Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 s01e02 Episode Script

My name is June Colbern.
Since moving to New York, I've lost my job, my apartment, and my fiance.
Now I'm living with this girl Chloe who may or may not be a psychopath.
This morning ritual is apparently called a "hooker's toothbrush.
" Ahh.
Chloe is best friends with the actor James Van Der Beek.
There's this weird neighbor who lives down the hall Robin.
She's obsessed with Chloe.
And Eli, the pervert next door.
Mmm.
I believe there are two ways to look at any situation.
You can focus on the bad or choose to see the good.
I choose to see the good.
I'd been with my cheating fiance Steven since I was 14.
That's 11 years.
That is But I'm actually okay.
It's gonna be great to be by myself for a while.
What's the rush to date, anyway? You want me.
Oh, no.
What happened? Nothing.
This is for the girl downstairs whose brother had that weird bone thing.
I signed for it.
What's with the granny panties? These are my sexy underwear.
- They're enormous.
- But they're red.
Yes, they are.
Red and big, like an angry Montana Sky.
I need them so that I can meet a new guy and get my life plan back on track.
June, you can't plan your life.
You have to leave room for new experiences.
Have you ever eaten blowfish out of a Japanese man's mouth? Okay, here it is.
I'm gonna get married at 26, have my first baby at 28 a girl, Mary, named after my Nana and then a boy, Christopher Named after Christopher Robin from "Winnie-the-Pooh.
" No, named after Christopher Robin from "Winnie-the-Pooh.
" You know, pooh didn't wear pants either.
Eli! That's hilarious.
My plan was good.
My guy was just bad, okay? And I just read in this magazine, actually, that men who are into bicycling make excellent partners because they're very good at following paths You know, if you wanna meet a guy, I can hook you up.
I know someone who would be perfect for you.
Yeah, I-I I don't think so.
Hey, Chloe set me up with Tamika, and it turned out great.
You wanna meet her? Ahh.
Isn't she awesome? I mean, she is a republican, but as long as we don't talk politics Let me finish.
Oh, you're gonna love Scott.
I've known him forever, and he's into biking and all that nonsense, too.
He's total husband material.
Trust me.
I screwed your fiance on your birthday cake.
Yeah, I-I-I don't trust you with anything ever.
She doesn't trust me.
Can you believe that? Well, you did sleep with her fiance on her birthday cake.
What? It's Luther, my tailor and confidante, the man who weighs me in the morning.
Why do you look like Indiana Jones when he's a professor? - Aah! I did it.
- You did it.
I'm gonna teach an acting class at N.
Y.
U.
I figure if James Franco can do it, so can I.
I hate that guy ever since he beat me out for the role of Harvey Milk's lover.
I've had a lot of lovers.
Not everything has to be a competition, Luther.
Anyway, I hate Franco.
I'm gonna beat him at acting teaching.
The most frustrating thing is I know June and Scott would be perfect together.
Oh, yeah, Scott would be great.
Just don't let June know you're behind it.
Ooh.
Like a stealth setup.
I'll trick them into falling in love with each other.
Look at you, caring.
You care.
You care about everything.
Why don't you and Luther go rub bottom-beards together and see if you can start a caring fire? James and I don't have that kind of relationship.
See you tomorrow, Mark.
Oh.
Hey, sweet pumper.
It's how I'm gonna meet my future husband.
I biked to work today.
I got a few head nods.
- Checked out some guys in my - Helmet mirror, A.
K.
A.
the fiance cam.
My girlfriend Jennifer tried biking once.
Bruised her tailbone.
I don't think the seat had enough padding.
She's very thin.
Just skin stretched over bone, really.
It hurts when I hug her.
We can only make love in water.
Come on.
It's a Tuesday.
Chloe! Hi! We're having a party for no reason.
This guy is hot but boring.
It's like, dude, stop telling me about your Ebay feedback score.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
She tell you it was a biking party, too? Oh, u-um, no.
Wh-wh-what is a biking party? I don't know.
I didn't wanna seem uncool, so I didn't ask.
- Oh.
- And I still don't know what this thing's for.
I think it's some kind of cancer.
You must be June.
I'm Scott.
Chloe's been telling me all about you.
- Oh.
