Duncanville (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Boo boo boo boo Boo boo boo boo Boo boo boo boo Boo boo boo boo Boo boo boo boo Boo boo boo boo [chuckles.]
Ooh! - Mommy! - Raaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! [groans.]
[sighs.]
I live in a Hard Rock Café.
[grunting.]
[music.]
[guitars twanging.]
Almost there, Annie, and then you can stop talking to yourself.
One, two [grunts.]
[yelling.]
Whoa oa Ooh.
[groans.]
[screams.]
[thud.]
Help! [crowd cheering.]
- Okay, ready? - Ready! [organ playing.]
- BOTH: Charge! - Help! [organ playing.]
- BOTH: Charge! - Help! - [chanting.]
- Help, help, help, help.
- [chanting.]
- Help, help, help, help.
[organ playing.]
- [both cheering.]
- Help! If we get that flag before the other team, we're in the tournament.
Wizard, work your magic.
I'll cast a leg-cramp spell to slow them down, but ya boy needs some help! [grunts.]
- Barbarian, clear a path for my spell.
- On it.
[groaning.]
[grunting.]
Die, trees! All clear.
Castle dead ahead.
- Archer, we need a wall of fire.
- Wall of fire on its way.
[grunting.]
Apprentice Baker, I need more fire.
I'm doing my best, Wolf.
We're all gonna need food soon and this damn bread won't rise.
Forget the bread.
We need fire.
Forget the bread? [scoffs.]
The bread is pivotal.
If you don't eat, you lose health points, and you'll be too dead to capture the flag.
- Excuse me, sir.
- I don't work here.
- I know.
I do.
- My condolences.
[humming.]
You're so handsome, Wolf.
You're such a good dancer, and your head makes the cutest squeaky sound.
Of course, you can dip me.
Thanks for getting my consent.
Ooh! [giggles.]
- Where's Mommy? - I don't know.
It's not like her to be late and not call.
Yeah, I'd like to order a large pizza.
- [yelling in distance.]
Jaaaack! - Mommy's home! And a salad.
Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha! - Annie, where are you? - Under the gillo-tine! - Guillotine.
- [grunts.]
Right.
Not important.
I got you.
[grunting.]
I'll get help.
Stay here.
- We've gotta save your mom's life! - Now? But I must needs prepare the victuals for breakfast ugh! [moaning.]
[screeches, pop.]
Get out! I don't care what weird thing you're doing.
- I need your help.
- Kill your own spiders.
- This is bigger than spiders.
Come.
- Ow.
Okay, I'm in the middle of a very important game, so just press "A" to blow the bellows, - and don't let my fire go out! - Okay, but I'm gonna need you to forge Dad's signature so I don't have to get a tetanus shot.
Deal.
[sighs.]
Boring, stupid, nerdy.
Trouble.
Got Orcs on my ass.
[gasps.]
That's Wolf.
- Gonna kill me.
- Not today.
[both grunting.]
There you go, honey.
So how was work? Jack, I am tired of all this crap in our garage.
Crap? Every one of these things is a precious memory from my youth that some day I'll pass down to Duncan.
- Oh, I don't want this crap.
- Maybe you're crap.
And the only reason my stuff's crammed into the garage is because you wanted to have babies, and they wanted to sleep in the house.
I'm not gonna keep living like this, Jack.
Oh.
- Mm-hmm - Quick, move over! [eerie tone.]
You were just supposed to stoke the fire.
What have you done? The team kept yelling for help, so I used the bread to lure out the friendly elves, then killed them all, then filled the ravine with their blood, made a raft to get across by binding their bones together with their own intestines, scaled the wall, and captured the flag before the other team simple.
There's a thing called rules of engagement, Kimberly.
- Sound familiar? - No, thank God.
Well, you violated every single one of them.
I mean, these elves are peaceful merchants.
They couldn't even warn the other elves because they don't have a word for murder.
Who cares? I won the game and got you in your stupid tournament.
You're welcome, nerdo.
Dude, what the hell was that last night? Yeah, sorry about that.
I Sorry? Never apologize for being a badass.
That's right.
You're the butchering baker - that got us into the tournament.
- Hm? Damn straight, I did.
Who knew you could kill people with a butter knife? Epic bloodbath.
I threw up right there at Best Buy.
Epic puke-bath.
Get ready to throw down 'cause we're taking on the toughest team in the league, the Stay at Gnome Dads.
Don't get too close.
You haven't been vaccinated against loser-itis.
[laughter.]
