Edge of Heaven (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Just pick your suitcase up and put your T-shirt on We've got a train to catch So boy, come on, don't be long Sun's up so head down I'll meet you at the harbour on the Margate town Happy hour starts at seven I'm loving life at the Edge of Heaven Happy hour starts at seven I'm loving living at the Edge of Heaven Do-be-do Do-be-do do-do Do-be-do Do-be-do do-do Do-be-do Do-be-do do-do-do Do-be-do Do-be-do do-do-do Do-be-do Do-be-do do-do Do-be-do Do-be-do do-do Do-be-do Do-be-do do-do-do Do-be-do Do-be-do do-do-do Are you decent? Course.
You do know that sleeping in is the first sign of the depressions, don't you? It's my day off, mum, give me a break.
I'm just saying, cos today is the day that Carly's back from Ibiza.
Really? I didn't know that.
It's funny that cos you've had it ringed on your calendar for two weeks.
You must be feeling rotten, flower.
I mean, it's got to bring back all that upset, hasn't it? Sinceshe Dumped me at the altar, broke my heart and stamped on it till it crushed into 1,000 tiny pieces and then stamped on it again.
You are depressed, aren't you? Do you want some of my Temazepam? I had it for flying but it's a lovely pick-me-up when I've got the moody blues.
No, I'm fine, all right? In fact, I'm on top of the world.
I'm better than ever.
This is a new start for me.
I am over Carly and I'm gonna make sure that everyone knows it.
How? Alf, you really don't have to do this, mate.
What? I was looking for Pat of Pat's Tats.
I'm Pat.
Pat's a girl's name.
I mean, er it's just that my Auntie Pat is called Pat.
Auntie Pat.
Do I look like your Auntie Pat? No.
No, she's big built.
Erm I was hoping to get this removed.
ALCY? It was supposed to have Alfie and Carly.
You know, like Brangelina.
Anyway, we split up.
I don't do laser removal.
Hand's not steady enough after Basra.
I could turn it into something else, though.
What, like a magician? Is he staying? No, I think Alfie's hiding his feelings.
A mother can tell these things.
How? I don't know.
I'm just reading the signs, aren't I, Mum? He's tetchy, he's tired and he hasn't even brought one girl back for a bit of rebound argy-bargy.
Judith.
Jude, man.
It's true.
I think he's still obsessed with Carly, personally.
We've got to do something about it.
Distract him, that works.
Remember when Mo first moved in with us and she had her cataract done? Gary read to her every single day to take her mind off it.
Anne Frank.
Pain in my eye was more fun.
Mum, have you seen the boppers with the big willies on? -No.
I bet the bloody cleaner's moved them again.
Hardly, she's been deported.
- Ooh.
No.
The lovely foreign girl? Yeah, Ludwika.
How was I supposed to know she was illegal? She couldn't speak a word of English and I can't clean this place myself, I've got French tips.
Right, that's the breakfast done.
Are you all set for our day out, pet? Dayout? -We're going on our monthly play-date.
Oh.
I wish Gary and me could take time out for each other like you.
You really should, Gary, it's like a shot in the arm.
We have a laugh, we de-stress.
Doeswonders for the bedroom.
Judith.
Mother.
It does.
You see, Tan gets very set in his ways romantically and it really helps to jolt him out of it.
I can imagine.
I am actually stood here.
So who's surprising who this month, then? Me.
I've picked a stunning place.
We are gonna have so much fun, baby.
Great stuff.
Foundthem.
Oh, gosh.
I always thought that, like I was Becks and she was Posh, you know, proper fairytale stuff.
We'd have the big wedding, then we'd have the kids, then we'd grow really old together like 40.
And what happened, mate? She cheated.
Broke my heart.
Look, son, I understand that, I do, but getting rid of this tattoo isn't gonna get rid of those feelings.
They're more than skin deep.
I know.
Closure comes from within.
You're right, Pat.
You are so right.
I still want it done, though, mind.
Er will this one cover it? We're gonna need a bigger needle.
Are you squeamish about spikes? No.
Feeling better? Yeah, I've never fainted before.
No, except when your Uncle Gary boiled that lobster.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, and when we had sex education in school and you found out - Yes, thank you.
