DTLA (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

Owning a home in L.
A.
Yeah.
Not cool when it rains.
Brian's birthday is tonight.
We're blessed with a clear sky.
Brian is the love of my life.
Six years.
But if this leak gets any worse, I'm not sure we'll be able to fix it.
In a few hours our crazy and amazing friends will be joining us to celebrate his birthday at our place.
- Oh my God, hurry up! - Do you knock? You're not staying here tonight.
You're not wearing that in front of my friends.
What's wrong with what I have on? In a few months, my life and the lives of the people you're about to meet will look nothing like they do today.
And it all starts here.
- Is that the last one? - It better be.
This is the last pot we have in the kitchen.
Thank God it's not supposed to rain tonight.
Happy birthday, baby.
What? - You smell that? - Smell what? What is that? It's not me.
- You don't smell that? - No.
It smells like rancid bong water and rotten broccoli.
OK.
I clean my bong.
You're just imagining things.
- OK.
I smell it too.
- Right? Hey! Thanks for coming.
Thank you! Have a drink! Sweet.
Oh, I like that.
Let me guess.
- Are you on man-hunting again? - Oh my god! He's, like, zero feet away.
That is the creepiest shit ever.
SJ, hand it over and let me see this bitch.
No no no no, OK.
Tell him about Cesar.
Hold on! I know Cesar.
He gave my friend the scabies.
- Not that Cesar.
- Not that Cesar.
Cesar Gomez.
You know Kai's goal is to fuck a celebrity this year? So.
I saw him at Smiles Deli yesterday.
He was by himself and I swear he was checking my shit out.
You think every celeb is on the DL.
Dude.
He fucking wants me.
He was full on with staring at my ass and shit.
I even stared at his cock for, like, 5 seconds.
You stare at everybody's cock.
And he was like, "mmm hmmm.
" And you know it's time for some Asian pussy up in there.
- Shit, right? Right? - Right.
I'm just trying to figure out why's it always a hot celeb.
We never hear you talk about you been cruised by Gene Hackman.
Oooh, Gene Hackman? I'd hit that.
Sit right on his motherfuckin' face.
- You would? - Hold on.
Jane who? That's all he wants to do is sit on Cesar's big dick.
Fuck y'all.
I bet you my dick is bigger than his.
And for the record, I don't just take.
Hold on, that shit about your little yellow dick.
That's some bullshit.
Unfortunately I've had the displeasure of seeing it.
Fuck y'all.
You're jealous.
- Ohhh - You're jealous.
Ah, yeah, I think it's just right around the corner.
- Just up here.
- Here, yeah.
Woop.
- You alright? - Yeah, I'm fine.
This stupid lace.
I think I did a pretty good job on that haircut if I do say so myself.
- It's so regulation.
- It is.
God, we are running so late.
We're surfing tomorrow, right man? Yeah.
We're going surfing tomorrow.
- I didn't tell you.
- You surf? Yeah, I'm pretty good.
- I like surfers.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's cool.
- He thought it was a date.
- I didn't think it was a date.
- He got all excited.
He almost got a hard-on when I told him.
- Oh, don't flatter yourself.
- So, what's up with the place? - What's going on with this loft? - What do you mean? - Are you gonna sell it? - What? You've had it on the market for how long? - Give me a break.
- I know, it dude, it's Lenny's.
- Have you talked to him? - I haven't.
- Tell me.
- I'm gonna talk to him.
Tonight is the night! It's your birthday! When he's giving you your birthday blow job, say, "Uh, hon, I've got a question I wanna ask.
" I know, I just don't know, I don't know if I should tell him.
Well, it doesn't matter what you tell him, he's working anyway.
He's gonna care, because he doesn't really know you, and you guys don't really have the best - I'll charm him.
- situation.
I'll charm him.
I have, like, no idea what to get him.
- Well, what does he like? - Weed.
Oh ho.
Oh.
Uh.
- I don't know.
- I mean Oh, by the way, I don't think I can remember everyone's names.
- Is that gonna be weird? - I got you.
Oh are you gonna protect me? - There you are! - Heyyyy.
