Family Tools (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

Recumbent.
Superman! Surf's up! Wipeout.
Darren, this is a place of business.
We're not allowed to ride furniture or answer their phones.
Then I don't know what I'm doing here.
These people are busy doing important work, okay? They'd appreciate it if we and by "we," of course, I mean you would be a little more professional and courteous.
Hey, Vince? Yeah? My dad's cardiologist is retiring.
You know where I can find a good one? Oh, actually, my dad uses Dr.
Clark.
He trained at the Mayo clinic.
Can't help you.
No, seriously.
He invented a replacement valve.
I'll ask around.
Excuse me.
Um, what was that? Mm tool-belt effect.
What? We're in white-collar country.
To people like them, guys with tool belts don't exist.
Tool-belt effect.
That's ridiculous.
I think those guys are just rude.
I'll catch up.
I just got to grab a pen.
What was And that's what we call a "bean-burrito effect.
" I'm a small-town guy who took over his dad's fix-it business after he decided to retire.
My aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.
Her son is weird.
Now I'm the boss.
Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.
His sister likes me, I think.
Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.
I'll fix that! Oh! Are you okay? You missed, like, a half.
I'm fine, I think.
Would you just look over there and tell me if you see a little zombie girl? Oh.
That's the girl Mason likes.
Of course it is.
Hi, Louise.
I found a spider in your windowsill.
Did you want it? Oh, you know, honey finders, keepers.
Geez.
Did it just get warmer in here when she left? Stop it.
Do you know how long I've been waiting for this? Mason finally brings a girl home.
So, I don't care how weird she is or how many times she can spin her head around.
She's welcome in this house.
Just in case.
These people are terrible.
I have never felt so disrespected by anyone other than my dad.
Oh, you have no idea.
We're like fat chicks at spring break completely invisible.
I don't get it.
We lost three clients, but our revenues went up.
Well, that is the magic of double billing, my friend.
You keep that just between us or we'll all get arrested! Don't like my ideas? I don't like your ideas! This is so degrading.
Told you.
These people treat us like dirt.
I know.
Thank you.
Why, because they sit at some fancy mahogany desk? By the way, who made that desk? Sweatshop kids.
But, I mean, but who assembled it? We did.
Exactly well, I did, technically.
But the point is, they shouldn't treat us like this.
Are you kidding me? Are you this this is what I am talking about right here.
The indignity that we are being shown.
They have no right Oh, hey, a are you new here? Huh? Welcome aboard.
You're gonna love it here.
Everybody's super-friendly.
How do you like your sandwich? I can taste the fear the turkey felt as the ax was about to fall.
So, it's good? You know you're wasting your time with that.
She doesn't have a reflection.
Sit next to her.
Sit next to her.
What are you doing? Get your head in the game, man! What? I just don't want him to mess this up.
No, and lose her? God forbid they couldn't take a hearse to their prom.
Jack Shea? Oh, my God.
Wendy Doyle? Oh, my God.
I haven't seen you since high-school graduation.
I know! It's crazy! You see someone every day, and then years go by I've missed you.
- What? - Nothing.
Have you talked to Mike or Cory or Duffy or any of those lunatics? No.
Those guys threatened my life, so we kind of lost touch, but what are you doing? I work here.
I just moved back from Chicago to be V.
P.
of Brand Strategy.
- V.
P.
? That's huge.
- How are you doing? Good.
I'm just, uh, doing the new install for you guys.
Oh.
Mr.
Jiffy Fix.
So you work for your dad now.
That's so sweet.
Not for him instead of him.
I run the whole operation now.
The whole operation.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
I remember when it was just two guys and a beat-up van.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
It was a long time ago.
Mm.
We're a much bigger company now.
- Really? - Yeah.
How big are you? Uh, specifically? Um well it's hard to keep track of all the vans.
- Give me a number? - Seven teen.
Tee seventy.
- Wow.
- Last I checked.
That's my accounting department's headache.
- 70 vans that's amazing.
- I know.
Is it? I guess it is.
It's the number that I said, so that's factual.
Hey, a few of us are going out for happy hour.
Do you care to join? Who could say no to an hour of happiness? - Yes.
- Okay.
Yo, Jack.
You forget something? Oh, no.
I'm good.
Jack! Fine.
Double-invisibility for me.
Ladies room, here I come.
Well well, with our projected earnings, we stand to double our vans - by the end of the quarter.
- Uh, when does your fiscal year end? When I say it does.
I'm the C.
E.
O.
That's badass.
By the way, your dad really should try out Dr.
Clark great cardiologist.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Wait.
How did you know? - C.
E.
O.
- Dude You are my hero.
Oh, back off.
He's mine.
- Thank you.