So did you and Carly enjoy your holiday? Yeah, under the circumstances.
What? You going on Alfie's honeymoon instead of him? Sorry, I over-shared.
Must have been the needle.
So who's this Fozzy Bear bloke, then? How do you know about him? Carly's Facebook.
There are three sets of photos on there and a video.
Blimey, you did over-share.
Look, I don't think it's anything serious.
Carly and Fozzy just hit it off in Ibiza cos she found out he was from Minster.
And since we got back, he's been poking her all week .
.
on Facebook.
Shedidn't waste any time, did she? I suppose not.
Well, neither did I.
Youwhat? Didn't you know? I've started seeing someone.
We met while she was away.
Great.
I hope you're sitting down.
Actually, I'm buffing Bananarama.
Youwhat? -Judith lost her cleaner so I said I'd help.
For a bit of pin money, like.
Oh, right.
Well, never mind that, you are not going to believe what's just happened to me.
It's amazing.
I wouldn't go in there for a while.
Shush, it's Gary.
He's got amazing news, apparently.
Is it the lottery? It's the lottery, isn't it? I bet it is.
Can I have a stairlift? No, an actual lift.
He's been voted employee of the month at Megaband Broadband.
They've given him a golden headset.
Is it made of gold? I don't think so.
It's not made of gold, is it, Gaz? Of course it's not made of gold.
No, I Why would it be made of gold? Right, me and Tan are getting off in a minute.
How does that look? Wonky.
Excuse me, my husband and me were wanting to book a boat trip.
Oh, don't look at me, Mrs Reed, my daughter is in full control of this establishment fromtodayuntilMonday.
Yeah, it's a hen bender weekender, Joyce, hence the willies.
I'm sorry? We've got a hen party coming, poppet! She's a bit deaf.
I can't be doing with them but Ann-Marie copes tremendously on account of her military background.
Yeah, we've had a truckload of reviews in from TripAdvisor calling us the best hen party hosts in the south east so excuse me while I Oh there it is.
She's mad for it, Mrs Reed.
She takes them out clubbing, she gets them bladdered, plays games.
My jagermeister twister is the bomb.
Are they likely to be rowdy, then? God, yeah.
But it's all in good fun.
Yes, they're from Wigan.
Oh, true.
I've still got bloodstains in the Sunita suite after that last lot from Wigan.
Come on, then, princess, where are you taking me? Day spa, West End, fine dining? None of the above.
I am whisking you, Mr Chatterjee, off for a fan-tapi-licious day at Fully's funfair! Ooh! Fully's what? The amusement park up the coast.
Great.
Here Come the Girls Show time, ladies.
Let's have it.
Hello.
I'm Helen Simmons.
We're here for my hen weekend.
Shall we go through? Sorry.
Gary, take a look at this one, four million hits.
It's only a bridesmaid falling arse over tip and it's hysterical.
I'm actually working, Mo.
Well, you can stop that for a start.
All right, Gary? Where's your sparkly headset, then? Don't be rude.
Employee of the month is nothing to be sniffed at, mother, which is why I've invited Sheila over tonight for drinks and a bite to eat, as a thank you.
Sheila? My H-O-D.
His Head of Department.
The dwarf.
Oh.
She's just short, Gary.
I thought we could have that dish with the chicken and the Spanish onion.
My Spanish onion chicken.
I thought we agreed to call it L'oignon Espagnol.
I just want to make a good impression, you know.
Now put that whatever that is, down, get home and start cooking.
Yes, sir.
Everything OK, Ann-Marie? I don't know, ask me in 24 hours.
Carly, I've got some news.
Me first.
Fozzy just messaged me a love heart and a teddy bear.
Right, I-And then a teddy bear holding a love heart.
How much does he like me? A lot.
Look, I've just seen Alfie - He's tagged me in every single photo we took in Ibiza.
I look amazing doing them sambuca shots, don't I? It's a pity you've got one eye closed.
Alfie's seeing someone, too.
I just thought you should know.
Really? Good for him.
Who is she? I have absolutely no idea.
So why did you tell Michelle you're dating someone, then? I didn't want to look like a loser.
And you thought having an imaginary girlfriend would make you look less like a loser? This isn't funny.
