English Teacher (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Oh! [grunts]
[students] Mr. Marquez,
Mr. Marquez, Mr. Marquez.
Excuse me. What? What
- Whoa.
- What What's going on?
- We need your help right now.
- With Powderpuff.
Powderpuff? What's Powderpuff?
You know, when the girls play football,
and then the football players
dress as cheerleaders.
- Oh, that. Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, I don't know anything
about football.
- Hold on.
- Mr. Marquez.
Nobody is mad about
the girls playing football.
They're mad about us
dressing up as cheerleaders.
And why are you guys coming to me?
'Cause I'm gay?
Sweet of you guys,
but I don't wanna be on the news
as the gay guy fighting for young men's
rights to dress up like girls.
Come on, Mr. Marquez.
This is our senior year.
It's the most things we look forward to.
It's the most things you look forward to?
Jason, the grammar.
It's the thing
you look forward to the most.
Wow. Yeah, that is what I've been.
See? You're already helping.
Okay, I'm sorry, guys. I just It's not
- Hold on, man.
- Please. Think about it.
I'll talk to Coach Hillridge
after school. How's that?
- That's dope.
- Yeah!
[cheering, woofing]
Great.
I wanna take you in my arms ♪
You're taking me ♪
To the point of no return ♪
Oh oh oh ♪
You're taking me ♪
- [whistle blows]
- [Markie] All right. Huddle up. Listen.
You ladies all begged for
a female coach this year for Powderpuff.
And since everybody gets
what they want these days,
give it up for Ms. Sanders.
[Gwen] Hi. Thank you.
Unfortunately,
I don't know all the technical
dos and don'ts of football per se,
so I've brought Coach Hillridge here.
He's just gonna assist me on small things.
Like, when you catch the ball,
which way do you go?
And then why do you ever kick the ball?
That's right. Ms. Sanders
is your coach today, so just ignore me.
You won't notice me at all.
I'll just be here teaching her
how to teach you how to play football.
- That's right.
- Tell 'em to start running sprints.
- Sprints!
- [Markie] Come on.
Evan, catch.
Hey, I told your football players
I'd help them save
their Powderpuff performance.
- You're trying to cancel that?
- You think I wanna cancel Powderpuff?
Why? I love that shit.
Come on. Big football dudes
dressed up like cheerleaders.
- Oh!
- That's the height of comedy, man.
- Come on.
- God, Gwen.
You gotta take it up with Moretti.
- I'm taking it up with Moretti.
- Catch him.
- What do I do now?
- Burpees.
- It's time for "blurpees," girls!
- Burpees.
- Hey, Grant.
- No, Evan!
- Grant.
- No, I'm off the clock.
- My car is technically not school grounds.
- Listen, what is this Powderpuff thing?
You're canceling this Powderpuff thing?
What is this?
We're not canceling anything.
Nothing is being canceled.
Look, it's not It's being discussed.
It's not all of Powderpuff.
It's just the the boys'
cheerleading performance
has become a sort of
a hot button issue, all right?
Just tell the parents to lighten up.
- It's not the parents.
- What?
Not the parents. The parents love it.
Big football guys in girls' clothes.
It's funny stuff, Evan.
Even I, back in the day,
I was in Powderpuff back in the day.
- Really?
- Yeah, we had a cheer
about our butts, kicking butts.
That's me. I didn't even
have to shave my legs.
- You look like Hilary Duff.
- Thank you.
If it's not the parents,
who's trying to cancel it?
The students. The LGBTQ+IA2S+ Alliance.
That's crazy.
Why didn't they just come talk to me?
I helped rhinestone their flag.
- They think you're homophobic now.
- What? Why?
They think that you
don't believe in lesbians.
Oh, come on.
- That was taken out of context.
- What context was it in?
Just I was having
a regular conversation with Gwen.
And I was telling her I have
a hard time believing that lesbians
aren't attracted to men.
Okay. So you're saying
Powderpuff is this old boomer tradition
where the boys
get to make fun of the girls.
And more importantly,
these football players
are "gender-switching" as a joke
when there are people in this school
who are actually nonbinary or trans.
- And that is not a joke.
