Famalam (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Get down there! 0n the floor now! Those masks are ridiculous.
Of all the masks to pick, eh? This is bullshit, man.
I told you we should've got better masks! - It's Kim Jong-un, innit? - I thought it was fucking scary.
For God's sake! Argh! Argh! Don't hurt us.
Don't hurt us! Don't hurt us! Here, take it.
Take the money! Take the money.
Just take it.
Take it.
Take it and go.
Please.
Fantastic Egusi Television, in conjunction with televisual giant Igbo Entertainments.
From multi-Kemmy-award-winning director Tobias Akinbobo.
With Babatunde Warrington as Ichohn, the Bastard.
Abiola de la Fufu as Kalypso, the Mother of Dragons.
Fly, my pretties.
And Folarin Soyinka 0yenusiJames as Tiny Worm, the leader of the men without cocks.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
And also starring Ah, look, there is a lot of characters.
Fucking lots of them.
But basically, they're all fighting over a very nice chair that's all you need to know.
Featuring expositional intercourses We need to bolster our border defences.
But most importantly we must finish fucking, yes? For sure, sis.
.
.
oh, yes and incest, friendship, betrayal .
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with politically correct smaller people.
I want more wine.
And prostitutes.
That's enough wine and prostitutes.
Nonsense! Utilising state-of-the-art motion capturings .
.
and also .
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white walkers.
Featuring characters you've grown to love, who then die unexpectedly.
Argh! Argh! With exclusive bonus feature Ed Sheerants! No, seriously, Ed fucking Sheerants.
Can you imagine that? Coming soon.
The dead communicate in a complicated and dangerous language.
But never fear I shall be your guide, as we attempt to communicate with the other side.
Please put your fingers on the glass as we cross over into the spirit realm Is there someone there? Yes.
Do you have a message for someone here? Dave.
What's your message for Dave? U .
.
R .
.
A .
.
shit.
You are a shit.
Do you know who may have sent you this message, Dave? I can think of quite a few people, actually I do hope you can solve this crime.
It's so utterly appalling.
Detective Moses Mountree reporting for duty, motherfuckers.
Hello! And Detective James Patterson, also on the case.
It's my first day, so Who in the fuck are you? Sorry, I'm your new partner.
James.
James Patterson.
An absolute pleasure to be working alongside you.
- Let's listen here, Honky.
- Ah! Detective Moses Mountree works alone, and he sure as hell ain't going to be working with no cracker-ass black-hatin' cop with an itchy trigger finger! What? I'm not black-hating, definitely not.
I'm black loving.
I've completed a number of very thorough diversity training courses.
Fuck your diversity training courses, bitch! This is an affluent village in middle England.
Life's tough as hell on these streets, and I don't think you've got what it takes.
Detectives! Please stop fighting.
I need you to find my husband's killer.
Aw, would you shut the fuck up and stop! Ooh! Well, hello! Sucky-lucky, look at you! Hoo! Wowser! You're going to get some anaconda! Detective Mountree? Could I have a quick little word with you, please? What is it, Patterson? Can't you see I'm trying to make sweet love to that women in there? - For the sixth time.
- I can see that, actually.
I guess I'm wondering if it's entirely appropriate for you to be making .
.
sweet love to her.
Oh, you've got a problem with me making love to that white women, huh? You don't like the black man sticking his big black veiny nightstick all up in your female, is that it? No, trust me, I'm completely pro-interracial relationships.
I think they're great.
It's just the fact that she is the murder victim's wife is all, and also, she's currently one of the suspects we're looking at.
Suspect! - Jesus Christ.
- Cover me, Patterson! Argh! Argh! Case closed.
Midsomer Motherfuckin' Murders, nigga Black man in a white man's world I mean, I did just say she was a suspect.
You probably should have asked her some questions first.
Motherfucker, don't you ever interrupt a brother's title sequence! Midsomer Motherfuckin' Murders, nigga Black man in a white man's world Yeah Shootin' guns, solvin' crimes and fuckin' bitches With his anaconda.
Oooh! Oooh! All right, baby, can we use some protection? - Really? - Really.
I thought maybe this time we could try it without.
No.
But it really kills the mood.
I don't care, I'm not arguing about this.
Fine.