I need a date.
Don't sweat it, I'll sort you one.
No, thanks, I need someone human at least.
My sister will go out with you.
-Your sister is married with three kids.
That's never stopped her before.
I'm so screwed.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, this is amazing, isn't it, Tan? I feel like a kid in a sweet shop, I don't know what to do next, do you? How about the arcades? Oh, boring.
Scenic railway? Tandeep, are you 39 or 89? I feel the need for speed! Come on! Let's go on this one.
I don't think so, love.
Oh, please, it will be fun.
I'm not going on the ride, OK? - Are you scared? Am I buggery, it's just What? Well, it's just this is not what I call a good play-date, Jude.
I've taken you to Mamma Mia, Madame Tussauds, the London Eye .
.
and I get some crappy kids amusement park down the road from the B&B.
Cheers.
You ungrateful little bastard! No.
Sorry.
Here we are.
I hope you're famished, I've done enough to feed an army.
Lovely.
You all right there, Sheila, do you want a cushion? A bit of a boost? Gary.
I'm fine, thanks.
Ooh.
Nice.
Spring onion duck.
Spanish onion chicken.
L'oignon Espagnol.
Well, it looks delicious.
I assure you it is, Sheila.
I'll have a banana and some more of that sherry.
It's not sherry, it's wine, mother.
Sheila made it herself.
With her bush.
My gooseberry bush.
Oh.
In her back patch.
It's just a yard, really, I was telling Gary earlier.
Thanks for coming tonight, Sheila.
I just wanted to say a huge merci for making me employee of the month.
I really think this could be a key turning point in my career - What do you do, Gary? Gary doesn't actually - I've just started cleaning professionally, actually, Sheila.
Sheila doesn't want to know.
Really? How interesting.
See, it's a glove but also a mop.
Hence the name.
Glop, yes, you have already said.
Three times.
I don't know what you're feeding your bush, Shirley Sheila but this stuff's got a bloody good kick to it.
Thank you, Maureen.
What people don't understand, Sheila, is because you've got a glove and a mop, you've got infinite cleaning possibilities.
-Oh, God.
Hm, hm, hm.
- Mother.
- Chill out, Gary.
You sodding chill out.
Actually, don't.
Well, no more than you already have.
See that, Sheila, how mega? Mega, Gary, really cuts through the grease.
Actually, Sheila, I've heard on the broadband grapevine there's a few senior sales positions - Let's not talk shop, Gary.
I haven't had chance to chat to your mum yet.
My first husband was very small.
Was that Gary's dad? Oh, no, I never knew him, sausage.
I had a lot of gin fizz that night and it was very dark or he was very dark.
I can never remember which.
Very quiet, aren't they? I think they're disappointed, to be honest.
They were booked in the Ramblers Hostel near Broadstairs but their travel company let them down, apparently.
Shouldn't you be on your boat trip? What is going on with them hens, Ann-Marie? I spoke to the one with the moustache earlier and she said they were going to Ramsgate later on foot.
It's their hen do, I can't tell them what to do, can I? Yes, you can.
They've not asked for any complimentary Buck's Fizz this morning, not one party popper's been popped in their rooms.
It's obvious they're having a dreadful time.
Really? Really.
You've got a reputation to uphold.
One sniff of this on TripAdvisor and that's your best hen host status down the gully, madam.
Good morning.
Is it? She's in a fud cos she had to get up to pee three times during the night.
I told you not to drink all that homemade wine Sheila brought.
Fire water.
Talking of Sheila - Don't start now, Gar.
I know last night didn't go off like you hoped but she can take us as she finds us.
I was going to say Sheila just called to say she had a wonderful time last night.
She even bought a glop.
No.
Yes, and because I bagged employee of the month, she suggested the company magazine do an article on me.
Ooh.
Is there a paper version? No, it's an online magazine.
We could print it out.
That's not the point.
This e-zine goes to all the top brass of Megaband Broadband.
It's a huge opportunity for me to make a good impression on all my bosses.
Got you.
Right.
The journalist is sending me a load of questions to answer before we meet on Friday so I thought you and I could go through them today.
I don't no anything about broadband.
No, you don't understand.
