F is For Family (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Do you want to tell me what this is? - What? - This.
This failure notice from your school? If you're an expert on what it is, why did you have to ask me? Don't start.
Honestly, Kevin, you're in danger of failing every class you have.
Not every class.
I'm acing speech.
- What did you say? - I said I'm acing speech! Aah! Your father's gonna have an absolute stroke, and you can clean him with a sponge.
- Fine, I will! - Mom! - Leave your sister alone.
- All right, all right, all right! Can't I have one day without any upsetment? I'm gonna ride to the railroad tracks.
- Oh, no, you are not.
- Yeah, I am.
Honestly, do you think you get to live your life not doing anything your mother wants not following any of your mother's rules, just to make her go insane? You are gonna make me go completely insane.
That is what's gonna happen.
Dad's home.
We will not say a word about this to your father until after supper and his food has settled.
- Fine, I'll wait till he farts.
- Lower your voice! Ah! Son of a bitch! Fuckin' American cars.
No wonder the Japs are beating us.
Ah, hey, buddy.
At least somebody in this family gives a shit about me.
Hey, stop it.
Get off.
Get Get off me.
Goddamn it, Major.
Hey, Frank! Hey, you got big plans for the weekend? I'm taking my boat to the lake, gonna do a little wave humping.
You should come along and, uh we'll do some humping together.
Right on! Oh, hiya, honey.
Mm.
How was your day? Ah, it was a rough one.
I had to help Ed's widow clean out his locker.
- Oh, that poor woman.
- One minute everything's fine, Ed's walking around the tarmac with his head attached to his body like it always is.
The next thing you know Ugh.
- Chair.
- The dick-tator has spoken.
Oh, don't start with me, you fuckin' disappointment.
I had to hose a man's face off the tarmac today, all right? I need a little peace.
TV.
Damn, Colt! Them Fong Brothers are gonna turn you into teriyaki! - They'll try, Fruity.
- What you gonna do? Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man does.
Hold this.
You a rearry bad man, Cort Ruger! Kung fu! You two dumplings are about to get pan-fried.
No substitutions.
Oh, no! Me being burned alive! And once again, justice is served.
How can you watch this? It's barbaric.
It's art.
Beautiful, beautiful art.
My skin is bubbling! Hey, I got an idea.
If you don't like this, go to your room and watch whatever you want on your TV.
Oh, that's right, you don't have one 'cause it's my fuckin' house.
That's real funny, Dad.
You know what else is funny? - Aside from your haircut? What? - This.
- Bella Abzug? - No.
- This! - What the hell is this? - Kevin! - He's flunking out and you knew about this? - I wanted your food to settle! - Unbelievable.
Unbelievable! You got one job: pay attention and pass your classes.
- That's two jobs! - No son of mine is gonna flunk out.
I don't care.
I hate school! Well, I hate my life, but I keep on doing it! I got a mortgage, I got dependents, and I gotta go downtown every damn day to run that airport! Please, you're just a baggage handler.
What the fuck did you just call me? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Frank, go hit your boxing bag.
Kevin, room.
Ah, shit! Who the fuck puts a car in a garage? I'm sorry, I thought you were gonna be happy tonight.
Never assume that! 1x02 - "Saturday Bloody Saturday" Oh - This is nice, Sue.
- Mm.
Can you even remember the last time we just spent a whole Saturday in bed? Dad! Nope.
Here we go.
- Frank.
- What? - As beautiful as it is - Right.
Ew.
Daddy, Bill flicked his cereal at me.
- Knock it off, Bill.
- She started it.
Well, I started you, and I can end you.
Be nice to your sister.
Someday you'll be sleeping on her couch after your first divorce.
Frank, I know you have some things to do today, but please don't forget, this is my big day to organize the orders.
Oh, right.
I'm on it.
Kids, don't bother your mom today.
She's got important work to do, packing up that shit she sells around the neighborhood.
- It's called Plast-A-Ware! - You're right.
Plast-A-Ware.
So while Mommy's busy with her little hobby - It's a job! - Yes, fine, a job.
I need you two to play nice with each other and don't get in any trouble.
And I am putting you in charge of your sister today.
- You got that? - Yep.
Okay, if anything bad happens to her, I want you to call me at work.
- Okay, buddy? - Sure, Dad.
Good, 'cause then I will come right home, and I will put you through that fuckin' wall.
Have a great day, princess.
- Dad put me in charge of you.
- Good for you.
- So you have to do what I say.
- Okay.
- Can I go get my coloring book? - Yes, you can.
Thanks.
This is easy.
Maureen! See you later, stupid! Ah, shit! - Hey.
