Father Figure (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Ta-daaa! ? I did it ? I put the telly and the bracket on the wall All by myse-elf.
Oh, yeah! Gimme some! Gimme some! All right.
Now All I need is total and utter silence while I set the voice recognition on this thing.
OK? Total and utter silence.
Shut up.
Quiet and watch the magic happen.
TV BEEPS Play DVD.
No, must be the accent.
OK.
Not to worry.
TV BEEPS Play DVD.
Why don't you just lean forward and press play? MUSIC STARTS Ah! No! Don't say, "Press play.
" You just made it think you said, "Press play.
" I want it to recognise my voice, Elaine, not your voice.
It doesn't matter who says, "Press play.
" MUSIC PLAYS TV on! Stop! TV: BBC Radio Off! TV off, radio on! No! On! Do you speak English? TV WHIRRS Ah! Shh! You're going to break it! Now just be quiet, all right?! Now let me do this.
SNIFFS CLEARS THROA INHALES Smart TV on! What about ye? Room for a wee one? Ho-ho! There's one way to switch this thing off and that's to unplug it! ? I think I'll rest a little more ? Cos the noise in my head keeps bangin' at the door ? Something easy I'll find hard ? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ? It's the man in me that keeps me running scared ? Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round ? And you can't escape from these ups and downs ? Your dream's on hold for this crazy world But I wouldn't change a thing.
It's no good, Tom.
It's knackered, huh? Yep.
And a bad time, with everybody coming over to watch the Strictly final as well tonight, huh? Yep, thanks(!) It's not like you can afford a new one either, huh? Yep, thanks, Roddy(!) You're screwed, basically, huh? Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you(!) Shut up! Don't mention it.
OK, Dad.
We're just going to bandage your head um, with this cushion.
No, it's OK.
I'm fine.
We're just try to help you, Dad.
(SWEETLY) Come on, Dad.
You can twust us.
No, I cannot trust yous.
CLUCKS Jump! Just do it - jump! Jump, you chicken! Jump now! THUD Ah, loser! You're right, Roddy, this thing is knackered.
I've got a telly fella mate that owes me a favour.
I'll give him a ring if you want.
Oh, really? That'd be great! Can he come here? Er, we-we'd have to go to him.
He's, er He's between shops.
Whatever, man.
Come on, let's go.
What are you waiting for? Can we? Oh! I'm going to kill you two! Not with your arms taped to the TV, you won't.
Come on.
TOM GRUNTS AND STRAINS Roddy, help us, will you? Now, Tom, you know that I've got one arm shorter than the other.
Look at that.
And that side's just as bad.
What?! DOORBELL RINGS The door.
Roddy? Love to, mate.
Gotta call the telly fella man.
Ah! Boys? I'm going out to play Star Wars with Quiet Joe.
Dylan? Arms, Dad.
Arms.
TOM GRUNTS AND STRAINS I can't wait to grow old around you two - I'll have to wheel myself to the ducks! Ah! Jesus, Mary, will you look at that? The door was on the latch.
You don't want to be leaving the door on the latch in this day and age, son.
Dad, Mum.
Hiya, son.
Hi.
People will rob your house and use your toilet.
What are you doing? Now, I wouldn't recommend hanging the TV in the hall, son.
You'll never get a couch along here.
Well, maybe you will, but you'll never walk by it that easily.
You know, and you need to keep that exit clear or your whole family will be burnt to death in a fire, son.
I I was hanging it in the living room and then Well, there you go already, son.
You're in the wrong room - this is the hall.
Come on.
(BREATHLESS) No, I was I was bringing it out to the car.
I Oh, give us a hand with it, Dad.
Oh, Jesus, son, I'm sorry, I can't.
I sprained the back of me neck.
What?! How did you do that? While I was on the throne at home.
Pushed too hard and sprained me neck.
He's a bloody idiot.
I mean, how do you sprain your neck doing that? Easy, woman! There's a lot of pressure on your neck.
It's dangerous.
Just ask Chris de Burgh - he died on the loo.
Shut up, Pat! Chris de Burgh isn't dead! More's the pity.
