Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible (2001) s01e02 Episode Script
Frenzy of Tongs
Good evening.
I'm Dr Terrible.
Welcome to my House of Horrible.
I once met a man in Beijing who could crush a small dog in the palm of his hand.
When I asked him why he did it, he replied, "Because I can.
"And I don't like small dogs.
" Such a well-reasoned argument has no place in tonight's tale.
(DR TERRIBLE) Meet Nathan Blaze, inventor and gentleman adventurer.
To pretty Elizabeth, daughter of my oldest and truest friend, Sir Donald.
Happy birthday, darling.
(ELIZABETH) Ooh, crabs! Ah, Mr Sin.
(HE SPEAKS IN A CHINESE DIALECT) It doesn't really translate.
Ooh, what an odd contraption! - Another of his own inventions, I'll be bound.
- Indeed.
Simply insert twist, and withdraw.
Fresh crab meat.
Delicious! - Thank you for a wonderful birthday.
- Ah, Elizabeth.
I always look upon you as the niece I never had.
Good Lord! The Manchurian Fat Choi.
I haven't seen one since that business of the hollow nun.
Venomous lobster jism.
It can paralyse a man in seconds.
Aghh! Don't just stand there! Do something! Right! Left side of my body seizing up! Come on, I'm not afraid of you! Must aerate my blood.
My cane If I can just reach the trigger Tyburn! Sir Donald! True friend What? What? Oh, my leg! Don't worry.
This is where my mastery of shiatsu could prove useful.
(CRACK!) - Better? - Lots.
- What of my darling daughter, Elizabeth? - Bad news, I'm afraid.
She was led away by the tong.
No, no, no.
Her name is Elizabeth Tyburn, daughter of Sir Donald Tyburn, director of the British Library, who was senselessly beaten insensible.
She may be the victim of a white slavery tong.
With you in a mo, sir.
Now, sir, whereabouts-wise was this? I've told you - Limehouse, Talon Street.
Talon Street Oh! Look see that now, sir.
Leave it with me, sir.
I've all the particulars stored up here.
Sergeant I pray your daughter is never kidnapped by members of a demonic organisation.
That's most decent of you, sir.
Hello? Operator, get me Limehouse 6-6-6, Red Crab Exotic Imports and Exports.
Tyburn, you're the first to try my revolutionary adjustable neck brace.
- Let's give you another inch.
- That's different.
Try some of this, extract of the coca plant.
I use it instead of smelling salts.
It's most uplifting.
How am I to rest with my darling daughter in yellow peril? And the break-in at the British Library last night.
Blueprints of London's water system stolen! Two devious criminal acts in one night.
Coincidence, or merely chance? Evening to you, Mr Chang.
Lovely little lair you've got here.
Yeah, beautiful.
What's he doing with these water system plans, then sir? - Goodbye, Sergeant Rohmer.
Uh! What was that? An extract of the venomous jism of the blue lobster.
The paralysis is almost instantaneous.
Now, wait a mo Greetings, my spawn.
Greetings, my father.
The final opium delivery has arrived.
Everything is ready in readiness.
Ah, most good.
My plan falls into place like a well-oiled jigsaw.
I believe it is feeding time.
- You promised I could torture the fat man.
- Do not worry, my daughter.
You shall have your sport with Nathan Blaze.
Blaze worries me.
He has been known to thwart.
Then perhaps it is time for the thwarter to become the thwartee! Ah, Talon Street.
Quarmby, drop me here, then take Sir Donald home.
I say, Blaze, what the juice are you up to? A criminal makes the mistake of returning to the crime scene.
But I intend to make that mistake first.
Know this, Sergeant Rohmer - all who stick their nose into my tong shall perish.
Witness your own death.
(ROHMER'S STIFLED GROANS) (PARALYSED SCREAMING) (STIFLED SCREAMS PERSIST) Hmm An irregular movement in the sewer.