- I think between you and me and your bike, she's trying to set us up.
I told her I did not want Chloe! What? Wh-where did she go? Oh, did you check behind that guy? When things get awkward, she's been known to duck behind a chubbo.
I'm sorry.
I don't I just can't be set up by my roommate.
Oh.
Uh, okay.
It's probably too soon for me, too.
I just got out of a long-term relationship.
Really? Me, too.
That's weird, right? Dating again? Oh, my God.
Just so weird.
I mean, I'm actually only trying this biking thing because I read somewhere - that it was a good way to meet people, so - You read "self" magazine? - Yes! Always.
- What about that expose on citrus fruit in restaurants? Ugh! Filthy! Now I just bring my own lemons with me everywhere I go.
It's been hard, but I'm not gonna give up on my dream.
I'm gonna get another Wall Street job.
Well, you can either focus on the bad or choose to see the good.
I think there's always two ways of looking at any situation.
You know? I say that all the time.
I can listen to you talk forever.
I don't normally move this fast.
It took 18 months for my fiance to see my boobs.
I know.
Spring break in Fort Myers.
You are such a good listener.
That is so hot.
I knew you two would like each other.
You can thank me tomorrow.
Good night, June.
Good night, dad.
Good night, princess.
Now let's get you out of this bra.
Oh, my God! That was your dad?! So? I touched it through bike shorts.
I can't get clean! See, this is why I didn't tell you.
You never would have agreed to go out with Scott if you had known.
No, of course I wouldn't have! Because it's weird! And stop calling your dad "Scott"! Look, my parents had an unhappy marriage.
He and my mom separated, so I thought you guys would be great together.
I need a rougher loofah! He deserves so much better than my mom.
Growing up, she was addicted to painkillers.
She never wanted to spend any time with me.
She never took me ice-skating or horseback riding.
She's a real bitch.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'd feel bad for you if I hadn't just frenched your father! Oops.
Um, I'm sorry.
I was trying to turn it off.
You must be June's parents.
I-I see the resemblance.
I'm I'm Scott, Chloe's dad.
Oh, okay.
See, you are so handsome.
What? Is that my parents?! Mom, dad, I'll call you back.
Okay, Scott, you need to go.
June, I am so sorry.
Chloe said she told you I was her dad.
I mean, I admit at first, the age difference was a bit strange, but she said we were really gonna get along, and we did.
Yeah, 'cause, June, internally, you're, like, 50.
This one is such a little rascal.
One time she had me do her whole science fair project.
Daddy! I have to take another shower.
Okay, Scott, you're a great guy with amazing legs, but I'm sorry.
I'm not dating my roommate's dad, so scooch, okay? Here's the door.
You're the dad.
Half of Chloe came from you.
My compliments to the chef.
Compliment the chef outside.
Thank you.
So when I begin to inhabit a character, I ask myself, "who is he? What does he want? And what is he gonna do if he doesn't get it?" Now let's talk about how this would impact our approach to the role of Hamlet.
Was it fun kissing Katie Holmes? Let's try and stay focused on the task at hand here - Did anyone have an eating disorder? - Okay, we're not here to talk about "Dawson's Creek.
" We're here to explore the craft of acting Do the monologue from the episode where you realize you love Joey! Do it! Do it! All right.
In "Hamlet," what do we have? We have a prince with a prob Seriously?! - Do it, do it, do it! - You guys don't wanna learn about acting? All you wanna hear is, "Joey, God, I-I mean, this is all new.
"We should talk about this.
But no matter what happens, "we can't go back to the way things were.
Joey, don't walk away from this.
" Ohh.
What? The creek! Have my baby, Dawson! I don't normally move that fast, but I really felt a connection with Scott, and he fit perfectly into my life plan, and I touched it through bike shorts, and I think that Yikes.
I have nothing to say to you.
June, God, I mean, this is all new.
We should talk about it.
No matter what happens, we can't go back to the way things were.
June, don't walk away That's the speech from season 1, episode 12 of "Dawson's Creek," I've seen them all.
Damn it! Small town girl.
- What do you want? - Look, if you don't wanna date my dad because he's my dad, fine.
It's your loss.
But he's really upset.
So can you at least talk to him? Dad? Stop ducking behind a chubbo.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Runs in the family.