I implore the great god Katonda, creator of people, father of all the other gods, king and judge of the universe, to stop my powerful seed from penetrating into this woman's soil.
Mmm.
Zuzu.
Zuzu mama.
Tata bu, tata.
You know we're still using a condom, though, right? What? Bi-di-bi, bi-di-Bo bi-di-see-Bo-pree It's time to talk Olympics with a man like me, Scribbler P But not the good Olympics I'm talking about the white Olympics I mean the Winter Olympics White people have the right to win races too, innit? Featuring jumping on skis Racing on skis, jumping and racing on skis Ah Ah Polar bear shooting? And what the fuck? Are you kidding me, bruv? But here's what There's pure black people in the Winter Olympics too, innit? Check out my man Akwasi Frimpong from Ghana-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na! - Finishing last, but with swagger - Vanessa James, staggering on ice Mae-Berenice with rhythm and spice! Wheel and wheel and wheel and wheel And wheel and wheel and wheel and wheel And wheel and wheel and wheel and wheel and wheel and Come again! Hang tight, hang tight, 2018 Nigeria have a bob sled team! And it's the first time they've ever been seen And, holy shit, there's sisters too Go on, get them! No, but seriously, my auntie Ethel from Trenchtown would be like The Michael Jordan of whatever the fuck sport this is Bi-di-bi, bi-di-Bo bi-di-see-Bo-pree That's all the Olympics from men like me Scribbler P, P, P, P.
Baby, I've done your granola! Sorry I have to dash off.
I have to be in early today.
Ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, all right, all right! What, you got all the breakfast laid out and that, yeah? She's going to love this.
Look, Danny, I really don't have time for this today.
Aye, here's the plan, yeah? So you're just going to sit there, like you're just chilling, like you don't even give a shit, then when Emma comes down, I'ma start bigging you up, like, "Oi, see my man over there "he's a proper bad man, you understand? "like I heard he's got bad girth and that you hear me, bad girth? "And he gets 'nuff gal" look, Danny, you're a nice guy, but I really, really don't need a wing man any more.
What? I've got a fiancée.
Emma.
We've been together for five years.
Like, Emma keeps asking questions like, "What is he doing here? "Why does he keep winking at me?" Perfect wing manning, innit? I don't need you any more! All right.
Here, just take these.
Two tickets to the Valentine's Day Parade.
Aw, thanks, man.
- Emma will love that.
- Emma better get a ticket, then, cos there's going to be bare girls there, my lord! Life in the big city can be tough sometimes.
But there's no problem too big, when you've a little bit of sass.
Jimmy, no! What up, girl? It's Jimmy.
He's getting married! Uh-uh.
Don't shed no tears for that frog-ass lookin' man, baby.
I know your mamma didn't raise no fool.
Mmm What am I going to do? I tell you what you're going to do.
You going to go to that wedding, girl.
Mmm! You going to buy you a new dress, you going to hoick them titties up to your chin, you going to make his eyes fall out of that ugly wedding cake, girl! Mm-hm! You really think that I should go? Don't make me march your skinny white butt down there.
Mmm! I'm going to my soul mate's wedding! You go, girl! Woohoohoo! Aye, so now let's talk about my problems.
Sorry, what? Well, you know, I-I just helped you with your stuff, and I thought we could talk about my problems.
Oh, right, it's just that I have to go and buy a dress, and book a flight.
Wow.
I Friendship's kind of a two-way street.
You see, normally I have a problem, and then you tell me what I should do.
That's how it works, erm Er T You don't know my name, do you? Of course I know your name.
I I want to say Yolanda .
.
Sapphire? - Vonda? - Bitch, I'm outta here.
Suddenly I realised that black people weren't just sassy two-dimensional characters.
They were real people with feelings and emotions, - and they deserved - Eliza? Yas, queen! Oh, my God, it's my sassy, black, gay friend! That is even better.
Snap, snap.
Mm-hm! Do you, Samuel Roberts, take Emma Radcliffe - to be your lawfully wedded wife? - I do.
And you, Emma, do you take Samuel to be your wedded husband? I do.
Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra! I do.
Mad, I do and that.
She's on to you, blood.
Not now, Denny! All right, cool, cool, cool.
Listen.
Just, just play it cool.
Make her think you're a catch, and that look at his trim, doll.
Look at his trim, doll.