You look for something? Just taking in the air.
I got pretty lily-white lady for you Elizabeth.
Elizabeth? Hold hard! Don't disappear into the mist.
Thank God.
I'm afraid I'm in heavy bondage.
This is much more than I'd hoped for to find you alive.
Don't be alarmed, but the end of my rod is about to glow red.
Ga! Ba! Really, gentlemen, this hardly seems fair.
What if I put one arm behind my back? Annette, I mean Elizabeth, stay calm Damn you and your inscrutability! Take her to my father's underground lair.
I need to be alone with Mr Blaze.
What? Where? Ah I knew it was a trap.
You don't think I'd trip a trap without knowing it, do you? Traps keep me alert.
Nothing surprises me.
What's that? Opium?! Keep that malignant resin away from me.
Relax, Mr Blaze, I bring answer to all your worries.
You are hungry for sweet dreams, Mr Blaze.
It has absolutely no effect on me.
I just, er, like the taste.
(MALEVOLENT LAUGHTER) Suck, Mr Blaze, suck! (TYBURN) Blaze, are you in there? (MAN) I'll get the girl.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet Good Lord It's almost as if he's outside of his own head.
Curds and whey Curds and whey Curds and whey.
Curds and whey.
Ooh, ah! Thank you, Tyburn.
Ah, Inspector Fong.
Nice to see you.
Seconded to Scotland Yard, you know.
I've had my eye on our Oriental cousins for some time.
- Those yellow fiends! - What news of my darling daughter, Elizabeth? Gone, I'm afraid.
But she's alive for now.
So Have either of you seen a pipe, about so big? I must say this is a most impressive lash-up.
It's a re-fusion device of my own invention.
By its application, a man may overcome addiction to any drug.
This tube extracts my blood, transporting it to that chamber, where lemon juice cleanses it of all opium.
Jolly ingenious, old top.
This tube then pumps the lemon-fresh blood back into my veins leaving me purged and zesty.
Mmm Ah Oh, yes! Gentlemen the man behind the tong is none other than Hang Man Chang, known throughout China as the sinister bony-fingered menace from the East.
But surely Hang Man Chang is dead! Why, you despatched that high-shouldered abomination yourself! - You, Blaze? - So I thought.
Three years ago in Wang Fat, we were grappling on a cliff top.
He fell 5,000 feet onto a craggy coral reef.
I felt sure he was dead.
- But now you've disabused yourself.
- Never underestimate Hang Man Chang.
His tong is very large and his tentacles stretch a long way.
He may have his Ying, but we hold his Yang - in the shape of Woo Woo.
- Woo Who? - His daughter.
- Ah.
Meanwhile, Chang still has my darling daughter Elizabeth in his bony grasp.
There's a waiter at the House of Sin restaurant who works in the employ of Chang.
We must contact him and tell him we're willing to do swapsies.
Look, Blaze, you've received a map.
Ah, it's the London sewers.
But how the deuce? Limehouse region.
(GASPS) - Who are you? - I am Hang Man Chang.
No doubt you have heard of me.
The sinister bony-fingered menace from the East.
The would-be emperor of the free world.
- Woo Woo's dad? - What do you want from me? You are merely the bait in my trap.
Now the time has come for me to shut my trap.
Nathan Blaze believes my map will lead him to you.
But its true purpose is to guide my minions to him.
I can't make head nor tail of this.
It seems to be an ancient, obscure Chinese dialect.
The trick with Chinese, Tyburn, is to read it the wrong way round.
Right, left, left again, right, down the north sewer and then follow your nose.
Please unleash me! Let me loose! Certainly.
Hold on, that's the oldest trick in the book! They've come for you! For YOU! I say, Miss Chang, is it the vapours? Aghh! Don't drown! Concentrate on keeping the water outside your body.
Give me your hand.
- Saints preserve us! - Eugh! Those crabs were meant for me.
