Douglas Is Cancelled (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

Such a success Live At 6 has been.
You must be thrilled.
- We're absolutely over the moon.
- Absolutely, yeah.
- It's been fantastic.
- Incredible.
- There's, er, been a tweet.
- What tweet?
- What's he done now?
- Told a joke.
A sexist joke.
It's all over Twitter.
Douglas. Seriously.
What was the joke?
It was a wedding three days ago.
I was drinking.
Why would I remember?
It was probably
just one of usual ones, yeah.
My usual ones?
Your usual misogynist ones?
- It's got worse, though.
- How?
Madeline.
She retweeted the tweet
to two million people,
some of whom are press.
Why would she do that?
I mean, why?
"Don't believe this.
Not my co-presenter."
Technically, she was defending you.
Or she's saying she no longer
wants you as her co-presenter.
Madeline's not like that.
Is she?
Is she like that?
Babes, nice one today.
We live in a world
where a newsreader's arse
can push a war off the front page
Oh, Christ.
and you, my dear, are in
possession of a newsreader's arse.
You could get cancelled.
I don't want that to happen, Dad.
- It would destroy me.
- And me.
I'm gonna tell Madeline
to take down the tweet.
- Oh! Douglas!
- Sorry, I need to speak to Madeline!
How does Madeline always
get you back on side?
Is she magic?
- Just a moment.
- Madeline.
She's not getting me
back on side this time.
I need to talk to you.
- No. No!
- Why not?
Because I'm on
sodding holiday, that's why.
- Are you still in Dubai?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's lovely.
Well, I think it's lovely.
Can't see three feet out the window.
They said we had an ocean view.
I think it was from underneath.
Hmm.-
So either you're telling him
or Martin is
because I'm on holiday.
Because I'm on holiday and
we're about to ruin a man's life,
and I don't want to have to tell him
because it'll spoil my day-
and it's already
bloody raining.
Of course, we have to tell him
it's a bloody headline.
He needs to talk to his wife.
Think of his poor wife, for God's sake.
Oh, there wasn't a way to soften it.
He went out and banged another woman.
His choice, his life.
I mean, if it had been another man,
we could have done something moving
about him finding his true self.
A whole page of rainbows
and photos of his wife looking
brave and supportive.
We could have been progressive.
Stonewall would have been
off our backs for a whole week.
Then six months later
you'd have run a story
about all his gay affairs
and destroyed him anyway.
He'd have had six more months
and we'd have had two stories,
everyone's a winner.
Shut up, Douglas.
No, no, no, no, it's okay.
I'm just shutting up. Douglas.
So, either you or Martin
phone our premier religious broadcaster
and say that God sees all-
and he sent us
the photos, okay?
Oh, come on, do it for me.
Jesus, it's a friend of mine
we're destroying.
How do you think it would feel, personally
destroying a friend while I'm on holiday?
I've got a conscience!
Oh!
What does Madeline want?
How did you know it was Madeline?
This sucks.
What are you gonna do about it?
Well, it's not exactly
our fault it's raining.
But it's Dubai.
Yep, it's still not our fault.
I mean, Dubai.
We have not been lucky, yes.
What are we doing here?
I mean, why here?
They execute gay people
and it won't stop raining.
Might as well be in Scotland.
They don't execute
gay people in Scotland.
They don't execute gay people in Dubai.
- Gay people are executed everywhere, Dad.
- No, they aren't.
Would you like a list of
countries where they're executed?
There's a chance I might know,
seeing as I'm a journalist.
Stop it, Dad, not this again.
No, seriously, would
you like a list of countries
where homosexuality
is punishable by death?
- No.
- Why not?
Because it's racist.
I think that went well.
Because you turned your phone over.
Sorry, what?
I knew it was Madeline because
you turned your phone over.
You always turn your phone
screen away when Madeline texts.
- I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- I don't mean to.
- Well, you do, every time.
Do you really not know that?
Look, there's nothing
- Er, I mean, they're just texts.
- Okay.
- I mean, you can read them if you want.
- Okay.
Seriously?
Fine. Help yourself.
