Episodes s01e02 Episode Script

I love your show.
I love it.
Seriously, I want to have sex with your show.
You know what my fantasy is? I wake up tomorrow and I've got your show on my network.
What, us come to L.
A.
? How hard can it be? You've already written the scripts.
It's perfect the way it is.
You work 20 minutes a day, the rest of the time, you can screw in the pool.
You hear that? We'd get a pool.
Let's talk about casting.
Well, we already have Julian committed to recreate the role of Lyman.
So, that's half the battle right there.
Merc loves the show, Julian is the show.
There is a chance Merc may not have actually seen your show.
What? I'm not saying that he hasn't seen it.
Has he seen it? No.
We just found out that there is an actor available huge star and he's ready to come back to TV.
Really? Who? Matt Leblanc.
Matt Leblanc? Right.
Matt Leblanc To play Lyman? WellI said it's a different way to go.
For the erudite, verbally dexterous headmaster of an elite boys' academy, you're suggesting Joey? Look, he's probably wrong for it.
Probably? He is very funny.
He really is.
I even liked him in that monkey movie.
What monkey movie? Please, just take the meeting as a courtesy.
For Merc.
He really wants to get Matt over here to the network, and so far, this is the only project he's interested in doing.
Matt Leblanc wants to do our show? Are you kidding? Dying to.
He saw it when he was in England, shooting a movie.
Huge fan.
Really? So what? So? Can I tell Merc you'll take the meeting? It's one lunch you know, as a courtesy.
Yeah, fine, fine.
We'll we'll take the meeting.
Awesome.
Also Merc wanted me to pass on a little invitation.
He's having a dinner party at his house on Saturday night, and he'd love you guys to come.
As a courtesy.
Andy: It's a very big deal.
I've never been to his house.
I've driven past it.
Please tell Merc we would love to come.
We can't wait.
Aww.
Kisses to you, too.
You're kidding.
What? What? She almost tripped over your tongue.
You really like that? Yes.
They're so obviously fake.
Yes? That doesn't bother you? She's not hurting anybody.
I think it's under "Lincoln".
They're asking if we have the financing? Screw that.
Tell them we're looking at another location, and if we're not closed by the end of today, the whole thing is off the table.
Bye.
Sorry.
I'm trying to buy a restaurant.
I'm Beverly.
This is Sean.
Hey.
SoI'm here why? Er, well, to talk about our show.
What show? Brilliant.
Did did you recently shoot a movie in England? No.
So, you're not a huge fan? Of England? Ehh No, no.
Of us.
Oh, you? No.
Oh.
Well, this isn't at all awkward.
Let me ask you something.
Would you go to a restaurant where you roll your own sushi? Absolutely not.
See, that's what I'm afraid of.
Oh.
One sec.
You won't believe this.
Now they're trying to add an extra charge for the kitchen equipment.
"Well, they can go "Fuck "Themselves.
" This is so cool.
I just type in "f-u", and it knows I mean "fuck".
Science The gifts you've given us.
So, you guys have some sort of show? Yes, it's a comedy.
It's been on in the u.
K.
For four years.
That explains the accents.
Go on.
Do you want to finish that before we No, no, I'm with you.
You're English, you have some sort of show.
Well, yeah.
It's about a headmaster of an elite prep school And his relationship with the students and the various teachers.
So, it's History Boys.
What? History Boys.
You've seen History Boys.
The Alan Bennett play Yeah.
Our show is nothing like History Boys.
Theirs was set in a grammar school.
Ours takes place at a boarding school.
Theirs was about a history teacher.
Ours is about a headmaster and several other teachers.
Ok, ok.
So, it's History Boys meets You saying it's not History Boys.
It's not History Boys.
All right.
I take it back.
It's not History Boys.
What's it called? Lyman's boys.
Ah.
We had the name first.
And so, what you want me for the old fat guy's part? Thanks.
We don't want you.
Again, thanks.
What she means is, um The network suggested you.
It would never have occurred to us.
It's such a different way to go.
But we are Huge admirers Yo.
No, that was supposed to say "fuck".
Why would I say, "go fun yourself"? No.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no.
No.
No.
No.
N-o.
No.
No-o-o.
No.
Yo.
They loved you.
Who? The British people.
They loved me? Carol Rance just called from the network.
She said they loved you and they want you.
Huh.
That's good.
It's very good.
I don't know.
What? I don't know that I love them.
Well, maybe you can learn to love them.
Merc Lapidus really wants this to happen.
