Doug (1991) s01e02 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, IT'S ME, DOUG.
LAST WEEK MY LIFE WAS
JUST ABOUT PERFEC
WHEN SUDDENLY MY DAD SAID
THE TWO MOST FEARED WORDS
IN THE WORLD-- WE'RE MOVING.
DAD, CAN YOU DODGE THE BUMPS
I'M GETTING INK BLOBS
ON MY JOURNAL.
THAT'S A
BIG 10-4.
LOOK OUT BLUFFINGTON,
THE FUNNIE FAMILY'S ARRIVED.
Doug:
"POPULATION 20,001."
I GUESS THE ONE IS ME.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ playing piano]
HERE WE ARE,
HOME SWEET HOME.
[ barks]
I CLAIM THIS PLACE
IN THE NAME OF THE FUNNIES.
TA-DA.
NEW TOWN, NEW SCHOOL,
NEW FRIENDS.
WHAT IF I DON'T FIT IN?
MY SISTER JUDY DOESN'T SEEM
TOO WORRIED.
TO HER, LIFE IS A MOVIE
AND SHE PLAYS ALL
THE GOOD PARTS.
AH, THE AIR IS ELECTRIC WITH THE
FRAGRANCE OF THIS NEW VENTURE.
[ inhales]
[ gagging and coughing]
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
[ moos]
OH GIVE ME STRENGTH.
AS USUAL, MOM WAS TRYING
TO TURN LEMONS INTO LEMONADE.
EXCUSE ME
BUT SHOULDN'T OUR FURNITURE
BE INSIDE THE HOUSE?
[ both muttering]
PORKCHOP HAD
HIS OWN MOVING TO DO.
PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE HOW MUCH
STUFF A DOG CAN ACCUMULATE.
[ gasps]
[ barks frantically]
DAD WAS DOING WHAT HE DOES
BEST, TAKING PICTURES.
THAT'S WHY WE MOVED HERE.
HE'S THE NEW PHOTOGRAPHER AT THE
BUSY BEAVER DEPARTMENT STORE.
IT'S ALL PRETTY EXCITING
EVEN IF MY WHOLE LIFE'S JUST
BEEN THROWN UP IN THE AIR.
WHOA!
THAT'S PERFECT.
PUT IT DOWN RIGHT OVER THERE.
OKAY, LET'S GET THE ENTIRE
FAMILY UNIT ON THE COUCH
FOR A SHOT.
COME ON, PORKCHOP.
OKAY, FUNNIES, SAY, "CHEESE."
All:
CHEESE.
SPEAKING OF CHEESE, I BE
WE'RE ONE HUNGRY FUNNIE FAMILY.
YOU READ MY MIND,
I'M STARVING.
SON.
YEAH, DAD?
WHY DON'T YOU HOP
ON YOUR BIKE
AND GO FIND US
SOME BURGERS.
MAYBE THAT COW CAN SHOW YOU
TO THE NEAREST BALE OF HAY.
BONJOUR,WELCOME, NEWCOMER.
WELCOME TO
JUMBO STREET.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
I'M DOUG.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
THAT'S PORKCHOP, THE DOG.
[ barks]
WHATEVER, I'M
DINK, BUD DINK.
YOU CAN CALL ME MR. DINK.
AND THIS IS TIPPY.
PEOPLE CALL
HER MRS. DINK.
I CALL HER
BY TELEPHONE.
[ laughs]
TELEPHONE, GET IT?
WHO WRITES YOUR MATERIAL, DEAR?
MOST OF I
I DO MYSELF.
I'M A WRITER, YOU KNOW.
THE MISSES AND
I LIVE NEXT DOOR.
DON'T BE AFRAID
TO LET A QUESTION
BE YOUR UMBRELLA.
HUH?
CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I CAN
GET SOME FAST BURGERS?
MY FAMILY'S STARVING.
WHY SURE-- THERE ARE
SEVERAL SUPERB CHOICES.
DO YOU HAVE TIME
TO WATCH THE OFFICIAL
"WELCOME TO BLUFFINGTON" VIDEO?
IT'S SHORT AND INFORMATIVE.
MY FAMILY'S STARVING
AND I REALLY
WELL, OF COURSE
YOU DO.
IT'S A LITTLE FILM
WE SHOW ALL OUR
NEW RESIDENTS
CALLED "BLUFFINGTON PROUD"
STARRING MAYOR
ROBERT "BOB" WHITE.