Read the lot.
- There's nothing there.
- I'm not reading them, darling,
I'm counting them.
No, actually, I'm giving up
counting them, there's too many.
We've been here three days.
How many times has Madeline
texted you in three days,
- while you've been on holiday?
- She's my friend.
- She just texts me.
- Mmm-hmm.
How's Bill?
- Bill?
- Yeah, Bill.
Your best friend, Bill.
He must have texted you recently.
Hmm. Not for
three weeks, actually.
Ah, funny that.
Madeline likes texting.
I don't know why.
What does she say?
Well, it's all there, you can read it.
Thanks, but we've only got the
room for another week and a half.
Jokes, usually.
Bitching about people.
Mmm-hmm. What does
she say about me?
Nothing.
She doesn't even mention you.
No, I'll bet she doesn't.
Oh, for God's sake, Sheila,
there's nothing going on.
Nothing, as in what?
I mean, you don't think
I'm almost twice her age.
- Oh, and that's always stopped a man, yeah.
- Well, it's always stopped me.
- I don't think you're having an affair with Madeline.
- Oh, good. Thanks for that.
But I do think she's
texting you a hell of a lot.
- We work together.
- You're on holiday.
So are you. How long
were you just on the phone?
Okay. Yeah. Okay.
She texts a lot. That's it.
That's all. That's really all.
Go and talk to Claudia.
About what?
Just go and talk to her.
- What do I say?
- I don't know.
Tell her it rains sometimes.
- When?
- Now.
Well, we're just about
to have our first pre-show.
He left half an hour ago.
He'll be arriving now.
He's going straight to see Madeline.
Well, you could have
given me more warning.
I've been trying,
you've been busy all morning.
Yeah, guess what I've been doing.
Why did she have to retweet it?
What was she thinking?
It's everywhere.
It's multiplying.
Jesus. I know.
I was up all night tracking it.
So is Douglas, he didn't sleep a wink.
Yeah, well how do you sleep
through existential terror?
It's like having Greta Thunberg
standing at the end of your bed.
- No.
- Sorry?
Not Greta Thunberg.
Okay. Is there pressure to pull
Douglas from this evening's show?
- That's would be seen as a reaction.
- It is a reaction.
Yeah, of course it's a reaction,
but it has to be the kind of
reaction that makes it clear
we don't think
there's anything to react to
and we are not, in fact,
reacting to it. It's a thin line.
- Is he interviewing anyone?
- Yeah, of course he is.
- Live ones?
- Er, yeah.
Two warm bodies and Michael Gove.
Anyone likely to bring up the tweet?
- It could happen.
- Then what?
- We'll handle it.
- How?
- With wit and charm.
- How?
Spontaneously.
He's got an earpiece.
We're briefing one of our
comedy guys to help him out on air.
- Which one?
- I don't know, one of them.
Look, it's just a safeguard.
He might need a few zingers.
I've seen him do zingers
from his earpiece.
You might as well lip sync a corpse.
- Yeah, well, this time he'll have good jokes.
- There's a bigger problem.
If you mean Madeline,
I'll speak to her, too.
Hay. The Hay Festival.
Oh, shit, I forgot about Hay.
- We've got one week.
- Fucking Hay!
You're gonna talk to him now.
Yeah, I'll see
if he's with Madeline yet.
He was furious when he left.
Absolutely raging.
What level furious?
Jesus, Toby,
I don't have a ranking system.
Yeah, but out of 10.
Emily Maitlis with an opinion.
Oh, dear God,
I'll see if I can head him off.
I'm getting in the lift now.
- Get Douglas to call me when he's out.
- Yeah.
- Darth Vader.
- What?
Not Greta Thunberg,
at the end of the bed,
Darth Vader, funnier.
- Trust me.
-I wasn't making a joke. I was talking.
- Or Jeremy Clarkson.
- Jeremy Clarkson?
Clarkson. Clarkson
at the end of the bed, classic.
How is Jeremy Clarkson
a portent of doom?
Oh, angry people love him, post Meghan.
No, they love him because
he's not a portent of doom.
