Fairview (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1 We begin tonight with the harrowing accusations against world famous rock musician Sammy Sugar.
The musician, who now calls a remote Vietnamese island home, has not been charged with crimes, but numerous people are accusing him of being misogynist, racist, - and generally very gross.
- Cancel culture! Cancel culture has struck again! Mayor Kelly, they're taking down Sammy Sugar for the victimless crime of being terrible to his victims.
Crap.
"Baby, Let's Rock" by Sammy Sugar - is Fairview's anthem.
- Baby, let's rock Our entire lives, we've played it at sports games, weddings, graduations, baptisms.
What song will I blast when I get back a negative pregnancy test? When JCPenney accepts a return on a bathing suit I wore for two years? When our basketball team takes the court on Friday night versus Bedford? Why didn't the victims think of the Bedford game before coming forward?! Hold on! As Fairview's finance director, it is my solemn duty to defend against cancel culture.
I decree we keep playing the song.
The song didn't imprison Instagram models on a submarine.
And I think the worldly public works director who's never left this town will concur.
I'm sorry, but when someone's cancelled, everything they've ever done is gone.
Oh, no.
Who are we talking about? They scrubbed his name from my brain.
My sweet Chelsea, town manager, please tell me you're not surrendering to the woke mob.
They've torn down titans J.
K.
Rowling, Morgan Wallen, Chris Pratt.
You never hear from them unless they're promoting their projects - and out there a lot.
- So we're just gonna roll over?! Come on in, cancel culture with your fair trade tanks! Close down our store selling AR-15s on the impulse rack.
Stop our restaurants from asking how many pumps of caramel we want in our sodas.
Aah.
I'll inform everyone at the next town hall meeting.
I'm sure they'll take it in stride.
- Well, fuck that! - This is cancel culture run amok.
Nowadays, it's like, "Oh, I'm triggered because he pulled a trigger and shot me.
" Sheriff's right.
They cancel you if a man walks into the ladies room and you refuse to drop a deuce while he watches.
- Yeah! - It's true.
Happened to me.
If I may, I just want to say that I once had a traumatizing personal experience with Sammy Sugar.
- Damn it.
- Ah, shit.
A couple decades ago, he stopped through Fairview to look for someone who escaped his tour bus while he was napping.
He tattooed his number to my left titty and said to call him if I ever wanted to live in his private island's nondenominational grope temple.
I'm just glad I forgot my Social Security number in my early twenties, or I'd have been able to get a passport and go.
That was very brave of you, Connie.
What if you went and lived in the forest, and we kept playing the song? - Jesus.
- I understand this is tough, but Sammy Sugar is cancelled, and we need to move on.
Maybe find a new song.
Can we do this? Can we show we're more than a stupid song? - Yeah! - I think so! You're gonna regret this when all your favorite artists are silenced just for doing things that are unspeakable! You heard them, Denise.
The town's on a cancellation crusade, and I just know I'm the next virginal maiden they'll pelt with rocks.
Sure, the town's thirsty for white blood, but you've never done anything like Sammy Sugar.
You fool! The woke mob doesn't need some big reason.
These jackals would cancel God if his plagues didn't use free-range locusts.
- Oh, my God.
- What is it? You see another woman I need to dress more like? That's the reason everyone was staring at me at the meeting.
They know a few years ago, I paid 80 grand to valiantly shoot Zambia's most beloved elderly elephant with a bazooka while it was leashed to a 5G tower.
You're being paranoid.
I'm going to go take a bath.
You promised never to say something that makes me picture you nude! Alright, people, it's closing time.
And that means it's time for the debut of Fairview's new official song! - Whoo! - Alright! I think Fairview will love "Ooo Wee, Ooo Wee, It's Time for a Good Time" by Yimmi, the Balkans' hottest artist.
Yimmi is an international humanitarian and doesn't have any of the baggage that comes with making songs people like.
Alright, here we go.
One, two, three! [Distorted groaning, weird electronic music playing.]
[Woman whispering indistinctly, echoing.]
Is this a certified bop or what? And we haven't even gotten to Yimmi's impassioned plea - to end whale acne.
