the case, there have to be some boundaries.
Okay, I'm sorry.
It's just I'm driving Ramona crazy.
Okay? Well, I mean, if her coffee table looks anything like ours, I could see why.
It's called a Clorox wipe.
She's a total bridezilla basket-case with the wedding coming up.
I mean, you know her.
Can I please just stay on the couch until you leave? This? Here? Well Isn't that gonna be a little, um weird? Not at all.
I mean, I'm sure you're close to finding a place and until then we're both mature adults.
It'll be like we're roommates.
You know, just totally platonic roommates.
See you later, roomie.
[SPORTS COMMENTARY PLAYING SOFTLY.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
JEREMY: Hey, Juju, did I leave my phone in there? [SOFTLY.]
Yes.
Yes, you did.
ALISON B: Jules, listen, on my yoga teacher's honeymoon in Thailand, her and her husband accidentally killed a baby elephant with their Jeep convertible.
Oh God, why would you tell me that? I was trying to think of something that was almost as bad as your meeting with Celeste.
I'm making you feel better.
[SIGHS.]
Thanks.
I had temporarily suspended being upset about the Celeste thing so I could be upset that my ex-boyfriend wants to be "platonic roommates.
" - [BOTH GASP.]
- He cannot treat you like that.
- You should dump him.
- Mm-hmm.
He dumped me a week ago.
See? Look at you sticking up for yourself.
And we have salad.
See you out there.
I'll catch up with you guys.
Um We haven't gotten to talk one-on-one yet since I told you my shame.
Yeah, sorry, Alis Eh Izzy.
It's just been a really long week.
Kind of makes you want to change your name and live under a totally different identity, right? I'm just kidding, don't do that.
It's actually really hard.
[SCOFFS.]
I have to move out of my ex's place, but when I went to my girlfriends for advice, they disagreed and it caused this huge war between them.
Well, consider me the United Nations because I'm here to bring international peace.
And also because people don't take me seriously.
But, for realsies, I have an extra bedroom and you can totally stay with me.
Like a trial run.
Really? That might be perfect.
I wouldn't have to pick anyone's advice if I got a roommate.
Motion approved.
That's a Model U.
N.
thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
So this is it.
Welcome to Chez Izz.
Also my bat mitzvah theme.
It was basically "A Night in Paris," very classy.
And, yes, I will show you the DVD in bed later.
It's great.
Do you think it'd be okay if I just grabbed a shower? I really need to wash this day off me.
Oh, my God, of course.
Just right down the hall.
All the towels in there are clean.
I just did laundry.
Domestic.
Wife material.
Marry me, someone, anyone.
[CHUCKLES.]
IZZY: Pretty good water pressure, right? Oh, um I thought I closed the door.
Oh, did you want it closed? I'm so sorry.
I'm making you a post-rinse face mask.
Okay, this is amazing.
We're basically like the Olsen twins, and, um, before you say anything, it is very important to me that I be Ashley.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Ooh.
Izzy, is this supposed to tingle? [PHONE CHIMES.]
Yeah, it's activated charcoal, that means it's working.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Hi, popular.
Do you want me to check it? - Oh, no, no, that's okay.
- Madison's texting you.
I was being totally reasonable the other day at brunch, right? Oooh, what brunch? Oh, when her and Stella were fighting? "When you and Stella were fighting?" Send.
Wait, send? What do you mean, send? We weren't fighting! Did she say we were fighting? Tell me what she said.
Hey, J, has Madison texted you about me? - Is that Stella? - What should I say back? I just felt like she was kind of harsh at brunch, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm a person, I'm allowed to have my feelings hurt.
I don't know what to say, shouldn't she be telling this to Madison? Good idea.
Send.
Wait, send? Wh what send? Harsh? She thinks I'm being harsh? Did you just say something to Madison? She just asked me to return a pair of kitten heels I borrowed from her like six years ago.
Izzy, what did you do? Ow, ow, ow! Oh, my God, ow! Blind, stinging, it is multiplying.
Don't worry, I just sent Madison the screen shot of what Stella told you.
You did what? No, no, Izzy, I I just meant that they should be working this out directly.
Oh, okay.
Send.
Why the fuck did you just put the three of us in a group text? I'm confused, what does martini emoji, tree emoji mean? - Izzy! - No, no, no.
Olive branch.
Get it? We're, like, such peacemakers.
Oh, my God.
- Um, hello? - What's going on? - Jules! - Jules? - Jules? - Give me my phone! [GROANS.]
