Everybody Loves Raymond s01e02 Episode Script

I wanna thank you for your time, Mr.
Lasorda.
Okay, Tommy.
I really appreciate this interview.
This will be real quick.
Okay.
Now that you're retired I was wondering where do you think you're going with that cookie! Put the cookie down! No, not you, Mr.
Lasorda.
I scared you? I didn't mean to scare you.
I didn't know you were eating a cookie.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids, the house, everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally and twin two-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you but mine would because- Everybody loves Raymond.
Yeah.
Don't you love Nemo's at night? - The candles.
- Yes.
- Twinkly lights.
- I know.
- Such a romantic atmosphere.
- Yeah.
That's why the Pope eats here.
You think he really said: "To my buddy Nemo.
Your pizza is infallible.
" He's good luck.
Yeah.
We've got a picture of him down at the shop riding a Jet Ski.
That was my idea.
You see, she's brainy and beautiful.
And loose.
Did you order foreplay? I didn't order foreplay.
You okay, honey? You're sweating.
I sweat before I throw up.
- Two melanzanes.
- Yeah, here.
- Extra sauce.
- She's the saucy one.
And the assorted fried cheeses plate.
He's the fat one.
Bon appetit! Babe, let me see it.
- Here, you want some ice, Bernie? - I got what Bernie needs.
Come here.
- You got what I need, Ray? - A gun? Hey, that's tongue.
Thought you were a vegetarian.
What, you've never kissed in front of anybody? Yeah, I'm sure we have.
There was that one at our wedding.
That's it? Come on, the Pope.
- You sure you're okay? - I'm fine.
Fine is bad.
- What is it? What's the matter? - It's nothing.
Nothing is worse.
- Come on.
What is it? - Not now.
Your parents.
All right? Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Mommy.
Watch this.
Try it like this, okay? "Stella!" Attagirl! What are you doing? Brando.
"I could have been a contender.
" Dad, come on, it's 10:30.
- I had to let her stay up.
- Why? "I made him a offer he couldn't refuse.
" Very nice, Dad.
How are the twins? Are they gonna wake up doing De Niro and Nicholson? Hello, dears.
Were you in my office, Mom? Yeah.
I was trying to get a pen to do the crosswords.
You know your desk drawer is locked? Yeah, we lock it now.
Yeah, it keeps the kids out.
That's a good idea.
I broke a knife in it.
Okay.
Let's get to bed, Ally.
Shower's broken.
Must have been loose, because when I fiddled with it it came right out of the wall.
What are you doing? What are you taking a shower over here for? He came home from work, and we were here and you know your brother, he doesn't like to be alone in the house.
- Could we go now? I'm cold.
- Sure.
Come on, let's go.
That's my towel.
But we can get it later.
- I'll patch the shower up for you tomorrow.
- Of course you will.
You know that shampoo that says "No more tears"? Yeah.
There's tears.
Yeah.
Definitely broken.
You know how I could tell? There should be a bathroom right here.
You know, it's gotta be hard on Robert, being so gigantic.
When he was a kid he wasn't allowed to pet the cat.
Come on.
He couldn't pet the cat.
- God, you're not okay.
You're not.
- I'm fine, Ray.
See, I would have believed it if you didn't add the "Ray.
" Look, do you mind? I have to pack.
I'm leaving with the Mets tomorrow.
Yeah, go ahead.
- It's my brother, right? - No, it's It's my father.
Yes, he's really annoying.
No, it's not.
It's my mom.
Right, yeah, she broke our knife.
Let's kill her.
Come on.
You're always saying we don't do things together.
We'll kill her, and then a movie.
I don't know what I did.
I'm usually good at knowing when it's me.
Because it's usually me.
Ray, how come you can never just be affectionate with me? Bernie! Did you see how Bernie is with Linda? I see.
Everybody sees that.
It's free Playboy Channel.
There's nothing wrong with it once in a while.
He was drinking.
- So passionate.
- They're drunks.
Both of them.
Look, they've only been married for what, two years? Yeah.
So there's no kids, no exhaustion.
Just wait.
- Wait for what? - For this.
The noise, the no-sleep, and the no-time.