It's a personality piece so I need - Personality.
A bit of colour.
Sorry, Gar, I promised Jude I'd go and clean at the B&B again today.
It's a bit of independence, isn't it? At 5.
75 an hour.
You know what I mean.
Your mam will help you, anyway, won't you, Mo? Course, I'm very media savvy when I want to be.
I'll need another pee first, mind.
Now, this, ladies and ladettes, is the Ann-Marie Taylor-Chatterjee hen bender weekender special.
It's called the hen trail, yeah? 16 pubs all over Margate will give you a free beer, cider or chardonnay if you tell them you're on one of my hen crawls.
Now, what do you reckon? Wonderful.
My map isn't half as detailed as this one.
Now, I think if we cut across by the North Foreland golf course, we could be in Broadstairs by lunchtime and then onto Ramsgate by 1700 hours.
- Yep, good call, everyone? - Yeah.
Yeah, but the pubs I've marked up there are in Margate.
Oh, thank you, Ann-Marie, but I don't think we'll be imbibing anything stronger than spring water today.
Too much rambling to do.
Thank you.
Cheers.
You liar.
It's true, I swear, Uncle Gary.
What'strue? Carly's seeing someone called Fozzy Bear so now Alfie's got to find an imaginary girlfriend.
I panicked and told Michelle I was seeing someone, as well.
She's bound to tell Carly, isn't she? Bound to.
I don't know what to do, Mum, I've tried everything.
I can't just magic a girl out of thin air.
Do you know what I'd do? If Michelle mentions it again, say it didn't work out and you've broken up now.
Yeah, you should say that.
Or that she's a model and she's always away on photoshoots in the Maldives.
They're always in the Maldives, aren't they? Usually with Simon Cowell driving a jet ski.
'Ey? What will Carly think otherwise? He can't send out a message that yet another relationship of his has failed.
That's demeaning.
You've got to work on it with this girl, poppet.
That is true.
You only get out what you put in like the hokey cokey.
She doesn't exist, people.
Exactly.
So why did you say she did in the first place? Because he's human, Tandeep.
He makes mistakes, we all do.
Not everyone's as bloody perfect as you all the time.
Ooh.
Am I missing something? No, she's just - Time of the month.
No, she's -On the change.
Oh, my God, she's very young for that.
Mind you, my nana - It's not the change, all right? She's just a bit tetchy with me.
It will all blow over soon I hope.
Oh, nuts, it's Carly.
She wants me to come over to the salon.
Shit.
What if she wants to get back together and I said I'm dating someone else now? I doubt it, Alf.
- Not now she's seeing Yogi Bear.
- Fozzy Bear.
Beg your pardon, Fozzy.
Alfie.
Relax, Shell, I asked him over.
You look well.
Thanks, babe, so do you.
So did you wanna talk or? Oh, no.
I just thought we could go through the wedding presents together, there's so much stuff to send back.
Yeah, course.
Do you wanna bring them out from the back? My mum dropped everything off this afternoon.
OK.
Cool.
Are you gonna be long? I booked the sun shower at five so I need to get changed now.
Erm sorry, Tine.
I Will Always Love You Knock, knock.
Who's there? Well, just me, really.
Look, Jude, I know it's none of my beeswax but I'm just gonna put it out there, It's like my Auntie Jackie does say, if there's trouble on the boat, you'd best nip it in the bud before someone drops anchor.
I don't follow.
You and Tandeep.
Oh, don't talk to me about him.
He ruined a perfectly good play-date at Folly's fun fair yesterday, just cos it wasn't up to his usual high-flying standards.
Stormed off and everything.
No.
It's true.
Didn't say a word in the car on the way home and not a snifter of argy-bargy in the bedroom last night.
Now, that is not like you two.
I know.
I don't know what went wrong.
We were having a lovely time and then I suggested we go on the water shoot and he had a ding-dong and went walkabout.
The water shoot.
- Hm.
- What about the water shoot? Well, nothing, really.
I mean nothing.
Gary, tell me.
Tell me now.
It's not my place to say, Jude, but I do know long before you, Tandeep had a bit of a fling with Claire Collins who works on the water shoot.
- That little twinky of a blonde? Yeah, she's gorgeous, isn't she? Stunning.