- What are you doing in here? - I'm lightin' some candles.
- I see that.
- Yeah.
But what is that smell? - Take, here, take this.
- It's really bad.
- God.
- Ugh.
God! Perfect night for a party, right? What are you really doing in here? - Everybody's outside.
- Everybody? Well, except for Matthew.
I haven't seen him yet.
- But - So What have I missed? Stephan is pretending he doesn't like Trey as much as he really does.
Aw.
And you know Kai's plan to sleep with someone famous? Cesar Gomez.
- The baseball player? - Yes.
- Uhhh.
- Uh.
I know, right? - But you know how it is.
- How 'bout you and Norm? You mean, am I still wishing he would drop dead after having cheated on me? Yes, I still am.
And I think I've actually worn out my welcome at Kai's, so How 'bout you? We haven't had a real conversation or seen each other in weeks.
There are, like, tons of people out there that you invited for your boyfriend's birthday and you're hiding in here.
I just got a lot coming at me right now.
That's all.
OK.
Brian and I are not great.
He still doesn't have a job.
It's almost been a year.
I am financially strapped.
We've had the loft on the market for almost a month, with not a single offer.
And I've been paying my mom's medical bills.
And, uh, I heard from Clarence this morning, and she's sick.
Again.
And probably going into the hospital tonight.
So Oh, honey.
I'm sorry.
Is there anything I can do? Like, do you need to borrow money? Or something? No no no no no.
No.
Thank you.
For offering.
But I got it under control.
I just I just need a break.
- OK.
- Thank you, baby.
Alright, let's get out of here and get some COCK tails.
That sounds good.
I will just hit this one more time, because this place still smells.
- Smells like shit! - Like shit! - Need a drink.
- Yes! - Y'all want one? - You want a drink? I want some scotch.
I'm good.
I'm good.
What's going on, Len.
Is Brian having fun? One of his friends got him a vaporizer, so I assume so.
Vaporizer.
What's that? Boy, you know what a vaporizer is.
It's smoking weed, it filters out the nasty stuff.
OK.
Speaking of nasties, smelling kind of funky up here ever since the rain.
- You smell that? - Kinda? Yeah, I wasn't gonna tell you.
It smells like shit.
Are you for sh See, I can't with you right now.
I need a drink.
Who's that creature all over Matthew? - That's Marky, his boyfriend.
- Boyfriend? - Matthew, you can do so much - Cut it out.
Sweet Georgia plantation money.
What is he doing with the funky bunch? He's been together with him for a couple months.
Makes him happy.
So I was just talking to Rod Hmmm He knows what the smell is.
Black mold.
What the hell is black mold? Develops in the Walls and just about everyone - else there's water seeping.
- Shut up.
No, your friend doesn't know what he's talking about.
Lenny, our loft is infected with black mold.
It makes total sense.
- Do you think it's toxic? - Not at all.
Not at all.
You see what you did with your voice right there? - Liar.
- Shut up.
Mmm your breath tastes like turd.
- Sorry! - Hoo! Can't I smoke a bowl on my birthday without making a snatchy-ass comment.
I guess, as long as I don't have to kiss you.
- Yuck mouth.
- You're such an asshole.
Alright.
You ready to do this? - Yes.
- Cheers, babe.
Ahhh! Hoo! Oh.
So, are we gonna do another one? Why don't we stick to beer for a few minutes? OK.
So is Lenny the black one? I just want you to know that this means a lot to me.
Even if you don't like my friends, could you at least pretend like you do? Maybe you'll actually get to know one or two of 'em.
Yeah.
God forbid that would happen.
No, you're right.
It's not gonna kill me to enjoy myself.
Or at least pretend to in front of your friends.
I love you.
I love you too.
OK.
I'm gonna get another drink.
You want one? Yes please.
Jack and Coke.
OK.
Take my cup.
No! I'll get you a new one.
Cuz I didn't buy enough red plastic cu Get me a new one.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Babe! C'mon open the door, babe.
Are you in there? Yo! Come on, you've been in there forever.
You're starting to freak me out.
