Don't Even (2024) s01e02 Episode Script
Welcome to the Band Office
Yo, I gotta
hit up the bargain store
and then I gotta
meet with a customer.
I need to get
a suitcase for Toronto,
and a little shampoo bottle--
Why you wasting your money
on a suitcase?
I was just gonna
use garbage bags.
Ever slack.
- Garbage bags are luggage.
- Thank you!
Wait, customer for what?
You don't gotta
know all my business.
Anyway, meet me
at the front doors by close
or else you can take the bus.
HARLEY: Ugh!
Not the Ellis bus!
It's the Smell-Us bus!
Hate the bus!
♪
Yeah, so, did I tell you
Jay let me drive his car?
Yeah.
Dating a real man
is where it's at.
You know, none of this
taking me out to 7-11,
making me wolf down a hot dog
before the cashier sees
bullshit.
At what age does a man
become a man, anyway?
Kinda hard to tell, you know,
since they don't get their moon.
Yeah
I mean, with Jay,
it's just different, you know?
He just
is a man.
He's 21.
He works that sick-ass PI job.
I will say, we do have to
hang out at really weird times,
'cause he works
crazy hours, but
Ooh, I just really
wanna see him again!
I've never seen your gitch
this twisted over a dude before.
So page him.
Now's as random a time as any.
You beautiful 'Nish.
You're right!
I'll page him.
Mm-hm!
Okay, now you.
Call Tyler.
I can't.
- Oh, come on!
- Harley, I can't.
Come on, just see if
he wants to hang out, come on.
- I can't. Harley, I can't.
- Violet!
He gave me his number
to give to you!
Plus, we're leaving
at the end of summer!
Who cares?!
- Screw it, okay.
- Boom!
Get yer chicken leg, girl!
Oh yeah, Tyler!
Tyler, I love the way you do me!
- Shut up!
- Tyler!
Hi!
Is Tyler there?
Yeah, no, this is Violet.
I work with him.
[Harley whistling]
HARLEY: Ho-ly!
You guys were yacking
for like half an hour!
I told you he was into you.
Not even, man.
That was his mom.
Yeah.
Trying to sell me
her friggin' Tupperware.
Tupperware?
Ugh!
Just save your margarine
containers like the rest of us.
I know!
Whoa, what's up, mall rats?
Settle down, McGruff.
I didn't know they put you here.
Yeah, I'm posted here
for a couple weeks.
The old guys got fired
for selling weasels
in the parking lot, so
I'm the only man on the ground.
[sarcastic]
Cool.
Hey, someone's
gotta take responsibility.
Keep the neighbourhood safe.
SECURITY: [walkie-talkie]
10-46. Puke.
South stairwell.
Someone's gotta
take responsibility.
WESLEY: Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.
The janitor got busted
for washing his jorts
in the fountain, so
SECURITY: [walkie-talkie]
10-33, Kid.
Send a mop.
WESLEY: Uh, copy.
I mean, uh
10-4.
Duty calls!
- Oof.
- Fucking idiot.
[both laugh]
You know you only
have white dolls, right?
"Village of the Damned"
over here.
You know Winnipeg has
the biggest Native population
in all of Canada?
You're really missing out
on a market here.
What's this?
That Babbage meat guy
has a book?
$19.99 liquidation sale?
More like liquidation steal.
My change?
Read a newspaper, frig.
♪
Violet,
what do you think?
No, you can't wear
a bandana as a top.
Why? It's the look.
Says who?
JAY: Hey, Sluggo!
Jay! Oh my God, I thought
you were on a stakeout.
Isn't a stakeout
just, like, lurking?
Shh!
I'm on the job.
I got your page.
I had to see you, babe.
[man sneezes]
Hey, that's my mark.
Right there.
Don't look.
That frumpy dad?
JAY: They call him
Itchy Pete.
He's a lot more dangerous
than he looks.
Oh my God, it's always
the ones you least suspect!
He knows exactly
what he's doing.
Hey, you wanna help me case him?
Oh, uh, if Violet can come?
No, it's okay.
You guys go on ahead.
One second.
Violet, I'm not ditching you.
I know!
I have to get that
suitcase anyway.
JAY: You coming, babe?
Go ahead. Go!
Okay.
I'll meet you at the doors
with Cousin Cheryl, okay?
- Alright. Have fun!
- Bye!
Oh, I'm ready!
Let's get him!
♪
CHERYL: This guy's
a frickin' business genius.
