Donny! (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Welcome back.
Today we are doing a very special show, "Foxy at 50 and Beyond.
" Welcome, guys.
So, Dr.
Jane, you have a hot new book out there titled, "When I Grow Up I Want to be a JILF.
" It's GILF, Donny.
As in grandmother I'd like to f - Uh - A GILF.
Right.
Today, 50 is an entirely new landscape.
Science is changing the way women age.
This next generation of women will all be GILFs.
All right.
All right.
Calm down out there.
Okay, so, Kiara, what're the kind of things that you might do now that you wouldn't have done in your 30s? Well, for me, I didn't even know what good sex was until I turned 50.
I'm kinkier.
I'm more confident.
Let's stop on the kinky part, okay? Donny, this is not a date.
I would say the most important physical exercise is Kegels.
- Right ladies? - What is this? - Absolutely.
- Clenching those muscles you will keep yourself tight and moist.
And you can do it anywhere in the world.
You can do it on public transportation: trains, buses it's easy.
I gotta start taking public transportation a lot more.
Ew! Please move off this topic.
I have to tell you, to me, until a woman hits 48, she's not a woman yet.
I have no use for 25-year-olds, 30-year-olds.
Give me a plus-50 powerful woman every time.
That was so convincing.
Yeah, I almost believed you.
Can I stop you for a second? Is it "clit-oris" or "cli-toris?" Oh, no, Mr.
President, I thought I was your favorite ice skater? Do you know what Putin does to skaters that fail him? Bad skaters get punished.
Mr.
Putin is going to punish his bad skater.
No, ugh.
What're you doing? We're in a fantasy.
What's going on? I don't want to play failed Olympian anymore.
On your show you said a woman is nobody until 48.
That's TV.
Okay? I say stuff to get the audience cheering.
This is what I want.
You, baby.
Well, maybe you're too old for me.
What do you mean I'm too old for you? I'm in better shape than a lot of guys half my age, and this works great.
- It's easy.
- Easy? Maybe I'm too easy for you.
It's all good, baby.
Let's go back to Putin, okay? I want a pause, Donny.
Do you know what? Maybe I want a pause because you're nuts.
- Pause.
- Pause.
- Pause.
- Pause! - Pause.
- Pause.
- Pause.
- Go find an old lady.
Control, Alt, Delete.
Control, Alt, Delete.
Hey, sweetie, you busy? I'm not a sweetie, and yes I'm very busy.
You are, like, wired.
What is going on with you? I'm not wired.
I'm just frozen, and I need some help Ned! Look, look look You're favorite talk show host moi, is going to be in a major magazine, big deal thing.
About media man-children? - "Sexiest Men in Media.
" - I don't - No.
- Yeah.
The editor loved the whole Foxy 50 show we did.
She was like, "We need more people like you, standing up for women over 50.
" I'm telling you, my Instagram, my Sna what's the snap thing I got? - Chat.
- Snapchat.
Everybody's like, "Donny, we love you.
" "Donny, you're the best.
" Yeah, everybody really loved that big fat lie you told.
You've never dated anybody over 48 ever.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go out with an age appropriate woman.
What about Galina? We're taking a little pause.
A pause? Yeah, every couple months you take a month off, it keeps it fresh.
But she still has access to your credit card whether you're on play or pause? - Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- That's fair.
So, older women, what do we think? I mean, it's about time that you grow up.
I definitely, definitely wanna do this, but there's just I got a little fear thing.
- What? - I haven't been with a woman close to my age since, like, '93, '94 - Mm-hmm.
- And things were - a little different back then.
- Sure.
All the women, down there, there was a lot of Oh, you're talking about the bush.
Yes.
You don't have to say it that way, but it was all over everywhere, and I think I would freak a little bit.
I haven't seen a pubic hair in, like, 20 years.
Oh, and I'm sure you're on the cutting edge of pubic grooming.
I first of all, I'm a guy, so there's not that much to do.
It's different for a man and a woman.
You don't do anything to your crotch hair, and you expect a woman to be groomed perfectly to your liking? You're a pubic hypocrite.
I've never had any complaints, so I don't think you need to worry about me.
- Frozen again? - Yes.
- Hey, what's up, Ned? - How are you? - Oh, sorry.
- It's okay.
Older woman, babe.
Not older than me, but maybe, like, early 50s or something mid-50s.
Older women are where it's at, man.
Imagine the love of a mother, but sexualized.
I need your help finding my older woman.
And I'm gonna actually give you guys a little jump start, all right? I have a "All-star Donny's Fantasy List.
" All right, take this down: Marsha Brady, Mary Ann from "Gilligan's Island," any supermodel I would go '75, '85 - Years-old? - No.