- Pablo.
Wake up.
Is anybody actually upset about it?
Like, in my experience,
if men wanna dress up as women,
- you should just let them.
- Let my boys have fun.
I actually love Powderpuff
because the boys have to admit
how hard our cheers are.
Becca, you literally quit cheerleading.
Yeah, because I literally died for
three minutes last year. I went to hell.
Stop talking about that.
I've never liked Powderpuff, personally.
- Why, Jeff?
- It sickens me.
- The beauty is too intense.
- That's crazy.
Who here is in the LGBTQIA2S+ Alliance?
Okay. Look, if you guys had come to me,
I would have gently reminded you
that while your hearts
may be in the right place,
in actuality, you're banning a drag
performance at a school in the South.
- Ooh!
- Stop being a contrarian.
You know, it's bullshit
that these cool jock kids
get to dress however they want
and everybody loves it.
They're doing it as a joke.
It's not like real authentic drag.
So, you guys just want the boys
to be authentic and respectful
in their performance.
That would make you happy?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Sure.
Okay. Good to know.
- Yes, Tiffany.
- This is literally book club.
Like, why are we talking about this?
- [sighs, inhales]
- So, when you talk to the boys
just, like, keep it base level,
keep it easy.
- They're new to all this.
- All right. I got it. Yeah.
[Evan] They're gonna be maybe shocked.
You still do those, uh, poetry jams?
[Evan] No, that was just at A&M.
I stopped after college.
Oh. I miss those college parties.
I remember you, like, refused
to take photos with a digital camera.
You'd be like, "I only use real film."
- Right. Right. Right.
- And you had that mullet.
I'm much less of a loser now.
- And what do you do here? Oh.
- I teach English.
Hey, guys.
Um, I would like to introduce you today
to a very special friend of mine.
This is Shazam.
Hello, hello, my little babies. Hello.
- Hi, Shazam.
- [dispirited] Hi.
Shazam was the queen of drag
back in college.
And now, she has a long-running show
in Austin called Woman of La Mancha.
That actually got canceled. The show
is now called Drink Ticket Tuesday.
When you are old enough to drink,
maybe you can go check that out,
or don't tell anybody I said that.
So, are you, like, a dude?
I'm like a dude.
Yeah, I'm cool like you guys.
I'm a cool dude. I sit home.
I wear tube socks.
I blow my nose. I have hair.
But when she's dressed like this,
she is Shazam.
When I'm dressed like this,
I'm your mama.
Okay.
Quick question: Does anybody own a ferret?
- Do they have ferrets?
- I'm just trying to connect with the kids.
- They're not eight.
- I don't know how old they are.
Here's the deal, guys.
Shazam is gonna teach you guys
the proper way to dress like a girl.
The right way. You know, it's a little bit
like if you're gonna drink
or experiment with drugs,
I'd rather you do it in the house.
That's not a great example.
But she and I, we're gonna be
your coaches in this.
Them, like, real titties?
Or, like, what you got going on?
Honey. No, this is a breastplate.
It looks great, right? Very realistic.
- Yeah, it looks awesome.
- We call it a titty bib.
And this is a lace-front wig.
- My mom has that.
- Okay.
So, is there, like, a titty bib for
your dick too? Or, like, where's that at?
Yes, I am tucked.
- It's like a jockstrap or like a cup.
- It just kind of [pops lips]
- [Tray] Does it pop in?
- Yeah, I tie it
on the end of a ping-pong ball
and shove it up my ass.
Don't laugh. That's rude.
Yeah. No, no. You guys can laugh.
This is what I'm saying.
Shazam is very funny.
Drag can be very funny.
So, if you guys, for this Powderpuff
performance, instead of doing joke drag
or half drag or just
the cheerleading outfits,
if you just do authentic,
real drag like this,
then the LGBTQ Alliance cannot be upset.
So, you want us dress like this?
Oh, honey. I don't think
you have the balls to dress like this.
- Ooh!
- Oh-ho-ho-ho!
And that This is good.
This is the thing.
She just read you,
and you can read her back and
- And I'm an accelerated reader, Tray.
- Damn.
Drag is about self-expression.