Something has happended to my Woo Woo.
She has expired.
I'm I'm sorry.
Yes, she was looking forward to meeting you again and torturing you.
Nathan Blaze, three years ago you killed me.
Now you kill my daughter.
Perhaps it is time I kill you twice! Maybe three times.
Ah, the little hand's come off.
- It would appear so.
- You're the most able-brained chap I know, but I'll wager even you can't explain how crabs become savage flesh-eaters who hone in on a single victim.
Simple.
The map was written not in ink, but black bean sauce.
- I don't have to explain - Excrement! - I beg your pardon? - Excrement processing.
There's a door.
Lead on, Sir Donald.
Is that what I think it is? No, it's opium.
Wicked, wicked opium.
This is the dopest room I've ever been in.
Ah, yes, that's better! - Oh, my neck feels 30 years younger! - I'm certain it's for personal use.
Chang has some deviant plan, I'll be bound.
I wonder if he'll need it all? I mean, use it all? B-b-b-better check it actually is opium.
Yes, that's opium, all right! Blaze, look! (SHOUTS IN CHINESE) By using the art of t'ai chi, I will turn your own energy against you.
Blaze! Help! Googly! Look, old boy, don't worry.
You go on without me.
But it's imperative you find Elizabeth.
- Ahh! - Dislocation of the third vertabra.
- If I just - I'm fine, really No, wait.
That's the ticket.
- You're mad! - On the contrary, I am calm and relaxed.
- I can't swim.
- That, Miss Tyburn, is the least of your problems.
I shall leave you now, my dear, as I fear the atmosphere is about to turn nippy.
Hello? Who's that? Why are you moving sideways? Ah! Hang Man Chang.
The sinister, bony-fingered menace from the East.
Ah, Nathan Blaze.
Twat.
You've no idea what you've stepped into down here.
Oh, I know your business, and it stinks.
You're about to flood London's water supply with pure opium.
By tomorrow, every Londoner will have a monkey on their back.
A lucky guess.
Once you've conquered the capital of England, you're just one short step away from taking over the entire world.
A world which you will never see, because for you, Mr Blaze, the end is already over.
You have superior body mass and a lethal weapon.
I, however, am an adept in the ancient art of pokineye.
The last time I saw you, Chang, you were dead.
It takes more than death to kill me.
When you forced me onto the jagged coral reef, my servants, the crabs, nursed my broken body back to health.
Crabs cannot be nurses.
It's a scientific fact.
Then how do you explain this? I can't.
It's a surprise.
But so's this.
Classic pincer movement, Mr Blaze.
There, that stumped you.
(WOMAN SCREAMS) Elizabeth! Mr Blaze! I'm afraid you find me bound and hysterical.
Don't worry.
You forget I'm a fully qualified mental doctor.
That's better.
Something's stirring down there.
I know.
Are you wet? - Oh, my God! The size of it! - Hmm.
Great Scot! Crustacealis Giganticus.
You, sir, are a big crab! - Er, I CAN run.
- There isn't time.
Elizabeth, my cane! My cane! - Give it some stick, clever bean! - Thank you, old bloke! Simply insert twist and withdraw! Fresh crab meat.
Mmm, delicious! You see, Mr Blaze, I am not as easy to kill as a giant crab.
Listen to me, you armadine monster! A platoon of peelers has surrounded this sewer.
Insect! I do not believe you, and even if I did, I still wouldn't believe you.
My single regret, Mr Blaze, is that your death will not be a slow, tortuous one with lots of spikes.
See you in hell, Chang.
But of course, you'll need a map.
Map? Black bean sauce! (CHANG SCREAMS) What the blazes? Blaze! The world has not seen my end! That's the problem with these Chinese.
You kill them once, and 20 minutes later you have to kill them again.
That was truly diabolical.
Imagine a world with no torture.
No pain, no misery.
Not very interesting, is it? Goodnight.
