Duck Dodgers (2003) s01e02 Episode Script
The Fowl Friend / The Fast and the Feathery
I wonder what happened to my satellites.
A Martian battle station.
I don't like the looks of this.
Calling Duck Dodgers.
Come in, Duck Dodgers.
- Dodgers! - What! Oh, it's you.
I have strong reason to believe that a Martian battle station has destroyed our satellites.
And is headed for the Earth.
I'm assigning you to investigate.
Sorry, I.
Q.
, no can do.
- What do you mean, "no can do"? - I just can't handle the workload.
Take a look at the cadet.
The poor little fella doesn't even realize he's being slowly worked to death.
What are you getting at, Dodgers? I might be able to handle your stupid assignment if I had my own robot slave.
I mean, fellow crew member.
This is against my better judgment, but I'm assigning Agent Roboto to your crew.
Is it here yet? Is it here yet? Is it here yet? He's ready to come aboard.
- Wow! - Greetings, Captain Dodgers.
- It is an honor to serve you.
- Yeah, I imagine it is.
- You're here to follow my every command, right? - Yes, sir.
- My every whim? - Yes, captain.
I can get to like this.
Alphabetize my comics.
Do my laundry.
Mow the Astro turf.
- And, Roboto.
- Yes, captain? My toenails are looking really gross.
I could use a pedicure.
- Sir.
Yes, sir.
- You can drop the formal stuff.
Then, may I call you friend? Hmm.
Yeah, I guess so.
Captain Dodgers, you are Roboto's friend.
- Am I interrupting something? - Not at all! We're approaching the Martian battle station.
Excellent.
Prepare the shuttle.
Engage the disappear-oh device.
We'll slip in right under their Martian noses.
I'll just put her down right by those barrels.
Oops! Maybe it's better over-- Drat.
I'll just stop right here.
Now, follow my lead and see how it's done.
Aha! Aah! DODGERS: I could use a little help here.
Must protect friend.
CENTURION: What was that? [CENTURION BABBLING INDISTINCTLY.]
Intruders.
Protect the laser cannon.
Ha! Not so fast, Martian.
Duck Dodgers is here to destroy that fiendish weapon.
[CRASHING.]
Weapon is destroyed.
Oh, Roboto, that was spectacu.
Wonderful.
[ALARM BLARING.]
The whole place is gonna blow! Evacuate! [SCREAMING.]
But, but I usually get to blow up the battle station.
ROBOTO: Let's go, friend.
All right, everyone, look sharp.
Doctor I.
Q.
Hi will be calling any second to congratulate me on my stunning defeat of the Martians.
Nice work, cadet.
And you, Roboto.
You didn't screw things up too much.
Well, Dodgers, I'm calling to congratulate you and your crew on a mission well done.
Agent Roboto, you really distinguished yourself today.
I haven't seen moves like that since Star Johnson sent the Tarellions packing back in '32.
You're too kind, Doctor I.
Q.
But the real credit should go to my friend Captain Dodgers.
[LAUGHING.]
And you've got a sense of humor too.
Well, Roboto, good work.
You're really on the fast track to promotion.
Say, doc, before you go, I'd just like to say, I can't take all the credit myself.
I mean, I did have a little help.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
You crack me up, Dodgers.
Um, cadet, can I get a transcript of this meeting? "Roboto, Roboto, Roboto.
" Roboto? Are you kidding? That went great.
He didn't even yell at Captain Dodgers this time.
Dodgers' friend.
Friend, is it? This ship's only big enough for one friend.
So long, Roboto.
[CACKLING.]
Now all I have to do is position this rescue beacon on one of those explosive Martian space mines.
Careful.
Steady.
- Yes! - Hello, friend.
- What are you doing? - Ah, well, oh, I was just doing some stuff.
You know, Roboto, sometimes in the deepest darkness of space a cry goes out for help.
Save me! I'm lost in deepest darkness.
So we must be ever vigilant listening for a friend who is lost in space.
