Fam (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Good morning, beautiful.
I think I might've messed up the coffee again.
Oh, come on, Clem.
I'm sure it's fine.
That is delicious.
(clicks tongue) Aw Nick, your mom is so adorable.
She keeps texting me asking if I have the guest list to the wedding.
That woman is obsessed with sending out save the dates.
Unfortunately, she calls them STDs.
Oh that explains her other text.
Yeah.
Have you guys seen the OJ? I swear I left the carton on the couch last night.
Uh, yeah, you did.
I put it back in the refrigerator, you know, to keep it refrigerated.
My bad.
It's Gucci.
Just don't mess with my system.
"My system"? Juice on the couch? Dishes everywhere? - That's a broken system.
- She's 16.
And up until a week ago, she was living with my dad.
He never taught us things like putting away dishes or, you know, eating off of dishes.
You know what? I'll talk to her.
Even though she does not respond to criticism well.
There's a good chance she's gonna kill me, hide the body, and my face is gonna end up on a milk carton that she left out.
Yo, Shannon, can I talk to you for a second? You got to do something about your medicine cabinet.
The funnest thing you have in there is Claritin.
Look, Shannon, now that you're living here, which we are so excited about I mean, I know I am It'd be great if you could try to keep the place a little tidier.
- Tidier? - Yes, tidier.
Like that plate When you're finished with it, what are you gonna do with it? I don't know, probably leave it here, walk away.
If anyone asks, say it's Clem's.
I'll put it this way: if you don't start putting the dishes in the dishwasher, I'm gonna change the Wi-Fi password.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
I cracked your ATM code.
I'm pretty sure I can hack your Wi-Fi.
You did what? Don't worry.
I changed it.
To what? Your birthday? I'll change it again.
Look, Shannon, we're not asking for a lot.
We just want you to do a little bit more than you're doing right now, which is absolutely nothing.
Okay.
Fine.
Whatever.
(ringtone playing) Oh, hey, girl.
Talk to me.
Uh, uh, excu excuse me, Shannon? Shannon? Plate.
Oh, I think that's Clem's.
Sorry, I'm Rose, that pot roast was amazing.
Do you mind if we take a little bit of it home with us? Why would you want to take the pot roast home? There's, like, zero pot in it.
Of course you can.
In fact, take it all.
Walt and I can't eat it, that's for sure.
Seriously? I got 11 hours of televised golf this weekend and half a gallon of gravy.
I mean, take it, Clem, we insist.
I'll go put it in some Tupperware.
- Ooh - Ooh You have no idea what you just signed up for.
That woman is a Tupperware hawk.
(laughs): What does that mean? She is gonna ride your ass till you return it.
Mm-hmm.
I don't understand.
She said it was fine.
Of course she did.
She's an incredibly generous host.
But when it comes to her Tupperware, that woman is like Liam Neeson and those little glass containers are like her abducted daughters.
Ah, here you go.
Just return this to me any old time.
(Nick and Walt laugh) Before I forget, I was going over the guest list for your wedding, and there seems to be a mistake.
You left your father off.
Oh, yeah, no, that's not a mistake.
I was just worried that if we invited him, he might actually come.
But, Clem, if Dad's not there, who's gonna get drunk and hit on the "most gettable" bridesmaid? Babe, I know we discussed this, but he is your father.
If you don't invite him, I'm pretty sure you're gonna regret it later.
And I have so many STDs.
Your wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.
And if my dad comes Okay, have you ever been on vacation, and you're so excited, and then the cruise ship sinks and you die? That's how it'll feel.
Oh, Clem, I understand.
Honey, there's a lot of pain here.
I won't push.
Here comes the push.
But I believe that no relationship is beyond repair.
So, why don't we have your father here for dinner, and you two can start mending fences.
CLEM: Have I ever mentioned that when my appendix burst, my dad told me to walk it off? Sweetheart, let me put my therapist hat on.
This is a chance for you to accept your father for who he is and begin healing the wounds of the past.