Okay, Jeremy Clarkson and Darth Vader.
Comedy doom combo.
Plus Vader takes the edge
off Clarkson's darkness.
Now, listen, it doesn't matter.
Hey, Greta Thunberg isn't funny.
We focus-grouped her.
Sorry, did you actually do research
to check if Greta Thunberg was funny?
Yeah. That was literally
the question.
Were you surprised by the answer, "no"?
Well, in comedy,
we never know what's funny.
- Is Douglas in yet?
- Just pulled into the car park.
- Madeline?
- In her office.
Thanks.
Let me give you a, for instance.
- You see, "melanoma" might sound like
- Do you have a name?
Well, not so much a name,
just a growing profile,
just sort of getting traction
in the comedy arena
- No, a Christian name.
- I'm not Christian.
- No, er, more humanist
- What do I call you?
- Oh, Morgan.
- Morgan, I need you to concentrate
- on jokes about Twitter for Douglas, okay?
- All over that.
He needs to sound relaxed,
witty, good sport.
Yeah, it's all in there,
don't sweat it, baby.
Give me an example.
Oh, no, I prefer to feed my
material directly to Douglas.
No, okay, let me clarify my request.
Give me an example or I'll kill you.
Okay. Er
- Okay. Look at me.
- Sorry. What?
- I need eye contact.
- Give me an example.
No, I need to look into your eyes
when I say the joke
so I can see the kick moment.
- The what?
- It's the moment when the joke kicks in
and it all comes together in your head.
It's a bit like an orgasm.
When a woman laughs at
you in bed, that's not an orgasm.
- Sometimes it is.
- No.
Trust me.-
Give me an example.
Now! Do it!
Okay, eye contact established.
Yeah, he's cooking now.
Is he ready for comedy?
Yes, he is.
Okay. Yeah. Right.
Listen to this.
"No wonder they called it Twitter.
"It's full of twits."
Is that it?
Has the joke happened?
Because I don't think I laughed.
It's not your fault, comedy's hard.
- Douglas.
- Sorry, I need to speak to Madeline.
- Yeah. Douglas
- I mean, "embolism".
- Why isn't "embolism" funny? It's got "ball" in it.
-Madeline.
You see, comedy
has its own special music.
My jokes gonna can be like a secret code
no one understands, except me.
Twitter jokes, now.
- Yeah, I just told you a Twitter joke.
- I didn't orgasm.
Well, sometimes you have to tell people
- they've orgasmed.
- You really don't.
Is it because it's called X now? Because X is
actually a really difficult letter for comedy.
So You okay?
- No.
- Don't blame you.
I wouldn't be.
Grab a chair.
I don't need a chair.
I can't have you looming over me.
I don't like it
when you're looming. Sit.
I'm fine.
Are you standing
because you're cross with me?
- No.
- Oh, good.
I hate it when you're cross.
Come on, sit down. Park it.
Park it.
Madeline, I need to say
something to you.
Good. First, tell me
how you're feeling.
I'm fine.
No, no, don't just say that.
I want to know how you feel.
And don't you try
to hide anything, okay,
because this is just you and me talking.
Madeline, this is not
about my feelings
Don't be brave. Of course it is.
It's about the bloody tweet!
You are cross with me.
- No.
- Yes, you are.
No, it's not that I'm cross,
that's not the point
- You sound cross.
- I'm not cross!
Then let's start again then.
Co Could I just?
What?
- My hand.
- Your hand?
Oh, Jesus. You really
are angry, aren't you?
No, I'm not angry. Listen.
Then let's talk properly.
- It's just
- What?
- You always do this.
- Do what?
- With the hands?
- Yeah, I'm tactile.
- I'm always tactile.
- Well, not with everyone.
Lucky you then.-
- It just looks
- What?
- Odd.
- Odd?
Yeah, odd.
Oh, oh, you mean, suspicious?
- Well, yeah, kind of. Yeah.
- Jesus, really?
You mean people might think
we're, what, having an affair?
Well
What people? Blind people?
You and me
An affair? I'm sor
You're actually older than my dad.