They got a money truck ready to drive up to your house.
How big a truck? Oh, it's a big truck.
Lots of wheels.
Are we talking, like, new restaurant money? We're talking chain of restaurants money.
Nice truck.
But have you heard the part? This fat old headmaster of some private school? So, they'll change the part.
They'll make it something else.
Whatever you want.
Come on, it's the Matt Leblanc show.
Tell me more about the money truck.
It's a truck And it's full of money! Right up to the house? You won't even have to go to the mailbox.
Wallace, you know us.
We go through this every day.
How can you not remember? We waved to you when we left this morning.
Everybody waves.
Name? Lincoln.
Lincoln.
Lincoln.
With an "l".
Like the car, the tunnel in New York, your dead president.
I'll check.
Hello? We got Matt Leblanc.
What?! Can you believe it? No! You you you said it was a courtesy.
It was.
But he said yes.
Whoo-hoo! Not his courtesy our courtesy! Either way, we're over the moon here.
And the best part? Merc's excited about the show again.
When did he stop being excited about the show? Never.
Thank you.
Bloody hell.
That's a Rothko.
He has a Rothko in his house.
Do you realize what that's worth? Some of these women are so thin.
"No, darling, tell me what is a Rothko worth?" No, seriously.
Look at that one.
My arm weighs more than she does.
Don't look at my arms! Ohh! Top o' the evenin' to you, blokes! Hello.
Thank you so much for having us.
Your home is beautiful.
The art amazing.
Oh, well, that's all Jamie.
I just pay for it.
Hey.
Have you guys met my wife yet? Excuse us.
This is Jamie.
Honey, these are those English writers Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
I know! So nice to meet you.
Welcome to L.
A.
So, are you ready to go back to England yet? Hardly.
In a heartbeat.
Well, if there's anything you need, please call me.
And not, like, an L.
A.
"call me".
I mean it.
Make sure this one gives you my number.
Thank you.
That's so sweet.
Ooh.
Arthur and Madelyn just got here.
Oh, would you excuse me for a moment? She's lovely.
She's the best.
And blind.
UhYes.
Two years now.
Really? We were in Hawaii.
She ate some kind of bad fish.
Boom! Has a toxic reaction, goes into a coma for two weeks.
When she comes out of it blind.
Oh, my God.
That's horrifying.
Yeah, that was not a good vacation.
Plus, it rained practically every day.
Well, Kauai.
That's why it's so lush.
Yes, well For someone who's only been sightless for a short time, she seems amazingly capable.
She's worked so hard.
She's my hero.
I mean She falls down.
A lot.
For some reason, she's not doing it tonight.
But you should see her shins.
Bruises sheesh! Whenever I offer to help her, she's, like, "no, I have to do it myself.
" I'm, like, "but it's gonna take so much longer that way.
" But she's gotta do it.
It takes us forever to get out of the house.
Well, on the other hand, she shops less.
Look at that view.
Ooh.
Hi, kids! Hi, Carol.
So, having fun? Absolutely.
Hmm.
Ooh, those look good.
We have a kobe beef on a toasted brioche, topped with crispy potato and a horseradish crème fraîche.
Mmm, not saying no to that.
Oh, um, you know, I'm I'm fine.
Oh, come on.
At a certain point, I said screw it.
I'm never gonna look like them.
I mean, I don't want to look like them.
Life's too short.
Oh.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Mmm! Mmm.
Yum.
Mmm.
So Have you guys said hi to Matt yet? Oh, Christ.
He's here? Yeah, out in the garden.
You should go say hello.
Why? Maybe because he's the star of our show? What? When you say it, it makes it real.
Oh, come on.
He's gonna be great.
Now, get out there and make nice.
Come on.
You gotta do it.
No one's here to have fun.
Oh, God.
Be nice.
You speak first, then.
Ok.
Excuse me.
Hey! It's you guys! Hello, sir.
Matt.
Hi.
You know what I've been doing the last few days? Texting? Watching tapes of your show.
It's fantastic! Really? Like you don't know.
Oh, my God.
So funny.
And smart.
Jesus, I love it! You're serious? UhYeah! And it's totally not History Boys.
Thank you.
I love the writing The characters.
Oh, wow.
And we've got to do it like you did it over there Casting real kids, not TV kids.
That's the key.
That is the key.
Oh, and the librarian? Nicola.
Yeah.
Great part.
You guys have anyone in mind yet? No.
The network has sent us a list.
People they're really excited about.
Like who? We didn't know any of them.