[loud smacking]
WOODY: Hey!
You're hurting them!
Not even.
[chuckles]
Even.
[laughs]
Oh, shit.
You're that wrestler kid.
Just did my first match.
Yeah, you really
got your arse handed to ya.
But
Anyway, what's all this?
Oh, this?
I'm about to make 100 clams.
Shonias baby.
Well, don't just stand there
mouth breathin'.
Help me, then.
Alright, ready?
Smash.
["I Don't Want It All"
by April Laragy playing]
[grunting]
♪
[grunting]
♪
[yelling]
I fall in love
with every day ♪
I hear the TV
Poo-bahs say ♪
You've got nowhere to go ♪
Whoa, mama.
Pretty people walk on by ♪
I don't want it all ♪
I got it all ♪
Yeah, yeah.
I don't want it all ♪
[music gets quieter]
Hey, Showboat!
I didn't know you worked here.
Oh, gotta love
that employee discount.
Nice!
Dude, this is wicked.
Oh, she's limited edition!
The Phoenix!
Try her on.
- You get the message I left?
- No, what's up?
The Roids won't let me
use their rehearsal space
'cause I "stole the van."
That's whack.
We could jam at my place.
Solid!
I found an old Casio
and I wanna see
if I can get it into a pedal.
That's so sick!
Oh, you look deadly!
Not for 300 bucks!
It's custom.
And it's the last one
in the store, too.
Well
I mean, I have my grad money
and my paycheque.
But that's for school.
And I'd still be short 40 bucks.
Well
I can hold it 'til close.
You have till 6
to come up with the money.
Oh, man.
My mom would kill me.
SHOWBOAT: It's a Phoenix, though.
MICKEY: I'll take dat.
Friggin' Mickey Carp.
I saw it first!
You think you can
hotdog in that thing?
'Cause alls I see
is wiener water!
Give 'er here.
Hold up.
It's on hold.
You'll have to wait 'til close.
But I have the money now!
WOMAN: Help!
I'm stuck!
Great.
Every time someone
tries on leather pants,
I gotta pry 'em out.
Every single time.
Fine!
Bend over, lady!
VIOLET: The jacket is mine!
[woman grunting]
ANNOUNCEMENT: Paging security.
Angry pigeons are popping
balloons in the party store.
Please get the pigeon broom.
Wesley, I mean you.
CHERYL: New customers.
Keep 6.
Why would anyone
wanna buy a busted-ass doll?
It's not just
a busted-ass doll.
Sit tight.
Oh, man, you're dealing.
You're hiding drugs up
the doll's butt or something?
[scoffs]
I'm not dealing, come on!
I gotta meet a new customer.
Let's go.
Wait, if it's not drugs
is it diamonds?
JAY: Yeah, y'know,
most PI work
is just following around
dirtbag cheating husbands.
Itchy Pete here
is one sick son of a bitch.
HARLEY: Really?
I thought PI-ing
would be more like
criminal shit.
Cheating is criminal.
I hate cheaters.
Sorry, uh
My dad cheated on my mom
when I was young.
Sorry if that's
too real.
No it's not!
I'm so sorry, Jay.
That sucks.
It's not your fault.
You know what?
We should come up with a cover.
In case Itchy Pete
here gets wise.
- Got any ideas?
- Uh, okay.
Um, I mean, I can do
a really good British accent.
Uh, yeah--
[terrible accent]
Crikey, which way to the loo?!
[chuckles]
Um, yeah
- How about we're newlyweds?
- Okay, uh
Shopping for your
birthday present, eh?
Like a blow-up couch?
JAY: Uh
[indistinct chatter]
VIOLET: I thought
you might be here.
[laughs]
Welcome to the band office!
Unc, you got 40 bucks
I could borrow?
There's a jacket
that I really want.
It's a Phoenix!
A what now?
Come on, my girl.
I already gave you
your grad money.
My scratch is all tied up
in pullies anyways.
Friggin' pretzel coupons,
tampons
That's all I got. Come on!
My favourite uncle.
Gee!
Here.
Lookin' all mukabee 'cause
you can't buy your bird.
Thank you!
If you win, I get half.
Hm
70/30?
Half!
Oh!
I won 60 bucks!
Give me 30!
We said half.
Cash in and pay up!
What kind of band office
is this, anyway?
I mean, thank you.
Now I just need ten bucks.
JAY: Look, over here.
What about this one, sweetheart?