Get up, son.
- Oh, come on, I was having a dream about not being part of this family.
That's great.
Come on.
It's important.
Where you taking me? Hey, Frank! She wouldn't leave.
- Capricorns, right? - Ah, that guy.
Where we going? I'm not getting a haircut.
Look, I'm sorry I'm flunking out, but History's not my fault.
I wasn't gonna say this, but Mr.
Hackett's a perv.
Like, a major perv.
He's always brushing up against me.
I'm pretty sure I gave him a boner.
Look, I realize no matter how much I yell and scream, you're never gonna change.
You're not gonna do better in school, and your mother and I have accepted that.
We're not gonna fight you on this anymore.
So I guess you're done with school.
And you know what? That's fine.
- Oh.
Cool.
- So we decided to sell you to the Army.
- What? - Yep.
- You are going to Vietnam.
- What? It's called "Troubled Youths To Southeast Asia," or something like that.
- It's an early-induction program.
- What the hell are you talking about?! Good, good, that's great.
Get all that attitude outta your system now, because your commanding officer's probably not gonna stand for it.
You can't do this to me.
It isn't legal.
Yeah, it is.
It's a new program.
A lot of parents are really excited about it.
It's a "can't lose.
" You're done with school, and we might get a nice folded flag out of it.
Ah, would you look at that.
Hey, we better hurry, your flight to Saigon leaves in an hour.
This is bullshit! Where are you taking me?! Where are you taking me?! Mm here we go! You can't do this to me! Wait, I'll be good! - Father, please! - Oh, and if you see a six-year-old running away from you, he's about to compromise your position.
So, what you want to do is shoot him right in the back of the head.
A brain stem shot.
All right? And don't worry, don't worry, - everything's fair game over there.
- No! You hold him up on your bayonet for the others to see.
- It's all about sending a message.
- I want to go home, Daddy! Ah, we all want to go home, Kevin.
But sometimes you have to destroy an entire culture first before that's possible.
And I'll tell you right now, if the Vietnamese are anything like the Koreans, - they're very tough to de-bone.
- No, please! I'm so sorry! I don't even know what a brain stem is! I'll work hard in school! I'll be good, okay? D-D-Don't send me to Vietnam! Jesus Christ, Kevin.
You're not going to Vietnam.
What? I'm not? You really think they'd take a 14-year-old flunky? They only take 18-year-old flunkies.
Seriously? That's so fucked up! You are gonna spend the day with me.
So you see what I do to put food on the table for this family.
Then maybe you'll learn to have just a little more respect for your "just a baggage handler" father.
Ah! Piece of shit! Goddamn it! All right, where's Mohican Airways flying you two today? - Syracuse.
- Syracuse, New York! Jewel of the Hudson Valley! Here you go, young man, gate 12.
- Thank you.
- Thank you! Cheap ass Syracuse motherfuckers.
Hope your plane gets hijacked.
- Hey, what do you say, Rosie? - Hey, Frank.
- You remember my boy, Kevin, right? - Oh, hey, kid.
You've grown.
What are you in, seventh, eighth grade now? - Try ninth.
- Shit.
Time sure flies when you work 51 weeks a year.
Where are you fine ladies headed to? - Let's go, genius.
- Sandusky.
- Sandusky, Ohio! - Stupid sarcasm from Dad.
Gotta hang out with him all day.
Sucks! Maureen! Maureen! Where are you? Nice! Let's try this big fucker.
Don't throw that! If Maureen gets hurt, my dad's gonna kill me! - I won't get hurt.
- It's okay, we's insulated.
- I think I'm allergic to my pink pillow.
- This is stupid.
Let's just play something where Maureen won't get hurt.
OK.
Ah, shit! Why does this hurt so much? Should've worn a cup, like me.
Now let me show you where you can get in life when you stay in school.
This right here is what you call the "nerve center" of the whole operation.
You recognize that handwriting? - That's me.
I made out that schedule.
- Gee, Pop, that's cool.
It's not "cool.
" It's important.
Just like air traffic control.
It's all about sequencing and spacing.
- Of lunch? - No, of everything.
Without that schedule, the bags don't get off the planes and the whole airport grinds to a halt.
That leads to a domino effect.
Every airport closes.
Then anarchy sets in.
- Food lines grow - Dad, it's not that big of a deal.
Yeah? Talk to me when we're eating the fucking dog for supper! Murphy! My office! Now! All right, that's the big boss.
I'll be right back.
You stay here.
Do not move your ass from this spot.
You understand me, Einstein? - All right.
Yeah, Dad, I got it.