Hey.
Hey.
Seems like a real messed up situation.
Yeah, no one's to blame, though, so that's good.
So what's your story? Who are you? Well, I'm Mark.
I work here with June? We've met several times before.
I don't Stupid N.
Y.
U.
kids.
I'm more than just one role.
I was the original Gavroche in "Les Mis.
" I was in Ke$ha's "Blow" video.
I was in an all-white production of "Raisin in The Sun.
" That was a long night.
I'm tired of people trying to pigeonhole me.
You know, they wanna put me in a box.
I know what you mean, man.
I got an MBA from Stanford and two years at a top mortgage firm, but people just see me as a dude who makes coffee.
Do I get discouraged? Yeah, sometimes.
But you guys know me.
Never gonna give up.
- Who is this guy? What's his story? - No idea.
Uh all right.
Chloe said you weren't interested in pursuing this, and I respect that, but getting to know you was Amazing.
I know.
It's just so Complicated.
I get it.
I-I just I wanted you to have this.
Is that McGruff the Crime Dog? I remember you said how much you loved him.
Your parents were arguing a lot that fall, and he made you feel safe.
Oh, hey, a stuffed animal from a much older man.
Nothing weird about that.
Took me all day to find one.
Wasn't easy, but once I set my mind on something I don't give up.
I'm in a Scott-McGruff sandwich, and I've never felt safer.
In 11 years, Steven never got me a present like this.
He was always too busy focusing on his work or his cheating.
But maybe that relationship wasn't meant to be.
Maybe I was supposed to go through all of that with Steven just so that I could meet you.
This might sound cheesy, but I think you might be my soul mate.
I like cheesy.
I like cheesy, too! That's a very good McGruff impersonation.
Chloe.
Oh, you were so right.
It doesn't matter the age difference or how we met.
All that matters is that he's a great guy, and we have a really nice connection.
I'm so sorry that I didn't trust you.
Thank you.
Apology accepted.
June, this is my mom.
She's really upset.
She thinks my dad is cheating on her.
It's so good to meet you, honey.
Now bend down and give me a hug.
I thought you told me that your parents were separated.
That's a loose term.
Five days ago, we agreed to take some space.
I went to visit grandma in Scottsdale And he started porking some whore.
Well, I don't know that we need to call her names.
Mom, you and dad fought all the time.
You're the one who wanted to separate in the first place.
Yes, but a few days apart made me realize I wanted to be with your father and apparently made him realize he wanted to be wilt Chamberlain.
Mom, you know what? He's moved on.
Get over it.
Chloe, can I speak with you? What the hell?! Don't fall for it.
It's an act.
She's a total drama queen.
I think I've ruined everything! See? She wants us to say "no.
" She's such a piece of work.
She seems pretty sincere, and by the way, she's in a wheelchair, which is why she was addicted to painkillers and couldn't take you ice-skating or horseback riding.
Look, I don't know if she could or she couldn't.
All I know is that she didn't.
Isn't it obvious what's happening here? What are you talking about? You're using June to work out your resentment towards your mother and your obsession with your father.
You perceived your mother as neglectful when you were a child? Yeah.
So when she and your father fought, you would always side with him.
I guess so.
Well, now you're subconsciously using June as a pawn to get back at your mother and to align yourself more closely with your dad.
Wow, I never thought of it like that.
You never think things through, Chloe.
Like, do you really want June to be your new mom? You've gotta break up with my dad.
Ya think? Eli, thank you so much.
I guess I got a lot going on underneath the surface.
I'm like a river in winter.
- You have to come with me to break up with your dad.
- Why? Because you are the one that orchestrated this entire thing.
Hey, I didn't take your panty-hamster and put it on my father.
That's another thing my mother never got me a hamster.
Fine.
Let's go.
Dude, I had an insight.
James, not now.
I'm slammed.
We just got a huge wave of customers.
Yeah, I know.
They came to see me.
I tweeted I was gonna perform here.
If people only see me one way, it's up to me to show them I have other swords in my belt.
No, we're not zoned for this.
People are sitting on the sweetener bar.
Pop-up theater.
You can't be zoned for art.
Here.
Hold those.
And get me a water A percentage of which went to feed hungry children.