(CRASH OF THUNDER) February 2017
I'm Dr Terrible.
Welcome to my House of Horrible.
I once met a man in Beijing who could crush a small dog in the palm of his hand.
When I asked him why he did it, he replied, "Because I can.
"And I don't like small dogs.
" Such a well-reasoned argument has no place in tonight's tale.
(DR TERRIBLE) Meet Nathan Blaze, inventor and gentleman adventurer.
To pretty Elizabeth, daughter of my oldest and truest friend, Sir Donald.
Happy birthday, darling.
(ELIZABETH) Ooh, crabs! Ah, Mr Sin.
(HE SPEAKS IN A CHINESE DIALECT) It doesn't really translate.
Ooh, what an odd contraption! - Another of his own inventions, I'll be bound.
- Indeed.
Simply insert twist, and withdraw.
Fresh crab meat.
Delicious! - Thank you for a wonderful birthday.
- Ah, Elizabeth.
I always look upon you as the niece I never had.
Good Lord! The Manchurian Fat Choi.
I haven't seen one since that business of the hollow nun.
Venomous lobster jism.
It can paralyse a man in seconds.
Aghh! Don't just stand there! Do something! Right! Left side of my body seizing up! Come on, I'm not afraid of you! Must aerate my blood.
My cane If I can just reach the trigger Tyburn! Sir Donald! True friend What? What? Oh, my leg! Don't worry.
This is where my mastery of shiatsu could prove useful.
(CRACK!) - Better? - Lots.
- What of my darling daughter, Elizabeth? - Bad news, I'm afraid.
She was led away by the tong.
No, no, no.
Her name is Elizabeth Tyburn, daughter of Sir Donald Tyburn, director of the British Library, who was senselessly beaten insensible.
She may be the victim of a white slavery tong.
With you in a mo, sir.
Now, sir, whereabouts-wise was this? I've told you - Limehouse, Talon Street.
Talon Street Oh! Look see that now, sir.
Leave it with me, sir.
I've all the particulars stored up here.
Sergeant I pray your daughter is never kidnapped by members of a demonic organisation.
That's most decent of you, sir.
Hello? Operator, get me Limehouse 6-6-6, Red Crab Exotic Imports and Exports.
Tyburn, you're the first to try my revolutionary adjustable neck brace.
- Let's give you another inch.
- That's different.
Try some of this, extract of the coca plant.
I use it instead of smelling salts.
It's most uplifting.
How am I to rest with my darling daughter in yellow peril? And the break-in at the British Library last night.
Blueprints of London's water system stolen! Two devious criminal acts in one night.
Coincidence, or merely chance? Evening to you, Mr Chang.
Lovely little lair you've got here.
Yeah, beautiful.
What's he doing with these water system plans, then sir? - Goodbye, Sergeant Rohmer.
Uh! What was that? An extract of the venomous jism of the blue lobster.
The paralysis is almost instantaneous.
Now, wait a mo Greetings, my spawn.
Greetings, my father.
The final opium delivery has arrived.
Everything is ready in readiness.
Ah, most good.
My plan falls into place like a well-oiled jigsaw.
I believe it is feeding time.
- You promised I could torture the fat man.
- Do not worry, my daughter.
You shall have your sport with Nathan Blaze.
Blaze worries me.
He has been known to thwart.
Then perhaps it is time for the thwarter to become the thwartee! Ah, Talon Street.
Quarmby, drop me here, then take Sir Donald home.
I say, Blaze, what the juice are you up to? A criminal makes the mistake of returning to the crime scene.
But I intend to make that mistake first.
Know this, Sergeant Rohmer - all who stick their nose into my tong shall perish.
Witness your own death.
(ROHMER'S STIFLED GROANS) (PARALYSED SCREAMING) (STIFLED SCREAMS PERSIST) Hmm An irregular movement in the sewer.
You look for something? Just taking in the air.
