EastSiders (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 Hey, Mom.
[SPEAKING SWISS-GERMAN.]
How's it going? Yeah no, I don't really think that the world's going to end.
Because I don't think the world's gonna end.
Yeah, I understand about the Mayans, but Yeah, no, okay.
Yeah, no, I get that.
I just don't think the Mayans were right.
I mean, I am going to an end of the world party, but Nope no date.
Sorry.
But I am going with someone.
Three months.
He's a writer.
Well, he's aspiring.
His name is Thom.
No, Thom, I'm thrilled for you.
I'm completely ecstatic.
The Paris Review, that's a big fucking deal.
Well, you don't sound very thrilled.
Why, Thom? Why wouldn't I be thrilled? Because you have this bizarre notion that this story, like everything else, is about you.
You could've maybe changed the character's name? It's fiction! In which the narrator meditates on how much he wants to cheat on his frigid shrew of a boyfriend for fifteen pages! It is a story about the natural longings and desires that every person Save it for nifty.
org, okay? The Paris Review.
Jesus Christ.
My mother is going to read this, Thom.
How's your mother gonna read this? She has a Google alert set up for you.
Really? Let's just get this thing over with, okay? We're late, so Kathy's probably already getting dressed.
Look If you don't want to go out, we don't have to.
Oh, we're going out.
With a bang.
Oh, with a bang.
[KNOCKING.]
Hey, babe.
No! Everybody always says I am late to everything, and I am not going to be late to the end of the world.
It is always sex, sex, sex with you.
All sex, all the time.
Is that what you want, sex all the time? Babe, course it is, let me in.
We've been dating for, like, six months! Am I even, like, your girlfriend? Are you my girlfriend?! I mean, I thought you were my girlfriend.
Fine, I'll be your girlfriend.
Give me 15 minutes.
(BOTH) Hey, Ian.
Hey, guys.
Where's Kathy? Gettin' dressed.
Jesus Christ.
Is she always late to everything? How does she even do that? What was that, Thom? You look great, Babe.
Are you sure it's okay to come in the back? Yeah, I do this.
like, every single day.
[SCREAMING.]
- God! - Yes! Fucking repent! I repent.
Quincy, this is Ian, my boyfriend.
- Are you the temple guard? - No, I'm not actually Mayan.
I don't know if anybody's Mayan anymore.
Something about colonization.
I want you guys to know you are not going to be human sacrifices, okay? - Appreciate that.
- Thom's an experienced martyr.
Were we supposed to dress up? - I love dressing up.
- No, this is about me! This is my moment! Me, me, me, me, me, okay? Everyone gets a pocket Bible.
One for you, and for you and for you, for you, and [SINGS.]
You're gonna love me! You understand that reference? Did you get that? So, here's the thing.
I already took the liberty of highlighting a few things out of Revelations.
These make great coasters.
They're also good for door jambs, kindling, and, of course, you can bludgeon a homosexual.
Oh, yes, okay, very cute.
Very cute hate crime.
Now, go in there and rapture your ass off! Let's go, let's go! Do you want a drink? - Whiskey, double, please.
And a PBR.
- Go! [SIGHS.]
You know the world isn't actually ending, right? My earrings are made of the Rent musical, deluxe edition.
God, why are guys so afraid of commitment? I'm not afraid of commitment.
It's our six-month anniversary.
But it's only It will be at midnight.
Whatever! It's okay, I didn't get you anything either.
I don't really care.
Are we breaking up right now? What? Thank you.
Wow.
What? Was I not supposed to drink it? Oh, right, it was just for display.
Sorry.
Can we just try to have a good time, please? How about that guy? He looks like a good time.
Go for it, sport.
- I don't want to go for it.
- Sure you do.
I read all about it in the Paris Review.
Published in the city of love.
Hey Look at me I want you.
Look at that guy; he looks pretty slutty.
He's wearing a cardigan.
Yeah, a tight one.