- From 1975 to 1985.
- 1975 to 19 - Any Bond girl once again '75 to '85.
Uh, Jan Brady, Punky Brewster Pam Grier Literally, we have never heard of a single one of these.
Guys, just start with that, and you can beat it, okay? Just anywhere you wanna go.
I have an aunt who would love you.
Okay, no relatives, and we're only going top-shelf.
Find me my 50-plus queen.
Top-shelf, single malt lady in her 50s.
Friday night's free, guys.
We have searched far and wide into yesteryear, for a 50-plus woman for you to date.
Here are the results.
All right, Punky Brewster is married, and also offended.
Mary Ann, in "Gilligan's island", is actually 76.
Pam Grier says, "You can't handle Pam Grier.
" This is what you guys have? This is all we've come up with.
I got Christie Brinkley! - What? - What? - Yes! - Wow.
Big.
Nice.
I love her.
I had this, like, huge poster of her in my room when I was younger.
I know, you're mom told me.
Okay, wait a second, this is done? Yes.
Her agent told your agent that he is holding her Friday night.
Christie Brinkley, Christie Brinkley - Pop.
Wow.
- Boom Dee Dee Dee All right, guys, seriously though.
Do you want Zoe to make some rezzies for ya? I'm gonna do the dinner at Elio's, okay? Very quiet, romantic dinner, and then, we will bring her back here for the tour.
- Mm-mm, no.
- Oh No, Donny no.
You can't give Christie Brinkley the tour de seduction.
What is the tour de seduction? The tour was invented exactly for these situations.
Let me explain, come Friday, what's gonna kinda go down here, okay? - Dinner was great, wasn't it? - Amazing.
So, this is my home.
Oh, it's beautiful.
- First, there's the art.
- Oh, I love it.
Keith Haring.
And is that a Basquiat? And I always us the line, "You know, it's such a privilege to live with art.
" It's really a privilege to live with art.
And then, you know, they think I got some class.
I never knew you were so deep.
Then I take 'em to the staircase.
We establish size and dominance.
Look up.
Wow! At that point, you take them right up to the kitchen.
And here is the kitchen.
I don't use it a lot.
Well, you need somebody to cook for you.
Then cue the dogs.
Now, here come the babies.
- Yeah, hi.
- Aw.
Oh, yeah.
Who the man? Who the man? Then, we kinda go into the TV room.
Establish more scale, more dominance, more height.
The ceiling's so high.
It's, like it's not even a sport.
Then we go up to the kids' floor.
Oh, they're adorable.
I'll bet you're the best dad.
I try.
Mwah.
Then, the money shot.
They see the closet.
- Wow.
- It just goes on and on.
Oh, Donny.
It's so big.
And the shoes They start to see their own shoes on the closet.
And once they see their shoes, it's shoes to sheets.
Oh, can I move in with you? Do women actually fall for this? Well, women tend to kinda usually like this closet.
They think it's kinda cool.
Who does your shelf labeling? V neck, short sleeved God, you're so organized.
I know, it's a little embarrassing.
My housekeepers are very anal and they put labels up.
I like the smoking jacket.
I know, it looks silly when I have smoking jackets.
I just I got it for Halloween.
So, then people thought I looked cool so I got a couple of them.
You know, you didn't have to put on this whole show for me.
I didn't mean to be stupid.
I just, I mean, you're Christie Brinkley, so I was just trying to impress you.
No, it's not that.
When we were at dinner, I was already thinking of sleeping with you.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I think you're sexy.
I am gonna be honest.
I thought maybe at best we'd make out.
I didn't think that anything more would happen.
Yeah, well.
No, wait.
Get in there.
- Where? - In the bedroom.
- Okay.
- Take off your jacket.
No problem.
Take off your shirt.
I'm used to giving the orders, but, uh Mmm.
Take off your belt.
Why don't we just go let's go into bed.
Put the belt on the table behind you.
Okay.
We may need that later.
Take off your pants.
We could do this I like this, but I'm usually the one telling the woman what to do.
I mean, this is different and okay, but Stop wasting my time.
Okay.
Mmm.
Unusual for me.
Show me what you've got.
Give me a sec, I got an idea.
Chris, I got this whole I'm getting very creative here.
Don't go anywhere.
This is gonna be worth it.
Something very special.
One more second.
You know those moments when only the best will do? Like, I'm about to sleep with Christie Brinkley? That's when you pull out Purity Vodka.
Distilled 34 times for superior taste.
Purity, the most exceptional vodka.
I'm waiting.
All right, here we go.
You gonna like this.
All right, baby.
Here comes the big dog.