BUT MR. DINK,
I HAVE TO GE
SOME BURGERS FAS
AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO.
THIS TAPE WILL SHOW YOU.
I'LL JUST FAST FORWARD
TO THE GOOD PARTS.
[ chuckles]
ISN'T THIS A SNAPPY
LITTLE DEVICE?
VERY EXPENSIVE.
CAREFUL, DEAR,
YOU MIGHT IMPRESS SOMEBODY.
SHH, IT'S COMING ON.
HELLO, I'M ROBERT "BOB" WHITE,
MAYOR OF BLUFFINGTON.
I WANT TO GIVE
A HEARTY WELCOME TO YOU.
IT'S NOT EASY BEING NEW
TO A CITY LIKE BLUFFINGTON.
SO TO HELP, LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A VIDEO ADVENTURE.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
HERE'S BLUFFCO INDUSTRIES,
FOUNDED BY THE BLUFF FAMILY
WHO MADE THIS CITY
WHAT IT IS TODAY.
PROUD? YOU BET WE ARE.
Dink:
LET ME JUST FAST FORWARD HERE.
DID YOU SEE THAT NEEMATOAD?
I DIDN'T EITHER,
BUT IF YOU ENJOY FOLKLORE
OUR FAIR TOWN IS FULL OF IT.
STUPID? YOU BET IT IS.
Dink:
VERY SCARY--
THIS IS THE GOOD PART.
White:
WE'RE STOPPING
AT THE HONKER BURGER.
BEING THIS PROUD CAN
WORK UP AN APPETITE.
HUNGRY?
YOU BET I AM.
[ honking]
THERE IT IS,
THE HONKER BURGER.
GO THAT WAY ON VINE AND TURN
RIGHT ON LUCKY DUCK LANE.
YOU CAN'T MISS IT.
[ chortles]
THANKS A LOT, MR. DINK.
SOUNDS LIKE
THE PERFECT PLACE.
SO LONG, DOUGLAS.
THERE NOW, THAT DIDN'
TAKE SO LONG, DID IT?
NO, DEAR, IT ONLY
FELT LIKE A LIFETIME.
ALL THE KIDS GO THERE.
GREAT, THINK OF ALL THE NEW
FRIENDS I'M ABOUT TO MEET.
BUT WHAT IF THEY
DON'T LIKE ME?
WHAT IF I DON'T FIT IN?
[ bell clangs]
WHAT IF THEY THINK I'M A DUFUS?
THIS IS DOUG FUNNIE.
HE COULD HAVE BEEN
A FINE CITIZEN
BUT NO, HE CHOSE
THE PATH
OF THE LOSER.
LET'S HONK THIS LOSER
OUT OF TOWN.
[ jeering, honking]
[ derisive laughter]
HELP!
[ car horns honking
impatiently]
[ barks, whimpers]
[ siren approaching]
[ brake squeals]
COME ON, PORKCHOP,
LET'S GO FOR IT.
[ yips]
[ everyone gasps]
HI, I'D LIKE THREE DOUBLE
CHEESEBURGERS, ONE ALL THE WAY
ONE, NO PICKLES;
ONE, NO ONIONS
FOUR LARGE FRIES
AND FOUR GRAPE SODAS.
WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I CAN'
UNDERSTAND YOU.
MY FAMILY IS STARVING AND I
YO, MAN, LET ME
TAKE CARE OF THIS.
THE NEW KID WANTS
THREE MOO-COWS
ONE NO CUKES,
ONE NO SNEAKERS
FOUR TUBERS AND
FOUR FOR THE VINE.
ANYTHING ELSE?
WELL, HOW DO YOU ORDER A SALAD?
ONE SALAD FROM
THE SALAD BAR!
[ whimpers]
YOU'RE NEW AROUND
HERE, AREN'T YOU?
MM-HMM.
I'M SKEETER.
IT'S SHORT FOR "MOSQUITO."
IT'S A
FAMILY NAME.
WELL, I'M FUNNIE.
UH, I MEAN DOUG FUNNIE
AND THIS
IS PORKCHOP.
WOW, I'VE
NEVER SEEN
A VEGETARIAN
DOG BEFORE.
WELL, IT'S
JUST A PHASE.
LET ME INTRODUCE
YOU AROUND.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
THIS IS DOUG,
THE NEW KID.
HI.
Boy:
HOW ARE
YOU DOING?
[ kids greeting Doug]
[ humming]
WE NEVER HAVE
BEETS AT HOME.