Where are you going? To get another drink.
[CLUB MUSIC PLAYS.]
I don't give a crap if you don't like my hat Because I know it's amazing And I don't give a poop if you don't like my hoops Because I know they're amazing I don't care if you're in my underwear Because it all feels amazing Amazing And I don't give a fuck if you think I suck Because I know I'm amazing A - amazing A, A - amazing A - amazing A, A - amazing Babe, of course I take your emotions seriously Why would you? I'm not the kind of girl that guys end up with.
I'm not that girl.
Wait, what are we talking about? Did you know I never had a real 'versary before? Not like, a real 'versary.
I mean, yes, I have dated everybody, but I've never really dated anybody, except a couple of guys in college, and then once this girl.
You dated a girl? But none of it really counted, y'know? Because I never got any 'versary presents.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Excuse me, but you have rings.
You can get them on Etsy.
I make them.
I make rings.
- She makes rings.
- How much for the shiny one? I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Do you want to go home? - Just leave me alone.
Cal! Attention ladies and ladyboys, everybody gather around! This is the Mayan reckoning; it's come upon us! Ten Can you all do that with me? Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven There you are! It's almost midnight.
I don't wanna die! - I have something for you.
- What? One! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Everybody's dead! - Oh, my God.
- No.
- Oh, my God.
- Kathy, no.
Yes! Yes! [APPLAUSE, CHEERING.]
Wooo! Cal.
I'm sorry, I'm really drunk.
Yeah Let's get you home.
No, you know what you should stay.
You can have a good time, okay? No, I can't.
Not without you.
- Don't fucking touch me! - Cal! Thom.
I didn't know you were gonna come to this.
I, um Don't you usually work on Fridays? - Yeah.
- No.
No, he doesn't.
Hey, I'm Jeremy.
Cal.
Um How do you know Thom? We used to be roommates.
Excuse me.
Cal.
I'm sorry My friend, he's really drunk.
So I gotta go.
Cal! Cal!
[SPEAKING SWISS-GERMAN.]
How's it going? Yeah no, I don't really think that the world's going to end.
Because I don't think the world's gonna end.
Yeah, I understand about the Mayans, but Yeah, no, okay.
Yeah, no, I get that.
I just don't think the Mayans were right.
I mean, I am going to an end of the world party, but Nope no date.
Sorry.
But I am going with someone.
Three months.
He's a writer.
Well, he's aspiring.
His name is Thom.
No, Thom, I'm thrilled for you.
I'm completely ecstatic.
The Paris Review, that's a big fucking deal.
Well, you don't sound very thrilled.
Why, Thom? Why wouldn't I be thrilled? Because you have this bizarre notion that this story, like everything else, is about you.
You could've maybe changed the character's name? It's fiction! In which the narrator meditates on how much he wants to cheat on his frigid shrew of a boyfriend for fifteen pages! It is a story about the natural longings and desires that every person Save it for nifty.
org, okay? The Paris Review.
Jesus Christ.
My mother is going to read this, Thom.
How's your mother gonna read this? She has a Google alert set up for you.
Really? Let's just get this thing over with, okay? We're late, so Kathy's probably already getting dressed.
Look If you don't want to go out, we don't have to.
Oh, we're going out.
With a bang.
Oh, with a bang.
[KNOCKING.]
Hey, babe.
No! Everybody always says I am late to everything, and I am not going to be late to the end of the world.
It is always sex, sex, sex with you.
All sex, all the time.
Is that what you want, sex all the time? Babe, course it is, let me in.
We've been dating for, like, six months! Am I even, like, your girlfriend? Are you my girlfriend?! I mean, I thought you were my girlfriend.
Fine, I'll be your girlfriend.
Give me 15 minutes.
(BOTH) Hey, Ian.
Hey, guys.
Where's Kathy? Gettin' dressed.
Jesus Christ.
Is she always late to everything? How does she even do that? What was that, Thom? You look great, Babe.