Come on, just open the door Do you happen to know where the bathroom is? Yeah, uh, if you go back inside, you make a left and another left, it's, uh, just past the kitchen.
- I'm Waylon.
- Len.
Oh my God.
Hey hey, Trey.
How what's happenin' buddy? - I I've gotta go.
Like bad.
- Well, that's great.
But unfortunately, the guy I'm dating is in there and he's not answering the door.
Heyyyyy.
Hey.
Where've you been? For the last 20 minutes, right here.
Really? Matthew's got a new dude and he's not answering, - and I was next in line.
- Really? - Really.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
- Dead serious.
- What's his name? - Marky.
- Marky.
- Yes, Marky.
Marky.
- Marky! - Marky, come on! There's people that have to go out here now.
You alright? 'Cuz you seem kind of out of it for a party.
It's my house.
You're a friend of Brian's? - Who's Brian? - My boyfriend Brian? - This is his birthday party.
- Oh! This is your boyfriend's birthday, huh? I can't.
Where'd you meet this guy? Um, I'll tel Brian! Hey, Brian! Maybe Brian has a key or something.
- Brian! - Hey! - Hey! - There you are! What are you guys doing? Uh, well, Marky's stuck in the bathroom.
- Happy birthday, by the way.
- Thanks.
Here.
hold on.
Let me try something real quick.
Uh! Alright.
I got it.
- I tried that.
- Alright, give me a second.
Oh my Gosh.
God, you'd think they'd have a key.
I assume you came with friends.
No.
I'm actually here with a client who's extremely boring and, to be honest, we're not even friends.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Uh, I'm gonna head back inside, but you have a good time.
Before you go, um, I give a really good massage and I can help you with this tension.
You should give me a call sometime.
Take my card.
Thanks.
Have fun.
There you go.
This always works.
- Old trick.
- Genius! - Card.
- God.
- Can I go first? - Fuck that! No! Oh, C'mon.
Girls go faster.
- No.
No.
- They do! - Oh shit.
- Oh my God.
- What the fuck? - Oh my God.
Baby? Hey, babe? Hey.
You OK? He's passed out, you guys.
Trey, don't take a fuckin' piss in there? I'm gonna have to piss in the sink, then.
- Fuck all of you.
- I guess he rolled off the toilet.
- I guess he rolled off the toilet.
- But in this position? I don't I have no idea.
Babe.
And yeah, I guess.
I'm not gonna pick him up on his legs.
- I'm just - Well, I mean.
Here, we just have to without touching his junk.
It's alright now.
- Is he okay? - Should we take him to the hospital? He just had a little bit of drinks.
- Pivot.
- Alright.
I hope we don't hear nothing coming out of him.
So, I'll let y'all take it from here.
What the hell's going on in here? Lenny, I'm so sorry.
I wanted you to meet Marky.
Ah, he doesn't drink that much.
He's in the military.
- So - Is, ah is he OK? - Do you want me to get something? - I think I think so.
- I'm so sorry.
- No, it's fine.
I think I've seen worse.
I think.
SJ, make sure you run the shower when you're done in there.
Sure thing, Len.
Nice to meet you, Marky.
By the way? That in the there, to the grave.
OK.
Got it.
Hey babe? You there? Wake up.
No, I need to go back to base camp.
You can't go back to the base camp tonight, OK? It's really far.
We're just gonna go to my place.
You you don't want to see the base camp.
I do want to see the base camp, OK, just not tonight, alright? Let's just get you home, alright? OK.
- Help me, fucker.
- OK, c'mon.
Hey.
We're outta here.
- Hey! - So outta here.
- Well thanks for coming.
- Cheers.
I'm sorry we Hey, try not to have a good time.
Try not to have a good time.
I'm sorry.
- Thanks for the hospitality.
- Any time.
- I'm faded.
- Any time.
- Get you home safe.
- Thank you so much.
No way! - What? - Ow.
He's back in town? Oh, yeah.
Just this week.
He called and I, uh, told him to stop by.
- Is he still modeling? - I don't think so.
Who's that? Uh, I think she's a supermodel? - Or something like that? - Of course.
