Everything Sucks! (2018) s01e02 Episode Script
You're Gonna Be the One That Saves Me
1 [STUDENTS CHATTERING.]
[EMALINE LAUGHING.]
So I made him show me his dick.
And then, I swear to God, his dick was pierced right through the tip.
Yeah! And then I told Oliver about it, and he got so mad.
[LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, God.
My boobs are so huge right now! Every time I get my period, they quadruple in size.
Look at them, I'm serious.
- Feel them! They're like swollen.
- Ew, gross.
Get away.
Hey, sweetie.
You wanna feel 'em? What? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God! Did anyone just see that? Kate Messner just touched my boobs! She seriously just grabbed them! Lesbo much? [CHUCKLES.]
["RE-FEEL-IT" BY BETTIE SERVEERT PLAYING.]
Funny how we run around And see what we got We don't even know what it is we found Hello.
Hey, Mom.
Hey.
Wow! [CHUCKLES.]
- What's the occasion? - There's no occasion.
Babe, you just made my day.
[KISSES.]
Child protective services drop by? Yep.
They always do, and the fake mustache worked like a charm.
- How's school? - Coolio.
I joined the A/V club.
Coolio.
I bet you fit right in.
- And I'm dissecting a frog in science.
- Ugh.
Named it "Gorf.
" How'd you come up with that? Well, it's "frog" spelled backwards.
Oh.
Duh.
Well, rest in peace, Gorf.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I, uh met someone.
A girl.
Really? Well, tell me about her.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
She's in A/V.
She's really artistic.
But not in an obvious way, just is.
And she's really into music and really pretty.
She is all that and a bag of chips.
Sounds like it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna ask her out.
I just gotta figure out how.
Any ideas? Well, I don't know.
Hey, I hope I hope you'll be safe.
Oh! Oh, no.
Mom, how did you get that from me saying that - I know - Oh, ew.
You think you're not, but you're at that age.
And sometimes in high school, we forget to look before we leap like Gorf.
Or like when you got pregnant with me? Mmm.
- I did not mean it like that.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Gotcha.
Luke, you're the best thing that's happened to me, you know that? Okay, look.
You know what I think you should do? What? I think, when the time is right, you should tell her exactly how you feel.
And you do it in the most "you" way possible.
Thanks, Mom.
So what's her name? [SCOTT.]
For lunch today, Sloppy Joes.
But personally, I think they should be called Sloppy Scotts on a Jessica Betts bun.
Oh, my God.
You are so inappropriate.
Those are your morning announcements.
Have a Boring day.
[STARGROVE.]
And we're clear.
[SCOTT.]
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[JESSICA.]
I know.
Hey, focus working okay? Oh, yeah.
It's fine.
Oh, wait! I was thinking.
- Maybe you could come over - I got to get to geometry.
[EXHALES.]
Next time, Luke.
Is he trying to open that Surge with his mind? No, he's just upset with me.
That's an understatement.
He's going to ask out Kate Messner because she called him cute.
- Holy shit.
How you gonna do it? - [LUKE.]
Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
Any ideas? Do it while jumping out of a plane without a parachute.
Wait, that's what you're doing.
Remember in Point Break when he jumps without a chute? He's like, "Gee-yah"! Then he jumps.
He breaks both his knees, but it turns out okay.
- He does not say "gee-yah.
" - I think he does.
Is that before or after he gets his best friend killed? Will you stop it, McQuaid? She's really nice and smart.
You'd like her if you weren't so judgmental all the time.
Seriously, I might have a chance with this girl.
You could be happy for me.
My apologies.
You have my support.
Thanks.
[CHUCKLES.]
Where is your lady love? [GIRL.]
Did you hear Kate Messner totally felt-up Emaline Addario during gym? I always knew there was something weird about that girl.
If Kate's really a lesbian, does that mean she has AIDS? Like the guy from Real World? - Yeah.
- Probably.
[GIRL 2 GASPS.]
This is kinda freaking me out.
[GIRL.]
It should.
I wouldn't even let her breathe on me.
[FEEDBACK WHINES.]
Will Kate Messner please report to the principal's office? Kate Messner, please report to the principal's office.
Oh, my God.
[OLIVER.]
Unbelievable.
[SCOFFS.]
Harlot! Fallen woman! Street walker! Say, what? Pretty much everyone's been saying you got felt up by some chick in the girl's locker room.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yawn, yesterday's goss.