I know, it's impressive.
What? What're you laughing at? I haven't seen a shag like that since the 70s.
It's not a shag.
It's, um, you know, I trim a little bit.
It's not a lot.
It really isn't.
Just some, you know, appropriate pubic stuff.
Honestly, it's not Nobody's ever, like really? You know what, Donny? This has been fun, but I've gotta go.
Next time, okay, just take care of that.
If I cover my hands like this you only see the good parts.
Hopefully I'll see you soon.
We're gonna do it again though, right? Christie? I'll call you, okay.
Someone's a little extra uptight today.
A little.
Ready to be happy? I'm gonna say these words that have never come out of my mouth.
You were right.
I had my date with Christie, went well, but then your whole pubic hypocrite theory kicked in.
So it's over? No, she was actually very very sweet.
She just said, "Let's kinda end the night," and gave me kind of a little subtle homework assignment to kind of clean things up a little bit down there.
So you scare her off with your little Jew-poof, but she gives you a second chance.
Meanwhile, I have no one? How is that a fair world? Okay, let me take that one at a time.
Number one, there's nothing little down there, and you're alone because you refuse to date.
How am I supposed to date anyone when everyone pisses me off? Let's ratchet it back a little bit.
Instead of dating, you just simply need to get - Hit? - You need to get laid.
I mean, you're, like, so uptight.
Okay, on that extremely, way too personal note, I'm gonna go, and don't forget your homework Snip-snip and the Jew-poof.
There's no poof.
Pubic Parity! Equal rights! Let's go, Donny.
I see you on the beach.
Hamptons, baby.
Shirtless.
- Whew.
- Great set.
- Great set great work.
- Nice job.
Oh, man, I'd like to be on the beach.
Do you miss the days when guys would walk around with hair on their chests? You gotta keep it clean, shows the muscles.
Funny you should say that.
Let me ask you a question.
All right? This is kind of a personal question.
As far as, like, grooming and down here with, like, all the hair.
What do you do to keep stuff organized? - What do you mean? - Like, I gotta clean up.
I gotta do more than I'm doing down here.
You got a itch or something? No, I gotta do some scaping.
And I thought I did enough.
Like, what do you do? You asking me what I think you asking me? Can I see what you got down there? - You wanna see my penis.
- I really don't wanna see your pe I'm sure it's a very nice penis.
Ugh, what is wrong with you, man? I don't wanna see your penis.
I would actually, though, like to see what's above and around your penis.
- Donny.
- Listen.
Like, if you're penis was, like, the city, I just wanna see the suburbs.
- Cover the penis - Donny, Donny.
Show me the work.
- Stop look, I got you.
- I need your help, man.
- I got you.
- I don't wanna do all this - and do too much.
- Okay, bro.
- I just want you to shut up.
- All right, thanks.
- You ready? - I'm ready.
What you got? - Nice.
- Yeah, high and tight.
Okay, good, I got a mental picture of that.
You know, I thought I was gonna be a little more scared by that.
- No, not bad.
- I kinda see what's kinda cool about it.
High and tight.
- High and tight.
- Okay, baby.
- You gonna give me 50 for that.
- Okay.
I don't just show that to everybody.
Oops.
I am so glad you agreed to go out with me again.
Oh, me too.
And, like I promised, everything's all taken care of down here.
Yeah? What do you think? Better.
I did it for you, baby.
- All for you.
- Oh, listen.
These days, I'm really into role-play.
You good with that? I'm, like, Mr.
Role-play.
I mean, that's my thing.
Okay, here's I got a good one.
You're gonna love this.
- Right.
- I'm a cop, all right? And you're pulled over by the side of the road, whole damsel in distress thing, and I take out my big jack.
No.
How about this? I'm the first female President of the United States, and you're the intern who lost my briefs.
You're clearly terrible at your job.
Yet you come in here every day taunting me with your tight khakis.
I don't usually wear khakis.
- Stay in character! - Okay.
I'm doing the khakis.
And then flaunting your underwear band, and your mounds of ass.
Okay, I, um - I will Mrs.
President - Commander! Commander? Call me Commander! - Command me, Commander.
- Yes.
Mrs.
Prime Minister, take me back I'm sorry, Mrs.
Roosevelt.
I'll do better next time.
I was a bad boy, Condoleezza.
Justice Ginsburg I was bad.
I'll do better, Supreme Leader.
Don't discipline me.
I'm sorry.
Do it to me.
I'm such a bad boy.
It's time for Deutsch-man, Deutsch-man Donny Donny Deutsch-man We should say we're proud of you - because he - Yes.
I think Donny's done something he has never, ever, done before.