About being larger than life.
Shazam used to have a motto in college,
used to say, "We don't mark it, baby"
- We do everything full-out.
- "We go full-out."
- What is "mark it"?
- It's like
When you don't go
all the way on something.
Yeah, it's like,
one, two, three, four. [grunts]
You know, you wanna be like
[makes whooshing sound]
Like when you don't hustle in football.
Oh. Okay.
We're gonna go all out.
You guys on board? Maybe?
Mmm
[Tray sighs] Fuck it.
It's my senior year.
Let's get it for Coach Shazam.
- Yeah!
- Let's go.
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
- Coach Shazam.
- Coach. Yeah.
- [woofing]
- [Shazam] Okay. Uh Oh
Sarah, you hold the ball,
you're gonna hike it to
- To who?
- To the quarterback.
To the quarterback. Yes, amazing. Great.
Once you catch it, you're just
gonna throw it to Who?
- To the receiver.
- [Gwen] Ella, catch it.
Yes, I love this!
Okay. So, once you catch it
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ah, ah!
I know this. You guys
are all gonna tackle her, okay?
- You're gonna get her.
- Wait, are
Put your body into her! Chest forward!
- Wait.
- Wait, aren't we playing flag football?
- Yes. Yes.
- No. What?
- Flag football.
- No.
- Why wouldn't they play tackle football?
- So they don't injure themselves
- or each other.
- Are you kidding?
- No.
- I mean, God, here we go.
Girls aren't allowed to hurt anyone.
This is why we get kidnapped.
Someone says, "Get in my car,"
we go along with it
'cause we don't wanna hurt their feelings,
and it turns out to be the killer.
This is a football field. It's a game.
We're not worried about killers.
- You're not.
- Excuse me?
Coach Hillridge, you can
walk to your car alone at night
without thinking
that someone's gonna kill you.
You can walk alone
to your car tonight as well.
- Just don't park in a shit neighborhood.
- Okay, okay.
- You're kidding, right?
- I'm not.
I'm a 110-pound girl.
The whole world
is a bad neighborhood to me.
- That part.
- You know what?
I don't think you know
what it's like to be a woman.
- That's not the point.
- Your biggest fear is getting made fun of.
Our biggest fear
is getting raped and killed.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
The girls do not need to hear about this.
They hear about this all the time.
When I toured Texas State,
this is, like, all they talked about.
Did they show you where
all those emergency poles are
in case you're getting
serial killed at college?
- Yeah, they had to.
- Exactly.
Okay. First and foremost,
we're not talking about
getting serial killed at college.
This is Powderpuff. This is fun, okay?
How do you expect them
to defend themselves on the field
- Mmm.
- if they can't defend themselves
out in the world?
How are they gonna defend themselves
against someone like the Highway Killer?
- Oh, my God.
- Who's the Highway Killer?
The podcast. The Highway Killer:
Murder at the Speed of Death.
Yeah. It's really good.
- The chemistry between the two of them.
- Yeah.
- The way they're making each other laugh.
- I know.
- What's it called?
- [Sarah] The Highway Killer.
Okay, wait Yeah, I'll give it a go.
Why not? 302 episodes.
By the way, routes.
Oh, yeah. Run routes, guys. Get it.
I asked you not to get involved.
Grant, if you're teaching
somebody to play piano,
who do you get to help them?
A piano teacher.
If you're teaching guys
to dress up like girls
I'm getting calls from the parents.
I don't know who this person is.
She could be a lunatic.
She could be a criminal.
Because she happens to be a drag queen,
she's a lunatic and a criminal?
- Are you hearing yourself?
- That's not what I mean.
You can't bring in strangers to teach
at the school. You can't do that.
I was trying to satisfy
the LGBTQIA2S+ Alliance.
Why? Why succumb to the whims
of these four gay kids?
- I never said that.
- There's at least eight of them, right?
You just listen to them complain.
You don't have to do anything
about their problems.
- I thought their concerns were valid.
- Valid? Here's what's valid.
Those football players' parents
are gonna be there.
Superintendent Boone will be there.
And this is what they're expecting to see.
- What is this?
- I'll read along, all right?