Is it true? Is it true? 'Tis true.
God damn it.
A lady's touch upon my bosom hath awoken such curious and mysterious feelings within me! I'm not playing a scene with you now, okay, Emaline? - Oh, how my heart yearns for her! - [BELL RINGS.]
How my loins quake! How free I feel on this merry day! You know, this is why you'll never be a good actress.
Okay? You're out of touch with your inner truth, you can't have a genuine conversation.
Honestly, I feel bad for you.
Well, you have a tiny dick.
[STUDENTS.]
Oh! We're done.
All right? It's over, that's it.
Fine.
[STUDENTS.]
Oh! Bitch! My grandma gave me those.
[SIGHS.]
She has diabetes! Dad? Kate Messner! Come on in! What do you want? You asked me to treat you like any other student, so I am.
Take a seat.
Janitor Steve informed me about some crassly worded vandalism, graffiti really, that showed up on a locker this morning.
Turns out that locker was yours.
It said "Dyke," which is a derogatory term - for when a woman has romantic - I know what it means.
Okay.
I'm just trying to figure out who did this.
Yeah.
You know, has anyone been mean or picking on ya recently? I mean, why would someone do that? Because people are stupid.
Hey, sweetie, uh I wouldn't take it personally.
I bet they didn't even know whose locker it was.
Everything else okay? Yeah.
Okay.
Back to class, young lady.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
You can do this.
You can do this.
Okay.
Hey.
- How's it going? - Um I've had better days.
Oh, yeah? I was just thinking about you.
You were? I love this.
I know it's, uh, super popular or whatever, but track three's kinda saving my life right now.
Hmm.
Which one's that again? By now you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now I wonder who he's singing about.
Don't you? Backbeat, the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before I gotta go.
Uh, I'll see ya later? Absolutely.
"There was s-something my, my" "Mysterious.
" Can't you just invent, like a robot, that will read this to me or something? I wish.
Not with my limited knowledge and resources.
But when the do robots take over, none of this will matter.
We'll just be brains floating in tanks.
Slaves of virtual stimulation and synthetic automated nourishment.
What ever gets me out of remedial.
Guys, I've got it.
But I need your help.
["TWO PRINCES" BY SPIN DOCTORS PLAYING.]
Yeah One, two, princes kneel before you That's what I said now Princes, princes who adore you Just go ahead now One has diamonds in his pockets And that's some bread now This one said he wants To buy you rockets Ain't in his head now Yeah This one got a princely racket That's what I said now Got some big seal upon his jacket Ain't in his head now Go, go! Marry him, your father will condone you How 'bout that now? Marry me, your father will disown you He'll eat his hat now Marry him or marry me I'm the one that loves you baby Can't you see? I ain't got no future or a family tree But I know what a prince and lover Ought to be I know what a prince and lover Ought to be Said if you want to call me baby Just go ahead now And if you like to tell me maybe - Testing, one, two, three.
- Dad.
Levels? Crash.
For today's video installment of the Life and Times of Mr.
Leroy O'Neil, that's me, I want to say a few words about gratitude.
Some days it feels like life's gone to shit.
Days like today, where I'm just happy to be alive.
I'm healthy.
I have a job.
I have a woman and my son, little Luke'em Nuke'em.
He might be the smartest, most passionate little man on this planet.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's five.
Kid's blowing my mind.
[MOM.]
Leroy, hey, dinner's ready.
[DAD.]
Come in.
- What are you doing? - Look at you.
Come here.
- Come here.
- Okay.
Hi.
I love you.
I love you, too.
[DAD.]
Come here.
- Say hi to camera? - [MOM.]
Are you recording this? Leroy, I look like a train wreck.
[LEROY.]
Hey, you look beautiful.
[MOM.]
Smooth talker.
Dinnertime.
This may not be the life that, uh, that I imagined for myself, but god damn, it's a good one.
[STATIC CRACKLES.]
Many mumbling mice Dancing in the moonlight, mighty nice Many mumbling mice Dancing in the moonlight, mighty nice Many mumbling mice, Dancing in the moonlight, mighty nice - Kate? - [JESSICA.]
Good job.
How was the range? Hey, Leslie.
I heard something about you today.
Something upsetting.
Are you a homo? No! That's ridiculous.