Hark! Did you hear that? - What? - A signal from a friend.
Will you help him? Will you help him? ROBOTO: I will help him.
I will help the friend.
Where are you friend? I cannot hear you.
Better turn the beacon on.
There.
[BEEPING.]
I hear you.
Do not lose hope, friend.
And in a moment a large explosion and it's a-dios, Roboto.
- Friend, I have rescued your friend.
- Thanks.
Not exactly what I had in mind.
[SCREAMING.]
Priceless works of art! [SINGING FRERE JACQUES.]
French orphans? Simple Amish folk? Some days you just can't get rid of a Martian space mine.
[SCREAMING.]
Perfect! Oh, my.
This is no place for a space mine.
One of those orphans might happen upon it.
There.
- You win again, Roboto.
- Good game, cadet.
That walking trashcan will never survive Operation Mother's Brooch.
Ugh.
Mother had the worst taste.
Simply drop it in the engine port.
Oops.
- Oh, Roboto! - Yes, friend.
Roboto, I'm in an awful bind.
I just did something terrible.
Roboto will help friend bury body.
No, um, I dropped something way down the engine port, my mother's brooch.
Mother? Roboto find.
Thanks.
It's a family heirloom.
What a sweet guy.
Too bad I have to destroy him.
Are you in the engine chamber, Roboto? Yes, friend.
Roboto is in the chamber.
Okay, buddy.
COMPUTER: Warning! Engines are overloading.
[HUMMING.]
COMPUTER: Engines approaching critical level.
Please test.
That should do it.
Good news, captain.
I have found your mother's brooch.
Let me pin it on you.
No thanks! Uh, it clashes with my earrings.
I insist, friend.
Keep it! I don't want it! Sell it online! [DODGERS SCREAMS.]
[THUDS.]
Captain Dodgers? We have a most dangerous situation on our hands.
A giant asteroid is heading straight for our ship.
Well, get us out of here.
[GASPS.]
CADET: I can't, sir.
The engines won't respond.
I'm afraid we're done for.
Oh, no.
- What? - The asteroid.
When that thing hits, we'll all be destroyed.
- Shouldn't we get to the shuttle.
- It wouldn't matter.
ROBOTO: Fix.
Roboto? Friend, you stay.
I go.
No following.
[GRUNTS.]
I love you.
DODGERS: I could use a pedicure.
Dodgers' friend.
I sure hope that table holds.
It is all together fitting that we join here in this place to remember our fallen comrade, Agent Roboto.
Roboto was like a brother to me.
Well, maybe not like a brother.
I mean, he never stole my girlfriend or wrecked my new Corvette.
I guess he was more like a cousin, a second cousin.
And so we bid a final farewell to Agent Roboto.
Roboto, I have and will always be your friend.
You know, Dodgers, I had a chance to poke around Roboto's remains and think his cranial capacitor is still in good shape.
Why I should have Agent Roboto back together in no time.
Oops! Cumsy me.
Oops again! Then again, it might take a little longer.
The lone duck descends in a last ditch effort to drop incendiary ordinance on an unsuspecting enemy.
Kaboom! Take that you heathen monkeys.
[KNOCKING ON GLASS.]
Hey, give some of the rest of us kids a chance.
You've been in there for 20 minutes.
There you go, junior.
Knock yourself out.
Well, doc, I really gotta hand it to you.
She's one sweet ride.
Not a bad jalopy, but nothing like the hot rods I used to race back in the 21st century.
Wow.
You were a hot rodder? Are you kidding? I practically invented racing.
Checkered flags.
Big gold trophies.
Lucrative endorsement deals with soulless mega corporations.
That was all me.
[FANFARE PLAYING ON TRUMPETS.]
Yuck.
Who invited the Martians? Introducing the supreme leader of the Martian Empire her Royal Highness, the Queen of Mars! Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present our entry for this year's competition, the Martian Maverick Six Million.