It's got a
a CD and a tape player.
But of course, husband.
It'll look so nice up top our
- fireplace!
- Ah!
[trimmer buzzing]
Yeah, nose hairs, Itchy Pete!
Oh! Honey, come here.
[in a whisper]
Okay
[in a whisper]
Almost got him.
[shutter clicks]
ITCHY PETE: My wonky eye!
HARLEY: Oh my God!
[giggling]
Oh my God.
Close call.
♪
I just can't
ignore the signs ♪
Heaven-sent by golden minds ♪
And with you,
it's all designed ♪
I just don't want ♪
Itchy Pete!
Come on, he's getting away!
♪
♪
Cheryl?
Oh, what's up, Showboat?
Gonna come by the mall
and not stop by?
We good?
Uh, I mean, I'm here on
a more official capacity.
Looks like
you're playing dolls
with
Woody.
Wassup!
We're here doing business.
Portfolio business.
With, um, portfolios
and documents, and, uh
It's serious business.
'Kay, den.
WOODY: We got a
customer waiting.
ANNOUNCEMENT:
Attention, shoppers.
Beware of a moustached man
named Dale posing as security.
No actual security employee
will ask you to borrow
your credit card
for a quick sec.
My God, Violet!
Jay is so fine!
Do you have any cash on you?
I just need 10 bucks.
- No, I don't-- I didn't--
- Don't worry about it!
I'll--
I'll catch you later, okay?
- Okay, okay!
- Okay!
[gasps]
Watch yourself!
The fock!
[dryer blasting]
[sighs]
WOMAN: Hello?
Someone there?
Yeah?
WOMAN: Oh, thank God.
It's an emergency.
Do you have a tampon?
[smooth jazz
playing on speakers]
Yeah, you bet I do!
Five jumbo tampons
for ten bucks.
WOMAN: Fine.
Pass them under the stall.
Money first.
WOMAN: Ugh
[muttering angrily]
Christ all-mighty
Here!
Gosh, I should never
have come downtown.
MICKEY: I'll take that!
Give me that
frickin' ten'er, Mickey!
WOMAN: Is this a robbery?
You owe me for that
friggin' pop you spilled.
You bumped into me, Mickey!
Mickey!
WOMAN: I just want my tampons
and then I'll go back to Tuxedo.
Okay?
- [door clicks]
- [woman gasps]
WOMAN: Oh!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Mickey! Mickey!
- [pounding on door]
[peaceful piano music]
JAY: He almost got away.
We need to put a tracker on him.
Jeez, it's so small.
Hey, you know what?
You wanna make the drop?
Really?
I don't wanna screw it up!
Oh, come on.
You know, just take it slow.
Don't make any sudden movements.
You got this.
[piano playing continues]
♪
♪
♪
HARLEY: Oh-ho-ho!
Oh my God, I did it!
That was awesome!
You know what?
You make a pretty
awesome partner.
HARLEY: I love PI-ing.
WOMAN: I don't
wanna die in here!
Helloooo!!
[pounding on door]
WOMAN: I don't
wanna die in here!
Chill, lady!
WOMAN: I leave everything
to Pickle, my chow chow.
I should have never sued my son.
He's just a kid.
He didn't even have
a bank account.
I'm terrified!
- [woman sobbing]
- [knock on door]
WESLEY: Security,
coming through.
WOMAN: Help! I'm trapped!
Uh, do you need assistance?
WOMAN: Yes!
I've been kidnapped
and held on the toilet!
Wesley, it's me, Vi.
- Whoa-whoa-whoa!
- What? I gotta go!
Do me a solid.
I'm starving!
Get me something to eat.
Why can't you
waddle over there yourself?
Uh, I'm on patrol, Vi.
Please
Please.
All right.
Loaded pretzel?
Yeah, yeah!
Perfect! Thank you!
Woo!
Now I just need five bucks!
WOMAN: You'll rue the day!
♪
♪
Yo, that lady had a snake!
Friggin' wrapped around
her neck and everything.
At least she paid
top dollar, though.
You're selling
sex dolls to perverts?
Fock, no.
Look, I buy a cheap doll,
and then I make 'em
look all creepy.
Sell 'em on the net
for all the freaks
to go nuts
bidding on 'em.
They're not actually possessed,
though, right?
Look, real or not,
that lady paid $150
for a haunted doll.
Haunted doll?
You better not go messin'
with the spirit world.
Don't go creeping up
on people like that, Fox man.