A couple of heathers, a bunch of Jennifers, somebody Dushku.
Yeah, well, don't let them force you to cast anyone you don't want.
All right.
I mean it.
If they start pushing you around, let me be the bad guy.
Really? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's a lot harder for them to fuck with me than fuck with you.
Besides, Merc and I go way back.
I've known him since he ran NBC sports and used to get me Laker girls.
Wow.
Good to know.
Yeah, we gotta get someone great for Nicola.
She's got to be strong and smart and classy.
Right.
And also beautiful but, like, in a real way.
She can't act, can she? What that's I don't Ha ha! That's her classy.
I believe I have chardonnay up my nose.
Dinner is being served.
Oh, thank God.
Well, who saw that coming? He's actually charming.
How did that happen? It's like a magic trick.
Does he seem taller than the other day? Yes, and smarter.
I had no idea he was so smart.
He's still wrong for the part.
He's totally wrong.
But he has such nice hair.
Ohh.
I brought an extra suitcase filled with nothing but toys.
When we got to the orphanage and opened it, the children just sat there, uncertain.
One of the nuns told us that some of these children had never actually seen a toy, much less had one of their own.
It just makes you appreciate so much.
One of the things I brought was a doll that I'd given my niece for Christmas.
She just played with it once and had gotten bored with it.
Well I handed it to this little girl, and she clutched it to her chest and told one of the nuns it was the best day of her life.
Oh! And that was Togo.
I mean, then we were off to Zambia.
The children there Ohh.
You guys have kids? No.
Do you? Two boys.
Oh.
Didn't realize you were married.
Heh heh.
Not anymore.
He said, vehemently.
It was not one of the good ones.
No? No.
We never should've done it.
We were totally wrong for each other, like Oil and water? More like oil and something that sleeps with oil's best friend.
Oh, my God.
I don't understand how women do that.
With two children No, no, no, no.
It was me.
I slept with her best friend.
I was not a good husband.
Heh.
Apparently not.
But I am a very good dad.
That's Aiden, and the little one's Michael.
Oh, they're gorgeous.
They seem very sweet.
They can drive you crazy.
Don't ever ask them what a dinosaur sounds like, especially if you're in a car.
But, you know, they're pretty amazing.
They're the best thing I've ever done in my life.
Anyway It's a mark Wilson.
No, I know.
But an early one.
Before he decided the only color was brown.
Amazing collection, huh? Oh, brilliant.
You should see in the master bedroom, there is a Nevelson that It should be in a museum.
Really? Mm.
Are we allowed up there? Probably not.
Um Would you mind not mentioning to anyone that I've been in the master bedroom? All right.
Oh.
I just wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression.
Absolutely.
"She's sleeping with her boss.
" Wouldn't want to be that girl.
No-ho-ho-ho.
Especially since his wife is blind.
Right.
Ha! Because that would make me A monster.
Yes.
Rarr! I don't Heh.
Whew.
Even if it started before she went Still not good.
Right.
Yeah.
And here they're pretending they don't know I'm taking their picture.
But look They're both giving me the finger.
I assume their father taught them that.
Before they could even talk.
I've never actually seen a "fuck you" finger that tiny.
Pretty cute, huh? That's one of the things I'm looking forward to with our thing Working with kids.
Talk to me three weeks in.
They're like sticky animals with agents.
I gotta say, I'm so excited.
It's an awesome part.
Thank you.
I've never played anyone like him.
I'm sure.
Be honest.
Did the network force me down your throats? Sean would tell you no.
Sean would be lying.
I'm totally wrong for it, aren't I? Spectacularly wrong.
I knew it.
I'm so screwed.
If it helps, we're screwed with you.
Hey, no one likes to be screwed alone.
Hmm.
So, what do we do? Uh, I'm not sure.
It's just you as the headmaster of a school I know.
I mean, you're obviously very intelligent.
Really? Sean and I were just saying how smart you are.
Wow.
That's a conversation that doesn't happen a lot.
But for this role Well, what if I wasn't the headmaster? What if I was someone else at the school? Um, that That would change the show considerably.
Come on, you gotta help me here.
I kind of need this to be a hit.
Or at least something you can't make fun of on a talk show.
UmPerhaps.
Good.
Perhaps is good.
Perhaps, uh, you could be I don't know a history professor with a passion for military campaigns.
Or a coach.
A a coach.
Like a wrestling coach? Throwing the kids around.
Well, um, see, that would be a very different kind of show.
There's a level of sophistication.
Hmm.
Right.