- You made it! - Yeah, of course, man.
Thanks for inviting me.
Good to see you! Of course.
Wow.
Oh my goodness.
Wow.
Hey! Oh yeah.
Oh, adjustment.
- Oh, your back cracked! - That was a good one.
Oh, um.
This is Caress, by the way, guys.
Hi, Caress.
I'm SJ.
Nice to meet you, you're gorgeous.
Stunning.
I love you.
- Your name? - Why thank you, sexy.
Caresssss - You look great, man.
- Thanks, I feel good.
You lost a lot of weight! Yeah.
I've stopped taking steroids and lost all my muscle.
I appreciate you noticing.
Dude.
Thanks, yeah, I stopped drinking too, so maybe I lost a little bit of bloat.
- Good for you.
- Thank you.
Absolutely.
So no steroids means no more shrinkage of the dick? Wait a minute, wait, is this the Asian guy making small dick jokes? - No no no! - Let's go get you some drinks! - What can I get you guys? - Uh, water.
- I don't know right now.
- Water and a cup of Coke.
Yeah.
Uh, Kai, how about you come with me to the bar with Caress? Kai! Yeah.
So Caress.
You're hilarious.
She's a friend.
We worked together in New York.
Uh huh.
I swear! - This is nice.
- This? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I made it.
- I can make you one.
- Really? Yeah! It's, uh, organic bamboo.
100% recyclable.
- That's really cool! - Huh, thanks.
So, how's the modeling world? I wouldn't know.
I quit.
- Wasn't really workin' out.
- I'm sorry.
Whatever.
Everything happens for a reason, right? Why are you back in L.
A.
? Sh, I don't know.
Starting over.
Oh my God.
Look at her.
It's just flirting.
It's fine.
- So, uh, Norm's not comin', huh? - No, no.
- Cool party.
- Thanks! - Who's SJ? - His ex.
I see.
You are a dick.
She needs to focus on her marriage.
Not on her desirability to other men.
I gotta go.
You gotta go? Like, you're leaving the party? - Yeah.
- Why? I have to go to the garment district.
Early in the morning.
So That sucks.
We should get together.
- Lunch? - Uh Drinks? Uh - Still scotch? - Yeah.
See, I remember.
Alright.
OK.
OK, cool.
I'll call you.
It was so good to see you.
Yeah.
Wow.
- Get home safe.
- Bye.
- Nice to meet you.
- It was great seeing you.
You're out of here too? Oh man! Everyone's leaving.
- Mark it.
- Mark it.
So is that true what they say about the steroids and what it does to your, you know? Maybe you'll find out for yourself.
Can I get you guys to come out of the bedroom? Gentlemen? Out of the bedroom? Please? Thank you.
Thank you.
Have a good night.
- No.
Not in the b - Hey.
Baby.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
How are you? - Dirty.
- Aw.
Um, Rod here wants to help us stage the loft for the open house.
- Hey, Lenny.
- Hey, Rod.
So yeah, as you know, first thing first.
I don't think the space is terrible.
I don't think there's any reason why you shouldn't be able to sell it.
You just gotta, you know, bring out the charms that are buried underneath.
Get rid of the frat boy vibe a little, you know.
We can just kill the starving art student feeling in this place.
I'll tell you what's gonna sell this place, let me tell you right now.
I'm gonna take you to the gardening section, we're gonna get some potted plants, put 'em around here, you'll be surprised.
We're gonna dial this place up.
So throw some ficus around and dial the place up.
That's the plan.
Um, Rod owns a bunch of apartment complex over in Thousand Oaks.
He does this type of thing all the time.
- Ooh! Thousand Oaks! Really! - Lenny.
- What is that all about? - Alright, well, this is awkward.
But I had a good time! No, no, no, it was so comfortable right now.
[laughing.]
You have a good birthday, buddy, alright? Much love.
- Leonard.
- Leonard.
That's me.
Thanks for comin'.
What the hell was that all about? - Your friend's a dick.
- You know what? As always, you're a total cunt to all my friends.
Brian.
No.
You should listen to him.
'Cuz he knows what he's doing.