Here, try it, son.
Ah! Now PAT STRAINS I can feel that right up and down the back of me neck.
Can you, Tom? Ugh! Gross! That is way too much information.
Your neighbours don't know how to park, son.
I had to leave the Volvo at an angle out there.
An angle? Yeah, well, I couldn't find any spaces that suited me, so I had to stick me nose into a space I liked, hence the car's at an angle.
Hope nobody tears the arse off it while we're here.
It's got a big bumper.
You're the one with the big bumper.
What? I swear to God, Tom.
If he doesn't lay off the biccies, he'll die.
And he won't die all nice and neat.
Oh, no.
Muggins here will have to sponge and bathe him as he takes another three years to slip away.
But what are you doing here so early? The Strictly doesn't start till later on tonight.
I know.
But your father wanted to come over early to see how long the journey would take.
A kind of a dry run, if you like.
But you're always here.
Yous are always here.
You see, I got new tyres on the car, Tom, so the flow of the car has all gone to shite.
Because the rubber on the tyres is thicker, so it's taking twice the time to turn the corners.
Hiya, you all right? Oh, hi, Elaine.
Are we all set for the big final tonight? Mm, we'll have to wait and see, Mary.
Tom upset the television and it threw itself of the wall.
What?! He has a terrible temper on him, Elaine.
He always had that as a child.
You have a terrible, terrible temper, Tom.
I do not.
Calm down! I will not have you raging at your mother like that.
And why did you break it, Tom? The telly, Tom - Strictly! I was hanging it on the wall and the telly and the bracket fell off the wall and smashed me on the head.
Well, that was bound to happen.
Did you use four-inch screws, son? No, two-inch.
Ah, you can't use two-inch screws to hang a monster like that.
I wouldn't hang a tissue with a two-inch screw! Two-inch screws is all I had.
No, I was only saying to a neighbour yesterday to use four-inch screws.
He was.
I mean, he was putting up hooks to hang a lawnmower and I said to him, "You can put your own child up on that it's that safe.
" And he did as well.
What are we going to do about my Strictly? I can't miss the final.
It'd be like missing Mass.
What about ye? Och, aye, Mary and Pat.
Oh, Roddy, have you heard? There'll be no Strictly on the big screen tonight.
No Strictly tonight? No Strictly, Roddy.
Imagine that - the state the world is in out there and all we're worried about is a bloody television show.
Listen here Gandhi.
Ballroom dancing is my life.
And what are you so worried about the world for? You've never been further than Glasgow! I don't like travel, it shoots me blood pressure through the roof.
Right, now, the telly fella man says we can go and meet him now if you want.
Oh, brilliant.
Where are we going? Er, it's in Knapton Industrial Estate.
It's just round the side um, by the trees.
Near the wheelie bins.
That sounds lack a nice area.
Done a bit of dogging there, have you, Roddy? Aww.
I didn't know you had a dog, Roddy.
I don't think Elaine's talking about that sort of dogging, Mary, to be fair.
Me and Pat did a bit of dogging back in the day, you know.
Did yous now? You hear this, Tom? Your ma and dad done a bit of dogging.
Roddy, don't.
I'd love to go dogging again.
Do you remember when we went dogging, Pat? Oh, yeah.
Me and your mother used to head off for the weekend and we'd be dogging everywhere.
Dogging in this town and that.
Your father and me won prizes for it.
We'd a lovely little cooker.
And relax.
Finished? Finished? Good.
OK.
Well, me and Roddy are going to go and get this telly to his fella.
You're not going to drive now, are you, Tom? You've got concussion.
Roddy, drive.
I never drive at this time of the year, Tom.
Wh? Why? Because, you see, the sunlight gets right into the back of my head there.
The doctor says that my eyes are too small for the sockets.
Well, I can't stay here and see my only son drive with a big concussion head on him.
He's fine to drive us all, Mary.
Oh, not you as well, Elaine, please! Oh, no, I'll just sit here, put my feet up and watch the space on the wall where the telly used to be, shall I? I'll get Dylan.
Mary, you round up the rest.
Right, Elaine.