(exhales) What do you think, Shannon? I think it's weird to be taking advice from someone who's wearing an invisible hat.
Well, honey, if you want my opinion, I don't think one dinner could hurt.
And I know for a fact that my mom's never gonna give this up if you don't say yes.
WALT: It's true.
She is gonna wear you down, girl.
What? You know I'm right.
He's right, I will.
(laughs) (knock at door) You don't answer your phone? I've been calling and texting all day.
You think I text? Who am I, Steve Jobs? The only people who call me are bill collectors.
Wait, Best Buy didn't send you, did they? (scoffs) I need to ask you something.
Hang on, I'm filling out my racing form here.
You remember when you used to help me pick the horses? Yep.
When you lost, we'd go to the pawn shop.
When you won, we'd go back to the pawn shop and pick up my bicycle.
Come on, sit with me.
What do you think? - You're the best at this.
- I don't care, Dad.
Well, you're not the one in deep to your bookie, and Best Buy.
Help me out here.
Any of these horses catch your eye? "Tar Heel," "Jimmy J," "Call Me By Your Mane"? Go with "Poor Child Eats.
" He's finished just out of the money twice, and he dropped down a class.
"Poor Child Eats" it is.
Okay, sweetie, thanks for stopping by.
That's not why I came here.
Nick's parents want to know if you'd like to come over for dinner tomorrow night.
I know you're gonna say no, but I promised I'd ask.
Okay.
Sure, I'll come.
Uh, excuse me? Why would I say no? Because when have you ever done anything for me? Hey, who got you that bike? Several times? So anyway, this, uh, this dinner thing should I bring Shannon? She moved out of here a week ago.
She lives with me now.
Did you seriously not notice? Hey, I'm a busy homicide detective, you can't expect me to pay attention to every detail.
Oh, hey, Shannon, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
One Mississippi, bye Okay, seriously.
Shannon, I really appreciate you loading the dishwasher.
Let's check out your work.
Now, you started off pretty strong.
Plate, plate, plate.
Now, here's where things get a little rocky.
Right, mm-hmm.
- Plate, empty slot - Yeah.
bowl, sideways bowl, - high-top.
- (gasps) Cool.
The gum came off.
Oh, hey, babe.
How'd it go with your dad? Fantastic.
Okay, what happened? I invited him to dinner, and guess what he said.
"I can't go.
I have a date with a hooker.
" He said yes.
Hence Ah, ah, ah.
Okay.
Come on, Clem.
I think this can be a good thing.
Look, I know you.
You're a strong woman.
You can handle anything.
Maybe not the coffee maker.
But I have no doubt that you can handle your dad.
That's easy for you to say.
Your dad's perfect.
Perfect? You didn't grow up with him.
The man is far from perfect.
Aw, really? What did he do to you? Did he give you too much ice cream? No.
He's more of a fro-yo guy.
I mean, every Thursday night.
I mean, come on, switch it up, Walt! Okay (chuckles) let me get this straight.
My dad wouldn't let me take ballet lessons when I was six because, and I quote, "My daughter ain't gonna be no stripper.
" And you're complaining that your dad would occasionally get you frozen treats? Well, excuse me for trying to fit in with you guys.
Why you got to be so mean? This dinner is gonna be a disaster.
Let's hope.
What do you mean? If Dad's his typical jerk self, then Walt and Rose will finally get off your back about having him come to the wedding.
You know what, you're right.
This is perfect.
I'll get credit for giving Dad a chance, and they'll think that I'm the mature, evolved person that I absolutely am not.
(mouths) (doorbell rings) Come in, come in.
Wait till you see the meal this lady prepared.
But save some room, 'cause we got fro-yo.
We are so excited about having your father over.
So, no Tupperware? (both laughing) We haven't finished the pot roast yet.
Oh, no problem.
Totally fine.
No rush.
When you're finished, you'll bring it back.
Absolutely.
When do you think that'll be? - (knocking at door) - Oh.
Here we go.
Hey.
Somebody call the police? (Walt laughs) Freddy, so good you could make it.
Ah, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Hello, girls.
