Exploding Kittens (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[dramatic music playing]
[man screaming]
Please, please make it stop!
[crying] No more biting nipple hamsters!
I beg you!
I'm sorry I made my family watch movies
I repent! I repent!
[demonic voice] I'll take it from here.
Hello, Doug.
I am Beelzebub.
If you thought this was painful,
wait until the dark Mephistopheles
tortures you with
cringey dad jokes!
[in normal voice] Okay, where did
Gargle the Defiler keep his armies?
[Doug] Uh
In his sleevies!
[Beelzebub laughing]
[goblin sighing]
[clearing throat] Beelzebub, the board
of directors wants to see you now.
Boy, am I glad your father isn't here
to see this.
He was the greatest Satan ever. The man
who designed the Trader Joe's parking lot.
Meanwhile, we're getting reports
that you're torturing humans
with laggy internet, Baby Shark,
and horseradish-flavored Pepsi?
Horseradish-flavored Diet Pepsi.
And now,
we hear you're doing Segway tours.
You've added waterfront dining
to the River Styx.
Look, we're sending you up to Earth.
Heaven recently sent God there
in a cat's body,
and we think that's a pretty good idea
we could steal as our own.
Go up and work on your evil game.
My evil game doesn't need work.
Okay, bon voyage, Your Excellency.
[gavel banging]
- [dramatic music playing]
- [Beelzebub screaming]
[rattling]
Oh!
[yowls]
[dramatic music playing]
Long story short, I've come
to make your life here hell on earth!
Mw-ha-ha-ha-ha
[choking]
- [coughs]
- [mouse squeaking]
Yeah, is Hell even that bad?
I heard it got way better
once you guys added that Fast Pass.
I had to. The lines were insane.
I did make signing up annoying, though.
There's a whole email confirmation step
and Hey!
As Lord Satan, I command you
to open this enchanted robot wall!
- [banging]
- Open the door! Open it!
[heavenly tone plays]
[horns honking]
- [soft music playing]
- [label machine clicking]
Marv, Mr. Bulkington wants
to see you in his office right away.
[Marv whimpering]
[Mr. Bulkington] Marv,
some people might look down there
and just see folks shopping,
but what I see is 640 ounces
of canola oil finding a new home.
Y Yes, sir. Very oily, sir.
Marv, I called you in because
the world's biggest tartar sauce company
approached us to do a promotion.
As it happens,
our town of Horkville is where
Tartar sauce was invented in 1904,
when a mayonnaise wench was crushed
under a pickle wagon.
Hey, I I have a great idea.
Let's do a reenactment here in the store.
You sure?
That's a lot to take on, isn't it?
Sir, I've done reenactments my whole life.
I've done Civil War,
Korean War, the War on Drugs.
I played a methadone suppository.
Okay, Higgins. If you pull this off,
it could mean a promotion.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go shoot paintballs
at the new bag boy.
Made eye contact with me
in the parking lot. I won't have it.
[laughs]
[both laughing]
[grunting]
[inhales sharply]
- [chains clinking]
- [groaning]
Must you do that, Mother?
Between the chains and the groaning,
you sound like a ghost with hemorrhoids.
Hey, anyone seen
my catnip-infused teddy bear?
I need a new afternoon activity,
and I'm bored
of leaving dead seagulls in your hampers.
What up, Mom? Hey, could you give
Aidan and me a ride to Big Bulk?
We're going to do the Non-Toxic Challenge.
[chuckles] It's when you see
how much non-toxic cleaning product
you can drink
before you actually get sick.
Okay, no more TikTok hashtag whatevers.
You should be doing something useful,
like exercising with me.
Yeah, no, I'm not taking you to Big Bulk.
[Aidan growling, grunting]
I can't believe you would embarrass me
in front of Aidan like that, Mom.
Do you have any idea
how Internet-famous he is?
He's "Kid Who Ate a Sack of Nickels."
[car door opens, closes]
You guys, my boss asked me
to organize a re-enactment at work
about the creation of tartar sauce.
Wow. I haven't seen you this excited
since our wedding night.
I took him to Star Wars on Ice.
Oh yes, I recall that tartar flood.
I familiarized myself with it
when I made a diorama
on corporate negligence
for personal amusement.
This is why you spent prom night alone
at the Bug Museum.
The tartar company cut safety protocols
to save money.
A vat came loose and unleashed a river
of tartar, drowning 23.
Perhaps I could help.
A true father-daughter activity.
Ah. That's what my dad used to call it
when he made me play catch.
[ominous music plays]
[sighing]
You dare tip over my food bowl.
Who, me? Beelzebub, Lady Of Darkness,
whose mission on Earth is to torture you?
Mw-ha-ha-ha-ha!
I mean, "torture" is a strong word.