Pat, you go and get Drew and put him in the car.
Why do yous all have to come? You have no choice now, son.
I've been trying to get rid of her for 40 years and, everywhere I go, she's halfway up my arse.
Where is Drew, Tom? Dreeeeeeewww! Jeez, Mary, you've got a fine pair of lungs on you, huh? It's what first attracted me to her, Roddy.
He's out the back with Quiet Joe.
Got that, Pat? Move it! I'll get the coats.
Jesus, son.
I'm like a dog but without the benefits of licking my own bits.
Have you got the keys to the car, son? It's open.
Your car is open?! You might as well drive it up to the thief's house with a ribbon on it.
They can't rob the car, Dad.
Not without the keys.
Yeah, but squatters might move in and do their business in the glove box.
Roddy, come on, grab it.
Arms, Tom.
Arms.
Hurry up, Tom.
Come on.
Oh, give us a hand.
- Is this helping? - No! - How's that? Is that helping? - It weighs a ton! I'll see you in the car, love.
I Er WHIMPERS Thanks very much(!) I'll bring it meself, then.
PUFFS I got it.
I Ah! Oh! Car keys! Ugh.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! DOOR CLOSES PANTS Open, open, open.
Ok.
TV CLATTERS Oh! PANTS CRASH Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where is this place, Roddy? In 75 metres, turn left.
ENGINE CLUNKS AND ROARS Oh, that does not sound good.
That does not sound good! Well, this was bound to happen.
You probably have too many people in the car.
If you didn't shove so many biccies in your cake hole, there'd be a lot more room back here.
ENGINE ROARS You know, I wouldn't drive much further on that noise, son.
Is there a volume control on his neck? I wish there was.
Did you put diesel instead of unleaded in it? No.
Radiator full? Yes.
Oil? Yes.
Tyre pressure? Fine.
Exhaust? Just got a new one fitted.
Balloon casing? What? Air-blow breezer? No.
Button caps? Line reel? Trunk shaft? You don't know what you're talking about, do you, Dad? No, I haven't a clue.
ENGINE CRUNCHES AND KNOCKS Oh! ENGINE CLUNKS Just pull in over there.
Ok.
ENGINE STRUGGLES AND KNOCKS ENGINE STOPS IGNITION STRUGGLES Oh, great.
We're stuck in a lay-by.
We'll be sucked off by passing trucks or killed by murderers and rapists.
But at least it's a sunny day.
THUNDER CLAP IGNITION STRUGGLES Come on! Come on! Hurrah! What a great day out(!) (Start.
) Start! Ugh, dunno.
What now? Tell you what I'll text your man and get him to bring the new TV up to you.
How about that? He won't mind? Oh, no, he, um He likes to keep on the move.
We could try and fix this car first.
Can you fix cars, Dad? No.
Don't worry.
I'll get on the AA.
CLEARS THROA Watch and learn, Tom.
I've got the old voice recognition.
Oh, this'll be good.
Ready? Yeah.
CLEARS THROA Call AA.
PHONE BEEPS PHONE: 'Playing Coldplay.
' Call AA.
PHONE BEEPS 'Playing NWA.
' AA.
PHONE BEEPS 'Playing David Gray.
' AA! PHONE BEEPS 'Dialling Paul Murphy.
' Ah, shite! PHONE BEEPS 'Dialling AA.
' Bingo, we're in.
Er, and don't worry, your man will be here as quick as a flash.
LINE RINGS OWL HOOTS Any minute now your man will be here.
Any minute now.
Dad, do I have to stay cooped up in this car much longer? I'm beginning to smell of Countdown.
Apparently not, according to Roddy.
TOM SIGHS Oh, listen.
Will you check Drew there, Dylan? How's he doing? I haven't heard a peep out of him.
Mm, yeah, he's OK.
He's asleep.
Oh, well, then, will you take that mask off his face so he doesn't get too hot? OK.
Thanks.
Er, Dad Yeah? Did you get me a new brother? What are you saying? I'm saying this isn't Drew, this is Quiet Joe.