Yeah, I'm aware of that, Madeline,
but sometimes people, you know
Douglas, one of us is hot,
and one of us is clever,
and unfortunately for you,
both of those are me.
So
Stay in your lane, Romeo.
I know. I
I know, it It just
It just looks
I'll tell you what then,
if anyone walks in,
I'll take my hands away, okay?
There you go, all safe now.
- Oh, I'm so sorry
- No, no, come in.
- No, I can come back in a moment.
- No, it's not
- I mean, there's nothing
- What's up, Toby?
Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Well, when I say nothing,
I mean basically nothing,
but, you know, the tweet.
- Ah!
- Yeah, I needed to talk really quite urgently
in the strongest
possible terms about this
tweeting situation.
Oh, you're both looking so cross.
Why do men always attack in pairs?
No, I'm not gonna attack you.
If anything, I'm gonna defend you.
Oh, I need a man to defend me, do I?
Well, no, no, no,
not defend you or attack you.
In fact, I'm remaining neutral
in this conversation.
I'm trying to have literally no impact
on anything that is being said
in this room.
To be clear, you're here, so you can
"really quite urgently"
have no impact on anything?
- Yes.
- In the strongest possible terms?
Thanks, Toby,
I think we can handle this.
Twitter? More like Twatter.
- Sheila?
- Is he with Madeline?
Yes.
Did you get him out?
Well, no, they're talking.
It all seems fine.
Either you go in there with him
or you get him out!
Oh, shit.
Seriously, just get him out.
Yeah, just a minute.
Bently, what can I do for you?
Are you wearing ear pods?
Pardon?
Are you wearing ear pods?
It's soothing music!
Why?
Because of all the shouting!
Do you understand
why people are shouting?
Pardon?
Do you understand
why people are shouting?
Erm
social media is a hazard.
We all know that.
One wrong word at the wrong
moment, you have no idea
I don't need the lecture, Douglas.
I'm not lecturing you,
and I'm not finished.
Tell me how you're feeling?
This is not about how I feel.
Toby tells me you can't even
remember the joke.
You and your wine.
I'm talking about your tweet.
- I'm talking about you retweeting.
- Yeah.
Had to be done.
Listen, I realise, on a surface
level you were defending me,
but the way this works
- Did you actually read what I wrote?
- Yes.
- And?
- It was
Yes?
- potentially
- Yes?
I'm sure
entirely unintentionally,
well, damaging.
No, it wasn't.
It was definitely damaging.
Definitely and deliberately.
Look, it was a challenge.
I expressed my confidence
you would never say anything sexist
because otherwise I could never
tolerate you as my co-presenter.
Right
So what happens now is anyone who heard
you say anything sexist at that wedding
will now, you know, throw it in my face.
I challenged everyone on Twitter
to prove me wrong.
And I'm a famous woman,
half the world gets a
hard-on telling me I'm wrong.
And between you and me,
so does the other half.
I mean, Jesus, your own wife.
My wife?
So, if somebody heard your dodgy joke,
I'm gonna be the first person
they tell about it,
and we need to be first,
because apparently
you can't remember your joke
and everyone, everyone Douglas
is going to be looking for it.
We need a head start
so we can defend you. Okay?
So I can defend you.
What you mean, "my wife"?
Have you read that newspaper
thing she supposedly edits?
She actually edits.
If you get a minute, could you ask her
why me in a bikini is a news story?
Ask her from me, woman to woman.
Okay, look, the point here is,
the relevant point,
is nobody's gonna be out there
looking for my joke.
Ho, ho, ho, trust me, there
will be plenty of people looking.
I don't have that many enemies.
Oh, Douglas. Sweet Douglas.
Do you know what the rich and
the famous have instead of enemies?
Friends.
Come in!
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
No, no, it's fine. Come in.
I mean, if you're having
a private moment
We're not having
any kind of private moment.
- Well, if you're sure
- Of course we're bloody sure.
Good, good. Sorry about that.
Always have to be careful
with, er, this sort of thing.
What sort of thing?
Now, I don't want you to worry.