Let's face it, you're bad at your job.
That's why they sent you here.
Ah-oh. They made a mistake
sending me here. I am evil.
Why do you think I stole all the jewels
from your sandy treasure chest?
"Sandy treasure chest"?
Wait, do you still not know
what a litter box is?
Enough! You don't think I'm evil?
Well, take a look at your friend.
Teddy McYummyBelly? No!
- [Beelzebub chuckling]
- [Godcat] Oh!
That is it. It's go time!
This is the big fight.
Good versus evil.
[dramatic music playing]
Foolish, pot-bellied cat God,
evil always wins.
[both growling]
[both meowing, grunting]
No.
[laughs]
[laughing] Whoa.
Look at those dumb cats.
I've got to put this on my livestream.
- [dramatic music continues]
- [yelling]
[screaming]
[screaming]
Wow! He went off like chili
in the microwave, didn't he?
And so, in summation, I'm sorry.
Yes, I'm here on Earth to become evil,
but I didn't intend to incinerate children
using magical fireballs.
Well, maybe children who cry on airplanes,
but no other children.
Look. We all wanna murder Aidan,
but there's a stupid law
that says we can't.
So, go up to Heaven and bring him back.
[scoffs] You think we'd let
that walking vape pen into Heaven?
[scoffs] He's like an onion ring
that learned how to cuss.
Wait, Aidan is in Hell?
Teenagers don't go to Hell.
They go to heck. It's like juvie.
If you behave, you get reincarnated
into a butterfly or whatever.
If not, you go to Hell.
Demons barbecue your nuts,
eat your boobs,
do Borat impressions, all that.
Well, we've got to get him back!
I actually shouldn't be telling you this,
but there is a way you can sneak down
and bring him back.
Either I can enchant a porta-potty
that's been marinating
in the sun for two days,
or you can walk in
through an Imagine Dragons concert.
[dramatic music playing]
[Travis gags]
You'll be fine. Oh, and don't forget
to get out of there in under two hours,
or you'll be stuck there forever.
Okay, bye.
[both screaming]
Wait, I forgot.
I'm gonna need a can opener
because I'm about to open
a whoop can of ass.
I hope you like unbearably long stretches
of excruciating pain.
Ha! Are you kidding me?
I'm the one who invented open mic nights.
Let's do this.
- Armageddon!
- Armageddon!
Wait, doesn't like the sky rain blood,
or the Earth opens up or something?
What's it say in that book you wrote?
Um
Oh stop! I knew it.
You didn't write a word of that book.
I sat in
on the blue sky session with the writers,
and I came up with the title
"The Holly Bibble."
Hmm.
If this is the actual big-time Armageddon,
aren't we gonna need like
a plague of locusts?
Where do we get those?
[dramatic music plays]
Now, Kendra, remember: you love your
husband, but not romantically.
He's a decent man,
but your true soulmate is your cousin.
Hey, Roy. We're better than single ply.
We're in the theater business now.
I got to have that quad ply.
Greta, I think I'm really getting the hang
of this director thing.
I just screamed
at my assistant for like no reason.
Wow. So how are you going to depict
the deadly tartar flood?
I saw some frozen turkeys in aisle two
that you can dress up as drowned corpses.
People don't want to see all that.
You can't just skip over the fact
that people died.
That'd be like directing Titanic
but cutting out the guy
who bounced off the smokestack.
Corporate greed cannot dictate history.
Corporate greed? Ha. Sounds like Big Bulk.
Old Percy here got his arm caught
in the trash compactor,
and they wouldn't even pay
for a proper prosthetic.
Yeah, and, you know, the employee restroom
is just a bucket out back.
I never get lunch breaks,
and our dental plan is just a shoebox
full of loose teeth they found
in the parking lot.
- Not fair. I'm trying to keep my job.
- This is ridiculous.
- I got no benefits.
- I need sustenance.
Are you all familiar
with the term "collective bargaining"? No?
Have you ever seen a lion being
devoured by hyenas? Same principle.
But, Greta, we were supposed to
[groaning]
Marv, I have the new script pages
for the love scene
between the pickle and the mayonnaise.
Agh!
I said NC-17, damn it. This is barely R!
- [Abbie screaming]
- [both grunt]
[Travis] Whoa. We're in Hell.
Uh, Heck, I guess.
[Abbie] What is Hell for a teenager?
- [both gasp]
- TJ Maxx on a Saturday?
[ominous music playing]
- [screaming]
- [laughing]
[screaming]
[laughs]
The crotch looks loose.
Is the crotch loose?
No!
Oh. I think I'm gonna be sick.
Come on.
Aidan is probably a few levels in by now.
Agh! I don't know
why you hang out with that kid anyway.
Um, because his life is dope,
and his folks
don't diss everything he likes.
