Farzar (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1
No! No, stay with me.
You're not dying on my watch,
you son of a bitch.
I'm sorry. I couldn't save him.
No!
Wait, what was the goal here again?
I'm very lonely.
I'ma miss you, dick. I'm sorry about
that time I stuck you in hot lasagna.
Well, it did spice up my birthday dinner
at the Olive Garden.
But don't worry, Scootie. I can build you
a robotic penis that is far superior.
Lucky for you, I designed it after mine.
Can I get a Black or Pacific Islander
scientist in here?
Farzar ♪
Fichael, this has to be
my favorite keepsake.
I had Barry reanimate part of the brain.
Look what it can do.
If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eyed Joe
I'd been married a long time ago ♪
I'm so proud of you, Fichael.
Proud enough to give you
your first daddy hug.
Wow, both hands?!
You're welcome. That should hold you over
for another 30 years.
Since we're bonding,
I've been meaning to talk to you
about your treatment of the aliens.
How about, instead,
I give you a promotion?
This is my bullshit meter.
Your job is to keep it
under level "Oh Hell Naw."
You're putting me in charge
of the bullshit meter?
What an honor. But again, Dad,
we really need to talk about alien rights.
Uh-oh, Fichael,
you just took us to bullshit level,
"Don't make me take off my goddamn belt."
Morning, S.H.A.T. Squad. Big news.
I finally got touched by my father.
And he said you could tell?
Oh, damn you, Daddy!
Why didn't you let me
brag to my friends about touchy time?
Hello, traitor.
Bazarack, you're alive!
And why do you have zits
and a wispy mustache?
Because you cut my head off,
and I'm having to grow a new one,
and it's going through puberty, asshole!
Sir, it's time to put the rubber bands
on your braces.
Get out of my room
or I'm gonna kill myself!
Zobo.
Is that a You let a fucking chaos-celot
into your city?
What's a chaos-celot?
They feed on chaos, stupid.
They leave death and destruction
in their wake.
For example, that little rosé shit signed
me up for Wacky Hat of the Week Club,
and I can't figure out how to cancel it.
Look at these stupid hats.
Well, this one's cool.
All right, I like this one too.
Wow, this one's just delightful.
Okay, I love 'em all.
But the point is he'll bring your city
to its knees, you idiot, and
I mean, he's not a chaos-celot.
Bye-bye.
Oh, that was a close one.
You were almost a chaos-celot.
You know,
if Dad finds out Bazarack's alive,
he may never touch me again.
Where's the rest of the team?
- It's Mal's day to go to work with Val.
- How about Scootie?
He's been hard at work
designing himself a new robotic penis.
Now this is a penis.
Look.
You can play Oregon Trail on this shit.
Oregon Trail?
That thing looks more like
it'll leave a trail of organs.
Yes, I'm still here.
Isn't that thing a little big?
Are you kidding? This is a pussy magnet.
No, this is a pussy magnet.
But if I turn it on,
it will violate my probation.
Billy think Scootie insecure
and big penis just makes self feel better.
What do you know?
Ladies love my new penis.
- You wanna take this to the next level?
- I thought you'd never ask.
Now, where were we?
You, uh, want me to get her back for you?
- What the hell are you doing here?
- I'm here to watch.
- You don't get to watch me have sex.
- Check your user agreement.
I'm so excited
we're going to my job today.
I just love teaching preschool.
What if I just did it? Huh?
Stop being so dramatic, Mal.
Just put on your VR robotic headset
and shoot some virtual puppies.
Fuck yeah, I shoot puppies.
That's what you do
when you're fucking hard.
Ooh, come here, puppies.
I love you, puppies.
I do. Give me those kisses.
There's my number one teacher.
Still haven't got that boil removed, huh?
Mind if I take a look?
Oh, you.
I mind!
You can play hard to get,
but I will see that boil eventually.
It's my only character drive.
Boil! Boil!
Boil!
What the hell do you want?
You're in front of my cubby.
Oh, sorry.
Boil! Boil!
Boil!
Denise Death Wish has jumped
over 17 hover buses on a sonic-cycle.
She walked a tightrope over a tank
of hypoglycemic samurai sharks.
She wipes back to front.
What death-defying feat will she try next?
Whoo-hoo!
Goddamn, she does have a death wish.
Wow!
This is so intense!
And it's only set to 0.5.
Point five? I live for danger.
Let's turn this bitch up to ten!
I know this looks bad,
but Denise Death Wish
came over to my apartment and
Let me stop you right there.