I'm all over this.
We need to control the spread,
get on top of the fallout,
mitigate the impact.
Does any of that actually mean anything?
And I'm not forgetting the human element
because that's what agenting is about,
the human element.
Show me human suffering
and I'll show you an agent.
Mind if I get a moment alone
with my favourite presenter?
- Fine.
- Okay, Douglas?
- My office?
- Wherever you like.
Now talk me through how you're feeling
because I would like to clarify
that my agency has no time
for any sort of sexist humour,
and I personally have always
struggled heroically
against the insidious cancer of men
What are you doing?
Leave this with me.
I'm taking care of it.
You do understand you're
my agent, not Madeline's?
Who even suggested
I should be Madeline's agent?
Where did that idea come from?
When her own agent is probably
in the building right now.
Hang on, where is Alex?
Surely he's here helping you
at this difficult time?
Tell me he's here, Madeline.
Would you like me to phone him
Bently, out.
Some agents forget the
importance of their own clients,
but I always remember the little people.
Go back to your office
or I'll fire you again,
and this time I won't change my mind
because you're crying in my garden.
Look, I'm helping you.
Do you know how difficult
this is gonna get?
I was up all night
tracking it on Twitter.
Oh, you're telling me.
It's like having
Darth Vader in your bed.
I'm sorry?
And Jeremy Clarkson.
Like having both of them.
Not in your bed, at the end
of the bed. Just standing there.
Who are you?
And Greta Thunberg if you like.
The three of them.
She's just not funny, Greta Thunberg.
- Er, Douglas, your Your wife wants a word.
-I'll phone her back.
- No, but now.
- I'll phone her.
- He'll call you back.
- I want him out of there.
They were fine.
They were completely calm.
He should be angry with her.
- He's entitled to be angry with her
- That's not
but every time he's angry
with her, she just turns him off.
It's always the same.
He goes storming into work,
ready to lay down the law
and comes home explaining
that Madeline was right all along.
How does she do that?
I can't do that.
Sheila, please, you don't
want them fighting, do you?
What I don't want, Toby,
is my husband wrapped around
anyone else's little finger!
That woman controls him.
I don't know how but she does
So that's why you did it,
that's why you tweeted.
You're saying you were
trying to help me?
Of course I was trying to help you.
- What else would I be doing?
- Okay.
Actually, I was trying
to help a whole TV show
you decided to put in jeopardy
because you got pissed at a wedding,
but, yeah, I'm helping you, too.
Jesus, come on, it's me.
It's me.
What? Did you think
I was just trying to
Trying to fuck you over?
Er
Oh, my God, you did.
You thought I was fucking you over.
- Look, Madeline
- Get off me!
Look, if there's a problem here,
you created it.
You're drawing attention to something
that could've been,
would've been ignored.
- The Hay Festival.
- The what?
- The Hay Festival. Ninety-minute interview.
-Yeah.
They've been researching you
for over a month now.
Do you think they haven't been searching
your name on Twitter every day?
You think there's the slightest chance
they didn't find that wedding
story before I even saw it?
The guy who heard your joke
he's gone silent, yeah?
- Yeah.
- No.
He's just talking to somebody else.
Your interviewer.
- You don't know that.
- Of course I don't know it.
It's just an incredibly good guess.
It's not that kind of interview.
It's just a chat about my career.
It's an interview with an industry
colleague who is less well-paid than you.
So you're not chatting
about your career anymore,
you're trying to save it.
So what we need to do now is prep you
for hostile questioning
about an offensive joke
you can't even remember telling
but which has endangered the
credibility of everyone you work with
and all this because basically
Wine!
I wasn't that drunk.
What was the joke then?
I don't remember.
Too drunk to remember, is that drunk.
So what we need to do
right now as a priority
is to find out what bloody
stupid thing you've said.
I'm so sorry, I'm not just
clucking around you like Toby,
or being clinically useless
like your agent.
So, so sorry
I'm actually trying to help.
Fuck you!
Seriously, fuck,
fuck you.
Say something nice.
I just got accused of stabbing
my best friend in the back
because I was trying to help him.