Finally dating an age appropriate woman.
- But the age appropriate woman - Oh, my wait.
- Looks like she's 25.
- Wait, wait, wait Christie Brinkley.
- Congratulations, Donny.
- Wow.
I have to say, guys, you've known me a long time, - Yeah.
- You know me personally.
- Yes.
- And I'm not, like, a mushy-gushy guy, but I have to tell you guys, I am in love with Christie Brinkley.
I wanna tell the world.
I can't believe I'm actually saying This is gonna be forever.
Well, I didn't know it was such the real thing until I was paging through that magazine? - "The Insider" magazine.
- "The Insider.
" "Sexy at 60, the silver age of Hollywood.
" Uh, I don't I mean, people don't think I look 60.
'Cause I'm just 57.
So, I mean, I sexy is good, but, I mean, that's not correct.
The Christie and me part is correct Who cares? 57, 60, Donny, who cares? It's just a number.
This is gonna be forever.
- I would jump it - Why would you use the "F" word right now? It's not forever.
If I could jump up on this right now.
I would cruise it.
- Cruise it! - Cruise it! I can't do it, but in theory that's what I'm feeling.
- All right.
- I gotta tell you.
- Well - Goo-goo ga-ga.
Oh, don't use the goo-goo ga-ga word.
- I'm like a giddy teenager.
- Wow.
Huh? What're you doing here, babe? I know, couldn't stay away from me.
Honestly, when I leave you, all I wanna do is be with you.
Did you see me on the show today? Was that, like, I just went crazy.
Yeah, I did.
All right, what should we do for lunch? Donny, I wanna talk about us.
Us is great, there's nothing to talk about.
To be honest, I just don't think it's gonna work out between us.
- This is bad.
- We are, like, perfect.
This is aren't you feeling this? Oh, no, no, I definitely have feelings for you.
I just don't like that Silver Age of Hollywood thing, and frankly, you're aging me up.
- She called him old.
- I think this is crazy - He's gonna be a disaster.
- I-I could I just, literally, professed my love for you on national television, on the "Today" show.
That didn't help.
Hundred push-ups, right now.
Watch this.
I challenge any young guy to come in here look at this.
Let some young guy do this.
Let's have a push-up contest.
I'm serious.
Come on, bring 'em over.
- Bring any young guy by.
- Goodbye.
Christie! - Twenty.
- I can't look.
Christie, I'll get a tummy tuck.
Christie, look at this.
Come on, I'm not even a quarter of the way there I'm not even sweating.
I'm still doing 'em, Christie.
Come on, I'll kick any young guys ass.
- She broke up with me.
- We know.
I literally feel lonely already.
It's, like, insane.
Should I give Galina a call? - Yeah.
- Wait, Galina already? Maybe you should take some time.
- Be alone - No, not a good idea.
He can't be one.
That's why he has three assistants, and two chefs, and a dog walker, and a dog trainer, and a house manager, personal trainer, and a masseuse - Hey, Donny.
- Hey, where are you at? I'm still at the office.
What're you doing there so late? I had to get my motherboard rebooted.
Hey, can you hand me my glasses? These are your glasses.
Those are mine.
She dumped me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's not funny.
I'm sorry if you find that funny.
I'm actually hurting.
I'm a human being.
- I have a heart.
- No, no, no I'm really sorry.
Whatever if anyone asks, just say I dumped her.
Oh, yeah, okay.
That's real mature.
- Oh, yes, I'm immature.
- Look, I gotta go.
All right, before you hang up, - will you do me a favor? - Bye.
Hello? Hello? - Hey.
- Hi.
So, you wanna go out sometime? Let's not get carried away, right? But thank you.
- Thanks for the reboot.
- Thanks for the intercourse.
That's what you get for playing with really old fire.
I know, I was so stupid.
Mm.
Admit.
You missed me.
I missed you bad.
Make it up to me.
You be Mussolini.
I'll be the terrible housekeeper.
Do I always have to be, like, a dictator? Can we maybe do where you're a Russian, female, powerful Prime Minister, and I'm, like, a soldier that deserted, and you're gonna punish me? No, that's weird.
Be my Mussolini.
I make a big mess.
Mussolini upset with you.
Mussolini mad at the mess you make.
You clean up the pasta.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I start cleaning.
Right down here What the hell did you do? Babe, that's the high and tight.
I thought you'd like it.
No, it looks like an elephant trunk.
Mm-mm.
Can't win.
- Take 21.
- I have to know exactly what my words are.
Purity Vodka.
I think we can do this simpler and even beter for the vodka.
Purity.
- You gotta say vodka.
- I got it.
I got it.
Purity Purity what's the line?