The Maverick features all the latest Martian technology and will be piloted by our undefeated grand champion who will gladly destroy any competition.
Arrogant blowhards.
Doc, let's get out of here.
Cadet, this way! Cadet? Why he's the greatest racer of this or any century.
COMMANDER: Now see here, my fine pig.
I am a six-time grand champion.
Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Sorry, Mr.
Eyeball Guy.
Coming through.
I accept Duck Dodgers' challenge and I shall obliterate him on the race course.
We'll see about that.
- Cadet, what are you trying to do? - I entered you in the race.
- I was just telling them what a great racer.
- Um.
You know, maybe I wasn't all that great.
[ALL GASP.]
- Say it ain't so.
- I'm shocked.
- Fraud.
- I thought he was a real space hero.
[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE.]
I think left the tub running.
Maybe there is no Santa Claus.
I hope you're happy.
Fear not, my people.
I will not shrink from the task set before me.
I shall be your champion and defeat the Martian horde.
Oh, Santa.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Arrogant blowhard.
[ENGINGE ROARING.]
You remember the plan, right? Aye, aye, mein capitan.
See you in the winner's circle.
- All systems activated.
- Prepare for blast-off! On your mark, get set go! [ALL CHEERING.]
Whoa! Egad! He's actually good.
What is his secret? Aha.
Chicanery, is it? We'll see about that.
CENTURION: Excuse me.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
[THUDDING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Cadet, what are you doing? Nyah, nyah.
Cheaters never prosper.
[SCREAMING.]
[ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
[DODGERS SCREAMS.]
[PANTING.]
Hey, I think I've got the hang of this.
Pleasingly volcanic! Whoa! Ouch, ouch, ouch! That was almost too easy.
[CHEERING.]
[MARTIAN QUEEN LAUGHS.]
MARTIAN QUEEN: With all due respect, cadet it looks like your duck has been cooked.
[LAUGHING.]
With all due respect, Your Highness, this race isn't over yet.
If you're all that confident, maybe you'd like to make the race a little more interesting.
You mean a wager? Is the little piggy chicken? Pardon me a moment.
- Sir.
- What is it, cadet? Could I borrow a million trillion space credits until next Wednesday.
- Here, take it out of my wallet.
- Thanks.
Gotta find a way to get out in front of the little squirt.
They may have missed something when they deactivated the weapon systems.
Bingo! Emergency flares.
Well, this is an emergency.
Oh, my! That little cheater.
Giant space bats! [SCREAMS.]
Huh? I guess I'll have to do this the old fashioned way.
Rip them off by hand.
Yuck.
They're slimy.
Salty too.
Not what I had in mind.
[GRUNTING.]
Could this get any worse? [MUFFLED MUTTERING.]
Me and my big mouth.
Salty.
Stupid rocket boots.
I've still got a chance.
Let's see what this baby can do.
A fitting end to one duck's ride on this mad, twirling merry-go-round we call life.
Well, what do you know.
Ugh! That infernal duck.
You seem vexed, my lady.
Have no fear.
Mars will win this race.
I'm glad you're so sure.
- Double or nothing.
- Oh, jeepers.
I don't know I'll throw in one hundred million of your Earth hamburgers.
- With cheese? - Deal.
All right, finish line.
Come to papa.
I think not, Earth creature.
You're not the only one with a trick up his sleeve.
What? Are you trying to tell me that little Miss Molly Martian has a cheaty trick? [LAUGHING.]
Cut it out, cue ball.
You're killing me.
Actually, that is the idea.
COMPUTER: Warning! Explosion imminent.
- Explosion? - Oh, yes.
Exploding rocket fuel makes such a lovely fireball.
What? Yes! [CROWD CHEERING.]
This just cannot be.
Ha! [SINGING.]
Dodgers is the winner That makes you the loser You know, I think I learned a valuable lesson today.
Winners never cheat.
And cheaters never win.
And a stitch in time saves nine.
And don't take any wooden nickels.
And.