I suppose.
Do you think he still likes her? Don't be a banana, man, as if.
But she's only 26 so he's probably just conscious of you being so much older than him.
I know I was with Gary.
My last fella Kim-Jong was the same age as me and it took a lot of courage to take Gary up Bangkok Alley.
That's where Kim works.
Oh, someone knows you too well, Carly.
Wine glasses again.
Same.
What about you, Alf? Another Delia.
What's this supposed to be? - A Welsh love spoon.
Romantic, isn't it? - If you're Welsh.
What? It's not even straight.
Maybe you should give it to your new girlfriend, Alfie.
Funny.
I'm serious.
I don't see why we should waste good money sending all this stuff back, anyway.
It'd be easier to put it on eBay.
I got a decent price for my wedding dress on there.
You sold your wedding dress? Already? When? You've been on our honeymoon for the last two weeks.
Don't go taking offence, Alf.
I was being practical.
I did it on my mobile while I was in Ibiza.
Yeah, amongst other things.
What's that supposed to mean? You're a fast mover, that's what.
So are you by the sounds of it.
Is that what she dragged me down here for? To have a pop at me? She is unbelievable.
She's got a point.
No, shedoesn't.
You've both moved pretty sharpish as far as I can see.
I bloody haven't.
Alf? There isn't anyone, OK? I made it up cos I didn't want to look like a bigger loser than I already am.
There's nobody else.
Nobody wants me.
You-Don't tell Carly what I just told you.
I need some time to work something out.
Christ, I'm sweating like a turkey cock on Christmas morning in there.
It's brilliant.
Mother.
Sorry.
Right, next question.
What initially drew you to the telecommunications industry? The pay, flexi hours, the fact that my degree in Sociology is of absolutely no use in the real world.
Edinburgh.
What? Say you were living there and you found out that the bloke who invented the blower what's his name? Alexander Graham Bell.
Was born nearby.
Very good copy.
Good copy? Will you listen to her? It's also an outright lie.
It's more interesting than what you've got down so far, isn't it? Who's gonna care that you collect rare tea urns? Some of them can be very ornate, actually.
You see, this is why I need Gary here, he always thinks of something funny and fresh to say.
Albeit, politically incorrect and borderline xenophobic but it's always lively, you know.
This is genius.
The creator of the phone inspired me to work in telecommunications.
I mean, talk about brownie points with your boss and that dwarf loves a good story.
She bored me titless with them last night.
Sheila is just short.
Oh, I don't know, it does sound good, though, doesn't it? I've never even been to Scotland.
They don't know that, do they? All right, Joyce? Did you enjoy the boat trip? Oh, it was very choppy.
I had to wring my knickers out on the Harbour Arm.
Sounds like my kind of trip.
At least we're not as mucky as that lot, 'ey? All right, girls? That cross-country rambling doesn't half take it out of you, doesn't it? Affirmative.
How about a nice night in? You can have a lovely bath, put your gladrags on, I'll get Tan to do us bit of finger food and some karaoke.
Sounds storming, Ann-Marie.
Oh, yes.
But an early night for us, I'm afraid.
We've got an 0600 start in the AM.
We're going foraging for edible fungi in the Pegwell Country Park.
Oh, no way.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
Great.
Nutballs.
All right? What's with the mardy face? Someone dump you at the altar again? Too soon, Ann-Marie.
Too soon.
He's very tender at the moment, aren't you, poppet? He's having girlfriend trouble.
He hasn't got a girlfriend.
That's the trouble.
Right, well, thank you for the tea.
I think I'll just go and suck on an exhaust pipe, shall I? Don't use my Kawasaki, she hasn't got enough juice in her as it is.
I'm so worried about Alfie.
I can't think of anything else.
Does this look like the face of a 47-year-old woman to you? No, cos I'm 28, Mother.
Not you, me.
Ooh, you wish you were 47.
Shush, someone might hear.
Who? I don't know Tandeep.
What, you husband? So what? So I think he's embarrassed about how old I am compared to him.
He wouldn't go on the water shoot with me this week cos his old young girlfriend was working in the ticket booth.
Did he actually say that? No, but I know it's true.
Camp Gary said so.