Please, know what I mean here.
You never even say, "I love you.
" - Now I don't love you.
- You don't say it.
- I do.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
- When do you say? With my eyes! What are you doing? I'm drowning.
Look, you want me to say it? I love you.
There, I said it.
Yeah.
Okay.
There's the seven little words every woman wants to hear: "I love you.
There, I said it.
" - Come on.
Don't I say it when we- - Yelling it during sex doesn't count.
I don't know what you want.
- Well- - What? I don't know.
Just Doesn't matter.
Good night.
I'm still packing over here.
Okay.
Come on, eat your breakfast here, guys.
- Mama, I'm ready for my dessert.
- Dessert? Now, Ally, I'm sorry, but breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Now finish your Count Chocula.
Good morning, everybody.
- Hi.
- Hey, guys.
Here, this is for you.
What is this? A card! Got up early to get it for you.
Why? You know, 'cause of what we, you know "To a special wife.
"Love like ours is real and true As a lily holds the morning dew "Every day finds joy anew "And in every way do I love you.
" Yeah.
That's really sweet, Ray.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I just love it.
It's a really nice card.
Something's wrong.
What? It's not enough? I should've got the pop-up.
Maybe you just You didn't understand what I meant.
You still want the talking.
Look, this is better than talking.
This is writing.
You couldn't even sign it, "Love, Ray.
" You signed it, "Okay? Ray.
" Look, you know me.
You know this all me makes me uncomfortable.
When I say, "I love you," it doesn't sound natural.
It's like some bad movie.
- Somebody's gonna laugh at me.
- What do you mean, laugh? Somebody's gonna laugh at me saying that stuff.
Stuff? You love me, Daddy? Yes, of course I love you.
I love all you guys.
And Mommy.
What a Mommy.
Let's hear it for Mommy.
Raise your hand for Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm just not good at saying that stuff aloud.
That's the way I am.
That's the way my parents were.
Okay, but you know, maybe there was something wrong with that.
I mean, come on, you wanna pass this trait on to your kids? No.
I love you.
And I you.
Come on! Come on.
It's all here in the card.
Debra! Stella! Stupid, stinking pump! Don't toy with me, God.
- Hey, Dad.
Iced tea? - No.
It gets me all hopped up.
I'm almost done here.
Damn piece of crap! Please, Dad, take it easy a little.
- I don't know what I'm doing? - Yeah, sure you do.
But relax.
Give me the damn pliers.
Thanks.
Listen, Dad, I gotta ask you something.
There, done! A couple of things you gotta remember.
It's very easy.
- Yeah.
Like what? - It's nothing.
Hot is now cold.
- What else? Is the water gonna come out? - Yeah, sure.
Here's what you do.
You hold on to this one tight, and then you push and turn with this one.
- You're going to need at least two hands.
- Yeah.
At least.
The water comes out very hot at first.
But save that.
You're gonna need it later.
- Dad, shut it.
- Here, give me a hand.
- Turn! - I'm turning.
- Turn it! - I'm turning it! Thanks.
Listen, Dad.
I was wondering something.
When was the last time that you said, "I love you" to anybody? "I love you"? Yeah.
What, do you live in a freaking fairyland or something? I just wanted to know.
This is real life, Raymond.
People don't just go around saying that.
Yes, they do, Dad.
- Name one.
Name one person.
- Debra.
That's an act.
It's not an act, Dad.
She means it.
All right, come on.
Maybe Debra.
But she's nice.
- Why are you asking me these things? - I just wanna know, that's all.
- Do you ever say it to Mom? - You're getting kind of personal now.
Dad, you're my father.
Your mother and I know how we feel.
That's our business.
What? - Hello, Raymond, sweetie.
- Hi, Ma.
How you doing? - What's our business? - Nothing.
Mind your own business.
You said "our business.
" What are you two talking about? Nothing, Ma, it's okay.
- You got him lying for you now? - Go away.
I chop up celery and dill for your rotten tuna sandwich and I drag it across the street for you, and you don't even have the decency That's my freaking lunch! Come on, it's nothing.
I was asking, that's all.
I was just asking how come nobody ever says, "I love you" around here? But I'm starting to realize what a stupid question that is.