Don't you look lovely? - Thank you? - Thank you? Walt, this is for you.
I hear you're a wine guy.
Oh, Freddy, this is a very nice bottle of wine.
You-you shouldn't have.
Oh, no, no, I didn't buy it.
God, no.
I swiped it from the evidence locker.
Big hedge fund manager got whacked in his brownstone.
His loss, our gain, right? I should be horrified, but you don't pass up a '93 Chateau Margaux.
Grab some glasses, Nick, we're gonna open this bad boy up.
So nice to have you here, Freddy.
Well, thank you so much for inviting me, Rose.
And, uh, what is that that smells so terrific? Oh, it's just my chicken marsala.
- Oh.
Elegant and a good cook.
- Thank you.
You remind me of the woman that broke up my first marriage.
How sweet of you to say.
Um, I'm gonna go check on the dinner.
Make yourself comfortable.
All right, Dad, what's going on? You're on time, you brought a gift, it's 6:00, and you don't smell like tequila.
What, I can't make a good impression? No.
That is why we're confused.
Hey, Freddy, just curious.
These red spots on the bottle, it's not Yeah, it's blood.
Okay.
So the guy aims the gun at me, cocks the hammer, and bang.
When you're staring death in her face, time completely slows down.
SHANNON: So, what happened, Dad? Were you killed? Very funny.
The truth is, I thought of you, Shannon.
And you, Clem.
And I realized in that moment that I haven't been much of a dad to you girls.
And if that bullet hit me, I'd never get that chance.
I was once nearly concussed when a lighting rig fell when I was starring in the Broadway production of Miss Saigon.
But continue.
Anyway, it all ended happy.
I ducked and shot him in the face.
The end.
These potatoes are dynamite.
I've never heard that story before, Dad.
Happened last Thursday.
It was a real wake-up call.
ROSE: It just proves that sometimes it takes a life-changing event, like a near-death experience, or a wedding, to realize there is nothing more important than family.
WALT: I gotta say, Freddy, your life sounds incredibly exciting.
Well, you should stop by the station tomorrow.
I'll show you around.
Can I ride in the patrol car? Hell, you can shoot my gun.
You're family.
Oh, no, I got it.
Let me help you.
(sighs) Can you believe he expects us to fall for this? Wait, you're not falling for this.
Oh, my God, are you falling for this? How could you fall for this? Dude, did you not hear that story? I think it really affected him.
I think so, too.
And I can't believe I just agreed with someone who put aluminum foil in the microwave six times today.
I don't care what he said.
People don't just change.
Oh, really? You're always talking about how you've changed, how you're all together now with your fancy job and your young-mom- in-a-mini-van outfits.
(gasps) "Young mom"? Yeah.
This is cocktail sexy.
Oh, sure.
Very very sexy.
Um, by the way, do you mind if I watch Shrek on your back seat DVD player? Is that okay? (laughing) (laughter trails off) You are so pretty.
(talking loudly): Yo, Nick, did you notice my surprise? I noticed those are my headphones.
Okay, look at this.
Look, look, look.
I unloaded the dishwasher, just like you asked.
Well, Shannon, thank you.
I am impressed.
Now, when you ran it, did you use rinse aid or just detergent? When I ran what? (knocking at door) Coming.
Hi.
Oh, hey, Mom and Dad.
What's up? Oh, nothing.
We were just out for a little stroll, and we thought that we would pop by for a quick hello Hello.
She's here for the Tupperware.
Mom, mo There's still food in there.
You had your time.
I just wanted to thank you guys for having my father over.
Oh, not a problem.
And like I told you, you never know someone's changed until you give them a chance.
He did seem different.
I mean, he was charming, he was funny.
I've never seen him do karaoke before.
Who would have guessed that he knew all the lyrics to "Baby Got Back"? It seems your father's turned over a new leaf.
And that new charity he started? Very impressive.
Charity? Yes, the one for children.
He's very passionate about it.
What's it called? - Poor Child Eats.
- Yes.
I wrote him a check for it when I visited him at the police station today.