You go poking around
the spirit world
you never know who'll poke back.
Wise man.
I'm not. I won't.
He isn't.
All right, off to the slots.
You know, you better
not jack my doll idea!
Why'd you tell me this, then?
You know,
I seen you wrestlin'.
If you wanna call it that.
[chuckles]
But I know you can take a hit,
and, you know,
I thought I could
use some back-up.
You know, I mean,
all these weirdos from the net.
Mm-hm.
- You thought of everything.
- Mm-hm.
♪
You know, if you were really
serious about wrestling,
you could use a manager.
Someone to handle the business.
You know, like sponsorships,
cooler shoes, bigger matches
Wait!
Would you manage me?
Uh
That's not really my thing.
I'll give you 10 percent
of everything I make.
Ah, too busy, you know?
It's
20 percent.
22 percent,
and full creative control.
Deal!
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention,
the mall is nearing close.
Wrap up your shopping,
people
VIOLET: Can I get
the pretzel deal?
I got this five-dollar coupon.
I'm kinda in a hurry.
Aw, you have such a cute smile
in your status card pic.
You know,
you don't need a laminated card
to prove that you
have treaty rights.
Yeah, you know, I really
wish the people who say
we get everything for free
were actually right.
Yeah, right?
It's not about free.
We should always
assert our rights!
What rights do we get anyways?
Whatever Canada says,
that's what--
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention, shoppers.
The mall is closing
in five minutes.
Status card
Assert my treaty rights
ANNOUNCEMENT: Go home!
No tax
I can afford my jacket!
Wait, no,
it's more complicated than--
Thanks, Pretzel Lady!
65 nickels in my pocket ♪
I got 65 nickels
in my pocket ♪
Here!
- What the hell is this?
- Your lunch!
Be grateful!
Oh, come on, man!
SECURITY: [walkie-talkie]
314 in Streetwear.
314 in Streetwear.
Stat!
- MALE VOICE: Oh, baby
- [woman moaning]
I am so sorry, sir.
Can I help you?
Sorry.
ITCHY PETE: Damn pervert mall.
[kissing sounds]
MALE VOICE: Oh, baby
Listen,
you can't hook up in here.
Come on, mall's closing.
Time to go.
Yeah,
I know what you're thinkin' ♪
You know I feel the same ♪
Oh, get lost!
Mall cop.
Don't tell me
that it's over ♪
Just tell me you'll stay ♪
Okay. I'll take it.
260 on debit,
35 in cash, and no tax.
I'm asserting my treaty rights.
You can't use
Status Cards in Winnipeg.
This mall's rezzy,
but it's not the rez.
What store am I supposed
to use it in, then?
I dunno, the dentist?
Man
MICKEY: Caw-caw!
Fly that Phoenix
over here.
VIOLET: Yeah, man
I'm short.
Hold up.
- [cash register beeping]
- $300
plus a 15 percent
employee discount.
45 bucks off.
You're good, Violet.
You can't do that!
Mmm I just did!
Ooh!
Will you look at that?
We're closed!
Looks like you're gonna
have to come back tomorrow.
[gasps]
There's a sale on chaps!
[chuckles]
Jacket's fugly anyways.
Eugh.
I owe you one.
That was really cool.
Ain't no thang.
Just make sure to wear it
to our jam sesh.
You bet I will.
Just want to be
who I truly am
and seen without disguise ♪
Uh, that doesn't
look like a suitcase.
You were right.
Garbage bags are luggage.
What happened to your neck?
Shut up.
It's nothing.
Never mind that, perverts.
What do you know
about wrestling?
- What are you talking about?
- Friggin' Womankind over here!
Awas!
I can't ask you two nuthin'.
HARLEY: Somethin' shady,
or what?
VIOLET: Shotgun!
I let myself down
with every breath ♪
♪
♪
Mandatory secrets
kept my memories unfold ♪
[phone buttons beeping]
[line ringing]
- TYLER: Hello?
- WOMAN: Hello?
TYLER: Donna, I got it!
Hi, Tyler?
TYLER: Yo.
Um
It's-- it's Violet.
From work.
TYLER: Oh, sick!
Stoked you called.
You are?
TYLER: Yeah, for sure.
Yo, you into music?
For sure.
TYLER: Dope, 'cause
I just started a new band,
and we're epic.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I could show you,
if you want.
Wanna kick it after work?
Mandatory secrets kept
my memories unfold ♪
WOMAN: Hello?