- Okay, I'll be right back.
Fuck you.
No fucking door's gonna tell me what to do.
Ah, shit! Mm-hm.
Hm.
Hm.
Ooh.
You're a bad one.
See? This is fun, right? - I guess.
- And it's safe.
- You guys ready? - All ready.
Hold your girl balls! Shit! - Maureen! I killed her.
- I want to do it again! No! I don't care if you die, but Dad does.
- I'm not afraid of anything.
- Are you all right, Maureen? The Nazi knows my name! Ah! The joy of children at play.
- You, uh, wanted to see me, Bob? - Sit down.
Frank, it was a horrible way for you to get Ed's job, God rest his soul, but everything happens for a reason and I know you're the guy to turn this department around.
Thank you.
To be honest with you, Ed lost control of his crew.
You see how they've been acting out there? Oh, did I get you? There's no discipline anymore.
So you're the new sheriff and I'm counting on you to lay down the law.
Good skin.
They should make a chicken just of skin.
I'd buy that.
Everybody'd buy that.
To tell you the truth, we were getting ready to let Ed go anyway.
So this terrible accident was kind of a blessing in disguise.
One good thing has come out of this tragedy.
From now on, if you're wearing a tie on the tarmac, - it's gotta be a clip-on.
- That's a nice way to honor his memory.
So listen, I'm hearing some rumblings that Rosie and the baggage handlers are thinking of going on strike.
I'm really counting on you to make sure your men understand that wouldn't be in anybody's best interest.
Oh, they're not gonna strike.
- They're my guys.
They're reasonable.
- That's good.
Because just between you and me and these pieces of poultry, a strike would kill this airline.
Times are tough.
Inflation.
Recession.
Oil embargo.
We're all in this together.
If one side Oh, for Christ's sake, this bucket's only got three biscuits! It's supposed to have four! That's what's wrong with this country! Oh, here it is.
You're in management now, Frank, and we take care of our own.
Here.
We'd like you to have these, courtesy of our CEO, Roger Dunbarton himself.
These are for the game next Sunday.
Corporate seats! Enjoy them.
You're on our team now.
I know you'll come through for us and shut down any of this crazy talk about a strike.
- I can count on you, right? - Uh Yes.
Yes, sir.
- All right, Frank, we're done here.
- Thanks, Bob.
I'm not a stander, Frank.
Bang it harder, man! I'm trying, I'm trying! Come on, you son of a bitch.
Come on! Come on, you little fuckers! Ho-ho! All right, high tar! - Makes your dick hard.
- Oh, hey, man.
It's not stealing if you're on a break.
- Oh, shit, that's Frank's kid.
- Are you gonna tell your dad on us? My dad's a dildo.
Now how about one of those cigarettes? - All right.
- Yeah.
There.
All done.
Now I'm free to enjoy the rest of my day.
Oh, God! Get out of here! Leave me alone! Get out! Ew! All right, Einstein.
Up and at 'em! Ah, shit! Maureen! You said you'd only climb to the first big branch! When are you gonna realize I'm a liar? Hey, look, free eggs! Yuck.
Somebody put a bird in this one! Maureen, get down now! I can't hear you So he forces me to come with him on his day off to learn respect for what he does.
And it's all 'cause he spazzed out when I started flunking a few classes.
Fuck school! Whoa! That'd be a great name for a porno.
Look at that, I didn't even finish tenth grade and I just came up with an idea for a movie.
People still go to school, but they fuck.
I'd watch that.
Everybody would watch that.
Carl, check it out! This one just came in from Boston.
"Lewis Futon.
" Nice.
She's probably banging the mayor.
Better put it on the belt.
Oops! Missed the belt! "Leonora Pender.
" Oh, you dirty pill-billy.
- What are they? - Only one way to find out.
And that's why they call it "experimenting" with drugs.
- Whoa.
Can I have some? - Dude, you're a kid! You can only have one.
Whoa.
- You're gonna be a great father.
- Thanks, man.
- Rosie, you seen my kid? - Thought he was with you.
Ah, geez.
Kid's gonna put me six feet under.
Thanks.
Frank, real quick, real quick.
What did Bob Pogo want to talk to you about? Well, uh he was missing a biscuit.
I didn't do it! Anyway, what did he want, Frank? Pogo was just, you know, he doesn't want you to go on strike.
And look, I know you guys got a beef.
They shouldn't be cutting your overtime pay.
Exactly.
It isn't right.
I mean, we're busting our asses out here.
How much money they gotta make? We're not asking for a lot, man, you know, just spread it around a little bit.
I mean, you understand, right? Rosie, you know I got your back.