Of course it is! I mean, ew, gross.
[CHUCKLES.]
Either way, I hope you overcome this.
I'll pray for you.
Thanks.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Play this.
What's on it? Can't tell you that.
- [GROANS.]
Come on.
Is it inappropriate? - No.
- All right.
What's in it for me? - Really? Yeah.
- Um, Luke? - One sec.
- What's in it for me? - Luke.
- Just [GRUNTS.]
- All right.
Six pack of Jolt? - Was that so hard? - Thank you.
New information has come to light, and your odds with Kate are potentially compromised.
I think you should reconsider doing this.
What are you talking about? New information.
It's just a rumor.
It's probably garb.
But I just heard Ooh, you're jealous.
Jealous? Yes.
Jealous.
That's why you've been negative about this, right? That's absurd.
I'm always negative.
Listen, we're still gonna be friends after I get a girlfriend.
You just gotta stop worrying so much.
Oh, man! Everyone's gonna shit when they see this! In a good way.
See.
They're gonna shit.
In a good way.
Good Morning, BHS! I'm Jessica Betts.
And I'm Scott Pocket.
Scott Pocket Before I begin, today we have a special video presentation.
It comes to us from a fre Roll tape! ["WONDERWALL" BY OASIS PLAYING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Today is gonna be the day That they're gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now Backbeat, the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before - But you never really had a doubt - [LAUGHING.]
I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now And all the roads we have to walk are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I would like to say to you But I don't know how Because maybe You're gonna be the one that saves me And after all You're my wonderwall I said maybe You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me [LAUGHING.]
[GIRL.]
Fuck! [LAUGHS.]
Kate Messner will you go out with me? [GIRL.]
Oh, God.
[STARGROVE.]
Uh, camera two, pan to camera one.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LUKE.]
Kate? - Yes.
- Ha! - [STUDENTS GASPING.]
- [BOY.]
Yes! [CHUCKLES.]
She was using me But I didn't care Don't you leave me now Just don't you dare Can't you understand? With the hold of my hand Love is everywhere Except where I stand Boys of the world Just listen to me If you meet a girl With looks to a tee It might be okay For a little while But think seriously Is that your style? Can't you understand With the hold of my hand Love is everywhere Except where I stand
[EMALINE LAUGHING.]
So I made him show me his dick.
And then, I swear to God, his dick was pierced right through the tip.
Yeah! And then I told Oliver about it, and he got so mad.
[LAUGHING.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, God.
My boobs are so huge right now! Every time I get my period, they quadruple in size.
Look at them, I'm serious.
- Feel them! They're like swollen.
- Ew, gross.
Get away.
Hey, sweetie.
You wanna feel 'em? What? [GASPS.]
Oh, my God! Did anyone just see that? Kate Messner just touched my boobs! She seriously just grabbed them! Lesbo much? [CHUCKLES.]
["RE-FEEL-IT" BY BETTIE SERVEERT PLAYING.]
Funny how we run around And see what we got We don't even know what it is we found Hello.
Hey, Mom.
Hey.
Wow! [CHUCKLES.]
- What's the occasion? - There's no occasion.
Babe, you just made my day.
[KISSES.]
Child protective services drop by? Yep.
They always do, and the fake mustache worked like a charm.
- How's school? - Coolio.
I joined the A/V club.
Coolio.
I bet you fit right in.
- And I'm dissecting a frog in science.
- Ugh.
Named it "Gorf.
" How'd you come up with that? Well, it's "frog" spelled backwards.
Oh.
Duh.
Well, rest in peace, Gorf.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I, uh met someone.
A girl.
Really? Well, tell me about her.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
She's in A/V.
She's really artistic.
But not in an obvious way, just is.
And she's really into music and really pretty.
She is all that and a bag of chips.
Sounds like it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna ask her out.
I just gotta figure out how.
Any ideas? Well, I don't know.
Hey, I hope I hope you'll be safe.
Oh! Oh, no.
Mom, how did you get that from me saying that - I know - Oh, ew.
You think you're not, but you're at that age.
And sometimes in high school, we forget to look before we leap like Gorf.
Or like when you got pregnant with me? Mmm.
- I did not mean it like that.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Gotcha.
Luke, you're the best thing that's happened to me, you know that? Okay, look.
You know what I think you should do? What? I think, when the time is right, you should tell her exactly how you feel.