Say something nice.
You're my friend, too.
Your friend?
My best friend.
You and me,
best friends against the world.
That's what you said when I started.
Yeah, I know.
You've always had my back,
and now I've got yours.
You understand I'm helping you, yeah?
- Yes.
- You get that it's a smart move, yeah?
Well Yeah.
Because I'm going to need
your support with Toby.
Oh, Toby's terrified of you.
Yeah, and men are always so nice
to the women who terrify them.
That always works out well for us.
Look, if people here think
my tweet was an attack on you,
if Toby thinks that then
In this office
- I'm toast.
- You're not toast.
- I need you to support me.
- I do support you.
- But openly.
- I will openly support you.
I mean, specifically,
support what I tweeted.
I will. I'll I'll tell
everyone I'm fine with it.
- You don't have to do that.
- No, I do. I genuinely want to.
Just retweet me.
Just retweet my tweet.
We could do
with the signal boost anyway.
How many followers do you have?
Same as me, couple of million?
Yeah, thereabouts. I mean
I mean, I can
I can see the logic in that.
- Great.
- Hmm.
Thanks.
Do you have your phone?
- My phone?
- Yeah, your phone.
Go on, then.
Retweet me.
Get my back.
Support me.
Erm
- Is it slowing?
- A bit.
Anyone picking up on it?
Any press?
Someone's bound to.
- The Hay Festival, Douglas's interview
- What about it?
I heard a rumour.
I cannot divulge the source.
- Is it Peter?
- Yes.
- What's the rumour?
- They've switched Douglas's interviewer.
- They promised us Gavin.
- It's not gonna be Gavin.
- It's gonna be a woman.
- Which one?
I don't know.
Okay, well, then, we're not any clearer.
But it's a Newsnight one.
Oh, dear Christ.
Sorry. Sorry.
I should have knocked.
Er, Douglas, there's been a development.
- The Hay people
- Have they cancelled?
Er, no, they are changing
the interviewer.
- It's gonna be a woman.
- Which one?
- A Newsnight one.
- Oh, fuck!
Which does rather suggest
they might be going a bit,
you know, feminist.
- No offence.
- Offence?
So, God forbid, they might
wanna talk about the joke.
Toby, sorry, there's
There's been a retweet.
Madeline's been retweeted.
Okay.
But it's a big one.
Who?
- Yeah. I retweeted. I retweeted Madeline.
-It was my idea.
But we are trying to close this
down. We're trying to end this!
- Don't shout at me.
- I'm not shouting!
I was defending him.
Why wouldn't he retweet me?
- Because we want this to be over!
- Stop shouting!
- I'm not shouting!
- Oh, it's my wife.
- I'll step out.
- No, you don't have to.
- I'm sure it's just
- Madeline, a word.
- I know what you're gonna say.
- What the fuck?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Yeah, I retweeted Madeline.
- Fuck, fuck
- I thought it would look odd if I didn't.
She was defending me.
Fuck!
Look, never mind that now.
You were going to get her to delete it.
Well, you said yourself
that wasn't useful.
How is retweeting her useful?
Never mind Madeline. They've
switched the interviewer for Hay.
It's a woman.
- A Newsnight one.
- Fuck!
Toby thinks they know about the
joke, and they're gonna bring it up.
What do you think?
I should cancel, shouldn't I?
You're being accused of sexism,
and now you're going
to cancel an interview
because they're switching
the interviewer to a woman.
Yeah, that could be misinterpreted.
That's not misinterpreted.
That's just interpreted.
Now you tell me why in the
name of God, did you retweet her?
Because it would look odd if I didn't.
- No, it wouldn't.
- Yes, I think it would.
- I really do.
- Who told you that?
We discussed it.
Madeline told you that?
Look, forget the bloody tweet.
What about the bloody interview?
- You need to prep.
- I know.
No, I mean actually rehearsal.
- You need an interview rehearsal.
- A what?
An interview rehearsal.
We'll find someone really good.
Someone we can trust,
who'll give you
the hardest time possible,
who'll come at you from every angle,
but you need practise.