I think he should've said, "Slow and stupid wins the race.
" [English - US -SDH.]
A Martian battle station.
I don't like the looks of this.
Calling Duck Dodgers.
Come in, Duck Dodgers.
- Dodgers! - What! Oh, it's you.
I have strong reason to believe that a Martian battle station has destroyed our satellites.
And is headed for the Earth.
I'm assigning you to investigate.
Sorry, I.
Q.
, no can do.
- What do you mean, "no can do"? - I just can't handle the workload.
Take a look at the cadet.
The poor little fella doesn't even realize he's being slowly worked to death.
What are you getting at, Dodgers? I might be able to handle your stupid assignment if I had my own robot slave.
I mean, fellow crew member.
This is against my better judgment, but I'm assigning Agent Roboto to your crew.
Is it here yet? Is it here yet? Is it here yet? He's ready to come aboard.
- Wow! - Greetings, Captain Dodgers.
- It is an honor to serve you.
- Yeah, I imagine it is.
- You're here to follow my every command, right? - Yes, sir.
- My every whim? - Yes, captain.
I can get to like this.
Alphabetize my comics.
Do my laundry.
Mow the Astro turf.
- And, Roboto.
- Yes, captain? My toenails are looking really gross.
I could use a pedicure.
- Sir.
Yes, sir.
- You can drop the formal stuff.
Then, may I call you friend? Hmm.
Yeah, I guess so.
Captain Dodgers, you are Roboto's friend.
- Am I interrupting something? - Not at all! We're approaching the Martian battle station.
Excellent.
Prepare the shuttle.
Engage the disappear-oh device.
We'll slip in right under their Martian noses.
I'll just put her down right by those barrels.
Oops! Maybe it's better over-- Drat.
I'll just stop right here.
Now, follow my lead and see how it's done.
Aha! Aah! DODGERS: I could use a little help here.
Must protect friend.
CENTURION: What was that? [CENTURION BABBLING INDISTINCTLY.]
Intruders.
Protect the laser cannon.
Ha! Not so fast, Martian.
Duck Dodgers is here to destroy that fiendish weapon.
[CRASHING.]
Weapon is destroyed.
Oh, Roboto, that was spectacu.
Wonderful.
[ALARM BLARING.]
The whole place is gonna blow! Evacuate! [SCREAMING.]
But, but I usually get to blow up the battle station.
ROBOTO: Let's go, friend.
All right, everyone, look sharp.
Doctor I.
Q.
Hi will be calling any second to congratulate me on my stunning defeat of the Martians.
Nice work, cadet.
And you, Roboto.
You didn't screw things up too much.
Well, Dodgers, I'm calling to congratulate you and your crew on a mission well done.
Agent Roboto, you really distinguished yourself today.
I haven't seen moves like that since Star Johnson sent the Tarellions packing back in '32.
You're too kind, Doctor I.
Q.
But the real credit should go to my friend Captain Dodgers.
[LAUGHING.]
And you've got a sense of humor too.
Well, Roboto, good work.
You're really on the fast track to promotion.
Say, doc, before you go, I'd just like to say, I can't take all the credit myself.
I mean, I did have a little help.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
You crack me up, Dodgers.
Um, cadet, can I get a transcript of this meeting? "Roboto, Roboto, Roboto.
" Roboto? Are you kidding? That went great.
He didn't even yell at Captain Dodgers this time.
Dodgers' friend.
Friend, is it? This ship's only big enough for one friend.
So long, Roboto.
[CACKLING.]
Now all I have to do is position this rescue beacon on one of those explosive Martian space mines.
Careful.
Steady.
- Yes! - Hello, friend.
- What are you doing? - Ah, well, oh, I was just doing some stuff.
You know, Roboto, sometimes in the deepest darkness of space a cry goes out for help.
Save me! I'm lost in deepest darkness.
So we must be ever vigilant listening for a friend who is lost in space.
Hark! Did you hear that? - What? - A signal from a friend.