And you do it in the most "you" way possible.
Thanks, Mom.
So what's her name? [SCOTT.]
For lunch today, Sloppy Joes.
But personally, I think they should be called Sloppy Scotts on a Jessica Betts bun.
Oh, my God.
You are so inappropriate.
Those are your morning announcements.
Have a Boring day.
[STARGROVE.]
And we're clear.
[SCOTT.]
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[JESSICA.]
I know.
Hey, focus working okay? Oh, yeah.
It's fine.
Oh, wait! I was thinking.
- Maybe you could come over - I got to get to geometry.
[EXHALES.]
Next time, Luke.
Is he trying to open that Surge with his mind? No, he's just upset with me.
That's an understatement.
He's going to ask out Kate Messner because she called him cute.
- Holy shit.
How you gonna do it? - [LUKE.]
Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
Any ideas? Do it while jumping out of a plane without a parachute.
Wait, that's what you're doing.
Remember in Point Break when he jumps without a chute? He's like, "Gee-yah"! Then he jumps.
He breaks both his knees, but it turns out okay.
- He does not say "gee-yah.
" - I think he does.
Is that before or after he gets his best friend killed? Will you stop it, McQuaid? She's really nice and smart.
You'd like her if you weren't so judgmental all the time.
Seriously, I might have a chance with this girl.
You could be happy for me.
My apologies.
You have my support.
Thanks.
[CHUCKLES.]
Where is your lady love? [GIRL.]
Did you hear Kate Messner totally felt-up Emaline Addario during gym? I always knew there was something weird about that girl.
If Kate's really a lesbian, does that mean she has AIDS? Like the guy from Real World? - Yeah.
- Probably.
[GIRL 2 GASPS.]
This is kinda freaking me out.
[GIRL.]
It should.
I wouldn't even let her breathe on me.
[FEEDBACK WHINES.]
Will Kate Messner please report to the principal's office? Kate Messner, please report to the principal's office.
Oh, my God.
[OLIVER.]
Unbelievable.
[SCOFFS.]
Harlot! Fallen woman! Street walker! Say, what? Pretty much everyone's been saying you got felt up by some chick in the girl's locker room.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yawn, yesterday's goss.
Is it true? Is it true? 'Tis true.
God damn it.
A lady's touch upon my bosom hath awoken such curious and mysterious feelings within me! I'm not playing a scene with you now, okay, Emaline? - Oh, how my heart yearns for her! - [BELL RINGS.]
How my loins quake! How free I feel on this merry day! You know, this is why you'll never be a good actress.
Okay? You're out of touch with your inner truth, you can't have a genuine conversation.
Honestly, I feel bad for you.
Well, you have a tiny dick.
[STUDENTS.]
Oh! We're done.
All right? It's over, that's it.
Fine.
[STUDENTS.]
Oh! Bitch! My grandma gave me those.
[SIGHS.]
She has diabetes! Dad? Kate Messner! Come on in! What do you want? You asked me to treat you like any other student, so I am.
Take a seat.
Janitor Steve informed me about some crassly worded vandalism, graffiti really, that showed up on a locker this morning.
Turns out that locker was yours.
It said "Dyke," which is a derogatory term - for when a woman has romantic - I know what it means.
Okay.
I'm just trying to figure out who did this.
Yeah.
You know, has anyone been mean or picking on ya recently? I mean, why would someone do that? Because people are stupid.
Hey, sweetie, uh I wouldn't take it personally.
I bet they didn't even know whose locker it was.
Everything else okay? Yeah.
Okay.
Back to class, young lady.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
You can do this.
You can do this.
Okay.
Hey.
- How's it going? - Um I've had better days.
Oh, yeah? I was just thinking about you.
You were? I love this.
I know it's, uh, super popular or whatever, but track three's kinda saving my life right now.
Hmm.
Which one's that again? By now you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now I wonder who he's singing about.
Don't you? Backbeat, the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before I gotta go.
Uh, I'll see ya later? Absolutely.
"There was s-something my, my" "Mysterious.
" Can't you just invent, like a robot, that will read this to me or something? I wish.
Not with my limited knowledge and resources.
But when the do robots take over, none of this will matter.
We'll just be brains floating in tanks.
Slaves of virtual stimulation and synthetic automated nourishment.
What ever gets me out of remedial.
Guys, I've got it.
