Evening Shade s01e02 Episode Script

It's morning in Evening Shade, and this is the old hardware store of Mr.
Ob Newton, a man who refused to use gimmicks, or to sell plastic stuff that tears up the next day.
Instead, he sold wheelbarrows and hammers and garden gloves, things that people really need.
In a world of whiny, neurotic, self-indulgent people, Mr.
Ob shone like a booster rocket.
Lots of folks around here still miss him, but this week, the thirtieth anniversary of his death, he will be mostly and quietly remembered by one person, and that person is his son.
Dad, would you listen to this? Dad? Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
What is it? He's supposed to make up a fable that has a moral to it.
A fable? Isn't he a little young for a fable? He's gifted.
Yeah, I keep forgetting.
There's a boy named Will.
His mother bought him some pants at Penney's.
He went to recess, he tore the pants up, and he got in trouble.
What's the lesson? Don't buy pants at Penney's.
Sounds good to me.
Want to go help your brother bring that stuff over here? Yes, sir.
Dad? Uh-huh? Would you buy me a bra? Now, honey, you're just a little girl.
I- I don't want you to wear a bra yet.
You know that little undershirt you wear? I'd like you to wear that.
The rest of your life.
Daddy Sorry, Dad, they're out of sweetener.
You want me to go next door, to Stop and Go? No, I'll just have it black.
All right, well, this is mine.
I had the kids' Sunrise Sandwich.
I knew it.
It's a dinosaur.
I've already got a dinosaur.
I got a ring that glows.
That's what I wanted.
How come I couldn't have that box? Because that's the way life is.
Sometimes you get the wrong box, you know.
You got to be a good sport about it.
When's Mom supposed to debate on the radio? Hey, Dad, you know what I was thinkin' about? No.
What? Well, what if Mom gets elected Prosecuting Attorney, and say, after I get my driver's license, I get arrested for somethin'.
Would Mom prosecute her own son? Yes, she would.
Your mother has a very high sense of morality, and she would never show favoritism.
As a matter of fact, once she's elected, if any of you do anything wrong, you'll all go to prison.
Mr.
Evans? Yes? I'm Fontana Beausoleil, the striptease artist.
Oh, sure.
Uh I'm familiar with your work.
Not personally, uh but I've heard about it.
Well, I want to thank you for that wonderful editorial you wrote, criticizing government interference in the arts.
Thank you.
I try.
You succeed.
Your change, Mr.
Evans.
Oh, thank you.
Well, what are you all doing here? Your toaster blow up? We're eating out because Mom had to go debate Jim Guy Puckett on the radio.
Is that this morning? I thought it was tomorrow.
You enjoy the kiddie breakfast? Yes, I do.
Just the right portion.
Grandpa, what prize did you get in yours? Uh I got a ring that glows.
Can I have it? Nope.
I'm keeping it for myself.
Who is doing all that honkin'? That is my sister, also known as your mother's Aunt Frieda.
We're on our way to a board meeting at the newspaper.
She insisted on going through the drive-thru window.
I come in here because I don't like to eat in the car.
She's staying out there because she doesn't like to eat in here.
Hey, here it is.
ANNOUNCER We're talking this morning with Evening Shade prosecuting attorney Jim Guy Puckett, and his opponent in the upcoming general election, Mrs.
Ava Newton.
If I can, Randy, I'd like to get back to the downtown parking meter situation.
Well, I think a far more pressing problem is our lack of a domestic violence unit.
Good shot.
May I take your order, please? FRIEDA Wood Newton? Excuse me? Is my nephew Wood Newton in there? Yes, he is.
I thought that was his car out here.
What's he doin'? He's drinking coffee.
Ah.
Well, anyway, I'd like one of those Egg McMuffin deals, and I'd like the egg to be real well done.
You know, some mornings, that voice goes right through me.
Now that I've heard it on a microphone Yup, somewhere there's a moose slapping on Aramis.
Listen, maybe the egg should be medium and the muffin toasted brown.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
We don't have Egg McMuffin here.
That's McDonald's.
Oh.
Well, where the hell am I? You wonder why I don't drive through with her? You're at Arty's.
Arty's? What have you got? Ma'am, the menu's right in front of you.
Look, I don't have my reading glasses, and I just cannot believe you don't have that McMuffin thing.
I mean, what do I have to do, go out on the interstate? Yes, ma'am, that's where McDonald's is.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Do you have cafe au lait? No, we don't.
Well, then just give me a damn paper cup, and tell my brother to get out to this car right now.
We are never coming here again.
Okey-doke.