My tampon?
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
hit up the bargain store
and then I gotta
meet with a customer.
I need to get
a suitcase for Toronto,
and a little shampoo bottle--
Why you wasting your money
on a suitcase?
I was just gonna
use garbage bags.
Ever slack.
- Garbage bags are luggage.
- Thank you!
Wait, customer for what?
You don't gotta
know all my business.
Anyway, meet me
at the front doors by close
or else you can take the bus.
HARLEY: Ugh!
Not the Ellis bus!
It's the Smell-Us bus!
Hate the bus!
♪
Yeah, so, did I tell you
Jay let me drive his car?
Yeah.
Dating a real man
is where it's at.
You know, none of this
taking me out to 7-11,
making me wolf down a hot dog
before the cashier sees
bullshit.
At what age does a man
become a man, anyway?
Kinda hard to tell, you know,
since they don't get their moon.
Yeah
I mean, with Jay,
it's just different, you know?
He just
is a man.
He's 21.
He works that sick-ass PI job.
I will say, we do have to
hang out at really weird times,
'cause he works
crazy hours, but
Ooh, I just really
wanna see him again!
I've never seen your gitch
this twisted over a dude before.
So page him.
Now's as random a time as any.
You beautiful 'Nish.
You're right!
I'll page him.
Mm-hm!
Okay, now you.
Call Tyler.
I can't.
- Oh, come on!
- Harley, I can't.
Come on, just see if
he wants to hang out, come on.
- I can't. Harley, I can't.
- Violet!
He gave me his number
to give to you!
Plus, we're leaving
at the end of summer!
Who cares?!
- Screw it, okay.
- Boom!
Get yer chicken leg, girl!
Oh yeah, Tyler!
Tyler, I love the way you do me!
- Shut up!
- Tyler!
Hi!
Is Tyler there?
Yeah, no, this is Violet.
I work with him.
[Harley whistling]
HARLEY: Ho-ly!
You guys were yacking
for like half an hour!
I told you he was into you.
Not even, man.
That was his mom.
Yeah.
Trying to sell me
her friggin' Tupperware.
Tupperware?
Ugh!
Just save your margarine
containers like the rest of us.
I know!
Whoa, what's up, mall rats?
Settle down, McGruff.
I didn't know they put you here.
Yeah, I'm posted here
for a couple weeks.
The old guys got fired
for selling weasels
in the parking lot, so
I'm the only man on the ground.
[sarcastic]
Cool.
Hey, someone's
gotta take responsibility.
Keep the neighbourhood safe.
SECURITY: [walkie-talkie]
10-46. Puke.
South stairwell.
Someone's gotta
take responsibility.
WESLEY: Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.
The janitor got busted
for washing his jorts
in the fountain, so
SECURITY: [walkie-talkie]
10-33, Kid.
Send a mop.
WESLEY: Uh, copy.
I mean, uh
10-4.
Duty calls!
- Oof.
- Fucking idiot.
[both laugh]
You know you only
have white dolls, right?
"Village of the Damned"
over here.
You know Winnipeg has
the biggest Native population
in all of Canada?
You're really missing out
on a market here.
What's this?
That Babbage meat guy
has a book?
$19.99 liquidation sale?
More like liquidation steal.
My change?
Read a newspaper, frig.
♪
Violet,
what do you think?
No, you can't wear
a bandana as a top.
Why? It's the look.
Says who?
JAY: Hey, Sluggo!
Jay! Oh my God, I thought
you were on a stakeout.
Isn't a stakeout
just, like, lurking?
Shh!
I'm on the job.
I got your page.
I had to see you, babe.
[man sneezes]
Hey, that's my mark.
Right there.
Don't look.
That frumpy dad?
JAY: They call him
Itchy Pete.
He's a lot more dangerous
than he looks.
Oh my God, it's always
the ones you least suspect!
He knows exactly
what he's doing.
Hey, you wanna help me case him?
Oh, uh, if Violet can come?
No, it's okay.
You guys go on ahead.
One second.
Violet, I'm not ditching you.
I know!
I have to get that
suitcase anyway.
JAY: You coming, babe?
Go ahead. Go!
Okay.
I'll meet you at the doors
with Cousin Cheryl, okay?
- Alright. Have fun!
- Bye!
Oh, I'm ready!
Let's get him!
♪
CHERYL: This guy's
a frickin' business genius.
[loud smacking]
WOODY: Hey!