- Oh, no, you don't.
I got this.
I'll be right back.
I am a fraud, and I need your assistance.
How would you like a new roof? Hey, baby.
What are you doing? Making a collage for Louise.
She loves cockroaches.
Oh, that's that's romantic.
- So, you really like this girl? - Yeah.
What's not to like? She's a girl, and she talks to me.
Well, if you're really into her, why don't you sit next to her? Were you spying on me? Of course.
I'm your mom.
Answer the question.
I don't know.
I was working up to it.
So, you were gonna ease into it by giving her a cockroach collage? Mason, baby, if you like a girl, you got to make a move.
Really? How did dad make a move on you? Well, it is a super-cute story.
Um, I had just broken up with your Dad's college roommate, and I was feeling crappy, and your Dad shows up with a case of my favorite strawberry wine coolers, and we got super-drunk, and we just, like You know what? Um you should be talking to somebody else about this.
Nice duds, Jack.
You managing a food court now? What? No.
I'm mixing it up a little bit.
I don't like to get stuck in a look.
Who is she? I don't need a reason to dress nicer Wendy Doyle.
Wendy Doyle why does that name sound familiar? Oh, right! It's 'cause she's a manipulative skank and I hate her.
You must be thinking of a different Wendy Doyle.
No.
I'm pretty sure it's the same Wendy Doyle who found out I liked the same boy as her in school, so she told everyone I had a parasitic twin growing under my arm.
Is that how that got started? Every time I wore a tank top, people asked me to do Jumping Jacks.
She's trouble, Jack.
Just stay away from her.
I don't know, Stitch just seems like you're a little jealous.
Jealous? Yeah.
You think I'm jealous of you and her.
Please.
I could have you any time I want you, Jack.
Oh, I don't think so.
- Really? So, even if I, um - Yeah.
Nope.
Good try, though.
- W will you put this on my tab? - Yep.
Hey, Julie.
Love the hairband.
Chad, how's the tennis elbow? Okay, so, you ready to lose, then? - Joey! Kill shot! - Aaah! Pkkw! What the hell? Sorry about that.
Didn't see you there.
Yeah, well, watch where you're going next time.
What are you working on? Where's your belt? Oh, well, it was clashing with my khakis.
What is up with you? Nothing is up with me.
Hey.
Wendy.
I'm just evaluating this man's work.
Let's level this.
That's not up to Mr.
Jiffy Fix standards.
We still on for lunch? I'm so sorry.
I have to cancel.
I've got a pitch on slogans for this sour-ball-candy campaign.
Five-grand bonus if I nail it.
- Really? - How about "Taste these sour balls"? Anyway, I'm free for a late dinner.
I'm available anytime, anywhere.
It must be nice being a C.
E.
O.
Seriously? I've mentioned to Wendy that I am the C.
E.
O.
of this company.
Oh! C.
E.
O I thought you said C-3PO.
See you later, Jack.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Have a good day.
Thank you.
Yeah, well bro code Actually, you know what? You're not being much of a bro.
Where you going? I'm taking lunch.
You already took lunch.
Fine.
I'm taking Chad's lunch.
//// Hey, Uncle Tony, can I ask you a question about relationships? Nope.
I really like it when a guy just goes for it, you know? Unless I don't like him, which is why I have this.
See, here's the thing, Mason.
It's a numbers game.
So you don't try for a 10.
You try for 10 ones.
Is that what you do? No.
That's what you do.
And remember a gentleman may video, but he does not post.
It's a great slogan, Wendy "Taste these sour balls.
" It's edgy.
It tells a story.
I don't know how you come up with these things.
Unacceptable.
You! There are no dumb questions.
Fire away.
Except for that one get out of here.
Jack! Jack! I've been plagiarized! What are you talking about? "Taste these sour balls" Wendy's using it in her campaign.
She took credit for it! Well, okay.
Slow down.
I I I don't I don't think that's stealing.
I mean, ideas are thrown around a lot.
What are you doing? - You're talking yourself into a lie.
- No.
Wendy's getting a five-grand bonus for my idea.
That's unacceptable, man! So, this is about the bonus? No, it's not about the bonus, Jack! It's about respect and the bonus.
But mostly respect.
Right.
I think you need to understand how the world works.
How does the world work, Jack? She's a V.
P.
in this company.
She has an M.
B.
A.
When she says something, people listen.
It just wouldn't be the same if it, - you know, came from a - A handyman.
- I was not gonna say that.
- You know what, Jack? It's not like I was in love with who you were, but at least I was used to it.
I don't know who this is.
What Oh, no, no, Darren.
Darren! Holy shin splints! - Hey, Uncle Tony.
- Hi.