No! That's not stupid at all, dear.
There happens to be a very good explanation for it, though.
Your father doesn't know what love is.
- Okay.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
- When we first were married I said it all the time.
- Name one time.
- All the time.
- When did you say it? - I said it all the time! I happen to be a very loving, caring woman.
You know that, Raymond.
But, I mean, after years and years of giving and sharing and getting nothing in return, one tends to- - You said it one time in Albany.
- Shut up.
- One time! - Shut up! The night you had the rum candy.
Shut up! You see what I have to put up with? Look, you don't have to say it.
It's okay.
Why is it so important to you all of a sudden? My parents never said it.
When you were a kid, didn't you want your parents to say it to you? - Of course.
- But they didn't.
Why? They didn't wanna spoil us.
This is the way we wanna be? Is this the way we want the kids to be? What would be so wrong with saying, "I love you" around here once in a while? We're not living in a fairyland here, Raymond.
- Hey, hot and sour soup.
- Give me a hand with these guys.
Come on, guys, it's fun in the sink.
You love it, don't you? Look at that.
Look at how the grease separates.
Squeaky and shiny clean.
- I can see myself.
- Yeah, if you look a little lower.
Hey, this has a crack in it.
All right, look, you're right.
I'll try and change the way I am or something.
You mean that? We're leaving now.
Okay, thanks.
Thanks, Dad.
The shower's fixed and there's just one thing I want you to know.
What? Well, we've been talking and You go ahead, Frank.
I love you.
Oh, God! Mom, no! - I love you, Debra.
- You can stop, Ma.
Ma, you're scaring them.
Go.
Save the children.
All right.
Okay.
It's okay.
Robbie, sweetheart.
I love you.
I'm so sorry.
- Sorry for what? - For never saying it.
But from now, I'm gonna say it to you all the time, all of you.
Even Frank.
I love you.
Isn't this the part of the movie where she's supposed to get shot by the real her? We're here for such a short while.
Your family should know how you feel.
I'm feeling it's not that short a while.
To tell you the truth, I felt kind of embarrassed at first, too.
But now Oh, God.
I love you, son.
All right.
Thanks, Dad.
Me, too.
I'll be over here.
What? Well, you're my brother.
I love you, Raymond.
Isn't that nice? Come on.
Don't! Enough already! Oh, God! What the hell is going on here? - I told them what we were talking about.
- What! Why? I thought I could find out why I was the way I was.
But now I know why.
I'm from a mental institution! - I love you, Deb.
- Robert.
No.
Remember the cat.
Thanks, Rob.
I love you, too.
Ray, this is not what I wanted.
Could everybody just go back to normal? I think it was much better before everybody loved each other.
Wait a minute.
This is between you two.
This is your problem.
Yeah.
I was trying to find out why I'm not the most - demonstrative guy, and I thought- - You thought it was our fault.
It's typical.
You blame the parents.
This is your problem, and the first thing kids do today is point to the mother.
Nobody's pointing, Ma.
If it's anybody's fault, it's your father.
Please, just stop.
I don't understand.
Why do you deal with important things we talk about like this? - I'm sorry to ever bring them up.
- I'm sorry, too.
I'll tell you one thing, Ray.
I'll never bother you on this subject again.
I promise.
Okay, let's just forget I ever said anything, all right? Come on, Deb.
Your plane leaves in two hours.
You haven't even packed yet.
Oh, God! Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm such a screw-up.
This love stuff, we never mention it again.
It never happened.
Hi.
- I made the bed.
- Yeah.
I see.
- Listen- - Don't.
- What? - You don't have to say anything.
- I don't? - No.
- You know what? - What? - I'm gonna miss my plane.
- Okay.
- I'll call you.
- Okay.
- I'll call you when I get there.
- All right.
Bye.
I love you.
- Beautiful.
- I'm sorry, honey! That's all.
Cards.
Only cards from now on.
Yeah, your "I love you" is going to come from Disney.
Yeah, I miss you, too.
Okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
And, honey I love you.
Good.
Well, get used to it because I'm gonna say it all the time.
Okay.
Now give the phone to Mommy.