[ all gasp]
BEETS? WHY, THEY'RE
NATURE'S CANDY
DON'T YOU KNOW?
Waitress:
HEY, NEW KID
YOUR ORDER'S READY.
I'LL GET IT.
NO, I'LL GET IT.
NO, ALLOW ME.
[ panting]
WOW.
SHE'S WONDER
[ screaming]
[ splat]
WELL, WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
YOU MUST BE THE NEW KID.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
[ hissing]
WELL, I'M DOUG, FUNNIE.
I GUESS I DIDN'
CATCH YOURS.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T THROW IT.
SO, FUNNIE, THERE
SEEMS TO BE KETCHUP
ON MY NEW SUEDE SHOES.
WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO ABOUT THAT?
PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED?
WHY DON'T WE
GO OUT BACK
AND HAVE A LITTLE CHAT?
UH, SURE,
OKAY, WHY NOT?
HE'S GOT FOOD TO TAKE HOME.
THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN A
COLD MOO-COW OR A SOGGY STINKER.
DON'T WORRY, THIS
WON'T TAKE LONG.
[ boys laughing]
GEE, ROGER,
NICE DUMPSTERS.
SO THIS IS WHERE
THEY PUT THE TRASH?
FUNNIE, I LIKE YOU
AND I'M GOING TO DO YOU A FAVOR.
YOU WILL?
YEAH
I'LL LET YOU DO SOMETHING
THAT WILL MAKE YOU A HERO.
YOU ARE?
YEAH, YOU'RE GOING
TO BE THE FIRST GUY EVER
TO ACTUALLY BAG A NEEMATOAD.
I AM?
YEAH.
A NEEMATOAD?
YEAH.
THOSE SLIMY, UGLY THINGS
THAT LIVE IN STINSON'S POND.
I SAW THE MOVIE
AT MR. DINK'S HOUSE
BUT THEY DON'T EXIST,
DO THEY?
YOU'VE NEVER LIVED
IN BLUFFINGTON
HAVE YOU, PAL?
WELL, NO.
WE'VE ALL SEEN THEM.
TELL HIM ABOUT THE
NEEMATOAD, GUYS.
A NEEMATOAD?
THERE'S NO
SUCH THING
GUYS, TELL THE NEW KID
ABOUT THE NEEMATOADS.
OH, NEEMATOADS.
NEEMATOADS.
NEEMATOADS.
OH, RIGHT.
LIKE, THEY LOOK
TOTALLY SLIMY AND UGLY.
YEAH, REALLY
UGLY AND SLIMY.
SLIMY.
WOW.
I SAW ONE THAT WAS
THE UGLIEST AND THE SLIMIEST
[ sighs]
ALL RIGHT, HE GETS THE POINT.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS,
IT SOUNDS SLIMY AND UGLY.
LOOK, FUNNIE--
I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR.
YOU DON'T WAN
PEOPLE TO THINK
YOU'RE A LOSER WIMP.
NO, I'LL DO IT.
IS THIS GOING
TO BE DANGEROUS?
WHAT DO YOU CARE?
THINK ABOUT IT, TARZAN,
IF YOU BAG A BIG ONE
YOU'LL BE THE
MOST POPULAR KID
IN BLUFFINGTON.
THINK ABOUT IT.
WOW.
[ cheering, parade music]
HERE COMES BLUFFINGTON'S
FINEST, DOUG FUNNIE.
[ crowd cheering]
[ crowd chanting "Dougie!"]
PROUD?
YOU BET WE ARE.
Crowd:
DOUGIE! DOUGIE!
Roger:
CALM DOWN, FUNNIE.
MEET US
AT STINSON'S POND
TOMORROW MORNING
AT 7:00.
All:
7:00?
YEAH, 7:00 A.M. SHARP.
DON'T CHICKEN OUT.
I DON'T LIKE TO
GET UP EARLY
FOR NOTHING.
GET IT?
GOT IT.
[ yawning]
YOU'RE UP EARLY, SON.
I'M OFF TO BAG A NEEMATOAD.
THERE YOU GO.
IT'S GOOD TO
HAVE AMBITION.
ROGER SAID IF I CATCH A BIG ONE,
I'LL BE A HERO.
KIDS TODAY HAVE
SO MANY MORE ADVANTAGES
THAN WE EVER HAD.
IT'S WONDERFUL YOU'RE
MAKING FRIENDS ALREADY.
I'M PROUD OF
YOU, MISTER.