- Come on, Rose.
- Mm.
Bye.
Bye.
I knew it.
I knew Dad was working some angle.
What are you talking about? Did you not just hear them? He started a charity.
He doesn't have a charity.
Then what did my dad give money to? Two grand on Poor Child Eats to win.
And if he does, I'm taking you Gloria, to Chipotle.
(sighs) Of course you're here.
You are seriously the most horrible person in the world.
Well, it's good to be the best at something.
I can't believe the only reason you came to dinner was to scam Walt out of $2,000 so that you could bet on a horse.
Do you know how that makes me look? I guess, by comparison, pretty good.
I had no choice, Clem, I told you.
I'm in deep with this bookie, and I got the Geek Squad guys breathing down my neck.
But if this bet hits, everything's gonna be fine.
Come on, the race is about to start.
Let's watch it, like we used to.
Like we used to? Does that mean you're gonna give me a cigar to smoke, too? You want one? No.
I didn't like cigars when I was 11, - and I don't like them now.
- Come on, stay.
- (starting bell rings) - ANNOUNCER: And they're off.
Call Me By Your Mane is quick out of the gate, followed closely by A Horse With This Name and No, You're the Puppet.
Right behind them, Poor Child Eats is making an early charge.
Look at that, he's pulling up on the outside.
Come on, baby.
I don't care.
ANNOUNCER: Bojack Horsehorse leaps into second as Poor Child Eats is hanging tough.
Around the corner they come.
Could be anyone's race at this point.
- ANNOUNCER: As the finish approaches - Come on.
it's Poor Child Eats pulling up on the rail.
- Poor Child Eats closing in.
- Come on.
It's Poor Child Eats by a nose! - Yes! - Yeah! Yes! Yes! You did it, Clem.
You picked another winner.
- Damn right I did.
- Just like old times, huh? Yeah.
Wait.
No, don't even.
I'm still mad at you.
Hey, I know I wasn't the perfect father, - but you turned out okay.
- No thanks to you.
Did you ever think there was a method to my madness? I mean, I knew I was no good, so instead of half-assing it, I zero-assed it.
- Excuse me? - Yeah.
I figured if I didn't try at all, you'd be forced to sink or swim on your own, and you swam.
I'm proud of you, Clem.
There was no philosophy.
You were just a terrible father.
Yeah, but the "zero-assed" thing sounded pretty good.
The truth is I am proud of you.
And you got to admit, we had some good times, right? Yeah, I guess we did.
Occasionally.
You know, in baseball, if you hit .
300, you're in the Hall of Fame.
And in parenting, if you use the ball pit at IKEA as a babysitter, you get a call from Child Services.
I did get a call.
The woman was nice.
I took her to Mexico.
I'm so sorry about my dad, but at least I was able to get your money back.
Oh, don't worry, sweetheart.
These things happen, especially to Walt.
He bought a time share in India.
We went there to see it, and guess what? No time share.
I am so sorry I pressured you into inviting your father to the wedding.
Sometimes I just need to back off and mind my own business.
No, you know what, if you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have had the first nice moment I've had with him in years, so thank you.
Well, if you change your mind and you do want to invite him to the wedding, you just say the word, and I will give your daddy an STD.
You wouldn't be the first.
You okay? Yeah.
I just feel like a giant idiot for believing that Dad changed.
No, don't.
It's good that you still have hope.
It's completely misguided, but hold onto it.
For what it's worth, I'm happy I'm living with you guys and not him.
- Mm.
- Oh, my parents took off? Yeah, they split.
I was just about to tell Shannon how happy we are that she's living with us.
Right, Nick? I like big butts and I cannot lie You other brothers can't deny When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist And a round thing in your face you get sprung - Ah! - Want to pull up tough 'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed Deep in the jeans she's wearing I'm hooked, and I can't stop staring Oh, baby, I want to get wit'cha And take your picture My homeboys tried to warn me But with that butt you got - Makes me so horny - Me so horny Use me, use me 'Cause you ain't that average groupie.
Ow!