I got pretty lily-white lady for you Elizabeth.
Elizabeth? Hold hard! Don't disappear into the mist.
Thank God.
I'm afraid I'm in heavy bondage.
This is much more than I'd hoped for to find you alive.
Don't be alarmed, but the end of my rod is about to glow red.
Ga! Ba! Really, gentlemen, this hardly seems fair.
What if I put one arm behind my back? Annette, I mean Elizabeth, stay calm Damn you and your inscrutability! Take her to my father's underground lair.
I need to be alone with Mr Blaze.
What? Where? Ah I knew it was a trap.
You don't think I'd trip a trap without knowing it, do you? Traps keep me alert.
Nothing surprises me.
What's that? Opium?! Keep that malignant resin away from me.
Relax, Mr Blaze, I bring answer to all your worries.
You are hungry for sweet dreams, Mr Blaze.
It has absolutely no effect on me.
I just, er, like the taste.
(MALEVOLENT LAUGHTER) Suck, Mr Blaze, suck! (TYBURN) Blaze, are you in there? (MAN) I'll get the girl.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet Good Lord It's almost as if he's outside of his own head.
Curds and whey Curds and whey Curds and whey.
Curds and whey.
Ooh, ah! Thank you, Tyburn.
Ah, Inspector Fong.
Nice to see you.
Seconded to Scotland Yard, you know.
I've had my eye on our Oriental cousins for some time.
- Those yellow fiends! - What news of my darling daughter, Elizabeth? Gone, I'm afraid.
But she's alive for now.
So Have either of you seen a pipe, about so big? I must say this is a most impressive lash-up.
It's a re-fusion device of my own invention.
By its application, a man may overcome addiction to any drug.
This tube extracts my blood, transporting it to that chamber, where lemon juice cleanses it of all opium.
Jolly ingenious, old top.
This tube then pumps the lemon-fresh blood back into my veins leaving me purged and zesty.
Mmm Ah Oh, yes! Gentlemen the man behind the tong is none other than Hang Man Chang, known throughout China as the sinister bony-fingered menace from the East.
But surely Hang Man Chang is dead! Why, you despatched that high-shouldered abomination yourself! - You, Blaze? - So I thought.
Three years ago in Wang Fat, we were grappling on a cliff top.
He fell 5,000 feet onto a craggy coral reef.
I felt sure he was dead.
- But now you've disabused yourself.
- Never underestimate Hang Man Chang.
His tong is very large and his tentacles stretch a long way.
He may have his Ying, but we hold his Yang - in the shape of Woo Woo.
- Woo Who? - His daughter.
- Ah.
Meanwhile, Chang still has my darling daughter Elizabeth in his bony grasp.
There's a waiter at the House of Sin restaurant who works in the employ of Chang.
We must contact him and tell him we're willing to do swapsies.
Look, Blaze, you've received a map.
Ah, it's the London sewers.
But how the deuce? Limehouse region.
(GASPS) - Who are you? - I am Hang Man Chang.
No doubt you have heard of me.
The sinister bony-fingered menace from the East.
The would-be emperor of the free world.
- Woo Woo's dad? - What do you want from me? You are merely the bait in my trap.
Now the time has come for me to shut my trap.
Nathan Blaze believes my map will lead him to you.
But its true purpose is to guide my minions to him.
I can't make head nor tail of this.
It seems to be an ancient, obscure Chinese dialect.
The trick with Chinese, Tyburn, is to read it the wrong way round.
Right, left, left again, right, down the north sewer and then follow your nose.
Please unleash me! Let me loose! Certainly.
Hold on, that's the oldest trick in the book! They've come for you! For YOU! I say, Miss Chang, is it the vapours? Aghh! Don't drown! Concentrate on keeping the water outside your body.
Give me your hand.
- Saints preserve us! - Eugh! Those crabs were meant for me.
Something has happended to my Woo Woo.
She has expired.