You're hurting them!
Not even.
[chuckles]
Even.
[laughs]
Oh, shit.
You're that wrestler kid.
Just did my first match.
Yeah, you really
got your arse handed to ya.
But
Anyway, what's all this?
Oh, this?
I'm about to make 100 clams.
Shonias baby.
Well, don't just stand there
mouth breathin'.
Help me, then.
Alright, ready?
Smash.
["I Don't Want It All"
by April Laragy playing]
[grunting]
♪
[grunting]
♪
[yelling]
I fall in love
with every day ♪
I hear the TV
Poo-bahs say ♪
You've got nowhere to go ♪
Whoa, mama.
Pretty people walk on by ♪
I don't want it all ♪
I got it all ♪
Yeah, yeah.
I don't want it all ♪
[music gets quieter]
Hey, Showboat!
I didn't know you worked here.
Oh, gotta love
that employee discount.
Nice!
Dude, this is wicked.
Oh, she's limited edition!
The Phoenix!
Try her on.
- You get the message I left?
- No, what's up?
The Roids won't let me
use their rehearsal space
'cause I "stole the van."
That's whack.
We could jam at my place.
Solid!
I found an old Casio
and I wanna see
if I can get it into a pedal.
That's so sick!
Oh, you look deadly!
Not for 300 bucks!
It's custom.
And it's the last one
in the store, too.
Well
I mean, I have my grad money
and my paycheque.
But that's for school.
And I'd still be short 40 bucks.
Well
I can hold it 'til close.
You have till 6
to come up with the money.
Oh, man.
My mom would kill me.
SHOWBOAT: It's a Phoenix, though.
MICKEY: I'll take dat.
Friggin' Mickey Carp.
I saw it first!
You think you can
hotdog in that thing?
'Cause alls I see
is wiener water!
Give 'er here.
Hold up.
It's on hold.
You'll have to wait 'til close.
But I have the money now!
WOMAN: Help!
I'm stuck!
Great.
Every time someone
tries on leather pants,
I gotta pry 'em out.
Every single time.
Fine!
Bend over, lady!
VIOLET: The jacket is mine!
[woman grunting]
ANNOUNCEMENT: Paging security.
Angry pigeons are popping
balloons in the party store.
Please get the pigeon broom.
Wesley, I mean you.
CHERYL: New customers.
Keep 6.
Why would anyone
wanna buy a busted-ass doll?
It's not just
a busted-ass doll.
Sit tight.
Oh, man, you're dealing.
You're hiding drugs up
the doll's butt or something?
[scoffs]
I'm not dealing, come on!
I gotta meet a new customer.
Let's go.
Wait, if it's not drugs
is it diamonds?
JAY: Yeah, y'know,
most PI work
is just following around
dirtbag cheating husbands.
Itchy Pete here
is one sick son of a bitch.
HARLEY: Really?
I thought PI-ing
would be more like
criminal shit.
Cheating is criminal.
I hate cheaters.
Sorry, uh
My dad cheated on my mom
when I was young.
Sorry if that's
too real.
No it's not!
I'm so sorry, Jay.
That sucks.
It's not your fault.
You know what?
We should come up with a cover.
In case Itchy Pete
here gets wise.
- Got any ideas?
- Uh, okay.
Um, I mean, I can do
a really good British accent.
Uh, yeah--
[terrible accent]
Crikey, which way to the loo?!
[chuckles]
Um, yeah
- How about we're newlyweds?
- Okay, uh
Shopping for your
birthday present, eh?
Like a blow-up couch?
JAY: Uh
[indistinct chatter]
VIOLET: I thought
you might be here.
[laughs]
Welcome to the band office!
Unc, you got 40 bucks
I could borrow?
There's a jacket
that I really want.
It's a Phoenix!
A what now?
Come on, my girl.
I already gave you
your grad money.
My scratch is all tied up
in pullies anyways.
Friggin' pretzel coupons,
tampons
That's all I got. Come on!
My favourite uncle.
Gee!
Here.
Lookin' all mukabee 'cause
you can't buy your bird.
Thank you!
If you win, I get half.
Hm
70/30?
Half!
Oh!
I won 60 bucks!
Give me 30!
We said half.
Cash in and pay up!
What kind of band office
is this, anyway?
I mean, thank you.
Now I just need ten bucks.
JAY: Look, over here.
What about this one, sweetheart?
It's got a
a CD and a tape player.
But of course, husband.