Ok, uh What about lacrosse? That's got your whole sophisticated thing going there, huh? Bam! Heh.
Um Let me talk to Sean, see what he thinks.
Great.
And, hey, at the end of the day, it's whatever you guys want.
It's your show.
Thank you.
Are you kidding? Thank you.
Hey, speaking of kids, I just saw this documentary I just had an interesting conversation.
Which I agreed not to share.
So, what are you talking about here? Oh, Matt was about to tell me about this documentary.
Oh, yeah.
It's about these kids with Tourette's syndrome.
You gotta see it.
It's so funny.
Funny? Oh, my God.
Children with Tourette's? I know.
I felt guilty laughing, but I'm telling you.
They were interviewing this one little girl so cute and all of a sudden, she's, like, "Shit! Shit! "Shit! Shit!" And you found that funny? Hey, I said I felt guilty.
But come on little kids cursing? No? I need to believe you're joking.
Uh, no.
What do you say we find another topic? You haven't seen it.
I don't need to see it.
Tourette's is a horrible affliction.
It's not just swearing.
These people suffer from compulsive facial and vocal tics.
And there's no cure.
So, I guess you're the fun one.
Let me ask you a question.
Carol's having an affair with Merc.
Who's Carol? What if one of your sons had it? What if your own child was compelled to say these terrible things? Would it be funny then? It depends on what he was saying.
Did you just laugh? No.
You did, you laughed.
I didn't, I swear.
Excuse me? What? What? That thing.
What thing? That whippy thing.
Are you implying that my husband is whipped? I don't know.
Is he? Right.
This is not the other topic I was looking for.
When you say "whipped", what type of "whipped" are we talking about exactly? You're an infant.
Just trying to clarify.
Are you trying to get me to say the word "pussy"? I can say "pussy".
Pussy.
Pussy.
Pussy! Pussy! I want to be in this conversation.
Thank you for coming.
It was lovely to see you again.
Bye, thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.
You handled that well.
Could you believe him? Whipped! You're not whipped.
Are you whipped?! That may not be the tone you want when you're asking me that question.
You're not whipped, are you? No, darling.
I'm merely browbeaten and henpecked.
Oh, God, I just want to get out of here.
Hideous, hideous night.
Oh, is someone there? It's Sean and Beverly.
I'm afraid we have to go.
We had a wonderful time.
Don't worry.
It gets easier.
Arr! We we be goin' now, are we? And now we're pirates.
Very good.
Matt's been telling me about the changes for his character.
What? Wait till you hear.
Uh, changes? Yeah, how he's not gonna be a headmaster anymore.
How's that? I love that he's a coach.
A coach? A lacrosse coach.
Love it! That's much more relatable.
Hey, hey, it was Beverly's idea.
Really? I never said "coach".
Well, she said she couldn't see me as a headmaster.
Did she? You said it, too.
To you.
What is a headmaster, anyway? Do people even know? Probably not.
We didn't commit to anything.
Well, commit to it.
It's perfect.
I agree.
She's so smart.
I'm just not sure about lacrosse.
Is it too lacrossey? I know what you mean.
How about hockey? Ooh.
Hockey works.
We could call it pucks! I'd watch.
Before we start measuring for uniforms, can we all take a breath? This is so much better than your old show.
How would you know? You've never even seen our show.
I've seen your show.
Of course I've seen your show.
Who told you I haven't seen your show? I I don't Did you tell them I haven't seen their show? Uh, I Uh, no.
Carol didn't say it.
I I was just trying to make a joke.
It was a joke.
YouHaven't seen our show! That's I don't get it.
He's the funny one.
What a great night.
Maybe next time you can shoot someone.
First of all, I did not tell him he could play a coach.
Did you tell him that he couldn't play a coach? No.
Did you mention it would change the show completely? That we'd have to throw out all our scripts? He said he would let it be our decision.
And he very well might have if you hadn't completely antagonized him over that bloody documentary.
What was I supposed to do just go along with him? "Oh, a film about afflicted children hilarious!" Yes! You go along.
That's what the rest of us do.
We go along.
Because we know that if you don't go along, you end up writing a show called Pucks! I mean, just once, could you not make everything harder? Evening.
And you're here to see? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Not tonight, Wallace.
Don't pull that shit with us.
Now, open the motherfucking, bloody bastard, pain in the arse, dick-cheese-stinking, dirty, shitty, wanking, fucking, bloody, fucking, bastard, fucking stupid cunt of a fucking gate! Tourette's.