F*%#Ing Adelaide (2017) s01e02 Episode Script
Kitty Loves Cupcakes
1
(BIRDS CHIRP)
GIRL: (SINGS) ♪La, le, le
La, la, la, la
♪La, la, la, la, la, la
(HUMS)
"Would you like a cupcake?"
(CONTINUES SINGING)
♪La, la, la
La, la, la, la. ♪♪
You OK?
(GIGGLES)
You're gonna set yourself on fire.
You said we're celebrating.
Now that your dad's gone,
you wanna celebrate?
♪La, la, la. ♪♪
We're gonna need some fuel.
That's that's Dad's.
Exactly.
What do YOU think, Kitty?
Wanna start a fire?
(GHOSTLY WOMAN HUMS)
(MOANING)
(BOTH PANT)
Thanks so much for a lovely
amazing night.
Sure. So can I tell you my name,
now that
Argh! La, la, la, la! (LAUGHS)
I told you, I just, um
I don't want to know your name or
anything. It just it won't work.
Right. What won't work?
Well, I mean, we're just gonna
find out that you're
..friends with someone
I went to jazz ballet with
or a third cousin's godmother
or something, you know?
Yeah, right.
Adelaide.
I love Adelaide.
Yeah, oh, yeah. Me too.
So can I drop you somewhere?
Where do you live?
Right.
I'll just drop you
where you found me.
Thanks.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(SILENCE)
(GHOSTLY WOMAN HUMS)
(WOMEN JOIN HUMMING)
(HUMMING STOPS)
♪La, la, la, la. ♪♪
(WHISPERS) Kitty?
I thought you were already awake.
(GROANS)
Move over. Move your leg over.
Move your big leg
No, what are you doing?
We had an early work call -
I can't get back to sleep.
Well, let me
The president of the Bear Men
of Adelaide is asleep on the couch.
Why would you bring your hook-up
back to this disaster?
Oh, my God, your breath smells
like cock.
That's arse.
You know who's got
a really great smelling arse?
Don't talk about your husband's arse
in front of the child.
(SNORTS)
My God, look at her room.
She's like a really cute
little hoarder.
Mm.
Where have you been her entire life?
But she hasn't even started
to pack up yet.
I mean, I'm just saying that I think
that maybe we could help her.
I mean, we could start with
the box.
Mm, the box.
The box does not bring us joy.
(HUMMING RESUMES)
Let's chuck it out.
(HUMMING STOPS)
No! No, no, no!
Hey. Leave my stuff alone!
This isn't your stuff.
What do you care?
Why can't I have it?
It's just
Emma, you've got to stop it.
Emma
Give it to me!
You're ruining it!
You're ruining it!
Just give it to me.
Can you just get rid of it?!
OK, can one of you tell me
why he is so bad?
Like, specifically?
Er He was
Look, I'm not asking to see him,
or anything like that, I just
..I just want to keep
this one thing.
Please.
Maybe when you're older,
you'll understand.
Oh, for fuck's Give it to me!
No!
(HUMMING RESUMES)
Emma! Stop it!
Give it!
Mum.
Don't go out there!
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
When are we moving into a new place?
I wanna move my stuff.
Whatever I move into
will be a lot smaller
so if you want to live with me, you
gotta get rid of some of your stuff.
What?
And first order of business
is burning leftover trash.
Oh, my God, yes.
Let us build a fucking pyre.
That's right!
It was too much for Kitty
when we were kids, wasn't it?
She stopped us then.
Let's right that wrong now!
(HUMMING INCREASES AND STOPS)
Mum, you can't let them
burn my stuff!
(MAN GROANS)
(SIGHS)
You gotta get rid of something.
(GHOSTLY HUMMING RESUMES)
(KITTY AND MAN MOAN)
KITTY: And I don't do names.
No names.
Keep going.
Oh
(HUMS)
(MAN CRIES ON COMPUTER)
Hey, Jade?
Mm.
Ah, you still have a spare room
in your house, right?
Mm-hm.
I was just wondering if,
um, I could move in.
Like, today?
(CHUCKLES) Sure thing, Kit.
You'll just have to clear it
with Sam.
Who's Sam?
Ah, housemate.
Just talk to him. He's nice.
Works at that new cafe
around the corner.
OK.
Why am I out here?
Can I come inside?
Uh-uh, stay. Good boy.
What is he doing?
I call this piece
Crying In Public Toilets.
(CHUCKLES)
Mm, cry more, please.