But I need your help.
["TWO PRINCES" BY SPIN DOCTORS PLAYING.]
Yeah One, two, princes kneel before you That's what I said now Princes, princes who adore you Just go ahead now One has diamonds in his pockets And that's some bread now This one said he wants To buy you rockets Ain't in his head now Yeah This one got a princely racket That's what I said now Got some big seal upon his jacket Ain't in his head now Go, go! Marry him, your father will condone you How 'bout that now? Marry me, your father will disown you He'll eat his hat now Marry him or marry me I'm the one that loves you baby Can't you see? I ain't got no future or a family tree But I know what a prince and lover Ought to be I know what a prince and lover Ought to be Said if you want to call me baby Just go ahead now And if you like to tell me maybe - Testing, one, two, three.
- Dad.
Levels? Crash.
For today's video installment of the Life and Times of Mr.
Leroy O'Neil, that's me, I want to say a few words about gratitude.
Some days it feels like life's gone to shit.
Days like today, where I'm just happy to be alive.
I'm healthy.
I have a job.
I have a woman and my son, little Luke'em Nuke'em.
He might be the smartest, most passionate little man on this planet.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's five.
Kid's blowing my mind.
[MOM.]
Leroy, hey, dinner's ready.
[DAD.]
Come in.
- What are you doing? - Look at you.
Come here.
- Come here.
- Okay.
Hi.
I love you.
I love you, too.
[DAD.]
Come here.
- Say hi to camera? - [MOM.]
Are you recording this? Leroy, I look like a train wreck.
[LEROY.]
Hey, you look beautiful.
[MOM.]
Smooth talker.
Dinnertime.
This may not be the life that, uh, that I imagined for myself, but god damn, it's a good one.
[STATIC CRACKLES.]
Many mumbling mice Dancing in the moonlight, mighty nice Many mumbling mice Dancing in the moonlight, mighty nice Many mumbling mice, Dancing in the moonlight, mighty nice - Kate? - [JESSICA.]
Good job.
How was the range? Hey, Leslie.
I heard something about you today.
Something upsetting.
Are you a homo? No! That's ridiculous.
Of course it is! I mean, ew, gross.
[CHUCKLES.]
Either way, I hope you overcome this.
I'll pray for you.
Thanks.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Play this.
What's on it? Can't tell you that.
- [GROANS.]
Come on.
Is it inappropriate? - No.
- All right.
What's in it for me? - Really? Yeah.
- Um, Luke? - One sec.
- What's in it for me? - Luke.
- Just [GRUNTS.]
- All right.
Six pack of Jolt? - Was that so hard? - Thank you.
New information has come to light, and your odds with Kate are potentially compromised.
I think you should reconsider doing this.
What are you talking about? New information.
It's just a rumor.
It's probably garb.
But I just heard Ooh, you're jealous.
Jealous? Yes.
Jealous.
That's why you've been negative about this, right? That's absurd.
I'm always negative.
Listen, we're still gonna be friends after I get a girlfriend.
You just gotta stop worrying so much.
Oh, man! Everyone's gonna shit when they see this! In a good way.
See.
They're gonna shit.
In a good way.
Good Morning, BHS! I'm Jessica Betts.
And I'm Scott Pocket.
Scott Pocket Before I begin, today we have a special video presentation.
It comes to us from a fre Roll tape! ["WONDERWALL" BY OASIS PLAYING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Today is gonna be the day That they're gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now Backbeat, the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before - But you never really had a doubt - [LAUGHING.]
I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now And all the roads we have to walk are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I would like to say to you But I don't know how Because maybe You're gonna be the one that saves me And after all You're my wonderwall I said maybe You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me [LAUGHING.]
[GIRL.]
Fuck! [LAUGHS.]
Kate Messner will you go out with me? [GIRL.]
Oh, God.
[STARGROVE.]
Uh, camera two, pan to camera one.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LUKE.]
Kate? - Yes.
- Ha! - [STUDENTS GASPING.]
- [BOY.]
Yes! [CHUCKLES.]
She was using me But I didn't care Don't you leave me now Just don't you dare Can't you understand? With the hold of my hand Love is everywhere Except where I stand Boys of the world Just listen to me If you meet a girl With looks to a tee It might be okay For a little while But think seriously Is that your style? Can't you understand With the hold of my hand Love is everywhere Except where I stand