They leave him home alone
for weeks at a time.
Yesterday, I got to pet a deer
that wandered through the living room.
[gasps] A wooden plaque
with two mice doing house chores?
Ooh. Sold!
[man on intercom] Unauthorized adult!
Unauthorized adult!
- [both gasp]
- Unauthorized adult! Unauthorized adult!
- Unauthorized adult! Unauthorized adult!
- [grunting]
[Godcat humming]
Okay, where would Armageddon be?
I guess I'll just start at the end.
So the label on the locusts says
they're all freeze-dried.
We can toss 'em in the air fryer
to wake 'em up.
Armageddon, pages 1113 through 1272? Oof.
Hey, look!
[dramatic music plays]
This will be a time saver.
[suspenseful music playing]
[whistle blowing]
Welcome to the second level of Heck,
where you'll be doing
the Presidential Fitness Challenge.
[blows whistle]
First, you're gonna climb,
then you're gonna pull
[groaning]
then you're gonna run against
roided-out cheetahs.
[cheetahs growling]
Look, there's the exit. Let's go.
Then I want 50 push-ups,
or I make you all wear short shorts
that haven't been washed since the '90s!
Quick, sit-ups.
Okay. When the coach moves,
make a break for that exit.
Travis, your form. Ugh.
This is what you always wanted, right?
Me being forced to do something miserable
and sweaty with you.
Like when you signed
us up for "Mommy and Me Krav Maga."
Sorry for wanting
to spend quality time with my child
while giving him the gift
of improved core strength.
You know, when I was 14,
I was already Regional Sit-Up Champion.
Oh, your mom must have been so proud.
I'm sure she hung it up next to your
Cross-Fitted Lumber Squats trophy.
Pfft! Ah! Wrong. My mother never hung up
any of my awards.
In fact, she didn't approve
of anything I liked.
That's why I left home to join the Navy.
Really, that's why we don't
That's why we don't speak anymore.
[groaning]
[Aidan] Please, no more. Make it stop!
That's him! Let's go.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [cheetahs growling]
[Travis panting]
- [suspenseful music playing]
- [both panting]
[Aidan groaning]
Please, I don't need a tea cozy.
I don't even drink tea.
Oh, dear God, I hate arts and crafts.
I remember when hamburgers cost a nickel.
Oh yes. A hammy fiver.
Richard used to love those.
This was before the war, of course.
Please stop.
Nobody knows who Richard is.
What war? [groaning]
How many megapixels do I need
if I wanna call my grandson?
- I have some AOL floppies in my purse.
- [beeps]
Wait, wait. Wait, there it goes.
I'm getting his voicemail.
Hello? Philip? It's me, Nana.
Dot com. How are the kids?
I saw this documentary the other day
about processed corn.
[groaning]
Nobody wants that kind of voice mail!
We've got to help him.
[gasps] I have an idea.
[suspenseful music playing]
Werther's Originals!
Your favorite! Go get 'em.
- [demons growling]
- [music intensifies]
All these years,
I wondered what the fifth element was.
- Turns out, it's love.
- [Godcat sobbing softly, sniffling]
[sighing]
Who is this Bruce Willis?
Is he some God I don't know?
I've never seen him at any of the meetups.
Yo, Marv. Where's that sample stand
with the mini crab cakes?
Not now. I'm trying to bond with Greta,
but she convinced my employees
to strike and
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Kids say the darndest things.
Anyhow, where can a cat get
some crab cakes
before he starts
the Look Who's Talking trilogy?
Hey, when I was looking for locusts,
I grabbed this.
It was the last one on the shelf.
[gasps] A new Teddy McYummyBelly?
[sniffs] Mmm. That's a nice strain of nip.
Sweet, piney,
with just a hint of raccoon scat.
[whimsical music playing]
This has been nice. I can't remember
the last time I watched a movie.
My schedule is just blah.
Ugh! Same. Between the emails
and the Zoom calls.
Like, hey, where's the calendar invite
for living my life?
Totally. Thank you.
Actually, after I finish working
on my evil game,
I figured I'd take a few days
for myself up here.
Hey. Any recommendations for a demon?
Oh, you would love Florida.
When I was shaping the continents,
I thought it'd be funny
to make America look like
it had a flaccid penis.
Then I filled it base to tip
with human garbage.
- [sighs] Mmm.
- Mmm.
[both chuckle]
[Beelzebub belches]
What did you do that for?
I just figured
it'd screw over that Marv guy.
Be evil. You get it.
Also, destroying things
while in cat form? Super satisfying.
Whoa!
I'm trying to help
Marv and the family, and
Wait a minute.
I just remembered I hate you.
Oh yeah! I hate you too.
Okay, Armageddon is back on,
and there's a stage right here
so everyone can watch me
Marie Kondo your organs!