Quiet Joe? Quiet who? Quiet Joe! - Quiet Joe? - Quiet Joe! Quiet Joe? Who's Quiet Joe? He's Tim-next-door's child.
He's the child in the back seat.
He's the child you thought was Drew! BOTH: Ssh! You'll wake him, Mum.
Oh, my God.
Where's Drew? He's not here.
Sh Thank you, Roddy(!) Elaine, where is Drew? Well, if he's not here (GASPS) .
.
he's at home on his own! You left our son at home by himself?! Best parents in the world(!) Me?! I didn't do it! Dad put him in the car.
I should have checked! I should have known! Ya feckin' eejit, Pat! How was I supposed to know which was which? Two kids out in the back garden, playing with masks on.
I asked one of them if he was Drew.
He said, "No, I'm Luke somebody.
" So I took the other one.
Give me your phone.
- Here.
- If anything happens to my baby He's probably sat there, crying his eyes out.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It's engaged.
Tom, I am going to Don't look at me - it was that stupid old man in the back there.
Let's hope he doesn't find the matches.
I'll call the police.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You could get done for leaving a child alone on its own.
Roddy's right.
They'll take Drew away.
And we'll have to visit him in someone else's home with tags on our ankles.
Will you calm down, woman? No Strictly.
Drew is home alone and we've someone else's child in the back of this car.
Here, take this.
Oh, thanks, love.
Not for you! It's for the child! Oh.
By the way, have we told Tim we've got his kid? What about Drew? I'll call Tim.
Maybe we shouldn't panic.
Tim wouldn't panic.
HELICOPTER WHIRRS Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! DOG BARKS Jooooooooe! Jooooooe! No answer.
I'll try the other side.
They'll be in.
Right.
? Dance, dance Wherever you may be PHONE BUZZES ? I am the lord of the dance, said he ? And I lead you all ? Wherever you ? Leave it! And I lead you all in the dance, said he.
Look, Drew will be fine.
He'll have a shave, order some pizza and set traps around the house.
That's Home Alone, the movie, Dad! PHONE CHIMES Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, God.
No! Oh, my God.
What is it? Strictly is starting now! A-And why are my friends texting me about Strictly when we should be concentrating on Drew? Drew, who I love so much.
Much more than Strictly.
And why wouldn't I? Because Strictly is only a dancing show.
Right.
That's it.
I'm walking home.
No, you can't go out there.
It's dark, it's dangerous.
There's trucks out there! I don't care.
I'm his mother.
Elaine! TYRES SQUEAL, TRUCK HORN BLARES Yeah, yeah.
Best stay in the car for now.
It's a bit dangerous out there.
Don't get out the car, Dylan.
I wasn't going to.
Good boy, good boy.
I don't know what everybody's worried about.
All the lad has to remember is the stuff that I taught him from when I was in the Army, right? Scouts! It was the Scouts! Stay hydrated.
Keep well wrapped up.
And eat plenty.
HEELS CLICK (HIGH-PITCHED) Ooh, I don't mind if I do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
CAR APPROACHES Oh, here they are.
No.
CAR APPROACHES Oh, here they are.
No.
Oh, here they are.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Yeah, but I was Shut up! All I wanted was Ah! RODDY SIGHS I'm hungry, Mum.
What you expect me to do? Breastfeed you? Mum! Never fear, Dylan.
Gran is here.
Mum! Oh, brilliant, Mary.
Hope there's enough for all of us, huh? VELCRO RIPS Sandwich, anyone? Sandwiches in a? What are you doing with sandwiches in a money belt, Mum? For emergencies.
We're Catholic and God made our lives one long emergency.
He must be practising on me.
Ham and cheese, please, Mary.
What, there's a menu?! There you go, Tom.
Oh, lovely.
It's all warm and lovely.
Sandwich? I don't want a bloody sandwich, I want to get home to my son.
And, Roddy Yes, Miss.
If this AA man doesn't come in the next five minutes, I will take that cigarette lighter and I will singe your flipping ball bag! DYLAN: Mum! Elaine! Elaine! Mary! What? Oh, sorry, I thought it was a game.
Oh, shut up, Pat! God, Drew will be starving by now! DOORBELL Finally.