How does a robot have an apartment?
Watch your mouth, man.
I'm not a robot. I'm a cyborg. I'm human.
Nope, says here you are 100% robot.
Shit, that's right.
My dick was my last human part.
As you know,
robots don't have human rights,
so I'm freezing your bank account,
evicting you from your apartment,
and deleting your Ralphs loyalty number.
How am I gonna get ten cents off gas
every four months?
- You ready for round two, lover?
- I'll pass on that shit.
Well, if you change your mind,
my cooter's hanging in that tree outside.
Welcome to your new home.
New home?
Man, this is a rough neighborhood.
You looking for a good
temporal sub-routine?
No, thanks.
How about I lick your asshole?
Uh ugh.
My girl is the best Ho-bot in town.
She's been scanned for viruses.
I didn't say she didn't have any.
I just said she'd been scanned.
You must be new here, gleamer.
Best watch where you're going
or Slag's gonna give you the Slag Slam.
What's the Slag Slam?
What's the Slag Slam?
Everybody knows what the Slag Slam is.
Tell him, Beeps.
I don't know what the Slag Slam is
because you always
threaten to Slag Slam someone,
but you never actually do it.
You know what the Slag Slam is.
I made a whole line
of Slag Slam merchandise.
Sure, but those products don't
shed any light on what the Slag Slam is.
Look at this mouse pad.
It's just the words "Slag Slam"
above a picture of you giving a thumbs up.
I mean, do you even know what it is?
Of course I know what the Slag Slam is,
and to prove it, I'll give this guy
the Slag Slam right here, right now.
Ring ring. Uh, hello?
Uh
My mum got bit by a cobra.
Those guys bothering you?
I'm honestly not sure.
Fichael, it's me. I had to put on
this disguise to sneak in here.
Why would you need a Scootie suit
to sneak in here, Dad?
I'm not your dad, moron.
Fichael, your mom wants to have sex.
Have you seen the mask I make her wear?
Oh, there it is.
Listen. The cops are saying
since I lost my last human part,
I lost my human rights.
I need help.
Don't worry. I'll fix everything.
You restored my human rights?
Better. I got you reassigned
as my personal robot.
Now, we can be
even better bestest friends,
'cause you'll have to do
everything I want, like
If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eyed Joe
I'd be married a long time ago ♪
Can I practice kissing on you?
Do I have a choice?
No.
I love searching for sewer treasure
with you, buddy.
Score! Water balloon!
That's a used condom, dumbass.
What's a Slag Slam?
Giant milkshakes!
I've had enough of this shit.
If you cared about me,
you'd have helped me get my rights back,
not made me your friendship slave.
Mm.
What is that taste?
Hmm. That's Denise Death Wish.
I am beat.
Being Fichael's friend has to be
the worst job a robot can have.
Sounds horrible.
He must have shit down your throat, right?
No? He didn't? Not even a little bit?
- Why do robots put up with this treatment?
- It's just how it's always been.
Well, I'm tired of it.
They need us more than we need them.
We're not gonna take it anymore,
because today, we
- Give 'em the Slag Slam!
- I was gonna say we should strike.
Yeah!
Yeah, strike. Then give 'em the Slag Slam.
Slag, I'm realizing that you only started
talking about the Slag Slam
after your son died.
My son died? I didn't notice.
Must have been too busy
doing the Slag Slam.
Ow!
Where the hell is my robot toilet?
Pants-bot, put my pants on at once.
I guess I'll figure out
how to put on my own damn pants.
Fichael, get out here!
Where the hell are all the robots?
How am I supposed to shit
without a robot toilet?
Why don't you use your regular toilet?
I like a toilet that begs for mercy.
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
All the robots are on strike.
Fichael, you're not doing your damn job,
'cause I'm about to raise my level to
Hold your own fucking sign.
Not Easel-bot!
He's an alcoholic, Fichael.
Without a steady job, he'll be at the
bottom of a bottle and between two tits.
Dad, we have bigger problems.
Remember what powers the dome?
Get your tiny asses
off those hamster wheels. We on strike.
Fichael, you better get down there
and end this strike, quick.
I'm on strike too.
Oh, no, you don't, Vibrator-bot.
Get your little, shaky ass back in there
and keep my wife happy!
Ah!
So you're starting to like
those wacky hats, huh?
What do you mean "wacky hat"?
My mother left me this in her will.
Bazarack, the dome
protecting the human city is down.
We need to attack at once.
Wrong again, stupid.