Oh, God! Hey, do you know where the Apple TV remote is? Never mind, found it.
[SCOFFS.]
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENTS OVER LOUDSPEAKER.]
It's just a strained ankle.
You'll live.
Let me go grab you some crutches.
Thank you.
I feel like this is my fault.
I'm gonna find you a mask.
The last thing you need on top of this sprain is bird flu.
Izzy, it's okay.
[SIGHS.]
I just don't understand how I got seen so quickly.
There's like a hundred people in that waiting room and one of them's holding their own finger.
Jules, that was not his finger.
Look, it's not a big deal.
I know someone at the hospital.
Know someone or paid someone? Okay, let's not start this again right now.
What? She wants me to stop, she'll just slip me a twenty.
- Really? - Stella, that's not fair.
- [SOFTLY.]
Thank you.
- But if you did pay someone off, I will pay you back, probably in instalments 'cause I don't know how much bribes cost.
I didn't pay anyone off, okay? I'm dating someone.
I'm dating someone who works here.
- Wait.
You're dating someone? - Who? One of my mom's doctors.
When she was sick, we got close and, I don't know, it just happened.
Why didn't you tell us? Because it's new and complicated and sometimes you don't want your friends weighing in with all their opinions, especially when you've got a gut feeling about something.
- A gut feeling? - MADISON: Yeah.
I had a gut feeling about where I should live and you told me I was gonna get murdered.
And you tried to ship me to a monkey tundra, and you sat in the bathroom while I showered, and, I'm sorry, but I really don't think you're well-suited for a roommate.
If I'm not well-suited for a roommate, then why have I had eight in the last three months? [SCOFFS.]
God, you know what? This isn't any of your faults.
This is my fault.
This is what's wrong with me.
Other people know how to run their lives and take advice and have friends and for some reason, I can't.
- Jules - I can't ask for a raise, I can't group text, I can't even go to a goddamn brunch without ruining things to the point that makes you two hate each other.
No wonder I hid away with Jeremy for so many years.
I'm never gonna figure out how to do this.
I need to just accept that we'd all be better off if I was completely alone.
IZZY: Oww! Aah! I hope that needle was clean.
Do you think it was? Whoa, babe, is that really what you think? No one would be better off that way.
And we don't hate each other.
That's insane.
We fight like this because we love each other.
I'm actually scary nice to the people I hate.
- Here's your crutches.
- Thank you so very much.
Like that woman should be terrified.
We're fine.
We're going for a fro-yo after this and all will be forgiven.
Exactly.
And in terms of you being alone, it's not happening.
We are not going anywhere.
Okay, well, if you're really not going anywhere, then I can just be honest.
I don't want an aspirational apartment and I don't want to travel.
I think I just want to live in that place from Craigslist and figure this out for myself.
Yes, girl.
Ask for advice, then do what you were gonna do the whole time anyways.
Congratulations, you're officially a human girl.
IZZY: Ooh, how about this? Do you want some "Oxycontin"? I feel like this drawer should be locked.
So when the ad said, "vintage furniture and antique charm"? Yep, all these antiques belonged to Nana right until the day she died.
Right on that couch.
- Ohh! - Now that she's gone, we're just looking for a renter.
The guest house has its own entrance so you'll be totally independent.
[GASPS.]
Speaking of independent, Nana's bathroom set-up is perfect for someone in your condition.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
"Accessible floorplan.
" Yeah.
Well, that makes sense now.
She's yours today if you want her.
You ready to be out of your old place? KESHA: I buy my own things I pay my own bills These diamond rings, my automobiles Everything I got, I bought it Boys can't buy my love Buy my love I'm a motherfucking woman, baby All right I don't need a man to be holding me too tight I'm a motherfucking woman, baby that's right I'm just having fun with my ladies here tonight I'm a motherfucker Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Mm, yeah I do what I want Say what you say I work real hard every day I'm a motherfucking woman, baby That's right I'm just having fun with my ladies here tonight I'm a motherfucker Oooh, whoa Oooh, whoa Oooh, whoa The tchotchkes are fun.
Yeah, no, I know this place has some unexpected charm, but it's mine.
Well, I personally love it.
We're really proud of you.
Yeah.
Totally get you don't need our help.
[MADISON CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, fine.
- Okay, the wallpaper has got to go - [ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE.]
Look at termite [ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE.]
WILSON PICKETT: It's too late For tears Honey, it's too late Too late to cry Oh, but it's too late Oh, for begging me, baby Honey, it's too late Too late To cry Now that you need me, darling