I don't know what to do.
I'm at my pits end, honest to God, I am.
Yeah, well, you're in the same boat as me with them sodding ends, then.
I'm used to girls who like boogying and boozing.
I'm lost with that lot.
They're into nature.
Ann-Marie Osmond Taylor-Chatterjee, did you or did you not serve two tours of duty in the Helmands Province? No, it was the Helmand Province.
That's what I said.
And you think you don't have anything to offer to a bunch of hairy-faced ramblers? Crikey, they'd kill for some of your insider army knowledge.
It's true.
Do you know what, Mum? I think you might be right.
I am right.
I'm always right ish.
Oh, yeah? So why aren't you sorting out your own problem, then? Come on, Mum, where's that Judith Elizabeth Taylor-Chatterjee we all know and love? The woman who's not afraid to confront anyone over anything? Now, that, girls and gargoyles, is the best way to start a blaze with just a spindle and a bow, which obviously fires up your man-made spit roast for dinner and then after you've had a bite to eat, you can kick back and relax in your camouflaged cubby hole for the night.
That's all well and good, Ann-Marie, but where would you get the food from to cook out here? We can hardly drag it all the way back from Waitrose, can we? On it.
Barbecue squirrel, anyone? Wow.
God, I'm good.
Allright, babe? More than all right, Mum, it totes worked.
How about you? Have you said anything to Tan yet? No, I thought I'd best go to the horse's mouth first.
Can you read that? Handfield Road.
Nope, never heard of it.
Oi, Postman Fat, you're distracting my staff.
Out.
Who's that? New boss.
He's an idiot.
Sorry, mate, you're on your own.
Get up here, we've got a rush on recliners.
Love my job.
It's like a bouncy castle.
Here, Alf, found you a bird for tomorrow night.
No, thanks.
Canlhelpanyone? I'd like that recliner in chestnut brown ifpossible.
Anything is possible at Sofa Universe, madam.
Though, it may have to be in green, sorry.
Well, you remember my cousin Lisa's best friend Karen? Notinterested.
Hang about, Karen with the massive Yeah.
Not her.
See, she's friends with Julie Carter who we used to go to school with and Julie's well up for it.
Will I still get the discount if I go with the green? Of course, madam.
Are you mad? Julie with the uni-brow Carter? Juni-brow Carter? I can't go from Carly to her, talk about a downgrade.
Why haven't you got it in the chestnut brown? Take a wild guess, love.
Relax, mate, Julie's different now.
She's been away, got a degree, travelled the world Tenerife and most importantly, she's plucked.
I said no, I meant no.
Have a look if you don't believe me.
Go on, then, I'll take it.
So will I.
It's grown loads, hasn't it? Gorgeous.
Good news? You could say that.
Yo-yo, sweet potato.
What's up, fry up? What's all this about, then? I don't know, I suppose I realised the best way to show Carly I don't care about her and Fozzy Bear is to go out and get my own Fozzy Bear.
Oh.
Not like that, exactly but I get it.
I know it's a little bit awkward but I'm really chuffed - All right, Shell? You up for it, then? Up for what? Double date tomorrow night.
Donk's already sorted a bird out for me but if you go with Donk, then on Saturday you can tell Carly all the gory details in the salon.
If that's all right, I don't want to -No, that's fine.
Who'sthisgirl, then? Julie, you know, Julie Carter from school.
What? Juni-brow? Yes, yeah, but she has changed a bit since then.
Thirsty? I thought you were in a mood with me.
What can I say? Some things are more important.
Thanks for being so forgiving, love, I never meant to spoil things the other day.
Oh, I don't forgive you, it's just that I know what it's all about now so I understand.
Come again? You see, at first, I thought it was cos you didn't want your ex Claire Collins on the water shoot to see you'd ended up with an older woman.
Are you nuts? You're only 45.
That's why I went down Follies and tackled her on it.
You did what? Claire told me the real reason you wouldn't go on the water shoot is cos you're terrified of it, you big wimp.
You even had a panic attack on the ferris wheel when you were seeing her and she had to talk you down, literally.
Yeah, yeah, hilarious.
It's actually a medical condition, you know.
Right.