It is kind of embarrassing, isn't it? AVA And I would certainly support immediate warrants in those cases and not a 24-hour cooling-off period.
Excuse me, but I'm not feeling very well, Randy.
Do you think we could go to commercial? Sure thing, Ava.
Are-Are you all right? Just hang on.
So that's what your lab tests say.
These things sometimes happen during pregnancy.
And just to make sure that you have no early preeclampsia, I'd like to keep you here three or four days.
Three or four days?! Harlan, I've got a campaign to run.
Besides, I can be quiet at home.
No, we got to monitor this medicine.
It's got some side effects.
Mainly nausea and fever.
I know you're upset, honey, but we better go along with him.
Well, I can't just stay in bed.
I've got all these leaflets to give out.
I'm supposed to be at the mall tonight, and at Smiley's Compost Plant at 6:00 in the morning.
We'll hand out the leaflets for you.
That's right.
I'll take some to the mall.
I was going out there anyway, to return some midget pantyhose.
Well, I guess that leaves me with the compost.
I'm just gonna tell you one thing, Wood Newton.
Don't you do like you did that time Ava came up here.
Her toe was gettin' operated on, and you tried to sneak right into bed with her.
I don't know where you come up with these incredibly bizarre stories.
Say I know that Merleen would be glad to have your kids, so why don't you bring 'em on up to Tara? Oh, puh-lease! If they want to visit Disney World, let 'em go to Orlando.
We've got flamingos and ostriches.
Those kids will go wild.
And anyway, you and Merleen go nuts out there on that plantation of yours.
It's like Scarlett O'Hara's Wild Kingdom.
Frieda, I want you to be quiet.
It's bad enough I have to listen to you yakking on the intercom at Arty's.
Anyway, I've got a solution to this whole thing.
I think your mother ought to keep Molly, Taylor can stay with me, and you can keep Will.
No, wait Don't you want to split those kids up? I think they ought to come out to Tara Hey! Wait a minute! I have something to say about this.
You didn't eat anything this morning, did you? No.
It's that hypoglycemia kicking in.
You need to go out to that snack machine and get you some cheese.
All right, I'll have some cheese, but I We-We want our kids to stay in our house with me.
Well, I guess that leaves me no other choice.
What does that mean? Well, I have to move in with you.
Man, I can't believe all the food people keep bringing here.
We're gonna have to buy another refrigerator.
Ew! What is that stuff? That is LaDonna Bader's banana pudding.
Her husband used to be your granddaddy's yardman.
Oh, I drove by their house the other day.
Well, he had this big old sign out in the front yard.
"Live Bait.
" B-A-T-E.
It makes me crazy.
You know, it's stuff like that that makes everybody think we're stupid.
You know, when Ava becomes prosecuting attorney, there ought to be a law.
If you can't spell bait, you can't sell it.
Okay.
Hey, Aunt Frieda? Hmm? You know that word? Mm! It's heureux, as in, "Je suis très heureux.
" I am very happy.
Heureux.
Well, that's good.
Oh, I certainly hope you're gonna have a better French accent than Billy Faye Whitely.
Oh, I will never forget in Foreign Language One, how Miss Teeter used to try and get him to say his name in French.
Je m'appelle Jimmy Faye Whitely.
But he would always pronounce it "Jem's apple" Billy Faye Whitely.
That is the kind of thing that drives me crazy.
It's just like when the local radio announcers try to pronounce the names of the perfume down on sale at Fouch's.
I mean, it's never "Jean Nate.
" It's always, "Git your Gene Natty.
" Lord, I hope and pray they don't ever have a sale on Anais Anais.
More coffee, Frieda? No, I'm having my cafe mocha with mint.
You know, I was just thinking, you've been here for three days, and, uh, Ava gets back tomorrow.
Everything seems to be in order.
And, by the way, you've done a wonderful job.
Thank you.
But maybe you'd like to go home now and unwind, so to speak.
Mm.
Can't.
I have to take the laundry over to Althea Roberts and get her to do it today.
You know, she does all the washing and ironing, except when her arthritis gets her down.
No, you don't have to, 'cause Merleen picked up the laundry.
You're kidding! I didn't see her do that.
Well, she threw it in her big pink Cadillac you know, the Eldorado and she took off with it.
If you see her, maybe you could have her come back, 'cause I don't have any underwear.
Oh, I'm gonna tell you, Thursday is her day to go to the dog races in Memphis.
I wouldn't be surprised if your underwear's there right now.
You know what? I read in a magazine the other day, Faye Dunaway goes to a psychiatrist every day of her natural life.
Now I think that's neurotic.