Are your parents in, son? Does it look like my parents are in? In case nobody noticed, there's a 70-year-old man back here who hasn't had a cup of tea for hours.
I've a flask of tea on me, you whinge bag.
God knows where she's going to pull this one from.
Fair play to you, Mary.
Here you go, Elaine.
It'll settle the nerves.
PHONE RINGS Oh! That'll be me AA man.
Oh, finally.
What about ye, Alan? Where are you? 'Sorry, Roddy.
' I can't get to you.
The road is blocked.
Some arsehole's parked his car at an angle.
Yeah, cheers, Alan.
Alan? Yeah, Accident Alan.
The AA is Accident Alan? Right, where's that cigarette lighter? HORN HONKS Ooh, there's the telly Oh! Oh, God! You just spilled it all over me jeans! I'm sorry, love.
Take them off, Elaine, before you scald your legs.
No, no, no.
It's leave them on or your skin will peel off and then they'll have to take skin from your arse and put it on your legs.
That's a fire, ya gobshite! Take your trousers off, Elaine.
That's it, Elaine.
I'll get them for you, don't worry.
Stop it, Roddy! I don't need to take them off, I just need some tissues.
Look, you heard Mary, you must take these jeans off.
Will you leave me alone, Roddy?! Must remove deadly items.
It's OK.
Here, Elaine, you can have mine.
Get back in the back, Roddy.
I can't, Elaine needs me.
No, I don't! Will you get him off me? I just I don't need your jeans, either.
They're halfway down already.
Loosen up there, woman.
I can just see the top of your pants.
Ow! Pat, you give Elaine your trousers.
What?! It's OK, I've nearly got mine off.
THEY GRUN Ach, sure, I'll take mine off as well.
Look, well everyone just stop taking their clothes off! Pat, you have long johns on under your trousers.
Now, come on, off with them! It's OK, mine on me ankles.
No, no, I'd better do it now or I'll never hear the end of it, son.
Here, Dylan hang onto the back of me trousers there, pull them down.
Sure.
PAT: I can't reach! CAMERA CLICKS Dylan, grab the back of your grandfather's trousers and pull! I will get so many likes for this.
Will someone stop this maniac taking off my trousers?! HORN HONKS I tell you what, woman, you got a good grip on you.
But you'll never stop me taking me own trousers off.
Mum! Why's there a man standing outside your window? Eh? PAT: There's another one here.
And there's some more over here on my window.
Maybe they think the car's for sale? SIREN Right, there's the police.
Don't say nothing about the TV or that child in the back or that child alone at home.
All right? Or-or my stuff in the basement.
Or those, er, letters that I sent to Princess Anne that time.
Well, this was bound to happen.
Oh, great.
I'll do the talking.
Well, well, well.
What have we here? Having a bit of fun? Well Oh.
Officer, I see you're a bit of a dogger.
I was only telling the others how much I missed the dogging.
Well, that's Drew sleep.
Ah Is he all right? Ugh, he'll have a hangover in the morning.
What about Quiet Joe? Oh He's fine.
No harm done.
Apart from his dad.
He got bitten by a police dog.
On the bum.
It's not funny, Tom.
He's an idiot.
I'm off to bed now.
Thanks for the day out.
Thanks for the trip to the police station and thanks for these.
Ah.
It'll be something you can tell your kids when you're older.
You'd better start saving for my psychiatrist bills now.
Oh, really? We'll let you have this, yeah? You can have that.
Yeah! Good night.
- Night.
- Love you.
Oh, love your work.
Well, at least the television's up.
At least.
Proper four-inch screws and all.
Dad'll be proud.
Yeah.
But I thought you didn't have any four-inch screws.
Where'd you get 'em? Do you know, I don't think I used four-inch screws on those shelves.
? I think I'll rest a little more ? Cos the noise in my head keeps bangin' at the door ? Something easy I'll find hard ? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ? It's the man in me that keeps me running scared ? Cos your life spins round like a merry-go-round ? And you can't escape from these ups and downs ? Your dream's on hold for this crazy world But I wouldn't change a thing.