Mrs. Funnie:
BE HAPPY.
GOOD MORNING.
DID YOU FIND
THE HONKER BURGER
OR DID YOU STARVE TO DEATH?
OH, I FOUND IT FINE.
YOU SEE, THE VIDEOTAPE
WAS HELPFUL.
I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
YOU CAN BORROW
THAT TAPE
ANYTIME YOU FORGE
THE HONKER BURGER.
WELL, I I
THERE, HE'S
SPEECHLESS, DEAR.
LET'S GO BEFORE
HE RECOVERS.
BEFORE YOU GO,
WHERE IS STINSON'S POND?
I'LL JUST GO FIRE UP THAT TAPE
AND SHOW YOU
I'LL HANDLE
THIS, DEAR.
TAKE VINE STREE
TO THE WOODS.
YOU'LL SEE A SIGN,
YOU CAN'T MISS IT.
GOOD-BYE,
MR. AND MRS. DINK.
[ all laughing]
WHAT A DUMB KID--
FALLING FOR THE OLD
NEEMATOAD STORY.
WHO'S DUMB, ROGER?
WE'RE THE ONES
HERE SINCE SUNRISE.
HE'LL BE HERE IF HE KNOWS
WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM.
Doug:
IT'S HER AGAIN.
SHE'S SO BEAUTI
[ screaming]
YOU'RE FORMING SOME
BAD HABITS, FUNNIE.
SORRY.
I GUESS I GOT CARRIED AWAY.
SHH, ARE YOU TRYING
TO SCARE ALL THE
NEEMATOADS AWAY?
SORRY.
NOW, LISTEN UP.
HERE'S HOW IT'S DONE.
YOU CROUCH
DOWN LIKE THIS.
THEN YOU MAKE
THE MATING CALL
WHICH GOES LIKE THIS.
KULOOKAKOO!
NOW YOU TRY IT.
KULOOKOOKOO!
HOW'S THAT?
A LITTLE MORE FEELING.
THIS IS A MATING CALL.
YOU SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE DYING.
OH, I GET IT.
KULOOKAKOO!
THAT'S IT, FUNNIE,
YOU'RE A NATURAL.
THEN WHEN A LOVESICK
NEEMATOAD RUNS UP
BAG IT BEFORE
IT KNOWS WHAT HIT HIM.
GET IT?
GOT IT.
GOOD LUCK, FUNNIE,
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
BUT WHEN I CATCH ONE,
WHERE WILL I FIND YOU?
DON'T WORRY,
WE'LL FIND YOU.
[ chortles]
Doug:
KULOOKAKOO!
KULOOKAKOO!
KULOOKAKOO!
[ Kulookakoo echoing]
KULOOKAKOO!
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
WHERE IS
THAT THING?
SOOEY! SOOEY!
MAN, THE THINGS
A GUY HAS TO GO THROUGH
TO KEEP FROM BEING A LOSER.
WHERE ARE THOSE
NEEMATOADS ANYWAY?
NEEMATOADS, WAKE UP.
COME ON,
NEEMATOADS, WAKE UP.
[ all chuckling]
[ stuttering:]
KULOOKAKOO.
WHAT WAS THAT?
[ whimpers]
IT'S A SETUP.
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT ME.
THIS WHOLE THING'S A JOKE.
I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY
FACE AT THE HONKER BURGER AGAIN.
[ kids laughing]
YOO-HOO!
OH, CUTE GIRL.
HEY, EXCUSE ME.
IT'S ME, DOUG.
[ splash]
WELL, I GUESS
IT'S TIME TO FACE ROGER.
OKAY, GUYS,
I GET THE PICTURE.
OH, BROTHER,
WHAT A DUFUS.
YOU ACTUALLY FELL FOR
THE OLD NEEMATOAD GAG.
[ laughing]
VERY FUNNY, ROGER.
[ gasping]
Roger:
WHAT THE?
IT'S A
NEEMATOAD.
WOW, I THOUGH
THEY WERE FAKE.
GET THAT THING
AWAY FROM ME.
YOU MEAN
THEY'RE REAL?
PORKCHOP.
THAT'S NOT A NEEMATOAD,
THAT'S MY
I DON'T KNOW
A NEEMATOAD
WHEN I SEE ONE?
WHO'S THE
NEW GUY HERE?
OKAY, WHATEVER YOU SAY,
IT'S A NEEMATOAD.
BOY, HE SURE IS
UGLY AND SLIMY.