Will you help him? Will you help him? ROBOTO: I will help him.
I will help the friend.
Where are you friend? I cannot hear you.
Better turn the beacon on.
There.
[BEEPING.]
I hear you.
Do not lose hope, friend.
And in a moment a large explosion and it's a-dios, Roboto.
- Friend, I have rescued your friend.
- Thanks.
Not exactly what I had in mind.
[SCREAMING.]
Priceless works of art! [SINGING FRERE JACQUES.]
French orphans? Simple Amish folk? Some days you just can't get rid of a Martian space mine.
[SCREAMING.]
Perfect! Oh, my.
This is no place for a space mine.
One of those orphans might happen upon it.
There.
- You win again, Roboto.
- Good game, cadet.
That walking trashcan will never survive Operation Mother's Brooch.
Ugh.
Mother had the worst taste.
Simply drop it in the engine port.
Oops.
- Oh, Roboto! - Yes, friend.
Roboto, I'm in an awful bind.
I just did something terrible.
Roboto will help friend bury body.
No, um, I dropped something way down the engine port, my mother's brooch.
Mother? Roboto find.
Thanks.
It's a family heirloom.
What a sweet guy.
Too bad I have to destroy him.
Are you in the engine chamber, Roboto? Yes, friend.
Roboto is in the chamber.
Okay, buddy.
COMPUTER: Warning! Engines are overloading.
[HUMMING.]
COMPUTER: Engines approaching critical level.
Please test.
That should do it.
Good news, captain.
I have found your mother's brooch.
Let me pin it on you.
No thanks! Uh, it clashes with my earrings.
I insist, friend.
Keep it! I don't want it! Sell it online! [DODGERS SCREAMS.]
[THUDS.]
Captain Dodgers? We have a most dangerous situation on our hands.
A giant asteroid is heading straight for our ship.
Well, get us out of here.
[GASPS.]
CADET: I can't, sir.
The engines won't respond.
I'm afraid we're done for.
Oh, no.
- What? - The asteroid.
When that thing hits, we'll all be destroyed.
- Shouldn't we get to the shuttle.
- It wouldn't matter.
ROBOTO: Fix.
Roboto? Friend, you stay.
I go.
No following.
[GRUNTS.]
I love you.
DODGERS: I could use a pedicure.
Dodgers' friend.
I sure hope that table holds.
It is all together fitting that we join here in this place to remember our fallen comrade, Agent Roboto.
Roboto was like a brother to me.
Well, maybe not like a brother.
I mean, he never stole my girlfriend or wrecked my new Corvette.
I guess he was more like a cousin, a second cousin.
And so we bid a final farewell to Agent Roboto.
Roboto, I have and will always be your friend.
You know, Dodgers, I had a chance to poke around Roboto's remains and think his cranial capacitor is still in good shape.
Why I should have Agent Roboto back together in no time.
Oops! Cumsy me.
Oops again! Then again, it might take a little longer.
The lone duck descends in a last ditch effort to drop incendiary ordinance on an unsuspecting enemy.
Kaboom! Take that you heathen monkeys.
[KNOCKING ON GLASS.]
Hey, give some of the rest of us kids a chance.
You've been in there for 20 minutes.
There you go, junior.
Knock yourself out.
Well, doc, I really gotta hand it to you.
She's one sweet ride.
Not a bad jalopy, but nothing like the hot rods I used to race back in the 21st century.
Wow.
You were a hot rodder? Are you kidding? I practically invented racing.
Checkered flags.
Big gold trophies.
Lucrative endorsement deals with soulless mega corporations.
That was all me.
[FANFARE PLAYING ON TRUMPETS.]
Yuck.
Who invited the Martians? Introducing the supreme leader of the Martian Empire her Royal Highness, the Queen of Mars! Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present our entry for this year's competition, the Martian Maverick Six Million.
The Maverick features all the latest Martian technology and will be piloted by our undefeated grand champion who will gladly destroy any competition.