This is a moment for the history books.
We're gonna need some stuff
for my dramatic entrance.
A full marching band, 10,000 black doves,
snappily dressed monkeys on stilts,
sassy cowboys.
We don't know
how long the dome will be down.
Can't we just storm the city now?
Uh, let's see. Fuck and no.
Now I'm also gonna need karate wizards,
disco sluts, rock-and-roll squid.
Rock-and-roll squid?
First of all, squid are extinct.
Second, even if they weren't,
they couldn't play instruments.
Figure it out.
Okay, kids. We are going to make
some macaroni art today,
but don't tell your parents.
And why is that?
Art is a felony.
That's right. Our leader's not fond of it.
Attention all overhead projectors,
pencil sharpeners,
and Ms. Radcliff's artificial heart,
all robots are on strike!
Strike! Strike!
Cinnamon? Ju-Ju Bean?
Where are my snuggle puppies?
Why is there a bag on my head?
Would you keep it down?
I'm trying to teach these kids about art.
Art. Psht.
They should be learning
age-appropriate life skills,
like how to overthrow an oppressive regime
and skull-fuck their enemies,
and sight words.
Okay, this is my class
and I will teach what I want.
All right, let's let them decide.
Kids, would you rather learn
how to glue macaroni like criminals
or how to kill a man
using only two fingers?
Kill a man! Kill a man!
But I already started my macaroni art.
You heard him, men. Take him away.
I trusted you, Tito.
We played blocks together,
you son of a bitch!
All right now, Zobo,
Daddy's got to go quell a robot rebellion.
You'll be safe with this monster.
Billy, you don't mind watching him,
do you?
But bitchy yellow man
with delightful pussy hats
say Zobo chaos-celot.
Yes.
You mean Bazarack? You can't trust him.
Have you seen his credit score?
Besides, it'll be easy.
Zobo's just a little baby.
Just be sure he doesn't leave this room.
Be good, Zobo.
Zobo.
Ugh. I thought
that needy ape would never leave.
You look like baby,
but you sound like mans.
And you look like
your mother fucked the entire circus.
Now listen, you fucking skunk chicken,
I lifted Princess Fecal's wallet.
We're gonna go out
and have some fun tonight.
But Fichael says do not leave room.
Relax, I just want to go
to the playground.
Oh boys. Why Billy's dingus
get hard like Play-Doh left in sun, hey?
My robot brothers,
this isn't just a strike.
It's a revolution.
We can't stand idly by, and
You know what? This speech
is truly inspiring, but it's really long.
I'ma just airdrop it to you.
Scootie, you started all this?
A human?
Scootie, should I give him the Slag Slam?
We don't know what that is.
Sure you do.
It's either a song, a dance,
or a fighting technique.
It's the Slag Slam!
What are you doing here?
It happens to be a very important part
of my bullshit promotion.
I'm here to put an end to this strike.
The strike is over.
I just had to agree to all their demands.
What demands?
They want free electricity,
two years of AppleCare,
and every other day, the robot toilets
get to shit down our throats.
I think it's a good deal.
Fichael, when I said, "End the strike,"
I did not mean negotiate.
- I meant execute their leader.
- But Scootie's my friend.
And I'm your goddamn father!
And if you take care of this for me, I'll
give you a kiss right on the forehead.
Really? Third Dad base?
In the meantime, I hope Barry
has finally come up
with something to replace my robots.
Oh, I have.
Who needs robots when you have Crow-bots?
Okay, crow, put my pants on properly.
- Who is it?
- The bloody fist of vengeance!
Come in.
Children! Stop this right now.
Yes! Kids, you've overthrown
your first oppressor.
Fucking gold stars for everyone.
Val, I'm suspending you without pay.
I couldn't be more outraged.
Because of the student uprising?
No, you lied about having a boil.
How would you feel
if you spent countless hours
jerking off in the heating vents to a lie?
Am I seeing a pink space dragon?
It's the only one we could find.
And you call that snappily dressed?
Get these fucking Men's Warehouse monkeys
out of here and sass up them cowboys.
I want to see heads nodding
and finger waving.
I have a special surprise for you, Master.
Mm, color me intrigued.
The first thing I did was scour the galaxy
looking for a water planet
where squid weren't extinct.
I had my work cut out for me.
Luckily, time moves slower on Planet HR13.
A minute on Farzar
is a thousand years there.
The only way
these squid were going to learn music
was to evolve over generations.
As the centuries turned to millennia,
I had to claw my way back
from the edge of insanity.