Scaredy-bastard-itus I don't know why you didn't just say something, Tan.
Because I didn't want you thinking less of me, Jude.
You're always saying how Alfie and Ann-Marie's dads were wimps but I'm your knight in shining armour.
It's a lot to live up to.
Oh, babe, you know I wouldn't think anything less of you.
Yeah, it's just something I've always struggled with.
I can't even go on the dodgems or the horsey thing that goes round and round or even a teacup ride.
All right, enough, now you do sound like a wimp.
Oh, yes, I'm really looking forward to meeting the e-zine reporter later today.
I think she'll find I've got a lot of good copy for the article.
You might as well say hello to her now, she's right there.
Hi, Mary.
Sheila Small.
We spoke on the phone.
Hi.
I recognise you from your piccie online.
This is Gary Taylor, the employee of the month you'll be interviewing this evening.
Hi, Gary, thanks for forwarding all that stuff across.
It's such a faff but it really does help.
I can't believe you lived on South Charlotte Street in the 'Burgh.
Me, too! Oh, really? What a lovely coincidence.
So? Very smart.
Smart? Smart? He looks good enough to eat.
That Julie is the luckiest girl alive to be going out on a date with you tonight, my boy.
I'm telling you, I'd be all over you if I was 15 years younger.
And not my mother.
Here, Tan, get us another round of cuppa soups, those hens are necking it back like babes on a teat.
That's what a day in the woods will do to you.
No bother.
So, ready for your date with Hairy Mary, then? Shut up.
Right, I'd better get going.
Wishmeluck.
Yeah, well, enjoy it, bruv, you deserve.
You got protection? Mother.
Mum! What? He might get lucky if he's lucky.
Independent Women All right, Gar? No, I am not.
What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong.
My mother, Margate's answer to Piers sodding Morgan has stitched me up, that's what.
Problem? It's the article, I think.
Did she do a hatchet job? Did she do a hatchet job cos Mo gave you a lot of good copy, didn't she? Enough with the newspaper speak.
We're not in Press Gang.
I haven't even done the bloody interview yet.
But Mary the interviewer is from Edinburgh.
Talk about English lamb to the slaughter.
Gary, don't go blaming your mum.
I'm not.
This is all your fault for leaving me high and dry to go cleaning for my bloody sister.
Oh, my God.
My top lip is sweating.
You know what that means, it means I'm not coping.
Just breathe through it, babe, OK? One, two, three I've got to go.
Gary? Mary's ready for you.
Great.
You've got something on your All right? Not late, am I? No, we're well early, mate.
Shell wasn't even ready when I picked her up, were you? Nope.
Any sign of Julie? Here she is now.
All right, Alf.
Oh, my life, you've changed a bit since school, not like Donk, I barely recognised him.
Hi, Shell! Oh, have they got cocktails? I love cocktails.
I mean, cosmo is just so, like, cosmopolitan.
I don't remember her sounding like that, do you? I think the eyebrows distracted from it back then.
It's fun, isn't it? 'This is Gary Taylor.
Do feel at liberty to leave a message after the tone.
' Voicemail again.
That's not like Gary to not pick up.
That interview wouldn't have taken half an hour.
I'm getting worried now.
And me.
Shall we open another bottle? Calm my nerves.
I'm sure he's absolutely fine.
Yeah, course.
Unless he's chucked himself off the Harbour Arm.
Ann-Marie! He does take things to heart.
Mo! I'm just saying.
He's been like that since he was a kid.
He still hasn't forgiven me for making him take part in the Margate play as Peter Pan in 1979.
- He was a lovely Tinkerbell.
- Aw.
And then Karen said Lisa said that Donk was needing a favour and I said I would do anything for Donk.
Even go on a date with me? Exactly.
I mean, who wouldn't do something for Donk? Ooh, blimey, someone's been on the protein shakes.
He's so solid.
Feel that, Shell.
I'm all right, thanks.
Salad's for me, please.
Yep, zero calories.
I've got zumba in the morning.
Feel my thigh, Donk.
Taut, isn't it? Like a drum skin.
Try my dressing.
It's sweet but also sharp.
You know, like Branston.
I'm gonna get some drinks in.
Yeah, I need the loo.