Oh, why can't you get Kitty
to do this?
(LAUGHS) Kitty never cries.
Kitty, what are you working on?
Um
I'm actually, uh, working
on something new at the moment.
It's, um It's inspired
by my childhood dolls' house
and it's a, ah
It's, um, it's a movement piece.
It's like, um
It's like, about how
all those people that you
..looked up to are, um
You know, like, they're actually
a bit like, disappointing.
Um
..and and it's also about the world
and how it wants you to be this,
you know, this
"Oh, my God, you are just so"
It's gonna be
But inside it actually feels a bit
..you know, like that.
But everyone only sees the
So it's just kind of like it's
like it's bubbling and it's
So it's about the,
like like, how to
So it's about that
..b-b-but it's also about, um
Like it'll do a bit of this
I'm gonna stop you there.
We've talked about this,
you're not advancing,
you're just on repeat
and you're cluttering up my class.
But I'm inside the dolls' house
Get all this cleared up.
And then start again
from the concept, not the stuff.
(CRYING CONTINUES)
Do I know him?
Mm.
So, it was Sam, right?
(GHOSTLY HUMMING RESUMES)
ELI: You know, I love that you can
say new cafe here
and everyone knows
what you're talking about.
It's like you only
have one main street.
So I just have to go in there
and I just have to charm this Sam.
Should only take a sec.
Hey, can you just wait here?
Hang on.
Oh, cupcakes.
Ah didn't he give this to you?
Don't set it on fire
while I'm inside.
Like actually don't.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi there.
I'm just looking for a Sam.
Sam's that lovely man
smashing some beautiful avocado
just to my very left.
Thanks.
(GHOSTLY HUMMING RESUMES)
(DOOR OPENS)
Eli, we have to go.
I want caffeine.
No, no, we have to go right now,
please.
Why are you so wound up?
I'm not wound up.
There is no winding.
Look, I'm fully not
Eli, can we please just go?
Hey!
It's you!
What are you doing here?
Is this the lucky guy?
How do you know I worked here?
I really didn't.
Oh, you two already know each other?
Course not.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, we've met before.
Great. So, how does my sister rate?
Rate?
Um great!
I mean, very considerate but fun.
You know capable?
Mm, I can certainly vouch for her.
You can?
We really have to go.
Yes, she's really quiet,
she cleans up after herself
Hold on, what are you talking about?
You moving in with Kit
No names!
I don't really know
what the rules are now.
Ah, hang on a minute
No, no, no, no.
It's not what you think.
(LAUGHS)
Nobody is doing anything to anyone!
Hey, you.
Oh, Julian.
You found my place.
Yeah. It was an accident.
You know this guy?
He mostly just snored on my couch.
Sam, this is Eli.
(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
A pleasure. Great to meet you.
Now, can I have a coffee
or do I have to be introduced
to everybody in this cafe first?
Hi, I'm Eli.
Fucking Adelaide!
I'm just not convinced that we're
We're just We're completely
incompatible so
..I was hoping
JADE: I am not kicking Sam out.
That would be shitty.
Right.
Great. No, well, um, that is
very considerate of you.
I guess I'll just have
to work things out here, then.
Fuck.
(GHOSTLY SINGING)
(SIGHS) It's hot.
He's like a puppy
that follows you home.
Do you smell that?
Is that smoke?
(GHOSTLY VOICES SING)
♪Burn!
♪Burn!
♪Burn it, burn it, burn it!
♪Burn it, burn it, burn it!
(HUMS)
Wow.
Isn't it a total fire ban?
Stand back, little fella.
(GHOSTLY HUMMING CONTINUES)
♪La, la, la, la, la, la. ♪♪
(HUMMING INCREASES)
♪La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la! ♪♪
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(GHOSTLY HUMMING RESUMES)
Hey, Sam.
My name is Kitty.
Kitty Wallace.
(HUMMING CONTINUES)
♪Burning, burning
Burning, burning
Hey! What are you doing with that?
We all know whose this was, Mum,
and we are burning
all this leftover shit.
That is not a good idea.
Let it go.
♪Burning, burning
Burning, burning
♪Burning! Burning!
Burn! Burn! Burn! ♪♪
(COUGHS)
What what the fuck, Mum?