- I can't take it! Hey, you know what I just decided? We should play "Baby, Let's Rock.
" Don't do it! He's cancelled! We'll all be next at the guillotine! Sammy Sugar's dead to this town! - Yeah! - Yeah! I hate to say it, but they're right.
That song is gone.
And considering how much Fairview loved it, I'm pretty sure Fairview's gone, too.
Baby, let's rock [Humming.]
- Baby, let's rock - Good evening, Kelly.
Aah! Did you break into my house? - Don't change the subject.
- The woke mob has informed the university chancellor and I via Josh Gad's Twitter feed about the cancellation of "Baby, Let's Rock.
" And we are fully supportive because it's right and not because we get off on everyone thinking we're perfect little angels.
First of all, you've never done one thing - to help Sammy Sugar's victims.
- Not true.
Our Medium post titled "Sammy Sugar Fans, We Need To Talk" got almost a dozen little handclaps.
Have you tried shoving the hogs' snouts - into some Yimmi? - What? Did you play Yimmi for the hogs?! - Yes.
They hated it.
- Which track? "Forest Leaves Are Falling in the Forest"? Ooh, that's a good one.
You know the leaves are a metaphor for the subprime mortgage crisis, right? I played "Ooo Wee, Ooo Wee, It's Time for a Good Time.
" Okay, that's also a good one.
They all kind of sound the same, too, which is nice.
Kelly, if you are wavering in your devotion to Sammy Sugar's cancellation, tread lightly, or you will find yourself cancelled.
Lonny, you didn't even touch your lunch birthday cake.
- Everything all right? - I got a huge account today.
A tourist bus jackknifed on the highway, killed everyone inside, and they want me to handle the funerals.
That's wonderful.
What's the problem? This account will most certainly make me the richest, most envied man in Fairview.
The snarling masses will be clawing at our doors.
These people took down Kevin Spacey.
Spacey! - They're not human.
- Then what's your plan? Oh, I've got a plan.
A large swath of this world still accepts Michael Jackson and Woody Allen.
And why? Because they're just too Goddamn talented.
If you had a talent like them, you basically be invincible.
That's right.
And soon I will, because I've been watching YouTube videos about how to do magic.
["Ooo Wee, Ooo Wee, It's Time for a Good Time" playing.]
[Groans.]
- [Button clicks.]
- Baby, let's rock Aah! [Button clicks, music changes.]
- Listening to Yimmi? - Yep, yep, and, uh and that's it.
Good.
[Button clicks, "Baby, Let's Rock" playing.]
Baby, let's rock Okay, while Connie's in the bathroom, let's just say what we know in our hearts.
Fairview needs "Baby, Let's Rock.
" - Yes! - Finally.
And the best time to bring it back is Friday night, when our Red Hawks take the court versus Bedford.
But that doesn't happen unless we convince this town that no matter the forces allied against us, we should just sort of do our thing.
What do you say? I didn't hear what you said because "Baby, Let's Rock" - was playing in my head, but I'm in.
- If the choice is "song I like" versus "feeling bad about song I like," then I'm in.
- Chelsea, you okay? - He was just imagining Fairview without music, cinema, art, joy.
It was all gray.
And for what? Just so there was some basic standard by which human beings should conduct themselves? - I'm in.
- Alright.
Let's get pumped.
- Baby, let's rock - What are y'all listening to? Nothing.
Must've been a trash truck.
Anything else you gotta do in the bathroom? Big time.
Thanks for reminding me.
Just bought us another hour.
Hit it.
Baby, let's rock Alright, Fairview, we have until Friday night to make ourselves okay with playing a song by a cancelled artist who appears to be the worst person in history.
Now, under everyone's seats is a ball.
Moonman, what's ball like? - It's little and it's soft and orange.
- Sounds like a cool ball.
- Do we like ball? - Yeah.
Sounds like we love ball.
- Yeah.
- Guess what? Oh, if it's about ball, I can't handle it.
Ball's all I have! Ball is fine, but ball was made by a bad person.
- Aw.
- Guess what? It's a metaphor - for "Baby, Let's Rock.
" - Ah.
So we can keep ball even if the guy who made ball is bad, right? The woke mob doesn't think so, - but we do.