Not paying that guy? No, he's my friend for Christ sake.
But you know what? You would never know any of that, because you never actually hang out with any of them.
- Let's step outside.
- I don't want to step outside.
- Step outside.
- Fuckin' whatever.
What the hell is wrong with you? Why would I take advice from that dickhead? I don't need you and your slimeball straight friends ganging up on me, OK? Lenny, what does him being straight have to do with anything? - He's a real estate agent.
- I don't trust him.
How do I know he didn't make this whole black slime shit up to charge me a buttload of money? Sorry to interrupt man.
She's gotta catch a flight to Milan.
Good to see you, man.
Thanks for comin' Kevin.
Of course.
- Hi.
Kevin.
- Kevin? Yes.
Brian.
Nice to meet you.
- Happy birthday, man.
- Thank you.
Uh, she's gotta use the restroom.
Oh, the bedroom, just make a right, straight through there.
- OK.
Cool.
- See you guys later.
Hey! Next week.
You're coming to the gym.
Jujitsu.
Jujitsu.
Sure.
Whatever you want to call it.
Charge you? That's right, 'cuz it's your loft and I don't have a say in the matter? - You're right.
I'm sorry.
- You know what? You're so fucking condescending to me all the time.
I'm sorry Brian.
I'm sorry.
I, uh I gotta tell you somethin'.
What? - Mom's in the hospital.
- What? Cancer is back with a vengeance.
I didn't want to say anything 'cuz it's your birthday I didn't want to mess up your party.
No no no.
What's going on? Clarence had to take her to the emergency room tonight and I have to drive down in the morning to see her.
No.
- I'm coming with you, OK? - I didn't want to say anything.
No no no.
I'm sorry, baby.
No, It's your birthday.
I didn't want to fuck up your party.
No no no, let's go tonight.
I'm sorry.
We'll see her tomorrow.
Why did you wait all this time to tell me? I don't fuckin' know, man.
Oh my God.
You know what? Leave this, I'll get it tomorrow.
Are you sure? - I'll be done in a few minutes.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
It's your birthday.
You know what I'm saying? Let's go inside.
Shit.
Shit.
What the fuck? Somebody's in here.
They'll find their way out.
By the way.
Steroids shrink your balls, not your cock.
This place smells like shit.
Ahhh! Shit! - It does smell like shit.
- It does.
- Man.
- That's a buzzkill.
Who the fuck is that? Alright, sorry, sorry sorry.
Let's get back.
So your, your friend Kevin and that model chick were getting it on in the bathroom.
Yeah, I kinda wish I had them use the other bathroom.
First I thought it was Rod and Kim, because that's so something he would do.
Nice.
Yeah.
Oh! Did some research online this morning.
Your friend Rod is right about the mold.
We have to pull the loft off the market to remove it.
I can't even imagine what it's gonna cost.
- I'm so done with this place.
- Yeah, I know.
Um So what's your story anyway? Kevin and I were, uh, roommates in college.
Right.
That's why he looks so familiar.
I've seen him in so many pictures.
Yeah.
He, um, he's just back in town after spending time in New York.
Modeling.
He actually kinda cut us out.
We all drifted.
He kind of stopped taking to us.
But then I guess he fell on some hard times.
Now he's back in L.
A.
for a fresh start.
And of course, he and SJ were college sweethearts.
Really? Oh my God! It's a whole thing.
It's a whole thing.
That's awesome.
But do not mention it to either one of them, because I think they're both still a little hung up on each other.
But we've got so much time to play around.
We don't have time to play around.
I've got so much to do today.
Here.
Here's your shirt.
Oh! What are you doing? Ah.
Helping you since you won't do it.
Come on! Come on! - Come on! - OK.
Just put your stuff on.
I, like, you know, you understand? I have to get in the right head space for this.
And you being here is not helpful.
How, how about you let me watch you rehearse? No.
I can't rehearse while you're watching.
No.
No.
No.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Come on.
- Really? Yeah.
Really.
Really.
- OK.
- All right? - See you later, OK? - Bye.
Bye.
See you later.
- My shirt's inside out.