- Agreed.
- Bill could do it, or Francis.
Cass, is a bit vegan,
but a woman would be good.
- Yeah.
- But listen, Douglas.
Not Madeline.
- Okay.
- You keep Madeline out of this.
Anyone but Madeline.
- Okay.
- Because I swear on my life,
- you cannot trust that woman.
- I know.
- No, no, no, you really can't.
- I know.
Yeah, you say that,
but actually, do you?
I do. I really do.
She plays you.
- She what?
- Madeline, she plays you.
- Oh, no, she doesn't.
- You went in today to read her the riot act.
How long did it take her to get
you doing exactly what she wanted?
How many minutes before you were doing
the exact opposite
of what you went in there to do?
You were going to get her
to delete her Twitter account.
Instead, you retweeted her.
She played you.
Do you get that?
Well, you know I do.
I mean, I do. I get it.
Hang on.
I'll call you back in five.
You got a moment?
- We've had an idea.
- A rehearsal.
An interview rehearsal.
Okay, so we'll put you in the
spotlight and throw everything at you
until you can answer
every question in your sleep.
Yeah, we get someone who can really
needle you. You know, really go for it.
Punch you till you learn
how to smile and knock it away.
Douglas, take that look off your face.
- What look?
- The answer is no.
- I'm sorry?
-No, I won't do it. It can't be me.
I can't do the prep interview.
Obviously not.
Okay, well, fair enough, yeah.
It has to be someone else.
Someone good, but someone else.
Well, fine, yeah Yeah,
for the obvious reasons.
- Yeah.
- Okay. Okay, good.
What reasons?
- Well, the obvious ones?
- What obvious ones?
You know, you two.
Just that, really. You two.
- What does that even mean?
- There is
- How does one put it?
- I don't know. How does one?
You two have a certain chemistry,
a warmth, a mutual, you know, thing.
I think you both find it very
hard to be sufficiently, erm,
well, let's say, dispassionate
about each other.
- What are you implying?
- I'm not implying anything.
We're co-presenters.
We present together, that's all.
- We're professional.
- Of course you're professionals.
- No one's saying you aren't.
- There's nothing for us to be dispassionate about.
- All I'm trying to suggest, very gently
- Shut up, Toby. He's right.
I should do it.
I will. I'll do it.
- I'll do the prep interview.
- No.
- Can I just, I don't think
- Honestly, it's fine.
You win, I'll do it.
- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
I can give this guy
a hard time, right, Douglas?
Erm-
Oh, can I just
It's Sheila.
You know what we should do?
We can use Studio B.
Make it proper. Let's go talk to
Jenn. We'll schedule something.
- I'm going to see her right now.
- I'll come with you.
Don't worry.
I'm all over this.
- Hey.
- Crazy idea. Me.
- Sorry. What?
- I'll do the prep interview.
What do you think?
Mmm.
Erm, you're my wife.
We've been married for 20 years.
It's not the first date anymore,
and I'm an awesome interviewer.
How many careers
have I personally destroyed?
And not just the proper villains,
really good people, too.
Why aren't you saying anything?
I'm just absorbing.
Come on, this would work.
I can be tough on you.
Who can be tougher on you
than your wife?
If there's anyone in this world
who can get under your skin
better than me,
I'd like to know who it is.
We can get Studio B tomorrow morning.
We can even record it.
I'm sorry. You're on the phone.
It's Sheila.
Is that Toby?
It's Madeline.
She says hi.
Hi back.
Get me Toby. Is he there?
Let me talk to him.
Er, yeah, well, Toby isn't
Or Or I'll phone him.
I'll just phone him.
We can use one of the studios.
Do it properly.
Toby thinks Madeline should do it.
Toby suggested Madeline.
And what did you say?
Well, we're only just, er,
starting to talk about it.
Douglas, what did you say?
Er, we We're literally
discussing right now.
Me or Madeline.
What did you say?
Oh, this is good.
This is This is brand new.
This is This is uncharted.
Basically, you're getting competitive
over who can tear me apart best.
Who's winning?