You literally just chaperoned our field trip.
This ain't the children's museum, bitch.
Don't you have a roast to check on? Joke's on you.
Already in the crock pot.
We're off to practice while you idiots waste your time at school.
- [laughter.]
- [toddler cackling.]
You don't scare us.
Maybe your weird baby, but not you.
That's right.
The Butchering Baker is gonna bring your sorry asses to your knees.
[whirring.]
Shoot.
I thought it would've been closed by now.
Ugh.
Jerks.
- [gasps.]
- ALL: Duncan, Duncan, Duncan.
- Uh-oh.
- ALL: Duncan, Duncan, Duncan.
- Duncan, you have my lunch.
- Okay, thanks.
Bye! - What are you celebrating? - Your brother's a beast.
His psychopathic spree got us into the tournament.
Yep, he's a total psychopath.
I think I fell in love with him last night.
[gasps.]
I'm sorry, Duncan.
It was me! He didn't do crap! - I'm the total psychopath you love! - Is this true, Duncan? Okay, Okay, I briefly abandoned my post, but I hand-picked her, and I told her exactly what to do.
Now, can we please get back to hoisting your hero? - GROUP: Kimberly! - And Duncan.
- GROUP: Kimberly, Kimberly! - And also Duncan.
Hmm.
[grunting.]
Roadies have the life, huh? Money, chicks, snakes, healthcare, pension.
Oh, my God.
Alice Cooper! - Can I get an autograph? - Sorry, man.
I don't do autographs.
I understand, Mr.
Cooper.
I'm just a stupid teenager, and you're just my hero.
[sighs.]
Hey, kid, tell you what.
It's the last show of the tour, and I'm tired of lugging this thing around.
- You want it? - For reals? But chopping your head off is the highlight of every show of every tour.
It's so unpredictable.
I know, but my wife hates me keeping it in the garage.
She says she's "tired of living with this crap.
" BOTH: [laugh.]
Women.
Could you please call my principal and yell, - "School's out for summer"? - No.
Education is very important.
- And about drugs - I know, I know.
Don't do them.
Suit yourself.
What am I doing? [yells.]
I heard a tortured scream.
Does it mean it's going well? Horrible.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Jack, you were in the Gulf War.
- But this means something to me.
- Oh, come on.
When was the last time you even looked at this stuff? I look at it every day.
Sometimes I come down at night and relive all these great shows.
I still feed the goldfish in Keith Moon's drums.
Those fish don't look so good, Jack.
They're 42 years old.
They look damn good.
All right, we caught a lucky break last night, but that was a fluke.
We've gotta get back to the basics.
The element of surprise works only once.
[yells.]
What are you doing here? You know what? I'm just gonna rip the band-aid off.
We decided to replace you with Killer K.
- What? When? - In a group text that you're not on.
[phones buzzing.]
[laughter.]
- What are you laughing at? - Nothing.
So you're kicking me off the team? The team that I built, the team that I thought about making T-shirts for.
And all that stuff I did for you.
I got you out of that tetanus shot, and because of me, you didn't have to get a tetanus shot.
Oh, and remember that time you didn't want to get a tetanus shot? - Who was there for you? - You.
But who got us into the tournament? Me.
Let me just say what they can't.
- Your game is weak.
- Oh, and you're tough? That's right, 'cause I'm something you'll never be a middle school girl.
There's no name I haven't been called, no taunt I haven't endured, no body part that hasn't been shamed.
I show no mercy, and must kill to survive.
Yeah, that's middle school.
Besides, you're still gonna be on the team, little buddy.
- Really? - Yeah.
Getting those supplies you're so good at.
Who wants a Mountain Dew? No hard feelings, Dunc.
Just playing to win.
You're still our best friend.
Now go get us some Dew.
[moans.]
I tried.
I really tried.
Please don't make me do this.
Okay, I'm sensing you're overwhelmed.
Let's start with something easy.
Um, how about this confederate flag? It's a symbol for racism and offensive to every decent human being.
I know, but Skynyrd! You can do this, honey.
I have faith in you.
- What's this old gizmo? - Oh.
Peter Frampton's Talk Box.
I stole it from his truck.
He had to cancel the rest of his tour.
Okay, we're gonna walk to the dumpster together, honey.
Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.
- I did it! - I'm so proud of you.
I'm gonna make you your favorite dinner.
You keep throwing crap out.
[Talk Box singing.]
I'm sorry, I can't do that I love my crap, here's Slash's hat [vocalizing.]
You're sick! You need help.