What's "neuwotic"? It's neurotic, darlin'.
Enunciation is everything.
I once knew a man named Jack Strap.
Frieda? Yeah.
I'm sorry, but you're going to have to shut up.
'Cause if you don't, I'm gonna rip this cord off the toaster and strangle you.
Daddy! Well maybe not; maybe I'll have some more cheese.
Dad's just kidding, Aunt Frieda.
Oh, darling, I don't pay any attention to him.
Your daddy wouldn't have the nerve to kill me, 'cause I'd come back and haunt him.
You know what I would come back as? A big old dumb football player who's always running the wrong way.
That's what I'm gonna be in my next life, and then I'm gonna try out for your team, and you're not gonna know which one is really me.
Hello.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
How you feeling? I'm okay.
Wood is this peignoir you bought me for Valentine's Day the best you could find in my pajama drawer? Well, I I like it.
I like you in red.
What's wrong with it? Nothin'.
I'm just afraid the nurses are gonna think I have another business on the side.
I miss you.
Mmm.
I miss you, too.
Um, I know you can't say anything, but I'm sure by now Frieda's driving you crazy, right? If she is, just say somethin' like, I haven't seen Brownie today.
He must be under the porch.
I haven't seen Brownie today.
He must've thrown himself on a high voltage fence.
That bad, huh? You ought to get some rest.
Okay.
I love you, kid.
Mmm, I love you, too.
Bye.
Bye.
Good morning.
Mornin'.
Hi, Grandpa.
Mornin'.
Just came by to make sure you're all still standing.
I didn't see any smoke signals during the night.
Ooh, I was up.
I watched that movie, The Two Mrs.
Grenvilles, with Ann-Margaret.
Boy, she has stood up well.
Oh, look at the time.
If your daddy's not goin' in till 10:00, I'm gonna have to take you to school.
Come on, I'm just gonna go get my purse.
Come on.
Come on, guys.
I want her out of here.
She's driving me insane.
No wonder she went to the state hospital.
She couldn't get away from herself.
Well, it's just one more day.
I can't take one more day.
I can't listen to that voice for one more minute.
I'd rather take a spike and drive it right through my crotch.
Well, don't tell me about her.
I grew up with her.
We were the first people in town to get an air conditioner, just 'cause it drowned out some of the noise.
It starts in the morning and it goes till we go to bed.
She never stops.
Look I don't care why Secretary of State James Baker wears the same green tie every day, and I don't want to know who was the guest host on the Tonight Show last night.
And I sure don't care about Lodi Hickman's brother, who went off and joined the revolution in South America and spent the whole time in a bar drinking beer all day long, so much so that, when he came home, he looked like a big ol' pie wagon.
I don't care.
You need to get ahold of yourself.
I know.
I don't know who to turn to, I tell you.
You know that, in the South, when you say to somebody, you know, "y'all spend the night tonight.
" We don't mean it.
Nobody ever stays, but you can get right up in her face and say, "I don't want you here anymore.
" She doesn't move.
I can see you're right on the edge here.
Look, I-I I have been her brother for over half a century, and I'm going to tell you somethin' about her.
You can't best her, you can't outtalk her, you can't outdo her.
She's kinda like Frankenstein.
She just keeps moving at you.
Now you just might as well give up.
Well, thank you for those inspirational words.
Maybe you'd like to give a pep talk to my football team at halftime.
Grandpa, would you read my fable? It's a fable that he has to have for school.
Read your fable? My grandpa's old yardman sold bait, but he spelled it wrong on the sign.
No people bought any.
Here's the lesson: If you can't spell bait, don't sell it.
That's pretty good.
I like that.
Well, he's gifted.
He takes after our side.
Ah listen, I just came by to tell you I won't be able to play poker here tonight.
You're kidding? Why not? Well, it's the darnedest thing.
Your old friend Fontana Beausoleil called me up and asked me to dinner.
What for? Well, I don't know, Frieda.
I guess she likes me.
Let me get this straight.
You, you would rather go out on a date than play poker with, uh, Ponder and Harlan and I? That's correct.
I don't want to hurt your feelings, but, uh, you guys are really not quite as fascinating to me as you may have previously imagined.
Well, I think you should have as much fun in life as you can while you're here, because after you're gone, nobody will remember.
Let me tell you, you don't have to worry about your game.
Once again, the Fates have smiled on you.
Why is that? I play poker.
Well, I tell you I don't see why everybody's so all fire hepped up about the Japanese.
I didn't think that Infiniti car ad of theirs was so hot.
All you heard for weeks was: "Ooh, it's coming soon.