Douglas?
Who is winning?
Mmm.
- Hello? Yes.
- Ah, Douglas.
It's me, Bently.
Don't phone back. I just wanted
to leave a message of support.
No, no, this is me, Bently.
This isn't voicemail.
It's always darkest before the dawn.
No, I'm here, Bently.
Is it though? Is that true?
It's more of a sort of
light grey, isn't it?
This isn't
I'm here. Bently
Never mind. At some point,
at some point prior to dawn,
it's very, very dark.
But But Douglas,
however dark it gets,
you must always remember
that the dawn will come,
that the light will return.
Unless you die in the night.
But that's never gonna happen.
Well, it is someday but let's
not get bogged down with that.
Who says you're gonna die at night,
you could die at any time at your age.
On a sunny day on a beach,
just when you're feeling happy and safe.
That's how I'd like to go
or in a helicopter.
Never been in a helicopter.
It'd be good to get that in
before the end.
Anyway, listen,
I know what you're thinking.
All those other scandals,
all those lives crushed beyond repair
by the cruel media jaws
of inexorable tragedy.
You're thinking of, erm
Oh, God, what's-his-name,
er, and that other one,
but But listen
Listen, you're not
in their level of trouble.
You don't have their profile.
Well, you may do after this,
but, anyway, the point is that for every
life utterly destroyed by this sort of thing,
there's always someone
who gets through it perfectly well.
I can't think of any at the
moment, but Oh, Bob Geldof!
He's never been in any trouble.
He did Live Aid.
Met him once
in a Harvester in Wandsworth.
Lovely man despite the brogue.
Angela Rippon,
met her too in a KFC.
Beautiful woman.
Tremendous grip strength.
In fairness, I'd made her angry
because I jumped the queue
Ironic.
- Excuse me?
- I was just thinking. Ironic.
What is?
Well, you mistaking
a driver for a writer?
Oh, you heard about that.
Well, yeah, it was me.
Yes. Yes, I know.
Yeah, that's what I meant.
Oh, okay.
I was just saying, ironic.
You know why?
No.
Because I think I might be a writer.
Okay.
- Having lots of concepts.
- Oh, good.
I'm having a concept
for a sitcom at the moment.
Sitcom's dead.
Is it?
Yep. Dead.
Well, that's disappointing.
Just had a concept.
Sorry.
What's not dead?
Er, movies, big movies.
Okay, so I should have a
concept for a movie then.
Yeah.
You involved in movies?-
No.
Douglas, have you chosen?
You have to choose.
They are both prepping to interview you.
- Yes, I chose.
- Oh.
Oh, okay. Did you tell her?
Yeah.
Right.
Good. How did it go down?
Yeah, I bet.
Okay, no worries.
See you tomorrow.
I've got a concept for a movie now.
Oh, Christ.
Er, sorry. I just
No, it's no problem.
Just, er, early stages.
Yeah, of course. Obviously.
So how's the wife?
Erm
So, we will treat this
like a real interview.
Okay. No pit stops
this time around.
We'll just keep pressing on, okay?
We'll have the recording,
we'll review afterwards.
Yeah.
- You're really sure about this?
- Of course.
I mean, her.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Your choice, obviously.
Sheila! I I didn't know
you were coming in today.
Hi. Hi, everyone.
Hi, Madeline.
Or should I call you Emily?
No, Kirsty. She's Scottish.
Yeah. Kirsty.
Hello, Sheila. Come to watch?
This is gonna be fun, yeah?
Sheila, shall we go
into the viewing room?
We can watch from there.
Sure.
Hey.
Hey.
God. This is
ridiculous, isn't it?
I mean, you interviewing me.
I mean, rehearsing me.
Helping me. Obviously.
But it's also ridiculous, isn't it?
I mean how can there be all
this fuss about a stupid joke?
It wasn't a joke, though, was it?
It was a story and they all laughed.
All those men laughed.
And the story you told them
was about me.
Okay, studio, here we go.
Stop!
Simon. Plotline
for a action comedy movie
with a sequel potential.
Simon is a man.
No. Martin.