"Appropriate and approved attire for
the Powderpuff halftime performance:
- hair ties, face glitter, nail polish
- Polish.
cheerleading outfits."
This is ridiculous.
It needs to be cute. It needs to be fun.
Everybody's gonna be happy.
We're gonna have a great time.
No one gets fired.
Think of your job, Evan.
Think of your job.
So, ladies, you got these flags.
If someone's trying to get your flag,
I'm thinking it's a lot of this.
It's in the hips. Try it.
If someone's trying to get you
- and you're juking
- Stop. Stop what you're doing. Stop.
I listened to, like, eight episodes
of that podcast you told me about,
and I couldn't care less
about y'all running plays,
running out routes, in routes, posts.
I care more about you not ending up in
tiny little pieces in someone's freezer.
We need to forget about football
and teach these girls self-defense.
- Wow, Markie.
- Yeah. Looks like I'm a feminist now.
You're a feminist?
Only when it comes to female violence.
I still feel the same way about equal pay.
Some people just work harder.
I mean, show me a woman who's a CEO.
Elizabeth Holmes.
Okay, we are doing
female self-defense 101, right now.
I just want to play football.
- Then you can leave.
- Fuck out of here.
Guys, I hate to break it to you.
We got some bad news.
I got this email from the school board.
This is a list of things
that have been approved
- for the boys' Powderpuff performance.
- [murmuring]
Needless to say, the things we've been
doing in here are not on this list,
- and they wanna kick Shazam out.
- What?
First my sister's baby shower, now this.
You guys want me to read this list?
- Hell no.
- No. Nah.
Okay. Why don't I just
- [Tray] Mmm
- Yeah.
[cheering]
- [Tray] Whose house?
- Our house!
- Whose house?
- Our house!
[Shazam] It's our house!
[Shazam] These will fit better
if you really just, like, stretch it.
Love. And then this. There we go.
- Yeah!
- It's actually a bra,
but I wear mine as a sleep mask
when I fly coach.
Okay, Coach Hillridge,
you're walking to your car alone at night.
- Where are your keys?
- Front pocket.
Wrong. Attacker, boom, you're dead.
Take your keys, put 'em right between
your fingers like Wolverine.
It's gonna get him good.
What kind of girls you run with
that you've never seen a bra?
["Gloria" plays]
[Shazam] Step together,
step together, step together.
Come on, boys. A little more sashay,
a little less shantay.
Do you see the way she just did this?
She was like You know what I mean?
That is, what do we call it?
Marking it. She was marking it.
You're a beautiful single female.
There's a note on your car.
Probably from an admirer.
Let's see what it's about.
Distraction means death. You're done.
Ah
Sway. Sway.
Will you marry me?
Yes, of course.
Boom, you're dead.
Your husband's
the most likely person to kill you.
Let me see the hands like this.
We saw a nipple.
Now we've been disqualified.
- Killer's dead.
- [Markie] Check the pulse.
- He tricked you, now you're dead.
- [Markie grunts]
Ah, ah, ah.
Okay. Can I see you try that? Yes.
You're dead so is your family.
Boom. You're dead. Boom! You're dead.
[grunting]
Ah. Ah. Ah!
Ah. Ah.
Ah.
Evan, I think they're ready.
Markie, seriously,
you've done such a good job today.
- I'm so proud of you.
- My eyes are open.
- I've learned a lot, you know.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
- Give me a little hug.
- My buddy.
- Indeed.
Chloroform. Boom, he's dead.
Okay, then you all get in a line
and then I come out,
and then I hit the audience
with a huge death drop, right?
So, it's like left leg out,
right leg back, bam!
I don't know. I think it might be better
to just leave the drag performing
to the kids.
No, Mr. Marquez.
We want Shazam until the very end.
She steps our pussy up.
Okay. If you guys want Shazam
to do a death drop,
Shazam can do a death drop
at the end of the performance.
Brayden, you wanna count us out?
Full-out on three. One, two, three!
- Full-out!
- Full-out!
[Jason] Let's go, bitches.
Uh, same time tomorrow, guys.
[Shazam] Good hustle.
I think we're doing
a really good thing here.