One hour.
Fine!
[dramatic music plays]
[Godcat groans]
- [suspenseful music playing]
- [panting]
[all panting]
[Keith] Oh, oh. Oh, Linda!
[Linda] Oh, Keith! [laughs]
Mom?
Oh, Stepdad Keith?
[exclaims]
[Aidan panting]
[screaming]
Oh God! So much body hair!
And none of it in the places I want!
[man] Now playing Abbie Higgins'
most listened to song on Spotify.
Wake me up! Wake me up inside ♪
[dramatic music playing]
[music intensifies]
- The hallways are just getting longer.
- Stop. Hold on.
When I did the #selfhelpchallenge,
I had to learn to face my demons
using nonlinear thinking.
We can't keep running from them.
[all screaming]
[loud thud]
Okay. We're almost out of
Agh!
What What are they?
My worst enemies.
They are trolls.
It's the "horky-porky" kid.
He went viral for dancing the hokey-pokey.
You put your right foot in
You put your left foot out ♪
[all laughing]
Hey, he was like four years old.
He hadn't even learned to wipe yet.
[laughing continues]
No, Mom, don't.
You can't use logic with trolls.
They'll just multiply.
Just ignore the idiotic things they say,
no matter how hard it is.
- You'll never go viral for anything else.
- Pineapple on pizza's delicious.
Avatar rocked.
Ben Affleck is the best Batman!
Please, react. Please!
If you don't react, we don't exist!
No!
[all screaming]
[man] Ladies and Gentlemen,
please welcome Imagine Dragons!
- [people cheering]
- [boys groaning]
[Greta] Daytime manager Higgins,
I've been sent here by your labor force
with a list of their demands.
Bathroom breaks?
Name tags?
Look, if people cared what our names were,
we wouldn't be working at Big Bulk.
We'd be working somewhere fancy,
like Kmart.
Very well. Workers, we strike!
[patriotic music playing]
[all cheering] Strike! Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
- Strike!
- Well, the show must go on.
[dramatic music playing]
Suit-ius Carne Asad-ius!
Time to meat your maker.
All-day comfort and protection!
Sorry. I didn't have a line prepared.
I just read the first thing I saw
on the tampon box.
Armageddon!
[both yelling]
Ya, ha, ha.
[both grunting]
[music continues]
- [Godcat groaning]
- [Beelzebub laughing]
[groaning]
That's my bad hamstring,
the one I pulled in that three-way.
[music continues]
[gasping]
Oh the pain!
My arm! It was USDA prime.
Possibly Wagyu.
Now it's time for you
to Die Hard with a Vengeance.
[chainsaw buzzing]
[sighing]
I can't do it.
'Tis not the way of Lord Willis.
[whirring]
[dramatic music playing]
[screaming]
[people screaming]
Help! I can't swim!
Yippee-ki-yay, mother
[all] Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
[gasping]
[all] Strike! Strike! Strike!
[whimpering]
[engine starts]
[whimpers]
Look out!
[Greta groaning]
Ha!
Father!
The absorption coefficient.
How did you know?
Like I said, we got to have that quad ply.
[chuckling]
Yeah, it It was earlier.
You You weren't there.
[both coughing]
- You saved my life.
- [Godcat sighs]
Yeah. It's no big deal. I just
[gasping]
- Teddy! Hold on! I'm coming for
- No! Godcat, it's too dangerous!
No!
This is your fault.
Back off or next time,
you'll be served here as a free sample.
Wait, you're saying I was so evil today
I made your life a living hell?
It's working!
[in demonic voice]
Earth is making me horrible!
[birds chirping]
Hey, buddy. I'm sorry I didn't drive you
here when you asked.
Look, my mom never cared
about the things I was into,
but I wanna be involved in your life.
Otherwise, you might become like Aidan.
Not a chance. You have no idea
how much shampoo I've seen him drink.
Suck it! [laughs]
[moaning, groaning]
Greta, listen.
I'm sorry I didn't walk the picket line
with you.
I got too caught up
in trying to make you think I was cool.
Father, I think you're cooler
than absolute zero.
Hey, my dad used to call me
absolute zero too.
- [Greta chuckles]
- Mmm.
It It was mean when when he said it.
I know.
Hey, everybody gather 'round.
Look what I got for you.
Name tags!
Ooh.
[uplifting music playing]
[all cheering]
[man] It has my name. My name!
[Godcat slurping]
[groaning] Stupid devil, can't even swim.
How does she expect to run Hell?
If I [gasps]
[dramatic sting]
[exclaims]
[trippy music playing]
[Teddy squeaking]
[Godcat moaning]
[Godcat chuckling]
I'm never letting you go. [laughs]
[dramatic music playing]
[upbeat music playing]
[music ends]