- Yeah, no one's gonna care.
Love you.
- I love you too.
- Bye.
Hey, kid.
- How you feelin' lady? - Mmmm.
- Brian.
- Hey, beautiful.
You guys didn't have to come all the way down here.
Of course we came.
How you doin', Clarence? You just missed your little brother.
- Had to take Beth to work.
- Yeah, he called me.
So uh what'd the doctor say? Nothin' much.
Man I don't like him.
He too busy actin' all sedated to answer questions.
You you need me to talk to him? I, I don't need you guys makin' a fuss over me.
- I'm fine.
- It's no fuss, ma.
We just wanna make sure they're doing everything they can.
I just said I'm fine.
Now hush.
Lenny.
You need to shave that beard.
I don't like it.
You're not gonna comfort me right now.
- I like the beard.
- It makes you look old.
Oh, shit.
Here she go.
Wow.
Then, what what is this, mom? Beer tap? Stop it.
See, beer sounds real good right about now.
Aw, that's nasty.
- Wow, Clarence.
- You guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, so I'm gonna head out to the gym.
OK.
How you holdin' up? It's it's hard seeing her like that, you know? I know.
Uh, so, what do you want to do for dinner? I don't care.
You decide.
Uh, I guess I'll just pick up something on the way home.
- OK.
- OK.
Zip it! OK.
Can I have your attention please? I want to thank y'all for comin' out here today and takin' time out of your busy schedules refilling iced tea to read for my new play.
I'm gonna let you boys know somethin' right off the bat.
In this play, there is going to be extreme nudity.
There are going to be graphic sexual situations.
Yes, boys.
You will be showing your dickedy doo dahs.
This is the dong show.
And I don't want any Queer as Folk U.
S.
version, ass only no nutsack showing boring gay sex scene.
This is not just any gay play.
It's a theatrical tour de force.
and the, in the vein of your, your queer theater greats.
Tennessee Williams, Oscar Wilde, Tyler Perry, and if you're uncomfortable with playing a homosexual or engaging in acts that can be deemed as homosexual, then I suggest you hit the door, go back to your waiting job.
Yes? Homosexual means, uh, guys having sex with other guys, right? Um, or, do you want us to queen out? Well, I'm so glad you asked that.
Cuz if you can act half as good as you can sit there lookin' pretty, asking borderline offensive questions, then you are hired.
No seriously.
There's gonna be no faggy business in this play.
There gonna be no mansion queens, there's gonna be no sassy comebacks.
This is not a show on LOGO, ok? I want manly men, not, not the shaved ball ass crack shaved everything shaved shit.
I want real men.
OK? OK now.
Would everyone please go out to the lobby except for Matthew Buvier.
That you? What're you doin'? Just preparing for this case tomorrow.
The one you won't tell anybody about? - Stop asking me about this case.
- So, then, what is the case? OK, look.
I'm working on the Davis file.
You are not workin' on the Davis case.
I'm workin' on the Davis case.
Son of a bitch! Yup.
What you doin'? Workin' on this depo for my dickhead senior partner.
Been on my ass all week.
Man, I wish you worked at my firm.
We'd have so much fun.
Ch, I don't.
I like havin' my own single just fine.
Hey, did Brian have a good time the other day? Oh yeah.
In fact, I suspect he's having a good time right now.
What? Uh huh.
Once again, out all day, not answering phone calls.
Do you, um, think he's creepin'? Um, what are the three signs? Is he gone for long hours? Yes.
Is he secretive with his phone and his texts? Yes.
And, what's the last one? Does he suddenly have all new underwear.
I can't answer that for you.
I don't know.
Yeah.
He doesn't wear underwear.
Too much information, OK? F now I'm getting the proverbial text.
"Sorry, I was in a store, I didn't get any reception.
I had to go back inside to get potatoes.
" What the f he's so guilty.
It's, it's pathetic.
I'm sorry, man.
But I think you know what's what.
I can't kick his ass out because we went in on the place together.
But the idea was, we would split the whole thing down the middle, you know? Come to find out his credit is such a mess, I had to cover the whole down payment myself.