- Me too.
- Is this your iPhone charger?
- No, I don't think so.
- Okay.
Well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom,
because I need to untuck.
Mama is in pain.
Okay. Take all the time you need.
If you see a bald guy who looks like he's
gonna kill himself, that's the principal.
Just walk the other way.
Keith, you left your duffel bag.
This thing is getting heavier and heavier.
What do you keep in there?
- It's fucking wigs, man.
- What is this?
- Some wigs.
- What's in your trunk?
You're stealing from the school?
No, this is stuff I've owned before.
Stuff you've owned before.
What does that even mean?
Oh, my God. What is in this?
Ferret food from Miss Mallory's class?
I have children to feed, Evan. Okay?
You feed your children ferret food?
My ferrets are my kids, Evan.
I don't have a school full of 'em.
We have to get
this fucking stuff back inside.
- Which stuff?
- All of it.
- I'll help.
- No, you can't help.
You're a fucking thief. Do you understand?
I vouched for you with the principal.
I should call the cops right now.
Oh, the principal?
God, you used to be so punk rock, man.
I don't know. You changed.
You are so fucked up.
Anyway, I'll see you at rehearsal.
No, you won't
because you're you're fired.
People are obsessed
with saying that to me.
- We need those printers.
- Peace out, Evan.
People have to print things
at this school.
Thank God you can't fit
a fucking copy machine in that trunk.
[Grant] "Ten printers, laser and inkjet."
"Five laptops, framed picture of me." Hmm?
"An American flag, an abacus,
45 pounds of ferret food,
iPhone chargers, 20 to 30 iPhone"
No one can find their iPhone chargers.
Oh, and a student lent Shazam $300.
Well, they're not getting it back.
Look, there was no way of knowing,
really, that she was
No, there's no way of knowing?
Your friend Keith has a record, Evan.
- We're talking grand larceny here.
- Right.
A criminal drag queen
was brought into the school.
You basically conjured a conservative
talking point out of thin air.
Did you not even think to check
his her background?
No, this was an old friend. I
No, no, because you were so consumed
with your little mission, right?
Okay, well, congratulations, Evan.
Congratulations.
You You You succeeded.
Oh, God.
I am canceling
the Powderpuff boys' performance.
- Why?
- A three-minute skit
isn't worth the hassle.
It's already too much.
I'm getting texts from the LGTBQ kids.
I don't even know how they got
my personal phone number.
And with Superintendent Boone
being there, no, no, no, no, no.
Do you understand how big this issue is?
This isn't just about a little skit
at a football game.
This is about drag.
Yeah, you you made it about drag.
- [fizzing]
- [Grant sighs]
Purr.
Wait. So she had a record?
Yeah. I mean, you can just
never predict that someone has
three DUIs and is permanently banned
from the Austin Zoo.
- We gotta go there.
- We do.
We've got to go there. Don't forget that.
The point is, I didn't know.
It's awful that it's over, you know.
It's just, like, it's over. It's over.
I guess the girls' football game
will be fun.
Yeah. I don't know
how much football they learned,
but they're not gonna get killed
at a highway rest stop.
I can guarantee it.
I think I'm not gonna go to the game
You gotta come to the football game.
I don't know. It's so sad now.
It would mean a lot to me that you come
and you're just in the stand.
- I worked really hard.
- Yeah.
You can bring a book
and just, like, chill.
- Yeah, I'll go.
- Thank you.
Goddamn it!
Is that Nick out there?
Yeah, he's working on the pool.
What is he doing again?
He's building a pool by hand?
We're, like, basically saving so much
money because he doesn't need bulldozers.
He doesn't need people. He just needs
himself and shovels and all that stuff
That sounds so crazy.
No, it's just concrete
and digging, I think.
And then, once it's done,
it's gonna get listed on Swimply.
What's the word that you're saying?
Swimply's an app where you list
your pool and your backyard
and you rent it for hours to people,
strangers, and they pay you.
- While you're home?
- While we're home,
and then you charge more if they come in
and use your bathroom.
Well, good for you.
I'll get him to explain it to you. Nick!
- You don't need to get him
- No, no. Nick!