" It's like a leaf in the breeze, like a pebble in the pond.
" Hell, I thought some new feminine hygiene product was comin' to America.
Too bad Evan can't play tonight.
Okay, this is, uh, $30.
Now bring us a couple of six-packs and some corn chips, pork rinds, beef jerky and a jar of macadamia nuts.
Boy, that's a lot to carry.
Well, Nub, you got that big old wagon there, and if you don't want to do it, then don't do it.
No, it's all right.
I'll do it, as long as I can feel secure within myself that you're not exploiting me.
Hey, hey! Ho, ho! You've got that ball, now really go.
What's that all about? He's been watching Phil Donahue through the window down at Dicky's Appliance Store.
You know, Ponder, I wish you hadn't brought Evan up.
I, for one, cannot believe my own brother is right next door, entertainin' that low-rent, loose-legged, roadhouse dancer Fontana Beausoleil.
But, you know, except for Ava's mama, he always has had the strangest taste in women.
Oh, just like that Ora Faye Felker in high school.
And it's always the ones whose parents are real religious, they won't let 'em wear any makeup, and at every dance, there she'd be in the backseat of another car, bouncin' up and down like a oil well.
But not a trace of makeup on her.
I'm gonna go check on the kids.
She is whippi" our butts.
Yeah, but the thing that gets me, is she don't even know what she's doin'.
We gotta stop this.
Dealer's choice.
I never heard of No Peeky, Around the World, and Spit on the King.
She's makin' it up.
Yeah, but she's winnin'.
I say we just go back to Five Card Stud.
Do you have your doctor's bag with you? No.
Why? Sodium Pentothal.
We could sedate her.
Why? She'd only keep talkin' on in her sleep.
This is your laundry, all pressed and folded.
Well, you didn't have to do that, Merleen.
I do my own laundry once in a while.
Oh, now, I wanted to help out.
Anyway, I just love to press things.
You are gonna think I'm crazy, but I even pressed the little flap on your boxer shorts.
I hope that wasn't too personal.
Merleen, for cryi" out loud, we're tryin' to have a game of cards here.
He doesn't give a damn whether you pressed the flap on his boxer shorts.
Well, I am sorry, Harlan.
I was just tryin' to be nice.
Well, I know, honeycakes, but we're tryin' to play poker, and sometimes you just say things that are not pertinent.
Well, can you beat that? And this from a man whose main topic of dinner conversation for the last 40 years has been askin' people if their meat's tender.
Where are my kids? Well, Taylor's upstairs, and the two little ones over next door, spyin' on their granddaddy.
I don't want 'em to do that.
You just keep out of it.
They worki" for me now.
I think you ought to know that none of us is gonna get excited about puttin' one card on our foreheads again.
Let me just ask you somethin'.
Is it true what they say about all black men? Yeah.
Frieda there's somethin' about you that's not right.
Aunt Frieda! Aunt Frieda! You're never gonna believe it! We peeked in the window.
And then Grandpa and that lady were dancin' real close and she had on that ring that glows.
Oh, my Lord, he's lost his mind.
Well, whatever it is, we gonna have it annulled.
Ask him, Merleen.
You know, Wood Hmm? I think that you should let Molly have a bra.
Even Barbie has a bra, and she's not even alive.
Hey, Dwayne.
Oh, hey, Coach.
I got you some flowers.
I'm sorry it's so late, but we're runnin' behind tonight.
Who are they from? They're from, uh, Ava.
Ava? Oh, my gosh, Coach, I'm sorry.
These are supposed to go to the cemetery.
They're for your dad, Mister Ob.
That's all right.
I'll, I'll take 'em.
Thank you.
Okay, I appreciate it.
I'm sorry, Coach.
That's all right.
You have a nice evenin', okay? You, too.
I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight Hello? Hi.
You remembered.
Hmm I've been so worried about you.
Did you go to the cemetery? You know, as the years go by, I realize more and more, no matter what my problem is, that you're the answer.
Don't forget to come get me tomorrow.
Fat chance.
Lady in red I love you.
Good night.
Good night.
There's nobody here Where's that music comin' from? My brother's house.
That's the lovely Fontana's theme song.
She's probably over there dancin' for him.
Where's Wood? You talk so much, he probably went to bed.
What do you mean, I talk too much? Now, listen you're talking right now, look at that.
This beauty by my side I'll never forget The way you look tonight.
And so we're given another fable.
There once was a boy named Wood, who lost his father at 17.
He grew up and married a beautiful girl with bright red hair.
His daddy never saw all the touchdowns he made, but she did, and somehow, it was almost as good.