- Yeah! Connie's still in the gym bathroom, so I'll remind everyone Sammy Sugar forced his housekeeper to live in his crawl space wearing nothing but a spaghetti strap romper.
- That sucks.
- Aw, come on.
Great going, Ashley.
Alright, let's call it a night.
- Feel free to take home ball.
- Cool.
Yes.
Yes! I still see the capacity for shame in their eyes.
If Sammy Sugar's personal chef can crawl five miles through a sewer to safety, then we can keep going.
Pretty neat, huh? It looks like the wand is made of rubber, but it's not.
It's made out of something else.
- Oh, that's amazing, Lonny.
- Amazing enough to overlook that I chartered every seat on a refugee transport to make room for an exploded elephant carcass? - Oh, Lord, no.
- Damn it! I can already feel the liberals hashtagging me limb from limb.
Oh, what if you pulled flowers out of your sleeve? I marry a Philistine, I get Philistine suggestions.
- Just go to bed.
- It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
All the more time to dream of fantastical beasts - with flowers in their sleeve.
- Good night, Lonny.
Elephant, don't tell Denise, but we're doing that flower idea.
Hot damn! Our friend Kelly and I were talking about being humble before the Lord.
- 'Cause we all got flaws, right? - Yeah, I guess we do.
Even me, the humble shepherd of this flock.
My wife, Mary, knows.
Tell him about my flaws, Mary.
- I don't think I should.
- Not ashamed.
Let it rip.
Okay.
We all know that I teach at the Christian academy that me and Pastor Marv founded.
One day, we detected COVID, so we all went home early.
Pastor Marv was not expecting me, and when I walked in, he was eating cereal out of his asshole.
- Tell them what kind of cereal.
- The chocolate one.
Can we get an amen for Sister Mary for testifying the good word? Now, we know the truth Each and every one of you has done the exact same thing I did with the same cereal with the same 2% organic milk shrieking with delight at exactly the same decibel level, because we're human, just like Sammy Sugar.
Right, Mayor Kelly? And let me just add to that and say that I too am flawed.
One time, I tipped 16% after I saw the waitress filing her nails into my sizzler combo.
Yikes.
Move over, Jeffrey Dahmer.
We got a live one.
Someone parked too close to me, so I keyed their car.
Whoo, doggy! I'm really not feeling bad - about cocoa puffing myself now.
- With all those flaws, who are we to throw rocks from inside glass houses just like Sammy Sugar's victims did hoping a howler monkey would notify authorities? [All cheering.]
[Over speakers.]
I know it's a little strange, but I want that grammy.
I don't know if it's the liver spots in all the right places or the permanent compression sock imprints on her calves, but she does it for me.
Oh, shit.
[Dramatically.]
Please welcome to the court your Fairview Red Hawks! Ball, when you grow up, you gonna be as big as those balls.
Baby, let's rock The clues really were there all along, huh? Looks like we just hooked a cancellation.
And now we just need an influencer to spread the word.
[Buzzer.]
Let's hear it for our halftime entertainment, the Fairview Fantasm, Lonny Breckman! What you're about to see cannot be explained - by logic or science, only magic.
- Ohh.
There's a lot of pretty ladies in this audience.
Say, would any of you like some flowers? - Yeah! - Yeah! I don't see a garden or a florist around here.
- I guess I'd better kill myself.
- Aw.
Before I look in one more place, a few years ago, I fired an M18 bazooka rocket straight down the ear hole of an elephant the local villagers considered a god.
- Woo-la! - Holy shit, that guy's a frickin' warlock! By the way, this flower thing? - My idea and mine alone! - Now, why say that? Hey, there, young fellow.
Got any Twitter followers? Yeah.
Like 800 or something.
Wow.
With that sort of following, you could retweet a spark that starts a wildfire that gets us a passing mention in the early afternoon on MSNBC.
Benjamin, get the nondenominational zip ties.
That game ruled.
Did you see the way the Bedford center cried like a baby when he tore his ACL? If we didn't play "Baby, Let's Rock," Fairview would not have won.
- Good afternoon to you.
- Fuck you.
- Do you know that guy? - Never seen him in my life.