- You don't have to come!
- [Gwen] You do
- [Evan] Hey, Nick.
- [Nick] Hey.
- [Gwen] Hi.
- Hey, babe. What's up?
- I was just bragging about the pool.
- Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, look, it's like nobody
in this neighborhood is on Swimply.
They have pools,
but they're not on the app.
But I was at Trader Joe's the other day,
and I think my neighbor heard me
talking to you about it,
so this is like a rushed dig.
It's gonna be a rushed dig.
All right. Well, I support that.
I think it's cool. I think it's inspiring.
It's so much fun.
I gotta get back outside.
Okay, bye.
My little pool man.
- Nice to see you.
- [Nick] Good to see you, Evan.
You guys are so cute.
It's so good that he has this though
'cause he needs to be distracted,
'cause the looking for
a job thing was a lot.
[crowd chattering]
Get the fuck back!
[whistle blows]
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah. Yes.
- Do we get points for that?
- We do. We do.
Go for one! Yeah!
- Oh, God.
- Yeah. Yeah.
[Harry] Evan.
- [Evan] Oh, hey.
- Hey. [chuckles]
- [Evan] How's it going?
- Good, and you? Good to see you.
Hey, do you know anybody who has,
like, 20 printers I could use?
That's funny.
[Rick] Hey, hey, hey.
Oh. This is Superintendent Boone.
This is our college counselor, Rick.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Rick.
As long as you don't ask me
for a raise, that is.
- [Grant chuckles]
- [chuckling]
Actually, if I can grab five to chat
about that with you, that would be sick.
Maybe we hit up Ruth's Chris, fellas?
[whistle blows]
All right, whatever. I'm gonna head home.
- Nice to see you.
- Yeah? You're out?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- [horns honking]
- Oh. What's happening here?
[cheering, whooping]
- Evan, what the hell is going on?
- They did this themselves.
I did Was not involved with this.
Hey, yo, let me ask you something.
Do we offend you?
Someone taught us something.
That even if things don't go
your way or work out,
we don't mark it.
We go full-out, baby.
Thank you, Coach Marquez.
And even if you don't understand
what I'm talking about,
then you about to learn.
- You bitches ready?
- Ready!
One, two, three, four.
["The Warrior" plays]
[singer vocalizing]
[laughs]
[vocalizing continues]
[crowd cheering]
You run, run, run away ♪
It's your heart that you betray ♪
Yes!
Marquez! Markie, control your players!
Who do you think gave them
the keys to the cart?
Let the girls dance.
- Whoo!
- Hell yeah, Markie!
Hey, man. Powderpuff is tradition.
your heart's still wild ♪
Shootin' at the walls of heartache ♪
- Bang, bang ♪
- Whoo!
I am the warrior ♪
Yo, yo, yo. It's time for the death drop.
[Markie] You're in!
Well, I am the warrior ♪
And heart-to-heart you'll win ♪
[shrieks] Yeah!
Heart-to-heart you'll win ♪
- [loud crack]
- [gasping, groaning]
[grunting]
[grunts]
If you survive ♪
- [woofing, cheering]
- [Tray] Yeah!
I am so sorry.
I did not expect this to happen.
Are you kidding?
It was funny as hell. [laughs]
Back in my day when we did Powderpuff,
they told us to go whole hog.
That was whole hog and an extra ham hock
for good measure. [laughs]
[Gwen, Powderpuff football team
cheering, whooping]
[woofing, cheering]
Shootin' at the walls of heartache ♪
They actually fucking did it.
Work.
I am the warrior ♪
And heart-to-heart you'll win ♪
Heart-to-heart you'll win ♪
If you survive ♪
The warrior ♪
The warrior ♪
Shootin' at the walls of heartache ♪
Bang, bang ♪
I am the warrior ♪
Shootin' at the walls of heartache ♪
Bang, bang ♪
I am the warrior ♪
Shootin' at the walls of heartache ♪
Bang, bang ♪
I am the warrior ♪
Yes, I am the warrior ♪
And victory is mine ♪
Shootin' at the walls ♪
The warrior ♪
I am the warrior ♪
Shootin' at the walls of heartache ♪