I'll always be one of you guys.
If this shit goes down, we can count on you, right? Yeah, Rosie.
Of course you can.
- Good.
- I better go find my kid.
Hey, I hope Pogo didn't eat him! He's too lean, though, right? - Ah - Excuse me, are you the manager here? Why, yes, ma'am, I am.
How can I help you? Don't you backtalk me! - Are you all right? - Do you want my pillow? - Get away from her! - I can't breathe! You just got the wind knocked out of you.
I bet I can go higher this time.
Jesus Christ, Maureen, what's wrong with you?! All day long, if it's not one thing, it's another! I'm just trying to protect you! Do you have a death wish, you stupid fuck?! Ah, shit.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Okay.
Can you walk, or do you want me to carry you? I can walk, but I still want you to carry me, okay? I know that guy.
That's my dad's boss.
It is for about two more seconds.
Here he goes.
Alive alive alive Oh! - What happened to his head?! - Just a second.
Holy shit! - I can't stop watching this.
- Oh, man! Look, look.
Alive.
Dead.
Alive.
Dead.
Alive.
Dead.
I'm gonna put him back together.
Oh! Now he's apart.
I use Head and Shoulders.
Oops! Now just Shoulders.
Oh, don't get ahead of yourself! The Prince of Darkness says you live! Oh, no, you don't! Uh, my dad's probably - I should go find him.
- Okay, see ya.
"I wear a tie because I'm a professional.
" Not anymore.
I'm sorry you had to see all that, but I'm fine now.
Really, I am.
I'm very happy.
I mean, so what if all I really have is I'm a mom and a wife.
And all I have outside of that is Plast-A-Ware.
But I'm happy.
I don't need anything else.
No, no, no, don't go.
Here, more cheese.
I'm really very happy.
Mom? We'll talk later.
Hang on, honey, Mommy's here! Mrs.
Pender, I am so very sorry that something was lost from your luggage in transit.
It's not "something.
" It's my pills.
And they were in that bag! They're for my uterine lining! Are you sure you packed them before you left Boston? Are you suggesting I'm senile, you baggage jockey? This is your fault! You are an absolute disgrace to this once-proud airline.
And if you think I'm gonna stand Whoa! You should see the tape the FAA confiscated.
Ed's head rolled all the way to runway two-niner.
You guys should get back to work.
Oh, man, I got the cramps something bad.
- Really? Are your breasts tender? - No, but I can't feel my balls! Murphy, ma'am.
Frank Murphy.
Well, Frank Murphy, you're about to lose your job! Excuse me, sir? Um I don't know your name, obviously, but um, I found this bottle by the baggage carousel and just thought it might be important? Oh.
Uh Thank you, uh, young man.
Mrs.
Pender, here you are.
Oh.
Well, this still doesn't excuse your rudeness.
Ma'am, I am terribly sorry.
It's 100 percent our fault.
I understand completely.
And your complete lack of professionalism and respect for Excuse me, but um why don't you just shut the fuck up?! Kevin you shouldn't have said that.
That was very rude.
And just because I'm laughing doesn't make it right, okay? You should've shown that lady some respect.
- Why? She'll be dead in a week.
- Yeah, with any luck.
- She sure was pissed.
- Yeah, don't tell your mother! Doesn't that just rock your soul? I gotta tell ya, I-I just don't get it.
Dad, you can't understand progressive rock for the first time.
- You gotta keep listening.
- No, I don't.
When you get to be my age, you can recognize bullshit right out of the gate.
So listen, my boss gave me these tickets to the game next Sunday.
Corporate seats.
You want to go? Really? Yeah, sure.
Thanks, Dad.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
It'll be fun.
Dad, I'm real sorry about my grades.
I'm gonna stop goofing off and make up all my assignments, I swear.
Okay.
Good.
That would really make me proud.
And I'm glad you took me to your job today.
It really opened my eyes.
I shouldn't have called you "just a baggage handler.
" - What you do is remarkable.
- Ah - Thanks, son.
- I mean, what an awful job you have.
Seriously, watching you just have to stand there while that lady came down on you, you were like a human urinal.
- I was I was embarrassed for you.
- Okay.
I mean, like, the humiliation.
- Your soul must be weeping.
- Got it.
I don't know how the human spirit can endure that.
She was literally, like, shoveling her own feces in your mouth.
And you just kept eating it.
- Yeah, you said that already.
- No, I said "urinal.
" Anyway, I don't know how you do it.
Day in and day out humiliating yourself like that.
Crushing your will to go on, just to buy me shoes.
And do I ever thank you for it? No.
No, I don't