Oh, ma'am, your vagina is hanging out.
- I don't give a shit.
- What is going on with this town? Hey, we're gonna go snort some meth, break into a retirement home, and draw wieners on the sleeping seniors' foreheads.
You in? - I'm pretty busy with this walk.
- Cancel culture bullshit.
Oh, my God.
We made Sammy Sugar okay, and now the moral fabric of this town is falling apart.
Relax, Kelly.
Three people does not a whole town make.
Hey! Whole town's headed to the church to watch yours truly spoon a crate of Honey Smacks out of his you-know-what right atop the altar.
Come on, let's go! Honey Smacks that spill under the pews are up for grabs.
Come on! [Humming.]
Baby, let's rock Mr.
Breckman, you're urinating on my Florsheims.
What gives? Everyone pisses at the bar.
It's not a big deal.
I'd punch you in the kisser right now if that magic show hadn't transported me to a world of wonder.
That was transcendent! Don't you realize what this means? I can do whatever I want and they can't cancel me because my talent has eclipsed my transgressions.
Lonny, where are you going? You had to know that I'd eventually outgrow you.
You pretty much asked for it by supporting the flower trick idea I had.
We've been married for 50 years.
That's so wrong.
That's just cancel culture telling you that.
If "Entertainment Tonight" comes looking for me, I'll be doing mating calls by the railroad tracks.
Just because we play Sammy Sugar's music and set a precedent for abandoning all morality whenever you feel like it doesn't mean it's okay to act like him.
- Boo! - Nuh-unh, honey.
You play a musician's song, you get to act as freaky as they do.
I've gotten so used to eating cereal off my taint table that I can't remember how to eat it any other way.
He doesn't use bowls anymore, so we're saving a lot of money on dishwashing detergent.
Not that much.
We still run the dishwasher - every night anyway.
- Not every night.
I think pretty much every night.
No, we're not doing this again.
Connie, tell everyone what you said before.
Honestly, I've been begging so many vagrants to satisfy my disembowelment kink that the whole Sammy Sugar experience slipped my mind.
Lindsay, I don't care that I found you living in a 1980 decommissioned cafe car.
You're hot.
I'm a celebrity.
We make sense.
- Oh, hey, Lonny! - Uh-oh, here comes my ex.
If there's an organic moment to honk my ass cheeks, go for it.
Hey, Denise! This is Lindsay.
Denise and I had a quick fling for most of the 20th century.
- And we're still married.
- She's jealous.
My magic career took off, and she just didn't fit in the whole showbiz scene.
Well, Denise, me and my princess should probably get going.
I have to go, actually.
I've been dating the elephant trunk.
We've been staying up well past 4:00 p.
m.
I thought you looked tired! I'm the one who shot the elephant, so you're still kind of doing it with me! Lindsay, how come when I say I love you, you don't say it back? - Wha W-Where am I? - Don't ask questions.
On your phone, you will see a tweet from user Professor Benjamin French-dash-Listen to Fauci featuring a video of Fairview singing "Baby, Let's Rock.
" You will retweet that video with the copy, "Twitter, do your thing.
" My feed's all Saudi prince highway stunts.
Posting that trash will ruin my cred.
We thought you might refuse, so we sewed a bomb inside your chest.
Now retweet, and don't forget to tag Josh Gad.
- Or Alyssa Milano.
- Yes, Alyssa is also good.
What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not going to help your stupid virtue signaling.
Everyone needs to know that we think people who play Sammy Sugar's music are literal terrorists.
Now do what we say, or your chest explodes.
Well, guess what happened to me? Someone soiled the Cornpepper's bar.
Everyone soils the Cornpepper's bar.
It's like Cornpepper's version of throwing peanut shells on the ground.
But this time, someone did the not-pee one.
- They did the poop one.
- No! Cancel culture gets a bad rap, but this is what happens when you get rid of it.
It's not cancel culture to have common decency.
- So now you like cancel culture? - Yes, now that it's the only thing between me and hosing dookie off my beer coasters.
What's become of us, huh? This town needs to take a long look in the mirror.
We turned this town into monsters all because we hate change, and now we can't turn them back.
But there's someone who can.