It'll look so nice up top our
- fireplace!
- Ah!
[trimmer buzzing]
Yeah, nose hairs, Itchy Pete!
Oh! Honey, come here.
[in a whisper]
Okay
[in a whisper]
Almost got him.
[shutter clicks]
ITCHY PETE: My wonky eye!
HARLEY: Oh my God!
[giggling]
Oh my God.
Close call.
♪
I just can't
ignore the signs ♪
Heaven-sent by golden minds ♪
And with you,
it's all designed ♪
I just don't want ♪
Itchy Pete!
Come on, he's getting away!
♪
♪
Cheryl?
Oh, what's up, Showboat?
Gonna come by the mall
and not stop by?
We good?
Uh, I mean, I'm here on
a more official capacity.
Looks like
you're playing dolls
with
Woody.
Wassup!
We're here doing business.
Portfolio business.
With, um, portfolios
and documents, and, uh
It's serious business.
'Kay, den.
WOODY: We got a
customer waiting.
ANNOUNCEMENT:
Attention, shoppers.
Beware of a moustached man
named Dale posing as security.
No actual security employee
will ask you to borrow
your credit card
for a quick sec.
My God, Violet!
Jay is so fine!
Do you have any cash on you?
I just need 10 bucks.
- No, I don't-- I didn't--
- Don't worry about it!
I'll--
I'll catch you later, okay?
- Okay, okay!
- Okay!
[gasps]
Watch yourself!
The fock!
[dryer blasting]
[sighs]
WOMAN: Hello?
Someone there?
Yeah?
WOMAN: Oh, thank God.
It's an emergency.
Do you have a tampon?
[smooth jazz
playing on speakers]
Yeah, you bet I do!
Five jumbo tampons
for ten bucks.
WOMAN: Fine.
Pass them under the stall.
Money first.
WOMAN: Ugh
[muttering angrily]
Christ all-mighty
Here!
Gosh, I should never
have come downtown.
MICKEY: I'll take that!
Give me that
frickin' ten'er, Mickey!
WOMAN: Is this a robbery?
You owe me for that
friggin' pop you spilled.
You bumped into me, Mickey!
Mickey!
WOMAN: I just want my tampons
and then I'll go back to Tuxedo.
Okay?
- [door clicks]
- [woman gasps]
WOMAN: Oh!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Mickey! Mickey!
- [pounding on door]
[peaceful piano music]
JAY: He almost got away.
We need to put a tracker on him.
Jeez, it's so small.
Hey, you know what?
You wanna make the drop?
Really?
I don't wanna screw it up!
Oh, come on.
You know, just take it slow.
Don't make any sudden movements.
You got this.
[piano playing continues]
♪
♪
♪
HARLEY: Oh-ho-ho!
Oh my God, I did it!
That was awesome!
You know what?
You make a pretty
awesome partner.
HARLEY: I love PI-ing.
WOMAN: I don't
wanna die in here!
Helloooo!!
[pounding on door]
WOMAN: I don't
wanna die in here!
Chill, lady!
WOMAN: I leave everything
to Pickle, my chow chow.
I should have never sued my son.
He's just a kid.
He didn't even have
a bank account.
I'm terrified!
- [woman sobbing]
- [knock on door]
WESLEY: Security,
coming through.
WOMAN: Help! I'm trapped!
Uh, do you need assistance?
WOMAN: Yes!
I've been kidnapped
and held on the toilet!
Wesley, it's me, Vi.
- Whoa-whoa-whoa!
- What? I gotta go!
Do me a solid.
I'm starving!
Get me something to eat.
Why can't you
waddle over there yourself?
Uh, I'm on patrol, Vi.
Please
Please.
All right.
Loaded pretzel?
Yeah, yeah!
Perfect! Thank you!
Woo!
Now I just need five bucks!
WOMAN: You'll rue the day!
♪
♪
Yo, that lady had a snake!
Friggin' wrapped around
her neck and everything.
At least she paid
top dollar, though.
You're selling
sex dolls to perverts?
Fock, no.
Look, I buy a cheap doll,
and then I make 'em
look all creepy.
Sell 'em on the net
for all the freaks
to go nuts
bidding on 'em.
They're not actually possessed,
though, right?
Look, real or not,
that lady paid $150
for a haunted doll.
Haunted doll?
You better not go messin'
with the spirit world.
Don't go creeping up
on people like that, Fox man.
You go poking around
the spirit world
you never know who'll poke back.