♪I won't be a winner
♪Yeah
♪And you won't be a winner
♪You can just tell,
you can just tell, you can just tell
♪That I'll never make it
♪Yeah
♪You can just tell,
you can just tell
♪That I'll never make it. ♪♪
(BIRDS CHIRP)
GIRL: (SINGS) ♪La, le, le
La, la, la, la
♪La, la, la, la, la, la
(HUMS)
"Would you like a cupcake?"
(CONTINUES SINGING)
♪La, la, la
La, la, la, la. ♪♪
You OK?
(GIGGLES)
You're gonna set yourself on fire.
You said we're celebrating.
Now that your dad's gone,
you wanna celebrate?
♪La, la, la. ♪♪
We're gonna need some fuel.
That's that's Dad's.
Exactly.
What do YOU think, Kitty?
Wanna start a fire?
(GHOSTLY WOMAN HUMS)
(MOANING)
(BOTH PANT)
Thanks so much for a lovely
amazing night.
Sure. So can I tell you my name,
now that
Argh! La, la, la, la! (LAUGHS)
I told you, I just, um
I don't want to know your name or
anything. It just it won't work.
Right. What won't work?
Well, I mean, we're just gonna
find out that you're
..friends with someone
I went to jazz ballet with
or a third cousin's godmother
or something, you know?
Yeah, right.
Adelaide.
I love Adelaide.
Yeah, oh, yeah. Me too.
So can I drop you somewhere?
Where do you live?
Right.
I'll just drop you
where you found me.
Thanks.
(FUNKY MUSIC)
(SILENCE)
(GHOSTLY WOMAN HUMS)
(WOMEN JOIN HUMMING)
(HUMMING STOPS)
♪La, la, la, la. ♪♪
(WHISPERS) Kitty?
I thought you were already awake.
(GROANS)
Move over. Move your leg over.
Move your big leg
No, what are you doing?
We had an early work call -
I can't get back to sleep.
Well, let me
The president of the Bear Men
of Adelaide is asleep on the couch.
Why would you bring your hook-up
back to this disaster?
Oh, my God, your breath smells
like cock.
That's arse.
You know who's got
a really great smelling arse?
Don't talk about your husband's arse
in front of the child.
(SNORTS)
My God, look at her room.
She's like a really cute
little hoarder.
Mm.
Where have you been her entire life?
But she hasn't even started
to pack up yet.
I mean, I'm just saying that I think
that maybe we could help her.
I mean, we could start with
the box.
Mm, the box.
The box does not bring us joy.
(HUMMING RESUMES)
Let's chuck it out.
(HUMMING STOPS)
No! No, no, no!
Hey. Leave my stuff alone!
This isn't your stuff.
What do you care?
Why can't I have it?
It's just
Emma, you've got to stop it.
Emma
Give it to me!
You're ruining it!
You're ruining it!
Just give it to me.
Can you just get rid of it?!
OK, can one of you tell me
why he is so bad?
Like, specifically?
Er He was
Look, I'm not asking to see him,
or anything like that, I just
..I just want to keep
this one thing.
Please.
Maybe when you're older,
you'll understand.
Oh, for fuck's Give it to me!
No!
(HUMMING RESUMES)
Emma! Stop it!
Give it!
Mum.
Don't go out there!
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
When are we moving into a new place?
I wanna move my stuff.
Whatever I move into
will be a lot smaller
so if you want to live with me, you
gotta get rid of some of your stuff.
What?
And first order of business
is burning leftover trash.
Oh, my God, yes.
Let us build a fucking pyre.
That's right!
It was too much for Kitty
when we were kids, wasn't it?
She stopped us then.
Let's right that wrong now!
(HUMMING INCREASES AND STOPS)
Mum, you can't let them
burn my stuff!
(MAN GROANS)
(SIGHS)
You gotta get rid of something.
(GHOSTLY HUMMING RESUMES)
(KITTY AND MAN MOAN)
KITTY: And I don't do names.
No names.
Keep going.
Oh
(HUMS)
(MAN CRIES ON COMPUTER)
Hey, Jade?
Mm.
Ah, you still have a spare room
in your house, right?
Mm-hm.
I was just wondering if,
um, I could move in.
Like, today?
(CHUCKLES) Sure thing, Kit.
You'll just have to clear it
with Sam.
Who's Sam?
Ah, housemate.
Just talk to him. He's nice.
Works at that new cafe
around the corner.
OK.
Why am I out here?
Can I come inside?
Uh-uh, stay. Good boy.
What is he doing?
I call this piece
Crying In Public Toilets.
(CHUCKLES)
Mm, cry more, please.
Oh, why can't you get Kitty
to do this?