Hold on! We don't know how to get a hold of Sammy Sugar without a team of blood-soaked cocaine-sniffing hounds.
Hey, just so y'all know, Fairview is officially fresh out of T.
P.
Hey, Connie, you still have that tattoo with Sammy Sugar's number? Baby, let's rock You think this will bring Fairview back from its earned and deserved damnation? It has to.
Some nitwit has been recruiting child soldiers from the pediatrician's waiting room.
I got a question for everyone.
Who here likes the song "Baby, Let's Rock"? - Whoo! - Whoo! Huh.
Too bad it's cancelled.
- Boo.
- Boo.
Everywhere except Fairview! - Yeah! - Yeah! Please welcome, fresh off his $50 million bail, Sammy Sugar! ["Baby, Let's Rock" playing.]
Baby, let's rock Baby, let's rock How's Fairview doing tonight? [All cheering.]
- Do you want to cancel me? - No! - Or do you wanna rock?! - Yeah! Glad to be with some real fans who don't fall for some lie that I ate a panda brain-first and deprived interns of nutrition for fun in a retina-scan-access-only subterranean crypt.
Man, I was walking around Fairview today, looking to bum a condom and PCP, and, man, your town is trash! Hello, move to Bedford.
It doesn't smell like my sack, and my sack smells like shit.
[All chuckle awkwardly.]
Uh-oh, are you offended? You gonna cancel me? You gonna cancel Sammy Sugar as if I give a shit? - Are we supposed to answer that? - No, you fucking idiot! Actually, I shouldn't call him that.
For Fairview, he's a genius.
[All murmuring.]
Laugh! Laugh at that! That's fuckin' funny! You guys suck! What the hell, Sammy? We knew you were a jerk, but when you see it up close, it's gross.
And that's coming from someone who didn't flinch when the pastor came over for breakfast this morning.
[Sarcastically.]
Oh, I so care what someone who can't break me out of a bamboo prison cell thinks.
What's with this asshole with the ball? I like ball.
Don't you say anything about ball.
Oh, ball loves it.
Ball loves it so much.
- Oh, yeah, ball, yeah! - Fuck this guy.
- Oh! No! - Fuck you, Sammy.
- No! - Take that! Don't hit my face! I spent a shit ton getting the acrylic nail claw marks filled in! Aah! I'm not doing it! I'm not retweeting your bullshit virtue signaling cancellation post.
My cred amongst the Lamborghini surfing community - is too important.
- Then chest bomb it is.
- In three, two - Before you explode me, I just want to say fuck you guys.
You're assholes in your real life, so you compensate by broadcasting to everyone that you hold the not-even- controversial opinion that Sammy Sugar sucks.
Thanks, we didn't know that until you said so! Also, there's no way you idiots installed a bomb in my chest.
[Door shuts.]
You know what the worst part of all that was? They didn't even acknowledge that being exploded is a privilege that not everyone has.
Some people are so narcissistic that they only care about how they look with all their body parts still connected.
What Sammy Sugar taught us is that artists are people, and a lot of people are trash.
And if you find out a piece of trash made your favorite song or movie and you're still able to enjoy it, that's fine.
But sometimes you see up close just how gross they are, and suddenly, songs like "Baby, Let's Rock" just don't slap as hard.
So don't not listen to a song or watch a movie because the artist is cancelled.
Do it because it kind of grosses you out now.
Also, don't virtue signal, especially if you're an asshole.
- Yeah, don't do that.
- Yeah! It's wrong! Cancel people who do that.
Denise, before you say anything, I got a new trick for you.
Voilà! I don't get it.
What was it? I just made my insensitive, holier than thou attitude completely disappear.
- Oh, and also this.
- Thanks, Lonny.
I heated up some leftover lunch birthday cake - if you want some.
- Only if you enjoy it with me.
But don't touch the icing flowers.
Those are mine.
Hey, did you really do anything with the elephant? Yes.
I did exactly what you think.
It's fine.
I deserve it.
I did stuff, too.
Not sexual.
I gave too much credit card information to the exact wrong person.
That reminds me.
When you get a moment, can you tell Amex to stop a CVS payment for 700 boxes of Sudafed?