Can I still have spaghetti? [vocalizing.]
Yeah.
[groans.]
I'm not their stupid water boy.
And I'm gonna tell them that when I bring them these drinks.
[raccoon purrs.]
Uh, are you okay? What happened? [raccoon whistles.]
[yells.]
Does nobody believe in the rules of engagement?! [all groaning.]
Hmm? [growls.]
[chews loudly.]
- Stop chewing at me.
- What? This is how I chew.
It's how I chewed since I was born.
It's true.
My nipples were a crime scene.
[chews loudly.]
Stop it, stop it, stop it! Enough of this brouhaha.
What is all this hubbub about? All I did was be better than Duncan at the thing he loves most and take his place on the team, and now his friends like me more than him and I don't know why he's making such a big deal out of it.
I don't mess around with the stuff you love like clarinet and online bullying.
You stay out of my bullying or I swear I will dox you, swat you, and catfish you so hard, you'll believe you're in love.
[both grunting.]
Oh-oh, that's enough.
Look, Kimberly, I'm happy you found something you're good at, but I understand where Duncan's coming from.
When you take away something somebody loves, you take away their identity.
Do not turn their childish fight into our childish fight.
[phone buzzes.]
Oh, gotta go.
Yangzi hooked the team up with free hand massages - at the mall kiosk.
- Wha [groans.]
I love free hand massages at the mall kiosk.
Ooh, that sounds nice.
Bye, Kimberly.
Have fun with Dunkie's friends.
- Whose side are you on? - I'm not on anybody's side.
I'm trying to support Kimberly, console you, and make your father get his toys out of the garage! Do these look like toys to you?! Stop acting like a child, and go do your chore! Please do not emasculate me in front of my kids.
[gasps.]
Emasculated dads.
That's it! - What does masculated mean? - It means - strong.
- Hmm.
After a full day of cooking, cleaning, and kids, I'm just not in the mood.
Doesn't mean I don't love her.
I'm just ALL: Tired.
I come bearing soy lattes and a proposal.
- [hisses.]
- Easy, Jensen.
Let him smell you first.
[sniffs.]
Ahh.
- Go on.
- I want to join your team.
I want to be a Stay at Gnome Dad.
Okay, do you have a kid? None that I know of.
[laughs.]
Okay, look.
I can help you win.
I know their strategy.
Your sister doesn't have a strategy.
She's just a killing machine.
We need something to throw her off her game, - get in her head.
- Yeah, we need something to whack her in her emotional knee cap with an emotional tire iron.
- Can you do that, Duncan? - With pleazh.
[grunts.]
Gotta find something to humiliate Kimberly at the tournament, then I can stop talking to myself.
[groans.]
Whoa [laughs evil-ish.]
Is that an evil laugh? - What? No.
- Hmm.
Okay.
Welcome, video game lovers, or vlovers.
We're streaming live at the big tournament.
This is Tim from "Game Time with Tim.
" I'm Tim, and it's game time! [crowd cheering.]
They started from the bottom.
Now they're here.
You've Got Chainmail! [crowd cheering.]
I like the way this feels on my skin.
- Aren't you wearing a shirt under that? - Hell no.
Now give it up for Stay at Gnome Dads! That one doesn't look like a dad.
- What does a dad look like? - Wait a minute.
I'd know that pre-scoliosis hunch anywhere.
Hello, losers.
Ready to lose? - Oh, my God.
Bex, are you naked? - Hell yeah.
So after we kill Bex, Yangzi, and Wolf, I'll post this humiliating photo on the big screen, then while she's crying, I'll kill her.
- Beautiful.
- Nice.
I love when kids cry.
Ladies and gentlemen, this one is for all the marbles, a $50 certificate to Dave & Buster's.
[cheers and applause.]
Players ready, players set, players capture the flag! [panting.]
[yells.]
Victory or death! [groans.]
And the Barbarian is dead.
[laughs.]
- Avenge me! - Sure.
[grunting.]
You're doing it! You're the best husband I've wait a minute.
This is my stuff.
Crap is crap, honey.
Come on.
This thing was taking up a ton of room.
You mean my wedding dress? You're married.
We get it.
Quit living in the past.
And what about this creepy doll? My great grandmother made that.
It's a treasured family heirloom.
Plus, we've tried to throw it away, and it keeps reappearing.
And these pants from high school? My goal is to fit back into them some day.
They're aspirational pants.
[grunts.]
[exhales.]
[groans.]
Like a glove.