I'm I'm sorry.
Yes, she was looking forward to meeting you again and torturing you.
Nathan Blaze, three years ago you killed me.
Now you kill my daughter.
Perhaps it is time I kill you twice! Maybe three times.
Ah, the little hand's come off.
- It would appear so.
- You're the most able-brained chap I know, but I'll wager even you can't explain how crabs become savage flesh-eaters who hone in on a single victim.
Simple.
The map was written not in ink, but black bean sauce.
- I don't have to explain - Excrement! - I beg your pardon? - Excrement processing.
There's a door.
Lead on, Sir Donald.
Is that what I think it is? No, it's opium.
Wicked, wicked opium.
This is the dopest room I've ever been in.
Ah, yes, that's better! - Oh, my neck feels 30 years younger! - I'm certain it's for personal use.
Chang has some deviant plan, I'll be bound.
I wonder if he'll need it all? I mean, use it all? B-b-b-better check it actually is opium.
Yes, that's opium, all right! Blaze, look! (SHOUTS IN CHINESE) By using the art of t'ai chi, I will turn your own energy against you.
Blaze! Help! Googly! Look, old boy, don't worry.
You go on without me.
But it's imperative you find Elizabeth.
- Ahh! - Dislocation of the third vertabra.
- If I just - I'm fine, really No, wait.
That's the ticket.
- You're mad! - On the contrary, I am calm and relaxed.
- I can't swim.
- That, Miss Tyburn, is the least of your problems.
I shall leave you now, my dear, as I fear the atmosphere is about to turn nippy.
Hello? Who's that? Why are you moving sideways? Ah! Hang Man Chang.
The sinister, bony-fingered menace from the East.
Ah, Nathan Blaze.
Twat.
You've no idea what you've stepped into down here.
Oh, I know your business, and it stinks.
You're about to flood London's water supply with pure opium.
By tomorrow, every Londoner will have a monkey on their back.
A lucky guess.
Once you've conquered the capital of England, you're just one short step away from taking over the entire world.
A world which you will never see, because for you, Mr Blaze, the end is already over.
You have superior body mass and a lethal weapon.
I, however, am an adept in the ancient art of pokineye.
The last time I saw you, Chang, you were dead.
It takes more than death to kill me.
When you forced me onto the jagged coral reef, my servants, the crabs, nursed my broken body back to health.
Crabs cannot be nurses.
It's a scientific fact.
Then how do you explain this? I can't.
It's a surprise.
But so's this.
Classic pincer movement, Mr Blaze.
There, that stumped you.
(WOMAN SCREAMS) Elizabeth! Mr Blaze! I'm afraid you find me bound and hysterical.
Don't worry.
You forget I'm a fully qualified mental doctor.
That's better.
Something's stirring down there.
I know.
Are you wet? - Oh, my God! The size of it! - Hmm.
Great Scot! Crustacealis Giganticus.
You, sir, are a big crab! - Er, I CAN run.
- There isn't time.
Elizabeth, my cane! My cane! - Give it some stick, clever bean! - Thank you, old bloke! Simply insert twist and withdraw! Fresh crab meat.
Mmm, delicious! You see, Mr Blaze, I am not as easy to kill as a giant crab.
Listen to me, you armadine monster! A platoon of peelers has surrounded this sewer.
Insect! I do not believe you, and even if I did, I still wouldn't believe you.
My single regret, Mr Blaze, is that your death will not be a slow, tortuous one with lots of spikes.
See you in hell, Chang.
But of course, you'll need a map.
Map? Black bean sauce! (CHANG SCREAMS) What the blazes? Blaze! The world has not seen my end! That's the problem with these Chinese.
You kill them once, and 20 minutes later you have to kill them again.
That was truly diabolical.
Imagine a world with no torture.
No pain, no misery.
Not very interesting, is it? Goodnight.
(CRASH OF THUNDER) February 2017