See, Louise? You didn't need your raincoat.
It's not raining.
It's always raining somewhere.
Well b bye.
What? I'm afraid to kiss her, Uncle Tony.
Well, who wouldn't be? But I really want to.
It must've been much simpler back in your time.
Kid, my time was the '70s.
People didn't bother with first, second, third base.
They just slid straight into home and went from there.
I don't think I could do that.
Well, you don't have to.
With your Aunt Margaret, I didn't force the moment.
I just took her hand and lucky for me, she didn't let go.
Really? - It's that simple? - Yeah.
I mean, it was easier for me because kissing her wouldn't turn me into one of the undead.
What do you say we do dessert back at my place? Yes.
I mean actually, I'm gonna stick with yes.
I think you're gonna be very happy with that decision.
I think that's not my hand on my inner thigh.
Come on, Mr.
C.
E.
O.
Let's go celebrate my bonus.
Oh, um I wanted to talk to you about that.
Um that idea that you had are you are you sure that was yours? - Yes.
- Okay.
Good.
It's it's just that, um I thought that maybe you might have heard it from this guy that works for me Darren.
This is pretty odd foreplay, Jack.
Why are we talking about this? I just think that If he had anything to do with it, wouldn't it be right if he was rewarded for it? I mean, wouldn't that be fair? No.
I get paid to come up with ad slogans, and he gets paid to assemble my furniture.
That's the way the world works.
Look, just because he's not an executive doesn't mean he's not a real person.
I mean, take our friend the waiter, here.
Right now he's our servant, but when he goes home at night, he's a human being.
Um I'm a human being right now.
You know what I mean.
I'm not sure that I do.
Uh Why do care so much about a handyman? Because I'm a handyman.
With one crappy van and one disrespectful employee, and these are my church clothes.
What? Yes.
You're about to have sex with a handyman.
Yeah.
That's gonna happen.
- Okay.
I was just trying to say - Don't.
Yeah.
Hey, Stitch.
Do you know where Darren is? Yeah.
Like a specific location? I just want to apologize to him.
First, admit that I was right.
And say that I was not jealous.
Okay.
Fine.
You were right.
You're not jealous.
You don't have a thing for me.
Thank you.
Now say that Wendy Doyle is a skank into the microphone.
Darren, where are you? I'm not here! I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
I shouldn't have done what I did.
Can you stop that, please? Thank you.
I was wrong.
Yeah, you were.
Hey, look, Jack.
I get it.
I have embellished the truth to get some play.
You know, there's three honeys out there who think I'm the president of the Ivory coast.
But your girl disrespected me and our whole profession.
And what's worse, so did you.
You are right, man, and I am sorry, and I'm ashamed of myself.
I got hung up on impressing Wendy.
But I'll tell you what.
Last night, I had a sure thing going with her, and I walked away.
- You did that for me? - Yep.
Are you out of your damn mind? That girl is fine! - Now we all lost.
- I don't care.
I can't stand the way they're treating us.
- It's not right.
- No, it isn't.
So, what are we gonna do about it? I think I have an idea.
So, if you'll just open your packets, you'll see I don't know, Jack.
That sounds like a lot of work.
Yeah.
All right.
Let's just wing it.
Yes! Hey! Don't make me get the hose! You ready? For God's sakes, Wendy! Fix it! The Candy reps are gonna be here any minute! I'm trying! There's just no power! Jack! Just in time! I need you to fix this! Okay.
Great.
Now you need me? Come on.
This is a big deal.
Okay.
Fine.
I will fix it.
And you will thank Darren for your idea.
What?! Ladies and gentlemen, this is the brain behind "Taste these sour balls.
" Thank you, Jack! Did y'all hear that? Temps in the back? Wait.
Jack's a handyman? Crap.
I sent my dad to the cardiologist he recommended.
Come on, dad! Pick up! Pick up! - Thank you, Jack! - These the clients? Yes, but you guys can go now.
Oh, we'll go.
Just so you know we did not have to help you here today.
But we did because we're not like you.
We're handymen.
And we fix things.
Come on, Darren.
I don't know anything about this.
I am so sorry.
So sorry about the delay.
Yeah, a couple of thoughts before I go.
- Oh, we're having a meeting here.
- Cool your jets, Red.
Let us begin.
Brian, they're firing your ass next week.
Jordan steals toner, and Delores chugs vodka in the supply closet.
Gambling addict.
Porn addict.
Peed in the ficus.
And, by the way, this guy is double-billing you.
And I consider this my bonus.
Thank you! Peace out.
Yo, Frank.
Brenda's pregnant.
Hello? Mason? Who are you?! Hello, Jack.
What do you want from me?! I see you've met Mason's new girlfriend.