- Your man.
- Sorry.
Does the best man have the ring? Yeah, blood.
Run that.
Let me land this there.
Look at that.
Bling bling.
Diamonds, you understand? Nice.
You're winning! Yeah I'm livin' the highlife Champagne in the bright lights Turn my pain into highlights And then I fly away Hey Can't no-one tell me how this ain't real, this ain't real No-no, no-no Can't no-one tell me how this ain't real This ain't real When the city feels grotty Grab the hotties and head to Lanzarote Just bust case the Jakes are trying to stop me Now I'm feeling like Gotye Spanish women call me papi Hello, papi Lamborghini's in the lobby Now they're squeezing on my floppy Fly away like an osprey.
Oi! For the last time, get off my fucking boat.
Come on, get the hell out.
You call that music? Wankers.
I'm in here.
Are you going to be much longer? Almost through.
I've done Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, BBC News, checked my e-mail, the weather, Facebook again, updated my apps, checked my Uber rating, ordered a Deliveroo, Facebook again, so I just need to check Facebook again and I'm done.
Get out.
I actually need the loo.
At last.
All yours.
Oh, hang on, now I need a shit.
Ooh, Thundercats is on Netflix! OK, breathe .
.
and push.
And push.
You're doing great, baby.
Keep going.
That's it.
One more big push.
You're so amazing, baby.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah, that's it, bruv.
Chicks love compliments, innit? Ask her if she's done some of that air, yeah? Not now, Denny.
What do you mean, not now? She's lying on her back.
This is the perfect time for you to move in.
Yes, because she's giving birth to my daughter.
All the more you've got in common, innit? Hey, Emma, hey, listen.
You like Bolognese? You like Bolognese? My man there makes the best Bolognese.
One word, cinnamon.
Fuck off.
Fuck off.
Fuck off.
I can see the head.
Baby, I can see the head.
This is perfect, bruv.
Cos chicks love kids, bruv.
You're deffo going to beat, fam.
Welcome back to wake up now and Channel 8701 with myself, William, and my wife.
Funke.
Join us today.
We have world-renowned celebrity chef Vincenzo Pazuzo.
Ciao.
Our boy Vinnie, are you there? Vinnie, come in.
I am right here, Funke.
OK, so today we're going to be looking at some pasta dishes that are very easy to make.
As you are getting your hands in the dough, you're going to really fluff it up.
Oh, signorini.
You know I'm the masterfluffer.
Yeah.
OK, so, yeah, really get your hands in the dough, really knead it.
I really "need" this dough.
If it's a really knotty and kinky, you're going to work this kinks out.
I like the "naughty" and the kinky.
Here is one I made earlier.
OK, so now you've made your dough it's fluffy and light, now you're going to put it in the shaper.
William, Funke! Hey, Vincenzo, pass me an egg.
HE EXClLAIMS - Don't you fucking move.
- Put your gun down.
Get down.
You fucking put it down.
- Put it down! - Put your fucking gun down.
Put it down.
Put it down.
Put it down.
- All right.
- Slowly, slow, slow.
- I've put it down.
- Step back.
Yeah.
No sudden steps.
Just take it easy, just relax, just relax.
What are you doing? What are you doing? - Just take it easy.
- What the fuck are you doing? - I'll fucking shoot you, man.
- Nothing.
What is it? It's just some cats.
That's lovely, eh? Cats.
- You love cats, don't you? - I love cats.
How about this one? So sweet.
It is, ain't it? Aww, he's jumping Sort him out.
No going back now.
What? What are you doing? No, come on.
Please, I just want one more cat video.
One more cat video, please? Please? Look who it is.
We happily announce you've won the top prize in the Nigerian lottery.
You can claim three million US dollars.
To receive your prize you will need to pay a processing fee to transfer the fund.
Please supply your bank details, blah blah blah.
Congratulations, Prince Al-Yussi Islasses.
What a scam! Delete! But why? I don't understand it.
Every week, I draw the balls from the machine, but the winner never gets back to me.
There are millions to be claimed I would play myself but the rules have forbadden.
It's forbid It's forbadden.
So much money to be claimed.
So much money, but the people they don't want it So much money, but they never call Al-Yussi.
Back in the game, blood! Yeah.
New tings and that.
You all right, babes?