Are you sure it's okay to come in the back? Yeah, I do this.
like, every single day.
[SCREAMING.]
- God! - Yes! Fucking repent! I repent.
Quincy, this is Ian, my boyfriend.
- Are you the temple guard? - No, I'm not actually Mayan.
I don't know if anybody's Mayan anymore.
Something about colonization.
I want you guys to know you are not going to be human sacrifices, okay? - Appreciate that.
- Thom's an experienced martyr.
Were we supposed to dress up? - I love dressing up.
- No, this is about me! This is my moment! Me, me, me, me, me, okay? Everyone gets a pocket Bible.
One for you, and for you and for you, for you, and [SINGS.]
You're gonna love me! You understand that reference? Did you get that? So, here's the thing.
I already took the liberty of highlighting a few things out of Revelations.
These make great coasters.
They're also good for door jambs, kindling, and, of course, you can bludgeon a homosexual.
Oh, yes, okay, very cute.
Very cute hate crime.
Now, go in there and rapture your ass off! Let's go, let's go! Do you want a drink? - Whiskey, double, please.
And a PBR.
- Go! [SIGHS.]
You know the world isn't actually ending, right? My earrings are made of the Rent musical, deluxe edition.
God, why are guys so afraid of commitment? I'm not afraid of commitment.
It's our six-month anniversary.
But it's only It will be at midnight.
Whatever! It's okay, I didn't get you anything either.
I don't really care.
Are we breaking up right now? What? Thank you.
Wow.
What? Was I not supposed to drink it? Oh, right, it was just for display.
Sorry.
Can we just try to have a good time, please? How about that guy? He looks like a good time.
Go for it, sport.
- I don't want to go for it.
- Sure you do.
I read all about it in the Paris Review.
Published in the city of love.
Hey Look at me I want you.
Look at that guy; he looks pretty slutty.
He's wearing a cardigan.
Yeah, a tight one.
Where are you going? To get another drink.
[CLUB MUSIC PLAYS.]
I don't give a crap if you don't like my hat Because I know it's amazing And I don't give a poop if you don't like my hoops Because I know they're amazing I don't care if you're in my underwear Because it all feels amazing Amazing And I don't give a fuck if you think I suck Because I know I'm amazing A - amazing A, A - amazing A - amazing A, A - amazing Babe, of course I take your emotions seriously Why would you? I'm not the kind of girl that guys end up with.
I'm not that girl.
Wait, what are we talking about? Did you know I never had a real 'versary before? Not like, a real 'versary.
I mean, yes, I have dated everybody, but I've never really dated anybody, except a couple of guys in college, and then once this girl.
You dated a girl? But none of it really counted, y'know? Because I never got any 'versary presents.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Excuse me, but you have rings.
You can get them on Etsy.
I make them.
I make rings.
- She makes rings.
- How much for the shiny one? I think I'm gonna be sick.
- Do you want to go home? - Just leave me alone.
Cal! Attention ladies and ladyboys, everybody gather around! This is the Mayan reckoning; it's come upon us! Ten Can you all do that with me? Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven There you are! It's almost midnight.
I don't wanna die! - I have something for you.
- What? One! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Everybody's dead! - Oh, my God.
- No.
- Oh, my God.
- Kathy, no.
Yes! Yes! [APPLAUSE, CHEERING.]
Wooo! Cal.
I'm sorry, I'm really drunk.
Yeah Let's get you home.
No, you know what you should stay.
You can have a good time, okay? No, I can't.
Not without you.
- Don't fucking touch me! - Cal! Thom.
I didn't know you were gonna come to this.
I, um Don't you usually work on Fridays? - Yeah.
- No.
No, he doesn't.
Hey, I'm Jeremy.
Cal.
Um How do you know Thom? We used to be roommates.
Excuse me.
Cal.
I'm sorry My friend, he's really drunk.
So I gotta go.
Cal! Cal!