Spanner, what are you doing here? I felt left out, didn't I? Are you enjoying your night? Not really.
Can I come over, then? No.
Carly.
Oh, hiya, you all right? This is Alfie.
Alf, this is - Yeah, I know who he is.
Fozzy Bear.
Doesn't even look like him.
No, I never have.
I just do the voice.
Shutup.
Alfie! And you shut up.
Steady on, mate.
Shut up.
You're unbelievable, do you know that? Bringing him here of all the places you could have gone.
Nandos, Pizza Hut - - TGI Fridays.
- Shut up! I don't think that matters.
You're on a date.
Yeah, to make you jealous.
What? You heard.
I didn't even have a date until yesterday, I just lied cos I saw you online snogging this muppet.
Are you gonna let him call me that? Your nickname is Fozzy Bear.
Look, Alf, I'm sorry I came here, but I just wanted to see who you were meeting.
So maybe I am a bit jealous.
Really? That doesn't mean I want to get back together.
I was just being nosey, that's all.
Besides, I'm seeing other people now, OK? Sorry, how many other people? I can't do this.
Alfie, please don't be mad at me.
I really do want you to be happy.
In fact, I hope your date's going brilliantly tonight.
How's it going, by the way? Just leave it, yeah? Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
Now can I join you? Give me a kiss or two For I'm in love with - All together now.
- You I will wait Yeah! Gary.
Gary, thank God you're back, we've been so worried, babe.
Hm, it looks like it.
Come on, then, why are you so late, man? Yeah, how did it go? Well, if you must know it went amazingly! Me and Mary got on like a bonfire, she swallowed everything I told her.
Sheila was dead impressed.
So much so, she took me out for a celebratory drink afterwards.
- Who's Sheila? - The dwarf.
Gary.
Short, she's just Very short.
Tiny.
Anyway, while we were having the drink, Sheila told me she was thinking of me for one of the senior sales positions! That's amazing! Alfie, you're home early, is everything all right? I can't.
Shell, tell him! Tell him yourself.
All right? Erm I think it's time I finished what I started.
Two black pudding breakfasts and two toasts, Tan.
I think we have the pudding but we're out of toast, I'm afraid.
Them hens are like gannets.
I've asked Gary and Gary to bring some bread on the way over.
Go and tell Mrs Reed and Darth Vader they'll just have to wait for a bit.
Oh, actually, you're all right, they're here.
Morning, all.
Did I leave my crossword here last night? One loaf as requested.
Cheers, Gar Who's that for? The borrowers? It's an artisan bread, Judith, Nordic rye.
£2.
75! Did they fly it in from Norway this morning? Club class? Give it here, I'm sure I can make it go round.
Yeah, you and Jesus.
Judith.
Any news on Alfie, then? Why was he so upset last night? No idea, Gary.
He hasn't even come out of his room and we haven't seen hide nor hair of him this morning.
That's not strictly true, he - I'm determined to find out what was wrong today if he ever gets out of that bed.
Ann-Marie, go and get him up.
He's already up, that's what I've been trying to tell you.
He left over an hour ago.
Where did he go? Are you gonna faint on me again? Funny.
No more dragons this time, I take it? No, I think we're gonna go for something more subtle.
That you are.
I'll go and get some ink.
Cheers for coming to hold my hand.
Any time.
And I'm really sorry about last night.
Do you remember that day a couple of years back when you filmed me and Carly on the beach? Just over by the huts.
Oh, yeah.
That was a good day, wasn't it? Me and her were happy then? Sort of.
Except Carly hated that you got her skinny jeans wet and went home in a huff.
Then me and you got ice creams and went to the arcades.
Oh, yeah! That was brilliant.
We always have a good time together, don't we, Shell? Yeah, we really do.
We're good together.
Have you only just worked that out? Now, that is closure.
They do know it's a no star '80s theme B&B, don't they? Shut up.
This is Edge of Heaven, not Downton.
Oliver Twist? My cousin Shaznay was in that.
Who did she play? Annie.
Let's get this party started! Maureen, put your top back on! And you, Sylvia.
No! He's a bit of a slag, obviously.
He's always getting rat-arsed and fighting.
He sounds perfect.
Do you wanna buy me a drink?