Oh, there he is! Let's do some Shakespeare.
"Doubt thou the stars are fire; "doubt that the sun doth move; "doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.
" Did you and Pacey ever do a scene drunk? - Yeah.
- I love you, Dawson! Forget it.
You're everywhere and nowhere, Dawson! - What is wrong with people? - Someone stole the half and half.
Why won't they see me as something else? So let me get this straight.
All these people dropped everything to come see you.
All these girls and that dude in the Mesh Tank top would clearly have sex with you.
You're rich, famous, and adored, but you're upset that you're adored for the wrong reasons? Exactly.
I walk a lonely road.
I made $4 today.
Nah, you're right.
I'll figure it out.
Take me with you, Dawson! Hey, my two girls.
You know what? That is weird.
I'm starting to hear it.
Scott, I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
I-I thought I could overlook the fact that you're Chloe's dad.
It's quirky.
That's New York-y.
But I can't do it.
Okay? Your wife is in my apartment right now crying in a wheelchair.
Look, I'm sorry Karen's upset, but that doesn't change the way I feel about you.
I meant what I said about us being soulmates.
Soulmates? You barely know each other.
She doesn't even know that your favorite movie is "Bowfinger.
" What is "Bowfinger"? What are you talking about? It's a movie that came out, and I don't know.
Clearly I have issues.
June, listen.
Karen's a great woman, but we just don't have anything in common.
I mean, she doesn't like biking She is in a wheelchair! What is wrong with you people?! Okay, sorry.
This is this is just too much.
I'm sorry.
Scott, it was never in my life plan to be a homewrecker.
Okay.
Okay.
I have had just about enough of you young ladies.
I am in mid-life panic here.
Look at me.
I'm in biking shorts, for God sakes.
Now I like June, and I know I'll never get another chance at someone as awesome and smart who will keep me young forever, so the both of you will do as I say, because I am the father and the lover, and this is not a democracy! Aah! Okay, bye.
He's fine.
He just dislocated his shoulder.
He's in the hospital with my mom.
You pushed your dad into the street.
It was the bike lane, and he was talking crazy.
I did the same thing on our family trip to hoover dam.
He would not shut up about that place.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
This whole thing is my fault.
I shouldn't have dragged you into it.
Oh, it's okay.
You were just trying High five.
No.
No high fives.
Sorry.
You were saying? You were just trying to help in your own really messed up way.
I mean, I don't know why I was just so obsessed with this whole life plan thing, and where has it gotten me? I mean, I broke up with Steven, and my career is virtually nonexistent.
Okay.
Steven was a loser, - and you'll get another job on Broadway.
- Wall Street.
Okay, interrupt-y, I was talking.
Just because this isn't in your life plan doesn't mean this isn't exactly where you're supposed to be here in New York with me.
Think about how much fun we could have.
I guess it's time to throw out the playbook and see what happens.
Crazy.
But, hey, at least you got back in the saddle and slept with someone new.
Oh, no, your dad and I did not have sex.
We just dry-rubbed for hours.
I wouldn't sleep with someone so quickly.
I mean, you know, Steven is the only guy that I've been with.
You mean not counting one night stands? N-no.
- Blackout sex? - What? - Redheads? Girls? - No! Look, I'm not a fan of the lady cave either, but in a pinch It'd have to be a really big pinch.
So how did your mom end up in a wheelchair? I don't know.
I felt like she always wanted me to ask, so I never did.
You guys, this is Svetlana.
I met her coming out of a drugstore.
I buying vitamins! So here I am, seriously bummed that my life isn't working out the way I planned, and Svetlana comes up to me, all excited, and I realize "Dawson's Creek" just started airing in Russia, except there it's called "Diaghilev's sad show.
" Diaghilev cry and film the video.
That's right, baby, I do.
The thing is, I'm worldwide.
I'm reaching people in countries with no food or running water.
I'm their only sustenance.
I need to embrace that responsibility for all the svetlanas who perished on the boat ride over.
So from now on, I'm gonna just stop complaining and focus on making the world a better place, one Russian at a time.
Diaghilev.
Ohh.
So you went to the hoover dam? Don't talk during the movie, June.
Mm, oh, Diaghilev.