How did you guys get into this predicament? Brian hasn't had a job for almost a year.
How are you dealing with this shit with Trey? Trey works at a doughnut shop.
It's like he doesn't work anywhere.
You know what I always say: kisses aren't contracts.
I could kick his ass out anytime.
I know.
You let me know if he's cheating on you.
We can kick his ass.
Man.
Look, I gotta get back to work, man.
Hangin' up.
Bye.
Hey, it's Brian.
Leave me a message.
What's up? So, you don't think that I heard anything that you just said about me right now? - About you? - Yeah, about me.
Trey, the phone call wasn't about you.
Wow, it's like, you don't even care that you just said some really hurtful shit about me right now.
But the phone call wasn't about you.
I told Lenny I don't let anybody get in the way of my money.
That's it.
Yeah, and how I'm disposable.
You know what, Trey.
I, I got some work to do.
That's all you do is work! And try to fit into this, this big-time world that you think you've created! No, I am big-time.
You know, I'm not gonna apologize for being successful, Trey.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you wouldn't understand.
You work a part-time job at a doughnut shop.
Look at how you sound, Uncle Tizzy! Look, I'm fine with who I am.
And if you can't accept that, then you can just, you can go and fuck yourself.
It's not even worth it anymore.
You know what? While you out? Grow up! It'd be nice having an adult in the bed for a change.
Now what makes you think that I would honestly want to come back to somebody as unhappy as you? You'll be back.
And I am happy.
Hey, it's Brian.
Leave me a message.
Red lights slow down, winding road, 'Cuz we're out of control Left, right, make a choice, 'Cuz we're splittin' at the fork of the road Oh woooah.
It's drivin' me crazy I wanna stay but I just don't know It's drivin' me crazy I love you but I gotta take it slow That's all of my gasoline, so baby please understand me It's drivin' me crazy And I feel like my night's getting longer I can't sleep.
Don't know how much I want to Holdin' on tight I'm losin' grip of the wheel Red lights, slow down, winding road, 'Cuz we're out of control Left, right, make a choice, 'Cuz we're splittin' at the fork of the road It's drivin' me crazy I want to stay but I just don't know It's drivin' me crazy, I love you but I gotta take it slow That's all of my gasoline, so baby please understand me It's drivin' me crazy Crazy! Yeah.
Crazy It's drivin' me crazy I want to stay but I just don't know It's drivin' me crazy, I love you but I gotta take it slow That's all of my gasoline, So baby please understand me It's drivin' me crazy Oh my God, Cesar Gomez's building has this doorman! - And he loves me.
- Oh! Agh, who cares? - What's the sitch? - I'm getting to that.
Okay, here's the deal.
Cesar calls him every time he needs to go somewhere.
So he tells him to arrange a car, where he's goining.
I got the guy to agree to call me every single time he does it well, text me.
You're fuckin' shitting me.
- You're going on a date! - OH, we're going on a date! Wait.
The doorman asked you out on a date? - Well, no, I asked him, but - Why would you do that? - Because he's nice.
- What about Norm? When are you gonna move back with him? Ow God! You need to get your life in order! - What was that for? - I need to get my life in order? - Yeah.
- You know what? You're the fuckin' stalker.
You're the fuckin' freak.
I don't want to talk about Norm.
Why do you do that? Why do you have to go ruin a nice time.
He's a fuckin' dirt dick.
I don't want to catch anything.
Don't you get that? You know, you're mean as shit to him, SJ.
You don't want to have sex with him.
He only fucked that other woman because he's lonely.
- You know he loves you.
- What do you know about love? - That was cunty.
- Yeah, sorry.
You know, I know just as much about love as you do.
OK.
You got me back.
- I'm a shitty person.
- Yeah, you are.
- Does that make you feel better? - Yeah, it does.
You know what? It really does.
Where you going? Away from your fuckin' ugliness.
Well you'd better give it up to that doorman! Then you better give that shit up! You know what? That is never gonna happen.
Well that pussy hasn't been served up since Clinton was in office, bitch! You ready to flip over? Uh, yeah.