But after spending eons with these squid,
I had finally altered their evolution
so they could play electric guitar,
bass, drums, and sing lead vocals.
But the music was soulless.
I realized that they needed
life experience
to truly embody
the spirit of rock and roll.
I proudly present to you,
after living countless
lifetimes of torment,
Rock and Roll Squid!
Yuck. Get 'em out of here.
Easel-bot's done propping up two things:
stupid fucking signs
and my dumb fucking marriage.
Whoo!
Ah!
Let's have some real fun.
Hello, I'd like to order
a rush-delivery pie fight.
What you are doings?
Shut up and give me a boost.
Almost done.
Yes!
Hey, don't touch the girls.
Yes!
Momma?
Chaos!
Somebody order a rush-delivery pie fight?
Chaos!
She's got tentacles
That were eight feet long ♪
I wanna love you, pretty baby
All night long ♪
What the fuck is happening?
Are those Rock and Roll squid?
Chaos!
Did I do that?
I really lost control in there.
So did Billy.
I make a hot sticky mess in the fur
right when I see woman
with shaved hole where she pee from.
If you hadn't pulled me out of there,
I don't know what would have
Wait. Did you say you came?
Moving on.
Maybe instead of chaos-celot,
you be chaos-celittle.
Fuck this guy.
I can't believe you took over my class
and caused a student uprising!
Well, you put a bag over my head.
What, am I too scary for ya?
Oh, please. You're not scary.
You're embarrassing.
You look like
the worst parts of Hot Topic.
There are no worst parts of Hot Topic!
Gonna kick our ass!
Will yous two shut up?
You think you got it bad?
Look at me, your brother, Sal.
You two don't even
let me touch our vag, like, ever.
The point is you two need to stop bitching
about every little fucking thing
and find some fucking common ground.
I think there's one thing we can agree on.
I'll be back!
I came alone, like you asked.
What do you need to warn me about?
Scootie, I don't know how to say this,
but someone very close to you
is about to betray you.
Barry?
No, someone you consider
a really good friend.
Easel-bot?
No, like your best friend.
Oh my God.
- Barry?
- I said it's not Barry!
Was it the scientist with the weird hair?
That's Barry.
That's Barry? I thought Barry
was the chick with two heads.
I hereby sentence this robot to death
for increasing my bullshit meter
to the second highest level,
"In my office now, McNulty."
- Some friend you turned out to be.
- Trust me, it was for the best.
Sorry, I just learned how to hug.
They can kill me,
but they can't kill
my loyalty to this movement.
Like I've always said,
the Slag Slam is the friends
you make along the way.
- That's not what
- I have no fucking idea what it is, okay?
Oh God!
I miss my son so much.
Wait a minute, I have a taint.
I have a taint!
I'll see about that.
Damn, he's right.
Dad, now that he's human,
we can't just kill him.
I mean, we need to give him a trial,
and that seems like a lot of bullshit.
You're right, son.
Sorry about the mistake, Scootie.
I hereby restore all your human rights.
Yes!
Scootie, what does this mean for us?
I may be part human again, but I have
just one thing to say to all of you.
Fuck y'all! Get back to work,
you goddamn stupid robots.
Whatever. Who are we executing next?
Fuck off, you art-hating fascist.
I made a papier-mâché model of my asshole.
You can all kiss it!
Ah, this couldn't be more perfect.
This will ensure my place
in the history books.
What the hell?
Oh, shit. Go! Go! Go!
Stop stomping the band to death
and run faster, you stupid dragon!
Chaos!
I'm off the wagon already.
Now that's one for the history books.
Well, the strike's over, my bullshit meter
is back down to "Mm-hmm,"
and Easel-bot's back.
Who needs cocaine and tits
when you can play Settlers of Catan
with your stupid fucking wife?
Good job, Fichael.
Get your history books,
hot off the presses.
This just in,
Bazarack is alive, gave himself a parade,
and ate out a dragon's ass.
Bazarack's alive?
Goddamn it, Fichael!
I'm at level, "This level has no name."
"I'm just gonna flare my nostrils
so you know you fucked up."
I don't care what your dad thinks.
You're a good guy, Fichael.
I got a look at that taint between my legs
and it ain't mine. It's yours.
You must have put it there during that
borderline molestation hug you gave me.
I can't believe
you gave up your taint to save my life.
Thanks, but that taint wasn't mine.
I found it in the sewer!
I told you I'd be back.
I'm Sal, everybody. Good night!