[ yelping]
YAH! HELP!
GET IT AWAY FROM ME.
YOU SAID THERE WAS
NO NEEMATOADS.
DID YOU
SAY THA
BECAUSE
YOU NEVER
CAUGHT ONE.
WHO CARES?
FUNNIE, BAG
THIS THING.
OKAY.
[ whistles]
HERE, BOY.
WAIT TILL I TELL
MY DAD ABOUT THIS.
YOU'RE NO
LETTING THE NEW
KID SHOW US UP.
HEY, WAIT FOR US.
YEAH, WE SAW HIM, TOO.
WHO NEEDS YOU LOSERS ANYWAY?
I'LL CATCH ONE MYSELF
THAT'LL MAKE THAT TOAD
LOOK LIKE A NEEMATADPOLE.
WAIT TO GO, PORKCHOP.
YOU'RE A LIFESAVER.
[ mocks the
kulookakoo call]
SO THEN PORKCHOP DID
HIS NEEMATOAD DANCE
AROUND ROGER.
OH, I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS
CLOSE TO A NEEMATOAD.
[ yelps]
GREAT DANCERS.
SKEETER, THAT'S
NOT A NEEMATOAD.
THAT'S PORKCHOP.
A NEEMATOAD NAMED
PORKCHOP-- COOL!
SKEETER, READ MY LIPS.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING
AS A NEEMATOAD.
HEY, MAN, YOU CAN'
KID A KIDDER.
I'LL PROVE TO YOU THA
HE'S ONLY A DOG-- SPEAK!
[ barks]
THAT NEEMATOAD DOES
A GREAT DOG IMPRESSION.
[ sighs]
[ gasps]
WHAT, DID YOU
SWALLOW YOUR GUM?
IT'S HER.
HER, WHO?
OH, YOU MEAN PATTI.
PATTI.
WHAT A WONDERFUL NAME.
WHAT'S HER
LAST NAME?
MAYONNAISE.
PATTI MAYONNAISE.
MMM.
IT'S LIKE MUSIC.
AHH.
COME ON, I'LL
INTRODUCE YOU.
NO, I'M TOO NERVOUS.
WHAT'LL I SAY?
COME ON AND BRING
YOUR NEEMATOAD.
NO.
[ screaming]
[ crash]
ARE YOU OKAY?
WHO ME?
HEY, RAD, CAN YOU
TEACH ME TO DO THAT?
I SQUIRTED KETCHUP
ON A GIRL.
IS THIS
A PRIVATE PARTY?
OH, NO, THE KETCHUP.
I MUST HAVE SQUIRTED YOU.
IT'S OKAY, REALLY.
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
NO, REALLY,
IT'S OKAY, SEE?
YOU HAVE WONDERFUL AIM.
REALLY?
WELL, I SEE YOU TWO HAVE MET.
PATTI MAYONNAISE, THIS
IS MY BUDDY DOUG FUNNIE.
HELLO, HOPE YOU
LIKE BLUFFINGTON.
I LOVE BLUFFINGTON.
HOME SWEET HOME.
YOU KNOW, I'M STARTING
TO FEEL LIKE I BELONG ALREADY.
AH-HA.
OH, IT'S JUS
YOU, DOUGLAS.
FOR A MINUTE THERE,
I THOUGHT I SAW A NEEMATOAD.
NOPE, IT'S JUS
ME AND PORKCHOP.
WHATEVER.
SEE YOU LATER, DOUGLAS.
IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO DAYS
SINCE WE MOVED HERE
BUT IT'S ALREADY BEGINNING
TO FEEL LIKE HOME.
I'VE MADE SOME
REALLY GOOD FRIENDS.
LIKE SKEETER.
I HOPE SKEETER AND ME
BECOME BEST FRIENDS.
[ whimpers]
BEST HUMAN FRIENDS.
MR. DINK IS NICE, BUT
I THINK HE'S A LITTLE CRAZY.
I MAY BE RUSHING THIS A BI
BUT I THINK I'M SECRETLY
IN LOVE WITH PATTI MAYONNAISE.
[ sighs]
HEY.
I WONDER WHATEVER
HAPPENED TO ROGER.
KULOOKAKOO! KULOOKAKOO!
COME ON, NEEMATOADS.
KULOOKAKOO.
IT'S YOUR PAL, ROGER.
KULOOKAKOO! KULOOKAKOO!
KULOOKAKOO! KULOOKAKOO!
KULOOKAKOO!