Alright, I'm just gonna hold up this towel here and you just flip over.
How's that? Uh, as you can see, it's, it's all good.
Don't worry about it.
It happens to most of 'em.
I'd assume it's kind of a, kind of required, right? What do you mean by that? I mean, you know, how else are you gonna? - Gonna what? - Finish me off? Aw, I think you've misunderstood here.
This is not that kind of massage.
Sorry, buddy.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh really? I'm sorry.
I th, I uh It's all right.
You can get dressed and I'll be out here waiting on you.
Ss, ah, OK.
So you gonna walk me to the subway station, or? Actually I was gonna see if we could go by my pad real quick.
Wait.
What? Wait.
You know, just, let me finish.
I was gonna see if you wanna go by my place so I can pack a bag.
So I can come with you to the base.
You have no idea what that means to me.
- Yeah? - Seriously.
I really don't mind being the one that has to travel.
So Besides, I know you're gonna be down at my place soon, so it's not that big of a deal.
- Nope.
- Yup.
Can you put your keys right there, please? Like right now? - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Good bye.
I think so.
What are you doing? What do you want? What if I told you I knew exactly where Cesar Gomez was right now.
- You're lying.
- Lying? Intersection at 4th and Main.
- 4th and Main? - 4th and Main.
That's close.
Is that like your down low place or something like that? - Did you just say down low? - Isn't that what you call it? Who says that? - Cesar is really here? - Mmm hmmm.
- You fucking swear? - I fucking swear.
- You're not lying.
- No, I'm not.
- Come on, let's go! - OK! Alright! Oh! OK.
Hey.
Hey, how you doin'.
We're Good.
Hey! Hey! We're Good.
Yup, you can go in.
You can not.
No! No, meow meow meow.
OK.
Go ahead.
Yup, have fun.
Oh my God! Mr.
Nakamoto! Ho! What the fuck? Devon! Don't worry.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Just no pop quiz tomorrow, OK? - Devon! - What? Get down here! I, I wanna see you in my office before school tomorrow.
Are you kidding me? I work until 3 a.
m.
What are you doing here? Whatever they're paying you, forget about it.
You don't need the money.
Your dad's an investment banker, for Chrissakes! You need to let go of my arm now.
No.
Devon! Devon! And get the fuck out of my Kool-Aid.
I'm not trying to spread your shit around the street, OK? Devon.
Devon.
Leave me alone.
I'm dancing.
I can't let you in.
Nothing you do, nothing you say, I'm not letting you in.
They don't want you in there.
So Doesn't that bother you? It's kind of sexist, don't you think? It's a gay bar.
That's why I'm outside.
I'm like the non-Jew in a temple.
OK? Julia Ormond.
What? Hey.
Excuse me! Right here.
Excuse me.
Can you get me the manager please? I'm the manager.
What's goin' on? - You're the manager? - I am the manager.
Perfect.
You see that twinkie white boy over there standing on that table, shaking his little booty? No.
That's a 17-year-old boy.
I'm a math teacher, that's my student.
And we need to get him out of here.
OK? - Oh 17-year-old boy.
Huh? - Yeah.
17-year-old.
17-year old.
In your bar.
On that table.
Shaking his booty.
Honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about.
You want a drink, man? Take a seat for a second.
If I sit down, you're gonna help me? Sit down.
You're gonna help me, though, right? I'm gonna help you.
You're gonna help me get him out of here, right? I'm gonna help you.
I'm gonna give you a great drink and it's on the house.
It's on me.
It's my secret recipe.
It's vodka and ice.
- Oh.
Fuck.
- Alright.
What's your name? I know, everyone probably lets you in wherever you want to go, don't they? - Huh? Pretty lady! - Yeah, that's right.
You're not gettin' in here.
God damn it.
Um, look.
I really am sorry about the, uh, the misunderstanding.
You mean the uh, assumption that I'm a prostitute? I think I just misread some signs.
I'm sorry.
Let's get you home to your boyfriend.
- Good night.
- G'night.
Ow ow ow ow! Ow! Ahhhhh.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Oh! Oh! Oh yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ow! Fuck.