Wise man.
I'm not. I won't.
He isn't.
All right, off to the slots.
You know, you better
not jack my doll idea!
Why'd you tell me this, then?
You know,
I seen you wrestlin'.
If you wanna call it that.
[chuckles]
But I know you can take a hit,
and, you know,
I thought I could
use some back-up.
You know, I mean,
all these weirdos from the net.
Mm-hm.
- You thought of everything.
- Mm-hm.
♪
You know, if you were really
serious about wrestling,
you could use a manager.
Someone to handle the business.
You know, like sponsorships,
cooler shoes, bigger matches
Wait!
Would you manage me?
Uh
That's not really my thing.
I'll give you 10 percent
of everything I make.
Ah, too busy, you know?
It's
20 percent.
22 percent,
and full creative control.
Deal!
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention,
the mall is nearing close.
Wrap up your shopping,
people
VIOLET: Can I get
the pretzel deal?
I got this five-dollar coupon.
I'm kinda in a hurry.
Aw, you have such a cute smile
in your status card pic.
You know,
you don't need a laminated card
to prove that you
have treaty rights.
Yeah, you know, I really
wish the people who say
we get everything for free
were actually right.
Yeah, right?
It's not about free.
We should always
assert our rights!
What rights do we get anyways?
Whatever Canada says,
that's what--
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention, shoppers.
The mall is closing
in five minutes.
Status card
Assert my treaty rights
ANNOUNCEMENT: Go home!
No tax
I can afford my jacket!
Wait, no,
it's more complicated than--
Thanks, Pretzel Lady!
65 nickels in my pocket ♪
I got 65 nickels
in my pocket ♪
Here!
- What the hell is this?
- Your lunch!
Be grateful!
Oh, come on, man!
SECURITY: [walkie-talkie]
314 in Streetwear.
314 in Streetwear.
Stat!
- MALE VOICE: Oh, baby
- [woman moaning]
I am so sorry, sir.
Can I help you?
Sorry.
ITCHY PETE: Damn pervert mall.
[kissing sounds]
MALE VOICE: Oh, baby
Listen,
you can't hook up in here.
Come on, mall's closing.
Time to go.
Yeah,
I know what you're thinkin' ♪
You know I feel the same ♪
Oh, get lost!
Mall cop.
Don't tell me
that it's over ♪
Just tell me you'll stay ♪
Okay. I'll take it.
260 on debit,
35 in cash, and no tax.
I'm asserting my treaty rights.
You can't use
Status Cards in Winnipeg.
This mall's rezzy,
but it's not the rez.
What store am I supposed
to use it in, then?
I dunno, the dentist?
Man
MICKEY: Caw-caw!
Fly that Phoenix
over here.
VIOLET: Yeah, man
I'm short.
Hold up.
- [cash register beeping]
- $300
plus a 15 percent
employee discount.
45 bucks off.
You're good, Violet.
You can't do that!
Mmm I just did!
Ooh!
Will you look at that?
We're closed!
Looks like you're gonna
have to come back tomorrow.
[gasps]
There's a sale on chaps!
[chuckles]
Jacket's fugly anyways.
Eugh.
I owe you one.
That was really cool.
Ain't no thang.
Just make sure to wear it
to our jam sesh.
You bet I will.
Just want to be
who I truly am
and seen without disguise ♪
Uh, that doesn't
look like a suitcase.
You were right.
Garbage bags are luggage.
What happened to your neck?
Shut up.
It's nothing.
Never mind that, perverts.
What do you know
about wrestling?
- What are you talking about?
- Friggin' Womankind over here!
Awas!
I can't ask you two nuthin'.
HARLEY: Somethin' shady,
or what?
VIOLET: Shotgun!
I let myself down
with every breath ♪
♪
♪
Mandatory secrets
kept my memories unfold ♪
[phone buttons beeping]
[line ringing]
- TYLER: Hello?
- WOMAN: Hello?
TYLER: Donna, I got it!
Hi, Tyler?
TYLER: Yo.
Um
It's-- it's Violet.
From work.
TYLER: Oh, sick!
Stoked you called.
You are?
TYLER: Yeah, for sure.
Yo, you into music?
For sure.
TYLER: Dope, 'cause
I just started a new band,
and we're epic.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I could show you,
if you want.
Wanna kick it after work?
Mandatory secrets kept
my memories unfold ♪
WOMAN: Hello?
My tampon?
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