(LAUGHS) Kitty never cries.
Kitty, what are you working on?
Um
I'm actually, uh, working
on something new at the moment.
It's, um It's inspired
by my childhood dolls' house
and it's a, ah
It's, um, it's a movement piece.
It's like, um
It's like, about how
all those people that you
..looked up to are, um
You know, like, they're actually
a bit like, disappointing.
Um
..and and it's also about the world
and how it wants you to be this,
you know, this
"Oh, my God, you are just so"
It's gonna be
But inside it actually feels a bit
..you know, like that.
But everyone only sees the
So it's just kind of like it's
like it's bubbling and it's
So it's about the,
like like, how to
So it's about that
..b-b-but it's also about, um
Like it'll do a bit of this
I'm gonna stop you there.
We've talked about this,
you're not advancing,
you're just on repeat
and you're cluttering up my class.
But I'm inside the dolls' house
Get all this cleared up.
And then start again
from the concept, not the stuff.
(CRYING CONTINUES)
Do I know him?
Mm.
So, it was Sam, right?
(GHOSTLY HUMMING RESUMES)
ELI: You know, I love that you can
say new cafe here
and everyone knows
what you're talking about.
It's like you only
have one main street.
So I just have to go in there
and I just have to charm this Sam.
Should only take a sec.
Hey, can you just wait here?
Hang on.
Oh, cupcakes.
Ah didn't he give this to you?
Don't set it on fire
while I'm inside.
Like actually don't.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi there.
I'm just looking for a Sam.
Sam's that lovely man
smashing some beautiful avocado
just to my very left.
Thanks.
(GHOSTLY HUMMING RESUMES)
(DOOR OPENS)
Eli, we have to go.
I want caffeine.
No, no, we have to go right now,
please.
Why are you so wound up?
I'm not wound up.
There is no winding.
Look, I'm fully not
Eli, can we please just go?
Hey!
It's you!
What are you doing here?
Is this the lucky guy?
How do you know I worked here?
I really didn't.
Oh, you two already know each other?
Course not.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, we've met before.
Great. So, how does my sister rate?
Rate?
Um great!
I mean, very considerate but fun.
You know capable?
Mm, I can certainly vouch for her.
You can?
We really have to go.
Yes, she's really quiet,
she cleans up after herself
Hold on, what are you talking about?
You moving in with Kit
No names!
I don't really know
what the rules are now.
Ah, hang on a minute
No, no, no, no.
It's not what you think.
(LAUGHS)
Nobody is doing anything to anyone!
Hey, you.
Oh, Julian.
You found my place.
Yeah. It was an accident.
You know this guy?
He mostly just snored on my couch.
Sam, this is Eli.
(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
A pleasure. Great to meet you.
Now, can I have a coffee
or do I have to be introduced
to everybody in this cafe first?
Hi, I'm Eli.
Fucking Adelaide!
I'm just not convinced that we're
We're just We're completely
incompatible so
..I was hoping
JADE: I am not kicking Sam out.
That would be shitty.
Right.
Great. No, well, um, that is
very considerate of you.
I guess I'll just have
to work things out here, then.
Fuck.
(GHOSTLY SINGING)
(SIGHS) It's hot.
He's like a puppy
that follows you home.
Do you smell that?
Is that smoke?
(GHOSTLY VOICES SING)
♪Burn!
♪Burn!
♪Burn it, burn it, burn it!
♪Burn it, burn it, burn it!
(HUMS)
Wow.
Isn't it a total fire ban?
Stand back, little fella.
(GHOSTLY HUMMING CONTINUES)
♪La, la, la, la, la, la. ♪♪
(HUMMING INCREASES)
♪La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la! ♪♪
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(GHOSTLY HUMMING RESUMES)
Hey, Sam.
My name is Kitty.
Kitty Wallace.
(HUMMING CONTINUES)
♪Burning, burning
Burning, burning
Hey! What are you doing with that?
We all know whose this was, Mum,
and we are burning
all this leftover shit.
That is not a good idea.
Let it go.
♪Burning, burning
Burning, burning
♪Burning! Burning!
Burn! Burn! Burn! ♪♪
(COUGHS)
What what the fuck, Mum?
♪I won't be a winner
♪Yeah
♪And you won't be a winner
♪You can just tell,
you can just tell, you can just tell
♪That I'll never make it
♪Yeah
♪You can just tell,
you can just tell
♪That I'll never make it. ♪♪