Arrogant blowhards.
Doc, let's get out of here.
Cadet, this way! Cadet? Why he's the greatest racer of this or any century.
COMMANDER: Now see here, my fine pig.
I am a six-time grand champion.
Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Sorry, Mr.
Eyeball Guy.
Coming through.
I accept Duck Dodgers' challenge and I shall obliterate him on the race course.
We'll see about that.
- Cadet, what are you trying to do? - I entered you in the race.
- I was just telling them what a great racer.
- Um.
You know, maybe I wasn't all that great.
[ALL GASP.]
- Say it ain't so.
- I'm shocked.
- Fraud.
- I thought he was a real space hero.
[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE.]
I think left the tub running.
Maybe there is no Santa Claus.
I hope you're happy.
Fear not, my people.
I will not shrink from the task set before me.
I shall be your champion and defeat the Martian horde.
Oh, Santa.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Arrogant blowhard.
[ENGINGE ROARING.]
You remember the plan, right? Aye, aye, mein capitan.
See you in the winner's circle.
- All systems activated.
- Prepare for blast-off! On your mark, get set go! [ALL CHEERING.]
Whoa! Egad! He's actually good.
What is his secret? Aha.
Chicanery, is it? We'll see about that.
CENTURION: Excuse me.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
[THUDDING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Cadet, what are you doing? Nyah, nyah.
Cheaters never prosper.
[SCREAMING.]
[ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
[DODGERS SCREAMS.]
[PANTING.]
Hey, I think I've got the hang of this.
Pleasingly volcanic! Whoa! Ouch, ouch, ouch! That was almost too easy.
[CHEERING.]
[MARTIAN QUEEN LAUGHS.]
MARTIAN QUEEN: With all due respect, cadet it looks like your duck has been cooked.
[LAUGHING.]
With all due respect, Your Highness, this race isn't over yet.
If you're all that confident, maybe you'd like to make the race a little more interesting.
You mean a wager? Is the little piggy chicken? Pardon me a moment.
- Sir.
- What is it, cadet? Could I borrow a million trillion space credits until next Wednesday.
- Here, take it out of my wallet.
- Thanks.
Gotta find a way to get out in front of the little squirt.
They may have missed something when they deactivated the weapon systems.
Bingo! Emergency flares.
Well, this is an emergency.
Oh, my! That little cheater.
Giant space bats! [SCREAMS.]
Huh? I guess I'll have to do this the old fashioned way.
Rip them off by hand.
Yuck.
They're slimy.
Salty too.
Not what I had in mind.
[GRUNTING.]
Could this get any worse? [MUFFLED MUTTERING.]
Me and my big mouth.
Salty.
Stupid rocket boots.
I've still got a chance.
Let's see what this baby can do.
A fitting end to one duck's ride on this mad, twirling merry-go-round we call life.
Well, what do you know.
Ugh! That infernal duck.
You seem vexed, my lady.
Have no fear.
Mars will win this race.
I'm glad you're so sure.
- Double or nothing.
- Oh, jeepers.
I don't know I'll throw in one hundred million of your Earth hamburgers.
- With cheese? - Deal.
All right, finish line.
Come to papa.
I think not, Earth creature.
You're not the only one with a trick up his sleeve.
What? Are you trying to tell me that little Miss Molly Martian has a cheaty trick? [LAUGHING.]
Cut it out, cue ball.
You're killing me.
Actually, that is the idea.
COMPUTER: Warning! Explosion imminent.
- Explosion? - Oh, yes.
Exploding rocket fuel makes such a lovely fireball.
What? Yes! [CROWD CHEERING.]
This just cannot be.
Ha! [SINGING.]
Dodgers is the winner That makes you the loser You know, I think I learned a valuable lesson today.
Winners never cheat.
And cheaters never win.
And a stitch in time saves nine.
And don't take any wooden nickels.
And.
I think he should've said, "Slow and stupid wins the race.
" [English - US -SDH.]