Well, then, I'm gonna wear my Slash top hat, Stevie Nicks gypsy shawl, and Bootsy Collins platforms.
Oh, where are you gonna wear those? Lots of places.
Hardware store, church, to vote.
[grunting.]
Okay, I cleaned out my junk.
Fuzzy Freddy? You can't throw him away, not after what we went through to get him.
It was Christmas Eve, and he was the last one on the shelf.
I grabbed it when suddenly this guy tries to steal it from me.
[grunting.]
So I jumped on his back, shoved Play-Doh in his eyes Smush.
Take it! Eat it! And Christmas morning, you were the happiest little girl in the world.
That's my favorite Christmas memory.
- Mine, too.
- Well, now it's trash.
Bye, Freddy! Wait! Memories are what a family is all about.
We're gonna keep Fuzzy Freddy and Slash's hat.
And this haunted doll.
It just winked at me.
You saw it, right? We are gonna keep all of our old memories, and never stop making new ones.
Duncan, Kimberly, get out here and do something memorable.
They're at the video game tournament.
Making a memory without us? Not on my watch.
Oh! Die already! Both teams have made it to the castle.
[grunting.]
I got the dads covered.
Wolf, Yangzi, kill Duncan.
- Show your face.
- I don't see him anywhere.
That's because I'm wearing my invisibility cloak.
Now you know what it feels like to be stabbed in the back through the stomach.
[both groan.]
[sigh.]
Prepare to die at the hands of a 12-year-old girl.
[dads yelling.]
Just another reason for your wives to be ashamed of you.
Now it's just down to Duncan and Kimberly.
I've never seen anything like this in the six-month history of this sport.
Time for the photo, Duncan.
Kill her reputation, then kill her character.
- Kill.
- Aww.
His first word.
Any last words? I've heard a picture is worth a hundred of them.
What are you talking about? I took a picture of your closet, Mrs.
Wolf.
[gasps.]
- Please, don't! - Why not? You deserve to feel the humiliation that I have.
- Hi, Dunker.
Hi, Kimber.
- Hey, we're here.
Somebody, explain to me what this game is.
Which one is Super Mario? - Oops, oops, oops, sorry, sorry.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
- Coming through.
- Oops, sorry, coming Coming through.
Watch your toes.
[people groaning.]
- [groans.]
- I thought we agreed - we don't invite them to things.
- I didn't say crap.
Hurry, Duncan.
Humiliate your sister.
- Okay.
- Stop, stop, stop! [yelling.]
This is how it ends.
[crowd cheering.]
[gasps.]
[shrieks.]
[crowd whistling.]
[both groaning.]
[both vocalizing.]
Oh, come on, come on, come on.
[giggles.]
[sighs.]
I can't do it.
We've both been embarrassed enough.
Someone has to end the cycle.
[audience gasps.]
[laughter.]
Oh, that's the boy that Kimberly likes.
Oh, that's the hot dog I like.
- My life is over.
- Uh, actually, that's my shrine.
Uh, I fantasize about my sister and my best friend making out, and I make collages about it.
I ship 'em so hard.
[audience groans.]
It's disturbing as hell, but I love that he's interested in art.
So that thing's in our house? That's so sick, Duncan.
You should be committed.
Putting me and Wolf together, I mean, it's not that far-fetched, but still sick.
Game's not over.
Kill me like a psychopath.
- [grunts.]
- [yells.]
[panting.]
And You've Got Chainmail wins.
The flag is theirs.
The glory is theirs.
The gift card is theirs.
This is Tim, and I have no friends my own age.
Sorry for the way we dumped you, Duncan.
But 50 bucks at Dave & Buster's, - I mean, you get it, right? - No, not really.
- Cool.
We love you, man.
- Aww.
Good game.
Sorry your brother's a perv.
Yeah, I don't know where he gets it from.
[hums.]
Aw, man.
I got mustard on my shawl.
Annie, hold my pretzel.
She passed out! Duncan, Kimberly, help me get your mother out of these pants.
Hmm.
[gasps.]
You found your wedding tux.
You look amazing, and so does our garage.
I just did a little tidying up.
- Where did all your stuff go? - Do you care? I guess I don't.
Mmm.
- You rock.
- Yes, I do.
[humming.]
She bought it! Thanks for helping me build that fake garage.
Yeah, I'm a pretty big HGTV head.
Love those Property Brothers.
So deal's a deal.
Give me my guillotine back.
Before I give it back, can you cut my head off? Ha.
Suit yourself.
So how exactly does this trick [tires screeching.]